The DysFUNctional Pirates
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: Basically, pirates all over the Grand Line from the Capricorn Pirates to the Straw Hat Pirates to the Heart Pirates and even the Marines are caught up in cracky and abnormal situations. Kick back, grab a comfy seat, get some popcorn, and watch the chaos.
1. Uncle Lester

**Author's Note**: This fic is loosely based off of the video series **The DysFUNctionals** by TheComputerNerd01. I reccomend that you look it up on Youtube, since it's really, really funny.

By the way, you don't need to read **One Piece: Parallel Works** to understand this fic. Just go along with it and have fun. ^_^

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. I just own my OCs and the Hyperion, the ship of my OCs.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day on board the Hyperion as the Capricorns ate ice cream. Sorry, Kingdom Hearts fans, it wasn't sea salt ice cream.<p>

"Donquixote Doflamingo's pants intrigue me," Hana said as she looked over a picture of the Shichibukai in a magazine.

"Yeah, well, Moria has such lovely horns," Z.G. argued.

"Screw you, man! Mihawk will always have a smexy hat!" Sadie yelled as she hit Z.G. really hard with the newspaper.

"OWWWWW! MOMMY!" Z.G. sobbed as he glomped Mina. Everyone else just facepalmed.

"That's it, nobody's getting a Samsung phone!" Ageha yelled. Down in the galley, Daisuke's "adoptive parents" (Mikuri and Blaise) were talking to him.

"Son, your mother and I are going on our annual Greek Orthodox Honeymoon," Blaise explained.

"Where?" Daisuke asked his "parents" as he drank the strawberry-flavored cookie water Sanji made for him.

"We're going to Candy Mountain!" Mikuri and Blaise announced.

"By the way, betch, you're not going," Blaise stated to Daisuke.

"What? Don't tell me Yulia is going to babysit me!" Daisuke yelled, causing Mikuri and Blaise to give each other understanding looks. Outside of the room, Sayuki was watching the whole thing as she carried a plastic leg she stole from Gareth's room.

"_I have got to stop giving Mikuri the salon conditioner. His silky locks are so not worth L'Oreal_," Sayuki thought to herself as she hit Showtarou in the face with the leg, all with a smile on her face. The next day, Aki – being the only responsible person on board the ship at the time – took Daisuke to his Uncle Lester, who was actually Sengoku. Aki was wearing a cheongsam with the image of Vince the Shamwow guy on it and Daisuke was dressed as the Taco Bell logo.

"Daisuke, this is your Uncle Lester," Aki introduced Daisuke to "Uncle Lester".

"Hey, kid, cheer up. I got the 2000 Kids' Choice Awards on DVD and we can get Burger King. We're gonna have a great time," Sengoku re-assured the green-haired nineteen year-old who was contemplating on whether or not to run.

"No! I don't want Burger King! I don't want to watch the Kids' Choice Awards! Let me go back to everyone else!" Daisuke pleaded.

"I've got Spongebob coloring books and Pokémon episodes on demand," Sengoku bribed Daisuke.

"Why can't I stay with you, Sengoku?" Wolfgang asked off-camera. All Wolfgang got was a banana cream pie to the face courtesy of Lafitte.

"Can I go home now?" Daisuke asked Aki. Then, Sengoku shot Daisuke, causing him to wake up from what we now know was a dream.

"Mommy!" Daisuke yelled. Then, Mikuri entered.

"Yes, son?" Mikuri asked before he shot Daisuke. Then, Daisuke woke up from that dream. Kazuma exited from Daisuke's closet.

"What the hell is this? Inception?" Kazuma asked the very confused thief. Daisuke flipped his hair.

"I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy," Daisuke stated. Then, he realized that he and his bed ended up in the galley, where everyone else watched the whole thing as they ate egg salad sandwiches.

"Well… This is awkward," Daisuke said before he walked off with a globe.

"Crap! There go my books about llamas listening to iPods and eating bacon cheeseburgers in Weimar Germany!" Soren cried before he ran after Daisuke. Yuki-Rin just sighed.

"And so, the saga begins," Yuki-Rin said before she put her drink down on the Mumford and Sons vs. Ke$ha, Florence + The Machine, Gogol Bordello, The Pogues, and Paris Hilton CD they illegally bought from Garp, Kaku, and Makino.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: I know some of the stuff mentioned doesn't exist in One Piece (such as Ke$ha and the Kid's Choice Awards), but it's a crack fic, so, there you go.

**Want to see Kizaru become a bachelor straight out of the 1970's? Have you been hoping you could find a fic where Bepo and Law perform internet memes? Have you ever wondered what it would looked like if Nami did the dance from Napoleon Dynamite? This is when you should review and request these things. I need tons of cracky ideas!**


	2. The CP9 Victimization Chapter

**Author's Note**: Here is the next story of this glittery brilliance. This time, two groups who desperately need randomness and crack in their lives are the ones who are getting victimized today - The CP9 and Baroque Works! So, all CP9 and Baroque Works fans/haters out there, enjoy the show!

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece.**

* * *

><p>"…So, you're saying that uracil doesn't exist in RNA? What the hell?" Sadie cried.<p>

"Master Sadie, chillax. Thymine still exists in DNA," Blaise explained. But, this isn't the story of the Capricorn Pirates, this is the story of how the CP9 got victimized senselessly.

"Are we seriously going to have a repeat of Enies Lobby?" Heathcliffe asked the readers of this fic.

"Nope! We are now cutting to some World Government office in three… Two… One," The Scottish narrator said before we cut to some World Government office building thing.

"Hey guys, look what I found!" Kaku said as he ran into a random lounge while holding a CD.

"Don't tell me it's another one of Jyabura's low-budget sex tapes!" Lucci groaned as he fed Hattori various plastic vegetables.

"For the last time, I thought we burned them all on the lawn of that Mihawk dude!" Jyabura cried as the Justin Timberlake song _Sexyback_ played in the background.

"Just put the damn CD in, Kaku. Nobody wants to listen to a Debbie Downer," Lucci explained.

"Shut up, you piece of nutmeg!" Jyabura yelled to Lucci. Kaku then put the DVD in the DVD player before he sat down on the couch with the rest of the CP9.

"Move, bitch, I can't see!" Hattori said as she tried to see past Kumadori.

"No way, man, you're annoying!" Kumadori yelled. Hattori simply flew onto Lucci's hat.

"Good pigeon named after Hatori Chidori," Lucci said to his pet bird.

"Who's Hatori Chidori?" Kalifa asked Lucci.

"Relax, bitch, and the show," Lucci said. Then, on the T.V. they were watching, various members of Baroque Works began to dance freakily in the middle of the Alabastian desert.

"_Yeah,  
>Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark<em>  
><em>Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah<em>  
><em>Yeah, yeah<em>  
><em>Yeah-ah-ah<em>  
><em>Yeah-ah-ah<em>  
><em>Yeah-ah-ah<em>  
><em>Yeah-ah-ah<em>  
><em>Yeah, yeah, yeah<em>," Daz Bones sang.

"_7am, waking up in the morning_  
><em>Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs<em>  
><em>Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal<em>  
><em>Seein' everything, the time is goin'<em>  
><em>Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'<em>  
><em>Gotta get down to the bus stop<em>  
><em>Gotta catch my bus,<br>I see my friends (My friends),"_ Miss Doublefinger sang.

"_Kickin' in the front seat_  
><em>Sittin' in the back seat<em>  
><em>Gotta make my mind up<em>  
><em>Which seat can I take<em>?" Miss Goldenweek sang.

"_It's Friday,  
>Friday<em>  
><em>Gotta get down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend<em>  
><em>Friday, Friday<em> _  
>Gettin' down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend<em>," Robin sang. At this point, it became painfully obvious that all of their voices were Auto-Tuned.

"_Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)_  
><em>Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)<em>  
><em>Fun, fun, fun, fun<em>  
><em>Lookin' forward to the weekend<em>," Mr. 5 sang.

"_7:45, we're drivin' on the highway_  
><em>Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly<em>  
><em>Fun, fun, think about fun<em>  
><em>You know what it is<em>  
><em>I got this, you got this<em>  
><em>My friend is by my right<em>  
><em>I got this, you got this<em>  
><em>Now you know it<em>," Miss Valentine's Day sing.

"_Kickin' in the front seat_  
><em>Sittin' in the back seat<em>  
><em>Gotta make my mind up<em>  
><em>Which seat can I take<em>?" Mr. 3 sang.

"_It's Friday, Friday_  
><em>Gotta get down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend<em>  
><em>Friday, Friday<em>  
><em>Gettin' down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend<em>," Robin sang.

"_Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)_  
><em>Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)<em>  
><em>Fun, fun, fun, fun<em>  
><em>Lookin' forward to the weekend<em>," Miss Merry Christmas sang.

"_Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday_  
><em>Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin')<em>  
><em>We-we-we so egg-cited<em>  
><em>We so egg-cited<em>  
><em>We gonna have a ball today<em>  
><em>Tomorrow is Saturday<em>  
><em>And Sunday comes after... wards<em>  
><em>I don't want this weekend to end<em>," Bon Kurei sang.

"_R-B, Rebecca Black_  
><em>So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)<em>  
><em>In the back seat (In the back seat)<em>  
><em>I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)<em>  
><em>Fast lanes, switchin' lanes<em>  
><em>Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!)<em> _(C'mon)  
>Passin' by is a school bus in front of me<em>  
><em>Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream<em>  
><em>Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend<em>  
><em>We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all<em>," Crocodile rapped. Somewhere at sea, Aki sneezed for no reason.

"_It's Friday, Friday_  
><em>Gotta get down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend<em>  
><em>Friday, Friday<em>  
><em>Gettin' down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend<em>

_Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)_  
><em>Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)<em>  
><em>Fun, fun, fun, fun<em>  
><em>Lookin' forward to the weekend<em>

_It's Friday Friday_  
><em>Gotta get down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend<em>  
><em>Friday, Friday<em>  
><em>Gettin' down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend<em>

_Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)_  
><em>Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)<em>  
><em>Fun, fun, fun, fun<em>  
><em>Lookin' forward to the weekend<em>," The members of Baroque Works sang in their Auto-Tuned glory. The CP9 screamed.

"What the [truck strop] is this [eyeliner] [musician's salary]?" Fukurou cried, with all of the bad words he said dubbed over with random words.

"Save me, Jeebus!" Kaku yelled. Lucci then walked up to the T.V. and began kicking it senselessly.

"Lucci, stop, the T.V. has feelings too," Kalifa said as she patted Lucci's back.

"[I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt! So sexy, it hurts!]" Spandam dubbed over Lucci's angry rant toward Kalifa.

"That's legitimate sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled before she slapped Lucci with a spicy chicken sandwich.

"I deem the both of you as Kim Kardashian worshippers!" Blueno insulted Lucci and Kalifa. Then, Spandam ran in, and he was holding a ziggurat. Yes, fangirls, a ziggurat. It was even bigger and longer than Chopper's.

"Troll in the dungeon! Troll in the dungeon!" Spandam yelled. The room grew silent.

"Thought you ought to know," Spandam said before he randomly fainted. The room grew even more silent.

"I'm hungry, let's go to McDonald's," Kaku said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note<strong>: I am very sorry for making Baroque Works sing Rebecca Black's "Friday". **Anon Fishy-chan **requested it.

**Review if you want to see not-nice things such as an abridged parody of Strong World, Spandam and Hawkins taking Dr. Kureha to Victoria's Secret to shop for underwear, and Marco contemplating the meaning of the Coachella Music Festival.**


	3. Night at the Learning Annex

**Author's Note**: Yep. I had to go in and do something about The Learning Annex. Only in my fics will you find comedy at a Learning Annex lecture.

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece**.

* * *

><p>Today's story starts on Gedatsu's lawn, where Yuki-Rin is trying to sell Girl Scout cookies to Gedatsu and his fifty-seventh (and lucky) mistress, Hancock.<p>

"Now, j00 young'uns get off mah lawn, or I shall pwn ya'll by making ya'll lose The Game!" Gedatsu yelled in a strange mixture of internet and hillbilly speak as he shot his gun at Yuki-Rin. The clip then switched to a picture of Nami and Nojiko when Arlong was about to pillage their house. Elevator music played in the background.

"Please stand by. Our team of highly-trained sheep hired by the Marines is trying to sort everything out. No, Pwngoat, don't stick it in!" Sengoku yelled in a voice-over of the tape. A few days later, Hancock wrote the Capricorn Pirates an angry letter.

"Are you kidding me? I'm so happy for Yuki-Rin!" Gareth yelled joyfully.

"That is not my problem," Rubio said. He was now dressed in a gender-flipped version of Robin's Baroque Works outfit, pimp coat and cowboy hat included. Hana then threw pork buns at them.

"You shouldn't be happy for Yuki-Rin! Because of her antics involving Girl Scout cookies and censors, we're forced to make an appearance at Hancock's lecture on beauty, princesses, and Paris Hilton at the next Shichibukai-related appearance The Learning Annex is doing!" Hana said.

"The Learning Annex?" Everyone else echoed.

"Apparently, it's going to be so famous, the Supernovas will appear," Hana said.

"Shut up! That means that Trafalgar Law will be there! He's so Goddamn smexy and stuff!" Yuki-Rin fangirled. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"And stuff? Uhh… Wow?" Kazuma commented

"I have no clue what she ingested, but it must be bad," Heathcliffe said.

"Just some Pocky. And anpan. And taiyaki. And dorayaki. And any Japanese sweet that ends in "-yaki"," Sebastian explained. That evening, the Capricorn Pirates arrived at Hancock's lecture-thing. Everyone there wore suits and dresses just like in Strong World, except for the Supernovas, who wore their normal clothes, the CP9, because they are still emotionally disturbed from Baroque Works' performance of "Friday" in the last chapter, and Yuki-Rin, who was dressed as Trafalgar Law.

"Does anybody see Law yet?" Yuki-Rin asked her crew.

"Shut the front door!" Thierry yelled.

"No. I need to let the cat out," Yuki-Rin refused. Then, Law walked by.

"Law! Let's go make out in a closet!" Yuki-Rin yelled as she and other Law fangirls chased after Law. Some time later, Hancock's lecture was about to start.

"Everybody here at The Learning Annex would like to thank –" Thatch said before Ace awoke and cut him off.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead? Or at least hiding out in Ireland?" Ace asked Thatch.

"That's what they want you to think!" Thatch yelled before Stelly and Keimi could drag him offstage. Then, Eneru walked onstage.

"Will the Real Slim Shady please stand up?" Eneru asked everyone.

"Get on with the fucking program, already!" Garp yelled.

"Anyway, please put your hands together for Boa Hancock. Be nice to her, since we had to pay her thousands of dollars in cash bribes just to have her speak for The Learning Annex," Eneru explained before Hancock walked onstage. She wore the outfit she wore during the Marineford Arc.

"Bitch stole my cheongsam!" Aki yelled from the audience.

"Thank you, everybody at The Learning Annex! Cue music!" Hancock yelled into the mike. Then, very inspirational music began.

_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick_  
><em>I wanna take a ride on your disco stick<em>  
><em>Let's have some fun, this beat is sick<em>  
><em>I wanna take a ride on your disco stick<em>

The audience sweatdropped as Hancock began doing the worm up on stage.

"Nami, what's she doing?" Luffy asked Nami, who just covered Luffy's eyes.

"Don't look until I say so," Nami instructed.

_I wanna kiss you_  
><em>But, if I do, then I might miss you, babe<em>  
><em>It's complicated and stupid<em>  
><em>Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid<em>  
><em>Guess he wants to play, wants to play<em>  
><em>A love game, a love game<em>

Then, Hancock began to dance the Cat Daddy. To this day, even the authoress of this fic doesn't know what the Cat Daddy is, nor she'd like to know.

"What the hell is this? I came here to learn, not to watch a Shichibukai freak dance!" Buggy protested.

"This is supposed to be a building for The Learning Annex, not a strip club!" Kohza yelled.

"Shameless woman, stop this instant or I will call the Marines!" Paulie threatened.

"We're right here," Aokiji, Kizaru, and Akainu said. Aokiji was smoking candy cigars, Kizaru was giving Porsche a massage, and Akainu came with his wife.

_Hold me and love me_  
><em>Just want touch you for a minute<em>  
><em>Baby, three seconds is in it for my heart to quit it<em>

_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick_  
><em>I wanna take a ride on your disco stick<em>  
><em>Don't think too much, just bust that kick<em>  
><em>I wanna take a ride on your disco stick<em>

"Luffy-sama, this is my dance of love to you!" Hancock yelled before she began to hip-hop dance.

"Wow. I surprisingly think that this actually ranks LOWER than Jersey Shore," Hana commented.

"Hana, trust me. Jersey Shore is THE lowest form of entertainment," Yuki-Rin said.

_Let's play a love game, play a love game_  
><em>Do you want love, or you want fame?<em>  
><em>Are you in the game?<em>  
><em>Know the love game<em> _  
>Let's play a love game, play a love game<em>  
><em>Do you want love, or you want fame?<em>  
><em>Are you in that game?<em>  
><em>Know the love game<em>

Just then, Hancock began dancing in a way that we can't show. The audience cried, screamed, threw things at Hancock, etc.

"Nami, what is Hancock doing?" Chopper innocently asked Nami, who just covered Chopper's eyes.

"Don't bother asking," Nami coldly stated as she carried Chopper out of the lecture hall. A few moments later, most of the audience joined Nami outside. Some of them were even crying.

"That was so cruel! Those poor, innocent people!" Aki sobbed as Heathcliffe held her in his arms.

"I understand, Aki. It's because of Hancock that Holden needs eye surgery," Heathcliffe explained. In Law's submarine, Holden was preparing to undergo eye surgery.

"Are you sure this legal?" Holden asked Law, who smirked because Bepo was playing with a rubber chicken.

"Yes… Because I play a doctor on T.V.," Law explained. The screen cut to black, and Holden screamed.

"Kids, don't worry, he's fine. Now, go to sleep," Soren said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note<strong>: I have no clue how this is getting more hits than **One Piece: Parallel Works**.

**Review both this fic and** **One Piece: Parallel Works**!


	4. Always Drink Your Milk

**Author's Note**: And, now, enjoy the result of watching a marathon of the Shin Chan dub and a musical number sung by your friendly, neighborhood pirates!

**Disclaimer**: **I don't own One Piece or the _Oh no, You Didn't_ song from Mercenaries 3**.

* * *

><p>One fine afternoon onboard The Hyperion, Ageha stormed on board with many bags filled with milk.<p>

"Everybody, get your asses in here!" Ageha yelled. Without a word, all of the Capricorn Pirates appeared, except for Daisuke.

"Where the hell is Daisuke?" Ageha asked everyone. Then, Daisuke entered. He was talking on his cell phone.

"Perfect, Enlai. We'll do lunch tomorrow," Daisuke said into his phone before he hung up.

"Great! We'll go to Chik-Fil-A!" Enlai yelled from behind Daisuke.

"Enlai, you are so stupid," Wolfgang commented as he recited some choice insults to Enlai in binary code in his head.

"First off, Kartik never told me that Galley-La was collecting milk cartons!" Ageha explained.

"Not my fault I got the memo late," Kartik said.

"Riiiggghhhttt… So, anyway, since I'm the doctor of this crew, I'm making you drink all this milk so you can become stronger and so that Kartik has a stable job he can come back to when he's sick of being with us. Don't worry, kids, that won't happen for a long time," Ageha coldly explained.

"Yeah, because if that happened, who would Karin spy on in the shower?" Z.G. asked everyone.

"Fifty says Heathcliffe," Kazuma said as he pulled out a fifty beri bill.

"Why fifty beri?" Gareth asked Kazuma.

"That's how much money the Marines will give us if we find Tony Tony Chopper and give him to them," Kazuma explained.

"Chopper sucks!" Gareth yelled.

"No, Gareth, you suck when your on your man-period," Ageha deadpanned as she poured everyone glasses of milk.

"Ooooh!" The rest of the crew said.

"You just got burned!" Holden commented.

"And by a female crewmate, no less," Yuki-Rin added as Ageha began passing around the milk.

"Alright, peoples, here's how it's going to go down; First person who drinks all of their milk wins a Target gift card," Ageha explained.

"This is as bad as the time I met Todd Haberkorn!" Kaoru cried.

"What if we're lactose intolerant?" Gareth asked sarcastically.

"Gareth, nobody on this crew is lactose intolerant. Heck, I don't think anybody in Eichiiro Oda's universe is lactose intolerant," Ageha explained.

"You forgot about Edward Elric," Gareth said under his breath.

"Ed Elric doesn't count! He's from Fullmetal Alchemist!" Hana pointed out.

"I love you, Queen Latifah!" Blaise yelled.

"Alright, everybody, shut the fuck up now so we can begin this," Ageha said cheerfully. Everyone else shut up.

"You may begin," Ageha said. And, so, the Capricorn Pirates began to drink their milk.

"_Don't worry. Just lie back and think of Kimmora Lee Simmons eating cheesecake and watching pirated episodes of Katekyo Hitman Reborn_," Gareth thought to himself as he finished drinking his milk.

"Take that, everyone! I'm finished!" Gareth boasted. Everyone else just threw their milk at him.

"Hey now, betches, that's cheating!" Ageha pointed out.

"THIS is the cow equivalent to brea–" Kazuma yelled before everyone else cut him off.

"Oh, no, he didn't!" Everyone else yelled. Then, the music started.

"_Oh, no_  
><em>Oh, no<em>  
><em>Oh, no<em>," The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Yo, yo, yo_," Gareth rapped.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Sucka tried to play me_  
><em>But, you neva paid me,<em> _Neva_," Kazuma sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Payback is a-comin'_  
><em>You will be running foreva<em>," Rubio sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Until I get my vengeance_  
><em>I will never end this mayhem<em>," Heathcliffe sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_I'm a mercenary,_  
><em>You ain't got a prayer you owe me<em>," Kaoru sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't!_  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Didn't you? Oh, no!<em>  
><em>You didn't pay me what you owe me,<em>  
><em>So, now, it's over for you<em>," The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Buh buh buh buh_…" The males of the Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_First, you try to trap me_  
><em>Then, you bust a cap in my ass<em>," Z.G. sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Such humiliation will _  
><em>Bring annihilation at last<em>," Kartik sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_It will be delicious_  
><em>When I get vicious tomorrow<em>," Gareth sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_There's no second chances_  
><em>You will do the dance of sorrow<em>," Blaise sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't!_  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Didn't you? Oh, no!<em>  
><em>You didn't pay me what you owe me,<em>  
><em>So, now, it's over for you<em>," The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Buh buh buh buh_…" The males of the Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Better watch your back, boy_  
><em>Keep runnin', this not just a game<em>  
><em>I'll never stop coming<em>," All of the Supernovas except Bonney sang.

"_I got my arsenal_  
><em>I put out the call, and<em>  
><em>When I finish, ya'll, you'll be a rag doll<em>," Aokiji, Kizaru, and Akainu sang.

"_Fool tried to diss me_  
><em>Now, you're gonna wish<em> _You weren't dead_," Enlai sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_After I deliver, _  
><em>Your blood will be a river of red<em>," Wolfgang sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Better be aware_  
><em>When there's nobody to defend you<em>," Thierry sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_So many wish to kill_  
><em>It's going to be a thrill when I end you<em>," Holden sang.

"_Oh, no, you didn't!_  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you didn't!<em>  
><em>Didn't you? Oh, no!<em>  
><em>You didn't pay me what you owe me,<em>  
><em>So, now, it's over for you<em>  
><em>Oh, no<em>  
><em>Oh, no<em>  
><em>Oh, no<em>  
><em>Oh, no, you d<em> –" The Capricorn Pirates sang before we cut to Nami, who is standing on stage at a comedy club. She was wearing the formal clothes she wore in Strong World.

"Remember, kids, always drink your milk. If you break out into random song and dance numbers, then it's not my problem," Nami told the audience and the readers of this fanfic.

"You stole my wallet!" Captain Morgan yelled from the audience.

* * *

><p>Ending Note: Review if you think my OCs are fabulous performers.<p> 


	5. Kazuma and the Magic Toaster

**Author's Note**: I decided to delete _Kazuma and the Magic Toaster, Why We Can't Celebrate Spring Break,_ and _Blame it on Flogging Molly Songs_ and re-edit them for this fanfic. That's why they're in this fic.

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny and warm day on the Grand Line as the Capricorn Pirates were doing various stuff aboard the ship. On this day, Kazuma just finished training and he was lying shirtless on the deck<p>

"Man, training was intense today. I should -" Kazuma said to himself before an unseen object cut him off.

"Hey, down here," Said the object. Kazuma looked down from the recliner he was lounging in, and saw a toaster.

"A toaster?" Kazuma asked.

"Let me tell you something. I'm not just a toaster, I'm a toaster sent here by Basil Hawkins. I'm a toaster that can predict the future," The toaster explained.

"And?" Kazuma asked the toaster sent to his crew from Basil Hawkins.

"I predict randomness. That is all," The toaster predicted. Kazuma then woke up from his nap.

"AHHH! Talking toasters!" Kazuma screamed. Whoever was on deck sweatdropped.

"I want whatever you're drinking. It must be good," Thierry said.

"Maka Chop!" Ageha yelled as she karate-chopped Thierry, Maka Albarn and Shinigami-san-style. Kazuma sweatdropped.

"I'm gonna go…. Train some more... Yeah," Kazuma said before he left.

"We didn't tell him?" Daisuke asked everyone in shock.

"What now, Daisuke?" Everyone else asked.

"Two words: Freak accident," Daisuke anwsered. Holden then walked up to Daisuke with Sebastian's copy of _The Joy of Cooking_.

"The power of Vic Mingnogna compels you!" Holden said as he hit Daisuke across the head with the heavy cookbook.

"Dear God... What the hell am I doing?" Holden cried. Everyone stood there in stoic silence. That is, until Yuki-Rin came back from town.

"I'm back," Yuki-Rin announced.

"Where the hell have you been?" Hana asked her.

"Oh, you know, I saw a movie, shopped for a bit at IKEA, got some coffee," Yuki-Rin answered.

"Coffee?" Hatori questioned.

"I want some COFFEE!" Daisuke said like the Blue Unicorn in Charlie teh Unicorn.

"Where's Kazuma?" Yuki-Rin asked everyone.

"You don't wanna know," The rest of the crew shuddered.

"Kazuma is going to die soon!" Heathcliffe yelled. Kazuma then boarded the ship. He was cosplaying as Okita from Gintama and he was handcuffed to a cardboard cutout of Vince Offer.

"This is not _My Immortal_! We do not need to go into what the characters are wearing!" Yulia yelled. Maki-chan facepalmed.

"I'm hungry. Let's go find an IHOP," Maki-chan said. A few minutes later, they arrived at Denny's, despite the fact Maki-chan wanted to go to IHOP. Spandam was their waiter.

"Welcome to Denny's, bitch. Today's special is the Grand Slammich, which is a sandwich of every single item on the menu," Spandam angrily said.

"Screw that, I want pancakes," Kaoru said apathetically.

"No! You are getting a Grand Slammich whether you like it or not! EVERYBODY IN THIS FUCKING DENNY'S IS GETTING A GRAND SLAMMICH FOR FREE!" Spandam announced. The entire restaurant cheered.

"Since when did this turn into the Oprah show?" Mina asked.

"I miss Oprah because her show ended! Luckily, she has her own network," Spandam said. The Denny's then caught on fire.

"[Beep]!" Spandam swore. The Capricorn Pirates calmly evacuated the premises. A few minutes later, they arrived in the Poconos.

"Well, here we are, in the Poconos," Yuki-Rin said to everyone.

"This is lovely. What a lovely vacationing spot," Kartik commented.

"_I wanna make some babies, but, I can't get it up! I wanna make you horny, but I can't get_ -" Apis sang before everyone else sweatdropped, because Apis is not yet legal.

"Where did you learn that?" Kazuma asked Apis.

"Rayleigh-sama!" Apis anwsered as she pointed to Rayleigh, who is drinking from his flask.

"Kelis is hot. Your argument is invalid," Rayleigh stated.

"Oh, really? The Game!" Wolfgang yelled.

"Damnit! We lost the game!" Everyone yelled.

"Rainbows!" Soren and yelled before he threw up. His puke was rainbow-colored.

"I'm bored. I wanna go to North Carolina," Sadie said. We then cut to Las Vegas, where Boa Hancock is hosting her beauty pageant.

"And, our final act will be judged by our four judges. Kinjishi Shiki..." Hancock said.

"World domination!" Shiki yelled.

"Jewelry Bonney..." Hancock continued.

"Buy me a pizza!" Bonney yelled from the judges' table.

"Iceburg..." Hancock continued.

"Nma? You say something 'bout me?" Iceburg asked.

"And... Our mystery judge!" Hancock finished. The mystery judge then entered the room to _One-Winged Angel_. But, the music stopped when the mystery judge was revealed to be... Pwngoat. The audience grew silent.

"That's mah girl!" Blackbeard drunkenly yelled.

"Our final act is... The Capricorn Pirates? I thought it would be Luffy!" Hancock announced. The Capricorn Pirates then walked on stage, and began to dance as if Kenny Ortega taught them to dance.

"_You've seen it all before_  
><em>We ain't got no taste we're all a bore<em>  
><em>But you should give us chance<em>  
><em>Cause we're just victims of circumstance<em>  
><em>We've had it pretty tough<em>  
><em>But that's ok, we like it rough<em>  
><em>We'll settle the score<em>  
><em>Survived the reds and 2 world wars<em>," Kazuma sang.

"_Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda..._  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda...<em>  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda funk<em>!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Yes, Sir, we are legal we are, though we are not as legal as you_  
><em>No, Sir, we're not equal no, though we are both from the EU<em>  
><em>We build your homes and wash your dishes,<em>  
><em>Keep you your hands all squeaky clean<em>  
><em>But one of these days you'll realize Eastern Europe is in your genes,"<em> Hatori sang.

"_Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda..._  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda...<em>  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda...<em>

_Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda..._  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda...<em>  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda funk<em>!" The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Get up and dance to our...  
>Get up and dance to our...<em>  
><em>Get up and dance to our...<br>Get up and dance to our..._  
><em>Get up and dance to our...<br>Get up and dance to our..._  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda<em>..." Hatori and Kazuma sang.

"_Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda funk!_  
><em>Get up and dance to our...<em> _  
>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda funk!<em>  
><em>Get up and dance to our...<em>  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda funk!<em>  
><em>Get up and dance to our...<em>  
><em>Get up and dance to our eastern European kinda funk<em>!" The Capricorn Pirates sang. Everybody in attendance, minus Hancock, cheered.

"Sebastian, is it lunchtime?" Daisuke asked the crew's chef.

"It's seven-thirty at night, Daisuke!" Sebastian cried.

"I daresay, what was the purpose of this fanfic?" Alec asked everyone.

"I have no clue," Isabella said.

"Who wants to get Kentucky Fried Chicken?" Sayuki asked everyone.

"Hells yeah!" The Capricorn Pirates answered before they left. Sanji walked onstage.

"You see, kids, the moral of the story is... Basically, there is no shitty moral in this fanfic! Good night!" Sanji told the audience. The audience cheered as Sanji walked off-stage.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note<strong>: For those of you that don't know, Apis is the girl in the Warship Island Arc of the anime.

**Review this fic and _One Piece: Parallel Works_ and you'll recieve a crack one-shot taking place during spring break.**


	6. Why we Can't Celebrate Spring Break

**Author's Note**: Yep. My crew gets in at least two more performances this chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own a bunch of things.**

* * *

><p>"Hey, Kazuma, what do you want to do tonight?" Hatori asked Kazuma on this night.<p>

"Same thing we do every night, Hatori. Try and take over the world!" Kazuma anwsered.

"_They're Pinky and the Brain._ _Yes, Pinky and the Brain._ _One is a genius, the other's_ -" Kazuma and Hatori sang before Urouge fell out of the sky and landed on top of Hatori.

"Spring break!" Urouge yelled. Hana managed to see all of that from the upper deck.

"Awesome! Yaoi!" Hana cheered. Everyone else sweatdropped as Urouge got up and left. A few minutes later, a yacht landed next to The Hyperion.

"Spring break!" Urouge yelled from the huge-ass yacht.

"Holy crap! Where did he get that boat?" Showtarou yelled.

"Nice boat!" Yuki-Rin commented.

"I stole it from Franky. Party time!" Urouge yelled from the huge-ass yacht. A few minutes later, the Capricorn Pirates hit the town, because it was spring break.

"Yahoo! What time is it?" Yuki-Rin asked everyone.

"Adventure Time!" Her crew anwsered.

"Which reminds me... Daisuke and I need to go to Kaku's. That giraffe bastard owes me money!" Hatori said. A minute later, Daisuke and Hatori broke into Kaku's apartment.

"Where's my $20, you -" Hatori yelled before he and Daisuke noticed that X. Drake was praticing ear candling on Kaku as Bellemeré, Kohza, Mr. 5, and Alvida watched. Sadi-Chan was also making pancakes on a hot pot.

"Uhh..." Hatori said as Grell from Kuroshitsuji came out of another room.

"Whoops! Wrong fanfic!" Grell said. Grell then left the apartment, but, not before he gave a basket of Eureka Seven merchandise to Daisuke.

"What was Grell doing here?" Daisuke asked Hatori.

"Cool! You got a Lifting board!" Hatori exclaimed.

"My voice gives me super strength!" Kaku proclaimed with the voice of Tristian Taylor. X. Drake then transformed into a dinosaur.

"_Holy fucking shit_  
><em>It's a dinosaur<em>  
><em>Jesus Christ!<br>What the fuck?_  
><em>Oh, my fucking God<em>  
><em>Fucking dinosaurs<em>  
><em>Holy shit!<em>  
><em>What the Fu-u-uck<em>?" Daisuke sang. Hatori and Daisuke ran outside, and they saw Aki dressed in a dirndl and Heathcliffe dressed in leiderhosen.

"Uh-oh... I think I know what this means..." Daisuke said.

"This must be a Fall Out Boy video gone completely wrong," Hatori commented.

"_O Vreneli, my pretty one, pray tell me, where's your home_?" Heathcliffe sang to Aki.

"_My home is Switzerland, 'tis made of wood and stone!  
><em> _It's filled with oh so many beautiful lakes and springs_!" Aki sang to Heathcliffe. They then held hands and danced around in circles as they yodeled.

"Did you know that when a member of the boy band Menudo turns sixteen, they get fired and replaced?" Kartik asked everyone. Kazuma then threw a DVD of the documentary _An Inconvenient Truth_ at Kartik's head.

"Thanks for ruining my dreams of being in Menudo!" Kazuma yelled to Kartik. Sanji approached them as _Sexyback_ played in the background.

"May I help you?" Sanji asked as _Sexyback_ played in the background.

"I want to join the boy band Menudo, but Kartik won't let me because i'm sixteen!" Kazuma cried. Sanji then lit a lollipop-flavored cigarette.

"Sorry, kid, can't help you there," Sanji apologized to Kazuma as _Sexyback_ played in the background.

"Who are you calling a kid? I'm not Edward Elric!" Kazuma yelled. A car alarm then went off.

"Shit! That's my car! I left my crayons, my Winnie the Pooh coloring book, my deluxe edition of Lady Gaga's _The Fame Monster_, and my hair care products in there!" Sanji cried as _Sexyback_ played in the background. Sanji ran off. A few minutes later, Yuki-Rin and Kazuma were at Tim Horton's getting free dozen boxes of donuts, because it was a local event.

"This spring break has been crazy," Yuki-Rin commented.

"O rly? Jesus Ponies," Kazuma said.

"Ya rly!" Yuki-Rin exclaimed. When they got back to the ship, Dewey was watching _Inception_ as he was playing on the Neopets website on Wolfgang's laptop. Z.G. was also asleep on the ground, and he was hugging a body pillow of Shinji Hirako from Bleach.

"Where's everyone else?" Yuki-Rin asked Dewey.

"We were all watching _Inception_ as Wolfgang was typing up something about stocks. Then, Hatori left the room to go tend to his crops on Farmville, Z.G. fell asleep, Aria wanted to watch "A Very Merry Ansem Retort Christmas", Molly got distracted by Alec and went to go watch Flogging Molly's Greek Theater concert, and everyone else... Just left," Dewey explained.

"WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYY?" Daisuke yelled from another room.

"What's going on?" Yuki-Rin asked. Yuki-Rin, Kazuma (Who was dragging Z.G.), and Dewey then ran to the other room, where everyone else was deeply entranced in... QVC.

"I was supposed to buy those flameless candles! Now, they're sold out! My life is ruined!" Daisuke cried. Everyone sweatdropped as Shakky, who was a delivery woman for QVC, entered the room with a large package.

"I have a delivery for Soren Sarutobi," Shakky announced.

"Can I pay you in gum?" Soren asked Shakky.

"Why the hell not?" Shakky asked back. Soren paid Shakky in gum, and she left. Soren opened the box and threw out various sheets of bubble wrap, only to get a pack of Twinkies out of the box.

"You ordered a pack of Twinkies? Bro, are you insane?" Holden asked his older brother.

"Hey, you can get ANYTHING from Ebay," Soren said. Everybody then turned to the screen.

"Happy very early spring break!" The Capricorn Pirates (minus Z.G., because he was still asleep) yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more cameos from anime characters.<strong>


	7. Blame it on Flogging Molly Songs

**Author's Note**: I think this fanfic holds the record for "Most Invader Zim refrences in a One Piece fic". We'll see about that.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Invader Zim. Also, I have no intentions of suing Jhonen Vasquez. The idea was just played for laughs for this chapter.**

* * *

><p>It was a beautiful evening at a generic island in the Grand Line, as Yuki-Rin gathered her crew for an announcement.<p>

"Circle, circle, dot dot, I got my cootie shot," Yuki-Rin announced. Her crew cheered.

"Now we'll be badass in the New World!" Kazuma proclaimed as he stuck pins in his Zoro voodoo doll.

"To celebrate this momentous occasion, we're going out!" Yuki-Rin announced. A few minutes later, they were eating at the fine food establishment known only as... Bloaty's Pizza Hog. Everyone ate in silence.

"Yuki-Rin, I don't trust this place," Hana said.

"It's pizza. You all like pizza, don't you?" Yuki-Rin asked everybody.

"No. Pizza is too uncultured," Kartik said.

"Then quit complaining and go to the salad bar," Soren said.

"It was closed by the Board of Health," Kartik explained.

"Can I go to the arcade and try and win cheap and crappy prizes?" Kazuma asked.

"Go nuts," Yuki-Rin told her swordsman/nakama. Ten minutes later...

"Oi, Kazuma! We're leaving! We think that this food is going to kill Sayuki!" Yuki-Rin called out.

"Hi, floor, make me a sandwich," Sayuki, who was now very pale and covered in a blanket, weakly said. A few feet away, many Bloaty's Pizza Hog employees were trying to get Kazuma into the mascot's costume.

"Join us... Join us..." The manager pleaded before Yuki-Rin kicked him in the crotch and helped Kazuma from the floor.

"What did you win?" Yuki-Rin asked.

"A bottle of Windex, stale nachos, a flannel shirt that hasn't been washed in months, a counterfeit Prada handbag, and a bottle of conditioner," Kazuma explained.

"You should take a very long shower and use that conditioner wisely," Yuki-Rin droned. A few minutes later, they re-arrived on the ship.

"That was the bloody worst night ever," Molly told Maki-chan as Maki-chan counted the money in her Ranka Lee piggy bank.

"We don't have enough money to sue Jhonen Vasquez," Maki-chan told Molly.

"No! Don't sue Jhonen Vasquez! He transcends Aizen in the world of awesomeness and blueberry pancakes!" Hatori yelled as Sebastian began to cook blueberry pancakes and oysters for everybody.

"I can think of five good reasons why blueberry muffins are better and why we shouldn't sue Jhonen Vasquez unless WE want to be sued," Daisuke said as he pulled a batch of blueberry muffins out of the crew's Easy Bake oven.

"Where did you get that oven?" Kuma, who suddenly appeared, asked Daisuke.

"I stole it from that Apis kid from two chapters ago. Why are you here?" Daisuke asked Kuma. Then, Kuma kicked Daisuke in the crotch so hard, Daisuke sailed across the room and broke the wall leading into the bathroom, where Kazuma was showering. Everyone screamed.

"I can see when i'm not wanted," Kuma droned before sprouting Tinkerbell wings and flying away. In his place stood Tashigi, who was dressed as Carmen Miranda, fruit hat and all.

"Wait... This isn't the set of Single Ladies," Tashigi said to herself as Daisuke absent-mindedly stole her fruit hat and gave it to Sebastian and Enlai.

"Keep it down! I'm studying Jimi Hendrix here!" Soren yelled from his room as Ageha entered.

"You know, I expect people to accidentally peep on Aki in the shower, but not Kazuma," Ageha said to herself.

"Pervert," Maki-chan, Molly, Daisuke, Sebastian, Enlai, and Kazuma, who was now only wearing Hakama pants, told Ageha.

"Speaking of which, where is Aki?" Sebastian asked everyone in the room.

"Holla," Aki greeted everyone.

"When did you get here?" Sebastian asked Aki as Alec began eating some of the blueberry pancake batter in the background and Gareth was throwing his pancakes out the window and to random people.

"Just now. Sarutobi-kun and I are watching _The Notebook_ and he wanted popcorn," Aki explained.

"THIS MOVIE IS BULLSHIT! WHY IS THIS NOT _SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD_?" Heathcliffe yelled from the lounge. We then heard sounds of a T.V. being thrown down the hall.

"Cool! A flying T.V!" Wolfgang yelled from the hallway.

"He's going to sleep tonight," Mikuri said.

"When did you get here?" Maki-chan, Molly, Daisuke, Sebastian, Enlai, Kazuma, Ageha, and Aki asked the samurai.

"Kaoru and Mina disqualified me from The Extreme Drinking Game," Mikuri explained as the rest of the crew, minus Sayuki who was asleep, entered.

"This is the last time we eat at Bloaty's Pizza Hog. Look what it does to us," Yuki-Rin said.

"Yeah," Hana agreed.

"Ditto," Aria agreed.

"What about my wife?" Mikuri asked.

"Who cares? Let's sing a song!" Yuki-Rin announced.

"_Gotta get that,_  
><em>Gotta get that,<em>  
><em>Gotta get that,<em>  
><em>Gotta geeet that<em>  
><em>That that,<em>  
><em>That that <em>

_(ShamWow now.)_  
><em>Gotta get that,<em>  
><em>(ShamWow now.)<em>  
><em>Gotta touch that,<em>  
><em>(ShamWow now.)<em>  
><em>Gotta smell that,<em>  
><em>(ShamWow now).<em>  
><em>Gotta eat that,<em>

_ShamWow now,_  
><em>ShamWow now,<em>  
><em>ShamWow now,<em> _S  
>hamWow now<em>

_Yo, I got this wig_  
><em>It really smells,<em>  
><em>You can keep it<em> _I'm up to 20 pounds._  
><em>I got my ShamWow now<em>  
><em>With my bar of soap.<em>

_I got 2 light bulbs_ _In my hands,_  
><em>Next level<em> _Super Mario Bros._  
><em>I got that<em> _(ShamWow now,)_  
><em>I like to lick that<em> _(ShamWow now.)_

_I like that_ _ShamWow now,_  
><em>It makes me really,<em> r_eally dry._  
><em>The orange color<em> m_akes me laugh,_  
><em>This guy's a creeper.<em>  
><em>I'm so 2,000 B.C.,<em>  
><em>You so, hairy and white.<em>  
><em>I got that<em> _(ShamWow now, )_  
><em>Eat the french fry,<em> _(ShamWow now.)_  
><em>Le'me eat it now.<em>

_(ShamWow now.)_  
><em>Gotta get that,<em>  
><em>(ShamWow now.)<em>  
><em>Gotta touch that,<em>  
><em>(ShamWow now.)<em>  
><em>Gotta smell that,<em>  
><em>(ShamWow now.)<em>  
><em>Gotta eat that,<em>  
><em>ShamWow now,<em>  
><em>ShamWow now,<em>  
><em>ShamWow now,<em>  
><em>ShamWow now.<em>

_I'm on that_ _ShamWow guy,_  
><em>Ya'll here that<em> c_ow go (moo)._  
><em>My ShamWow<em> s_oaks up water fast,_  
><em>It also soaks<em> u_p your face._  
><em>I'm stuck inside<em> t_his rubber tube,_  
><em>Gonna freak out,<em>  
><em>Where's my ShamWow?<em>  
><em>While I'm on<em> m_y favorite tree,_ _  
>I kinda look like<em> _A bumble bee._

_I'ma beast when_ y_ou use ShamWow,_  
><em>Into the bush<em> _I almost died._  
><em>Greener, smaller,<em> _Fatter, older,_ _Nail clippings,_ _I'm a baller._  
><em>'Cause we gotta<em> b_owl of water,_ w_e got the_ _ShamWow now._  
><em>It soaks up<em> a_ll the water,_  
><em>Well, that's what<em> t_he commercial said._ _(OH!)_

_People in_ _This bathroom,_  
><em>If you wanna<em> s_oak up water._  
><em>Put your<em> s_unglasses on_ _  
>I'm about to<em> e_at a cookie._  
><em>Here's your<em> _ShamWow._

_I be cleanin'_ _my feet,_  
><em>I be cleanin'<em> _my feet._

_Here we go_  
><em>Here we go,<em>  
><em>Orange or<em> p_urple._  
><em>Ya'll gettin'<em> s_oaked with the,_ _(ShamWow)_  
><em>I drink lots of<em> _Liquids every day,_ _It makes me wanna say_ _(ShamWow!)_  
><em>Eating chips with the<em> _(ShamWow!)_  
><em>On the toilet with the<em>  
><em>This guy is<em> r_eally creepy,_ i_t makes me_ w_anna pee.  
><em>_This guy is_ _Really creepy,_ _It makes me_ _Wanna pee._

_I like that_ _ShamWow now,_  
><em>It makes me really,<em> _Really dry._  
><em>The orange color<em> _Makes me laugh,_  
><em>This guy's a creeper.<em>  
><em>I'm so 2,000 B.C.,<em> _You so, hairy and white._  
><em>I got that<em> _(ShamWow now)_  
><em>Eat the french fry,<em> _(ShamWow now.)_  
><em>Le'me eat it now.<em>

_(ShamWow now.)_  
><em>Gotta get that,<em> _(ShamWow now.)_  
><em>Gotta touch that,<em> _(ShamWow now.)_  
><em>Gotta smell that,<em> _(ShamWow now.)_  
><em>Gotta eat that,<em> _ShamWow now,_

_ShamWow now,_  
><em>ShamWow now,<em>  
><em>ShamWow now<em>," The Capricorn Pirates, including Sayuki, sang.

"Man! What a night! I think i'm going to bed!" Yuki-Rin told her crew.

"Night, Yuki-Rin. May Vince Offer haunt your dreams," Kazuma told Yuki-Rin. That night, Yuki-Rin dreamt of the movie _Summer Wars_, Dropkick Murphys, and shrimp.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review for more cracky ideas!<strong>


	8. Mihawk's Excellent Adventure

**Author's Note**: Despite the chapter title, there are no _Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure_ refrences. Bogus!

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns all rights and royalties to One Piece.**

* * *

><p>For this chapter, none of the Straw Hats will show up, since they're currently on an epic quest to find coffee cake made by Urahara from Bleach. The Capricorn Pirates also weren't available, since Kuma sent them flying to Las Vegas and they're currently trying to find a way back to the Hyperion. Today's chapter is all about one man who changed this fanfic with his pimp sword and his churros (not really) – Dracule Mihawk.<p>

"Hancock, we've discussed this before. You are not appearing in this fic for a while after your stints at The Learning Annex and that beauty pageant," Beckmann explained off-screen.

"Screw the rules, I'm pretty!" Hancock yelled off-screen.

"Sorry, Hancock, we already gave the position of this chapter's main character away," Beckmann explained off-screen.

"To whom, I may ask? Is it that Aki Chung-Feng girl that seems prettier than me? Is it somebody ridiculous like Buggy? Oh, maybe it's Luffy-sama!" Hancock said off-screen.

"No. We gave it to Mihawk because the authoress felt sorry for him," Beckmann explained off-screen.

"Why would anybody feel sorry for him?" Hancock asked Beckmann off-screen.

"He hasn't been a big part in all of this insanity," Beckmann explained off-screen. "Okay, Hancock, put down that baseball bat. We can discuss this like men and there would be no broken pelvises!"

Beckmann let out a scream. The black screen then switched to a test pattern with Kidd on it. It said, "Eustass Kidd approves of this test pattern."

"Due to technical difficulties, we had to switch to this test pattern. Pretty bitchin' graphics, huh?" Kohza asked everybody. We then decided to cut to Mihawk, where he was at Dadan's house watching T.V.

"Who the hell are you?" Dadan asked Mihawk.

"Joo will find out soon enough," Mihawk said in a Spanish accent he suddenly picked up for the benefit of fangirls of Spain from Hetalia everywhere. Dadan got out her shotgun.

"Now, joo get off my lawn!" Dadan yelled. Mihawk made a run for it… To Burger King.

"Now I can get that free sandwich Doflamingo wouldn't shut up about!" Mihawk said as he approached the counter, where Blueno was the cashier.

"Welcome to Burger King. We're all out of buns," Blueno greeted Mihawk. A few minutes later, Mihawk arrived at the next leg of his journey – Shiliew's house.

"Went to the store to buy more paper and powdered milk. Beer's in the fridge and gun's in the cabinet. Shiliew," Mihawk read the note taped to the front door. A few minutes later, Mihawk ended up on Longring Island.

"What? Huh?" Mihawk said to himself. Ten minutes later, Mihawk somehow acquired an Amish-themed pirate crew in the Davy Back Fight.

"I never agreed to a new pirate crew!" Mihawk cried.

"Right… That's what they all said," Porsche said as she roasted chicken for frustrated boys who lost the Davy Back Fight. A few minutes later, Mihawk arrived in Impel Down, where he was staring down Captain Magellan.

"Meh. Screw this, I'm outta here," Mihawk said as he walked away.

"Come back! We should fight!" Captain Magellan yelled.

"Naw. This place is boring," Mihawk said.

"I'll give you a Dave and Buster's gift card! Oooh! You can hold my keys! I'll even give you money!" Magellan yelled in an effort for Mihawk to come back.

"Sorry, man. Holding keys doesn't interest me," Mihawk said before he left.

"You lobster!" Magellan called out to Mihawk. Some time later, after accidentally catching Tashigi in the shower, accidentally sending Rob Lucci to the hospital, and accidentally blowing up a yacht club, Mihawk arrived in Las Vegas.

"What am I doing here again? Oh, yes, I was supposed to gamble," Mihawk said to himself as he entered the MGM Grand and walked over to the poker table. Hina, Sentomaru, Van Der Decken, and Kokoro were joining Mihawk in this game of poker.

"Welcome to the MGM Grand. My name is Spandam, and I am teaching this childbirth class," Spandam introduced himself to the poker players.

"Wait… Childbirthing? You told me we were going to learn how to play Pai Gow Poker!" Hina cried.

"Yeah, well, Montblanc Norland always lies," Spandam stated.

"Oh, Spandam, teach me how to give birth! I know nothing 'bout birthin' babies!" Kokoro pleaded. Mihawk shuddered as his facial expression changed to the facial expression people get when they meet Excalibur from Soul Eater.

"This is worse than the time those Capricorn Pirates put on that parody of Ga-Rei-Zero! It was made even worse when they cast that musician who likes punk rock as Yomi and that girl he's in love with as Kagura!" Mihawk cried, showing his utter disgust and anger with Spandam.

"You don't like my childbirth classes or my lucky France costume?" Spandam asked Mihawk before he tore of his clothes. Spandam was now cosplaying as France from Hetalia.

"Ew! That's not awesome! I'm leaving!" Mihawk yelled before he walked away.

"Drive safe!" Spandam yelled. And, so, that's how Mihawk ended up at the food court, eating tacos and churros alone.

"What the hell is going on?" Mihawk asked himself. Then, Rayleigh and Vivi appeared. They were dressed in neon green skating leotards, electric blue leg warmers, and neon pink tutus; all of their neon clothes were so neon, people became temporarily blinded. There were even sparkles on their leotards.

"Am I on drugs?" Mihawk asked the two.

"Nope!" Rayleigh answered as he punched Doc Q in the face.

"Is this real life, or is it fantasy?" Mihawk wondered out loud.

"Real life," Vivi and Rayleigh answered.

"Caught in a landslide… No escape from reality," Mihawk said to himself as he got into a fetal position.

"Open your eyes," Doflamingo said off-screen.

"Not now, Doflamingo! We're segueing into a performance of _Bohemian Rhapsody_ right now, and you and your feathered pimp coat that I'm allergic to aren't stopping us!" Mihawk cried. Then, Mihawk got bitch-slapped by a fish, and he woke up in the official Shichibukai meeting room sponsored by Hampton Inn hotels, Skippy peanut butter, and the Lady Gaga album "Born This Way".

"Huh. I guess that was a dream and not a drug-induced hallucination," Mihawk said to himself.

"Mihawk, how could you fall asleep during a discussion on Mumford and Sons?" Doflamingo asked Mihawk.

"Uhh… Mumford and Sons is too mainstream?" Mihawk guessed.

"Do I believe that?" Doflamingo asked Crocodile.

"I dunno. Let's end this one-shot right now so we can go get some Thai food," Crocodile answered.

"Can't argue with that. Meeting dismissed," Sengoku announced. All of the Shichibukai got up and left.

"Mihawk!" Sengoku yelled.

"Yes, Sengoku?" Mihawk asked Sengoku.

"Tell me why you were talking about the CP9 working at Burger King, Shiliew keeping a gun in the cabinet, and childbirth classes in your sleep," Sengoku ordered.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note<strong>: Can you find all of the Hetalia refrences?

**Review if you want to see more crack, like the staff of Impel Down raising hampsters, Eneru braiding Nojiko's hair, and Smoker's rendition of Justin Bieber's _Baby_!**


	9. VV: Vocaloid Victimization

**Author's Note**: This is why I should never listen to any Vocaloid song on my iPod after drinking free coffee from a cooking shop at the mall.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, the Kagamine Len song _Spice_, the Megurine Luka song _Just be Friends_, the Hatsune Miku song _World is Mine_, and the Kagamine Len song _Give me Back my Pants_.

* * *

><p>It was another day on the Grand Line as Heathcliffe stood in line at – you guessed it – Hot Topic. Among the things he was going to buy (or Isabella shoved into the Hammerspace-styled canvas bag when Heathcliffe wasn't looking) included several pairs of bondage pants, the new Death Cab for Cutie album, a cardboard cutout of a bag of popcorn, tube socks, toques with the Annoying Orange on it, a pimp costume, various band T-shirts, a plushy of Alphonse Elric, fishnet gloves, leather pants, and a yodeling pickle. Since Heathcliffe was buying so much stuff, it took two cashiers – Paulie and Brook – to ring him up.<p>

Like, oh, my God! This boy is representing!" Brook yelled like a valley girl (or Poland or 4kids!Nami) as he held up a pair of pants that had one white pant leg and one black pant leg.

"Fishnet gloves? What are you, an okama? You're so shameless!" Paulie commented as he rung up the fishnet gloves. Then, balloons fell from the ceiling and noisemakers and vuvuzelas went off.

"Congratulations, Heathcliffe Sarutobi, you've been picked to cosplay at the world's largest stapler!" Paulie announced.

"Sweet! Can I be Death the Kid?" Heathcliffe asked Paulie.

"Are you shameless or what? This is a Vocaloid cosplay party, not a symmetry support group!" Paulie yelled.

"May I see your panties?" Brook asked Heathcliffe, who punched him.

"Dude, I'm a guy!" Heathcliffe yelled. A few hours later, pirates from all around the Grand Line were gathered at the world's largest stapler for the Vocaloid cosplay party.

"No, Lucci, that's sexual harassment," Kalifa told Lucci. Lucci was holding up Rin's outfit and Len's hooker shoes.

"It compliments your figure," Hattori told Kalifa.

"Lucci, did your pigeon just sexually harass me?" Kalifa asked Lucci, who raised an eyebrow in disgust.

"Brooklyn Rage!" Lucci yelled before tearing off his suit. Instead of wearing his Galley-La clothes under it, he wore Hatsune Miku's clothes. The rest of the CP9 sweatdropped.

"Lucci, is there something you're not telling us?" Kalifa asked Lucci. A few feet away, Luffy was crying.

"Luffy, what's wrong?" Chopper asked Luffy as he ate some ice cream.

"That guy from _Jackass_ died!" Luffy sobbed. Usopp patted him on the back.

"There, there, Luffy, I'm sure Bam Magera is in mourning. Now, let's have a leek fight!" Usopp yelled as he got out a leek.

"You're on, Mansopp!" Luffy yelled as he pulled out his leek from his pants. Usopp and Luffy then began to hit each other with their leeks.

"Men," Nami said to herself as she and Robin looked at random Vocaloid articles of clothing, such as Black Rock Shooter's pimp coat, Miku's tie, and Len's stripper shorts.

"This reminds me of the time we blew up Miss Doublefinger's house," Pell said to Iceburg. A few minutes later, the performances started.

"Welcome to the Vocaloid party sponsored by Sparkletts water, Fullmetal Alchemist, and the movie _Despicable Me_! I'm your host, Tashigi!" Tashigi – who was dressed as Megurine Luka - introduced herself. Everybody cheered.

"We've got a great show lined up for you this afternoon! But, first, may I introduce you to our judges? Give it up for… Conis, Alvida, Helmeppo, and Lola!" Tashigi introduced the judges, who waved from their position at the on-stage judges' table.

"Only on the Grand Line can a pig-lady judge a singing contest alongside a Marine," Gareth commented. He wore a fur coat with a flat straw hat and he wove around a pennant that said "Project Diva".

"Take that off. You look like an okama who lacks a sex drive," Blaise told Gareth. Hana began laughing. "Sush, woman. Can't you see that I'm making Gareth feel like he's on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"

Hana pouted.

"On second thought, have some tuna," Blaise said as he gave Hana a pack of albacore tuna with mayonnaise, relish, and a mint. Hana sweatdropped.

"And this is the thanks I get from doing your laundry, picking up your dry cleaning, and sending death threats to Sarquiss?" Hana asked Blaise. Then, the music started.

"I am NOT coming out there!" Kartik said backstage.

"You have to, or else the Tenryuubito are going to enslave you!" Ivankov yelled. Kartik then walked on stage. Everyone laughed, because he was dressed as Kagamine Rin.

"This isn't funny!" Kartik yelled.

"You're right, Kartik! But, it is sexy!" Karin said.

"Kartik, your cue!" Tashigi yelled. And, so, Kartik began to sing the Kagamine Ren song "Spice".

"_Nigakute HOT na SPICE_  
><em>Kimi dake ni ima ageru yo<em>  
><em>Muchu ni saseru boku no TASTE wo<em>  
><em>Karada juu de kanjiite<em>," Kartik sang. Everyone cheered as Kartik walked off-stage, dejected.

"Admit it, Kartik, you liked it. Anyway, here's Jewelry Bonney and Nami!" Tashigi said as Bonney and Nami walked on-stage. The Megurine Luka song _Just be Friends_ started to play.

"_Just be friends _  
><em>All we gotta do<em>  
><em>Just be friends <em>  
><em>It's time to say goodbye<em>  
><em>Just be friends <em>  
><em>All we gotta do<em>  
><em>Just be friends <em>  
><em>Just be friends<br>Just be friends_," Nami and Bonney sang. When the song was done, Bonney walked off-stage, since Nami was now doing a solo.

"_Sekai de ichi-ban OHIME-SAMA_  
><em>Sou-yu atsukai KOKORO-ete<em>  
><em>Yone<em>

_Sono-ichi_  
><em>Itsumo to chigau kami-gata ni kiga-tsuku koto<em>  
><em>Sono-ni<em>  
><em>Chanto kutsu made mirukoto, ii ne?<em>  
><em>Sono-san<em>  
><em>Watashi no hito-koto niwa mittsu no kotoba de henji suru koto<em>  
><em>Wakatta ra migite ga orusu nanowo nantoka-site<em>," Nami sang. About an hour later, the competition was coming to an end, and all of the performers were on stage.

"I want Heathcliffe's pimp coat!" Yuki-Rin cried.

"And you didn't buy the one they had at H&M why?" Kazuma asked Yuki-Rin.

"It reminded me too much of Austria," Yuki-Rin answered.

"Alright, will the winner please sing their winning song?" Tashigi requested. Then, Zoro and Sanji stepped forward. Zoro was cosplaying as Kaito's ice cream cone and Sanji was cosplaying as Len's shorts.

"_Dareka ga boku no,_  
><em>Pantsu tottan da,<em>  
><em>Neteru aida ni<em>  
><em>Pantsu totare tanda!<em>  
><em>Kinou wa kusu-sita<em> _ototoi wa zubon,_  
><em>Kyou nowa anmari da<em>  
><em>Pantsu kae shite!<em>  
><em>Keredo mo boku wa,<em>  
><em>Otoko noko dakara.<em>  
><em>Nani ga atte mo,<em>  
><em>Nakanai mon<em>," Zoro sang.

"_Minna ga suki na,_  
><em>Boku no karada wa,<em>  
><em>Oshiri toka iu mou no<em> _nakitaku naru yo!_  
><em>Boku datte sukoshi wa<em>  
><em>Yowane hakitai yo,<em>  
><em>Nandemo iikara,<em> _pantsu kaeshite yo!_  
><em>Keredo mo minna ga,<em>  
><em>Ouen kureru kara,<em>  
><em>Pantsu ga naku temo.<em>  
><em>Ganbaru mon<em>!" Sanji sang. Everyone cheered.

"Oi, Marimo, can I have my pants back?" Sanji asked Zoro, who doused Sanji's pants in gasoline. Zoro then lit a match and set Sanji's pants on fire. "What the hell, marimo?"

"This is what you get for cooking Totoro, Kiki, Laputa, Howl, Ponyo, Lupin, Sophie, and Princess Monoke for dinner!" Zoro yelled.

"Zoro, Sanji, who are those people named after Hayao Miyazaki movie characters?" Nami asked Sanji and Zoro.

"They were my fish I bought off of the Skypiean black market!" Zoro cried.

"Oh, shut up," Sanji yelled before Zoro kicked him in the crotch.

"Oh, no, you didn't!" Zoro yelled.

"I remember that music montage. We even got the admirals to sing along," Gareth reminisced.

"Shut up and get me a bucket of fried chicken," Blaise ordered.

"You're worse than the orphanage director from _Despicable Me_!" Sanji yelled to Zoro.

"Shut up! She's hot!" Zoro yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Ew! You like my mom?" Maki-chan cried.

"Zoro likes fat chicks?" Chopper asked Sanji, who facepalmed.

"Why can't you like somebody more beautiful, such as that Aki girl in the Capricorn Pirates?" Sanji asked Zoro.

"I think big is beautiful! Aki's not big enough! Plus, she's not even legal, Dartboard Brow!" Zoro yelled. As they were arguing, the audience began to leave.

"Dumbass Marimo, she's beautiful! You have no taste in women!" Sanji yelled. Before things got uglier, Robin grabbed Sanji and Nami grabbed Zoro.

"Robin-chawn, you saved me!" Sanji yelled as Robin gave him a kiss.

"Come on, silly goose, you're going to go take a bath," Robin said.

"Yes, Robin-chawn," Sanji said before he and Robin walked away. Outside of the area…

"_Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you_?" Blaise sang as he held onto Mikuri's waist.

"I'm married," Mikuri stated.

"Fuck you, betch!" Blaise cried.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: This chapter is dedicated to the memory of Ryan Dunn of <em>Jackass<em> fame, who died this morning in a car crash. He was one of the guys who made _Jackass_ awesome. Rest in peace, Ryan. You will be missed. T_T**

**Review if you want to see the reality show chapter next!**


	10. Stranded in a Parked Car

**Author's Note**: Alright, fans of The Amanda Show, you will get to see my take on the sketch "Stranded". I just saw it on Youtube, and it's hilarious. XD

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece and the scriptwriters of The Amanda Show own the sketch "Stranded".**

* * *

><p><strong>Day 1<strong>

Five male contestants – Law, Sengoku, Arlong, Kaku, and Doflamigo – and five female contestants – Hina, Chimney, Molly, Perona, and Olvia – were standing next to a parked, red convertible that was parked in a vacant lot.

"Hey, Mr. Narrator, what's going on?" Law asked the narrator.

"_This… Is… 'Stranded in… A Parked Car'_."

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Are you stupid?" Doflamingo asked the narrator.

"_No, sir, this is a legit game show. We took it from The Amanda Show_."

Nobody spoke.

"_Get in the damn car. Last person who is in the car or touching it wins 1 million beri_."

Our contestants got into the car.

"What a bloody idiot," Molly said as she sat down in the front passenger seat, slumped down, and put her feet up on the dashboard.

"_Young lady, get your legs off of there. Everyone can see your panties, and you're getting this random stranger's car all dirty_."

Molly then put her legs down while mumbling something about the narrator being a "fecking bastard".

"_I heard that_."

"I'm going to go get a soda," Kaku said as he got out of the car. Then, two men in black ran up to Kaku and carried him away.

"Tell the CP9 I did this for the fame!" Kaku yelled as he got carried away.

"_Kaku has been eliminated. The competition is now down to Trafalgar Law, Sengoku, Arlong, Doquixote Doflamingo, Hina, Chimney, Molly O'Flannigan, Perona, and Nico Olvia_."

* * *

><p><strong>Day 2<strong>

Our contestants were working on a sudoku puzzle. Then, Aokiji approached the car.

"Excuse me, is Nico Olvia on this crappy, second-rate reality show?" Aokiji asked everyone. Molly pointed to Olvia in hopes that Aokiji will make her get out of the car. Aokiji then whispered something to Olvia, who gasped.

"OHARA! MY HOMETOWN!" Olvia sobbed as she ran out of the car. She ran so fast, the men in black couldn't catch her.

"_Nico Olvia has been eliminated. The competition is now down to Perona, Sengoku, Trafalgar Law, Chimney, Arlong, Hina, Donquixote Doflamingo, and Molly O'Flannigan_."

"Damn… That bitch can run fast," Law commented, suddenly using rapper slang.

* * *

><p><strong>The Night of Day 2<strong>

Doflamingo was asleep on the car hood, when he rolled over in his sleep onto the ground. Two sleepwalking men in black picked up the sleeping Doflamingo and carried him away.

"Bangers and mash," Doflamingo said in his sleep.

"_Donquixote Doflamingo has been eliminated. The competition is now down to Molly O'Flannigan, Sengoku, Perona, Arlong, Chimney, Hina, and Trafalgar Law_."

In a half-asleep state, Hina opened the car door, got out of the car, and sleepwalked away.

"_Hina has been eliminated. The competition is now down to Trafalgar Law, Sengoku, Arlong, Molly O'Flannigan, Chimney, and Perona_."

"Shut up! We're trying to sleep!" Law yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Day 3<strong>

"_Sengoku has left the show to take care of Pwngoat, who needed to have surgery after she swallowed a Nintendo Wii controller. The competition is now down to Trafalgar Law, Arlong, Molly O'Flannigan, Chimney, and Perona_."

Everyone in the car laughed, because a goat swallowed a game controller.

"That is no reason to leave a competition!" Perona yelled, holding back laughs.

"I have to go to the bathroom!" Chimney cried.

"You held it in for THAT LONG?" Law cried.

"Go. What's stopping you?" Perona asked the little girl. Chimney got out of the car, and a man in black grabbed her hand.

"Can you take me to the bathroom?" Chimney asked the man in black.

"Sure. Then, we can go to the toy store!" The man in black said as he led Chimney away by the hand.

"_Chimney has been eliminated. The competition is down to Perona, Arlong, Molly O'Flannigan, and Trafalgar Law_."

Perona's cell phone rang, and she answered it.

"What do you want? Fine, Moria, I'll be right there," Perona said before she hung up. She then opened a car door.

"What are you doing, Miss Perona?" Law asked Perona.

"Going to Moria's. Be right back," Perona said as she stepped out of the car. A group of people dressed as Zoro, Mihawk, Moria, and Kumashi grabbed Perona by her limbs and carried her off.

"What the hell?" Perona cried as the four people carried her away.

"_Perona has been eliminated. The competition is down to Trafalgar Law, Arlong, and Molly O'Flannigan_."

* * *

><p><strong>Day 4<strong>

Arlong was telling Molly and Law a heartwarming story.

"And that was how I stole that candy from those kindergarteners," Arlong finished his story. Then, Smoker appeared from out of nowhere.

"Arlong, you are under arrest for taking candy from kids," Smoker said as he put Arlong in handcuffs and led him away.

"_Arlong has been eliminated. Only Molly O'Flannigan and Trafalgar Law remain. Who will win 1 million beri_?"

* * *

><p><strong>Day 5<strong>

Molly and Law were sitting in the front seats of the car.

"Hey, aren't you that Irish chick from Miss Yuki-Rin's crew?" Law asked Molly.

"Aye. Yuki-Rin's me half-sister and me captain. I'm the crew's first mate. Me sister absolutely fancies you," Molly explained.

"It takes a lot of work to look this hot without the use of beauty products and designer clothes, because those are too mainstream," Law explained. Then, he and Molly both noticed something everyone else didn't notice – The keys to the car were in the ignition.

"Hey, Miss O'Flannigan, why didn't we notice these keys before?" Law asked Molly.

"Because everybody on this show is a bloody idiot," Molly answered. The two grew silent.

"Wanna go to Vegas?" Molly asked Law.

"Sure. Plus, we'll have the prize money, since I heard from Mr. Doflamingo that the prize money was in the trunk," Law explained. Law then started the car, as techno music began playing over the radio.

"_No, no, no. You can't do that. Wait, that's not in the rules_."

Law didn't listen, and he drove off, with Akainu chasing them. Unfortunately, Akainu fell down.

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" Akainu yelled.

"_Hey! Alright, bring that car back! Hey, come on! I'm serious_!"

The car drove down the street and into the sunset.

"Up next on Pirate TV… Stranded in… A Hot Tub!"

We cut to five male contestants – Spandam, Capone, Heathcliffe, Kohza, and Zeff – and five female contestants – Keimi, Alvida, Moda, Dr. Kureha, and Sandersonia – sitting in an empty hot tub in somebody's bathroom.

"Well… This is so fucking awkward," Heathcliffe commented.

"I think I'm going to die! I'm not submerged in water!" Keimi cried.

"We're voting off mermaid girl and the peg-legged guy first," Alvida whispered to Heathcliffe.

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say, woman," Heathcliffe said. Dr. Kureha began to strip.

"It's time for my sponge bath!" Dr. Kureha announced. Heathcliffe turned to the camera.

"Aw, hell naw," Heathcliffe said into the camera.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note<strong>: LOL! Watch the "Stranded" video right before you read this chapter. It makes it funnier!

**Review if you want to see the Straw Hats do a musical number.**


	11. Scenes From Shanks' House

**Author's Note**: Another chapter? Alright, here we go!

**Disclaimer**:** I own neither One Piece nor the songs _Boom Boom Pow_, _Born This Way_, or _I Just Had Sex_.**

* * *

><p>One day, X. Drake was walking down the street, when he saw a DVD on the ground. He picked it up and walked to Shanks' pimping mansion.<p>

"Hey, Shanks, I found this DVD in the middle of the street. Can I watch it?" X. Drake asked Shanks, who was dressed like a princess.

"Go ahead, but, you need to be out of here by three. I'm hosting a princess party," Shanks answered.

"Are you on drugs?" X. Drake asked Shanks.

"Uhhh…. We'll discuss that later," Shanks said as he fed his goldfish strawberry pocky. X. Drake then played the DVD, which was Blaise stripping off his suit blazer, vest, and tie as he sang Lady Gaga's _Born This Way_.

"_I was born this way_," Blaise sang as he ran his hands down his chest. X. Drake then threw his axe at the T.V. and shot the DVD player with a gun.

"Drake, why do I hear gunfire?" Shanks asked X. Drake.

"It's… Uhh… It's the MTV Movie Awards!" X. Drake lied.

"Then why did I hear Lady Gaga?" Shanks asked X. Drake.

"It's Eureka Seven!" X. Drake lied. A few minutes later, Shanks' princess party began with Shanks, X. Drake, the eight other Supernovas, the Shichibukai, Whitebeard, Ace, Smoker, Tashigi, Rayleigh, all of Baroque Works, and all of the CP9 sitting in a circle. The room was silent, save for a SWAT team raid going on next door.

"Well… This is awkward," Ace stated as he thought about Thatch's toenails.

"Where the hell are the Jell-O Shots? I need them so I don't suffer a heart attack!" Rayleigh asked Shanks.

"You'll get your Jell-O Shots, GRANDPA, but, first, we're going to see an epic battle," Shanks explained. Everyone sweatdropped.

"You invited us to a princess party just so we could see an epic battle and get drunk off of Jell-O Shots?" Kalifa asked Shanks.

"Yep. Princess cake from IKEA will be served afterward, and then we will play Call of Duty," Shanks explained.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa stated.

"So, who's battling who?" Smoker asked Shanks.

"_Please be CP9 vs. Supernovas. I so want to see some hot Spandam x Hawkins yaoi_," Tashigi thought to herself.

"Sorry, Tashigi, there is absolutely no boys' love at this event. The battle will be between… The Straw Hat Pirates and the Capricorn Pirates," Shanks announced, which caused everyone to talk amongst themselves.

"I want Robin to win because she's a stone-cold fox!" Spandam announced.

"Spandam, I thought you were an abusive, sexist, misogynistic, and borderline pedophiliac man," Kalifa said.

"Shut up, Kalifa! Real men DO wear pink!" Spandam yelled.

"Hey! That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled.

"Fifty says that Holden guy wins," Kaku said as he waved around a fifty beri bill. Then, the music began and the Capricorn Pirates and Straw Hat Pirates entered wearing formal clothes as seen in Strong World.

"This is going to be epic!" Bonney said.

"_Gotta Get that_  
><em>Gotta Get that<em>  
><em>Gotta Get that<em>  
><em>Gotta get that, that, that, that, that, that, that<em>," Brook sang.

"_Boom boom boom (gotta get that)_  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that)<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that)<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that),"<em> Wolfgang sang.

"_Boom boom boom _  
><em>Boom boom boom<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom<em>," Hatori sang.

"_Yo_ _I got the hit that beat the block_  
><em>You can get that bass overload<em>," Heathcliffe sang.

"_I got that rock and roll_  
><em>That future flow<em>," Thierry sang.

"_That digital spit_  
><em>Next level, visual shit<em>  
><em>I got that (Boom boom boom)<em>  
><em>How that beat bang (Boom boom boom),"<em> Daisuke sang.

"_I like that boom boom pow_  
><em>That chick keeps jackin' my style<em>  
><em>They try copy my swagger<em>  
><em>I'm on that next shit now<em>  
><em>I'm so 3008<em>  
><em>You so 2000 and late<em>  
><em>I got that boom boom boom<em>  
><em>Let's future that boom boom boom<em>  
><em>Let me get it now<em>," Nami and Hana sang.

"_Boom boom boom (gotta get that)_  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that)<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that)<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that<em>)," Chopper sang.

"_Boom boom boom _  
><em>Boom boom boom<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom<em>," Mikuri sang.

"_I'm on the supersonic boom_  
><em>Y'all hear the space ship zoom<em>  
><em>When when I step inside the room them girls go apeshit, uh<em>," Sanji and Blaise sang.

"_Y'all stuck on super A-shit_  
><em>They're no fast stupid a bit <em>  
><em>I'm on that HD flat<em>  
><em>This beat go boom boom bat<em>," Franky sang.

"_I'm a beast when you turn me on_  
><em>Into the future cybertron<em>  
><em>Harder, faster, better, stronger<em>  
><em>Textin ladies extra longer, cause<em>  
><em>We got the beat that bounce<em>  
><em>We got the beat that pound<em>  
><em>We got the beat that 808<em>  
><em>That the boom boom in your town<em>," Usopp and Enlai sang.

"_People in the place_  
><em>If you wanna get down<em>  
><em>Put your hands in the air<em>  
><em>Will. , drop the beat now<em>," Robin and Matsu sang.

"_Yep yep_  
><em>I be rockin' them beats (Yep, yep)<em>  
><em>I be rockin' them beats (Yep yep yep, yep<em>)," Holden and Soren sang.

"_Here we go, here we go_  
><em>Satellite radio<em>  
><em>Y'all getting hit with (Boom boom)<em>  
><em>Beats so big I'm steppin on leprechauns<em>  
><em>Shittin' on y'all you with the (Boom boom)<em>  
><em>Shittin' on y'all you with the (Boom boom)<em>  
><em>Shittin' on y'all you with the..<em>  
><em>This beat be bumpin' bumpin'<em>  
><em>This beat go boom boom<em>," Luffy and Kazuma sang.

"_Let the beat rock _ _  
>Let, Let the beat rock <em>  
><em>Let the beat rooock<em>," Zoro and Brook sang.

"_This beat be bumpin' pumpin'_  
><em>This beat go boom boom <em>  
><em>This beat go boom boom<em>," Luffy and Kazuma sang.

"_I like that boom boom pow_  
><em>Them chick keeps jackin' my style<em> _T  
>hey try copy my swagger<em>  
><em>I'm on that next shit now<em>  
><em>I'm so 3008<em>  
><em>You so 2000 and late<em>  
><em>I got that boom boom boom<em>  
><em>That future boom boom boom<em>  
><em>Let me get it now<em>," Yuki-Rin sang.

"_Boom boom boom (gotta get that)_  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that)<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that)<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom (gotta get that)<em>

_Boom boom boom _  
><em>Boom boom boom<em>  
><em>Boom boom boom<em>," The Capricorn and Straw Hat Pirates sang. The attendees to Shanks' princess party sweatdropped.

"We paid a hundred beri for this?" Killer asked his captain.

"I paid five hundred beri," Kidd said.

"Why five hundred beri?" Killer asked Kidd.

"I wrecked a mailbox Iceburg owned," Kidd said. The room grew silent.

"I_ just had sex! And, it felt so good! A woman let me put my_ –" Spandam sang before Lucci cut him off.

"Shut the salami!" Lucci yelled. Kalifa grinned as she got out a monkey wrench.

"I think that's codename for "I want my kneecaps to be bashed in"," Kalifa said evilly. Lucci let out a girly scream and ran away, with Kalifa chasing him all around the house. And, so, our heartwarming and epic story of singing _Boom Boom Pow_ and breaking mailboxes ending with Shanks reading the finance section of the paper to his party guests.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note<strong>: Yeah, this one kinda sucks. At least it's random.

**Review if you want to meet "The Swordsman Family"!**


	12. Evita! The Abridged Parody!

**Author's Note**: How did I manage to abridge an entire musical into one one-shot? Magic. And Fall Out Boy songs.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, any songs from _Evita_ or _Phantom of the Opera_, or any songs by Fall Out Boy, Justin Timberlake, or Ke$ha.**

* * *

><p>It all started one day as Nico Robin and her musician boyfriends, Dracule Mihawk and Roronoa Zoro, arrived in Candy Mountain, capital of Narnia.<p>

"Alright, guys, I'm dumping you for hotter, richer men," Robin said to the two men before she walked away. Mihawk and Zoro sweatdropped.

"Since when were we musicians?" Zoro asked Mihawk.

"And why are we doing this?" Mihawk asked Zoro.

"I did it for the booze. Robin didn't give me booze. Instead, she gave me oval-shaped things that were pixilated out," Zoro explained. Mihawk facepalmed.

"Thank Kuina that bitch broke up with us!" Mihawk thanked the girl who died falling down a flight of stairs. That night, Prince Sanji's "Awesome, Handsome, Sexy Elite Guards" made up of seven guys – Zoro, Mihawk, Kartik, Law, Sabo, Smoker, and Ace – and seven girls – Molly, Kalifa, Nojiko, Tashigi, Hana, Vivi, and Matsu – were body guarding him at a charity event to raise money for Seattle's Best coffee house locations that were going to close down. Ironically, the event was held at a Starbucks.

"Hey, weren't we just musicians?" Zoro asked Mihawk.

"You're in my bodyguard tribe now. Now, shut up and protect my sexy body," Sanji ordered before he walked away.

"Oi, little girl," Zoro said.

"Bloody hell, what is it?" Molly asked Zoro.

"If I paid you a pre-arranged amount of money, will you promise not to tell Shitty Cook that I walked out of the production?" Zoro asked Molly.

"Uhh… Alright," Molly answered. Zoro then gave Molly a 50 beri bill before walking away. Eneru carried him back a few seconds later.

"What the hell?" Zoro cried.

"You signed a contract, therefore, you lost The Game," Eneru stated before he walked away. The room grew silent.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa commented.

"So, did anybody tell us how long we were supposed to stay here?" Sabo asked everyone.

"I was told we'd be let go in a half-hour," Ace said. Nojiko pulled out a pack of cards.

"Anybody want to play a card game?" Nojiko asked everyone.

"On motorcycles?" Zoro asked Nojiko.

"That meme is so last year!" Nojiko pointed out. Onstage, Robin was singing, since she promised people that she would sing for Seattle's Best.

"_I stand here as a servant of the people_  
><em>As we come together for a marvelous cause <em>  
><em>You've shown by your presence, your deeds and applause<em>  
><em>What the people can do, true power is yours<em>  
><em>Not the government's, unless it represents the people<em>," Robin sang. The audience grew silent.

"Bring out Harry and the Potters!" Kuroobi – who now had an Australian accent – yelled from the audience. Sanji then walked on stage and began to strip as the music started.

"_I'm bringing sexy back_  
><em>Them other boys don't know how to act<em>  
><em>I think its special whats behind your back<em>  
><em>So turn around and i'll pick up the slack<em>

_Take em' to the bridge_

_Dirty babe_  
><em>You see these shackles? <em> _  
>Baby I'm your slave<em>  
><em>I'll let you whip me if I misbehave<em>  
><em>It's just that no one makes me feel this way<em>

_Take em' to the chorus_ –" Sanji sang before noticing Robin.

"I'd be surprisingly good for you, yada, yada, yada, let's screw!" Robin and Sanji said before they ran off. The audience sweatdropped as Matsu and Kartik walked on-stage dressed as characters from _Phantom of the Opera_.

"Perform the Reno 911 theme song!" Sabo requested as he lit a lighter.

"_No more talk of darkness_  
><em>Forget these wide-eyed fears<em>  
><em>I'm here, nothing can harm you<em>  
><em>My words will warm and calm you<em>

_Let me be your freedom_  
><em>Let daylight dry your tears<em>  
><em>I'm here, with you, beside you<em>  
><em>To guard you and to guide you<em>," Kartik sang to Matsu.

"_Say you'll love me every waking moment_  
><em>Turn my head with talk of summertime<em>  
><em>Say you'll need me with you now and always<em>  
><em>Promise me, that all you say is true<em>  
><em>That's all I ask of you<em>," Matsu sang to Kartik.

"What the hell is this treason?" Chopper cried.

"Usopp, when's Optimus Prime coming on stage?" Luffy asked Usopp.

"Any second now, Luffy. We have to wait until the cast of _The Big Lebowski_ is finished until Optimus Prime can do his liberetto about pineapples," Usopp explained.

"The Dude abides," Luffy said with a nod.

* * *

><p>A week later, Robin and Sanji got hitched. They were now standing on the balcony of the royal palace with a large crowd of admirers and Sanji's bodyguards watching them.<p>

"Jump, Shitty Cook, jump!" Zoro encouraged.

"Zoro, he's not going to commit suicide," Kartik explained.

"Then, you haven't seen the suicide pact," Zoro deadpanned.

"Guys, it's time we rebelled against this mockery of a marriage," Sabo told everyone.

"Okay! Cue music!" Nojiko said. Then, the music started.

"_This ain't a scene, it's a Goddamn arms race_  
><em>This ain't a scene, it's a Goddamn arms race<em>  
><em>This ain't a scene, it's a Goddamn arms race<em>  
><em>Bandwagon's full<em> _Please, catch another_," Sanji's bodyguards sang before Blugori and Saldeath had to take them away. Then, Robin stepped onto the balcony dressed like Madonna's role in _Evita_.

"Where's your cone bra Lady Gaga jacked?" Kidd asked from the crowd.

"Kidd, I told you this before; English women don't pump gas naked," Killer told Kidd. Then, Robin began to sing.

"_Don't cry for me, Argentina_," Robin sang before she fainted.

"Robin-chawn!" Sanji yelled as he ran up to Robin and carried her into her bed.

"What the hell is going on here? Where's Ashton Kutcher?" Sanji cried as Robin re-gained some consciousness.

"Cook-san… I'm dying. I love you! Let's have ghost sex!" Robin said before passing away.

"ROBIN-CHAWN!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the movies, Sanji's former bodyguards were watching the movie <em>Selleck Waterfall Sandwich<em>.

"Oi, what's Dartboard Brow doing in this movie?" Zoro asked his fellow bodyguards. Then, the film stopped.

"Damn it! We didn't even get to the part where they go to Crate and Barrel!" Sabo cursed.

"_I regret to inform you that Nico Robin, the queen of Narnia, has died at 8:25 this evening_."

The bodyguards went outside in stunned silence. When they got outside, they stood in more stunned silence, until Hana had some heart wrenching words to say.

"_Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy_ _(Hey, what up girl?)_  
><em>Put my glasses on, Im out the door - I'm gonna hit this city (Lets go)<em>  
><em>Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack<em>  
><em>Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back<em>  
><em>I'm talking - pedicure on our toes, toes<em>  
><em>Trying on all our clothes, clothes<em>  
><em>Boys blowing up our phones, phones<em>  
><em>Drop-toping, playing our favorite cds<em>  
><em>Pulling up to the parties<em>  
><em>Trying to get a little bit tipsy<em>

_Don't stop, make it pop_  
><em>DJ, blow my speakers up<em>  
><em>Tonight, Imma fight<em> _Til we see the sunlight_  
><em>Tick tock, on the click<em>  
><em>But the party don't stop<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>

_Don't stop, make it pop_  
><em>DJ, blow my speakers up<em>  
><em>Tonight, Imma fight<em> _Til we see the sunlight_  
><em>Tick tock, on the click<em>  
><em>But the party don't stop<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>

_Aint got a care in world, but got plenty of beer_  
><em>Aint got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here<em>  
><em>Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger<em>  
><em>But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger<em>  
><em>Im talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk<em>  
><em>Boys trying to touch my junk, junk<em>  
><em>Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk<em>  
><em>Now, now - we goin til they kick us out, out<em>  
><em>Or the police shut us down, down<em>  
><em>Police shut us down, down<em>  
><em>Po-po shut us<em>

_Don't stop, make it pop_  
><em>DJ, blow my speakers up<em>  
><em>Tonight, Imma fight<em> _Til we see the sunlight_  
><em>Tick tock, on the clock<em>  
><em>But the party don't stop<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>

_Don't stop, make it pop_  
><em>DJ, blow my speakers up<em>  
><em>Tonight, Imma fight<em> _Til we see the sunlight_  
><em>Tick tock, on the clock<em>  
><em>But the party don't stop<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>

_DJ, you build me up_  
><em>You break me down<em>  
><em>My heart, it pounds<em>  
><em>Yeah, you got me<em>  
><em>With my hands up<em>  
><em>You got me now<em>  
><em>You gotta that sound<em>  
><em>Yea, you got me<em>  
><em>DJ, you build me up<em>  
><em>You break me down<em>  
><em>My heart, it pounds<em>  
><em>Yeah, you got me<em>  
><em>With my hands up<em>  
><em>Get your hands up<em>  
><em>Put your hands up<em>  
><em>Now, the party don't stop until I walk in<em>

_Don't stop, make it pop_  
><em>DJ, blow my speakers up<em>  
><em>Tonight, Imma fight<em> _Til we see the sunlight_  
><em>Tick tock, on the click<em>  
><em>But the party don't stop<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>

_Don't stop, make it pop_  
><em>DJ, blow my speakers up<em>  
><em>Tonight, Imma fight<em> _Til we see the sunlight_  
><em>Tick tock, on the click<em>  
><em>But the party don't stop<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>  
><em>Woah-oh oh oh<em>," Hana sang as everyone danced to the song. At the end, everyone struck a pose.

"Robin is not dead, she's still alive. We were just filming this for comedy, profit, and possibly llamas. Good night, everyone!" Yuki-Rin said off-screen.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>What is this? I don't even -

**Anyway, please review this brilliant, glittery, cracky brilliance.**


	13. Law and Bepo at KFC

**Author's Note**: Hmmm... After going to Anime Expo on Saturday (as okama!Sanji for the One Piece meetup and fem!America from Hetalia for the rest of the con) and seeing relatives at the beach yesterday, I now sit here editing this fic with a sore throat. How did that happen? Anyway, on with the show!

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. But, he doesn't own an awesome poster of the Eleven Supernovas I bought at Anime Expo on Saturday.**

* * *

><p>On this lovely Tuesday afternoon, Law had an epiphany.<p>

"Mr. Penguin, Mr. Casquette, do you guys want to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken?" Law asked the jumpsuit-clad twins.

"Go to Hell," Penguin droned. Then, Law decided to ask Jean Bart about this matter.

"Mr. Bart, do you want to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken?" Law asked the tattoo artist-turned chicken farmer-turned adult anime start-turned cop-turned slave-turned Pokémon master of the Heart Pirates.

"Now, you shut up, my boy! My chickens on Farmville need to hatch!" Jean Bart yelled as he motioned to a pot of boiling eggs.

"This guy has serious vision issues," Law commented as he walked down the hallway of his submarine that was recently featured in Seventeen Magazine as "The #1 House That is More Interesting Than Justin Bieber's House". Law then bumped into a furry.

"_I don't wanna be a furry_!" Bepo sang along to the Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged song _Brooklyn Rage_. Sealand from Hetalia then appeared for no reason.

"One time, at band camp –" Sealand said.

"Shut up!" All of the Straw Hats, Buggy's crew, the Capricorn Pirates, the Supernovas, the Shichibukai, the CP9, the Yonkou, the Marine Admirals, all of Baroque Works, Wendy from Fairy Tail, and Talho from Eureka Seven yelled.

"Holy crap, it took that many people to shut a shota up?" Casquette asked everyone.

"I like German sparkle parties!" Jean Bart announced. A few minutes later, the Heart Pirates arrived at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

"This place demeans Mokonas everywhere," Bepo commented as he put a gun up to his head.

"Mr. Bepo, put the gun down. I'm sorry that Mr. Blackbeard took your ramen and then subsequently bitch-slapped you," Law apologized to the talking bear that wasn't – or possibly moonlighting as – Pedobear.

"Now how am I going to land a role in Happy Tree Friends?" Bepo asked Law, who put on a toque, because the word "toque" sounds and looks awesome and visually appealing to this One Piece fanfiction writer.

"Just give them something a man named Z.G. owns, and you'll be fine," Law explained. Bepo then walked over to a duck pond, where the CP5 and the CP9 were feeding the ducks. Bepo then took a bag of bread from Z.G.

"Hey!" Z.G. cried.

"Look, man, do you want to see me on Happy Tree Friends or not?" Bepo asked Z.G.

"I should call the police on you!" Z.G. yelled to the bear, who gave him a Hooters gift card.

"Here's a Hooters gift card. Use it when you get fired," Bepo explained before he returned to Law.

"Since when does KFC have a freakin' duck pond?" Law asked Bepo in a sexy, angry voice.

"It also has a bubble bath," Bepo said as he pointed to a bathtub, where Kazuma was taking a bubble bath. Keimi, a lifeguard for the bathtub, blew a whistle.

"No smoking!" Keimi reminded everyone.

"Screw you, pantyhose; I'm going home to smoke!" Smoker cried as he picked up Capone and jumped out of a window.

"...And this is why you don't need to be on drugs to enjoy the Franz Ferdinand song _Ulysses_," Sadie explained, finishing reading an essay. Nobody said anything.

"I like to ride gorillas!" Blaise announced.

"Can I show up now?" Hancock asked everybody.

"No! Nobody likes you, you Son of a Bisquick pancake mix box!" Nami yelled. Everyone gasped.

"Wow. That's hardcore," Holden commented.

"I love Pamela Anderson so much! Why did Baywatch get cancelled?" Blaise cried.

Shut up! Prussia is better!" Bonney yelled. And, so, a free-for-all fight broke out between the Capricorn Pirates and the Supernovas over Pamela Anderson and Prussia. Law didn't participate in the fight because he's a wuss.

"Excuse me?" Law asked the cameraman, obviously offended. Then, two people dressed as dancing lobsters (Brook and Montblanc Norland) grabbed the Capricorn Pirates and all of the Supernovas (except for Law) and took them away. Law and Bepo finally walked over to the counter, were Bellemeré and Iceburg – who was cosplay as Kanda from D. Gray-man – were arguing over which was better, Pokémon cards or the UTAUloids of Vocaloid fame.

"_The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time. One with a collared turtleneck. That's the kind. 'Cause when you're wearing that one, special sweater_ –" Bellemeré sang before Law cut her off.

"Bitch, can I have my food?" Law asked Bellemeré, who hit him with a big, long spork.

"Young man, where are your manners?" Bellemeré asked Law.

"I'm sorry, let me try again. Miss Bitch, may I please have my food?" Law asked Bellemeré.

"Sure," Bellemeré answered.

"I'll take a large popcorn chicken, a party-sized bucket of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, potato skins, coleslaw, corn on the cob, biscuits, and that chocolate cake," Law said.

"We're all out of those foods," Bellemeré said. Law groaned sexily.

"Now how am I going to feed myself, three human mouths, and the mouth of a bear?" Law cried. The next thing Law knew was that he was dressed as a Chippendales model.

"_I whip my hair back and fourth. I whip my hair back and fourth. I whip my hair back and fourth_," Law sang as he tried to pelvic thrust. Bepo facepalmed.

"I'm hiding his Ouran High School Host Club manga," Bepo said to Jean Bart.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: I want KFC now. Thanks a lot, Law.<strong>

**Want to see Carue make waffles WITHOUT the help of Igaram? Want to see Spandam play strip poker against a tree? Want to see the Capricorn Pirates having a feast at a 7-11 the Supernovas are working at? Have you been dying to see Crocodile and Doflamingo perform break-dancing for the Shichibukai? This is why the review button below this block of text exists.**


	14. Lady Marmalade, Bed Intruder Style!

**Author's Note**: Whilst browsing the Super Smash Brothers fanfiction last night (I was looking for a Mewtwo fic, okay?), I came across a fanfic that had Link in some sort of story set to the song "Lady Marmalade". So, I thought, "Hmm... We're doing Moulin Rouge for this chapter!" And, thus, this mind-scarring chapter has been made. You have been warned of how mind-scarring it is.

**Disclaimer: I don't own the movie Moulin Rouge, the song "Lady Marmalade", Austria's lines in the English dub of Hetalia, or the Bed Intruder Song.**

* * *

><p>It started one night in a magical place called "Francis Bonnefoy's House", as our favorite shipwright was walking down the street. No, it wasn't Franky, you silly geese, it was Kartik.<p>

"Where the Dante's Inferno am I? Where's Yuki-Rin? Where's Karin? Where's the Hyperion? Is this real life, or is it fantasy?" Kartik asked himself. But, before we could do another reciting of "Bohemian Rhapsody", Kartik arrived at some type of nightclub in a red windmill.

"Oh, my God! It's the Moulin Rouge from that musical Matsul oves! This is awesome!" Kartik said as he cut Smoker, Zoro, Doflamingo, and Paulie in line.

"Welcome to Moulin Rouge. Right this way," The bouncer – who was actually Usopp cosplaying as a mix of his Strong World clothes and Antoine Dodson – ushered Kartik inside the nightclub.

"Now then, I'll supervise all of your country's politics. All you have to do is loyally obey me without asking any questions. Are there any questions?" Usopp asked Kartik a la Austria.

"By any chance, are Nicole Kidman and Ewan MacGregor here?" Kartik asked Usopp.

"No, they're not," Usopp answered bluntly before leaving the poor shipwright alone.

"Just where am I?" Kartik said for the millionth time in this one-shot. Three girls named Nami (who was wearing her Skypeia Arc clothes), Robin (who was wearing her Baroque Works clothes), and Hancock (who was wearing the cheongsam she stole off of Aki back in the Learning Annex chapter) and a man named Hawkins (who was wearing a black corset with zebra-print short-shorts and thigh-high stripper boots) approached him.

"_Where's all my soul sistas?_  
><em>Let me hear ya'll, flow sistas<em>!" Nami sang.

"What?" Kartik said.

"_Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista _  
><em>Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista<em>," Robin sang. The four parted, revealing Matsu, who was wearing a blue corset with white petticoats and stripper heels like Hawkins.

"Matsu Takeshima, I demand you change clothes this instant! Ladies do not dress like that!" Kartik yelled.

"Unless they're working here," Hawkins added.

"And why are YOU working here?" Kartik asked Hawkins.

"It pays the bills," Hawkins explained.

"_He met Marmalade down in ol' Moulin Rouge_  
><em>Struttin' her stuff on the street<em>  
><em>She said<em> –" Robin sang.

"_Hello. Hey, Joe, you wanna give it a go_?" Matsu asked Kartik sexily.

"You all need to be on Celebrity Rehab!" Kartik cried.

"_Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)_  
><em>Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)<em>  
><em>Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea<em>)," Nami, Matsu, Robin, Hawkins, and Hancock sang.

"Sing it!" Nami demanded.

"No," Kartik said, causing Kazuma to put a gun to his head. Strangely, Kazuma was dressed as a pimp.

"Kazuma, what are you doing here?" Kartik asked Kazuma.

"Just do what the lady says, and there will be no lawsuits, involvement from the Marines, or riots," Kazuma explained.

"_Creole Lady Marmalade_," Kartik said dully.

"_Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir_  
><em>Voulez vous coucher avec moi<em>?" Matsu asked Kartik.

"No! What has gotten into you, Matsu?" Kartik asked Matsu, who just dragged him to a bedroom.

"Stay here while I freshen up," Matsu ordered before she went into a bathroom.

"Why is there a bedroom in this place?" Kartik asked himself.

_He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up_  
><em>Boy drank all that Magnolia wine<em>  
><em>On her black satin sheets<em>  
><em>Is where he started to freak, yeah<em>

"There was nothing else to drink, so I had to drink the wine," Kartik explained.

"Right…" Nami said off-screen.

"Are you implying that I am an alcoholic like Thierry?" Kartik cried.

"Thierry who?" Nami asked Kartik.

"_Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)_  
><em>Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)<em>  
><em>Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea<em>)," Nami, Robin, Hawkins, and Hancock sang. Matsu then entered. She was now wearing a top hat and a masquerade mask.

"Kartik, my love, it's time!" Matsu reminded.

"This is something Karin would do, not you!" Kartik cried as he tried to find his bow and arrows.

"Who the hell took my bow and arrows?" Kartik cried.

"We had to confiscate them when you came in so we could prevent riots from breaking out," Heathcliffe explained off-screen.

"Heathcliffe, why are you involved in this?" Kartik asked Heathcliffe.

"Shut up! I lost a bet to Holden!" Heathcliffe cried off-screen.

"_He come through with the money in the garterbelts_  
><em>I let him know we 'bout that cake straight up the gate, uh<em>  
><em>We independent women, some mistake us for whores<em>  
><em>I'm saying, why spend mine when I can spend yours<em>?" Hancock sang.

"I disagree! Heathcliffe, Kazuma, Matsu, we're leaving!" Kartik yelled. Then, Crocodile, the boss of this establishment, entered the room.

"_Disagree? Well that's you, and I'm sorry_  
><em>Imma keep playing these cats out like Atari<em>," Crocodile apologized before he walked out the room. Kartik ran down the hall after him, but Matsu stopped him.

"_Wearing high heel shoes, getting love from the dudes _  
><em>Four bad ass chicks from the Moulin Rouge<em>  
><em>Hey, sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough, sistas<em>  
><em>We drink wine with diamonds in the glass<em>  
><em>By the case the meaning of expensive taste<em>  
><em>If you wanna Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya <em>  
><em>Mocha Chocalate-a what?<em>  
><em>Creole Lady Marmalade<em>  
><em>One more time, c'mon now<em>," Robin sang. Kartik grabbed Matsu by the hands.

"Listen to me, Matsu. This isn't like you, this is like Karin. Now, change into something decent while I go find Kazuma and Heathcliffe. We're going back to the Hyperion," Kartik explained.

"_Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth_  
><em>color of cafe au lait, alright<em>  
><em>Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried<em> –" Matsu sang before she tilted Kartik's head to the screen, where somebody is holding up a cue card.

"Heathcliffe, I'm not saying that," Kartik stated.

"Why not? It would be hilarious to see you yodel," Heathcliffe explained. Kartik facepalmed.

"That's it, I'm out of here," Kartik stated before he walked back to the main stage area, where Usopp, Luffy, Kazuma, Heathcliffe, Hawkins, Hancock, Crocodile, Smoker, Nami, Robin, and Matsu waited for him. Luffy was dressed as a biker and Heathcliffe was only wearing a towel.

"Hey, Antoine Dodson, please help me!" Kartik pleaded.

"You idiot! Why would you form an alliance with Matsu?" Usopp asked Kartik.

"What shall I do?" Kartik asked with tears streaming down his face.

"Well, obviously, we have a rapist in Lincoln Park!" Luffy announced.

"_He's climbin in your windows_  
><em>He's snatchin your people up<em>  
><em>Tryna rape em so y'all need to<em>  
><em>Hide your kids, hide your wife<em>  
><em>Hide your kids, hide your wife<em>  
><em>Hide your kids, hide your wife<em>  
><em>And, hide your husband, cuz they're rapin everybody out here<em>

_You don't have to come and confess_  
><em>We're lookin for you<em>  
><em>We gon find you we gon find you<em>  
><em>So you can run and tell that,<em>  
><em>Run and tell that<em>  
><em>Run and tell that, homeboy<em>  
><em>Home, home, homeboy<em>," Usopp, Luffy, Kazuma, Heathcliffe, Hawkins, Hancock, Crocodile, Smoker, Nami, Robin, and Matsu sang.

"_We got your t-shirt_  
><em>You done left fingerprints and all<em>  
><em>You are so dumb<em>  
><em>You are really dumb, for real<em>," Heathcliffe sang.

"_The man got away leaving behind evidence_," Nami sang.

"_I was attacked by some idiot in the projects_," Kartik sang.

"_So dumb, so dumb, so dumb, so_ –" Luffy sang.

"_He's climbin in your windows_  
><em>He's snatchin your people up<em>  
><em>Tryna rape em so y'all need to<em>  
><em>Hide your kids, hide your wife<em>  
><em>Hide your kids, hide your wife<em>  
><em>Hide your kids, hide your wife<em>  
><em>And, hide your husband, cuz they're rapin everybody out here<em>

_You don't have to come and confess_  
><em>We're lookin for you<em>  
><em>We gon find you we gon find you<em>  
><em>So you can run and tell that,<em>  
><em>Run and tell that<em>  
><em>Run and tell that, homeboy<em>  
><em>Home, home, homeboy<em>," Usopp, Luffy, Kazuma, Heathcliffe, Hawkins, Hancock, Crocodile, Smoker, Nami, Robin, and Matsu sang. Kartik just facepalmed and left.

"_Now he's back home doing 9 to 5_  
><em>Sleepin' the grey, flannel life<em>," Nami sang as Kartik slept in his room in the Hyperion.

"_But, when he turns off to sleep, memories creep_," Robin sang. Kartik then woke up, and he saw that Nami, Robin, Hancock, and Matsu were also in his bed.

"Hi, Kartik! _More, more, more_!" Nami, Robin, Matsu, and Hancock greeted the poor shipwright. Kartik then awoke – screaming, we may add – from all of the previous events, which were all a dream.

"Dude…" Soren commented.

"Give it another chapter, and his mind won't be scarred anymore," Daisuke advised.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Wow... I have so much to say about this one chapter... But, i'll spare you my rant.

**Review if you want to see more crack, such as the Whitebeard Pirates becoming olympic figure skaters, Smoker teaching driving lessons to random teenagers in One Piece, Miss Valentine's Day starting a cult that centers around Nyan Cat, or Perona and Molly bonding over Pop Tarts.**


	15. Where's Mansopp?

**Author's Note**: Here is the SmokerxAce and Smoker teaching driving lessons you have been waiting for!

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece and Sean Paul owns _Get Busy_**.

* * *

><p>It started one day as Usopp, Ace, and Luffy sat in a class taught by Smoker. Tashigi, Zoro, Sabo, Law, Bonney, Vivi, and some other, nameless teenagers joined them.<p>

"Welcome to driving school. I am Smoker, and I will be your teacher, since the authoress has a knack for torturing me in this fic," Smoker introduced himself.

"Hi, Smokie Smoke! My name is Luffy and I'm gonna be –" Luffy introduced himself.

"A new driver! First, we will discuss all 800 ways on what NOT to do at a stoplight. And, no, when you write the essay on this, you MAY NOT procrastinate like Spongebob!" Smoker explained. Ace stood up. "Yes, Portgas, what the hell do you want besides bathroom passes?"

"Are you trying to seduce me?" Ace slurred, because he drank a whole case of Heineken beer and a whole bottle of Coors beer before coming here. "You're so cute,"

"You're so going to be arrested," Smoker said as he put Ace in handcuffs.

"Ooh! Is this some type of bondage or S&M tactic?" Ace asked Smoker. Usopp turned to Luffy.

"Hey, Luffy, wanna go on a road trip to find Mansopp?" Usopp asked Luffy.

"What's a Mansopp? It's a special drink that Ace drinks that I can't have?" Luffy asked Usopp.

"Nope! It's my alter ego who is so manly, Kamina would go into cardiac arrest if he saw him," Usopp explained.

"Sugoi! Let's go on a road trip!" Luffy said.

"You can't even drive yet!" Smoker pointed out.

"But, Smokies, that would defeat the purpose of this one-shot," Usopp argued. Smoker sighed.

"Fine. Go drive a car without knowing what not to do at a stoplight. I don't care if you get a ticket or get sent to jail, just go and leave me alone so I can arrest Straw Hat's brother," Smoker explained.

"Yay!" Usopp, Luffy, and Ace cheered. A few minutes later, Usopp and Luffy were in a car. Usopp was driving.

"Great idea, Luffy! But, why is Nami with us?" Usopp asked Luffy as he pointed to Nami in the backseat.

"I want to make sure you guys didn't crash. And, why did you choose to bring Sanji and Robin?" Nami asked Usopp as she pointed to Sanji, who was sitting between Nami and Robin.

"Nami-swan was coming, so I decided to come and bring Robin-chwan. Now, tell me why the Marimo came," Sanji demanded as he pointed to Zoro (who was asleep), Franky, and Brook.

"Brook and I were walking down the road to get some lemons for dinner, and we found Zoro," Franky explained as he pointed to Zoro, who woke up.

"Oi, are we at Pier One Imports yet?" Zoro asked Franky. Chopper then crawled out of Brook's afro.

"Why the fuck are the Capricorn Pirates here?" Chopper asked the Straw Hats sexily and passionately.

"We're looking for David Bowie-sensei," Hana explained.

"I found him!" Yuki-Rin said as she began to poke Sanji.

"I thought David Bowie-sensei was Kakashi," Sanji said.

"We don't have time to cross dimensions and go to the Naruto universe," Kazuma explained.

"Hey, guys, how did the CP9 get here?" Daisuke asked everyone as he pointed to the CP9, who were sitting in a circle of the backseat portion of the car and drinking tea.

"Sex is a valid workout!" Lucci cried out. A few minutes later, they stopped at a gas station. Why? To buy a Christmas tree.

"Why the lasagna are we buying a Christmas tree?" Mikuri yelled to Blaise, who grabbed the front of his SpongeBob yukata.

"Shut up and kiss me, you sexy beast," Blaise instructed.

"Mommy, can we watch _Bee Movie_?" Daisuke asked Mikuri.

"No! Shut up and go watch Teen Mom!" Blaise yelled to Daisuke, who began crying.

"Get connected for free with Education Connection! Get connected for free with Education Connection!" Daisuke sobbed. Then, Daisuke's cell phone rang. His ringtone was the DDR song _Love Love Shine_. The rest of the Capricorn Pirates got out their cell phones and began filming Daisuke's phone conversation in case the Pope came to visit.

"Hello? Yes, he's here," Daisuke said before handing his phone to Rubio. "This guy said something about a doorman dying."

Rubio put the phone to his ear.

"Did Heathcliffe crash the premiere of _Snow Flower and the Secret Fan_ dressed as the Pokémon Regice? What? Dinosaur chicken nuggets?" Rubio cried before handing back Daisuke's phone. A few minutes later, at sunset, the gang of pirates arrived at a kids' theme park.

"Hey, this isn't Disneyland Halifax!" Franky cried.

"I don't have the heart to tell him that Disneyland Halifax doesn't exist," Nami whispered to Robin.

"Wither goest though, young rogues?"

Then, Mansopp – who was basically timeskip!Usopp – approached them.

"Oh, no, it's Mansopp," Nami said dully.

"Whatever shall we do?" Enlai asked dully as he hit Wolfgang with a vuvuzela.

"You shall stare at my manly pecs," Mansopp commanded. Just then, everybody but Heathcliffe and Nami fainted, because Mansopp is so manly, he has Haki infused into every manly word he says.

"Oh, no, Heathcliffe, we're screwed," Nami said dully.

"Who will come and save us now?" Heathcliffe asked Nami dully. Then, Smoker appeared. Ace was next to him in seastone cuffs, just like his Impel Down appearance!

"We'll save you, driving school dropouts!" Smoker yelled before he threw off his jacket.

"You'll never stop the great, MANLY, Captain Mansopp!" Mansopp yelled in a manly way. Then, the manly music began to play.

"_Shake dat ting, Miss Kana Kana_  
><em>Shake dat ting, Miss Annabella<em>  
><em>Shake dat ting, yan, Donna Donna<em>  
><em>Jodi and Rebecca<em>

_Woman, get busy_  
><em>Jus shake dat booty non-stop<em>  
><em>When tha beat drops,<em>  
><em>Jus keep swingin' it<em>  
><em>Get jiggy, get crunked up<em>  
><em>Percolate anyting you want to call it<em>  
><em>Oscillate you hip and don't take pity<em>  
><em>Me want fi see you get live 'pon tha riddim when me ryde<em>  
><em>And, me lyrics a provide electricity<em>  
><em>Gal, nobody can tell you nuttin'<em>  
><em>Can you done know your destiny<em>

_Yo, sexy ladies, want par wid us_ _In a tha car wid us_  
><em>Them nah war wid us<em>  
><em>In a tha club, them want flex wid us<em>  
><em>To get next to us<em>  
><em>Them, cah vex wid us<em>  
><em>From tha day me born, Jah ignite me flame<em>  
><em>Gal, a call me name and tis me fame<em> _It's all good, girl, turn me on_  
><em>'Til a early morn'<em>  
><em>Let's get it on,<em>  
><em>Let's get it on 'til a early morn'<em>  
><em>Girl, it's all good, jus turn me on<em>

_Woman, don't sweat it, don't get agitate, just gwaan rotate_  
><em>Can anyting you want you,<em>  
><em>Know, you must get it<em>  
><em>From, you name a mentuin<em>  
><em>Don't ease tha tension<em>  
><em>Jus run tha program gals wan pet it<em>  
><em>Jus have a good tyme<em>  
><em>Gal, free up unu mind caw nobody can dis yo' man won't let it can<em> _Y  
>ou a tha number one gal<em>  
><em>Wave yo' hand<em>  
><em>Make them see yo' weddin' band<em>

_Yo, sexy ladies, want par wid us_ _In a tha car wid us_  
><em>Them nah war wid us<em>  
><em>In a tha club them want flex wid us<em>  
><em>To get next to us<em>  
><em>Them cah vex wid us<em>  
><em>From tha day me born, jah ignite me flame<em>  
><em>Gal, a call me name and tis me fame<em>  
><em>It's all good girl turn me on<em>  
><em>'Til a early morn'<em>  
><em>Let's get it on<em>  
><em>Let's get it on 'til a early morn'<em>  
><em>Girl it's all good just turn me on<em>

_Woman, get busy_  
><em>Jus shake dat booty non-stop<em>  
><em>When tha beat drops<em>  
><em>Jus keep swinging it<em>  
><em>Get jiggy, get crunked up<em>  
><em>Percolate anyting you want to call it<em>  
><em>Oscillate you hip and don't take pity<em>  
><em>Me want fi see you get live 'pon the riddim when me ride<em>  
><em>And me lyrics a provide electricity<em>  
><em>Gal nobody can tell you nuttin'<em>  
><em>Can you done know your destiny<em>

_Yo, sexy ladies, want par wid us_  
><em>In a tha car wid us<em>  
><em>Them nah war wid us<em>  
><em>In a tha club them want flex wid us<em>  
><em>To get next to us<em>  
><em>Them cah vex wid us<em>  
><em>From tha day me born jah ignite me flame<em>  
><em>Gal, a call me name and tis me fame<em>  
><em>It's all good, girl, turn me on<em>  
><em>'Til a early morn'<em>  
><em>Let's get it on<em>  
><em>Let's get it on 'til a early morn'<em> _girl it's all good just turn me on_

_Yo, shake dat ting,_ _Miss Kana Kana, shake dat ting_  
><em>Yo, Annabella, shake dat ting<em>  
><em>Miss Donna Donna<em>  
><em>Yo, Miss Jodi, yu'r di one and, Rebecca, shake dat ting<em>  
><em>Yo, shake dat ting, yo<em> _Joanna, shake dat ting, yo,_  
><em>Annabella, shake dat ting,<em>  
><em>Miss Kana Kana<em>

_Yo, sexy ladies, want par wid us_ _In a tha car wid us_  
><em>Them nah war wid us<em> _In a tha club them want flex wid us_  
><em>To get next to us<em>  
><em>Them cah vex wid us<em>  
><em>From tha day me born jah ignite me flame<em>  
><em>Gal a call me name and tis me fame<em>  
><em>It's all good girl turn me on<em>  
><em>'Til a early morn'<em>  
><em>Let's get it on<em>  
><em>Let's get it on 'til a early morn'<em>  
><em>Girl it's all good just turn me on<em>  
><em>Let's get it on 'til a early morn'<em>  
><em>Girl it's all good just turn me on<em>

_Let's get it on 'til a early morn'_  
><em>Girl it's all good just turn me on<em>," Smoker sang as he did some awkward dance moves. Then, Mansopp exploded.

"Yay! We're saved!" Nami cheered as everyone woke up.

"Pop-Tarts!" Lucci cried. Later that night, the group of people on the quest for Mansopp were driving back to their ships.

"Hey, guys, I think we're forgetting someone," Nami pointed out. A hundred miles back, Mina and Sanji were running away from the train in the kids' theme part.

"This is the worst vacation ever! I want my money back, my hair sucks, and these damn amusement park people cook the shittiest food ever!" Sanji yelled.

"Shut up and keep running! At the rate we're going, we could run into Orihara Izaya and ask him for help!" Mina yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>This is probably the manliest chapter in the fic.

**Remember to review this fic, or Mansopp WILL find you.**


	16. The Abuse of Girl Scouts and Cookies

**Aki: "Just a reminder, your authoress will be back from her vacation on Friday afternoon and updates will go back to normal."**

**Heathcliffe: "**Aren't the updates going as usual because the authoress brought her laptop**?"**

**Aki ***Sighs*

**Heathcliffe: "**Come here, you!"

*Aki and Heathcliffe begin hugging and kissing and doing lovey-dovey things*

**Daisuke, Molly, Gareth, and Hana: "**Get a room!"

**Holden: "Anyway, the authoress of this fic does not own One Piece, Austria, Lenalee, Fai D. Flourite, or the Flogging Molly song "Requiem for a Dying Song"."**

* * *

><p>It was just another day on the Grand Line as Blackbeard's crew bullied Ace, again.<p>

"You're fat!" Lafitte yelled to a sobbing Ace.

"Shut up! I'm just muscular like the Governator!" Ace sobbed.

"You dress like an okama with the 'I'll Die if I Wear a Shirt Disease'!" Doc Q yelled to Ace.

"Shut up! It's not my fault the ladies can't resist my sexy body!" Ace sobbed.

"You're useless in the rain, just like Roy Mustang!" Shiliew yelled to Ace.

"Shut up! At least Riza can bitch slap him whenever she wants!" Ace sobbed. Then, things got worse for Fire-Fist.

"Yo momma is so fat, they land helicopters on her!" Blackbeard yelled to Ace. The Blackbeard Pirates began laughing.

"You guys are meanies!" Ace yelled before he ran away sobbing.

And, that is why Ace locked himself in his room inside the Moby Dick.

"Daddy, why won't Ace go with me to Wal-mart to buy a dress?" Curiel asked Whitebeard, who was watching an adult movie with his nurses. By "adult movie", we mean "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic".

"The Blackbeard Pirates made him cry. To avoid something along the proportions of war and dead bodies, please do not get revenge and leave Ace alone," Whitebeard explained.

"And when will that be?" Curiel asked Whitebeard.

"Whenever he feels like it! Gosh!" Whitebeard said a la Napoleon Dynamite. Then, Marco and Izou entered. Both of them were dressed in Girl Scout uniforms.

"Honey, I'm home," Izou announced.

"We sold some cookies to that creeper guy on the Capircorn Pirates who always wears a suit and wants to get into the hakama pants of that samurai on the crew. I think his name was "Blaise", or "Scott Pilgrim", or, "Optimus Prime", or something. I dunno, since Cheese Nips are awesome," Marco explained. The words "Alright, boys and girls, what name doesn't belong?" flashed onto the screen.

"Hmm… I think the name "Something" doesn't belong," Whitebeard stated. A "ding" went off in the background as a green checkmark flashed onto the screen.

"I rock. Out loud," Whitebeard said. Meanwhile, in Ace's room…

"_And, although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a… Firetruck you_!" Ace sang before busrting into tears. "Why does Blackbeard hate me? He never returns my calls!"

"That's because most of your calls to Blackbeard consist of phone sex and telemarketing."

Ace turned back to see Marco and Izou.

"How did you get in when I locked and barricaded the door with Oars Jr.?" Ace cried.

"Oars Jr. went to a strip club to mourn over the death of Amy Winehouse," Marco explained.

"Damnit! Luffy, Sabo, Gareth, and I were going to go see her at the World's Largest Stapler!" Ace cried.

"I thought only Vocaloids performed there," Marco pointed out.

"The World's Largest Stapler Experience performed there too, Marco, get your facts straight!" Izou yelled. Ace then got an idea so wonderful, Betty White and the members of Enter Shikari would go into cardiac arrest if they heard about it.

"Marco, can I borrow that tight shirt and short skirt of yours?" Ace asked Marco.

"Don't tell me you're going to reinvent yourself as a stripper who likes to lick used cars!" Marco cried.

"Nope," Ace said. A few minutes later, Ace, who was now wearing the Girl Scout uniform, joined Marco, Izou, Perona, Kaya, Miss Goldenweek, Conis, Moda, Cindry, Akari, Sadi-chan, Chimney, Bon Kurei, and Inazuma at the Girl Scout meeting onboard the Moby Dick. Heathcliffe and Law were their troop leaders.

_There's a government whip cracked across your back_  
><em>Where the honor of the day is don't listen, attack<em>  
><em>See the blood run down in your bushwhack town<em>  
><em>Revolution is the gimmick of the jokeless clown<em>  
><em>Where the body's just yelling for the taxman's gun<em>

_Talk, don't talk, if you've nothing to say_  
><em>Walk don't walk if your feet don't know the way<em>

"Welcome to the OC, bitches!" Heathcliffe said before pulling out a fish taco and eating it with a giant, princess spoon.

"Oh, my Goddess! It'sFrance!" Akari yelled as she pointed to Law.

"Ohonhonhonhonhonhonhonhonhon," Law laughed like France, minus the stripping, perversion, pedophiliac tendencies, and the voice of J. Michael Tatum.

_Requiem for a dying song_  
><em>With a shimmy and a shank from a futile war<em>  
><em>And, the sun that lights the day<em>  
><em>Breaks the darkness and the powers of another great shame<em>

_With you, my love, with you, my love_  
><em>With you, I will return<em>  
><em>And, requiem for a dying song<em>

"So, are we going to beat up Akainu for tazing Ace again?" Conis asked Heathcliffe and Law.

"No! Let's go read to the zombies!" Perona cried.

"No, Miss Perona. Everytime you go and read to the zombies, you always insist on reading smutty Junjo Romantica, Ouran, Hetalia, and Durarara fanfiction. Last time we did that, Mr. Heathcliffe ended up almost getting cataracts. Cataracts in a seventeen-year old is not normal, Miss Perona," Law explained.

_Got a barrel by the face should the order release_  
><em>Shove the bullet in your pocket, turn away and retreat<em>  
><em>See the terror in the eye of a bloodshot child<em>  
><em>Only bubble in his belly and the promise of lies<em>  
><em>Operation: Liberation, tell me, you can decide<em>

_Talk, don't talk, if you've nothing to say_  
><em>Walk, don't walk, if your feet don't know the way<em>

"Hey, where is that Irish-sounding music coming from?" Law asked everyone as they looked outside in search of Double Rainbows or Yukko from xxxHOLiC/Tsubasa Chronicle.

"Last I checked, we left Molly with Karin at Karin's second job at Hooters," Heathcliffe explained.

"Pfft… Hooters. What's the worst that could happen?" Marco asked everyone.

"Horohorohorohoro!" Perona laughed. Then, Holden, Kartik, Matsu, and Yuki-Rin entered the room.

"HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH YOUR MOM!" Holden yelled in all-caps. Everyone began crying anime style because I said so.

"I so called this," Tashigi said from the nearest Marine base's Jamba Juice.

"Tashigi, did you set the pool on fire?" Jango asked off-screen, since we haven't gotten any action with the Michael Jackson impersonator yet.

"SHUT UP, JANGO! THE BAGELS DID IT!" Tashigi yelled. Back with Ace, he was delivering Girl Scout cookies to Austria from Hetalia. Lenalee from D. Gray-man sat on his lap.

"Alright, Roderich the Shmexy Pimp, you – Is this girl even legal?" Ace askedAustria.

"She's my sister, but, we're not related by blood,"Austria explained. Ace then got pissed.

"Dude! This isn't freaking Kuroshitsuji!" Ace yelled before he threw a vending machine atAustria.

"Dude! This isn't freaking Durarara!"Austriayelled back.

"Dudes! This isn't freaking Ultimate Fighter Championship!" Lenalee yelled. A dark and disturbing silence fell upon them.

"I wanna go back to the Hyperion," Holden said.

"SHUT UP, HOLDEN!" Lenalee, Austria, and Ace yelled. A few minutes later, Ace was delivering cookies to Chopper.

"I'm sorry, but… You don't look legal," Ace said as he looked down to Chopper.

"You fucking bastard! Bridget Regan doesn't even play her fiddle with that shitty mouth! You should fucking die and go to Hell!" Chopper yelled before dancing the Caramelldansen. A few minutes later, Ace arrived at the Hyperion.

"Uhh… Do I know you?" Ace asked the suit-clad man in front of him.

"I'm the blacksmith of the Capricorn Pirates, bitch," Blaise stated.

"You mean you're not Kartik?" Ace cried.

"Kartik went with Matsu to the spa. I wish I joined them, but, I have to take Daisuke to the park," Blaise explained.

"Make me a sandwich, woman!" Rubio yelled from inside the ship.

"Shut the pants zipper!" Blaise yelled back. Ace sighed.

"This career path isn't right for me," Ace said before he stripped off his Girl Scouts uniform. Somebody wolf-whistled in the background.

"Put some clothes on!" Fai from Tsubasa Chronicle yelled off-screen.

"Who are you, again? Are you a cop? If you are, you have to tell me," Ace said. Back on the Moby Dick…

"Dude, what just happened?" Heathcliffe asked Law.

"I dunno. Say, do you want to throw rocks off of a freeway overpass?" Law asked Heathcliffe.

"Do I ever! Can I bring Aki?" Heathcliffe asked Law.

"If you bring Kevjuma the Heterosexual Bear Wrestler," Law answered. And, Aki and Heathcliffe went on a romantic date where Law taught them how to throw rocks from freeway overpasses.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Hatori, Kazuma, Daisuke, and Gareth are seen sitting in one of the rooms of the Hyperion. In the background, Sebastian and Rubio are fighting over... Pants.

**Hatori: "We would like to dedicate this chapter to the memory of Amy Winehouse."**

**Kazuma: "Amy Winehoue died on Saturday, and the authoress has been saddened by her passing. Heck, she even shed a tear while writing this dedication."**

**Daisuke: "We're pretty sure she died because she is a Winehouse."**

**Gareth: "Shut up, Daisuke. Anyway, the authoress thought her song "Rehab" was good."**

**Daisuke: "She also thought Amy Winehouse was a big influence in the indie music scene."**

**Kazuma: "I have a question; Why didn't the authoress do this when that one member of Cali Swag District died?"**

**Hatori: "One, the authoress absolutely hates rap. Two, the authoress absolutely hates the song "Teach me How to Doughie". And, three, she thinks Cali Swag District gives a bad name to her home state."**

**Kazuma: "Got it! Anyway, review if you want to see such treason like Dadan competing against Aki in a beauty pageant, Kidd singing a song about the wonders of pencils, and the CP9 shopping for a man purse for Spandam."**

**Daisuke: "Tee-hee! You said "man purse"!"**


	17. Perona and Ajax

**Author's Note: **There's nothing going on on this site today, so I posted this new chapter. You're welcome.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, Repo! The Genetic Opera, or any characters cosplayed as in this chapter.**

* * *

><p>Our tragic love story began one day on Thriller Bark.<p>

"Moria-sama, can we go feed pigeons?" Perona asked Moria from his closed door.

"Shut up! I'm watching porn!" Moria yelled from his room. Perona then decided to ask Dr. Hogback.

"Not now, Perona. I have to become the _Night Surgeon_," Dr. Hogback said.

"Are you going to be _At the Opera Tonight_?" Perona asked Dr. Hogback.

"Yep. Want to know why?" Dr. Hogback asked Perona.

"Is it because of _Things You See in a Graveyard_? Or is it because I'm _Seventeen_?" Perona asked Dr. Hogback.

"Nope. I believe that _Happiness is Not a Warm Scapel_," Dr. Hogback explained. Perona laughed.

"That's funny, considering that it came from a _Legal Assassin_," Perona commented. Dr. Hogback then grabbed his fishnets, a water faucet, and a lightbulb.

"I'll be off, Perona. _You're free to Chase the Morning_ if you want. Or, you can _Come Up and Try my New Parts_," Dr. Hogback said before flying away.

"Get me some _Lungs and Livers_ while you're out! Oh, and get Zoro _A Dump Truck Home_!" Perona called out to Dr. Hogback. Zoro enetered the room holding a box of pizza.

"Oi, _Who Ordered Pizza_?" Zoro asked Perona before Bonney appeared and stole it.

"_We Started This Op'ra Shit_, you know!" Bonney yelled before she took her pizza and left on a levitating surfboard. A few minutes later, Perona and Mihawk were taking a stroll through the park.

"Wanna take a _Limo Ride_ after this?" Perona asked Mihawk.

"Enough with all of the Repo! The Genetic Opera refrences!" Mihawk yelled into the camera.

"It's a _Thankless Job_, but, it had to be done," Zeff explained.

"Homosexual mountain!" Mihawk yelled.

"Them's fighting words, buddy!" Zeff said as he grabbed the cue card guy and used him as a weapon. Mihawk leaned over to read his next line.

"'You furniture bush'? Who the hell writes this stuff?" Mihawk asked the cue card guy.

"I do. I was drunk when it happened, so, yeah," The cue card guy said. Mihawk looked around.

"Oh, For the Love of Ray J! I lost Perona, again! I hope she's not trying to create ANOTHER bund!" Mihawk cried.

"Just like the one in Shanghai," Chaka pointed out.

"Shut up. You're not needed," Mihawk told Chaka. A few minutes later, Mihawk arrived at 7-11, where the Capricorn Pirates were sitting at a table in the middle of the store.

"Get to know the place we're from. We're from Halifax," Shiliew sang to the Capricorn Pirates. Aki then hit Shiliew with Usopp's kabuto.

"The ORIGINAL Aunt Jemima?" Mikuri cried. The store grew silent. Then, Perona entered while humming the "Oh No, You Didn't" song. Perona was carrying a pigeon.

"Hey, that song sounds familiar," Gareth pointed out.

"Because nobody likes roasted nuts, stupid!" The rest of the Capricorn Pirates yelled.

"One, two, what it do?" Perona greeted the Capricorn Pirates.

"I feel dissed right now, dissed right now, dissed right now," Blaise sung to the tune of the B.O.B. song "Airplanes".

"Hey, guys, meet my boyfriend, Ajax!" Perona said as she motioned to the pigeon in her hands.

"Coo coo,"Ajax cooed.

"Awww! It's so freaking kawaii! I wanna take it home!" Yuki-Rin cried. She was cosplaying as Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji.

"_When did this turn into a Shoujo anime_?" Kazuma thought to himself.

"_It's because Yuki-Rin is cosplaying as Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji_," Hatori telepathically told him.

"Perona, are you on crack cocaine? That's a pigeon, not a boy," Mihawk pointed out.

"Plus, why do you have a pigeon named after a cleaning product?" Sebastian asked Perona.

"Shut up! Ajax isn't trashy like Soulja Boy!" Perona cried.

"Awesome! You are my new BFF because you hate Soulja Boy!" Yuki-Rin said to Perona.

"Oh, my Moria! Is that a Sebastian Michaelis cosplay?" Perona asked Yuki-Rin.

"Hell yeah! Team Ciel, for the win!" Yuki-Rin answered.

"Coo!"Ajax cooed in agreement as he saluted Kartik for no reason.

"Rob Lucci?" Kartik cried.

"Because we find ourselves in the same old mess singing drunken lullabies!" Yuki-Rin yelled, quoting her favorite song in the world. She was now cosplaying as Edward Elric.

"Back in the U.S.S.R.!" Hana sang. Russia from Hetalia then appeared.

"Become one with me, da?" Russia asked everyone.

"I likeTaiwan better!" Aki cried.

"Sweden, Denmark, and America are awesome!" Yuki-Rin said.

"Austriais so cultured, like me," Kartik said.

"I love England!" Isabella said.

"Canada's so moé!" Hana made funny sounds with his mouth.

"Fangirls,"Russia commented.

"I'll become one with you, Russia!" Daisuke said. Then, Japan appeared.

"Go to Herr," Japan said before he disappeared with Russia.

"What the hell? Kiku just dissed us!" Perona cried.

"Coo coo,"Ajax cooed sadly.

"_Fool tried to diss me, now you're gonna wish you weren't dead_!" Daisuke sung to the spot where Russia stood.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" Everyone but Ajax sang, since he is one hell of a pigeon.

"_After I deliver, your_ –" Wolfgang sung before Yuki-Rin cut him off.

"Wolfgang, we're not drinking milk," Yuki-Rin pointed out. She was now cosplaying as Yukina from Night Raid 1931, a.k.a., Senkou no Night Raid, a.k.a., "That Hipster Anime the Authoress Likes", a.k.a., "The Anime That Opens to MUCC's "Yakusoku"", a.k.a., "Greg Ayres is so F***ing Awesome in that Anime".

"Ajax is!" Wolfgang cried as he pointed to Ajax, who was drinking from a milk carton with a straw.

"Your pigeon can do that?" Hana asked Perona.

"Yeah! Ajax is winning, duh!" Perona said.

"I'm not impressed," Hana stated.

"OMG! A Charlie Sheen refrence!" Aria cried.

"Epic winning!" Yuki-Rin said. She was now cosplaying as Tsuruya/Churuya from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

"Hey, Yuki-Rin, can I have smoked cheese?" Kazuma asked Yuki-Rin.

"You ate all of it," Yuki-Rin answered. She was now cosplaying as Gintoki from Gintama.

"Nyoron~," Kazuma said.

"Coo! Coo! Coo!"Ajax cooed.

"What is it, Ajax? Has Dr. Kureha fallen and can't get up?" Perona asked Ajax, who flew away.

"No! Come back, Ajax!" Perona yelled as she ran out of the 7-11. Z.G. threw a can of Ajax at Perona to see if she'd get the message.

"Wasn't Ajax named after a Shakespeare character?" Thierry asked everyone. Surpisingly, he was drinking milk and not booze.

"Of course," Kartik said before he gave a lot of Shakespeare books to Mihawk.

"Give these to the young lady who ran after her pigeon," Kartik explained. He was now cosplaying as Masao from Shin-Chan.

"Are you a cop? If you are, you have to tell me," Mihawk said.

"She is," Kartik said as he pointed to Yuki-Rin, who was now cosplaying as Lelouch.

"Pizza Hut supports the rebellion! I now ship NinaxThe Table!" Yuki-Rin yelled as her cosplay changed from Lelouch to Yukio from Blue Exorcist. Kazuma facepalmed.

"All this makes me want to go to Otakon now," Kazuma commented. He was now cosplaying as Mitsunari from Sengoku Basara because I said so.

"Yeah, well, 99 problems, but, a bitch ain't one," Heathcliffe commented. He was cosplaying as Tyki Mikk from D. Gray-man while Aki cosplayed as Tsubaki from Soul Eater. Holden and Soren were cosplaying as Gajeel from Fairy Tail and Switch from Sket Dance, respectively.

"I thought Yulia got banned from Otakon for re-enacting Charlie the Unicorn II," Daisuke commented. He was cosplaying as Konata from Lucky Star.

"Shut up, Daisuke!" Yulia yelled. She was cosplaying as Chrome Dokuro from Katekyo Hitman Reborn.

"Guys, what's with the sudden cosplaying?" Hana asked everyone. She was cosplaying as Sanya V. Litvak from Strike Witches.

"I dunno, but, it's awesome!" Sadie – who was cosplaying as Erika Karisawa from Durarara – commented as she re-enacted the 2007 World Series WITH HER HANDS. Mihawk sighed.

"I really need to see a dentist," Mihawk said before he picked up his sword and walked into the snowy night. Up ahead, Perona and Ajax were staring down Lucci and Hattori.

"_O Vreneli, my pretty one, pray tell me, where's your home_?" Lucci sang.

"_My home is Switzerland, 'tis made of wood and stone!_  
><em>It's filled with oh so many beautiful lakes and springs<em>!" Perona sang. But, Hattori cut the two off before the yodeling began.

"Bitch, shut up and get me a Diet Coke!" Hattori yelled before he and Ajax flew away. Perona began to cry.

"Ajax! Come back! I thought what we had was special!" Perona sobbed. Lucci sighed before he walked a few feet to join the rest of the CP9 outside of a burning house. Back inside 7-11…

"Guys, where did Ajax go?" Yuki-Rin asked her crew.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>"Yakusoku" is a great song. It's on my iPod.

**Anway, review if you want to see Dr. Kureha use Life Alert, a day in the life of Iceburg, or if you want to see Crocodile flee to Mexico because he burned down Kidd's house with a kitchen sponge.**


	18. Greed, One Piece Style!

**Author's Note: **This chapter is based off of the game show "Greed". The rules of "Greed" - which I will spare you from telling since they will take too long - will be changed around to make this chapter more crackier.

**Disclaimer: Today's disclaimer is in iambic pentameter. (Which I completely suck at)**

**The ye olde bard owns neither One Piece nor Greed.  
>She pens the homespun fables of comedy for comedic purposes.<br>Now enjoy the show.**

* * *

><p>Various shots of the Grand Line – including Enies Lobby, Water Seven, Alabasta, Sabaody Archipalego, and Dr. Kureha's bedroom – were seen on the T.V. screen.<p>

"It's time for my spongebath, sexy boy!" Dr. Kureha announced. For the benefit of your sanity and your eyes, Dr. Kureha has been pixilated out.

"Dear God, my eyes!" A camerman cried.

"Live, from some place, it's: Greed," The announcer said before we cut to a stage set up for the game show.

"Now, here's your host…" The announcer said before the host's chair turned around, revealing Tamama from Sgt. Frog.

"Me! Tamama, the cutest thing ever! I mean, Chopper can go to Hell!" Tamama said before he got attacked by Chopper. We cut to a test screen of Snape killing Dumbledore. The words, "Spoiler alert: Snape kills Dumbledore" scrolled along the top of the screen as elevator music played in the background.

"Please stand by. Remember, when watching this show, please watch T.V. from a couple of feet away and make sure the room is well-lit. Please turn off all cell phones, or pedo!Kizaru will find you," Sabo reminded everyone. We cut back to the game show set, where Kaoru has replaced Tamama.

"Welcome to Greed, One Piece Style! I'm your host, Kaoru Kimura!" Kaoru introduced himself. The female demographic of this fanfic cheered, since who doesn't love a silver-haired, Bishounen vampire who dresses like it's the Victorian Era?

"Now, let's introduce the six contestants, since we are seriously not spending three hours to explain this show!" Kaoru said. The camera panned to Nami, who was trying to look sexy so people would give her money and mikans out of pity if she lost.

"Nami," Nami introduced herself. The camera panned to Apis, who was reading the Gintama manga.

"Apis," Apis introduced herself. The camera panned to Karin, who was hugging a large Kartik plushie.

"Karin," Karin introduced herself. The camera panned to Crocodile, who was on his cell phone.

"What the fuck do you mean by 'Sasuke Uchiha took your place on Celebrity Rehab'? I – Crocodile," Crocodile yelled into his phone before introducing himself. The camera panned to Hawkins, who was brushing his pwetty, pwetty hair.

"Hawkins," Hawkins introduced himself. The camera then panned to an empty seat.

"I am not doing this!"

"You're doing it, since you signed a contract!"

"I can always burn the contract."

"If you do, pedo!Kizaru will look for you as the Bed Intruder Song plays on a loop in the background."

"*Sigh* Fine. At least I will win money or a new car."

The last person sat down at his seat. He was none other than… Kidd.

"Kidd," Kidd introduced himself.

"Perfect, let's play Greed!" Kaoru said. Then, the huge-ass T.V. screen behind him played the authoress' favorite couch gag on the Simpsons, which was the lip dub to Ke$ha's "Tik Tok". To this day, the authroress does not know why she loves that couch gag when she hates Ke$ha.

"Your first question for a dollar is this; What color is the sky?" Kaoru asked as the answers appeared on the T.V. screen.

**A.) Blue B.) Black**

**C.) Double Rainbow D.) Ecru**

Nami pressed a button that emitted a mooing sound.

"Yes, Nami, what is the answer?" Kaoru asked Nami.

"It's A," All six contestants said.

"Correct! Here is your five-dollar footlong!" Kaoru announced as he got out a Five-Dollar Footlong. Everyone sweadropped as a repo man took the sandwich.

"Okay, here is your five-dollar question: Why did McDonald's stop selling hot dogs?" Kaoru asked the contestants.

**A.) That's what she said B.) This is seriously a question?**

**C.) Did McDonald's even sell hot dogs? D.) Sasuke is a dobe!**

Karin then pressed the button.

"Can I phone a friend on this?" Karin asked Kaoru.

"Sure. Who are you calling?" Kaoru asked Karin.

"Kartik, duh!" Karin said. Then, Kaoru began dialing the number of the Hyperion.

"_Hello_?" Kartik asked. The sounds of water could be heard in the background.

"Kartik, I'm on national T.V.! Don't you see me and my lovely –" Karin asked before Kartik – who was previously moaning – cut her off.

"_I have to go, Karin, I –Matsu, that feels good! Don't stop_!" Kartik yelled before he hung up. Everyone on the set sweatdropped.

"I thought Kartik was supposed to be stuck-up or something," Nami commented.

"That man is shamless!" Paulie yelled from the audience. In the onsen inside the Hyperion…

"Man! All Matsu was doing was washing Kartik's hair! Gosh!" Kazuma said as he washed his own hair. Back at the Greed studio, the contestants got the following question:

What would a hipster say about this?

**A.) This is too mainstream B.) I'm enjoying this ironically**

**C.) This is an obscure thing you don't know about D.) I like pancakes and ducks**

Crocodile pressed his buzzer.

"That was easy," Crocodile's buzzer said.

"A hipster would say that this show is so mainstream, it's obscure, which means he would be enjoying it ironically," Crocodile explained. Everyone stated at Crocodile.

"Crocodile, is there something you're not telling us?" Kidd asked Crocodile, who put on his hipster glasses and hipster beret.

"You wouldn't know about it because it's so obscure," Crocodile stated as he began drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

"Uhh… Correct. Here is your $25 question: Who interrupted Taylor Swift at the MTV Music Awards?" Karou asked everyone.

**A.) The Pogues B.) Charlie Sheen**

**C.) Kanye, I'm really happy for you. I'mma let you finish, but, Flogging Molly had one of the best videos of all time! D.) Molly O'Flannigan and Jango the Hypnotist**

Hawkins pressed his button, which emitted the scents of French perfume, Chinese food, Disneyland, and eggshells.

"Kaoru, I'm really happy for you. I'mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time!" Hawkins told Kaoru.

"Uhh… Sorry, but, that is incorrect," Kaoru said. Then, a klaxon went off. Why? Because the word "klaxon" looks and sounds awesome.

"It's time for our final round! Anwser these questions and you will win money!" Kaoru announced.

"Yay! Money!" Apis cheered as she read the new book on "Broetry".

"Your final question is to finish this sentence: 'What I learned in boating school is…'." Karou said. Everyone began to write.

"Time's up! Kidd, please read us your sentence," Kaoru said.

"What I learned in boating school is that you should be a sparkly vampire since you dress the part, you jackass!" Kidd read off his paper. Everyone gasped, since suggesting that Kaoru (or Mina or the cast of Vampire Knight) should be a sparkly vampire is a major insult. Kaoru blew a whistle.

"Security!" Kaoru yelled. Then, a bunch of people cosplaying asCrossAcademy's night class from Vampire Knight carried Kidd off.

"Hawkins, what did you learn in boating school?" Kaoru asked the pwetty Supernova.

"What I learned in boating school is how really, really, really ridiculously good-looking I am," Hawkins stated.

"Crocodile, what did you learn?" Kaoru asked Crocodile.

"What I learned in boating school is that Sasuke Uchiha is a dobe," Crocodile stated.

"Karin, what did you learn in boating school?" Kaoru asked Karin.

"What I learned in boating school is that Matsu Takeshima is a homewrecker and I should've been washing Kartik's hair in the onsen! I love you, Kartik!" Karin cried. From the audience…

"I don't think Kartik is watching this," Iceburg stated to Paulie.

"Nami, what did you learn in boating school?" Kaoru asked Nami.

"What I learned in boating school is that you're all desperate," Nami stated before she walked off with a punching bad.

"Well, Apis, what did you learn in school?" Kaoru asked the filler character who is somehow getting more attention than a certain man with long earlobes and a HUGE God complex. (1)

"What I learned in boating school is that the word 'klaxon' is fun to say," Apis stated. Money then rained down on Apis.

"Congratulations, underaged kid, you win money!" Kaoru announced.

"What? Give me the money so I can take Kartik to fancy dinners and buy him books and stuff!" Karin cried before Bepo – who was dressed as a nurse – put a chloroform-soaked rage over her mouth and carried her away.

"So, Apis, what are you going to buy with this money?" Kaoru asked the underaged kid.

"Hmm… Ice cream!" Apis answered.

"What the –" Crocodile said before we cut to a black screen.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Nami's right, all of the contestants were pretty desperate. XD

**(1) - Guess the character. It's really obvious as to who this person is. If you win, you get... Bragging rights. XD**

**Review if you want to see more treason such as Kidd and Killer re-enacting the movie "Titanic", Lola working as a geisha, Ace and Luffy singing a song from Spongebob, or Bepo having an allergic reaction to Law's natural hotness.**


	19. Merry Super CPCapricorn Hat Xmas!

**Author's Note: **Happy not-Christmas, everyone!

By the way, the character in the guessing game last chapter was Eneru (Enel).

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or the songs "Sexyback", "I'll Make a Man Out of You", or "Flannigan's Ball".**

* * *

><p>It started one day in July as Ace was cleaning an empty Moby Dick.<p>

"It's a good thing I sent pops and the others to that beer pong tournament at the World's Largest Nintendo DS Charger," Ace said to himself as he finished laying out all of the snacks for the Christmas party he was going to throw.

"Ace, we're here!"

Ace's face turned to joy as he saw Luffy and Sabo enter the room. Then, it turned into disgust when he saw the other Straw Hats, Vivi, the Supernovas, the Capricorns, and the CP9.

"Luffy, what are they doing here?" Ace asked his brother.

"Oh, Hatchi bribed them with money so they could gather somewhere and get along without throwing any vending machines," Luffy explained. In a certain city called "Ikebukuro", a certain bartender sneezed. Back on board the Moby Dick, everyone was sitting in a circle. Why? Because I said so and, if they didn't, they would get a lawsuit.

"This sucks, I want to shoot some pool," Blueno stated.

"I want to swim in a pool," Vivi stated.

"I want to go to the beach. I want to fish," Zoro stated. Everyone looked at Zoro as if he saw Flying Mint Bunny.

"What?" Zoro asked everyone.

"You're saying nonsense," Lucci said before he ate a plastic bag. It tasted like Blueno's socks.

"Now, let's get down to business," Spandam announced.

"_To defeat the huns_!" Bonney sang.

"_Did they send me sons when I asked for daughters_?" Sabo sang.

"_Six long months I spent in Quincy. Six long months doing nothing at all. Six long months I spent in Quincy learning to dance for Flannigan's ball. I stepped down and I stepped in again. I stepped down and I stepped in again. I stepped down and I stepped in again learning to dance for Flannigan's ball_," Yuki-Rin sang.

"Hey! That's not a Disney song!" Bonney cried.

"I couldn't remember the next line, so I sang a song by Dropkick Murphys," Yuki-Rin explained. Everyone grew silent.

"Let's play Duck Duck Goose," Spandam suggested.

"No," Kalifa said as she crossed her arms to make an X, which is a refrence to Nyoron, Churuya-san!

"Why? I'm the Duck Duck Goose champion," Spandam asked Kalifa.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa said.

"How is Duck Duck Goose sexual harassment?" Sabo asked Kalifa sadly.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa said to Sabo.

"Kalifa, stop being a whiny bitch and play!" Blueno yelled.

"Yeah, Kalifa! Plus, you're gonna cut into deviled eggs time!" Ace as he motioned to hard-boiled eggs that haven't been deviled yet.

"I'll go first!" Kaku volunteered. Lucci sighed.

"Somebody take me out of here," Lucci pleaded.

"Get thee to the Apple store!" Hattori yelled.

"Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck…" Kaku said as he ran around and touched the heads of various pirates, CP9 members, and Supernovas. An hour later…

"Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck –" Kaku said before Kidd cut him off.

"Say 'goose' already, you Tristian Timothy Taylor wannabe!" Kidd yelled. Kaku then beat Kidd upside the head with a lawn chair.

"Jingle jingle!" Crocodile announced as he entered the room. Everyone grew silent.

"_I'm bringing sexy back_!" Sanji announced.

"_Yeah_," Heathcliffe agreed.

"_Them other boys don't know how to act_," Sanji sang.

"_Yeah_," Heathcliffe sang.

"_I think your special whats behind your back_," Sanji sang.

"_Yeah_," Heathcliffe sang.

"_So, turn around, and I'll pick up the slack_," Sanji sang.

"_Take 'em to the bridge_!" Kartik and Hawkins sang.

"_Pretty babe, you see the shackles? Baby, I'm your slave. I'll let you whip me if I_ –" Sanji sang before Crocodile cut him off.

"I brought guests, potato salad, Spyro: Year of the Dragon, and a Jell-o mold," Crocodile said before Mihawk and Doflamingo entered.

"How," Mihawk greeted. Then, everyone sat down to feast on KFC, Taco Bell, and Domino's Pizza.

"This food looks strangely familiar," Bepo commented.

"Don't think too much about it and go watch Inception," Law sternly warned the bear.

"Dear Roderich Edelstein, or as our brothers in Snoop Dogg's mansion call you, "Big Pimping", we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family - My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Kartik Elizabeth Ethel Cordelia Middleford-Abingdon, and Kazuma Akio Fukurou Miyafuji, or "the sexy swordsman who became Yuki-Rin's bitch", as we call him. And, of course my red-hot smoking girlfriend, Jewelry Bonney, who is a stone-cold fox, who –" Law recited before Ace began to gag and cough loudly. Might we add that he was sitting between Bepo and giraffe!Kaku?

"Okay, what the hell is going on here?" Law asked everyone as he closed his Dragon Ball manga. Ace then sneezed all over the mashed potatoes, burritos, and garlic breadsticks fifteen times.

"Help! I'm drowning!" Ace cried. Then, the scene repeated in slow-motion.

"Help! I'm drowning!" Ace cried in slow-motion. Then, the speed went back to normal.

"Crikey!" Blaise cried in an Australian accent.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Spandam cried.

"Milk and eggs, bitch!" Yuki-Rin cried.

"That day, all female officers will be required to wear TINY MINISKIRTS!" Nami cried.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" Bepo sang.

"Holy [bleep] on a [bleep] sandwich!" Kaku cried.

"Dondake!" Shinpachi from Gintama cried.

"Brooklyn Rage!" Lucci cried.

"Ordinary humans don't intrest me!" Bonney cried.

"Izaya-kun!" Urouge cried.

"_Holy fucking shit,_  
><em>It's a dinosaur!<em>  
><em>Jesus Christ! What the fuck?<em>  
><em>Oh, my fucking God!<em>  
><em>Fucking dinosaurs!<em>  
><em>Holy shit!<em>  
><em>What the fu-uu-uuck<em>?" Sabo sang. He won a Latin Grammy for that performance.

"Help me," Ace gagged before he threw up in Lucci's hat.

"Hey! I can sue you for that!" Lucci cried.

"Somebody, get a doctor!" Chopper ordered to everyone.

"Bitch, you are a doctor," Everyone else said.

"I'll handle this," Law said before he dragged Ace to his bedroom while the theme from House played in the background.

"Let's go watch!" Usopp said before he, Soren, Holden, Sanji, and Vivi got up and left to see Law operate on Ace. Nami sighed.

"This party has gone to the fishes," Nami commented.

"LUFFY-SAMA!"

Hancock then crashed through the ceiling and onto Karin.

"Oh, my God! Karin's going through a sexy phase!" Daisuke commented. Karin and Hancock then grabbed onto Kartik and Luffy.

"You call this a sexy phase?" Karin asked Daisuke.

"Shut up, Bossypants!" Wolfgang yelled. Nami just sighed.

"Come on, guys, we're leaving," Nami said.

"I agree. Plus, Cheerleader Nation is going to be on soon," Zoro said before everyone left. Ace and Law came out of the room a few minutes later. Ace had a stuffed unicorn head sewn to his chest and Law was eating pocky.

"Hey! Where did everybody go?" Ace cried.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note<strong>: **Review if you want to see unseeable things like Lucci working at a geisha house, Sanji singing the Backing Up song, Crocodile throwing a tea party, and the Supernovas, Straw Hats, and the Capricorn Pirates in some type of fantasy RPG.**


	20. Bonney and Law Put Birds on Things

**Author's Note: **This chapter has been brought to you by the Portlandia skit "Put a Bird on It". Watching it is not reccommended, but, it makes the chapter more funny.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, Portlandia, Microsoft Sam, Farmville, "Ride on Shooting Star" from Fooly Cooly, Ireland and Scotland's rugby teams, or Jack in the Box.**

* * *

><p>"Hi, I'm Jewelry Bonney, and, today, I am going to put birds on things!" Bonney introduced herself to the non-existent studio audience.<p>

"What the awesome?" The guy on Bonney's crew that wears a shirt that says "Great Me" – we'll call him Gilbert Beilschmidt due to likenesses and what not – cried.

"Your shirt is looking a little bland, Gilbo. Let me put a bird on it!" Bonney said before she put a cutout of a bird onto Gilbert's shirt. Gilbert Beilschmidt (guy on Bonney's crew) then transformed into Gilbert Beilschmidt (A.K.A., Prussia from Hetalia).

"Awesome!" Prussia said before he disappeared while hugging a body pillow of Holland from Eureka Seven.

"Wait! I need to put a bird on that body pillow!" Bonney called out. After putting birds on various things on her ship (like the steering wheel, the fridge, and the flying pigs from Invader Zim), Bonney decided to go around the island and put birds on other things.

"Watanuki, Watanuki, born on April 1st!" Bonney chanted as she skipped down the street. She then noticed that the Capricorn Pirates were exiting the Hyperion. All of them (except for Yuki-Rin and Kazuma, who were cosplaying as Canada and a random member of the Shinsengumi that's NOT from Gintama) were wearing formal wear.

"Can I put a bird on your ship?" Bonney asked with a straight face.

"Google it," Yuki-Rin said. She sounded like Mikuru from Nyoron Churuya-san.

"Nice clothes. Going to re-enact St***g Wo**d?" Bonney asked everyone.

"No," Kazuma answered. He sounded like Microsoft Sam.

"We're going to go to the Franky Family's house for a Carl's Jr. tasting party," Yuki-Rin answered before they left. When they weren't looking, Bonney put a bird on the Hyperion.

"I saw that," Kyon from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya said.

"What do you know about putting birds on things?" Bonney asked Kyon.

"I know that it was a sketch from Portlandia and the people who put the birds on things have no lives or sex drives," Kyon droned before he got out a jetpack and flew away. Bonney then approached the Thousand Sunny.

"Please help me," The ghost of the Going Merry pleaded.

"Holy shit, a ghost! We're all going to die!" Bonney cried.

"Please help me… Balance my checkbook," The ghost of the Going Merry stated. Bonney facepalmed.

"I'm not going to help you with that! But, while I'm here, can I put a bird on something on your ship?" Bonney asked.

"Nipple lights!" timeskip!Franky yelled from the ship. Bonney sweatdropped.

"I thought this was supposed to be pre-timeskip," Bonney asked herself as she passed Mihawk's ship.

"Get off my lawn!" Mihawk yelled as he shot his non-existent gun at Bonney, who continued on by walking past Garp's ship, Buggy's ship, and Eneru, Dr. Hogback, Alvida, and Saldeath's fried chicken restaurant.

"My cattle went to go meet other cattle!" Eneru yelled from his restaurant. Then, Bonney arrived at the submarine of the Heart Pirates.

"But, Law, don't you want my Farmville gifts?" Jean Bart asked Law, who sighed.

"This is why we can't have nice things!" Law pointed out.

"What are you talking about?" Casquette asked Law.

"It's because of Mr. Jean Bart's Farmville addiction that I have to do Jury Duty! Thanks a lot, Farmville Addict-ya!" Law cried as he stomped toward Bonney.

"Can I put a bird on your bear?" Bonney asked Law while pointing to the anime polar bear that wasn't Kumajiro. Kumajiro – I mean, Bepo – then went over to his emo corner and got into a fetal position.

"I'm sorry I'm a bear. I want to be reborn as a stack of waffles," Bepo sadly explained.

"Can I put a bird on those waffles before I eat them?" Bonney asked Law.

"No, Miss Bonney. But, we can put birds on OTHER things," Law said with a sexy smirk. A few minutes later, the two were painting a bird in Hawkins' princess hair.

"Look, Law! I'm putting a bird in some dude's hair!" Bonney yelled joyfully. Hawkins army of little girls dressed as princess then took away Bonney's paint and brush.

"My pwetty, pwetty, princess hair!" Hawkins cried before he ran away with a board game sobbing.

"What an emo bitch," Law commented.

"This is why we can't have nice things," Bonney commented.

"Agreed," Law said as he waved a burrito in the air. Bonney grabbed the burrito and carved a bird into it.

"Here. Now you can eat it," Bonney said as she handed the burrito to Law.

"Awesome!" Law said. But, he threw the burrito away.

"Ow! My eyes!" Crocodile cried off-screen. Bonney and Law then jumped up in the air triumphantly.

"Put a Bird on It!" Bonney and Law shouted.

"_Ride on shooting star! Kokoro no koe de sandanjuu no you ni utaitsudzuketa_!" Capone sang. He was wearing a pink leotard that showed off much of his hairy chest. He had a beanie copter hat on his head. Bonney and Law then puked onto Jozu's shiny diamonds.

"Aw, hell nah!" Bonney cried.

"We out," Law said as he carried Bonney bridal-style away from Capone and Jozu. A few minutes later, Law and Bonney were walking up to the Franky Family's second house. They were now wearing rugby jerserys for Ireland's rugby team.

"I can't wait to seeIrelandtake onScotlandin this rugby match!" Bonney said.

"Our uniforms are incomplete," Law droned.

"What are you –" Bonney asked before Law slapped her stomach. A bird was now on her jersey and a bird appeared on Law's jersey.

"Oh! I get it now! You're such a ditz, Law!" Bonney said as they approached the house.

"_Kill me romantically. Fill my soul with vomit and ask me for a piece of gum. Bitter and dumb, you're my sugar plum. You're awful, I love you_," Law thought to himself as Buggy and his crew members that mattered exited the house. All four of them had black censor bars over their eyes. Law then put birds on the censor eyes.

"What the hell?" Buggy asked Law. Buggy's voice was altered to protect the innocent. Bonney and Law just shrugged and headed inside, where the Straw Hats and Capricorns were having the Carl's Jr. tasting party.

"It's time to put birds on things!" Bonney and Law announced.

"Aw, hell nah!" Everyone said. Then, various birds flew in and everyone screamed.

"I'm allergic! I'm allergic!" Franky yelled as he shot lasers. Bonney tried to defeat the birds with kung-fu as Law threw horseshoes at them.

"Who's your daddy?" Sanji yelled. "Diable Jambe!"

Then, the birds migrated to Jack in the Box, leaving behind feathers.

"All's well that ends well," Kazuma said.

"Oi, this isn't my house," Zoro said.

"Hey! Let's put a bird on there feathers!" Bonney suggested.

"Aw, hell nah!" Everyone else said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review to see more cracky stuff like the Supernovas infiltrating a make-out point, Baroque Works playing Nintendo Wii games, Wolfgang, Enlai, Zoro, and Sanji going RV-ing, and Sengoku becoming Nyan Cat.<strong>


	21. The Phantom of the Venetian Las Vegas

**Author's Note: **Wow! Three of my One Piece fanfics updated in one day? What a record!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, The Phantom of the Opera, The Hangover, or any songs used in this chapter.**

* * *

><p>It started one day as the Supernovas, the Shichibukai, the CP9, the Straw Hats, the Capricorns, Ace, Sabo, and Vivi arrived at the airport in Las Vegas.<p>

"Wash your hands," Sanji randomly reminded the viewers.

"I'm just a one-man wolfpack," Luffy stated.

"Where are we staying?" Chopper asked Nami.

"The Venetian. Some guy died and he's giving us some portion of the hotel to us," Nami explained.

"Is it pager-friendly?" Usopp asked Nami as he pulled out his pager. Nami grabbed Usopp's pager and threw it very hard.

"Ow! My balls!" Crocodile cried. And, everyone danced to the Flogging Molly song "The Seven Deadly Sins" for no reason. Then, Crocodile's clothes changed into a rapper's clothes. Molly was now cosplaying as Elizabeth from Gintama.

"_If you want to do it, do it now! Zura!_  
><em>If you want to do it, do it now! Zura!<em>  
><em>Joi is joy! Joi is joy!<em>  
><em>Now, here comes the hard part<em>," Crocodile rapped before Molly hit him with a sign that said "I liked Kagura's rap better".

"Wanker," Molly said under her breath as she began reading a pamphlet on tennis injuries. Zoro then woke up.

"Oh, my God! Kuina's pregnant!" Zoro yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"My ROTFLCopter goes 'Soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi soi'," Blackbeard proclaimed as he spun around like a helicopter.

"Will everybody shut up about Kim Kardashian's SECOND wedding already?" Law angrily asked everyone. And, so, a Rocky Horror moment began.

"Let's do the time warp again!" Everyone angrily shouted at Law. A few minutes later, after driving by some awesome buildings with awesome stuff inside, the pirates arrived at the Venetian.

"Welcome to the NHK!" Nami announced. Currently, the pirates were riding in a gondola that somehow fit all of them. Nobody spoke.

"I'm not amused," Blueno commented.

"Is this hotel pager-friendly?" Usopp asked everyone. Kalifa then grabbed Usopp's second pager and stomped on it.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa pointed out as she pointed to Usopp. A few minutes of aimless wandering later, the pirates arrived at their hotel suites.

"Alright, everyone, so we can prevent Sanji from becoming as horny as Master Roshi and so we can prevent Kalifa from turning into the Sexual Harassment Panda, the boys will take one suite and the girls will take another," Nami explained. Of course, this caused outrage.

"Sexist! Sexist!" Yuki-Rin yelled, quoting Yuffie from Final Fantasy: Advent Children.

"I'd rather have the Sexual Harassment Panda!" Sanji sobbed.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa stated before Fukurou pushed all of the guys into the suite on the left. He ended up on Weeaboo Stories because of it.

"Chapapapapapapapa!" Fukurou laughed. Over in the girl's suite…

"Oh, my God! Let's, like, totally have a sleepover!" Nami suggested. She sounded like her 4kids variant.

"Yeah! And, we can, like, totally give each other makeovers!" Aki agreed. Yuki-Rin and Molly got up.

"That's nice and all, but, we're outta here," Yuki-Rin said.

"We heard a phantom of the Phantom of the Opera is here," Molly added.

"Inside my mind," Matsu added. Everyone grew silent, because, if they didn't, Kalifa was going to say that it was sexual harassment.

"Have fun," Nami said. When the two were gone, things got out of control.

"There's a phantom here?" Vivi cried.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa stated as she filed her nails with a pineapple. Vivi then shot fire from her mouth because the plot called for it. Nami sighed.

"We need to buy a bus," Nami stated. Over in the sexy bishouen – I mean, men's – suite…

"_And, we're the three best friends that anyone can have! We're the three best friends that anyone can have! We're the three best friends that anyone can have_!" All of the blonde-haired pirates – Sanji, Sabo, Hawkins, Killer, Doflamingo, Kazuma, Soren, Dewey, and Wolfgang – sang.

"Good! Now, the black-haired people!" Law said.

"_And, we're the three best friends that anyone can have! We're the three best friends that anyone can have! We're the three best friends that anyone can have_!" All of the black-haired pirates – Luffy, Usopp, Brook, Ace, Law, Capone, Urouge, Crocodile, Blackbeard, Jinbei, Kuma, Mihawk, Heathcliffe, Holden, Lucci, Jyabura, and Blueno – sang.

"Excellent! Now, the ging – I mean, red-heads like that bastard Kidd – I mean, Shanks!" Law said. Kidd gave him a death glare.

"You are so dead. TWICE," Kidd told Law. Nami then entered. She was holding a plastic baby.

"Whose baby is this?" Nami asked everyone. Nobody spoke, because they didn't know of the possible M-preg stuff that may have went on in the past. Thankfully, the M-preg didn't happen and the authoress of this fic isn't going to get sued.

"Hell yeah! Bonney's gonna live!" Blackbeard cheered as the other girls entered.

"That's sexual harassment," Hattori, NOT Kalifa, stated.

"Anyway, we have received word that a phantom is haunting this hotel," Nami explained. Everyone pointed to Isabella.

"Wasn't me," Isabella answered.

"Anyway, if we gave you a frosted tea cake, you're going to search for the phantom whether you like it or not," Nami explained. And, everyone checked inside the manilla envelopes they got for their tea cakes.

"Hell yeah! I got Twinkies!" Yuki-Rin yelled as she pulled out a packet of Twinkies.

"I got soy and miso-flavored cookies," Hawkins said as he pulled out a packet of miso and soy-flavored cookies.

"I got Limon 7," Hana said sadly as she pulled out a packet of lemon-flavored sugar powder.

"Haagen Daas!" Sanji, Robin, Kartik, Matsu, Ace, Sabo, Kidd, Killer, Law, and Bonney yelled, since they were the ones who got the tea cakes.

"Go fourth and get me a latté!" Nami ordered to the tea cake holders, who skipped out of the room.

"_High school girls. High school girls. One, two, three, high school girls_!" Killer sang as he skipped down the hall. Back in the suite, Luffy was crying, because Sabo and Ace were going into battle and they may die. (Not true, but, Luffy DID get left behind)

"Will you buy me a shotgun, Blaise?" Luffy asked Blaise.

"Sorry, I'm broke," Blaise answered. Inside the girls' suite…

"Nami-ya! You never told me Mr. Kidd would be here!" Law yelled.

"Not my fault that Kazuma got the anpan," Nami said as she handed bags to Sanji, Kartik, Matsu, and Robin.

"And what is this?" Sanji asked Nami.

"Your costumes! You're going to be shark bait for the phantom!" Nami cheerfully pointed out.

"Hoo-hah!" Bonney and Law shouted. Everyone else just looked at them.

"What? My life is average!" Bonney stated.

"Me too. Plus, tigers love pepper," Law explained. A few minutes later, Kartik, Matsu, Sanji, and Robin were now dressed in the clothes that were in the bags Nami gave them. Sanji and Robin were dressed in their Strong World formal clothes while Kartik and Matsu were dressed as characters from Phantom of the Opera.

"Perfect!" Nami said. Law just facepalmed.

"I thought we were re-creating The Hangover!" Law cried.

"Go form your own wolfpack!" Bonney yelled. Law smiled.

"I'm just a one-man wolfpack," Law stated as they entered the elevator and pressed the buttons. Everyone was silent.

"So… Did anybody see the new episode of Portlandia?" Sabo asked everyone.

"I don't get Anime Network on my ship," Kidd answered before they exited the elevator while badass music played in the background.

"Excuse me, Christine, can I have your autograph?" A boy named Shinji Ikari asked Matsu. Sanji punched him in the face.

"Hands off of my Matsu-swan," Sanji told Shinji before the so-called "wolfpack" traveled to the gondolas.

"You guys ready?" Nami asked the wolfpack as they boarded the gondola.

"I'm ready to kill the phantom and leave because of Trafalgar," Kidd stated before Sabo and Ace began to row.

"_In sleep he sang to me. In dreams he came to me_," Matsu sang.

"_Well, we're living in Trafalgar Town, and he's driven our lives into the ground_," Kidd sang. Nobody laughed.

"It's only funny if you've seen The Hangover," Killer stated. A few minutes later, they arrived at the theater.

"_What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze_?" Killer sang. Then, the Phantom of the Opera appeared.

"Matsu, don't make-out with this man, or problems will ensue!" Kartik advised Matsu.

"Do they involve Mike Tyson?" Law asked Kartik, who facepalmed.

"Enough with these Hangover refrences!" Kartik yelled.

"Matsu, remove the mask," Robin the mask the phantom was wearing, and gasped.

"No… It can't be!" Matsu cried.

_We're no strangers to love_  
><em>You know the rules, and so do I<em>  
><em>A full commitment's what I'm thinking of<em>  
><em>You wouldn't get this from any other guy<em>  
><em>I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling<em>  
><em>Gotta make you understand<em>

"Hell no! It can't be Rick Astley!" Sanji cried.

"HE is the Phantom?" Nami cried.

_Never gonna give you up_  
><em>Never gonna let you down<em>  
><em>Never gonna run around and desert you<em>  
><em>Never gonna make you cry<em>  
><em>Never gonna say goodbye<em>  
><em>Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you<em>

Law began to cry as he banged his fists on the floor.

"All of this and we don't even fight Mike Tyson?" Law cried. Robin's face turned to horror.

"No. Just no," Robin stated.

_We've known each other for so long_  
><em>Your heart's been aching but<em>  
><em>You're too shy to say it<em>  
><em>Inside we both know what's been going on<em>  
><em>We know the game and we're gonna play it<em>  
><em>And if you ask me how I'm feeling<em>  
><em>Don't tell me you're too blind to see<em>

"What. The. Fuck?" Kidd asked Killer.

"We've been Rick-Rolled," Killer stated.

_Never gonna give you up_  
><em>Never gonna let you down<em>  
><em>Never gonna run around and desert you<em>  
><em>Never gonna make you cry<em>  
><em>Never gonna say goodbye<em>  
><em>Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you<em>

"I thought somebody was going to give me a mecha!" Bonney cried before the wolfpack – even Kidd and Killer - broke down crying. The next day, the rest of the pirates were picking up the wolfpack from the police station.

"I wouldn't expect Kartik and Matsu to get arrested," Hana commented. Smoker – the cop, since we need a cameo from Smoky-Smoke – chuckled.

"No. These people volunteered to teach kids how to use a taser correctly," Smoker explained as he handed Nami a taser. Nami then tazed Sanji in the crotch.

"Gahhhhhhhhhh! What the hell?" Sanji cried before he fainted. Nami then tazed Ace just for the hell of it. Hana turned to Yuki-Rin.

"Let's go back to the ship and never speak of this again," Hana explained.

"Ditto," Yuki-Rin agreed.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>You've been Rick-Rolled!

**Review if you want to see Daisuke submit videos to Grand Line's Funniest Home Videos, Crocodile and Dolfamingo hitting each other with videotapes, and Capone dressing in leiderhosen.**


	22. Never Say Never Say Never

**Author's Note: **Yes, I had to do a parody of Phantom of the Opera's sequel, "Love Never Dies". Sadly, there are no Hangover refrences in this chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, The Phantom of the Opera, Love Never Dies, Lady GaGa's "The Edge of Glory", Chris Crocker, or many other things in this chapter.**

* * *

><p>"No! I don't wanna go!" Nami sobbed. Currently, Sanji and Robin were trying to drag her somewhere as Nami clung onto her mikan trees on the Sunny.<p>

"Holy crap! I can see Nami-swan's panties!" Sanji shouted. Robin just gave him a dirty look that said "OMG, Deidara's better".

"Where are you guys taking Nami?" Luffy asked Sanji and Robin as he tried to get Chopper out of a crane game machine.

"Somewhere for the long weekend," Sanji said as Robin used her Devil Fruit to pry Nami off of the trees.

"Waaahhh! I want my mommy and my dead mommy!" Nami sobbed as Sanji and Robin dragged her away.

"There goes a chick that put me in the hospital too many times to count," Usopp commented, not noticing that various ships such as the Hyperion, the Heart Pirates' submarine, the Moby Dick, Mihawk's pimp boat, and some other boats were docking.

"Get over it, Usopp, and have a roll cake!" Franky said as he opened his arm and pulled out a hot, fresh roll cake. Meanwhile, Sanji, Robin, and Nami were walking down a boardwalk-type area.

"Why can't we go to Canada for the long weekend?" Nami asked Sanji and Robin.

"We're here!" Sanji announced as they approached… The wolfpack from the last chapter and their new member, Mihawk.

"Order now and you will get bottles of Kazuma's manly tears, Heathcliffe and Law's impossibly-tight skinny jeans, the newspaper Mihawk read today, and… A pair of my boxers!" Sabo announced. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I'll reserve judgement until this is over," Mihawk said. A few minutes later, they arrived at the hotel.

"I don't see why we're here," Nami said for the -1,000^69.66666677777th time. Of course, the number -1,000^69.666666777777doesn't really exist, so, Nami just complained once. Over in the corner of the lobby, Sanji and Robin were making out.

"When you two are done releasing sexual tensions, we have a meeting to discuss!" Kartik yelled to the couple, who stopped making out and started playing with Legos.

"That's odd. Kartik sexually made a rational point," Sanji commented.

"I'm sorry. That was childish and uncalled for," Robin apologized. Mihawk began laughing very hard.

"This is the worst porn I have ever read!" Mihawk laughed as he read bad Hetalia fanfiction. Everyone grew serious.

"Hawkeye, is there something you're not telling us?" Kidd asked Mihawk as he held a knife to Law's throat. But, Kidd wasn't paying attention, so Law slipped under Kidd's arms, walked up to the vending machine, and bought some underwear.

"Oh, for the love of Chris Crocker!" Kidd cursed. A few minutes later, the Wolfpack sat in their hotel suite in silence.

"Oh, Mihawk, we have to do the ceremony to accept you into the wolfpack," Bonney explained as she handcuffed Mihawk to a sleeping Law. "Everyone else, go outside and throw rocks at cars."

Bonney then kicked the rest of the wolfpack out of the hotel room.

"Seriously! Sanji, Robin, what the hell kind of vacation is this?" Nami asked Sanji, who pulled a pie out of his pants, and Robin, who was singing the song about the elements on the Periodic Table of Elements.

"My pants give me Hammerspace!" Sanji announced. On board the Sunny, Luffy, Zoro, Usopp, Chopper, Franky, and Brook were reading the books Sanji keeps under his bed.

"OMG! That looks delicious!" Luffy cried as he looked at a picture of a nice, succulent piece of Rump… Roast.

"So does this one!" Chopper said as he pointed to a picture of a cute, fluffy, and marshmallow-y pair of… Giant marshmellows.

"That honey looks amazing! But, I am a skeleton, so, I don't have any eyes for looking! Yohohohohoho! Skull joke!" Brook yelled as he looked at said honey, which was in a jar and next to a cup of tea. Then, there was a knock on the door.

"Oi, i'll get that. It beats seeing Dartboard Brow's magazines," Zoro said as he got up and went to the deck. On the deck stood the rest of the Capricorns, Supernovas, CP9, Shichibukai, and Vivi.

"We don't any Girl Scout cookies," Zoro stated. Back with the wolfpack, they were sitting in the hall in silence. But, a sickening noise came from inside the hotel room, where Bonney, Law, and Mihawk were still in.

_I'm on the edge of glory,_  
><em>And I'm hanging on a moment of truth,<em>  
><em>I'm on the edge of glory,<em>  
><em>And I'm hanging on a moment with you,<em>  
><em>I'm on the edge<em>  
><em>The edge<em>  
><em>The edge<em>  
><em>The edge<em>  
><em>The edge<em>  
><em>The edge<em>  
><em>The edge<em>  
><em>I'm on the edge of glory<em>

Everyone gasped as they ran inside the room, where Bonney was holding Mihawk and Law at pencil-point. The music stopped.

"Hallelujah, Law is in danger!" Kidd cheered. Law began to cry.

"Leave Britney Spears alone!" Law sobbed. Then, the song "The Phantom of the Opera" from The Phantom of the Opera began to play.

"_In sleep, he sang to me_  
><em>In dreams, he came to me<em> –" Matsu sang before Ace cut her off.

"Looks like the Phantom's back," Ace commented.

"Oh, crap. I hope it's not Rick Astley," Sabo said as he hugged his bacon strips closer to his t-shirt that said "Bacon strips & bacon strips & bacon strips & bacon strips & Bacon strips".

"Alright, Matsu, Kartik, Sanji, Robin, suit up!" Nami commanded.

"_No more talk of darkness_  
><em>Forget these wide-eyed fears<em>  
><em>I'm here, nothing can harm you<em>  
><em>My words will warm and calm you<em>

_Let me be your freedom_  
><em>Let daylight dry your tears<em>  
><em>I'm here, with you, beside you<em>  
><em>To guard you and to guide you<em>," Kartik sang to Matsu.

"_Say you'll love me every waking moment_  
><em>Turn my head with talk of summertime<em>  
><em>Say you'll need me with you now and always<em>  
><em>Promise me, that all you say is true<em>  
><em>That's all I ask of you<em>," Matsu sang to Kartik before the music stopped with a record scratch.

"Sing it like a man, or you're not coming with us!" Ace explained. Then, the REAL music started.

_Fly Away Now_  
><em>Fly Away Now<em>  
><em>Fly Away<em>  
><em>Fly Away Now<em>  
><em>Fly Away Now<em>  
><em>Fly Away Now<em>

Robin and Matsu then began to re-enact Panty and Stocking's transformation sequence. Just before any clothes were taken off, Sanji and Kartik stopped them.

"Excuse me? As sexy as this sounds, I don't allow this! Robin-chawn and Matsu-swan are too lady-like for this!" Sanji cried.

"Matsu Takeshima, proper ladies DO NOT get ready for battle with that immoral song from that immoral show," Kartik explained.

"I bet Karin strips to "Fly Away Now" every day," Ace whispered to Sabo. Then, the Roxanne song from Moulin Rouge started, but, stopped so some - *Ahem* - HAPPIER music could play.

_Fly Away Now_  
><em>Fly Away Now<em>  
><em>Fly Away<em>  
><em>Fly Away Now<em>  
><em>Fly Away Now<em>  
><em>Fly Away Now<em>

This time, it was Sanji and Kartik's turn to re-enact that famous transformation scene. But, it was stopped five seconds later.

"Just change normally so we can pimp-slay this Phantom!" Mihawk yelled. A few minutes later, after the four changed into their "shark bait" clothes from the last chapter, the wolfpack walked down the boardwalk.

"_Dream of the nineties is alive in Portland, Portland, Portland_!" Law sang as he skipped down the boardwalk. He then bumped into the Phantom.

"Holy shit! It's Rick Astley!" Law yelled.

"_I am not Rick Astley. Please remove my mask_."

"Don't do it, Law! The Phantom could be The Situation!" Nami cried.

"Remember, Law, Dream of the Nineties is alive in Portland!" Bonney reminded Law.

"Please do this so the Phantom can kill you – I mean, leave you in a ditch while we get ice cream!" Kidd pleaded.

"I actually want donuts," Killer said. Ace was asleep, so, he didn't say anything.

"Kick it in the manly parts!" Sabo yelled.

"I don't kick girls! They're soft!" Sanji yelled back.

"Is it Erik? Is it Erik? Is it Erik?" Kartik and Matsu excitedly asked Law.

"Shut up! Evita's better!" Robin yelled to the couple. Mihawk just sighed an emo sigh.

"Hurry up so I can watch my soaps," Mihawk said. Law then ripped the mask off of the phantom, and gasped.

"What the fu –" Law cried before a HORRIBLE song began to play.

_You know you love me_  
><em>I know you care<em>  
><em>Just shout whenever<em>  
><em>And, I'll be there<em>  
><em>You are my love<em>  
><em>You are my heart<em>  
><em>And, we will never ever, ever be apart<em>  
><em>Are we an item?<em>  
><em>Girl, quit playing<em>  
><em>We're just friends,<em>  
><em>What are you saying?<em>  
><em>Said, there's another; look right in my eyes<em>  
><em>My first love broke my heart for the first time<em>  
><em>And, I was, like,<em>

_Baby, baby, baby, oh_  
><em>I'm, like, baby, baby, baby, no<em>  
><em>I'm, like, baby, baby, baby, oh<em>  
><em>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<em>  
><em>Baby, baby, baby, oh<em>  
><em>I'm, like, baby, baby, baby, no<em>  
><em>I'm, like, baby, baby, baby, oh<em>  
><em>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<em>

"Oh, God! The Autotune!" Sanji sobbed before he began kicking at the Phantom.

"Yeah, Sanji! Smack that bitch up!" Nami cheered.

"Why the hell is the Phantom of Opera Justin Bieber?" Sabo yelled. A few minutes of trauma later…

"So, how did it go?" Luffy asked the wolfpack.

"Don't remind me!" The wolfpack said all at once. Behind them, the boardwalk was on fire.

"I'm guessing with the fire and the pissed-off looks that you had fun," Vivi said. Then, Smoker and Tashigi arrived.

"Alright, punks, who set the boardwalk on fire and wrote 'Justin Bieber sucks' on my jacket?" Smoker asked the pirates.

"It was the Shichibukai and the CP9!" The Straw Hats, Supernovas, Capricorns, Ace, Sabo, and Vivi yelled before they ran away.

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

After that, the Straw Hats, the Supernovas, the Capricorns, Ace, Sabo, and Vivi went to Applebees. They had iced teas and salads. But, they had to leave early, because Kaya, the babysitter to Ajax, had to leave early because it was a school night.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see Marco ride a segway, Molly working at a Chinese restaurant Garp owns, and Alvida become a ninja-amazon maid.<strong>


	23. Bepo! The Musical!

**Author's Note: **Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Luffy and Law fans, I present to you... Bepo! The Musical!

**Disclaimer: I own none of the songs used in this chapter, or One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was 7 a.m. on a Friday morning, when Bepo awoke. Might we add that it's never good to wake up at 7 in the morning on Friday?<p>

_7 a.m., waking up in the morning_  
><em>Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs<em>  
><em>Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal<em>  
><em>Seein' everything, the time is goin'<em>  
><em>Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'<em>  
><em>Gotta get down to the bus stop<em>  
><em>Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)<em>

Bepo looked around to see if the humans on his crew were up. Penguin and Casquette were still asleep and Jean Bart was smoking while reading the Sears catalogue.

"Get off my lawn!" Jean Bart yelled.

"Sorry," Bepo apologized before he went to check on his sexy captain. When he got to his captain's room, he saw something disturbing; Law was freak-dancing to Lady Gaga.

_When he comes to me, I am ready_  
><em>I'll wash his feet with my hair, if he needs<em>  
><em>Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain<em>  
><em>Even after three times, he betrays me<em>  
><em>I'll bring him down, a king with no crown<em>

_I'm just a holy fool, oh, baby, he's so cruel_  
><em>But, I'm still in love with Judas, baby<em>  
><em>I'm just a holy fool, oh, baby, he's so cruel<em>  
><em>But, I'm still in love with Judas, baby<em>

Bepo closed the door and made his merry way toward the kitchen.

_Kickin' in the front seat_  
><em>Sittin' in the back seat<em>  
><em>Gotta make my mind up<em>  
><em>Which seat can I take?<em>

_It's Friday, Friday_  
><em>Gotta get down on Friday<em>  
><em>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend<em>  
><em>Friday, Friday<em>

_Gettin' down on Friday_  
><em>Everybody's looking forward to the weekend<em>

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" Bepo yelled. Because of several complaints and lawsuits, we had to stop playing the song.

So, anyway, Bepo arrived at the kitchen, where he was going to…. Make waffles.

"_Do you like waffles_?" Law sang.

"_Yeah, we like waffles_," Bepo sang.

"_Do you like pancakes_?" Law sang.

"_Yeah, we like pancakes_," Bepo sang.

"_Do you like French toast_?" Law sang.

"Shut up! I have a freaking hangover!" Moria yelled from wherever he currently is. Bepo then got out the waffle maker, waffle mix, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a DVD of the movie "The Spanish Inn", hipster clothing, the book _Snow Flower and the Secret Fan_, and a shotgun.

"Mr. Bepo, what are you planning?" Law asked the bear.

"I'm making waffles," Bepo answered. Law shrugged because he is hipster like that.

"Okay, then. Let me know when you are going to re-create "Brideshead Revisited"," Law said before he left the room. It was a bad idea, since Bepo is now unsupervised.

"_ORANGE no SLIDE utsusu sora_  
><em>SPONGE no PRIDE burasagete<em>

_SPIDER_  
><em>Kite totta sono yokan wa<em>  
><em>Kakusanakuta tte ii n da<em>  
><em>Iro no tsuita yume mitai na<em>

_YEAH_  
><em>YEAH<br>__YEAH  
><em>_YEAH_  
><em>YEAH<em>

_RIDE ON SHOOTING STAR_  
><em>Kokoro no koe e de<em>  
><em>Sandanjuu no yo wa ni<em>  
><em>Utaitsudzuketa<em>," Bepo sang as he loaded the shotgun and took a swig of Jack Daniels. Law entered.

"Cut that out, Bepo! You're not Sengoku… Yet," Law reminded Bepo before he resumed building a hipster bike. Bepo sighed as he began to make his waffles.

"_Tsukarimashou_  
><em>Tsukarimashou<em>  
><em>Sate sate nami ga dekiru ka na<em>," Bepo sang as he mixed the waffle mix, eggs, and water in Law's pimp hat. Luffy and Chopper entered.

"Hey, Big Bear, what are you making?" Luffy asked Bepo, who huddled into his emo hipster bear corner.

"I'm sorry. I'm making waffles," Bepo said.

"Sugoi!" Luffy shouted.

"Sing the dinner song!" Chopper requested.

"I'm sorry, I don't know it," Bepo apologized.

"Sing it, or else we're going toShanghai!" Luffy cried. Bepo sighed.

"_Dinner song. Dinner song_," Bepo sang. Luffy and Chopper blinked and walked away.

"Have a nice day," Bepo said to the two before he poured the waffle batter into the waffle maker. While his waffles were cooking, Bepo read porn. Just kidding. Bepo got out some maple syrup and butter and waited for his waffles to be done.

"_Ai-yai-yai, I'm your little butterfly_  
><em>Green, black, and blue make the colors in the sky<em>  
><em>Ai-yai-yai, I'm your little butterfly<em>  
><em>Green, black, and blue make the colors in the sky<em>," Bepo sang as he read about Zoffy's adventures in theOneParkmanga. Kazuma, Yuki-Rin, and Molly entered.

"And this is why we can never let Drusilla and Gareth watch paint dry," Yuki-Rin explained to her sister and boyfriend.

"Uhh… You're not my hipster captain, our Farmville player with serious vision issues, or those two other guys we got from a Craig's List ad," Bepo said.

"And you're not Shane McGowan. Pity," Molly said sadly.

"Why are we here? I'm sure it has nothing to do with Kazuma's hotness or The Pogues," Yuki-Rin asked the two humans and one bear. Kazuma then took off his shirt.

"What the fecking hell?" Molly cried as Kazuma picked up the maple sryrup bottle.

"Molly, leave the room and listen to The Pogues or something. Just… Don't watch this if you value your sanity and vision, unlike Jean Bart," Yuki-Rin explained. Molly walked away, muttering something about why Kazuma always gets VERY horny when there's maple syrup in the room.

"What's her deal?" Bepo asked as he made shadow puppets. Kazuma then began pouring maple syrup all over his soft, blonde hair and all over his muscular body and tight, black pants.

"XCKBGDYHHFHGHDFVBDSHUYGFDU!" Yuki-Rin screamed. She then made out with the sticky, surypy, sexy Kazuma. Bepo shielded his eyes with a FrancexCanada doujinshi.

"Oh, God! My eyes!" Bepo cried, referring to the Pikachu Pillow Pet on the table. Then, the Straw Hats strutted in in a badass way.

_The paranoia is in bloom, the PR_  
><em>The transmissions will resume<em>  
><em>They'll try to push drugs<em>  
><em>Keep us all dumbed down and hope that<em>  
><em>We will never see the truth around<em>

_Another promise, another scene, another_  
><em>A package not to keep us trapped in greed<em>  
><em>With all the green belts wrapped around our minds<em>  
><em>And endless red tape to keep the truth confined<em>

_They will not force us_  
><em>They will stop degrading us<em>  
><em>They will not control us<em>  
><em>We will be victorious<em>

"This music is too badass for public consumption," Bepo said before he changed the music on the conviently-placed radio.

_Think of me_  
><em>Think of me fondly<em>  
><em>When we've said goodbye<em>

_Remember me_  
><em>Once in a while<em>  
><em>Please promise me you'll try<em>

_When you'll find that once again you long_  
><em>To take your heart back and be free<em>  
><em>If you ever find a moment<em>  
><em>Spare a thought for me<em>

The music stopped with a record scratch.

"I think we've had enough Phantom of the Opera for a LONG time," Sanji said. Then, Perona and Mihawk entered. The rest of the Capricorns followed them.

"_You know them old sugar daddies_  
><em>They be trickin they tell them girls<em>  
><em>I said you can have wahtever you like<em>  
><em>I said you can have whatever you like<em>  
><em>Yeah<em>," Mihawk sang. Somebody's watch beeped in the background.

"Time for the finale!" Kazuma said as he dumped more maple syrup on himself.

"Why do I let Daisuke be friends with this turnip?" Blaise asked himself.

"_My loneliness is killin' me_  
><em>(And I)<em>  
><em>I must confess, I still believe<em>  
><em>(Still believe)<em>  
><em>When I'm not with you, I lose my mind<em>  
><em>Give me a sign<em>," Perona sang.

"_Hit me, baby, one more time_!" Everyone who appeared in this chapter sang. The waffle maker then caught on fire.

"There goes my waffles," Bepo said indifferently as he began to bathe Kazuma.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Here were the songs used, if anyone is curious

**Friday - Rebecca Black  
>Judas - Lady Gaga<br>Do you Like Waffles? - Parry Gripp  
>Ride on Shooting Star - The Pillows (Fooly Cooly ED)<br>Chiyo-chan's Cooking Song - from Azumanga Daioh  
>Dinner Song - from "The Change-Up"<br>Butterfly - from Dance Dance Revolution  
>Uprising - Muse<br>Think of Me - from _Phantom of the Opera  
><em>Whatever You Like - T.I.  
>Hit me, Baby, One More Time - Britney Spears<strong>

**Review if you want to see such treason like Luffy sparking anpan at people, Rob Lucci doing a commercial for Pillow Pets, and Pwngoat's music video.**


	24. Of Shirley Temple and Hipsters

**Author's Note: **This is the most obscure chapter in the fic. I bet you've never heard of it.

**(Obscure) Disclaimer: One Piece is owned by Eichiiro Oda. So is Wanted, but, you've never heard of it.**

* * *

><p>It was a banal – pronounced "Bay-null", not "Bah-nal", in respect for the video "All About Halifax" – as Aki read some sheet of paper.<p>

"OMG! Everyone, get out here!" Aki called out to her fellow crew members. Only Hana, Molly, and Yuki-Rin came. Hana came because the room Aki was in was where Hana kept her TykixLavi yaoi, Yuki-Rin came because hanging out with Kazuma is too mainstream, and Molly came because she is 1/4th hipster.

"I'd ask you what the hell is going on, but, that's too mainstream," Yuki-Rin explained.

"I'm entering all of us in a Shirley Temple look-a-like contest!" Aki announced.

"Aw, hell naw!" Hana cried.

"I don't look like whoever the feck this child star is!" Molly complained.

"Shirley Temple is too mainstream! I like Wendy Marvell better!" Yuki-Rin complained. Her sister, best friend, and random pretty girl she picked up from the streets looked at her. Maybe it's because Yuki-Rin was the only girl who didn't have black hair that was in the room, or, maybe it's because Yuki-Rin IS a hipster. Or, it's because only Yuki-Rin read Fairy Tail.

"Everyone knows Shirley Temple! She's the best celebrity who isn't Cyndi Wang or Audrey Hepbun!" Aki gushed.

"I'm sorry, but, Todd Haberkorn, Jory Caron, Vato Falman, Jin Kobayashi, and Carrie Brownstien are better. Plus, they're winning, duh!" Yuki-Rin explained. (1)

"Who are those people THAT AREN'T Todd Haberkorn?" Hana asked Yuki-Rin.

"Oh, I'm sure you've never heard of them. They're obscure people you don't know about," Yuki-Rin explained. A few minutes later, the four girls left. Yes, it was against Yuki-Rin's will.

"I wonder what Sarutobi-kun and everyone else is doing," Aki wondered to herself. Inside the ship…

"_Sticks and stones may break my bones, but, chains and whips excite me_!" Daisuke sang angrily to Rubio. Nobody applauded.

"Leave Chris Crocker alone!" Blaise cried. Meanwhile, the hipster, the 1/4th-hipster, the beautiful girl who roped everyone into this, and Hana arrived at a beauty parlor.

"Why don't I get a cracky title?" Hana asked the cameraman.

"Because I said so," Chopper said off-screen.

"So, what Shirley Temple roles will you girls go for?" Aki asked Molly, Hana, and Yuki-Rin.

"Feck this shite, I'm outta here," Molly said before turning around and going back to the Hyperion. Zoro returned carrying Molly a few seconds later.

"Why the hell am I even in this scene?" Zoro asked the three as he set Molly down and walked away with a propane tank on a leash.

"Molly, that was very un-Shirley Temple-like of you," Aki scolded. Molly payed no attention, as she was buying Flogging Molly concert tickets on Sanji's iPhone. "Uhh… Where did you get that?"

"Daisuke stole it off of some wanker who was hittin' on Yulia," Molly said, not looking up from her game of Angry Birds.

"Great, Molly. At least you consider Flogging Molly concerts and Angry Birds to be more important than Shirley Temple," Yuki-Rin commented as she played Angry Birds on Chopper's jailbroken iPad.

"Where did Daisuke get that?" Aki asked Yuki-Rin.

"I bought off of Ebay with the money Z.G. gave me for National Arakawa Under the Bridge, Mexican Food, and The Black Keys Day. It's an obscure holiday you don't know about," Yuki-Rin explained. Aki facepalmed.

"Come on, guys, or we'll miss our hair appointment," Aki said. Yuki-Rin threw the iPad away.

"[Beep]! My [Beep]!" Crocodile yelled off-screen. The four entered the beauty parlor.

"Are you the girl from the Craigslist ad?" Mr. 3 asked Aki.

"No," Aki answered.

"Come with me, ma'am," Mr. 3 said before delicately leading Aki away. Yuki-Rin and Molly used this time to sneak away. Hana sighed.

"Guess I'm outta here, too," Hana said before going into the yaoi shop next door. Back on board the Hyperion, since we don't know where Yuki-Rin and Molly ran off to…

"_Don't be scared_  
><em>I've done this before<em>  
><em>Show me your teeth<em>  
><em>Don't want no<em> –" Daisuke sang before stuff happened.

"Why can't you sing 'Government Hooker'?" Blaise asked Daisuke.

"No! Sing 'Judas'!" Yulia cried.

"No! Sing 'You and I'!" Kazuma cried.

"No! Sing 'Beautiful, Dirty, Rich'!" Maki-chan cried.

"No! Sing 'There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered, Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of it Yet'!" Heathcliffe requested. Everyone looked at him.

"It's a good song that ISN'T by Lady Gaga! Now, shut up, we're watching Shane Dawson!" Heathcliffe yelled. Everyone rolled their eyes as they began reading pamphlets on Shanghai in the late 1920's.

"Oh, wow, the Wing-On department store looks fierce!" Gareth commented as his face turned red.

"Macy's is fiercer!" Blaise yelled. Meanwhile, the Shirley Temple look-a-like contest was beginning. Aki was dressed as Shirley Temple's most loveable role, Yuki-Rin was dressed in full hipster regalia (glasses and scarf included), Hana was dressed in the Ouran High School uniform, and Molly was nowhere to be seen.

"Guys, those aren't what Shirley Temple wears!" Aki reminded the hipster and the yaoi fan.

"How many times have I told you that I like Bridget Regan better?" Yuki-Rin asked Aki, who has no clue on who Bridget Regan or Flogging Molly is.

"Who?" Aki asked Yuki-Rin.

"Oh, you wouldn't know her. She's kinda obscure," Yuki-Rin explained. Then, Hana was forced to speak, since we need to add words and fill up space for this one-shot.

"You know, my parents learned their parenting skills from Cops, so, maybe that can make you guys stop fighting," Hana explained. Meanwhile, the rest of the Capricorns (minus Molly) arrived at the contest. To pass the time before the contest began, Gareth read manga.

"Oh, my God! Touching is good!" Gareth yelled.

"Excuse me?" Kartik yelled sophisticatedly.

"No, Gareth, Touch is bad. I like Sazae-san better," Aria explained.

"What kind of name is 'Touch' for a manga? What is this 'Touch' about, anyway?" Kartik asked Gareth.

"It's about baseball, not [Beep]," Gareth explained.

"Why is a baseball manga called 'Touch'?" Sebastian asked Gareth.

"Because some fugly bitch fell in love with some guy on the baseball team, that's why. But, the fact that the ABSOLUTELY STUNNING Sanae Shintani sang the opening song makes up for the bad art," Gareth explained.

"You're right, Gareth. Sanae Shintani is a fox," Rubio agreed.

"Weren't you in love with a department store in China a few minutes ago?" Showtarou asked Gareth.

"That doesn't matter, Jeeves," Gareth said with a smirk. Then, the contestants of the look-a-like contest walked onstage. Only Aki was dressed as Shirley Temple.

"Oh, my God! Hana's Vic Mingnogna!" Kazuma cried. The head of the contest gasped.

"Well, since YOU'RE the only one dressed as Shirley Temple, you win," The announcer explained as he handed a tiara to Aki.

"Told you Shirley Temple was obscure," Yuki-Rin said to Aki Everyone then left right before Molly arrived.

"Oi, what did I miss?" Molly asked the empty room.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: (1) - Here are the people Yuki-Rin was talking about.<strong>

**Todd Haberkorn - He's a voice actor for Funimation who has voiced Allen Walker, Death the Kid, and Italy, among others. If "One Piece: Parallel Works" were real, i'd want him to voice Sebastian. (Hozuki, not Michaelis)**

**Jory Caron - He's the host of my favorite webshow, "Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This?". He's also hosted some other webshows i'm too lazy to list.**

**Vato Falman - He's a very underrated (and obscure) Fullmetal Alchemist character. Seriously, this guy is unloved, compared to Roy.**

**Jin Kobayashi - He did the School Rumble manga.**

**Carrie Brownstein - She's the lead actress in Portlandia, another show I like which just happens to influence some of this fic.**

**Review if you want to see obscure things like Kazuma and Heathcliffe trying to cheat at Angry Birds, Mihawk becoming a governess to Dadan's 69 illegitimate children (no, she does not have 69 illegitimate children in canon), and the CP9 working at Taco Bell.**


	25. Family Game Night

**Author's Note: **This is why MMD videos are too influential on my works. XD

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, the "Dear Sister" sketch from Saturday Night Live, or any Backstreet Boys songs.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day on the Hyperion, as Sebastian, Rubio, and Heathcliffe hung around the common room of the Hyprion. Gareth entered.<p>

"Hey, guys, what's up?" Gareth asked everyone. Sebastian then shot Gareth with a water gun.

_Mmmm whatcha say?_  
><em>Mmm that you only meant well?<em>  
><em>Well, of course, you did<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's all for the best?<em>  
><em>Of course, it is<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's just what we need<em>  
><em>You decided this<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm what did she say?<em>

"What the Toaster Strudel? It is on, Sebastian!" Gareth cried before he shot Sebastian with a NERF gun.

_Mmmm whatcha say?_  
><em>Mmm that you only meant well?<em>  
><em>Well, of course, you did<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's all for the best?<em>  
><em>Of course, it is<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's just what we need<em>  
><em>You decided this<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm what did she say?<em>

"Somebody… Help me," Sebastian pleaded as Hatori entered.

"Hey, guys, why are we in Saturday Night Live?" Hatori asked before Rubio shot him with a NERF gun.

_Mmmm whatcha say?_  
><em>Mmm that you only meant well?<em>  
><em>Well, of course, you did<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's all for the best?<em>  
><em>Of course, it is<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's just what we need<em>  
><em>You decided this<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm what did she say?<em>

"Why couldn't we just do the Put a Bird on It sketch?" Hatori asked everyone.

"One, that's from Portlandia. And, two –" Heathcliffe explained before Holden shot him with a NERF gun.

_Mmmm whatcha say?_  
><em>Mmm that you only meant well?<em>  
><em>Well, of course, you did<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's all for the best?<em>  
><em>Of course, it is<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's just what we need<em>  
><em>You decided this<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm what did she say?<em>

"Sarutobi-kun!" Aki cried before she shot Holden with a NERF gun.

_Mmmm whatcha say?_  
><em>Mmm that you only meant well?<em>  
><em>Well, of course, you did<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's all for the best?<em>  
><em>Of course, it is<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm that it's just what we need<em>  
><em>You decided this<em>  
><em>Mmmm whatcha say?<em>  
><em>Mmmm what did she say?<em>

The rest of the Capricorns entered the room.

"Seriously, this has to stop, or we're not doing the rest of the oneshot," Yuki-Rin explained.

"I was not involved," Rubio stated.

"Yes, you were. You shot Hatori," Sebastian stated. The room grew silent, because Belphegor is Fran's sempai.

"I propose a family game night," Matsu stated. This caused an outrage.

"Yes. Finally, I can play as Cloud on Kingdom Hearts," Yuki-Rin said evilly.

"Fuck Cloud! Sanada Yukimura is better!" Kazuma yelled.

"He's from Sengoku Basara!" Yuki-Rin pointed out. Our favorite bipolar cleared her throat.

"We mean boardgames, dumbasses," Ageha explained. Everyone looked at her.

"What are those?" Kazuma asked Ageha. A few minutes later, the Capricorns sat down to play the anime edition of Monopoly.

"So, all we have to do is buy things in this game, right?" Gareth asked Ageha. "I mean, it's not like I have a shopping addiction or anything, just saying."

"Yep. All you have to do is buy stuff and become a sellout!" Ageha answered.

"Just like Arcade Fire," Heathcliffe added.

"Exactly. Now, let's play!" Ageha said. Five hours later, Blaise had properties on every spot but Shibusen.

"You suck, Blaise! I wanted that nice apartment that's rumored to be inside Walpurgisnacht!" Hana cried.

"I wanted Kaito's ice cream!" Yuki-Rin cried.

"I wanted Gakupo and his body!" Mikuri cried. Blaise gasped.

"Mikuri Matsumoto, you are so dead," Blaise stated as he pulled out a faucet pipe, a l aRussia. Over on the Thousand Sunny, which just happened to be docked next to the Hyperion…

"Huh. It sounds like there's a huge fight erupting over Monopoly," Nami commented.

"I remember when that happened to us. Robin-chawn and Usopp ended up in couples' therapy and Franky became a pizza delivery man for six weeks," Sanji commented.

"Maybe we should call the police on them," Usopp commented. The next thing the Capricorns knew, was that they were in jail. The males were in one cell and the females were in another Alec were in cages while wearing Elizabethian dog collars.

"Ending up in jail over a catfight over a board game. Just another day for us Capricorns," Hana commented.

"HEY, YUKI-RIN! SINCE OUR CELLS ARE ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER, WE CAN SHOUT AT EACH OTHER LIKE BILLY MAYS!" Kazuma shouted from the cell across from the females'.

"DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE IN A JAIL, YOU DUMBASS!" Blaise shouted to Kazuma.

"YOU TOO, YOU TUNA FISH!" Holden shouted to Blaise.

"YOU TOO, YOU STUPID BRAT! AND, SAME GOES FOR ME AS WELL!" Kaoru shouted to Holden. Smoker entered the room with the two jail cells, because he was tired of everyone shouting like Billy Mays.

"Alright, everyone, I decided to release all of you, since you won't shut up," Smoker said as he unclocked both cell doors. "But, the boys have to do one thing."

Smoker then whispered something to the boys.

"What? They went out of style years ago!" Kazuma cried.

"Do it, or I'm joining this crew as punishment for the game night," Smoker said. Then, the music started and the manly Capricorn males began to dance boyband-style.

"_Everybody_  
><em>Rock your body<em>  
><em>Everybody<em>  
><em>Rock your body right<em>  
><em>Backstreet's back, alright<em>," The Capricorn males sang.

"_Oh, my God, we're back again_," Showtarou sang.

"_Brothers, sisters, everybody sing_," Holden sang.

"_We're gonna bring the flavor; show you how_," Hatori sang.

"_I've got a question for ya_  
><em>Better answer now<em>," Blaise sang.

"_Am I original_?" Kartik sang.

"_Yeah_," The Capricorn males sang.

"_Am I the only one_?" Heathcliffe sang.

"_Yeah_," The Capricorn males sang.

"_Am I sexual_?" Kazuma sang as he took off his shirt.

"_Yeah_," The Capricorn males sang.

"_Am I everything you need?_  
><em>You better rock you body now<em>," Kartik, Heathcliffe, and Kazuma sang.

"_Everybody_  
><em>Rock your body<em>  
><em>Everybody<em>  
><em>Rock your body right<em>  
><em>Backstreet's back, alright<em>," The Capricorn males sang.

"_Now, throw your hands up in the air_  
><em>And, wave 'em around like you just don't care<em>," Sebastian sang.

"_If you wanna party, let me hear you yell_  
><em>'Cause we've got it going on again<em>," Wolfgang sang.

"_Am I original_?" Enlai sang.

"_Yeah_," All the Capricorn males but Wolfgang sang.

"_Am I the only one_?" Rubio sang.

"_Yeah,_" The Capricorn males sang.

"_Am I sexual_?" Kazuma sang as he took off his pants, revealing his swim trunks.

"_Yeah_," The Capricorn males sang.

"_Am I everything you need?_  
><em>You better rock you body now<em>," Kartik, Heathcliffe, and Kazuma sang.

"_Everybody_  
><em>Rock your body<em>  
><em>Everybody<em>  
><em>Rock your body right<em>  
><em>Backstreet's back, alright<em>," The Capricorn males sang.

"_So, everybody, everywhere_  
><em>Don't be afraid, have no fear<em>," Daisuke sang.

"_Gonna tell the world, make it understand_  
><em>As long as there'll be music<em>, we'll be coming back again," Mikuri sang as he took off his yukata.

"_Everybody_  
><em>Rock your body<em>  
><em>Everybody<em>  
><em>Rock your body right<em>  
><em>Backstreet's back, alright<em>," The Capricorn males sang.

"Oh, my God," Yuki-Rin commented as she shook her head.

"What the bloody hell?" Molly cried.

"What? Heathcliffe, Holden, Soren!" Isabella cried.

"Yay! Go Kartik!" Karin cheered.

"Boys will be boys," Matsu commented.

"I thought the Backstreet Boys fell into obscurity," Maki-chan commented.

"I am fourteen and what is this?" Drusilla asked everyone.

"What is this treason?" Hana cried. Smoker sighed as the Straw Hats arrived.

"Oi, we came to post bail on our enemies so we can laugh and throw eggs at them," Zoro said as he got out a wad of cash. Nami began to cry.

"It's my money, and I need it now!" Nami sobbed.

"Well, you're too late. Go home and play Farmville or something," Smoker explained to the Straw Hats. On board a certain submarine, Jean Bart sneezed.

"Man! Is everybody getting sick, or is it me?" Bepo commented. Meanwhile, the Straw Hats and the Capricorns decided to play a friendly game of helmet jan-ken-pon. It was Usopp no reason other than to establish the following scene.

"Jan ken pon!" Usopp and Matsu yelled. Usopp got paper while Matsu got huge-ass rock.

"Stop! Hammertime!" Usopp said as he got out his giant hammer. Just as he swung it down, Kartik blocked the attack with a copy of _Lés Miserables_.

"No! You do not hit a lady!" Kartik cried as he threw the book at Usopp, starting yet another fight over games. Smoker was watching it from a distance.

"Kids today and their Adventure Time and their hipster music festivals and their Call of Duty. Whatever happened to Saturday morning cartoons?" Smoker asked himself as he smoked a candy cigarette.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see the Capricorn males sing more Backstreet Boys songs, Crocodile be on latrine duty for his Girl Scout troop, and Smoker teaching a yoga class to the zombies of Thriller Bark.<strong>


	26. Bad Yaoi Freaks

**Author's Note: **Before we begin, I would like to thank **MewStar0013. **Her AcexSmoker fic "**From Parent Conferences to Dinner Dates**" has influenced pretty much most of this oneshot.

This oneshot is meant to be read like an overdone yaoi fic with tons of uber-sexiness and... Uhh... Lovey-dovey scenes. Just play along. XD

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or any songs by Adele or Black-Eyed Peas.**

* * *

><p>It was a lovely morning at Smoker's house as he made coffee, read the paper, and chased tresspassers off of his lawn with a shotgun. All in all, it was a relaxing morning.<p>

"Hmm… Stocks on bagels with raisins fell. How disturbing," Smoker commented as Kazuma wandered into his kitchen. All he wore were his swim trunks.

"Well, smack that bitch up and call me Etsuko. Some kid broke into my house," Smoker said as he got out his shotgun.

"Leave me alone, man. This is my house. Plus, I'm going through a break-up from Hana right now, so, yeah," Kazuma explained. Crickets chirped in the background as Smoker gazed into his cerulean, blue orbs of vision.

"'Cerulean, blue orbs of vision'? The fuck? Was somebody high when they wrote this?" Smoker wondered to himself as he began to, you know, smoke. Kazuma sighed.

"Whatever. I'm gonna go to the beach to show off my perfectly chisled abs," Kazuma said before walking out of the house.

"What. The. Hell? I have got to lay off of the Twinkies and the Sno-Balls and the HoHos and the –" Smoker said before Belphegor from Katekyo Hitman Reborn entered with a bag of donuts.

"My God, that sounded wrong," Belphegor commented before he ate a donut. "Mmmmm! Maple-flavored!"

Meanwhile, Kazuma was at the beach, tanning his perfect body. Smoker paused this one-shot to throw the tape at passing hooligans.

"Hey! These are new bondage pants I just got at Hot Topic!" Heathcliffe cried after Smoker threw the videotape of the footage of this one-shot at him.

"It's not my problem anymore, kid," Smoker said. Heathcliffe simply put the tape back in the VCR.

"Firetruck you," Smoker told Heathcliffe. Then, something came walking into Kazuma's vision. He had soft, black-blue hair and piercing, brooding, black eyes. His fashion was just as brooding as his look, as he wore a black Ramones T-shirt, black skinny jeans that made any Spain fangirl go "Dat ass", many, at least three silver chains hanging off of said jeans, black combat boots, and fishnet gloves. In other words, Kazuma was staring at a teenaged boy with Adonis DNA.

No, this boy wasn't Charlie Sheen. If he were, we'd also say he'd have Tiger Blood, that he was a total freaking rockstar from Mars, that he's not bipolar, but, bi-winning, and that he's a Vatican assassin. All of that would make this fanfic, as Charlie Sheen says, "Winning!"

In reality, this boy was Holden Sarutobi, and he was a sexy beast.

"Dat ass!" Many Spain fangirls yelled. Kazuma's cheeks turned rosy as he thought about doing manly things with this handsome boy.

"Umm… Will you go out with me?" Kazuma shyly asked Holden like an uke.

"LIKE AN UKE!" A rabid yaoi fangirl yelled before she was taken away. A few feet away, Smoker was on his cell phone.

"Hey, Mihawk, are you watching this? Yes, I know it sucks. No, I don't care that that Kazuma Miyafuji boy is making an arse of himself. Just shut up and order the pizza before I have to myself," Smoker said, which led to many pirates, Shichibukai, and Marines calling each other.

"Perona, you have to come see this. You'd love it. It's bad yaoi, trust me."

"Moria-sama, can you take me to the beach so I can see some yaoi?"

"Crocodile, come with me and Perona to the beach for emotional support. Yes, it has to do with yaoi."

"Shit, Doflamingo, it's happening. We've got some yaoi going on, some pizza being delivered, some snarky comments being made. It's like Hall Pass, man."

"Come on, Hancock, you have to go to this shindig! You can bring Luffy!"

"Luffy-sama, do you want to see some weird romance play-thingie with me?"

"Zoro, do you want to see that Kazuma guy and that Holden guy make-out?"

Zoro stared at his phone in horror. The entire ship was silent.

"Luffy, are you on drugs?" Zoro asked Luffy. Meanwhile, Holden was standing in front of Smoker's house, awaiting his date. He changed into a white, buttoned, collared shirt with black, even tighter skinny jeans and black sneakers.

"Why am I dressed like it's Junjo Romantica?" Holden asked himself.

"Because nobody likes roasted nuts," Soren explained off-screen.

"I miss you, Jory Caron!" Holden cried. Then, Kazuma exited the house that he rented from Smoker at gunpoint. His silky, golden tresses had been washed and conditioned twice and they now smell like exotic, manly watermelons and apples and his skin had been exfoliated, as if he wanted to look bright and pure for his beloved Sarutobi-kun that WASN'T Heathcliffe (because Kazuma ISN'T Aki). He was also wearing the same thing as Holden, except his shirt was buttoned open.

In other words, it looked like Kazuma stepped out of an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

"Hi, sexy," Kazuma greeted.

"Uhh… Hi. You look kissable tonight," Holden said before he began kissing Kazuma all over his neck. To hide their obvious and utter disgust and anger, the pirates watching this spectacle boiled eggs and watched videos of people cosplaying as the Varia from Katekyo Hitman Reborn.

"Get a room!" Kohza yelled. We don't know why he was watching this when he wasn't supposed to, but, whatever.

"This is like going to Wal-mart," Enlai commented.

"Yes, Mr. Enlai, yes it is," Law said as he pet a cat named Mittens. "Where the fuck did this cat come from?"

Kazuma then took off his shirt.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt," Kazuma announced. Then, Karin entered from stage left.

"_What you gonna' do with all that junk?_  
><em>All that junk inside your trunk<em>?" Gareth, Rubio, Daisuke, and Enlai sang.

"_I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,_  
><em>Get you love drunk off my hump.<em>  
><em>My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,<em>  
><em>My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)<em>," Karin sang before the music stopped.

"_We could've had it all! Rolling in the deep_!" Doflamingo sang very badly. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Jejejejejejejejejejejeje," Dr. Kureha laughed.

"Oh, Holden! I think it's time!" Kazuma cried out passionately. Holden hugged Kazuma to his lanky chest. Damn, Kazuma had such a nice body!

"No, bro, let go of him!" Heathcliffe cried.

"You are all bloody insane!" Rubio cried - suddenly using a British accent – as Taio Cruz's "Dynamite" played in the distance. Kazuma pulled Holden closer to him, breathing in his scents of leather, metal, cheap cologne, and Mexican food.

"[Beep], [Beep], and [Beep] me now, Holden Sarutobi!" Kazuma cried.

"I don't want to, Kazuma Miyafuji!" Holden cried. Then, the music began. No, it wasn't "Oh, No, You Didn't".

"Thank Billie Joe Armstrong, Pete Wentz, and Finn and Jake!" Holden cried.

"_Ha ha ha_  
><em>Pump it<em>  
><em>Ha ha ha<em>," Maki-chan sang.

"_And pump it (louder)_," Drusilla sang.

"_And pump it (louder)_," Molly sang.

"_And pump it (louder)_," Z.G. sang.

"_And pump it (louder)_," Isabella sang.

"_Turn up the radio_  
><em>Blast your stereo<em>  
><em>Right,<em>" The Capricorns sang.

"_Wanna hate on us (Who?)_  
><em>Be envious (Who?)<em>  
><em>And, I know why they hatin' on us (Why?)<em>  
><em>Cause that's so fabulous (What?)<em>  
><em>I'ma be real on us (C'mon!)<em>  
><em>Nobody got nuttin' on us (No!)<em>  
><em>Girls be all on us, from London back down to the U.S. (s, s)<em>," Heathcliffe sang.

"_We rockin' it (contagious), monkey business (outrageous)_  
><em>Just confess, your girl admits that we the shit<em>  
><em>F-R-E-S-H We (fresh)<em>  
><em>D-E-F, that's right we def (rock)<em>  
><em>We definite B-E-P, we reppin' it<em>  
><em>So, turn it up (turn it up)<em>  
><em>So, turn it up (turn it up)<em>  
><em>So, turn it up (turn it up)<em>  
><em>C'mon baby, just<em>," Kazuma sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Daisuke sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Hatori sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Rubio sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Aria sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Karin sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Sadie sang.

"_And say, oh oh oh oh_  
><em>Say, oh oh oh oh<em>  
><em>Yo, yo<em>," Yuki-Rin sang.

"_Turn up the radio_  
><em>Blast your stereo<em>  
><em>Right now<em>  
><em>This joint is fizzlin'<em>  
><em>It's sizzlin'<em>  
><em>Right<em>," The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Yo, check this out right here,_" Matsu sang.

"_Dude wanna hate on us (dude)_  
><em>Dude need'a ease on up (dude)<em>  
><em>Dude wanna act on up<em>  
><em>But dude get shut like flavor shut (down)<em>  
><em>Chicks say, she ain't down<em>  
><em>But, chick backstage when we in town (ha)<em>  
><em>She like man on drunk (fool)<em>  
><em>She wanna hit n' run (errr)<em>  
><em>Yeah, that's the speed<em>  
><em>That's what we do<em>  
><em>That's who we be<em>," Gareth sang.

"_B-L-A-C-K -E -Y-E-D-P to the E, then the A to the S_  
><em>When we play you shake your ass<em>  
><em>Shake it, shake it, shake it girl<em>  
><em>Make sure you don't break it, girl<em>  
><em>Cause we gonna<em> –" Blaise sang.

"_Turn it up (turn it up)_  
><em>Turn it up (turn it up)<em>  
><em>Turn it up (turn it up)<em>  
><em>C'mon baby, just<em> -" Yulia sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Thierry sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Chen sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Showtarou sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Ajax sang in a rare speaking appearance.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Aki sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Enlai sang.

"_And say, oh, oh, oh, oh_  
><em>Say, oh, oh, oh, oh<em>  
><em>Yo, yo<em>," Sebastian sang.

"_Turn up the radio_  
><em>Blast your stereo<em>  
><em>Right now<em>  
><em>This joint is fizzlin'<em>  
><em>It's sizzlin'<em>  
><em>Right<em>," The Capricorn Pirates sang.

"_Damn (damn)_," Kaoru sang.

"_Damn (damn)_," Wolfgang sang.

"_Damn (damn)_," Alec sang.

"_Damn (damn)_," Mikuri sang.

"_Damn (damn)_," Sayuki sang.

"_Wow,_" Dewey sang.

"_Apl. de ap. from Philippines_  
><em>Live and direct, rocking this scene<em>  
><em>Breaking on down for the B-boys<em>  
><em>And B-girls waiting to do their thing<em>  
><em>Pump it, louder come on<em>  
><em>Don't stop, and keep it goin'<em>  
><em>Do it, lets get it on<em>  
><em>Move it<em>  
><em>Come on, baby, do it<em>," Kartik sang.

"_La-da-di-dup-dup die dy_  
><em>On the stereo<em>  
><em>Let those speakers blow your mind<em>  
><em>(Blow my mind, baby)<em>  
><em>To let it go, let it go<em>  
><em>Here we go<em>  
><em>La-da-di-dup-dup die dy (c'mon, we're there)<em>  
><em>On the radio<em>  
><em>The system is gonna feel so fine<em>," The female Capricorns sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Akari sang.

"_Pump it (louder),_" Ageha sang.

"_Pump it (louder_)," Mina sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Isaac sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Miria sang.

"_Pump it (louder)_," Hana sang.

"_And say, oh oh oh oh_  
><em>Say, oh oh oh oh<em>  
><em>Yo, yo<em>," Holden and Soren sang.

"_Turn up the radio_  
><em>Blast your stereo<em>  
><em>Right now<em>  
><em>This joint is fizzlin'<em>  
><em>It's sizzlin'<em>  
><em>Right<em>," The Capricorn Pirates sang. People raised eyebrows.

"Why did you guys just sing?" Mihawk asked the Capricorns.

"What the hell just happened?" Crocodile asked the Capricorns.

"Why are Isaac and Miria from Baccano here?" Doflamingo asked the Capricorns. We cut to Hana and Yuki-Rin, who were writing the whole one-shot on Hana's computer.

"What the hell kind of treason fic is this?" Yuki-Rin cried before she got up and left. Hana sighed.

"She's right. It needs some more work," Hana commented before leaving the room to get some candy. Holden entered the room.

"Let's see what fascinating fanfiction treasures Hana has saved on her computer," Holden commented before he sat down and read the yaoi fanfic. "My Samurai, huh? Guess I get to see what a guy-on-guy sex – Oh, dear God!"

Holden covered his eyes as he shot Hana's computer with his guns. When all was said and done, Holden was almost on the verge of tears, like in an angsty anime.

"You can't hurt anybody anymore," Holden said before leaving the room.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>And THAT is my take on KazumaxHolden yaoi.

**Review if you want to see Chimney teach Pwngoat how to use a blender, Arlong become a Twilight fan, or if you want to see more yaoi.**


	27. Lady Marmalade ReVisited

**Author's Note: **Yes, the Lady Marmalade chapter gets a sequel. It's not as mind-scarring as it may be, trust me. XD

**Disclaimer: I don't own a bunch of stuff.**

* * *

><p>It was just another day at Francis Bonnefoy's House, as our favorite wolfpack was walking up to the Moulin Rouge.<p>

"*Sigh*… At least I get away from that drunk Donquixote bitch," Mihawk commented. Kartik then noticed that he was returning to the Moulin Rouge.

"What the hell?" Kartik cried. He tried to run away, but, Mihawk had him on one of those leashes parents put their kids on.

"By law, we needed to put you on a leash so you don't run away and sue us," Mihawk explained.

"I'll sue you anyway! This place gives me emotional distress and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder!" Kartik retorted.

"And Herpes," Sabo added with a schoolgirl giggle.

"Young man, that is not how a gentleman should talk! You need to learn some proper grammer!" Karik scolded Sabo.

"Well, ya'll need to learn some economics!" Ace scolded Kartik.

"Well, you need to learn some Charlie teh Unicron!" Sanji yelled in a Billy Mays-type fashion to Ace.

"Well, you need to learn that Poland is gay for Lithuania!" Nami yelled to Sanji.

"But, I thought Liet was my bitch!" Bonney sobbed.

"But, I thought Liet was straight for Belarus!" Law cried.

"He's bi for both, bitch!" Nami yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"_Since when did Nami become a Hetalia fan_?" Sanji thought to himself as they entered the Moulin Rouge. It now had pictures of LOLCats, Microsoft Sam, and Mishka the Talking Dog on the wall.

"Excuse me, but, please remove all metal items so that one girl from _The Joy Luck Club_ can get pregnant," Blueno explained. And, so, the belts, chains, cell phones, iPods, iPhones, iPads, shoes with buckles, hats with buckles, belts with buckles, pants with zippers, jackets with zippers, shirts with zippers, jewelry, glasses, sunglasses, knives, MP3 players, Zunes, laptops, goggles, swords, guns, watches, pimp canes, and anything else metal was removed from our favorite wolfpack.

"Thank you for removing all metal objects. Please head inside," Blueno said before the wolfpack headed further into the club. "While you're watching these second-rate performances, your car or ship may be subject to various break-ins –"

"What the hell did he say about my ship?" Law cried before they entered the sitting area and sat down on the Big, Comfy Couch, like that one kids' show.

"I have a bad feeling about this place," Kartik commented.

"Alright, which Sarutobi sibling is going to wear only a towel next?" Law asked as he waved his copy of _The Cider House Rules_ in the air.

"No, it's not about Heathcliffe wearing only a towel, Law. I just have the feeling that Karin decided to get a job here," Kartik explained.

"I actually wouldn't be surprised about that," Matsu commented. This was probably the only line she was going to get in this oneshot.

"So, Law-san, how is The Cider House Rules?" Robin asked Law.

"I felt that it needed 75% more jiu-jitsu, Miss Baroque Works," Law explained. "But, other than that, it was intresting. I personally liked that Kings of New England line, but, we all know that when the authoress writes her badass re-telling of the book that only Michael Bay could direct, we all know that it's going to be changed to be more badass." (1)

"Goodnight, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England!" Kartik yelled to Law as he gripped his hoodie.

"Tee-hee, Kartik said 'hoodie'," Sabo giggled.

"Sabo, have you been drinking tonight?" Ace asked Sabo.

"I'm just buzzed!" Sabo answered, quoting Will Ferrel's landlord video. "Can I have four beers?"

"Sabo, you are in no condition to deal with being in a strip club!" Kidd violently, sexily yelled to Sabo. Everyone grew silent.

"Can I have four beers?" Killer asked Kidd.

"XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!" Kidd yelled as he beat Killer over the head with a princess wand. "Hey! That's sexual harassment!"

"But, I want to watch The Secret Circle!" Killer cried.

"Fuck The Secret Circle!" Law yelled.

"Killer, I thought I killed those people – I mean, sent them to summer camp – so you could have Game of Thrones on the ship's DVR," Kidd stated. Then, a woman named Chane Laforet approached them with a copy of _A Song of Ice and Fire_.

"Buenas noches, loved ones. It's time to get horny," Chane announced before she sat on Kidd's lap.

"Finally! A hot, French girl reading fine literature!" Killer – NOT KARTIK – said. Chane cleared her throat as she turned to the first page.

"Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie," Chane read before Kidd grabbed the book and threw it at Dr. Kureha.

"I'm only getting the hell out of here because Amy Lee sucks," Yuki-Rin stated before she left.

"When did Yuki-Rin get here?" Kartik asked everyone but Kidd, who was too busy trying to shank Chane in a knife fight. Go, Chane, go!

"_Marukaite chikyuu, marukaite chikyuu, marukaite chikyuu; boku Hetalia_!" Kidd sang cheerfully before he escorted Chane out of the building. Why didn't he throw her out? Because Chane Laforet is one of the authoress' favorite anime females that isn't Yukina Sononogi, Tiz, Sakura Haruno, Levy McGarden, or Haruko Haruhara.

Anyway, Kyuubey – who is a bigger troll than Orihara Izaya – appeared.

"Would you like to become a Girl Scout?" Kyuubey asked the wolfpack.

"No, I'm a dude," Law stated with a sexy smirk of his.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" Kyuubey yelled before he disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke. All the people in Puella Magi Madoka Magica who died (Gretchen, Charlotte, that DOESN'T mean you) got revived all because of the Grand Line's Most Interesting Man in the World.

"I don't always drink beer, but, when I do, I prefer Dos Equiis. Stay thirsty, my friends," Kartik dubbed over Law, since Law isn't as classy as Kartik or The Most Interesting Man in the World. Kartik stood up.

"Well, I'm going to leave before things get mind-scarring. Take care, now, and don't make the same mistakes as when I went here," Kartik said before he left. Matsu followed after him, because she IS Matsu Takeshima.

"Well, at least this nonsensical chapter is ending," Nami said. Then, Crocodile, who was dressed like Pamela Anderson, approached them.

"_Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)_  
><em>Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)<em>  
><em>Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea)<em>  
><em>Creole Lady Marmalade<em>!" Crocodile sang before he dragged Mihawk off.

"What the hell have you been smoking, Crocodile?" Mihawk asked Crocodile as he was being dragged away a la France dragging England away. Nobody spoke.

"I seriously hope this place burns down soon so we won't have any more people scarred for life," Bonney commented.

"Ditto," The rest of the wolfpack said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: (1) - Hmm... Could that be foreshadowing to an upcoming fanfic?<strong>

**Review if you want to see such lovely treason such as Chopper organizing a Union strike, Luffy and Usopp visiting the Morongo Casino Resort, and some HeathcliffexAki romance scenes so sweet, Blackbeard's blood sugar levels sharply increase.**


	28. Let's Go to the Morongo!

**Author's Note: **Yes, I am using the Morongo Casino Resort idea from the last chapter. I Google Map-ed it, and it's literally in the middle of nowhere. So, basically, Usopp and Luffy are going to the middle of nowhere. Let that sink in until other, crackier (and potentially disturbing) things sink in later on in the chapter.

**Disclaimer: I still don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was, yet again, ANOTHER day on the Thousand Sunny, as Luffy and Usopp played Would You Rather…<p>

"Usopp, would you rather listen to Rebecca Black or Selena Gomez?" Luffy asked Usopp in all seriousness.

"Well… Selena Gomez, because I find her to be a stone-cold fox," Usopp explained, causing Edward Elric to sneeze. "Hey, Luffy, what's Edward Elric doing in this fic?"

"I dunno. Does he have meat?" Luffy asked Usopp.

"No, but he has a lactose intolerance," Usopp answered. A rimshot was heard in the background.

"Let's get some milkshakes!" Luffy announced. And, so, Usopp and Luffy went into the kitchen, where Sanji was listening to the all-Lady Gaga radio station.

"Visit the Morongo Casino Resort in the middle of nowhere today, or we will find you!" The radio announcer said.

"A casino… Sanji, can Usopp and I go to the Morongo?" Luffy asked the sexy sexy ero-cook.

"Sure, you can go, since the place is basically called 'Moron, go'," Sanji said before turning serious. "But, first, let's get down to business."

"_To defeat the huns_!" Luffy sang.

"_Did I ask for sons when they_ –" Usopp sang before Sanji cut him off.

"Save it for High School Musical," Sanji said before he walked over to a cow.

"Sanji, are you making milkshakes?" Luffy asked Sanji, who began to shake the cow.

_Shake dat ting, Miss Kana Kana_  
><em>Shake dat ting, Miss Annabella<em>  
><em>Shake dat ting, yan, Donna Donna<em>  
><em>Jodi and Rebecca<em>

_Woman, get busy_  
><em>Jus shake dat booty non-stop<em>  
><em>When tha beat drops,<em>  
><em>Jus keep swingin' it<em>  
><em>Get jiggy, get crunked up<em>  
><em>Percolate anyting you want to call it<em>  
><em>Oscillate you hip and don't take pity<em>  
><em>Me want fi see you get live 'pon tha riddim when me ryde<em>  
><em>And, me lyrics a provide electricity<em>  
><em>Gal, nobody can tell you nuttin'<em>  
><em>Can you done know your destiny<em>

Sanji then spanked the cow, who mooed.

"Sugoi!" Luffy commented. That evening, after somehow getting lost and ending up at the World's Largest Rotisserie Cooker, Luffy and Usopp arrived at the Morongo Casino Resort.

"THIS is the place?" Usopp asked Luffy as they stared at the skyscraper that was literally in the middle of nowhere.

"This isn't what the brochure told me," Luffy said as he pulled out a brochure for a vacation destination called "Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village". Usopp shuddered.

"I get red bumps and it starts to itch," Usopp commented in a little girl's voice. Yasopp approached them.

"Son, are you on crack?" Yasopp asked Usopp.

"No, sir. I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen," Usopp answered seriously. Yasopp rolled his eyes like a teenaged girl and walked away. Usopp and Luffy then entered the Morongo.

"Excuse me, do you have permission to be in this casino resort in the middle of nowhere?" Sarquiss asked Luffy and Usopp.

"Yeah, girly-man. It's called the Morongo, and we're two morons who were asked to go here," Luffy explained. Sarquiss took this moment to think of why Luffy and Usopp didn't choose the Green Valley Ranch.

"Head on in, and don't come crying to me when you realize that this isn't the Green Valley Ranch in the suburbs of Vegas," Sarquiss said as he moved the stop, wet floor, wrong way, do not enter, closed, inspiration point, and hot springs signs stopping Luffy and Usopp. Usopp and Luffy then slipped on the wet floor.

"That was so much fun! Again! Again!" Luffy shouted.

"I liked the part where we fell! That was so much fun!" Usopp said as they got up and slipped, again. Sarquiss banged his fists against a pizza box.

"Goddamn it!" Sarquiss cried. Luffy and Usopp proceeded into the casino, where Kartik, Karin, Matsu, Kaoru, Mina, Ageha, Thierry, Blaise, Mikuri, and Sayuki were playing Angry Birds. But, this version did not involve any Angry Birds; instead, it involved Sex in the City DVDs, cooking oil, bottles of tequila, cardboard cutouts of Billy Joe Armstrong and Donald Trump, Izou's geisha make-up, and bags of powdered milk.

"_Shannon, I'm coming hoooooooooooooooooooooome! Shannon, I'm coming hoooooooooooooooooooooome_!" Kartik sang as he ate a spoonful of powdered milk, because he lost The Game.

"Are you guys cops? If you are, you have to tell us," Luffy asked the adults.

"No, Luffy, they could be Krispy Kreme clerks," Usopp reminded Luffy.

"I want Krispy Kreme!" Luffy shouted. The adults of the Capricorns turned and looked at him.

"I'm not driving four hours to get you donuts! You should've thought of that before you even spoke to Sanji!" Kartik angrily explained in a gentlemanly fashion. Luffy and Usopp blinked.

"Don't be sad, have a HoHo!" Luffy said before pulling a Hostess HoHo cake from his pants.

"Luffy, stop pulling things out of your pants. We're on national television," Usopp whispered to Luffy. Kartik, Karin, Matsu, Kaoru, Mina, Ageha, Thierry, Blaise, Mikuri, Sayuki, Yasopp, Sarquiss, Sanji, Chopper, Nami, Brook, Robin, Franky, the rest of the Capricorns, and even the caterers sweatdropped.

"And THAT is not a euphemism for anything," Luffy said with a British accent.

"Okay, then. We'll be going now," Kartik said before the Capricorns walked away.

"Drive safe!" Usopp called out to them.

"So, what do you want to do now, Usopp?" Luffy asked Usopp.

"Let's get a hotel room. Then, we can stay the night and we can go to this Green Valley Ranch place tomorrow," Usopp explained.

"Is it painted green?" Luffy asked Usopp.

"How should I know? It's not like I post on the Dollars' forums!" Usopp said before pulling out his cell phone. "_Note to self: Delete my Dollars account_."

A few minutes later, Usopp and Luffy were in their hotel room. They decided to exercise to one of Dr. Kureha, Bon Kurei, and fat!Alvida's exercise videos.

"Bra size 45. Bra size 45. Bra size 45. Bra size 45," Luffy and Usopp chanted as they exercised. The ripping of spandex was heard on the television.

"Oh, my stars! That wasn't supposed to happen!" Dr. Kureha cried.

"_How come every time you come around, my London, London Bridge wanna go down_?" Bon Kurei sang.

"Wow, Bon Kurei sure let himself go ever since we abandoned him in that ditch," Usopp commented.

"Ditch? What ditch? I thought we left him on a freeway overpass inL.A.," Luffy asked Usopp.

"Nah, it was probably an overpass over a ditch. You're right, Luffy. Let's go get some fried chicken," Usopp said. A few hours later, Luffy and Usopp, now with the steaming hot Holden Sarutobi, arrived at the Green Valley Ranch in the suburbs of Las Vegas.

"We're here!" Luffy announced.

"Shut the Fullmetal Alchemist, you dingbat!" Jinbei drunkenly yelled. Two pink, fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows dragged Jinbei away. The three teens ran up to the reception desk.

"Green Valley Ranch. How may we serve you today at our pimping hotel?" Kalifa asked Luffy, Usopp, and Holden.

"Can we stay a night or two? This place is so beautiful, it would make Charlie Sheen and his Adonis DNA sad," Usopp asked Kalifa. "Plus, I heard a séance was going to be held here for Amy Winehouse."

"I heard there was going to be tons of meat here!" Luffy said.

"I heard the bubble baths here made people more bishounen," Holden said. Kalifa stared at them, not even noticing the escaped tiger and Apoo and Hawkins' escaped baby named Carlos.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa said. Sadly, the three teens got kicked out.

"Well, that sucked. Where should we go next?" Holden asked Usopp and Luffy, who pondered over this for a moment.

"We're going to Candy Mountain!" Usopp and Luffy shouted.

"Aw, hell naw," Holden said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Personally, I cracked up when Usopp and Luffy were chanting "Bra size 45".

**This chapter has been dedicated to the memory of Steve Jobs. Without him, we wouldn't have computers, and, thus, we wouldn't have this website and all of its stories. We also wouldn't have the Eureka Seven character Jobs. We miss you, Steve Jobs.**

**Review if you want to see such cracky goodness like Perona making her own Schoolhouse Rock video, Coby hosting Jackass, and Holden taking a bubble bath (complete with bath toys) while Keimi watches over him like she's a lifeguard.**


	29. The Mahjongg Chapter

**Author's Note: **Despite the chapter title, no games of mahjongg are played in the chapter.

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece.**

* * *

><p>One very ordinary day on the Grand Line, Enlai was carrying a box with a squirrel on it. Why? Because the world needs more boxes with squirrels on them, unlike all of the stuff today that has birds on things. Fortunately, your authoress has nothing against Portlandia and the sketch "Put a Bird on It".<p>

"Hey, everybody, get out here! Baka Wolfgang, this may or may not apply to you, so, put up and shut up!" Enlai called out. Kartik entered the common room first, because he was wearing a fancy, white suit with a black tie.

"Kartik, why are you dressed so nice? This isn't _The Great Gatsby_," Enlai pointed out.

"All my other clothes are in the laundry," Kartik explained. On the deck of the Hyperion, Nami was hand-washing Kartik's IZOD polos, DKNY polos, Tommy Hilfiger polos, Ralph Lauren polos, Dior polos, Armani polos, Guess? Polos, Dolce and Gabbana polos, Neiman Marcus polos, Prada polos, Burberry polos, Lacoste polos, Sperry polos, Burberry coats, Burberry suits, Hugo Boss suits, Armani suits, Prada pants, Armani pants, Guess? Pants, Neiman Marcus pants, Tommy Hilfiger pants, Dior pants, Dolce and Gabbana pants, DKNY pants, Hugo Boss shoes, Armani shoes, Armani ties, Gucci ties, Prada ties, and Swatch watches.

"I'm seriously going to steal all of Kartik's clothes, sell them on Ebay, and have enough money to retire to Halifax," Nami said to herself. Back inside, Z.G. entered, looking teary-eyed.

"Leave Britney Spears alone!" Z.G. cried to Blaise, who was entering the room with a bucket of fried chicken and Tinkertoys.

"Uhh… What did I miss?" Blaise asked Z.G., Kartik, and Enlai.

"Uhh… You missed Adventure Time," Enlai answered as he snapped his fingers.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" Blaise shouted before Akari and a hungover Thierry entered the room.

"Not so loud," Thierry told Blaise as Ageha entered.

"I know what will cure this hangover!" Ageha said as she got out ingredients to make Bloody Marys.

"Booze?" Thierry said hopefully with sparkles in his eyes and his hands clasped. Ageha said nothing as she got out a small bottle and poured its contents into a glass of water. She held the water up to the viewers. (Read: You.)

"Make it yours. Make it MiO," Ageha told the audience before throwing the colored water at Kazuma.

"Is this some type of holiday celebrated in the Soul Society?" Kazuma asked everyone. All eyes turned to Kazuma, who was dripping wet with purple water.

"Because I'm in a content mood, I won't tell you how much of an aggressive seme you look like today with that T-shirt on," Blaise explained. Hana poked her head in through the doorframe.

"Did somebody say 'seme'?" Hana asked evilly. Enlai, Kartik, Z.G., Blaise, Akari, Thierry, Ageha, and Kazuma gasped.

"No, we didn't! We said 'semi-formal'. We're discussing dress codes for country clubs," Blaise lied.

"Up-bup-bup, I hear yaoi terms when I hear them," Hana said as she, Drusilla, Kaoru, Mina, and Rubio entered.

"You're speaking nonsense," Ageha said as she began chopping vegetables, thereby, making Sebastian lose his job.

"Excuse me?" Sebastian asked the narrator, obviously P.O.'ed.

"Speak for yourself," Rubio said as the rest of the Capricorns entered the room.

"Okay, what the hell did I miss? Kartik's in a suit, Thierry's hungover, Ageha took Sebastian's job, Hana's in her yaoi mode, and Kazuma has some purple liquid all over him," Yuki-Rin asked everyone.

"I just want everyone to play mahjongg together so I can have an excuse to humiliate Shitty Katsuragi," Enlai said with a cheesy smile on his face. While he was talking, his clothes magically became Lavi's clothes from D. Gray-man. Nobody spoke.

"_A gay boy wished for a planet full of unicorns! Planet unicorn! Unicorn planet! Give it up for feathers! Ooh, Cadillac! And, Tom Cruise_!" Blaise sang. All eyes turned to him.

"Was that gay boy you, Blaise?" Hana asked Blaise.

"How long were you under the illusion that I was a gay boy named Shannon who wished for a planet filled with unicorns?" Blaise asked everyone as he shifted his eyes back and fourth.

And, then, the Capricorns decided to rehearse for a play they weren't in!

"And, here I am. My heart breaking. Forced to splinter. Forced to began," Matsu read from a script. (1)

"I don't know where that's from," Yuki-Rin said, tilting her head.

"Me neither. Let's just say it's from some musical, because it sounds like it does," Kazuma explained.

"Okey-dokey!" Yuki-Rin said. Daisuke's face turned to shock.

"Oh, God! DO NOT tell Kartik about this!" Daisuke told everyone but Kartik.

"Tell him what? He's right here, dumbass!" Yulia pointed out. Then, the CP9 entered with tons of Chinese food.

"I've got a catering delivery for Daisuke Saburo!" Blueno announced.

"My name's Borat. I like you. I like sex," Gareth introduced himself to Blueno, who put him in handcuffs.

"What the broken toaster?" Gareth cried.

"I've been watching you, Gareth. You pretended to be Borat, Billy Mays, Kisuke Urahara, AND Yoruichi Shihounen. We'll pretend the last one didn't happen for reasons very obvious to Bleach fans," Blueno explained. Then, the CP9 danced funkily to the Usher song "Yeah".

"Okay, now what?" Holden asked everyone. Funkfreed – an elephant for those of you that thought Spandam was schizophrenic because he talked to his sword – was sucking on his head.

"Your bill comes out to $32.36," Kalifa explained as she read off Daisuke's bill for all of the Chinese food he bought. Daisuke struck Kalifa so hard, she fell to the floor.

"Bitch, I'm a thief. I can steal this food for free," Daisuke explained. Kalifa got back up, unintentionally giving everyone a view of her panties.

"That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled as SHE struck Daisuke to the ground. Daisuke got back up, unintentionally giving everyone a view of his panda-covered boxers.

"Your mom thinks that's sexual harassment!" Daisuke argued. Everyone "oohed".

"Burned," Spandam commented. Kaku stomped his foot.

"I have no time for this! I'm going to go see _Lestat!_" Kaku said before he left the Hyperion. Lucci facepalmed.

"Aw, hell naw. Not _Lestat_. Anything BUT _Lestat_," Lucci said before he and the CP9 left the ship in search of Kaku.

"Does Kaku realize that there are better musicals out there such as _Phantom of the Opera, Lés Miserables, Moulin Rouge, Wicked, Sweeny Todd, Nine, Annie, My Fair Lady, Little Shop of Horrors, Mamma Mia!, Evita, A Little Night Music, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Fame, Rent, The Sound of Music, Oklahoma, The Princess and the Frog, Hairspray, West Side Story, Chicago, The Music Man, Newsies, Fiddler on the Roof, Dancer in the Dark, Oliver!, The King and I, Guys and Dolls, South Pacific, and Bleach Rock Musical_?" Kartik asked everyone.

"Kartik, dude, you left _American Idiot_ out!" Heathcliffe pointed out.

"And, you left out _Repo! The Genetic Opera_!" Yuki-Rin cried.

"Where's _Love Never Dies_? I thought you were a _Phantom of the Opera_ fan," Thierry asked Kartik, who glared at him.

"That musical is NOT canon!" Kartik shouted as if he were possed by an Akuma, which is a D. Gray-man reference for the people at home who don't know.

"Well, then, let's eat all of this food before it gets cold or warm," Daisuke said.

"Thank God, I'm starving!" Yuki-Rin said before Daisuke began serving the food.

"How odd, we didn't play mahjongg like the chapter title said," Kazuma commented. Hana nudged him in his side.

"Don't say stuff like that, or the authoress will extend this oneshot!" Hana advised. But, the authoress did the right thing and ended the oneshot right now. You're welcome, Capricorn Pirates.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: (1) - Can somebody please tell me where the line - I know I got it wrong - "And, here I am. My heart breaking. Forced to splinter. Forced to began." comes from? I heard it in one of those Hetalia crack videos, and I am very curious as to where it's from.<strong>

**Review if you want to see stuff such as the CP9 getting funky, the Capricorns in their own musical, or even a spoof of _Great Expectations_.**


	30. NCAA March Madness Party! Yay!

**Author's Note: **Okay, let me explain this chapter before we go on to the crack. This chapter is part of "**The Joy Luck Club Parody One-Shot Series**", where I write a series of anime oneshots to parody each story in _The Joy Luck Club_, save for the first and last stories. This chapter (fanfic) parodies the chapter of the book _Best Quality_. Since most of the chapter consisted of banal small talk at the dinner table during a Chinese New Year's dinner, I took the basic chapter plot and ran off into the sunset with it. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Joy Luck Club._**

* * *

><p>It was the day that the NCAA March Madness basketball games began, and Ace got a distressing phone call.<p>

"You fucked WHO?" Ace cried, causing the other Whitebeard Girl Scouts – I mean, pirates – to run into the room.

"Ace fucked WHO?" Marco cried.

"Dude, don't say the 'F' word," Haruta warned Marco.

"You mean 'firetruck'?" Marco asked Haruta.

"No, he means 'fuck'," Jozu pointed out.

"Jozu!" Whitebeard yelled.

"Then, how can Ace get away with saying 'fuck'?" Vista cried.

"Enough, my adopted sons!" Whitebeard yelled as Ace hung up.

"Before you ask, NO I didn't fuck anybody. I need you guys to stay at that Super 8 Motel we passed on the way to this island for the night. Don't ask any questions," Ace explained.

"Is that the lice-infested one that gives you free chickens?" Marco asked Ace.

"Yes," Ace answered.

"Fuck yeah!" All of the Whitebeard Pirates but Ace and Whitebeard cheered.

"No swearing!" Whitebeard cried. Now that the Moby Dick was cleared of its users, Ace decided to go shopping at Target for reasons that we will know a bit later on.

"Hmm… It looks like I need cookies, brownies, cupcakes, chips, dip, salsa, fried chicken, quesadillas, candy, dumplings, donuts, egg rolls, crackers, pocky, Ramune, soda, pizza, sushi, cake, cinnamon rolls, fruit punch, breadsticks, nachos, and, most importantly, booze," Ace said to himself as he wandered the aisles of Target.

"Can I help you?" Smoker asked Ace as he came up from behind him.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Ace cried.

"I came from yo' basement," Smoker answered. Ace grinned.

"Why, yes, you can help me. I need to buy some things for an NCAA March Madness party for tonight," Ace explained. Later that same evening, Ace was setting the Moby Dick up for the party.

"I just hope we can get this wonky _Joy Luck Club_ chapter parody chapter done so I can go home and watch Project Runway," Ace said to himself. Somebody knocked on the door. "Come in! Oh, and don't touch the porcelain dolls I secretly correct – I mean, Pokémon cards!"

Ace's first guests arrived. They were none other than…

The Capricorn Pirates!

"Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on," Holden announced. Then, the Straw Hats entered.

"Oh, shit! I drive a white sedan!" Franky cried before running outside. Nami sighed.

"You should've at least told him that 3/4ths of The Ramones are dead," Nami said. Holden began to cry.

"Shut up! The Ramones are the best band ever!" Holden sobbed as he hugged Heathcliffe and Soren. The Supernovas entered and sweatdropped.

"Did we… Miss anything sexual?" Hawkins asked everyone.

"We're brothers!" The three Sarutobi siblings cried. Law just shrugged.

"Whatever. I brought the mayonnaise," Law said as he pulled a jar of mayonnaise out of his man-purse. The Shichibukai were the next guests that arrived.

"_You and me, baby, we ain't nothing but mammals! So, let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel! You and me, baby, we ain't nothing but mammals! So, let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_!" Moria sang.

"Anyway, we brought the boxed wine," Crocodile said as he put some boxed wine on the table.

"Yucky! Boxed wine!" Sanji cried.

"Boxed wine? Excuse me, young man, but, boxed wine is the trashiest beverage ever! Have you no class?" Kartik asked Crocodile. But, Thierry was helping himself to some of the boxed wine already.

"Hey, booze is booze. Plus, what if you were dehydrated and the only thing to drink at this party was boxed wine?" Thierry asked Kartik.

"Alcohol only will make me more dehydrated! I'd rather drink sea water!" Kartik cried as the CP9, Sabo, and Vivi arrived.

"Sabo is here!" Sabo announced.

"I brought brownies! They're my dad's recipie!" Vivi said as she pulled out some fudge brownies from Hammerspace. Blaise exited and re-entered the Moby Dick.

"To be a man, you must have honor and a pe-" Blaise chanted before Ace cut him off.

"Okay, has everybody filled out their NCAA March Madness brackets?" Ace asked everyone.

"The fuck is that?" Lucci asked Ace, who facepalmed.

"You know what? I'm not even going to explain. Basically, if your team wins the championship, you win a gift card to Olive Garden, some cash, and a Playstation 3. Comprende?" Ace asked everyone.

"Actually, it's not 'comprende'. It's 'comprendar'," Yuki-Rin corrected Ace.

"What do you know, woman?" Ace asked Yuki-Rin as he pointed his finger at her.

"Spanish," Yuki-Rin deadpanned. Because the basketball games weren't going to start for another hour, everyone decided to sit down, eat, drink, and talk smack about the people they were sitting with.

"…And that is why Sengoku is no longer allowed to discuss episodes of Jackass at the Shichibukai meetings anymore," Crocodile explained. Only a few people laughed.

"Fun. Well, there was this that one time when Thierry accidentally got Daisuke drunk. Poor boy wanted to team up with Brook and steal panties from the rich and give them to the poor," Mikuri explained.

"Excuse me?" Daisuke cried.

"So, has anybody been watching that one cooking show that stars Megan Fox, Bon Iver, and Crispin Freeman?" Sabo asked everyone.

"I'm not gonna watch that until they put Thom Yorke from Radiohead on that show," Holden explained.

"I wish my name was Stephanie," Mihawk randomly proclaimed.

"Why? That's a girl's name," Gareth asked Mihawk.

"It's after Lady Gaga, okay?" Mihawk asked Gareth.

"_I'm on the edge of glory! And, I'm hanging on a moment with_ –" Nami sang before Heathcliffe cut her off.

"_When I was a young man, my father took me into the city to see a marching_ –" Heathcliffe sang before Sabo cut him off.

"_Comatose; I'll never wake up without an overdose of you! I don't wanna_ –" Sabo sang before Kartik cut him off.

"_Do, a deer, a female deer. Re, a drop of golden sun. Me, a name I call myself. Fa, a_-" Kartik sang before Chopper cut him off.

"_Go, go, go, shawty, it's your birthday. We're gonna party like it's your birthday. We're gonna sip Baccardi like it's your birthday. We know we don't give a fuck it's_ –" Chopper sang before Matsu cut him off.

"_He met old Marmalade down in New Or_-" Matsu sang before Yuki-Rin cut her off.

"_I'm alive! I'm alive, oh, yeah! Between the good and bad's you'll find me reaching for heaven! I will fight, and_ –" Yuki-Rin sang before Zoro cut her off.

"_Pink, fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows! Pink, fluffy_ –" Zoro sang before Funkfreed cut him off.

"_99 problems, but, a bitch ain't_ –" Funkfreed sang before Spandam cut him off.

"Get back in your sword scabbard, you son of a pancake mix box!" Spandam yelled to his elephant, who transformed into a sword. Lucci gave Spandam a pickle for effort.

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL," Spandam laughed. Everyone grew silent.

"Let's watch Helvetica Standard!" Law suggested as he cracked eggs onto Holden's head, causing egg yolk to spill all over Holden's hair and Ramones' T-shirt.

"I look so sexy now that I am covered in egg yolks. I should take a long, soapy shower," Holden droned.

"I want you to have this," Sabo said as he handed Ace a Jack-in-the-box.

"Bueno," Ace said as he turned the crank on the Jack-in-the-box. Instead of a toy popping out of the box, a punching glove popped out of the box and punched Ace in the face. (Hey, that rhymes)

When Ace awoke the next morning, all of the food was gone, the television was tuned in to an episode of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Sanji was passed out and hanging upside down from the ceiling, a goat was eating some brownies in the corner, and an infestation of lice broke out on the Moby Dick.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Gawd, the last ten words of this chapter sounded VERY VERY WRONG in context.

**Review if you want to see Spandam own a pet box, Crocodile's Farmville addiction (who says that Jean Bart can be the only One Piece character with a Farmville addiction?), or if you want to see Kalifa on a sugar high.**


	31. The Obligatory Halloween Chapter

**Author's Note: **Happy Halloween, everyone! I hope you're all cosplaying as your favorite characters from your favorite fandoms, eating tons of candy, and having fun! As for me, my Halloween cosplay is Strong World!Zoro (the formal outfit he wears during the fight toward the end of the movie), and I am ready to party! Yosh! Let's begin this!

**Note: Due to some... Recent developments in the One Piece manga and a leaked image of the cover of the new manga cover in Japan, Jinbei will be grouped with the Straw Hats and not with the Shichibukai from here on out. If these developments prove to be false, I will edit this fanfic as it would be needed.**

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. Please note that this is this fanfic's take on Halloween celebrations, which means tons of crack.**

* * *

><p>It was Halloween night on the Grand Line, and your authoress thought that it was time to celebrate, "<strong>The DysFUNctional Pirates<strong>"-style!

"About damn time!" Gareth - who was cosplaying as a Ginjika Sudowoodo - proclaimed as the Capricorns were setting the Hyperion up for a Halloween party. Why were they hosting the Halloween party? Because Whitebeard would sue somebody if another party was held on the Moby Dick.

"Does anybody know where I put the Mardi Gras beads?" Sebastian - who was dressed as a nerd (or a hipster) - asked everyone.

"Wrong holiday, obscure being of Williamsburg," Rubio - who was dressed as T-Pain - said as he began decorating a Christmas tree.

"Speak for yourself, Rubio. You're decorating a Christmas tree," Aria - who was cosplaying as a Japanese yakuza member - stated as she assembled a station for making valentines. Hatori (who lost a bet and now has to cosplay as Maria from _The Sound of Music_) sighed as he hid some Easter eggs.

"Who told me to hide these? It's October," Hatori said. Then, Yuki-Rin - who was cosplaying as Professor Stein from Soul Eater - sensed something.

"I can sense a disturbance in the force from a mile away," Yuki-Rin said. Molly - who was dressed as that lead boy from the "Irish Anime" The Secret of Kells - and Hana - who was cosplaying as Anri from Durarara! - shook their heads.

"Where's mah Masaomi and Mikado?" Hana yelled.

"Cool it, girl," Maki-chan - who was cosplaying as fem!England from Hetalia - advised the Anri cosplayer.

"Speak for yourself. I mean, where's Kartik?" Karin - who was dressed as a Playboy bunny - asked everyone. Then, the main overture from _Phantom of the Opera_ began playing.

"Oh, my God! I love that musical! All we need now are for Kartik and Matsu to make a dynamic entry!" Yuki-Rin said.

"They're right here," Holden - who was cosplaying as Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji - said as he pointed to Kartik - who was Erik, A.K.A., the Phantom of the Opera - and Matsu, who was cosplaying as Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

"Is my costume a joke?" Sadie angrily asked everyone, because she was Katie Holmes for Halloween.

"I picked it out myself. Next year, we can have Dewey be Suri Cruise and I can be Tom Cruise," Blaise, who was dressed as a pimp, explained. Then, the music ended as Isabella stepped (or floated) into the room. She wasn't Erik or Raoul or even Meg Giry. Instead...

Isabella was Rick Astley.

"Oh, dear lord!" Kartik cried, remembering all the fun he had looking for the Phantom of the Opera in Las Vegas.

"Hey, your costumes could be worse," Z.G. said as he motioned to himself, Drusilla, Showtarou, Thierry, Yulia, and Akari. Z.G. was a cop, Drusilla was Posh Spice, Showtarou was a (winning) Charlie Sheen, Thierry was a box of boxed wine, Yulia was Yulia of the pop duo t.A.T.u., and Akari was Natalie Portman's role in the movie Black Swan.

"Oh, my God! Where's Mila Kunis?" Ageha (who was Walpurgisnacht from Madoka Magica) and Dewey (who was Nnoitra from Bleach) screamed.

"Wait... Akari's Natalie Portman's role in Black Swan?" Soren - who was cosplaying as Fran from Katekyo Hitman Reborn - screamed. In the corner, Kaoru (who was Fu Manchu) and Mikuri (who was the Vocaloid Kamui Gakupo) were trying to break up a fight between Yuki-Rin and Aki, who was dressed as Audrey Hepburn's role in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's is way more glamorous than Scott Pilgrim!" Aki cried.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's sucks! They don't even have the Vegan Police!" Yuki-Rin cried. Mina (who was Mina Murray-Harker from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and Sayuki (who was Sayuri from Memoirs of a Geisha) facepalmed.

"Get on with the party already!" Sayuki yelled, even though Enlai (who was Lelouch) and Wolfgang (who was Steve Jobs) were arguing. Then, the music began.

_Tonight, we're going hard_  
><em>Just like the world is ours<em>  
><em>We're tearin' it apart<em>  
><em>You know, we're superstars<em>  
><em>We R who we R!<em>

_We're dancing like we're dumb_  
><em>Our bodies go numb<em>  
><em>We'll be forever young<em>  
><em>You know, we're superstars<em>  
><em>We R who we R<em>

Kazuma, Heathcliffe, and Daisuke entered the room. Kazuma was cosplaying as Date Masamune from Sengoku Basara, Heathcliffe was cosplaying as Tyki Mikk from D. Gray-man, and Daisuke was cosplaying as Lena from the Russian pop duo t.A.T.u. Many fangirls screamed, since three sexually appealing and/or awesome teenaged boys were in sexy and/or awesome cosplays.

"Kyaaaa! Sarutobi-kun looks so handsome!" Aki fangirled as she glomped Heathcliffe. Heathcliffe then kissed Aki.

"Get a room!" A fair majority of the Capricorns yelled. Heathcliffe just gave them a dirty look.

"Why can't I make out with my girlfriend?" Heathcliffe asked everyone.

"Why can't I own a Canadian?" Wolfgang asked everyone. Everyone grew silent, expecting anwsers on why you can't own a Canadian.

"I think the real question here is this; Why can't we all own Canadians?" Ageha asked everyone. The entire Capricorn crew cheered.

"Now, let's sing some Halloween songs!" Yuki-Rin sang. Then, a familiar song began playing, which meant that Heathcliffe and his brothers began rocking out.

"_Don't want to be an American idiot._  
><em>Don't want a nation under the new media<em>  
><em>And can you hear the sound of hysteria?<em>  
><em>The subliminal mind<em> -" Heathcliffe sang before Kartik cut the power to the Hyperion with a pair of hedge clippers.

"What kind of Halloween song is that?" Kartik asked the Sarutobi siblings.

"It's by Green Day! Don't diss them!" Heathcliffe said.

"This makes me wonder if we're going to do actual Halloween stuff," Hana commented.

"Trick or Treat!"

The Straw Hats entered, all in cosplays of various Shonen Jump anime characters. Luffy was Toriko, Zoro was Switch, Nami was Kagura, Usopp was Captain Kyoraku, Sanji was Belphegor, Chopper was Timcampy, Robin was Kurenai, Franky was Bossun, Brook was the Millennium Earl, and Jinbei was cosplaying as "Good Night" Shimokawa.

"Wow. Not a single Dragon Ball character. Pretentious much, Straw Hats?" Kazuma thought to himself. Thierry put a bottle of whiskey into Luffy's candy bag.

"Sugoi! I got soda!" Luffy said. Nami hit Thierry with the bottle of booze he just gave Luffy.

"Are you drunk? You just gave our underaged captain alcohol!" Nami asked Thierry.

"I'm just buzzed!" Thierry defended before drinking from a carton of eggnog.

"Right... Let's go, guys," Nami said. "Guys, we're going!"

The Straw Hats were too busy, as Luffy was eating some of the fried chicken Sebastian made for the Halloween party, Zoro was looking for the exit, Usopp was drawing a giant picture of Orihime from Bleach, Sanji was trying to cup-a-feel on Aki as Heathcliffe tried to slash him with his scythe, Chopper was conversing with Ajax in a dark corner, Robin was discussing books with Kartik and Matsu, Franky was drinking all of the Capricorns' cola, Brook was teaching Holden how to play "Bink's Saké", "We Are", and all of the Songs to Wear Pants To on bass guitar, and Jinbei was pouring himself a beer.

"Actually, we were invited to this party," Zoro stated. Nami just rolled her eyes.

"Booze?" Thierry asked Nami as he nudged a bottle of absinthe toward her.

"OMG, hell yes!" Nami said before drinking the entire bottle.

"Hey, sharing is caring!" Thierry cried.

"Trick or treat!"

"We don't want any Girl Scout cookies!" Franky yelled.

"I think those are our next guests," Yuki-Rin said. True to her word, the rest of the Supernovas entered. Bonney and Law were hipsters, Hawkins was a pwetty, pwetty princess, Kidd was Freddy Kruger, Killer was The Man in the Iron Mask, Apoo was Kanye West, Capone was the Godfather, X. Drake was a dinosaur, and Urouge was Peter Pan.

"Welcome, Supernovas!" Yuki-Rin said before she hugged all of them.

"Gawd, what a fangirl," Maki-chan commented.

"Trick or treat!"

The Shichibukai entered, and the Supernovas and Straw Hats laughed. Why? Because Crocodile was cosplaying as Kazuma, Hancock was cosplaying as Aki, Doflamingo was cosplaying as Kartik, Mihawk was cosplaying as Heathcliffe, Moria was cosplaying as Kaoru, Kuma was cosplaying as Enlai, and Blackbeard was cosplaying as Hana.

"What the hell? Why is Blackbeard cosplaying as ME?" Hana cried before she threw up into the bucket where the ice and drinks were being kept.

"Luffy-sama - Whoops, I meant, Heathcliffe-sama!" Hancock yelled before she glomped Mihawk and kissed him all over. Mihawk's face turned very red and Aki and Heathcliffe sweatdropped.

"This is degrading," Aki said sadly.

"Yes, it is," Heathcliffe said as he pulled Aki closer to him.

"Bro, this party sucks. Can we go trick-or-treating now?" Holden asked his fraternal twin.

"We will in a second," Heathcliffe said.

"Trick or treat!"

The final guests arrived, and they were the CP9, all dressed as Yu-Gi-Oh characters. Lucci was Joey, Kalifa was Téa, Kaku was Tristian, Blueno was Yugi, Jyabura was Duke Devlin, Fukurou was Rebecca Hawkins' Satanic teddy bear, Kumadori was Marik, and Spandam was Seto Kaiba.

"My voice gives me super strength!" Kaku proclaimed. The CP9, Capricorns, Shichibukai, Straw Hats, and Supernovas turned to the screen to face the audience.

"Happy Halloween from all of us in "The DysFUNctional Pirates" and "One Piece: Parallel Works"!" The group said.

"Feliz Dia de los Muertos!" Yuki-Rin said.

"What's that?" Kazuma asked Yuki-Rin.

"Google it," Yuki-Rin anwsered like she was Megurine Luka.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Happy Halloween AND Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertos), my readers!<strong>

**Review if you want to see the Capricorns celebrate Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Leif Ericsson day. Hinga dinga durgen!**


	32. Happy Birthday, Zoro!

**Author's Note: **Happy birthday to our favorite Marimo, Zoro! Let us all get lost and argue with the Sanji fangirls today in celebration!

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece.**

* * *

><p>Wolfgang sighed as he closed his laptop. This prank war he declared against Enlai five seconds ago was going to be awesome!<p>

"I cut up the hammock!" Isabella said as she got out some hedge clippers.

"Brilliant! Then, we'll put sleeping pills in his food and –" Wolfgang said before Daisuke's screaming cut her off.

"Almond Joy!" Daisuke screamed, for he was the one who fell through the hammock Isabella cut up.

"Dude…" Heathcliffe commented, looking at the injured Daisuke.

"Is he dead? Is he dead? Is he dead?" Yulia asked the Capricorns excitedly. Daisuke threw a Twix bar at her.

"Bitch, you need a moment," Daisuke said before brushing himself off and leaving. Gareth, Kazuma, and Heathcliffe followed after him, like little duckings following after a drunk Akatsuki member going to Hooters.

"Just where do you think you're going?" Hana asked the four.

"Wherever we feel like! Gosh!" Kazuma said like Napoleon Dynamite.

"Have fun. We're gonna try and get Heathcliffe on Queer Eye while you're gone," Hana explained.

"The what now?" Heathcliffe asked, stopping his make-out session with Aki. Hana facepalmed.

"We're all supposed to go to Zoro's birthday party!" Hana said.

"_Say what you mean, tell me I'm right. And, let the sun rain down on me. Give me a sign, I wanna believe! Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh, Mona Lisa, you're_ –" Kazuma sang before Hana cut him off.

"Say what you mean, but, singing "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" WILL NOT get you out of going," Hana explained.

"But, Zoro is manlier than me, and it's not fair!" Kazuma sobbed.

"OMG! Kazuma is having a manliness inferiority complex? No way!" Yuki-Rin cried. "I think it's time for Italy's hug therapy!"

Yuki-Rin then hugged Kazuma.

"Chigi!" Kazuma cried.

"Byhohohohohohohohohoho! Cuuuuuute!" Hana said like she was Spain.

"Kesesesesesesesesesesese," Daisuke laughed like he was Prussia.

"Kolkolkol," Ageha laughed like she was Russia. Everyone elese ran away.

"Well, fine then!" Ageha said. Five hours later, Zoro was lost on the island this one-shot will take place on.

"Man! Dartboard Brow told me to walk five feet to 7-11, and, now I'm completely lost! Fuck you, Dartboard Brow!" Zoro said before heading into a park and away from a 7-11. "Not again!"

Zoro then approached the Straw Hats, the Capricorns, the Supernovas, the Shichibukai, the CP9, Smoker, Perona, and Tashigi, who had a party set up.

"Oi, Luffy, what the hell is going on here?" Zoro asked Luffy.

"Surprise! Happy birthday, Zoro!" Everyone else said.

"Well… I… Uhh… I dropped the screw in the tuna!" Zoro sobbed.

"Tuna? What tuna?" Nami asked Zoro. Everyone began laughing.

"I dropped the screw in the tuna!" Zoro sobbed. Only, Brook, Lucci, Spandam, and Apoo laughed. "I dropped the screw in Heathcliffe's tuna, and, now he's probably gonna need surgery!"

"I could arrange for that," Law said.

"Aww, hell naw," Everyone but Zoro and Law said.

"I didn't mean it! Don't take me to jail, man!" Zoro sobbed.

"I won't. Now, please shut up," Lucci said. Zoro crawled over to Heathcliffe and hugged his waist.

"Are we still bros? I love you, man!" Zoro sobbed. Heathcliffe sweatdropped.

"Zoro, this has nothing to do with tuna. This is your birthday party," Nami explained.

"My… Birthday party?" Zoro asked everyone as he fell down.

"Sugoi! Zoro's planking!" Luffy shouted.

"Teach me how to plank, Zoro!" Chopper said.

"Wow, the Marimo's brain must be as small as that screw dropped in the tuna," Sanji commented. Zoro pimp-slapped him.

"Shut the [bleep] up!" Zoro yelled. Robin just sighed because she used to be Miss All-Sunday.

"It can't be helped. Bushido-san, how about you open your presents?" Robin suggested.

"Presents? All I asked for was booze, sword polish, and more booze," Zoro cried. Kartik andMatsugave Zoro his first present of the day. Zoro opened it, revealing a stack of books that just came out and became best sellers.

"_The Marriage Plot_?_ Damned_? _Beautiful Days_? D. Gray-man volume 21? The fuck? Are you guys trying to give me some sort of message?" Zoro asked the two.

"Nope. That was just Chuck Testa," Kartik explained.

"_Even Kartik Abingdon – who has a stick shoved so far up his ass, it comes out of his mouth – knows who Chuck Testa is? I must be REALLY drunk_," Zoro thought to himself. "Uhh… Thank you. These books will match the curtains in my room."

Nami laughed nervously.

"Zoro, you have no curtains in your room," Nami said nervously as she gave Zoro a box. Zoro opened it up, and inside, there was booze.

"Sweet. Thanks, Nami," Zoro said before drinking all of the booze. Two minutes later…

"Am I Catholic or Protestant? God, I don't know!" Zoro slurred, as he was VERY drunk.

"Hey! You're not England!" Nami pointed out.

"And, you're not Kevjumba the Heterosexual Bear Wrestler," Holden pointed out. A rimshot was heard in the background.

"Nice going, Angela Lansberry, but, no dice," Nami stated.

"This isn't over," Holden said to Nami.

"Touché," Nami said. Everyone "oohed".

"What a badass mother-" Perona commented before Chopper cut her off.

"Shut yo' mouth!" Chopper yelled to Perona. Everyone sighed.

"Can we just cut the cake now?" Lucci asked everyone as he pulled out a Sgt. Frog-themed cake.

"Oh, my God! I want a Sgt. Frog cake for my birthday!" Yuki-Rin said.

"Your birthday isn't for another few months," Kazuma stated.

"Kazuma, be quiet. If Aki can have a Breakfast at Tiffany's-themed cake, if Kaoru can have a Dracula-themed cake, and if Enlai can have an Enter the Dragon-themed cake, why can't I have a Sgt. Frog-themed cake?" Yuki-Rin asked Kazuma.

"Well, you have a point," Kazuma said.

"Then, why didn't Sebastian give me a Jackass-themed birthday cake for my birthday?" Daisuke asked everyone.

"Probably because you are a Jackass," All of the Capricorns but Daisuke said. They laughed.

"Well, that wasn't very nice!" Daisuke said. Zoro approached him.

"Oi, take these book. I'm obviously not a girl, not living in the 1920's, not the child of a wealthy man, and not attracted to any males or females in these books," Zoro said before handing all the books he got from Robin (which were the same ones Kartik and Matsu gave him) to Daisuke.

"Uhh… Well… I… I dropped the screw in the tuna!" Daisuke yelled. Everyone facepalmed.

"Not again!" The Capricorns and the Straw Hats said.

"Well, then, time for some cake!" Smoker said as he lit the candles.

"_Happy birthday to_ –" Everyone sang before Zoro walked away.

"Oi, I'm going back to the Sunny to take a nap. We can schedule this at a later date," Zoro said as he walked away. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Well, then… Uhh… Go home. Oh, and don't drop screws in people's tuna!" Smoker said to everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Moral of the story: Don't drop screws in people's tuna.

**Review if you want to see Ace drop a screw in Akainu's tuna, X. Drake take ballet lessons, or if you want to see Doflamingo run his own hotel.**


	33. Epic Thanksgiving Meal Time!

**Author's Note: **Happy Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Buy Nothing Day (a real holiday) to everyone! Here's Thanksgiving, "**The DysFUNctional Pirates**" style. Also, there's an important author's note at the end. So... Let's let our hosts for this Thanksgiving event take it away!

**Holden, Daisuke, and Gareth: Your authoress does not own One Piece or Epic Meal Time!**

* * *

><p>It was Thanksgiving Day on the Hyperion, as our resident <em>Phantom of the Opera<em> Phan, Kartik Abingdon, was browsing Craigslist, even though he's too sophisticated for Craigslist.

"Yes! _Phantom of the Opera_ 25th anniversary edition, here I come!" Kartik said. Then, the Phantom of the Opera came up from behind. "Oh, my God! It's Erik!"

The Phantom removed his mask. No, he wasn't Rick Astley or Justin Bieber, but… Chuck Testa.

"Nope! Just Chuck Testa!" Chuck Testa said before he walked away. Kartik sighed.

"I'm sad now," Kartik told the audience. Robin popped out of nowhere.

"You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure," Robin explained in a French accent before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

"I've got the answer! It's 'your mom'!" Holden said. Yuki-Rin bitch-slapped him.

"Great, Holden, now you wrecked what Inception stands for – classiness, not skankiness," Yuki-Rin explained.

"It's not my fault Mal is a possessive, insane bitch. I mean, she tried to kill Ariadne, who is a stone-cold fox," Holden stated. Yuki-Rin laughed very hard, since Ariadne is her favorite Inception character. Then, Kanda from D. Gray-man entered. He was dressed as a stripper.

"Wait… This isn't the set of _High School Musical_. Never mind," Kanda said before he left. The Hyperion then magically turned into one of those sets for informercials that take place in kitchens. Everyone but Gareth, Daisuke, and Holden sat in the audience. Enlai, Kalifa, and Franky sat at a long table in the front row.

"Anyway, I'm Daisuke Saburo!" Daisuke introduced himself to the audience, which only consisted of the CP9, the Straw Hats, and the Capricorns.

"I'm Holden Sarutobi," Holden introduced himself to the audience.

"That's mah boy!" Jyabura drunkenly yelled.

"And, I'm Gareth Archer," Gareth introduced himself to the audience.

"And, we're –" Daisuke, Gareth, and Holden said before Yulia cut them off.

"A hippie that can turn into a tree, an over-sexed pretty-boy, and a complete idiot!" Yulia yelled. Daisuke gave her the finger – a finger sandwich, that is.

"Anyway, welcome to Epic Meal Time!" Daisuke said.

"Bacon strips, and bacon strips, and bacon strips, and bacon strips, and bacon strips, and bacon strips," Lucci chanted.

"Tonight, in honor of Thanksgiving, we are going to make Thanksgiving dinner epic!" Holden explained

"What about manly?" Kazuma asked from the audience.

"Shut up, boy," Kalifa told him. Kazuma pouted.

"You're no fun," Kazuma stated. Holden got out a turkey, which was already made.

"Hey, that's cheating!" Sanji yelled from the audience.

"Just be quiet, woman, and let the man do his thing!" Gareth yelled as Holden put some mayonnaise on the turkey. Holden then shot the turkey with his guns.

"The fuck are you doing, Holden? We're supposed to feed these people!" Gareth asked as he motioned to Enlai, Kalifa, and Franky, who were going to taste-test the food before everyone else.

"Do I get paid for this?" Enlai asked the audience. Wolfgang threw a ham at Enlai, but, Holden caught it.

"And, now, we're gonna do bad things to this ham!" Holden announced. Only five people clapped.

"Clap on! Clap off! Clap on, clap off The Clapper!" Kumadori, Luffy, Usopp, Kaku, and Thierry – the only five people who clapped – chanted. Kartik stood up.

"Please ignore all references to STDs made by anybody because of the previous spoken line. Thank you," Kartik said before sitting back down. The lights flickered on and off.

"Hey! My cell phone just died!" Z.G. cried. Our Epic Meal Time hosts couldn't hear him, since Holden was dyeing the mashed potatoes blue, Gareth was shucking corn onto a roll cake, and Daisuke was putting bagels in the oven.

"Needs more booze!" Thierry drunkenly yelled from the audience.

"We can't! We're under the drinking age!" Gareth yelled as he put on a hair net.

"Why are you wearing that?" Holden asked Gareth.

"Because I like cookies," Gareth answered as he flipped his hand, since his hair wasn't long enough to flip. Holden then got out a bag of cookies and began to eat some.

"Uhh… Holden, don't you need those?" Yuki-Rin asked Holden.

"Nonsense! It's Epic Meal Time!" Holden said as he pulled out a loaf of bread. Thierry jumped up, because, according to Weird Al Yankovic, beer is liquid bread.

"Beer!" Thierry cried before he was taken away by Perona, who was dressed as a cop.

"Yeah! Show me your panties!" Brook yelled. Perona tazed the poor skeleton.

"Ouch! I just felt a tingle go up my spine! But, I have no spine, since I'm a skeleton. Yohohohohohohohohohohoho! Skull Joke!" Brook said, because what Thanksgiving oneshot for One Piece would be complete without a Skull Joke?

"Anyway, since we're letting our Epic Thanksgiving Meal bake in a small toaster oven, my crew will say what they are thankful for and stuff… Yeah, something like that," Holden said.

"Warning – May cause diabetes and Cute Overload," Buggy – the announcer – said offscreen.

"I am thankful for my awesomeauce crew, my handsome and sexy boyfriend – A.K.A., Kazuma Miyafuji -, anime, and a whole bunch of other stuff I'm too lazy to list," Yuki-Rin said.

"I'm thankful for me home country of Ireland, despite the fact that there is no Ireland in the world of this fanfic. I'm also thankful for me sister, rugby, Manchester United, Flogging Molly, and The Tossers," Molly said.

"I'm thankful for contact lenses, which, sadly, I don't have," Hatori said with a sad sigh.

"I'm thankful for Fall Out Boy, Blink-182, All Time Low, Panic! At the Disco, The Academy Is…, All-American Rejects, Good Charlotte, Green Day, Sum 41, Yellowcard, Bowling for Soup, Hawthorne Heights, Simple Plan, Black Veil Brides, My Bloody Valentine, AFI, The Killers, Breaking Benjamin, Rage Against the Machine, Three Days Grace, System of a Down, 30 Seconds to Mars, My Chemical Romance, Tokio Hotel, Radiohead –" Heathcliffe said before Holden cut him off.

"Bro, that's too many bands. Cut it off," Holden said. Heathcliffe sighed.

"I'm also really thankful for Hot Topic. And, the thing I'm thankful for the most BESIDES anything having to do with punk rock, horror movies, and junk food? My awesome brothers, Holden and Soren, and Aki, my beautiful girlfriend," Heathcliffe said, hugging his brothers and girlfriend. Everyone "aww"-ed.

"I'm thankful that I can troll those three," Isabella said as she pointed to the Sarutobi siblings.

"I'm thankful for three things – Yuki-Rin, swords, and, most of all, being a man," Kazuma said.

"I'm thankful for all of the fine literature, operas, and plays that we have gotten over the years, and I am also thankful for all of my fellow crewmembers," Kartik said.

"I'm thankful for Kartik Abingdon, who is a sexy beast!" Karin shouted.

"I am also thankful for Kartik, the opera, plays, and literature," Matsu said.

"I'm thankful for being a government assassin before I got fired. Now, I'm thankful for sounding like Vic Mingnogna," Z.G. said. (1)

"I'm thankful for Z.G. and Karin, who should get married and file papers to get custody rights for me," Drusilla said.

"Just what are you planning?" Z.G. asked Drusilla.

"I'm thankful that those guys over there were hired to kill my mom. She was a bitch," Maki-chan said as she pointed to the CP5.

"I'm thankful for yaoi!" Hana said.

"I'm –" Aria said before Gareth cut her off.

"Sorry, but, we're running out of time, so, let us hosts say what we're thankful for," Gareth said. "I'm thankful for my green pimp coat. And, yes, I do wash it."

"I'm thankful for all the times Yulia doesn't try to kill me," Daisuke said. "*Cough*And I'm also thankful for my shanking knife*Cough*."

"I'm thankful for The Ramones, Fall Out Boy, Blink-182, All Time Low, Panic! At the Disco, The Academy Is…, All-American Rejects, Good Charlotte, Green Day, Sum 41, Yellowcard, Bowling for Soup, Hawthorne Heights, Simple Plan, Black Veil Brides, My Bloody Valentine, AFI, The Killers, Breaking Benjamin, Rage Against the Machine, Three Days Grace, System of a Down, 30 Seconds to Mars, My Chemical Romance, Tokio Hotel, Radiohead, and many other punk bands, especially The Ramones," Holden said. Soren facepalmed.

"You basically said the same thing as Heathcliffe!" Soren yelled.

"You said The Ramones –" Heathcliffe pointed out before Holden cut him off.

"Besides all of these awesome bands, I am also thankful for my older brother, Soren, who helped me get to this crew. And, my baby brother, Heathcliffe, who does practially everything with me when he's not snogging his girlfriend," Holden explained. Everyone "aww"-ed.

"Get a room!" Chopper yelled from the audience. All of the Capricorns then hugged each other, which meant that enemies like Enlai and Wolfgang, Yulia and Daisuke, and Kartik and Karin had to hug each other.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Buy Nothing Day!" The Capricorns said.

"Hey, guys, do you smell something burning?" Yuki-Rin asked everyone.

"I think it's in your head," Holden said as the Capricorns walked off, revealing one toaster oven on fire.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - Inside joke, since my dream voice actor for Z.G. is Vic Mingnogna.<strong>

**Important Author's Note: This fic may go on hiatus until after Christmas. Now, don't get mad, since it may get put on hiatus. Why? Because...**

**This fanfic is getting a Christmas spin-off titled "The DysFUNctional Christmas". Twenty-five chapters of cracky, Christmas fun with your favorite One Piece/"One Piece: Parallel Works" pirates.**

**Review if you want to see Christmas shenanigans such as the CP9 settling the frontier during Christmas, your favorite (and crackiest) pairings under a mistletoe, and Zoro ending up on the Polar Express.**


	34. Party in the Local Park

**Author's Note: **Well, I managed to make a new chapter of this fic, which is supposed to be on hiatus.

**Attention: All of my fics have a chance of being on hiatus for some time. My laptop broke on me and my dad brought it to a family friend to get it fixed. I don't know if my files will be deleted or saved, since it's problems in the hard drive. For now, I will back up my fanfics onto my parents' computer and a flash drive and hope for the best. In the mean time...**

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda still owns One Piece.**

* * *

><p>"Luffy, time to go!" Zoro called out, as the Straw Hats were preparing to go out. Luffy then joined his crew.<p>

"_Just keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love_ - Wrong song," Luffy sang. Everyone grew silent.

"Bleeding Ears ~Seppuku Act~," Zoro commented as casually as if he were saying "tl;dr". On the Hyperion...

"It's time to eat, time to eat! Fill my belly, time to eat!" Isabella chanted.

"Cool yo jets, gurl," Daisuke ordered. Isabella said nothing and bitch-slapped him.

"Next on Maury: Demon Isabella, swords, love triangles," Yuki-Rin said. Then, the Capricorns found themselves on the Maury Povitch show.

"Kaoru Kimura and Holden Sarutobi... You AREN'T the parents," Crocodile - in the role of Maury - said. Holden and Kaoru high-fived.

"No, no, no. Just no," Enlai said. Wolfgang slapped him across the face, Mexican standoff-style, causing most of the Capricorns to get into a massive fight.

"Make love, not war!" Alec proclaimed. Then, the Capricorn males began doing the dance in the video for the Beatmania IIDX song "Daisuke".

"The video is sex," Isabella commented, slightly drooling.

"You know, this is one of those songs that make you giddy like a little schoolgirl," Hana added.

"I'm giddy like a schoolgirl, since I've been waiting TOO DAMN LONG for our male crew members to dance to this song!" Yuki-Rin said like a giddy schoolgirl. The males ended their dance.

"tl;dr," Isabella stated.

"You suck!" Daisuke yelled. A few minutes later, the Straw Hats arrived at a big park, where several picnics and parties were going on.

"Brook, are you going to leave me?" Franky asked. He was crying oil tears, as he is a cyborg.

"Cool! How can you do that, Franky?" Luffy asked Franky.

"Well, I -" Franky said before a "ding" cut him off. "Dinner's ready!"

Franky pulled a meatloaf out of his stomach. The Capricorns, who were walking by, sweatdropped, save for Kartik, who knew Franky.

"What? How did - How is that - Do you - Nvr mnd," Enlai said with a sigh. The Capricorns and Straw Hats then sat down in awkward silence.

"So... Now what?" Luffy asked everyone. The silence resumed.

"I think we need to read this," Hana said, getting out instructions for assembling IKEA furniture. The Capricorns and Straw Hats bent down to look at it.

"What the hell is that?" Heathcliffe asked, pointing to some rod-thingy.

"I think it's a piece of meat!" Luffy said. Nami gave him a dirty look.

"Ask Franky, bitch," Nami stated. A few minutes later...

"We're done!" Kartik announced, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"See, Kartik, it didn't even take fourty-five minutes!" Franky pointed out.

"And, here I thought we would need some help from Usopp," Kartik added.

"Yeah! Usopp's the man to help get the job done! Right, Usopp-aniki?" Franky asked Usopp, who began to sweat.

"Guys... Please, don't go there. Just... No," Usopp pointed out.

"Well, Kartik and I already did, and the rewards couldn't be better," Franky pointed out before sticking his tongue out at Usopp.

"I wish Iceburg could've come and seen us. He'd be proud of us," Kartik said.

"I don't think he'd be impressed. After all, you've got that sexy stalker of yours, AND that black-haired girl that always hangs around you," Franky pointed out.

"Well, I was never attracted to Karin," Kartik said, nervously rubbing the back of his head.

"Uhh... Guys, you're making this sound much more inappropriate than it is in context," Yuki-Rin pointed out.

"Oh, come on, girlie! Kartik did it with his glasses on!" Franky pointed out. Kartik blushed.

"Franky, please. We were just doing what the manual said," Kartik said.

"You mean the Kama Sutra?" Kazuma asked.

"How in the [Iron Chef Guanzhou] does he know what that is?" Sanji cried.

"Wikipedia," Kazuma said with a troll face. Yuki-Rin facepalmed.

"You're not helping!" Yuki-Rin cried before she kissed Kazuma on the lips. Franky and Kartik stepped aside to reveal that they were building an entire IKEA living room set.

"Sugoi! I want to watch T.V!" Luffy said. Unfortunately, he put the T.V. on the music video to Rihanna's song "S&M".

"Luffy! Turn that off!" Everyone else said. Luffy changed it to an episode of Wife Swap.

"Hell yeah! I love that show!" Yuki-Rin said as she sat down on the couch, which collapsed.

"What in the name of Jane Austen?" Kartik cried.

"What in the name of Jane's Austen's "Mafia"!" Franky cried.

"What in the name of all of today's top economists?" Nami cried.

"What in the name of Wolfgang Puck?" Sanji cried.

"What in the name of Joey Ramone?" Holden cried.

"What in the name of Joey Fatone?" Jinbei cried.

"What in the name of Lance Bass?" Kazuma cried.

"What in the name of shut the hell up already, guys?" Nami cried. The pirates grew silent.

"What did we come here for again?" Zoro asked Nami, who facepalmed.

"Let's just go back to the ship," Nami said before the Straw Hats left. The Capricorns grew silent.

"Now what?" Yuki-Rin asked her crew.

"_Bad Horse_  
><em>Bad Horse<em>  
><em>Bad Horse<em>  
><em>Bad Horse<em>

_He rides across the nation_  
><em>The thoroughbred of sin<em>  
><em>He got the application<em>  
><em>You just sent in<em>

_It needs evaluation_  
><em>So, let the games begin<em>  
><em>A heinous crime, a show of force<em>  
><em>A murder would be nice, of course<em>

_Bad Horse_  
><em>Bad Horse<em>  
><em>Bad Horse<em>  
><em>He's Bad<em>

_The Evil League of Evil_  
><em>Is watching, so beware<em>  
><em>The grade that you receive<em>  
><em>Will be your last, we swear<em>

_So, make the Bad Horse gleeful_  
><em>Or he'll make you his mare<em>

_Get/You're saddled up_  
><em>There's no recourse<em>  
><em>It's Hi-Ho Silver<em>  
><em>Signed Bad Horse<em>," Mina, Gareth, Enlai, and Karin sang. The rest of the Capricorns sweatdropped.

"If you need me, i'll be watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog," Yuki-Rin said, leaving the rest of her crew behind. The crew grew silent, save for a stage hand coughing backstage.

"What about us?" Kazuma cried.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see unseeable things like Crocodile dressed in a chicken suit, Mihawk making balloon animals, and Dr. Kureha as Wonder Woman.<strong>


	35. Happy Belated Birthday, Chopper!

**Author's Note:** And, this fic is off of its obligatory holiday hiatus since the obligatory holiday spin-off of this fic had to be updated.

Also, happy belated birthdays to Ace, Chopper, and, most importantly, Oda-sensei.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or any Cobra Starship songs.**

* * *

><p>It was a few days after Chopper's birthday, and the Capricorns were preparing to leave the Hyperion for Chopper's belated birthday party.<p>

"Why the fuck are we going to a party FOR A REINDEER?" Heathcliffe asked everyone.

"It was his birthday SIX DAYS AGO. We've gotta cut the poor guy some slack, since his birthday was on CHRISTMAS EVE," Yuki-Rin pointed out.

"Guys, why are we putting TOO MUCH EMPHASIS on WORDS?" Hana asked the two.

"BECAUSE IF WE DON'T, THEY WILL FIND YOU," Enlai explained, putting emphasis on each word.

"Who's THEY?" Soren asked Enlai. Hana facepalmed.

"Guys, please shut the Fullmetal Alchemist up already," Hana requested.

"Ooh! Let's get Chopper that!" Yuki-Rin said.

"No, Yuki-Rin, we're getting Chopper Madoka Magica," Hana said.

"Do you want to scare Chopper? That series would put a grown man in therapy!" Yuki-Rin explained. Hana facepalmed.

"Okay, how about Senkou no Night Raid AND a Shinee CD?" Hana offered.

"We have a deal!" Yuki-Rin said as stuff blew up in the background, since there wasn't enough crack in this one-shot. The rest of the Capricorns were too busy watching the explosions.

"Oooh…. Pwetty colors!" Kartik, Matsu, Kaoru, Mina, Ageha, Thierry, Mikuri, Sayuki, and Blaise said.

"And THEY'RE supposed to be the responsible adults?" Sadie asked the rest of the Capricorns. Hana slapped her with a fish, a la Monty Python.

"Please stop putting emphasis on words, guys," Hana pleaded with puppy dog eyes and uke sparkles. An hour later, Chopper arrived at the backyard of some mansion.

"I just hope that my massage therapist is here. She's a stone-cold fox," Chopper said as he entered the backyard, where the Straw Hats, Capricorns, and Supernovas had a children's birthday party set up.

"Surprise! Happy belated birthday, Chopper!" The pirates said. Chopper grew silent.

"Shut the hell up, guys, really! I know that this is an act of kindness, but you've gone too damn far, you awesome peoples!" Chopper angrily yelled as he danced.

"Uhh… Luffy-ya, is Chopper-ya on crack?" Law asked Luffy. Because the authoress felt like it, Law had the voice of a little girl for this one line only.

"Uhh… I think he's on Charlie Sheen!" Luffy answered.

"Luffy, what's Charlie Sheen?" Chopper asked. Everyone sweatdropped.

"You don't know who Charlie Sheen is?" Yuki-Rin cried.

"For shame!" Kazuma added.

"Isn't he bipolar?" Chopper innocently asked Kazuma.

"He's bi-winning, bitch!" Kazuma yelled. Chopper began to cry.

"You made Chopper cry, you bastard!" Chopper yelled.

"Since when do you refer to yourself in third person?" Nami asked Chopper.

"…IDK," Chopper said with a trolling face. The Straw Hats facepalmed.

"Well, it's time for cake!" Nami announced as she pulled out a large, white-frosted cake with chocolate sauce and sprinkles.

"No, Nami, the cake is a lie!" The males yelled. Chopper turned sad, so very, very sad.

"_Soooooooooooo sad_!" Chopper sang. Only Heathcliffe and his brothers applauded with confusion. "Thank you. This next song is called 'We Hate You, Please Die'."

"Sugoi! I love that song!" Luffy said.

"I don't think he's gonna sing it. Go home, little man," Heathcliffe said. Nami just threw the cake onto his head.

"What was that for?" Heathcliffe asked Nami.

"For no reason at all! Gosh!" Nami yelled.

"Oi, can the both of you shut the salami up and stop yelling? I have a hangover," Zoro requested.

"Oh noes! Somebody get a doctor!" Chopper ordered. Everyone facepalmed.

"You are a doctor," Everyone in the world said.

"Oopise-poopsie-daisy," Chopper said innocently. Then, Pedobear came! Yay!

"Yay! It's Pedobear!" Yuki-Rin cheered.

"Pedobear? What the hell?" Sanji cried.

"Where's my conch shell?" Holden asked everyone. Chopper pulled a conch shell-shaped taco out of his hat and gave it to Holden. "Thanks, little man."

"I'm getting paid for this, right?" Chopper asked everyone. Pedobear sighed.

"Screw this, I'm going to go smoke," Pedobear said as he removed his costume, revealing Akainu in a fairy costume. At a nearby Hooters, Ace sneezed.

"The fuck?" Ace asked himself. "Oh, well, it was probably…. IDK."

Back at the party…

"So THAT'S why you're dressed like that?" Nami asked the justice-loving Admiral.

"Yep! I love Justice," Akainu answered.

"Why am I not –" Nami asked before Akainu cut her off.

"The pre-teen girls' clothing store, not THAT," Akainu corrected. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Sir, I don't think you can fit into their clothes," Mikuri pointed out.

"I know a guy who makes altercations to those clothes," Akainu said. Everyone sweatdropped.

"_This guy is supposed to be the sadistic, justice-loving bastard Admiral? What in the name of Stewie Griffin_?" Zoro thought to himself.

"Well, I should be going now. Kizaru, Aokiji, and I have to go to yoga, and then we were going to go shopping at Justice before we volunteer at a Mommy-and-Me movie screening of There's Something About Mary at Gymboree," Akainu said.

"Wait! We need to sing Happy Birthday to Chopper!" Luffy yelled.

"Is that why I'm here? I thought I was here to scar some people for life and dress up like Pedobear," Akainu asked Luffy.

"Yep! Let's sing!" Luffy yelled before the music started.

"Ooh! I heard this song in Justice on my last shopping trip there!" Akainu squealed like the pre-teen girls who shop at Justice.

"_La la la la la_  
><em>La la na na na<em>  
><em>La la la la la<em>  
><em>La la na na na<em>," The Capricorns sang.

"_Girl, I've been all over the world_  
><em>Looking for you<em>  
><em>I'm known for taking what I think I deserve<em>  
><em>And, you're overdue<em>

_And, if you listen, you can hear me through the radio_  
><em>In that bright, white noise<em>  
><em>What I been missing in my life<em>  
><em>What I been dreaming of<em>  
><em>You'll be that girl<em>  
><em>You'll be that girl<em>  
><em>You'll be<em> –" Sanji sang.

"_Everything you want, so let me get up there_  
><em>I'm the baddest baby in the atmosphere<em>  
><em>Tell me what you want so we can do just what you like<em>," Akainu sang.

"_You make me feel that_  
><em>La la la la la<em>  
><em>You make me feel so<em>  
><em>La la la la la<em>  
><em>You make me feel that<em>  
><em>La la la la la<em>  
><em>You make me feel so<em>  
><em>La la la la la<em>  
><em>You, you make me feel that<em>," The Capricorns, Straw Hats, Supernovas, and Akainu sang. Then, the power went out.

"How would that affect us? We're outside?" Sanji asked into the camera.

"The animes did it," Kaoru said.

"Oh, I see," Sanji said.

"I should be going now. The kid can expect a gift card to Justice," Akainu said before he left.

"Stop shopping there! Nobody wants to see you in leggings and a Hannah Montana T-shirt meant for ten-year-olds!" Zoro yelled to Akainu.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see one of Akainu's shopping trips to Justice, Luffy and Usopp make smoothies unsupervised, or if you want to see Nami cosplay as Meguine Luka, with a swordfish sword included.<strong>


	36. Being Meguca is Suffering

**Author's Note:** We have a special guest for this one-shot! Please, put your hands together for...

**Kyuubey from Puella Magi Madoka Magica/Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica/Madoka Magica/Meguca/Meguca Meduka**

**Kyuubey: "Thank you, thank you. Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin does not own One Piece or anything relating to Madoka Magica. Now, does anybody want to make a contract with me?"／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼**

**Me: "Sorry, Kyuubey, that's NOT called for, since this is the One Piece universe. Oh, thank you to kopycat101 for giving me the inspiration to have Gareth sing the Madoka Rap."**

* * *

><p>The fun-filled hipster day began when the Straw Hats were eating their pre-dinner mayonnaise.<p>

"Sanji, can we have meat?" Luffy – naturally – asked Sanji.

"No. Now, shut up and eat your pre-dinner mayonnaise. It's good for you," Sanji stated. Bepo then walked up to Sanji and whispered in his ear. "Alright, screw the pre-dinner mayonnaise, we're going out for the night."

On the Hyperion, the Capricorns were also having pre-dinner mayonnaise.

"Pre-dinner mayonnaise? Ew," Yuki-Rin stated.

"Didn't I see this on Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time?" Hana asked Yuki-Rin.

"Guys, eat your pre-dinner mayonnaise before we have some Painful Patriotic Pancakes. It's good for you," Sebastian explained.

"Can we at least donate our mayonnaise to Hijikata from Gintama?" Holden whined.

"Shut up, Holden!" Sebastian yelled. Soren walked up to Holden, desite the fact he was sitting next to him.

"Holden, please eat some pre-dinner mayonnaise, even though it tastes awful. Tons of people you like eat pre-dinner mayonnaise – The Ramones, Tre Cool, Pete Wentz, Finn and Jake, Alucard, Mystery Guitar Man, Princess Bubblegum, Haruko Haruhara. Heck, even our bro likes pre-dinner mayonnaise," Soren explained as Heathcliffe threw his pre-dinner mayonnaise out the window in the background.

"Bro, Heathcliffe just threw his mayonnaise out the window," Holden pointed out, thus breaking the fourth wall. Soren then shoved his brothers' heads into the big jar of mayonnaise in the center of the table.

"Dinner is served, bitches!" Soren yelled. Bepo then walked up to Soren and whispered something in his ear.

"We're going somewhere to watch T.V.! But, eat your pre-dinner mayonnaise first! It's good for you!" Soren shouted. The Capricorns groaned. With Kidd, he was on his phone.

"Yes, what's is this woman's measurements? A party? At Trafalgar's? Fuck. You," Kidd said before hanging up. Over at Enies Lobby…

"Dinner is served, bitches!" Spandam announed as he threw down a platter with childrens' toys on it. The CP9 sweatdropped. Bepo then whispered something to Spandam.

"Shut up and eat some pre-dinner mayonnaise! It's good for you!" Spandam yelled to the bear.

"In Swenglish," Lucci added. A few hours later, the Capricorns, Straw Hats, and Supernovas were in Law's submarine.

"I warned you kids about the pre-dinner mayonnaise," Kumadori drunkenly yelled as he fired a shotgun outside.

"That's my cue to leave," Kidd said as he got up and left. Bepo just dragged him back to his seat. Law and Bonney stepped in front of the group of pirates. Both of them wore hipster clothing.

"Not another chapter about hipsters!" Everyone said.

"Sorry, guys, but parody chapters are too mainstream," Law said. Then, Churuya popped out of nowhere.

"Hey, Law-kun, Law-kun! Do have any smoked cheese?" Churuya asked Law.

"Smoked cheese is too mainstream," Law stated.

"Nyoron~," Churyua said before she went behind a shower curtain and disappeared.

"_You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen_  
><em>Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine<em>  
><em>You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life<em>  
><em>See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen<em>," The Capricorns sang in hopes Sweden from Hetalia would show up. But, Coobie – A.K.A., Kyuubey from Madoka Magica – came instead.

"Kartik, become Meguca!" Kyuubey pleaded to Kartik.

"Don't do it! That's Coobie!" Kazuma cried.

"Do I get a contract from Coobie?" Gareth asked.

"No. Being Meguca is suffering," Kyuubey said.

"And too mainstream," Bonney said.

"Okay, that's it! You, me, Madoka Rap, now!" Gareth yelled as he pointed to Kyuubey. "I must become Meguca!"

"I won't let you, Gareth. Being Meguca is suffering," Kyuubey told Gareth. Then, the music began.

"_Coobie, you know what time it is_?" Gareth sang to Kyuubey.

"_Magical Girls, represent_!" Kyuubey sang.

"_Awww, hell yeah! Let's go!_

_Down, dirty bitches, becoming the witches_  
><em>Grindin' up and down, because they grantin' all my wishes<em>  
><em>Bringin' out all my aces, like this game was poker<em>  
><em>Banish all the witches, thank you, based Madoka<em>  
><em>What a joker, the trick is in the wrist<em>  
><em>Wish you kept your head, Mami, 'cause you don't know what you missed<em>  
><em>Now, the witches getting pissed and jacking up my swag<em>  
><em>When I'm finished with this shit, send my regards to the body bag<em>  
><em>Home of the brave! Puttin' work to the street like a slave!<em>  
><em>Keep a rugged dress code, always in the stress mode<em>," Gareth rapped.

"_Being Meguca is_ –" Kyuubey sang before Heathcliffe threw square watermelons at Kyuubey.

"I! Hate! The! Madoka! Rap!" Heathcliffe yelled as he threw one watermelon for each word he said. Everyone grew silent.

"Tebow sucks! Tebow sucks! Tebow sucks! Tebow sucks!" Bonney chanted.

"I am not this Tebow you speak of. I am a Coobie," Kyuubey said.

"Yeah, well your speech on entropy that you gave to people convertering to Pastafarianism was wrong. VERY, VERY WRONG," Yuki-Rin stated.

"Would YOU like to make a contract with me?" Kyuubey asked Yuki-Rin.

"No! I'm happy! See?" Yuki-Rin said as she grabbed Kazuma and began making-out with him. "Oh, Kazuma, I love you! You are so handsome!"

"I love you too, Yuki-Rin! You are the greatest girlfriend ever!" Kazuma yelled back before taking Yuki-Rin in his manly arms. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Is this seriously a joke?" Daisuke asked everyone.

"That's mah boy!" Whitebeard drunkenly yelled.

"What are you doing here?" Kartik asked Whitebeard.

"I like to peep on the Coobies," Whitebeard answered.

"Being Meguca is suffering," Ace added.

"Ace, go save Hameru!" Sabo cried.

"That won't be necessary," Ace said. His hat was now gone, he wore sunglasses, and he was smoking a cigar. Many chickens and ducks surronded him.

"Well, I have to go watch security footage of Forever 21 changing rooms. I'll leave you be," Kyuubey said before walking away. Everyone then got the chance to sweatdrop.

"The fuck was all of that for?" Enlai asked everyone.

"What a pedo," Gareth commented before eating some pizza-flavored Pringles.

"Once you pop, the fun don't stop!" Sabo said. Law grabbed Gareth's tube of Pringles and threw the Pringles out the window.

"This also makes a good hipster intsrument, because regular bongos are too mainstream," Law explained as he began playing his Pringles tube bongo.

"Where can I get one of those?" Kidd cried. Law stopped bongo-ing and glared at kid.

"Wal-mart, bitch," Law explained. Everyone sighed.

"What did we come here for again?" Sanji asked everyone.

"Oh, yeah! We were supposed to watch the season premiere of Portlandia together!" Bonney said as she turned the T.V. on to IFC. But, that episode of Portlandia was ending.

"Damn it! I hate when that happens!" Yuki-Rin cried.

"Oh, well. Anybody wanna watch Meguca Meduka?" Kidd asked everyone.

"No! Not even for a Klondike bar!" The Capricorns said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review to see things such as Ace in Pimp Charm School, karaoke night for the Shichibukai, and Sabo and Kohza having a kitten fight.<strong>

**Do it, or else Kyuubey (with Mansopp) will find you. ／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼ **


	37. Dracule Mihawk and the Box Factory

**Author's Note**: This counts as your Valentine's Day chapter, kids.

**Fun Fact: Some of the crackier lines said in this chapter were random lines that popped in my head as I wrote this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, Victoria's Secret, Shoujo Beat, Spongebob, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, _Conchita, Epicurian Daughter of Evil, _Tumblr, Kim Kardashian, Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist, Bon Iver, _I Wanna Have Your Babies_ by Natasha Bedingfield, Sweden from Hetalia, Vince the Shamwow guy, _Wuthering Heights_, Charlie the Unicorn, Pokémon, Portlandia, _Ovo_ by Cirque du Soeli, or anything else mentioned in this chapter.**

* * *

><p>One fine day, Mihawk was checking his mail.<p>

"Bill, bill, Moria's porn, bill, Hancock's Victoria's Secret catalogue, jury duty, jury duty, more of Moria's porn, even more of Moria's porn, copy of Shoujo Beat, some more of Moria's porn, jury duty… What the hell is this?" Mihawk said as he came to an unmarked envelope. He opened it, revealing a golden ticket that said the following:

**Congratulations!**

**You have been selected to tour the Wonka chocolate factory tomorrow! Bring a friend, OR WE WILL FIND YOU.**

**Spongebob Squarepants approves of this message**.

"Okay… Then," Mihawk said before pulling out a hamburger phone. "Crocodile? We've been forced into a Willy Wonka parody."

On a certain submarine we use too much in this fic…

"Hmmm…." A certain, hipster Supernova we use too much in this fic said to himself as he looked at the golden ticket he got. "I'm sure a certain, hipster Supernova we also use too much in this fic will go with me."

"Why can't I go? Why does it always have to be your hipster girlfriend?" A certain bear we use too much in this fic cried.

"Because you're too mainstream," The hipster explained. On the Sunny…

"Why the hell is this happening?" Sanji cried. The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

"Did I leave the stove on?" Usopp wondered out loud. A few days later, at a "chocolate factory"…

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Fishmen and Pwngoats, welcome to… The Wonka chocolate factory!" Iceburg introduced to everyone. The crowd cheered. "Now, let's meet our golden ticket winners!"

The Straw Hats walked on-stage, wearing their formal clothes from Strong World.

"I'm Monkey D. Luffy, and I brought my nakama!" Luffy intoduced himself to the crowd. "This meat factory will be so cool!"

"It's a candy factory!" The crowd shouted. Then, the Capricorns walked on-stage.

"Why the hell are they here?" Nami and Sanji cried.

"Your doorman died," Heathcliffe stated.

"Goddamn it! He was my mother's sister's best friend's uncle's brother's wife's daughter's sex slave's mailman's informant's agent! Now who's gonna jailbreak the Sunny's computer?" Sanji cried.

"Is that why _Conchita, Epicurian Daughter of Evil_ plays whenever we're on Tumblr?" Franky asked the Straw Hats.

"I know Dr. Kureha's bra size!" Thierry drunkenly announced as the Shichibukai, the Supernovas, and the CP9 arrived.

"What the tuna salad?" Holden cried.

"Hi. I like to lick shoehorns," Capone greeted everyone. The group grew tense, save for Moria, who set something in his Easy-Bake oven on fire.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" Moria shouted.

"Anyway, head inside before we tow away your ships," Iceburg said.

"Because Kim Kardashian ain't GETTING ANY tonight!" Tyrannosaurus yelled from Iceburg's pocket. Iceburg looked down to his mouse. "The CD was under her desk."

"Is it me, or did that rat just speak?" Edward Elric asked everyone. Everyone gave strange looks to the short alchemist. "Excuse me, but I am not –"

"A whore," Chopper dubbed over Edward. Everyone was ushered inside to the lobby of the chocolate factory.

"Okay, now what?" Nami asked everyone. Enlai crossed his arms.

"Gimmie my Bon Iver CDs, and nobody gets hurt!" Enlai cried. Everyone sweatdropped.

"_I wanna have your babies! Get serious, like crazy! I wanna have your babies! I see them springing up_ –" Karin sang to Kartik before Iceburg blew and airhorn. "Hfnghrrjigfhefgyh!"

Sweden from Hetalia then walked in for no reason.

"What are you doing here?" Iceburg asked Sweden.

"I'm a s'xu'l pr'd't'r," Sweden explained before he walked away. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Okay, then. Who wants to blow things up?" Iceburg asked everyone.

"I do! I do!" Chopper said.

"Well, we have no time to waste! Let's enter the chocolate factory!" Iceburg said.

"Sugoi! We're going to Candy Mountain!" Luffy said as they filed into the plain hallway leading to the factory.

"I want to see Vince the Shamwow Guy!" Dewey said excitedly, since this authoress can't remember the last time he spoke in this fic.

"We all do, little man," Sanji said.

"I love _Wuthering Heights_!" Doflamingo proclaimed. Law narrowed his eyes.

"You Nintendo DS game cartridge," Law said evilly.

"I don't give a chapstick," Doflamingo stated.

"People, do you want to see the chocolate factory or not? It's scrum-diddly-umptious," Iceburg said.

"That's what she said!" Sanji, Heathcliffe, Law, and Hancock shouted.

"Anyway, head inside," Iceburg said as he pushed everyone into a large room filled with empty boxes.

"The fuck is this?" Sanji shouted.

"I think we got sent to a box factory by mistake," Usopp pointed out.

"Just like in The Simpsons?" The Capricorns cried.

"Yes, guys, just like The Simpsons," Nami said. Everyone grew silent.

"Okay, now what?" Franky asked everyone. Bepo then walked up to everyone, dressed as a schoolgirl from the 50's.

"Bepo, what are you doing?" Law asked his pet bear.

"_I was feeling done in, couldn't win_  
><em>I'd only ever kissed before.<em>  
><em>I thought there's no use getting into heavy petting<em>  
><em>It only leads to trouble and seat wetting...<em>

_Now, all I want to know is how to go_  
><em>I've tasted blood and I want more<em>  
><em>I'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance<em>  
><em>I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance<em>

_Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me, I wanna be dirty_  
><em>Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me<em>  
><em>Creature of the night.<em>

_Then, if anything grows while you pose_  
><em>I'll oil you up and rub you down<em>  
><em>And that's just<em> –" Bepo sang before Law cut him off.

"Uh-uh! No, Sarah, sit!" Law shouted, (un)intentionally quoting Portlandia in the process.

"Isn't that from Portlandia?" Killer wondered out loud. Everyone grew silent as some not-nice people dragged Bepo away in the background.

"That really rustled my jimmies," Sanji commented.

"I hear ya, man," Daisuke said before the two fist-bumped.

"So… Is this the entire factory?" Luffy asked everyone.

"Looks like it," Zoro said.

"Can I have meat?" Luffy – predictably – asked everyone.

"Hell nah!" Everyone answered.

"We have to get out of here before the Ireland vs. France rugby game starts," Molly answered.

"Meh. We're gonna go see _Ovo_," Kaku said.

"Who gives a chapstick? We –" Mihawk shouted before Usopp cut him off.

"I give a chapstick," Usopp said as he pulled out a tube of chapstick.

"Who cares? We need to get out of here before the obligatory Valentine's Day jokes start!" Nami explained.

"Oooh, Nami-swan, oooh!" Sanji squealed. Sanji then turned to Heathcliffe. "Go get some. You're making me look like I'm on Viag –"

"No, Sarah, sit!" Law shouted again as Bepo streaked across the room.

"Meh," Heathcliffe said with a shrug. Aki grabbed Heathcliffe from behind.

"Sarutobi-kun, my precious baby!" Aki shouted lovingly. Heathcliffe turned around so that he was facing Aki.

"Oh, that is so fake!" Jyabura pointed out.

"Bitch, that's sexual harassment!" Kalifa told Jyabura as Heathcliffe and Aki began making out. Nami turned to the camera.

"Happy Valentine's Day. If you're not a lovey-dovey couple like Heathcliffe and Aki, you'll be fine. Just… Go watch _The Hangover_ or something," Nami said before she got out her DS and played Pokémon Pearl. "Crikey! Hawkins killed my Persian!"

Hawkins, who was sitting on a box, sweatdropped.

"Whoops. I think I'm sitting on my DS," Hawkins said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

**Review if you want to see Kidd and Killer run a day care, Zeff dressed as a panda, or if you want to see Moria become a giddy, little schoolgirl.**


	38. Da Hungah Games!

**Author's Note**: So, I - surprisingly - had some writer's block for this fic. Then, something happened - My OCs caught _Hunger Games _fever. And, thus, this parody was born. I had a lot of fun writing it, and the part of this oneshot that parodied _Mockingjay _was my favorite. I hope you enjoy this parody!

**Warnings: _Hunger Games _AU. It is also a crack parody of all three books, so proceed with caution. Some key scenes and characters (like Plutarch Heavensbee, Cato, Johanna, and Buttercup) may be missing, because it's a cracky parody.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _The Hunger Games_, any songs used, or _Superbad_. Also, no pirates were harmed or killed in the making of this _Hunger Games_ parody.**

* * *

><p>"The female tribute for District 12 is… Hana Yakushi!"<p>

Hana facepalmed. It was Reaping Day in Panem, and she was picked to be in the 69th Hunger Games.

"Oh, for the love of Homer Simpson!" Hana cried as she made her way onstage. "Any volunteers? I'd prefer a male volunteer, since the fights you can get into during these games look like softcore yaoi sex scenes!"

All the males backed away. Bon Kurei, the Sassy, Gay Escort for District 12, facepalmed as he pulled out a name for a male to play in the Hunger Games.

"And, our male tribute is… Portgas D. Ace!" Bon Kurei announced. Five minutes later, Thatch and Marco dragged a sleeping Ace onstage. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Uhh… Happy Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favor?" Bon Kurei proclaimed.

"Get on with the squirrel jokes!" Holden shouted from the audience.

"Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes!" The crowd chanted. Hana sighed, because this was going to be a start of a LONG saga.

* * *

><p>"So, Hana, what do you think of the Capitol?" Apoo asked Hana. It was now the day of the interviews, and Hana – who was dressed as Haruko from FLCL – and her stylist, Hawkins, were being interviewed.<p>

"It sucks," Hana said with a smile on her face. Absolutely nobody reacted.

"Okay, next question – Are you pregnant with Portgas D. Ace's child?" Apoo asked Hana.

"No. He's been asleep ever since the Reaping," Hana explained. "Next question, bitches!"

While sticking out her tongue, Hana flipped off the camera. Again, nobody cared. Why? Because this is a crack fic, that's why.

* * *

><p>The next day, the tributes were forced to show off their talents to the Gamemakers.<p>

"So, Ace, what is your talent?" Gamemaker Moria asked Ace, who was STILL asleep. "Next!"

"I can sing," Hana stated derpily.

"That's nice, sugar," Moria said apathetically.

"_Talk to me_  
><em>Tell me your sign<em>  
><em>You're switching sides like a Gemini<em>  
><em>You're playing games, and now you're hittin' my heart<em>  
><em>Like a drum<em>  
><em>Yeah, baby<em>

_And she bangs, she bangs_  
><em>Oh, baby<em>  
><em>When she moves, she moves<em>  
><em>I go crazy<em>  
><em>Cause she looks like a flower, but she stings<em>  
><em>Like a bee<em>  
><em>Like every girl in history<em>  
><em>She bangs, she bangs<em>  
><em>I'm wasted by the way she<em> –" Hana sang like William Hung before Moria cut her off.

"GTFO," Moria stated. Hana pouted.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Hunger Games began! All the tributes ran for the cornucopia.<p>

"Move, bitch! The gun from Portal is mine!" Hana yelled as she pushed several tributes out of the way and grabbed the gun from Portal.

That night, almost a dozen cannons went off to signal about a dozen tributes' "deaths". All of them "died" when Hana pushed them out of the way to get the Portal gun.

* * *

><p>The next night…<p>

"Are you sure this will work?" Hana asked her ally from District 11, Bonney. Currently, they were setting up a diversion to take food from three tributes, Jyabura, Kidd, and Margaret.

"I got this. I'm one of the authoress' favorite characters," Bonney said before walking right into her own trap, causing a fire in the tree that held the trapped. "A little help here? This feels like something used in S&M foreplay."

But, before Hana could help, Kidd stabbed Bonney with a plastic knife.

"Oh, no. Bonney died," Hana said emotionlessly as she cut Bonney from the net and placed food – not flowers – all around her body. "I know! I'll sing Bonney's lullaby!"

Hana cleared her throat.

"_I… Just wasted… Ten seconds of your life_," Hana sang to Bonney's corpse.

* * *

><p>The next day, Ace and Hana were the only tributes remaining.<p>

"Only one tribute –" Moria explained before he noticed that Ace was asleep. "Okay, you both win. I told you guys not to eat the Skittles, didn't I?"

"That was you?" Hana asked innocently before popping some Skittles into her mouth. Moria facepalmed.

"Why is it that the ditzy yaoi fangirls always win?" Moria wondered to himself.

* * *

><p>A few months later, Hana, Ace, and their Hunger Games mentor, Thierry, were about to go on the Victory Tour.<p>

"_Hmm… Thierry is drunk and Ace is asleep. I hope we don't get in trouble with President Snow_," Hana thought to herself before reading some XXX-rated Kotetsu x Barnaby yaoi. "You can use a STARFISH for THAT? Oh, Dear Lord…"

* * *

><p>About a month later, Hana and Ace found themselves at the Quarter Quell. But, since it wasn't the 75th Hunger Games, it was known as "Da Hungah Games", "Battle for Bikini Bottom", "The Semi-Quarter Quell", or simply "Anime Expo". We would like to note that the last title threw off millions of anime fans. You're welcome.<p>

"Hey, baby," A District 4 victor, Heathcliffe, said to Hana before stripping off his shirt. "Do ya think I'm sexy?"

Hana hit Heathcliffe with her huge yaoi manga book.

"Aren't you supposed to be a man-whore somewhere else?" Hana asked.

"Well… You have a point. Have a nice day," Heathcliffe said before skipping off. "Oh, Isabella!"

Hana sighed.

"_Let's see… The girls playing Johanna and Wiress never showed up, the guy playing Finnick is as much as a douche as Finnick, Ace is STILL asleep, and I've got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one_," Hana thought to herself. "_I can't wait until this AU chapter is over so I can go back to the Hyperion, make some shamrock shakes, watch Delocated, and play Fruit Ninja at the Apple store_."

* * *

><p>"Stop playing this shitty music! Put Green Day on!" Heathcliffe yelled. Two days have passed since the last scene, and Hana, Ace, Heathcliffe, and Usopp were the only tributes who showed up. The other two, a Ke$ha wannabe (who was Wiress) and Isabella, died due to a glitter overdose (Ke$ha wannabe) and walked out (Isabella), and Usopp was playing the song <em>Tik Tok<em> in memory of said Ke$ha wannabe.

"I'm bored. Let's throw this hackey sack around," Hana said. She threw the hackey sack into a force field, which caused a giant explosion.

* * *

><p>When Hana (and Usopp and Heathcliffe) came to, they were inside of a Wal-martIKEA. Holden was standing over their beds, and he was dressed as a Wal-mart greeter.

"Welcome to District 13, a.k.a., Wal-mart!" Holden greeted the three.

"Not so loud. It's not even noon," Heathcliffe moaned sexily.

"It's eight o'clock at night, baby bro," Holden stated.

"Why are we in a Wal-mart?" Hana asked.

"Correction. It's a Wal-mart SLASH IKEA. Basically, President Snow and his people decided to light a bonfire outside of District 12 a few days back. Well, there was some drinking involved, maybe some drugs, but, we know one thing – Somebody threw a propane tank into the bonfire, and the bigger fire burned everything in the District except for the Victor's Village," Holden explained. Hana began crying.

"Nooo! Now where am I going to buy my black-market yaoi?" Hana sobbed. Usopp and Heathcliffe sweatdropped.

"If you need me, I'll be in the shower," Heathcliffe said. "Usopp, want to help me shampoo my hair into funny shapes?"

Usopp grew pale.

"I'm straight," Usopp said.

* * *

><p>A few days later, somebody thought it was a good idea to marry Heathcliffe to his fellow District 4 victorsweetheart, Aki.

"Aww! Love conquers all, even though Heathcliffe is a man-whore and Aki is CRAZY in this AU," Hana cooed to her older sister, Aria, and BFF, Sadie. Then, the T.V. turned on, showing Ace in a prison. Again, he was asleep. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I am seventeen and what is this?" Holden asked everyone.

"_We are torturing Portgas D. Ace right now because he is not Finnick Odair. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show_."

Then, the loudspeakers in Ace's cell began playing.

_7am, waking up in the morning_  
><em>Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs<em>  
><em>Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal<em>  
><em>Seein' everything, the time is goin'<em>  
><em>Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'<em>  
><em>Gotta get down to the<em> –

Sadie turned off the T.V.

"Oh, no! We've gotta save Ace, stop the revolution, and kill President Snow, all before my soaps come on!" Hana cried.

"I'll come!" Ageha, the head of District 13, said.

"Me too!" Urouge said.

"Hell yeah! Sounds like fun!" Heathcliffe said.

"I'll be joining my bro in this," Holden said. Aki then cried REALLY HARD and hugged Heathcliffe REALLY TIGHT.

"Sarutobi-kun, don't go! You're gonna die out there!" Aki sobbed. Heathcliffe stroked her hair.

"It'll be okay. We'll make out right now, and nothing's gonna hurt us," Heathcliffe said. What then transpired was this: all the couples make out while all of the single people ate Italian cookies.

"I'm so glad Heathcliffe is playing Finnick in this _Hunger Games_ parody," Yuki-Rin commented.

* * *

><p>"Whew… Finally made it," Hana said, wiping the sweat from her brow as she approached the mansion President Snow lived in. She came alone, because Urouge got arrested for tax evasion, Holden had to make a phone call to Pizza Hut because everyone got hungry, Ageha disappeared, and Heathcliffe got attacked by some dog-lizard-Latias hybrids that required him to get some rabies shots from Chopper. "I hope we can get this done in time for –"<p>

Hana then noticed two things. One, there were a bunch of kids – including Aria – dressed as nurses standing in front of her. And, two, her shirt that said "I Love Yaoi" turned into a shirt with a Mockingjay on it.

"Oh, NOW the Mockingjay comes into play! I see how it is!" Hana said angrily. The mansion then blew up, sending the kids flying.

"We're blasting off again!" Aria cried as the kids blasted off again. When the dust cleared, Ageha was sitting at a table, drinking tea with President Snow.

"President Snow! I should've known it was YOU!" Hana cried. President Snow took his disguise off, revealing that… Pwngoat was President Snow all along.

"Baa?" Pwngoat bleated. Hana shot them with the Portal gun. Ace, in his sleep, crawled up to Hana and FINALLY awoke.

"Hey, when do the Hunger Games begin?" Ace asked Hana.

* * *

><p>Hana then awoke on the Hyperion. Everyone who got a line in this awesome parody surrounded Hana.<p>

"Hana, are you ready to go to the movies to see _Superbad_?" Yuki-Rin asked Hana, who smiled.

"After all I've just seen – including shooting Ageha with the gun from Portal and Heathcliffe offering Usopp to take a shower with him -, hell yeah!" Hana said.

"Good. Go get your fake ID that says "McLovin'" and meet us on the upper deck," Yuki-Rin said before everyone left the room. Hana breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank God the authoress didn't choose _The Hunger Games_ as a series for her OCs," Hana commented.

* * *

><p><strong>Cast List (Meant to be read as end credits to this parody):<strong>

**Katniss Everdeen - Hana Yakushi  
>Gale Hawthorne - Holden Sarutobi<br>Peeta Mellark - Portgas D. Ace  
>Madge Undersee - Sadie Hawkins<br>Effie Trinket - Bon Kurei/Mr. 2  
>Primrose "Prim" Everdeen - Aria Yakushi<br>Haymitch Abernathy - Thierry Brighton  
>Seneca Crane - Gecko Moria<br>Cinna - Basil Hawkins  
>Caesar Flickerman - Scratchman Apoo<br>Rue - Jewelry Bonney  
>Cato - Jyabura<br>Clove - Margaret  
>Marvel - Eustass Kidd<br>Finnick Odair - Heathcliffe Sarutobi  
>Mags - Isabella Sarutobi<br>Beetee - Usopp  
>Wiress - A Ke$ha wannabe<br>Annie Cresta - Aki Chung-Feng  
>Boggs - Urouge<br>President Coin - Ageha Midori**

**And...**

**President Snow - Pwngoat (A.K.A. Sengoku's goat)**

**Ending Note: This chapter is dedicated to all of those who have died in the Japanese earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear disaster last year in Sendai. And, to all of those people who still have friends and family missing as a result of this disaster, here's something I'd like to say - Don't give up hope. Luffy, Yuki-Rin, the rest of the Straw Hats and Capricorns, and all the other good guys in One Piece and in One Piece fanfiction have your backs. They will fight for you and their stories of adventure will brighten your day. To my readers in Japan who may have known people that died or went missing in the disaster - I hope this fanfic and _One Piece: Parallel Works _continue to make you smile. Because, as Namie Amuro said in the 14th opening, we fight together.**

**Review if you want to see more parodies of things, from _Twilight_ to _The Notebook_ to K-On.**


	39. Tech Support

**Author's Note**: This is just a fun little chapter I wrote after seeing _Slumdog Millionare_ for one of my classes.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, as always.**

* * *

><p>It was a lovely day – err, night – on Thriller Bark, as Moria was looking for some porn On Demand.<p>

"Where's mah boob – Ooh, Flogging Molly! That must be some sort of bondage porn!" Moria said as he changed the channel. In reality, he changed the channel to a Flogging Molly concert. "_With a wonder and a wild desire, I will crawl from under every grave. With a wonder and a_ –"

Perona then stormed into the room.

"Hey, Porn Addict, you – OMG, is that Flogging Molly?" Perona said before sitting down next to Moria to watch the concert. "_Bury me in silence for I'll never hear the truth. My coffin will be empty, because you'll never steal my_ –"

Almost two hours later…

"_Seven drunken pirates, we're seven deadly sins_!" Moria and Perona sang as the last song of the concert came to an end.

"Damnit! It's over!" Perona quoted from the authoress, which is usually what she says when a Flogging Molly concert she is watching ends.

"I know! These guys put on a better concert than Paris Hilton!" Moria said. "And, this is coming from a Paris Hilton fan!"

Perona sweatdropped.

"You like Paris Hilton?" Perona asked. "Anyway, while I was downloading an X-rated Hetalia yaoi doujinshi without your permission, something weird happened to my computer. Can you look at it?"

"Sure, I'll do it. Will you pay me in gum?" Moria asked, even though he knew nothing about computers.

"If you pay me in smutty yaoi," Perona said. A few minutes later, Moria found himself sitting in Perona's pink room, looking at her Mac.

"It says here that you have some sort of tech support business going on here. How the fuck did this happen?" Moria asked Perona.

"After downloading the yaoi, I was going to go on Deviantart to chat with my BFF, Hana Yakushi the #1 Yaoi Fan. Then, I saw an advertisement for Hello Kitty syringes, so I clicked on it. This is the end result, and it's not letting me go back to Facebook, Youtube, Deviantart, Livejournal, or Instagram," Perona explained. Moria facepalmed.

"Perona, leave the room – No, leave Thriller Bark for the night. Things are going to get as ugly as a mash-up between _The Hunger Games_, _The Notebook_, Pokémon, Azumanga Daioh, and Jerry Springer," Moria explained before he got to work. Fifteen minutes later…

"Wow, I can phone stalk people on this. This Blue Screen of Death is funner than I thought," Moria said as he dialed the first number. On board the Hyperion, the Capricorns were gathered together and watching T.V. together.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" Wolfgang yelled before grabbing Gareth by his coat. "Gareth, you jackass! Why?"

"Esmeralda had it coming to her. I KNEW that Tyra Banks was going to eviscerate her during the elimination," Gareth explained. "Pay up, or I will get Enlai involved."

With a huff, Wolfgang gave a pack of watermelon-flavored gum to Gareth, who smirked.

"This is hush gum so Enlai won't say anything, 'kay?" Wolfgang explained.

"I can hear you, you know," Enlai cut in as the phone rang. Daisuke, who was sitting upside-down, answered the phone.

"i'Alo!" Daisuke said into the phone.

"_Good evening, sir. Is there an adult present_?" Moria asked. Daisuke became scared.

"I need an adult!" Daisuke cried before he hung up the phone. The phone rang a second later.

"I'VE got this," Wolfgang said as he picked up the phone. "The Hyperion, the ship of the Capricorn Pirates. This is Wolfgang."

"_Good evening, sir. Can I interest you in a telemarketing scam_?" Moria asked. Wolfgang ignored him. "_Okay, what about some stock in McDonald's? A new car? Pest control? Phone sex_?"

Wolfgang hung up.

"Wolfie, who was that?" Sayuki asked Wolfgang. She sounded like Lois from Family Guy.

"Some guy offering phone sex, telemarketing scams, and stock in McDonald's," Wolfgang explained.

"Good enough for me!" Daisuke said as he picked up the phone and hit the redial button.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" All the Capricorns screamed. Yuki-Rin calmly set the phone on fire with her Mockingjay pin and threw it (the phone, not the pin) out of the window.

"I've got an idea," Yuki-Rin said. Back at Thriller Bark…

"Hey! Somebody called me back!" Moria said, noticing that he was getting a call over Skype. When he opened the window, Yuki-Rin was on the other line.

"Are you that telemarketing guy?" Yuki-Rin asked. Moria sweatdropped.

"Well, I –" Moria said before Yuki-Rin cut him off.

"We have something to show you. Have fun," Yuki-Rin said before walking away. The Capricorn males then stepped in front of the camera.

"What the hell is going on here? If this is gay porn, then I'm walking out," Moria said.

"Is this thing on? Yeah," Wolfgang said. "Alright, cue music!"

Then, the music – which was far form any music you'd hear in a porn film – started up.

"Hey, this music's not bad," Moria commented.

"_It's empty in the valley of your heart_  
><em>The sun, it rises slowly as you walk<em>  
><em>Away from all the fears<em>  
><em>And all the faults you've left behind<em>," Enlai sang.

"_The harvest left no food for you to eat_  
><em>You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see<em>  
><em>But I have seen the same<em>  
><em>I know the shame in your defeat<em>," Kaoru sang.

"_But, I will hold on hope_  
><em>And, I won't let you choke<em>  
><em>On the noose around your neck<em>," Kazuma sang.

"_And, I'll find strength in pain_  
><em>And, I will change my ways<em>  
><em>I'll know my name as it's called again<em>," The Sarutobi siblings sang.

Moria facepalmed.

"I fucking hate Glee." Was all Moria said.

"_Cause I have other things to fill my time_  
><em>You take what is yours and I'll take mine<em>  
><em>Now, let me at the truth<em>  
><em>Which will refresh my broken mind<em>," Wolfgang sang.

"_So, tie me to a post and block my ears_  
><em>I can see widows and orphans through my tears<em>  
><em>I know my call despite my faults<em>  
><em>And despite my<em> –" Kartik sang before Moria disconnected them.

"I was right. This is gay porn," Moria said as he dialed another number. On board the Sunny, the phone rang.

"Chopper, could you get that? I'm too busy trying to play with this platypus I found!" Nami yelled. Chopper answered the phone.

"Hello?" Chopper asked.

"_Good, evening, sir. My name is Gecko Moria, and I'm from Taco Bell. And, I'm here today to tell you all about our service plan_," Moria explained.

"Oh, no! A telemarketer is talking to me! I gotta do what Nami taught me to do!" Chopper thought to himself before Nami's advice echoed through his head.

"_Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets_."

"_You'll never guess what I found in my sock last night_!"

"_It was his hat, Mr. Krabs! HE WAS NUMBER ONE_!"

Chopper then hung up on Moria.

"What the –" Moria said. The next morning, he was finished fixing Perona's computer.

"Perona, your computer's fixed!" Moria called out as he walked out of Perona's room. But, the Straw Hats and Capricorns were waiting for him.

"Hi there… Would you like to invest in golf-related stocks?" Moria asked nervously.

"Get him," Nami said before the mob attacked Moria.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see crack such as Mihawk building a treehouse for Crocodile, Zoro reading Shoujo manga, or Law playing frisbee golf with a tuna salad.<strong>


	40. The Princess Bride! Adventure in IKEA!

**Author's Note**: I think I just won the title of "Most Disturbing One Piece Crack Pairing Ever". Why? This chapter contains the pairing of...

Dr. Kureha x Doflamingo.

**Warning: You WILL need some brain bleach after this chapter, as it WILL scar your mind.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>Once upon a time, there were two kingdoms called Florin and Guilder. They then changed their names to Alabasta and Water Seven. Then, they changed their names again to Panem and Westeros. Now, the kingdoms are simply known as "Portlandia" and "IKEA".<p>

Princess Kureha was the sexiest woman in Portlandia, and she had everything – Boobs, wealth, boobs, and wealth. Oh, did we mention she had boobs?

Luffy and Usopp were her butlers. They were basically a sober Harold and Kumar.

"Oi, farmboys, have you washed my thong underwear?" Dr. Kureha asked Luffy and Usopp, who shuddered.

"Why do you do this to me? I have a girlfriend who lives in Canada," Usopp asked Dr. Kureha. A few days later...

"Oi, farmboys, make me a sandwich!" Dr. Kureha ordered as she watched T.V. She was totally not watching a documentary on sex, but we can't verify that.

"Dr. Kureha, what's that?" Luffy asked as he pointed to something Dr. Kureha was watching on T.V. Dr. Kureha then changed the channel to an episode of "Granny Trannies Gone Wild".

"It's none of your business! Now, where's mah sammich?" Dr. Kureha asked Luffy and Usopp. So much time waiting that the authoress got tired of waiting and we had to hire Rob Lucci to do the narration...

"I'm not even supposed to be in this oneshot," Lucci pointed out.

"That's what they all say," Dr. Kureha said before giving a passionate kiss to Lucci, who turned as red as the red Angry Bird.

"I feel violated now. And, from a grandma, no less," Lucci said before he walked away. He then tripped, fell, dropped his paperwork, got sand in his eyes, and picked up some My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic clop fics in his temporary blindness. Lucci then got up and walked away. "Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy... AND DERPY HOOVES? Oh, my God!"

Dr. Kureha sighed.

"I wish somebody would publish my erotic My Little Pony fics," Dr. Kureha said sadly as Luffy and Usopp exited the mansion. Dr. Kureha then got out her sawed-off shotgun. "Where do you think you're going?"

"We've had enough of serving a granny who acts like a Hooters waitress," Usopp explained. Dr. Kureha dramatically gasped.

"How did you know I work at Hooters?" Dr. Kureha cried.

"I dunno. But, one thing's for sure... YOU NEVER LISTEN TO OUR NEEDS!" Usopp cried.

"You acutally want something from me?" Dr. Kureha asked Usopp.

"_This is turning into a bad soap opera. Oh, well, if it means I can eat meat later on, I win The Game. Darn it, I lost The Game_!" Luffy thought to himself.

"Then, I'll give you something!" Dr. Kureha shouted before stripping off her clothes. She wore a Hooters waitress' uniform underneath her clothes. Luffy and Usopp screamed.

"The horror! The horror!" Usopp cried.

"I want my mommy!" Luffy cried as he and Usopp ran away. A few days later, the Princess of Portlandia got engaged.

"I like older women, you know?" Dr. Kureha's new fianceé, Doflamingo, explained. Many Doflamingo and Dr. Kureha fans shuddered.

"When we divorce, I'm getting the house, okay?" Dr. Kureha asked Doflamingo. Then, a hipster (Law), a hot guy with swirly eyebrows (Sanji), and a cultured badass (Kartik) came up from behind and put a bag over Dr. Kureha's head. Sanji then pulled a gun onto the audience.

"Nobody move! We're trying to restore sanity and order to our hipster-ish city!" Sanji ordered. Doflamingo then took Kureha.

"Yoink!" Doflamingo yelled before he carried Kureha bridal-style away. Sanji, Law, and Kartik sweatdropped.

"What's he the prince of?" Sanji asked.

"A kingdom of drugs," Law guessed. Kartik chuckled.

"Ha ha, WRONG!" Kartik shouted. "He's the prince of an IKEA in Burbank, Los Angeles, California."

"Isn't that where the Animaniacs live?" Sanji asked Kartik.

"Yep. Sadly, we aren't going to visit them," Kartik explained.

"Fair enough," Law said as he dialed something on his hamburger phone. "Bonney, can you pack the boat with enough Pabst Blue Ribbon for a month? We're going to IKEA."

"Why do we need PBR?" Sanji asked Law, who glared at him.

"No, the question is this – Why are YOU hatin'? Don't hate the player, hate the game," Law explained. A few minutes later, the three men arrived at a boat, where the male Capricorns, Supernovas, and Straw Hats (minus Luffy and Usopp) were waiting for them.

"Oi, Shitty Cook, where the hell did Luffy and Usopp go?" Zoro asked Sanji.

"They probably died," Sanji sarcastically explained. Kidd shrugged.

"Fair enough. More coffe cake for me," Kidd said before he sat down to eat some coffe cake with a Disney princess tea set.

"Hey! That's my coffee cake, bitch!" Apoo cried. Kidd bitch-slapped Apoo with his princess wand. Sanji dramatically gasped.

"Oh, my God! Where are the women at?" Sanji asked. The female Capricorns, Bonney, Nami, and Robin came out from a random door that led to nowhere.

"Man, that game of Words With Friends was TOO INTENSE!" Nami commented breathlessly.

"Told you I'd win by spelling out 'Shakugan no Shana'," Yuki-Rin boasted.

"Shut up," Nami told the otaku captain. Sanji cleared his throat.

"Set sail for One Piece, it's the – No, screw that, screw that! We're setting sail for Los Angeles so we can rescure Dr. Kureha!" Sanji explained. Everyone screamed.

"I'm not rescuing that slutty grandma!" Heathcliffe cried before trying to gouge his eyes out with a pencil and a Stunfisk. But, it failed. "Goddamn it!"

That night, the pirates arrived at the IKEA Dr. Kureha was being held at. All of them wore clothing you'd see in RPG games.

"Alright, here's the plan – We're gonna buy some Swedish meatballs, and then we're going to look at furniture. Then, we can rescure Dr. Kureha and pray this nightmare will end soon. Capiche?" Sanji asked everyone.

"Capiche," Soren answered for everyone.

"Good! Let's eat!" Sanji said before the pirates ate their Swedish meatballs and other Swedish food in silence. The other IKEA patrons stared at them in silence.

"Mommy, who are those people?" Apis asked Jyabura, who covered her eyes.

"Don't look at them. I think they're groupies for Flogging Molly," Jyabura explained. A few minutes later, the Capricorns, Supernovas, and Straw Hats were exploring IKEA in search of Kureha and Doflamingo.

"Whee! This is fun!" Soren yelled as he jumped on a bed with his brothers. Sanji pushed Soren off of the bed and onto a sexy divan, where Zoro was eating grapes in a sexy manner.

"Da fuck? Why is Betty White not here?" Zoro asked everyone.

"I love you, Annie Cresta!" Capone shouted for no reason.

"I found them," Nami said as she pointed to Dr. Kureha and Doflamingo lounging on a divan that was sexier than Zoro's.

"Hi, there! It's time for the Dr. Kureha Show!" Dr. Kureha said before she stripped to _Fly Away Now_. Underneath her Hooters uniform was Panty's angel outfit from Panty and Stocking With Garterbelt. The males turned green.

"Oh, Dear Lord! Put some clothes on before I have to shoot you!" Sanji cried as he got out a can of whipped cream.

"I could use that," Dr. Kureha purred. Sanji screamed.

"I need an adult! Mommy! Daddy! Enrique Iglesias!" Sanji cried. Molly got into the fetal position.

"Oh, God! If we just watched _The Wind That Shakes the Barley_, none of this would've happened!" Molly cried. Hatori rolled his eyes and threw a hackey sack at Dr. Kureha.

"Ow! You meddling squirrel fiend!" Dr. Kureha cried before she disappeared into a cloud of smoke. Hatori then got out a NERF gun in a badass fashion.

"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling," Hatori said in a badass fashion before shooting Doflamingo in slow-motion. Doflamingo then disappeared. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Uhh... I don't think we were supposed to kill Dr. Kureha," Nami pointed out. Luffy and Usopp then walked out from a model closet.

"_I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way_," Luffy and Usopp sang. Nami pimp-slapped them.

"Where the hell were you two? Dr. Kureha LOVED you!" Nami cried. Usopp and Luffy looked at each other, and then to Nami.

"Ya, these people we were with wanted to make cookies and watch _Moulin Rouge_, but, I was all, 'Fuck yo' couch. We're gonna go ask people on the street stupid questions'," Luffy explained.

"Ah, sounds legit," Nami said. Everyone grew silent because Spain from Hetalia said so.

"Does anybody know how we're going to get home?" Kazuma asked, since that question was more important than 'Will Luffy and Usopp save Dr. Kureha?' We then cut to the Thousand Sunny, where Franky was reading this oneshot to Luffy and Usopp.

"And, so, the pirates lived happily every after inside of an IKEA. The end," Franky explained as he closed the book. Luffy and Usopp screamed in terror.

"Dr. Kureha scares me now," Usopp shuddered.

"I never want to go to Hooters again!" Luffy cried as the Alexander Rybak song _Fairytale_ began to play in the background. Franky shrugged.

"I'm gonna go take a smoke break," Franky said before leaving the room.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>The Alexander Rybak song _Fairytale _played on my iTunes right when I was writing the end of the chapter. Then, the next song was _Set Fire to the Rain _by Adele as I was editing the chapter. Now, the song is _Sugar, We're Going Down _by Fall Out Boy. Don't these songs just fit this chapter just well?

**Review if you want to see Franky use a dating website, the Capricorns on a reality show, or if you want to see Lucci write trashy romance novels.**


	41. The Tale of Not Despereaux A Parody

**Author's Note**: So, a few weeks ago, I read _The Tale of Despereaux_. And...The ending . That was one of the worst endings to a book ever. I mean, there are no epic battles or wars in the climax of the fic. All the protagonists and antagonists do at the end is eat soup and there's suddenly a happily ever after. I was all, "WTF? I wanted a battle I'd see in something like One Piece or Final Fantasy or something!"

And, this parody chapter was born. I hope I made the story better.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _The Tale of Despereaux_, any songs sung (no matter how fitting they are), or any references to pop culture.**

* * *

><p>Once upon a time, there was a kingdom simply known as "Guess How Many Chapsticks the Authoress Gave About This Kingdom's Name". Do you know what that title means? It means that the authoress... Well, it means the authoress is throwing a huge rave at the mansion of King Crocodile, Queen Mihawk, and Princess Aki.<p>

"Since when were Mihawk and I in a gay marriage?" Crocodile asked the camera. He was dressed as a sparkly, Italian mafia princess.

"Since the day we started studying the Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere and why it was bad in Non-Anime Japanese Studies at Bovine University," Mihawk explained. He was dressed as a narwhal cowboy.

"Oh, so that's why the anime Senkou no Night Raid exists," Aki piped up. She was dressed as... A water bottle. Mihawk facepalmed.

"You are as useful as an episode of Jerseylicious," Mihawk insulted the Chinese teen.

"Aww! Thank you!" Aki squealed in happiness, ditziness, and magical crack rainbows. Outside the party room...

"No! I don't even do crack cocaine!" Rob Lucci, one of our villains, cried. Aki's maid, Nami, sighed.

"Lucci, I was talking about kidnapping the princess. You DO know that I want to be queen of a kingdom where nobody gives a chapstick, Pop Tarts are the national food, and everyone is required by law to own an erector set," Nami explained. Lucci laughed.

"Erector set? Who writes this stuff?" Lucci cried.

"One of those hyper, anime fangirls," Nami guessed. A bell rang in the background because she was right. Also, a cow walked in with cup ramen for Lucci.

"Thank you, Eleanor, your obligatory Stockholm Syndrome Pirates cameo is over," Lucci thanked the cow as he grabbed his ramen and the chopsticks. Eleanor grew sad and left. "And you wonder why we give this cow frosting,"

Lucci began to eat his ramen. In the other room...

"Oh, Dear Lord! I think I'm having a stroke! This ramen is crap!" Mihawk cried before he passed out for purely expository reasons. Aki felt his pulse, which was still a good pulse.

"No! One of my daddies is dead!" Aki sobbed. The crowd gasped.

"Dat ass," Robin commented. She was wearing a pair of sunglasses.

"Dat ramen," Yuki-Rin commented. She wore a Green Bay Packers jersey for no reason. Then, our favorite Finnick Odair wannabe, Heathcliffe, walked into the room. All he wore were rat ears on top of his head and a black Speedo. Much of the female crowd then whistled.

"Mister, mister! Do you want my money?" Apis asked Heathcliffe as she waved a dollar in the air. Hancock took Apis' money and ripped it up, breaking the law in the process.

"No! We're leaving! There are no strip clubs in the world of _The Tale of Despereaux_!" Hancock cried as she dragged Apis by the wrist.

"Are you my mommy?" Apis asked Hancock.

"Are you a cop? If you are, you have to tell me," Hancock asked back. The room grew silent.

"Yeah! Work it, sexy boy!" Kaya yelled as she twirled a hankerchief in the air.

"Hell yeah! I'm taking you home, baby!" Miss Doublefinger yelled.

"Ladies, ladies, I'm taken," Heathcliffe said. All the single ladies frowned. Then, Holden took off his shirt for no reason.

"_Somebody call 911! Shawty fire burning on the dance floor_!" Holden sang before the happy people dragged him away. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I found this in my pants," Luffy interjected as he pulled some sausage links from his pants. Usopp grabbed his shoulders.

"That's enough, Luffy. We have to get back to work on our celebrity gossip magazine," Usopp said before leading Luffy away. Everyone grew silent, because if they talk, they would be breaking the law of a small village in Sweden.

"So... Now what?" Crocodile asked everyone. Doflamingo dropped down from the ceiling.

"Bacon is good for me!" Doflamingo shouted before he put a bucket on his head and ran off. Everyone grew silent again.

"Why are we here again?" Sanji asked everyone.

"Because President Snow forced Finnick into prostitution, that's why," Nami said as she entered the room. Sanji threw his copy of _Mockingjay_ at Nami.

"Thanks for spoiling the ending for me! I'm only on the scene where Plutarch talks about his singing contest!" Sanji yelled. Everyone grew silent again.

"Shut the Sgt. Frog!" Lucci cried.

"No. I don't want to," Crocodile said as he crossed his arms.

"If you say so..." Lucci said before he tore off his clothes and top hat. Underneath, he wore a Shirley Temple wig and something Shirley Temple would wear. "Kicking ass and taking names... Shirley Temple wants you to come at her, bitches."

Crocodile facepalmed.

"I'm sorry. I can't take this chapter seriously anymore," Crocodile apologized before he grabbed Mihawk and dragged him away.

"Are we going to Disneyland?" Mihawk asked Crocodile.

"No. Shut up before I have to call the cops," Crocodile threatened. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Where is your princess?" Heathcliffe asked the ravers.

"In another castle!" Kazuma yelled. Somebody threw a T.V. at Kazuma. "Holla!"

Aki stepped foward. Everyone grew silent.

"_I saw you sliding out the bar_  
><em>I saw you slipping out the back door, baby<em>  
><em>Don't even try and find a line this time, it's fine<em>  
><em>Darling, you're still divine.<em>

_You don't love me at all, but don't think that it bothers me at all_  
><em>You're a bad-hearted, boy-trap, baby-doll, but you're...<em>  
><em>You're so damn hot<em>  
><em>You're so damn hot<em>," Aki sang before she and Heathcliffe made out in front of everyone. Nami facepalmed.

"Get a room! There are children, women, and _Inception_ characters present!" Nami yelled.

"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling," Eames said before he dragged a screaming Arthur out of the room.

"No! Fuck toast!" Lucci yelled as he threw an entire toaster out the window. Doflamingo then re-entered the room. He was dressed as a rapper, and he even had a large boombox.

"_Take your canvas bags, take your canvas bags, take your canvas bags to the supermarket! All the fellas in the house, come on and let me hear you say 'canvas'_ –" Doflamingo sang.

"_Canvas_!" Bepo sang. But, nobody heard him because he was dressed as Alan from _The Hangover_. Capone was Carlos the baby. Heathcliffe glared sexily at Aki and Nami.

"You, at ten. You, at ten-thirty. Bring a friend," Heathcliffe demanded before he picked up Aki bridal-style and carried her off.

"Ooh, Sarutobi-kun, ooh!" Aki cooed. Everyone grew silent.

"Where are my kids?" Bepo asked everyone. Nami facepalmed again in this chapter as Sengoku arrived with pizza for everyone.

"Heathcliffe, it's me, your Uncle Lester! I –" Sengoku announced before Nami cut him off.

"Are we playing a game of 'How much awkwardness and crack can we fit into the final lines of this oneshot'?" Nami asked Sengoku. The room grew silent, again, saved for the UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ sounds Bepo was making.

"Cersei Lannister is hot. Your arguement is invalid," Sengoku stated before he climbed onto dinosaur!X. Drake. "Come, Janice, we are going to the Hello Kitty kingdom!"

Then, X. Drake barfed a rainbow and he flew away with Sengoku. Nami sighed.

"This is why the authoress thought _The Tale of Despereaux_ sucked. The end," Nami said.

"Hey! Where the FUCK is my epic fantasy battle?" Yuki-Rin cried. She was then restrained by several donkeys and Kagamine Len.

"What are you doing here?" Sanji asked the shota.

"It's a summer job. Please don't tell my parents," Len explained.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see the CP9 judge a singing contest, Doflamingo becoming a nanny, or if you want to see Moria dress up as Shirley Temple.<strong>


	42. The Thing Going on Later Today

**Author's Note**: Want to know what this thing is that Nami is talking about? You're going to have to wait until the last third of the chapter or so.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was Cinco de MayoChildren's Day/Adele's birthday, and Nami was talking on the phone.

"Right... I'll see you all later for the thing. Bring the food, since you've got a huge-ass crew," Nami said before she hung up. Luffy walked in, and he was covered in sticky notes.

"Nami, what's the meaning to the song _The State of Massachusetts_?" Luffy asked Nami.

"Not now, Luffy. I have to plan for this thing going on later today," Nami explained.

"Thing? What thing?" Luffy asked Nami.

"You'll see. Let's just say that Green Day will be played, candy will be given out, and we will all watch Game of Thrones," Nami explained. "In fact, take Usopp out for a while. He needs fresh air."

Nami motioned to Usopp, who was running in a hamster wheel.

"_Don't wanna be an American idiot! Don't want a nation that_ –" Usopp sang before the hamster wheel broke apart. "Ow. My spleen."

A few minutes later, Luffy and Usopp were wandering the island, which was a bastardization of Las Vegas.

"_Do you know the enemy? Do you know your enemy_?" Luffy and Usopp sang as they skipped down the lane. They then came across the Hyperion.

"Hey! Let's go visit the Capricorns! Maybe they know about the thing!" Luffy suggested. A minute later, Usopp and Luffy were on an empty Hyperion.

"Hello? Are you guys hiding from the police again?" Usopp called out. Luffy picked up Kartik's bow and an arrow. "Luffy, what are you doing?"

"I'm Katniss," Luffy answered before he shot the arrow at Usopp, who caught it in his mouth.

"Mmm! Tastes like Chatot!" Usopp commented. A few minutes later, Luffy and Usopp were going through the Capricorns' DVD collection.

"Hmm... _Inception_, _The Hunger Games_, _The Muppets_, _Kung-Fu Panda_, _Watchmen_, _Superbad_, _The Phantom of the Opera_, _Summer Wars_, _Scott Pilgrim vs. The World_, _Little Miss Sunshine_, _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_, _Beauty and the Beast_, _Spirited Away_, _The Hangover_, _Jackass_, Sherlock, _Pride and Prejudice_, _Breakfast at Tiffany's_, The Spongebob Squarepants Movie, _Kung-Fu Hustle_, _The Sweetest Thing_, _Alice in Wonderland_, _The Cider House Rules_, _P.S. I Love You_, _John Tucker Must Die_, Entourage, Game of Thrones, _The Departed_, _Bend it Like Beckham_, _The Help_, _Hall Pass_... Sex in the City? _Getting High in the Barrio_? Flogging Molly: Live at the Greek Theater? Ouran High School Host Club? _Lestat_?" Usopp cried. "Why do the Capricorns have very WTF tastes in movies?"

"I dunno. I found Hetalia, _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_, _Disaster Movie_, _Spanglish_, the first Pokémon movie, _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_, _Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children_, _The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya_, _King Kong_, Lucky Star, _Flowers of War_, _Crossroads_, Night Raid 1931, Bleach, Dowton Abbey, _Sex Drive_, and _The Notebook_ in my pile," Luffy explained. Usopp screamed in horror.

"Not _The Notebook_! Manly men don't watch that! Kill it with fire!" Usopp cried. Luffy got out a blowtorch.

"I'm on it," Luffy said before he threw the copy of_ The Notebook_ and the blowtorch out the window.

"Okay, we're done here. The Capricorns' choices in movies scare me," Usopp stated.

"Yep! Plus, we need to find out what the thing is!" Luffy said. A few minutes later, they arrived at the island's Marine base, where Garp was reading a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

"Gramos, what's this thing Nami's talking about?" Luffy asked Garp.

"Thing? What thing?" Garp asked Luffy.

"THE thing. Nami was talking about some thing going on later, and we need to find out what it is," Usopp explained. Garp laughed before he drank some anifreeze from a pineapple.

"Look, kids, you need to stop doing drugs. Just watch this video, and all trace of whatever thing this is will vanish through your minds," Garp explained as he held up a DVD of the movie _Mean Girls_. A few minutes later...

"I promise not to have sex, Coach Carr!" Usopp cried.

"I don't want to get pregnant and die!" Luffy cried. Usopp pimp-slapped Luffy.

"Get a hold of yourself, man! We're a more family-friendly version of Harold and Kumar! We've got this!" Usopp cried.

"But... The only way out is through the perfume department," Luffy cried as he pointed to a perfume department that magically appeared. Usopp shuddered.

"Get my gun," Usopp said. A few hours later, they made it out of the perfume department.

"My spleen..." Usopp moaned before he passed out. Luffy gasped.

"Usopp!" Luffy cried. Then, Luffy went through Usopp's pockets. A few seconds later, he pulled out a sandwich. "Hey! I could use this sandwich!"

Usopp woke up and bitch-slapped Luffy.

"That's my sandwich. I was going to have Bridget Regan from Flogging Molly sign it when we go to Bonnaroo," Usopp explained. Luffy sighed.

"Wanna get some meat?" Luffy asked Usopp. A few minutes later, they ended up at Starbucks.

"This place is too mainstream," Usopp said, mocking a certain hipster. Luffy laughed.

"I don't get it," Luffy stated. The two buddies grew silent.

"You watch too much America's Next Top Model," Usopp stated. Then, Usopp's phone rang.

"Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color? Uh-huh. Yeah, I can get drunk with you! Got a problem with that, bitch? Don't make me get my gun!" Usopp yelled before he remembered that he was in the presence of his captain. "Yeah, sure, I'll be right there."

Usopp threw his phone into Crocodile's face.

"Fuck! Son of a Snorlax!" Crocodile yelled, since we didn't have enough Pokémon refrences in this story.

"Luffy, I have to go. Sanji wants me to buy some pantyhose at the store," Usopp explained.

"Drive safely!" Luffy advised Usopp before he left. "Darn. Now what am I going to do? Starbucks is so boring!"

A few minutes later, Luffy was walking down the street.

"_All the other kids with the pumped-up kicks_," Luffy sang to himself before his phone rang. "I have a phone?"

Luffy got his bacon phone out of his pocket and answered his phone.

"_Luffy! The thing's about to start! Come back before you miss it_!" Nami said over the phone before she hung up.

"Sugoi! The thing's going to begin! Wait... What's the thing?" Luffy asked himself. A few minutes later, Luffy arrived at the Thousand Sunny.

"Nami, what's the thing?" Luffy called out.

"We're in here! The thing's about to begin!" Sanji called out from the lounge. Luffy ran into the lounge, which was empty.

"Oh, for the love of cheesesteak!" Luffy cried. On cue, the Straw Hats, the Capricorns, Ace, Sabo, and the Supernovas jumped out from various hiding places.

"Surprise! Happy birthday, Luffy!" The pirates yelled. Luffy's eyes grew wide.

"Sugoi! A surprise party for me?" Luffy cried.

"No duh! It is your birthday!" Nami stated. A Rayquaza then flew into the room.

"Who's that Pokémon?" The voices of Ash, Misty, and Brock asked from the Heavens above.

"It's Pikachu!" Ace yelled.

"It's... Rayquaza!" The voices of Ash, Misty, and Brock announced.

"I like trains," Rayquaza stated derpily before he flew off.

"Fuck yo' couch!" Ace yelled to the flying legendary.

"LOL. Ace said a bad word," Luffy said derpily. Heathcliffe then walked up to Luffy and took off his shirt. "Huh? Are you gay for me?"

"Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now, look at me. Now, back at your man. Now, back to me. Sadly –" Heathcliffe explained before Kazuma tackled him to the ground.

"You pineapple! Only I'm supposed to recite the Old Spice commercials, because I'm a man!" Kazuma yelled. Heathcliffe slapped Kazuma across the cheek.

"Bitch, the ladies love me!" Heathcliffe argued. The fighting between Heathcliffe and Kazuma then escalated into a fight between everyone but Luffy and the females.

"You wear mis-matched socks!" Sanji yelled to Kartik before he broke his nose. Ace then threw Sanji like a javelin into Hatori and Apoo.

"You have five seconds to say 'uncle'!" Kaoru yelled as he tackled Ace and held him under a table. Ace kicked Karou in the nuts and threw the table out the window.

"Come at me, mother Ice Road Truckers!" Sabo yelled as he made some blurred-out finger gestures at the camera before hitting Heathcliffe and Zoro with his pipe.

"Hot wings..." Zoro said before he passed out. Luffy looked to the confused females.

"This is the best birthday ever!" Luffy said. Nami facepalmed.

"Wanna watch _The Notebook_ with us?" Aki asked Luffy. Yuki-Rin, Molly, Bonney, Nami, and Luffy screamed.

"Not _The Notebook_!" Luffy, Yuki-Rin, Molly, Bonney, and Nami screamed before they ran off the ship screaming.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Happy birthday, Luffy! Your surprise party was this thing everyone was talking about!

**Review if you want to see Aki give Blackbeard a makeover, the Straw Hat males in a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy parody, or if you want to see Crocodile and Doflamingo play with Barbies.**

**P.S. Be sure to vote in my poll. I'm planning something for the one-year anniversary of this fic, and I want you to vote for the top five oneshots in this story.**


	43. October Double Rainbow Sky

**Author's Note**: Okay, so, about a week ago, my friend and I got a surprise - We had a substitute teacher in chemistry class, which rarely happens. Since we had a sub, he showed us the movie _October Sky_, a movie about high school boys in a 1950's coal mining town who try and build a rocket. Then, we were discussing the movie at lunch, and this parody was born!

Oh, and if seems like Kazuma gets the short end of the stick in this chapter, it's because my friend reads my fanfics and hates Kazuma for some reason. She does love Heathcliffe and Daisuke, though.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _October Sky_.**

* * *

><p>The small town of Vodkawood, West Virginia, was a small, coal mining town. Almost all of the men were coal miners if they weren't teachers, chefs, gas station attendants, store clerks, or sexy male models. Also, it was expected that the boys of the town would grow up to be coal miners.<p>

But, Heathcliffe Sarutobi, Kazuma Miyafuji, Daisuke Saburo, and Gareth Archer decided one day to "Screw that, let's make a famous webshow like Smosh".

"Dude... I think we're on drugs," Gareth commented as the four watched Invader Zim at Heathcliffe's house.

"I didn't give you drugs," Daisuke said. Heathcliffe facepalmed.

"Guys, we're watching Invader Zim. Just drop it, okay?" Heathcliffe asked. The four boys grew silent.

"What's on T.V. next?" Kazuma asked.

"Can we watch _Jackass_?" Daisuke asked his friends.

"_You are a Jackass_," Heathcliffe, Kazuma, and Gareth thought to themselves as Heathcliffe's father, who was Okama!Sanji, entered the house.

"Oh, it's just you and your derpy friends," Okama!Sanji stated. He had a voice that was somewhere in between a male and a female's voice. "I thought Holden was back already from that mad party."

Holden entered, wearing dress clothes and smelling of wine.

"I'm back," Holden moaned sexily.

"_Oh to the my fucking God. What in the name of Panic! At the Disco have they done to my brother_?" Heathcliffe thought to himself.

"Did you get the sausages?" Okama!Sanji asked Holden.

"No, but I got laid – I mean, I got several Disney coloring books," Holden explained as he pulled out a stack of Disney coloring books.

"I want one," Daisuke said.

"Whatever happened to those Pokémon coloring books I gave you?" Gareth asked.

"My cat ate them," Daisuke answered. Gareth tazed him. "Okay, I lied! Yulia soaked them in gasoline and burned them on my front lawn! Then, she burned all of my My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic T-shirts. Then, she blocked My Life is Average on my computer. Then, she gave my cat back to Katniss Everdeen. Then, Katniss and Yulia got into a cat fight over a cat."

"You had a cat?" Everyone in the room asked Daisuke.

"His name was 'Ska Music'. He liked ska music," Daisuke explained.

"Hey, look, I found a cow," Gareth said as he motioned to a Miltank. Daisuke walked over to the Miltank and began shaking it.

_Shake dat ting, Miss Kana Kana_  
><em>Shake dat ting, Miss Annabella<em>  
><em>Shake dat ting, yan, Donna Donna<em>  
><em>Jodi and Rebecca<em>

_Woman, get busy_  
><em>Jus shake dat booty non-stop<em>  
><em>When tha beat drops,<em>  
><em>Jus keep swingin' it<em>  
><em>Get jiggy, get crunked up<em>  
><em>Percolate<em> –

Okama!Sanji threw the speakers playing the music out the window.

"Hey, hey, hey! Only my straight, manly alter ego can shake cows to make milkshakes! You make it look trashy!" Okama!Sanji told Daisuke.

"Nice going, Daisuke, you just violated a Pokémon," Gareth said.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the four boys went off to do their own things, since they decided to have a sleepover. Heathcliffe was in the shower, Gareth was coloring in one of Holden's coloring books, Kazuma went missing, Holden was waiting for Heathcliffe to be done with his shower so he could take a shower, and Daisuke was watching T.V.<p>

"You're gonna love my nuts."

Daisuke giggled like a schoolgirl.

"The Slap Chop commercial never gets old," Daisuke commented.

"Coming up next on Anime Network… _October Sky_."

"What? They said Night Raid 1931 was going to be on!" Daisuke cried. Some time later…

"Hmm… A group of teenagers builds a rocket and they get recognized like China in Hetalia. Sounds totes legit," Daisuke said to himself. "Guys, come on down! I've got a legit, wholesome activity we can do!"

Gareth, Kazuma, Holden, and Heathcliffe ran into the room. Heathcliffe and Holden were wearing only towels that was about to fall off their waists, Gareth held up a pretty picture of Princess Tiana, and Kazuma was holding a pair of Natalie Portman's shoes.

"What is it? I've got to go meet some female bros," Kazuma asked Daisuke, who grinned.

"We may end up on _Jackass_ for this, but I don't give a lemonade stand," Daisuke explained.

* * *

><p>"A rocket? You want to build a rocket?"<p>

It was Monday, and the four bishies were telling their homeroom teacher, Nico Robin, about the plan.

"Yep! We want to prove to the school that nerds can be sexy!" Heathcliffe added.

"You're not one of the nerds, Heathcliffe. From what I see, you hang out with the punk rock kids," Robin explained. Heathcliffe looked down at his Rise Against T-shirt, his black skinny jeans, his black Converse shoes, his black-and-red fingerless gloves, and his spiked dog collar.

"Oh, no, you didn't!" Heathcliffe yelled. Sadly, the Oh, No, You Didn't song didn't play. Robin sighed as she beagn cutting up some Cuban cigars to smoke.

"Alright, you can build a rocket. But, come to me if Heathcliffe gets injured or dies in the process. We can't afford to lose the school's number-one eye candy," Robin explained.

"I thought I was number one," Kazuma said.

"You're not. It's Heathcliffe and his brothers," Gareth pointed out. Kazuma began crying.

"But, I'm a real man! Heathcliffe… He uses his girlfriend's shampoo! I use Axe shampoo! Therefore, I should be number one!" Kazuma cried. Daisuke taped a toy dinosaur to Kazuma's mouth.

"Shh… Shh… Everything's going to be okay," Daisuuke re-assured the angry, Japanese boy. Kazuma ripped the tape off of his mouth.

"You'll pay for this! Wait until I call my lawyer!" Kazuma cried as he pulled out a toy phone. Gareth sighed.

"Miss Robin, may I be excused?" Gareth asked his teacher, who stood up.

"I'll come with you. Let's ditch and go to Universal Studios," Robin suggested.

"Robin, you're the best teacher ever that isn't Mr. News Coo," Gareth said as he pointed to a News Coo bird smoking a cigarette.

"Squawk! I'm on shrooms!" The News Coo squawked. Later that day, Heathcliffe was walking home from school with supplies to build a rocket in a box decorated with Hello Kitty stickers.

"_I love cats. I love every kind of cat. I just want to hug them_ –" Heathcliffe sang to himself before he noticed that Gareth's dad, Monkey D. Luffy, was beating him up.

"Ow! Hey! What the hell are you doing?" Gareth cried as Luffy pimp-slapped him.

"Why won't you make me bacon?" Luffy asked Gareth.

"I wanted Chinese food! It's got meat!" Gareth argued. Luffy kicked Gareth in his vital regions.

"You shoebox! There is no bacon in China!" Luffy yelled. Heathcliffe picked up Gareth.

"Yeah, there's bacon in China. Google it," Heathcliffe said before he walked off with Gareth.

"Where are we going?" Gareth asked Heathcliffe.

"Rise Against concert," Heathcliffe answered.

"Really?" Gareth asked.

"I wish. But, because of Kazuma, I have to miss the Rise Against concert. I mean, My Chemical Romance and Red Jumpsuit Apparatus were supposed to headline," Heathcliffe explained.

"Emo," Gareth said under his breath.

"What did you just call me? IDK what you called me, and neither does Google Translate! Take it back!" Heathcliffe cried. Gareth sighed.

"Oh, for Chuck Testa's sake," Gareth said under his breath. A few minutes later, the four boys arrived at a ditch, ready to launch their rocket. The entire town of Vodkawood was watching them.

"Can we hurry this up? Jersey Shore's on in ten minutes!" Okama!Sanji cried as he smoked a cigarette.

"I need to go to the bank to deposit my ATM!" Igaram cried as he held up an ATM.

"I need to go get laid – I mean, eat some candy," Holden said.

"I need to watch anime," Yuki-Rin said as she held up a boxset for the anime Baccano.

"I need to –" Chopper said before Heathcliffe cut him off.

"Shut up! Nobody cares about your farm!" Heathcliffe yelled to the reindeer before he turned to Daisuke, Gareth, and Kazuma. "Okay, before we can launch the rocket, we need to –"

"Too late," Kazuma said as he pointed to the rocket, which hit Kazuma's house. "Well, there goes some poor guy's house."

"Kazuma, that was your house," Gareth pointed out. Kazuma grew silent.

"Oh, shit," Kazuma said before he ran off. Okama!Sanji stripped off his dress, revealing that he (or she) was actually Sanji.

"_I like all the girls and all the girls like me! I like all the girls and all the girls like me_!" Sanji sang badly before he skipped off into the sunset with a leg of lamb. Heathcliffe sweatdropped.

"Well, then, I'm going home," Heathcliffe said. A few minutes later, Heathcliffe arrived home. "I'm home!"

"No, Bepo, stop!"

"I can't! We're already this far, so we have to keep going!"

"Ahh! Why does this hurt so much?"

"Are you high? Is this, like, your first time?"

"No! I liked it better when I did it with Yuki-Rin!"

Heathcliffe calmly walked to the bathroom, stripped off his clothes, entered the shower, and turned on the shower.

"Oh, Holden, you Finnick Odair wannabe, you," Heathcliffe commented. Outside, Bepo and Holden were playing lawn darts.

"Did you hear something?" The polar bear known as Bepo asked Holden.

"Nope," Holden said with a smile. "But, I think it's your turn."

"Fair enough," Bepo said as he got out a giant lawn dart.

"Bitch, put that down," Holden commanded sexily.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see Crocodile and Mihawk run a lemonade stand, Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren getting lost in an IKEA, or if you want to see Zoro make out with a mattress.<strong>


	44. First Anniversary Special!

**Author's Note**: Happy 1st anniversary of this fanfic! I can't believe a whole year of crack has already went by. But, just because this is the 1st anniversary chapter doesn't mean that this fic will end soon - I see no end in sight to this fic.

And, without further ado, let's play... The Weakest Link! You are encouraged to gather fellow authors up to challenge each other with trivia for **The DysFUNctional Pirates.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except the Capricorn Pirates.**

* * *

><p>It was the first anniversary of this fanfic, and Silvers Rayleigh sat on a podium on the stage for The Weakest Link.<p>

"Hello, readers, and happy anniversary, **The DysFUNctional Pirates**! I'm your host, Silvers Rayleigh, and this is… The Weakest Link!" Rayleigh announced as several spotlights shown on the players, who were the Straw Hats. "Without further ado, let's introduce our players!

"I'm Luffy, and I gonna be King of the Pirates!"

"I'm Zoro, and I'm going back to sleep."

Zoro fell asleep.

"I'm Nami, and I'm gonna win this like Charlie Sheen!"

"I'm Captain Usopp, and I like trains!"

"I'm Sanji, and when I win, I will spend all my money on the Mellorines out there!"

"I'm Chopper, and I'm cute!"

"I'm Robin. Nico Robin."

"Supah! I'm Franky!"

"Yohohoho! I'm Brook! Ladies, may I see your panties?"

"Not now, Brook, I have to go over the rules," Rayleigh said. "So, anyway, you'll all answer questions pertaining to this fanfic. Get them right, you win money. Get them wrong, you lose all of your money that isn't in the bank. At the end of each round, one pirate gets voted off until there are none left. Capiche?"

Everyone grew silent.

"When does the crack begin?" Usopp asked Rayleigh.

"Right now! Luffy, for a penny – What is the title of the oneshot that came before this one?" Rayleigh asked Luffy.

"Hmm… I think I was in it. I think it had to do with Double Rainbows. Was it… _October Double Rainbow Sky_?" Luffy asked.

"Correct! Zoro, for a dollar, who was the main female character in _Tech Support_?" Rayleigh asked Zoro, who was still asleep.

"No, Perona, I told you not to eat the jellyfish!" Zoro cried in his sleep.

"Correct! Nami, for five dollars –" Rayleigh said before Nami cut him off.

"Bank," Nami ordered.

"Okay, for five dollars, what song did the Capricorns sing in _Kazuma and the Magic Toaster_?" Rayleigh asked Nami.

"_Eastern European Funk_. They were –" Nami said before Rayleigh cut her off.

"Bitch, I didn't ask for your opinion, but you're correct," Rayleigh said before he turned to Usopp. "Usopp, for ten dollars, what famous book – and now movie – trilogy was parodied in chapter 38? One hint – The authoress REALLY loves that series and it made her cry. The authoress recently published a director's cut of it, too," Rayleigh asked the consummate liar.

"What is _The Hunger Games_?" Usopp asked back.

"And may the odds be ever in your favor, since you are right!" Rayleigh announced. "Sanji, for fifteen dollars, who were you guys searching for in chapter 15?"

"Mansopp. That was a day I'll never get back," Sanji said, shaking his head.

"Ding, ding, ding! Correct! Chopper, for twenty dollars, who celebrated their birthday in chapter 35?" Rayleigh asked.

"Me!" Chopper said like a diva.

"Correct! Robin, for twenty-five dollars, what is the unofficial theme song for this fanfic?" Rayleigh asked Robin.

"_Oh, no, You Didn't_ from Mercenaries," Robin said.

"Oh, no, you didn't! You guys are on a roll!" Rayleigh commented. "Franky, this is a hard one… For fifty dollars, what type of contest occurred in chapter 24?"

"Hmm... I'll bank first," Franky said. "Was it… A Shirley Temple look-a-like contest?"

"Correct!" Rayleigh yelled. "Brooky-Brook, for a hundred dollars, who sung the Hatsune Miku song _World is Mine_ in _VV: Vocaloid Victimization_?"

"Nami and her panties!" Brook yelled. Rayleigh shot a NERF dart at him.

"Close enough, back to Luffy!" Rayleigh announced. "Luffy, for a hundred and fifty dollars, who got sick in _Blame it on Flogging Molly Songs_?"

"Was it… Kazuma? IDK. I want meat," Luffy said.

"Right you are, little man!" Rayleigh announced. "Zoro, for two hundred dollars, who has an apparent porn addiction in this fic?"

"No, Moria, we went over this yesterday. You're going to sex rehab while I babysit your house!" Zoro yelled in his sleep.

"And, Bingo was his name-o!" Rayleigh sang. "Okay, Nami, for two hundred and fifty dollars, what was the pairing in _Bad Yaoi Freaks_?"

"It was Kazuma and… Crap, I forgot his name, but I know he was a Sarutobi. Was it… Kazuma and Heathcliffe?" Nami asked. A klaxon went off, because klaxon is still a fun word to say.

"Sorry, but you lose all of your money! It was Kazuma x Holden," Rayleigh explained.

"What the fu –" Nami cried. The scene flash-fowarded to several hours later.

"Okay, after much deliberation and consumption of donuts and coffee, Nami is out of the game," Rayleigh announced. "Usopp, for a penny, what song was ALMOST sung in at least two chapters? I'll give you a hint – It's a really famous song that REALLY should be in the fanfic."

"I got this," Usopp said before turning to the audience. "Hey, Yuki-Rin, it's time!"

The Capricorns walked on the stage.

"Hey, hey, hey! No outside help!" Rayleigh shouted.

"Shut up, or you're having Canadian bacon tonight!" Usopp yelled.

"_Is this the real life?_  
><em>Is this just fantasy?<em>  
><em>Caught in a landslide,<em>  
><em>No escape from reality<em>  
><em>Open your eyes,<em>  
><em>Look up to the skies and see,<em>  
><em>I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,<em>  
><em>Because I'm easy come, easy go,<em>  
><em>Little high, little low,<em>  
><em>Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to<em>  
><em>Me, to me<em>," The Capricorn males sang. Daisuke stepped forward.

"_Mama,_  
><em>I just killed a man,<em>  
><em>Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger<em>  
><em>Now he's dead<em>  
><em>Mama... Life had just begun,<em>  
><em>But now I've gone and thrown it all away<em>  
><em>Mamaaaaa, oooh,<em>  
><em>Didn't mean to make you cry,<em>  
><em>If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,<em>  
><em>Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters<em>

_Too late, my time has come,_  
><em>Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all<em>  
><em>The time<em>  
><em>Goodbye, ev'rybody, I've got to go,<em>  
><em>Got to leave you all behind and face the truth<em>  
><em>Mamaaaaa, oooh,<em>  
><em>I don't want to die,<em>  
><em>I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all<em>," Daisuke sang. Then, Heathcliffe got out his guitar and performed a long guitar solo.

"Usopp, what are they doing?" Luffy asked Usopp.

"Ssh! We never sang this song in the fic!" Usopp yelled. Heathcliffe, Kazuma, Daisuke, Holden, Soren, Gareth, Wolfgang, and Enlai stepped forward.

"_I see a little sillhouetto of a man_," Gareth sang.

"_Scaramouche!_  
><em>Scaramouche!<em>  
><em>Will you do the Fandango?<em>  
><em>Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening<em>!" Heathcliffe, Kazuma, Holden, Soren, Wolfgang, and Enlai sang.

"_Galileo_!" Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren sang.

"_Galileo_!" Kazuma sang.

"_Galileo_!" Gareth sang.

"_Galileo_!" Wolfgang and Enlai sang.

"_Galileo, Figaro – Magnifico_!" The Capricorn males sang.

"_I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me_!" Hatori sang.

"_He's just a poor boy from a poor family!_  
><em>Spare him his life from this monstrosity<em>!" Aria, Z.G., Karin, Drusilla, Yuki-Rin, Showtarou, Mikuri, Sayuki, Rubio, Sadie, Kaoru, Mina, and Thierry sang.

"_Easy come, easy go,_  
><em>Will you let me go<em>?" Sebastian sang. But, the music then cut off as Doflamingo and Crocodile entered. Doflamingo was dressed as Alexander Pettyfer and Crocodile was dressed as a TGI Fridays waiter.

"You guys are under arrest for no reason," Doflamingo said before the Capricorns were dragged off.

"_'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside_!" Heathcliffe sang as he was carried off. Many rounds later, it was down to the final two contestants – Zoro (who was still asleep) and Usopp.

"Okay, whoever gets three answers right wins all of the money in the bank," Rayleigh explained.

"And that amounts to?" Usopp asked.

"Twenty bucks," Rayleigh answered as he waved a twenty Beri bill in the air.

"I, the great Captain Usopp, will play the Game and lose the Game!" Usopp announced. Zoro awoke.

"Flapjacks! I lost the Game!" Zoro cried. Rayleigh laughed.

"First question – Usopp, name one song that was played in this parody," Rayleigh explained. Then, Usopp tore himself in half, revealing somebody familiar.

"Oh, hell no! Not this again!" Zoro cried.

"Y u no Katniss Everdeen?" Rayleigh cried.

_We're no strangers to love_  
><em>You know the rules, and so do I<em>  
><em>A full commitment's what I'm thinking of<em>  
><em>You wouldn't get this from any other guy<em>  
><em>I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling<em>  
><em>Gotta make you understand<em>

_Never gonna give you up_  
><em>Never gonna let you down<em>  
><em>Never gonna run around and desert you<em>  
><em>Never gonna make you cry<em>  
><em>Never gonna say goodbye<em>  
><em>Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you<em>

The entire audience screamed.

"Run for your lives! It's Rick Astley!" Rayleigh screamed before everyone ran away. Usopp then entered the empty game show set.

"What happened here?" Usopp asked nobody in particular. Then, he threw up a rainbow because Heathcliffe is sexy. "Ah, well, at least I can drink milk when I get back to the Sunny."

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Hahahaha! You've been Rick-Rolled, again! Bet you weren't expecting it!

**Review if you want to see another year of crack!**


	45. How to Survive an Anime Con

**Author's Note**: Well, since I'm going to AM2, an anime con near Disneyland, on Saturday, I figured that it would only be natural to write a chapter of this fic set at an anime con. It may not seem that cracky, but it provides some helpful tips on how to survive an anime con.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>Nami and Vivi were on the Thousand Sunny, making sandwiches. This would seem ordinary, but Nami was cosplaying as Kagura from Ga-Rei Zero and Vivi was cosplaying as a mage from Final Fantasy.<p>

"Oh, hey!" Nami greeted the audience. "If you're wondering why we're making sandwiches in costumes, we'll explain everything in a cracky manner."

"So, basically, the authoress is going to an anime con in a couple of days, so we figured, 'Hey, we're going to an anime con today, so we might as well make a survival guide'," Vivi explained.

"Yeah, we know people, so we're getting in for free," Nami explained.

"So says the pineapple," Vivi muttered.

"Hey! Take that back!" Nami yelled. "Anyway, the first rule of surviving an anime con is to always pack food and drinks. I'm sure some of you remember the bomb scare at Anime Expo last year."

"I remember that! We had to walk around the perimeter of the con to get some lunch!" Vivi said. (1)

"And, it was hot out, too," Nami added. "Also, wear cooler costumes if it's going to be hot outside. Always check the weather before you go, since you don't want your face makeup melting in the sun or a good paint job ruined in the rain."

"Or, if it's raining, change into your cosplay when you get to the con," Vivi added.

"Or, don't go at all and miss the con and be sad," Nami added. Holden then stepped into the room, and he was only wearing a towel wrapped around him.

"Is this my house?" Holden innocently asked Nami and Vivi, who sweatdropped. "Oh, always take a shower the night before or the morning of the con. You'll get the ladies – or sexy gentlemen like me – if you do."

The whistling theme you hear at the end of the Old Spice commercials went off.

"This isn't an Old Spice commercial," Vivi told Holden.

"And this isn't Toddlers and Tiaras," Holden said.

"What does that show have to do with anime cons?" Nami asked Holden.

"No clue," Holden said. "Now, do any of you have any conditioner?"

Some time later, Nami and Vivi arrived at the convention center where the anime con would be taking place. Many other people at the con were in cosplay like them.

"Nami… Why is Dr. Kureha here?" Vivi asked Nami as she pointed to the aformentioned doctor, who was dressed in a sexy schoolgirl outfit.

"She's a swinger. I'd expect that much from her," Nami explained. "Oh, by the way, don't cosplay when you're past your prime."

A few minutes later, Nami and Vivi approached the registration counter.

"Thankfully, for us, the line for registration is short. Get to a registration line early so you won't waste all of the con in a line," Nami explained as they approached the registration counter. Sitting at the counter was Akainu, who was wearing cat ears.

"I need your registration info," Akainu said. Nami and Vivi handed Akainu their registration papers.

"Oh, and always bring your registration info," Vivi told the audience.

"Unless you're going to AM2, since you can just walk in for that con," Nami added. Akainu handed Nami and Vivi their con badges, which were Victoria's Secret gift cards attached to lanyards with My Little Pony characters on them.

"Enjoy the con while I… Watch these people get their badges," Akainu said before Vivi and Nami ran off.

"Now, we can have some fun!" Nami said as she and Vivi skipped into the dealer's room.

"Always go to the dealer's room and/or Artists' Alley first to do a bit of window shopping," Vivi explained.

"You'll never know what you're gonna find, so grab those deals before some other loser takes them!" Nami said as she picked up a Pikachu hat. "I'd like to buy this hat, please."

"That'll be ten beri," Mihawk, who was dressed as Madoka from Madoka Magica, said. With a sigh, Nami forked over her money for the hat.

"Hey! I was going to buy that hat!" Daisuke – who was cosplaying as Youngster Joey from Pokémon – cried. Yulia (who was dressed as a member of Organization XIII), facepalmed.

"When we get home, I'm showing you Gareth's Minecraft videos," Yulia muttered.

"I heard that," Gareth – who was dressed as a tree in Minecraft – said.

"Why are you a tree? I thought you were supposed to be a Ginjinka Abomasnow," Holden – who was a Ginjinka Houndoom – pointed out.

"Because your black pimp coat for your cosplay scares me," Gareth answered. "By the way, it is never a good idea to cosplay as a tree for an anime con. Especially one from Minecraft."

An hour later, Vivi and Nami left the dealer's room/Artists' Alley with tons of anime merchandise.

"Well, since your authoress has never gone to a panel at an anime con before, we'll skip that part," Nami explained.

"So, next, we're going to cover karaoke," Vivi said as they entered the karaoke room. Inside, Kizaru, who was dressed as Maka from Soul Eater (complete with the pigtails), was singing.

"_I like ice cream, I like ice cream_  
><em>How about you? How about you?<em>  
><em>Topped with chocolate syrup, topped with chocolate syrup<em>  
><em>Whipped cream, too. Whipped cream, too<em>," Kizaru sang. Vivi and Nami grew pale.

"On second thought, let's skip that and cover cosplay meet-ups," Nami said as she covered Vivi's eyes and ushered her out of the karaoke room.

"So, basically, Kizaru was being a creeper times ten, so we're going to a cosplay meet-up," Vivi explained. "But, what fandom is it for?"

"Pokémon Ginjinkas," Nami answered as they approached the Capricorns, who were all Pokémon Ginjinkas, except for Daisuke, who was still Youngster Joey.

"How did I change cosplays so fast?" Gareth – who was now a Ginjinka Abomasnow – asked himself.

"Because you can," Soren, who was a Ginjinka Honchkrow, answered.

"How come you get to be the pimping, dark Pokémon?" Heathcliffe – who was not a Ginjinka, but a gothic Mad Hatter – asked Soren.

"Because I'm the oldest," Soren said with a tip of his black, pimp hat.

"No fair, I wanna be a pimp Pokémon," Holden muttered to himself. Vivi and Nami sighed.

"Well, then, let's take a break and have some lunch," Nami said. Several hours later…

"Sorry, we couldn't offer anymore con-related advice. We were too busy taking pictures, eating, and shopping," Nami explained to the audience.

"And smoking," Vivi added.

"Vivi, we weren't smoking," Nami said.

"Then, who did?" Vivi asked Nami.

"I don't know," Nami said with a sigh. "Anyway, we hope that you use this guide to help you have a fun anime con outing!"

"If you need any other help, ask the con experts, A.K.A., the weeaboos!" Vivi read from a placard Caesar Clown was holding up.

"No! You're not supposed to go to weeaboos for anime con-related help!" Nami cried.

"Sorry, I got paid to write this stuff," Caesar apologized. Vivi and Nami turned to the camera.

"Anyway, we hope that you will have a fun day at an anime con like us," Nami said to the audience.

"Also, when you get home, if there's any leftover food, chow down on it while enjoying your new merchandise!" Vivi said.

"Well, until either the Pacific Media Expo or Anime Los Angeles –" Nami said.

"Bye-bye!" Nami and Vivi said.

* * *

><p><strong>(1)<strong> - Yep, there was a bomb scare at Anime Expo last year. They had to close the South Hall of the L.A. Convention Center because of it, and I was not happy. I had to walk the entire perimeter of the convention center in the hot sun to get back to my dad's car for lunch AND so I could get to the One Piece cosplay meetup. Thankfully, there was no bomb, and I hope this won't happen at AM2. *Knock on wood*

**Review if you want to see more cosplay/anime con hijinks, such as Luffy and Usopp running a Shonen Jump panel at an Anime Con, the Shichibukai cosplaying as delinquents, or if you want to see another chapter at an anime con.**


	46. A Game of Thrones

**Author's Note**: I'm a fan of Game of Thrones, and I write a popular One Piece crack series. Was this idea inevitable or not?

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs. Also, for you Game of Thrones fans, the song Daisuke sings has some spoilers.**

* * *

><p><strong>House Capricorn<strong>

"We got the messenger Homestuck troll."

Daisuke held up Terezi Pyrope from Homestuck, who was holding a letter. Currently, the Capricorns were at their castle, Haruhi Suzumiya Land, in the kingdom of Westeros.

"I'm 4 m3sseng3r tr0ll. Fl3rp d3rp," Terezi said before she went back to House Homestuck Troll. Daisuke opened the letter.

"So, what does it say?" Yuki-Rin, who was obviously the head of House Capricorn, asked Daisuke. She wore a T-shirt that said "I'm obviously the head of House Capricorn".

"We're going to Himeruya's Landing!" Daisuke announced. Everyone grew silent.

"I'm a sexy squire," Holden said serenely. He had no shirt on. Daisuke cleared his throat.

"_Minding my own business at Winterfell_  
><em>Suddenly, the king comes down and says 'All is not well<em>  
><em>Jon Arryn is dead and I need a new Hand'<em>  
><em>I reluctantly agree and take this high command<em>  
><em>Hopefully, this won't turn out bad for me<em>  
><em>Dealing with rebels and the girl from across the Narrow Sea<em>

_But, then Robert went ahead and got himself killed_  
><em>I'm sure the Lannisters were thrilled<em>  
><em>Then, I got arrested for treason I falsely admitted<em>  
><em>Double crossed, I wasn't acquitted<em>  
><em>Thus, Robb wanted the Lannisters annihilated<em>  
><em>Joffery wanted his subjects immediately domesticated<em>  
><em>Tywin sought to have all powers consolidated<em>  
><em>Stannis and Renly saw Joffery as an abomination<em>  
><em>They felt Westeros required a true Baratheon<em>

_Robb called in the banners, and they're heading down south_  
><em>Renly's got a powerful army and a more powerful mouth<em>  
><em>Stannis has a good claim, but it's anyone's game<em>  
><em>There's also Balon Greyjoy (Yeah, but he's lame)<em>

_Daenereys is pushing forward with_ –" Daisuke sang before Hana cut him off.

"This is a spoiler and Stephanie Meyer-free zone!" Hana yelled.

"Plus, you screwed up the song _Mr. Brightside_," Heathcliffe pointed out.

* * *

><p><strong>House Supernova<strong>

The head of House Supernova, Trafalgar Law, declined to go to Himeruya Landing, citing that it was "Too mainstream".

We wish him and the other members of House Supernova well.

* * *

><p><strong>House Shichibukai<strong>

"An invitation to Himeruya Landing? The Trolling-est Place on Earth?" Crocodile, head of House Shichibukai, said as he read his letter, which was an X.

"'Trolling-est' isn't a word," Mihawk pointed out.

"Shut up. Let me feed the DireKyuubeys for once," Crocodile said as he wanlked over to an animal pen. Inside the pen were several clones of Kyuubey from Madoka Magica.

"Entropy!" The DireKyuubeys yelled.

"You're not taking those with you," Hancock pointed out. Crocodile pouted.

"But I wanna take them! They're so fluffy and soft!" Crocodile cried. Hancock sighed.

"No means no," Hancock pointed out. "Also, you can't take the Domesticated Chanseys."

"We're your bitches!" The Domesticated Chanseys yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>House CP9<strong>

"We're going to Himeruya Landing!" Spandam, the head of House CP9, announed.

"That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa argued.

* * *

><p>Several days later, the Houses of Capricorn, Shichibukai, and CP9 gathered at Andrew Hussie Land in Himeruya Landing. Andrew Hussie Land was the house of House Straw Hat, who invited the other three houses.<p>

"We came all the way from Izaya Orihara's Theme Park Experience for this?" Lucci cried.

"Tell it to us! We had to come all the way from tl;dr World just so we could fight!" Crocodile argued.

"Oh, yeah! WE had to stay home!" Luffy, the head of House Straw Hat, cried.

"I actually had to re-charge a Prius on the way here!" Spandam argued. Everyone grew silent.

"So WHY are we here?" Yuki-Rin asked everyone. Nami smiled.

"When you play the Game of Thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground," Nami reminded everyone.

"Eh?" Everyone else cried. Wolfgang then pushed his glasses back as Crank Dat Soulja Boy played in the background.

"We're going to play some fun games to determine who will sit on the Iron Throne!" Nami said as she pointed to a chair in the shape of a clothes iron.

"Well, that's a visual pun," Yuki-Rin commented as the Houses went out back, where several games were set up.

"THIS is the Game of Thrones?" Kaku asked everyone. "I was expecting a giant pool of lava."

"I was expecting a mass murder," Sanji said. Everyone glared at him. "Read the books, guys!"

"So, what's our first game?" Sebastian (the one from Kuroshitsuji, not the one on the Capricorn Pirates) asked everyone.

"We're going to play lawn darts!" Nami announced.

"Yay?" Everyone questioned. Nami passed out lawn darts to everyone.

"Alright, who wants to go first?" Nami asked everyone. Nobody volunteered, so Nami got out a shotgun and shot at everyone. "If any of you don't volunteer, I will make somebody Swiss cheese!"

"Ooh! Can I have my Swiss cheese on a huge sandwich?" Luffy cried.

"Go nuts," Nami said. Luffy threw his lawn dart and it hit a tree.

"Hey! Who threw that?" The tree cried as it transformed to Gareth, who had Luffy's dart sticking out of his forehead.

"It was the monkey man!" Chopper cried.

"Well, Chopper, you're next," Nami sand. Chopper threw his lawn dart to the ground and crossed his… Arms? Hooves? Appendages? We don't know.

"I won't do it! Playing lawn darts sucks!" Chopper yelled.

"Chopper, you're gonna play the Game of Thrones, and you're gonna like it," Nami said to Chopper sternly.

"Shut up, betch! I can play whatever game I want, since Luffy's the king of Westeros!" Chopper cried. Everyone gasped.

"_Oh, no, you didn't_!" The Capricorns sang to Chopper as they pointed their pointer fingers at Chopper.

"_Sucker tried to play me, but you never paid me, never_!" Chopper yelled as he held up his paw. The Capricorns sweatdropped. "Hey! You people! Pay me money RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"

"What has gotten into Chopper? He never over-uses expletives," Hana asked Nami.

"We showed him the tapes of when our old king, Robert Baratheon, took power. He lost it Cersei gave birth to Joffery," Nami explained.

"I would lose it, too, if I was forced to see a video of Cersei Lannister giving birth," Hana said.

"I didn't, for some reason. However, I became pissed when Gendry and Arya got arrested by the Gas Bill Police," Nami explained. Chopper then took off his hat, threw it to the ground, and stomped on it.

"Chopper, what's wrong?" Usopp asked the angry reindeer.

"I don't wanna play the Game of Thrones anymore! They suck, because I like Doctor Who better!" Chopper cried. Everyone gasped.

"Chopper, Doctor Who doesn't exist in Westeros," Robin pointed out. Chopper gave a death glare to Robin.

"You don't tell me that, woman," Chopper said angrily. "Holden, Crocodile, Usopp, let's go! We're quitting our houses and forming a new house!"

"Okay? What's the name of our new house?" Usopp asked.

"It will be called 'House Sexy Times'. Our house sigil will be Holden in sexy underwear from Calvin Klein, and our motto will be 'I like tacos'," Chopper explained. Usopp shrugged.

"Sounds legit. Let's go," Usopp said before he walked away with the reindeer, the Captain Hook wannabe, and the confused punk boy. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"So… Who wants to play the actual Game of Thrones?" Sanji asked as he pulled out the Game of Thrones boardgame.

"We're already playing the Game of Thrones. We're against House Sexy Times now," Nami explained.

"Oh, I see how it is," Sanji said. "Luffy, what are we going to do with House Sexy Times?"

"Them? Uhh… I think we need to go to Las Vegas to attack them," Luffy explained. In Las Vegas, Holden, Crocodile, Chopper, and Usopp were in tuxedos and lounging in a very fancy and pimping bar with views of the Strip.

"You were right, Chopper. Playing the Game of Thrones sucks," Usopp said.

"Waiter! More Waffle House hashbrowns!" Crocodile yelled. Then, the Houses of Capricorn, Straw Hat, Shichibukai, and CP9 entered.

"There they are!" Luffy yelled.

"Let the Games begin!" Nami yelled as she pulled out the Game of Thrones boardgame. A few minutes later.

"Damnit! Why are we House Bolton?" Chopper, Holden, Crocodile, and Usopp cried.

"I told you guys that there's no middle ground," Nami said. "Now, lets play the Game of Thrones!"

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see our pirates play some other games, like hide-and-seek, Candy Land, and Grand Theft Auto.<strong>


	47. Rad Bromance

**Author's Note**: Have you ever seen a movie like _Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Bridesmaids, Sex in the City, _or basically any other chick flick about girlfriends? Have you wondered, "Would [insert movie about girlfriends here] be sexier if it were genderbent?" or "Why doesn't [insert movie about girlfriends here] have a bromance?" This chapter will answer all of your questions!

Also, go on Youtube and look up Artist vs. Poet's cover of _Bad Romance_ and play it on a loop while reading this chapter. It's not reccommened, but it gives this oneshot its character.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>There are many epic bromances in history. Arthur and Eames. Shizuo Heiwajima and Izaya Orihara. Neddard Stark and Robert Baratheon. Those were some epic bromances. But, the rad bromance of I Heart Gintama, Louisiana, would change bromances forever. It all started one day in 1936 at the local hospital...<p>

"You did WHAT?" Chopper cried as he treated a teen named Daisuke.

"I stuck a marshmellow up my nose!" Daisuke said derpily.

"Why in the name of Chuck Norris eating a taco would you do that?" Chopper asked Daisuke.

"I was bored," Daisuke said. Several unpleasent moments for Daisuke later...

"There. Next time, don't be an epic fail and eat Chinese dumplings," Chopper said.

"Thanks, man! You're all right!" Daisuke said as he gave Chopper a hug.

"I need an adult!" Chopper cried. With a shurg, Daisuke left the hospital.

"What am I going to do? It's 1936, so I can't play Pokémon, I can't read Homestuck, I can't watch a movie – Oh, wait, I can go to the movies!" Daisuke said.

"We must go deeper," Chopper said before the theme from _Inception_ played. A few minutes later, Daisuke was at the movies, watching a diabetes-inducing Shirley Temple movie.

"This isn't _The Hunger Games_? Or _Inception_? Or _The Hangover_? What is this mockery of Kanye West's shoes?" Daisuke cried.

"I was told that this movie would be _Scott Pilgrim vs. The World_," The guy sitting next to Daisuke, Gareth Archer, said.

"Somebody told me that this movie was going to be in Japanese with English subtitles," The boy sitting next to Gareth, Kazuma Miyafuji, added. Then, everyone sitting in Daisuke's row got up.

"Mass walkout!"

Daisuke then walked out with the people who were in his row. When they stepped outside the movie theater, they looked at each other and said one thing:

"Bromance!"

And that is how a rad bromance between Daisuke Saburo, Heathcliffe Sarutobi, Holden Sarutobi, Soren Sarutobi, Kazuma Miyafuji, Gareth Archer, Wolfgang Katsuragi, and Enlai Li was formed.

"Why was I not invited?" Showtarou cried.

"Because you don't read enough Portal fanfiction," Nami pointed out. Showtarou pouted.

"You icebox," Showtarou muttered under his breath.

"Squak! Welcome to Apeture Science!" Ajax squaked.

* * *

><p>It was the next day, and our rad bromance was hanging out at Daisuke's house. Despite being the Great Depression, our bros came from either upper-middle class or wealthy families.<p>

"My family is wealthy because I accidentally made a cameo in the anime Tsuritama," Heathcliffe said. (1)

"Really? I opened the first Apple store in Louisiana, even though it's 1936," Wolfgang said.

"Baka. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniack don't even exist yet," Enlai said.

"What did you say? Don't make me take off my belt!" Wolfgang threatened. Then, Doflamingo ran in. He was dressed in a pink pantsuit with a matching, curly wig.

"Boom! Hunger Games!" Doflamingo shouted before he ran away. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Well... My mom in this oneshot, Nami, wanted us to paint a fence before we try out her new Slap Chop," Daisuke said.

"Your mom has a Slap Chop? Bro, that's hardcore," Holden said, not looking up from Googling pictures of platypuses on his phone.

"Why does she want us to paint a fence? I'm not Tom Sawyer," Kazuma asked seriously as he waved his pointer finger.

"Because I said so!" Nami yelled from outside. Everyone gasped.

"Your mom is a bitch," Soren commented.

"Only when she gets calls from telemarketers," Daisuke added.

* * *

><p>We decided to skip ahead to Chirstmas time, since it's July and a Chirstmas in July chapter seemed obligatory.<p>

"CIRCLETINE!" Daisuke shouted as his bros entered his house.

"Why can't I be your bro? I play your older brother in this parody," Showtarou pointed out. Daisuke glared at him.

"Because you're House Tully. I'm House Llamas With Hats," Daisuke explained.

"That's not even a Game of Thrones house!" Showtarou pointed out.

"I don't wanna hear it unless YOU go get plastic surgery!" Daisuke yelled. Showtarou left the room, and everyone grew silent.

"_Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty. Purr, purr, purr_," Enlai sang as he stroked Holden's hair. Holden the got up from his spot on the daybed.

"Dude, I'm straight," Holden pointed out. Daisuke cleared his throat.

"Anyway..." Daisuke said seriously before he went into fanboy mode. "We'regoingtothepremiereof_TheHangover_!"

Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Please elaborate or else I will force your computer to do a Windows Update," Wolfgang threatened. Daisuke sighed, since nobody likes Windows Update.

"We're going to the premiere of _The Hangover_!" Daisuke announced. The rad bromance cheered.

"FINALLY we get to see this movie in Louisiana, even though _The Hangover_ didn't exist back then!" Enlai cheered.

"Did I even get a line in this oneshot?" Gareth wondered to himself.

"Why is _The Hangover_ even playing? It's 1936," Wolfgang pointed out.

"And are you wondering why you're making Game of Thrones, Portal, Big Bang Theory, and Pokémon references in 1936 WHEN THEY DIDN'T EXIST?" Soren asked Wolfgang. Daisuke sighed.

"Let's get ready, guys. It's _The Hangover_. It's our generation's _Gone With the Wind_," Daisuke pointed out.

"_Gone With the Wind_ was made in THIS generation," Wolfgang pointed out.

"Shut up and put these on, because I said so!" Nami yelled as she entered the room and threw clothes at Daisuke and his bros.

"Why do we have to get dressed up? We're going to the movies," Heathcliffe asked Nami.

"Apparently, going to the movies in the 1930's required you to shut up, get classy, and to just do it as if you were in a Nike commercial," Nami explained. A few minutes later, Daisuke and his rad, bromantic partners were walking to the movies. The Sarutobi siblings were dressed as members of the mafia, Kazuma was dressed like a member of the yakuza, Gareth had a baby named Carlos strapped to him, Wolfgang was dressed in Steve Jobs' black turtleneck, and Enlai and Daisuke wore the clothes they wore in the previous scene.

"Nami didn't lie – People actually dress up to see stuff like _The Hunger Games_ and _Magic Mike_," Heathcliffe commented as he saw some women in fancy dresses go into a showing of _Magic Mike_, a movie about male strippers.

"Eight tickets to see _The Hangover_," Daisuke said to the ticket booth person, who was not a person at all, but a bundle of grapes. "That's okay."

Daisuke and his bros then entered the movie theater and approached the concession counter.

"One churro, please," Daisuke told the guy at the concession stand, who was a sleeping Zoro. Zoro then awoke.

"That'll be fourteen dollars," Zoro said. Daisuke began to cry.

"Why?" Daisuke cried before pulling out a pack of gum. "Here. I'll pay you in gum instead."

The Sarutobi siblings looked to each other.

"Let's go pick up some dames while we're lookin' classy," Soren suggested, since he was suddenly talking like a gangster from Brooklyn.

"Are you forgetting that I have a girlfriend?" Heathcliffe cried. Soren just sighed.

"Okay, go visit Aki. Holden and I will pick up chicks," Soren said before he picked up a chick that just hatched from its egg.

"Bro, there's an angry chicken behind you. I think he wants child support," Holden said as he pointed to a scowling Doflamingo, who was in a chicken suit.

"Bitches be crazy..." Doflamingo commented as he walked away from the greatest bromance ever.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Here's the story behind this one. So, I was watching the first episode of Tsuritama, because that anime sounded really interesting. About 3:16 into the episode, I saw a student in the background who looked exactly like Heathcliffe. I was, like, "Heathcliffe, what are you doing in this anime?" and I paused the video and took a screencap. I believe Crunchyroll has the first episode of Tsuritama for your viewing pleasure. Around 3:16 is where you'll find Heathcliffe - He's the kid with spiky, black hair and he has his arms crossed. It's almost a blink-and-you'll-miss-it thing, since I had to re-watch the first few minutes to pause the video and get a screencap.

**Review if you want to see such shenanigans such as Doflamingo playing in a hurricane, Spandam teaching little girls how to be princess, or if you want to see Smoker swap personalities with a block of cheese.**


	48. Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

**Author's Note**: So, in the past, I've attemped to parody the musical _Flower Drum Song_ twice - The first time, it was one of my first fanfics on this site, and I liked the fic. But, I took it down due to a low review count and because it was kinda sucky. The second one was a Katekyo Hitman Reborn dead fic. Now, since third time's the charm, we're gonna parody _Flower Drum Song _right here, right now!

**Warning: Mentions of pimps, hookers, swag, and Holden x Enlai, because this is crack.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _Flower Drum Song_, the Slap Chop, Daft Punk, Sherlock, Panda Express, any trolls from Homestuck, or the "Card Games on Motorcycles" meme.**

* * *

><p><strong>San Fransisco, 1961<strong>

It was a sunny spring day in San Fransisco, as wealthy businessman Wolfgang Katsuragi stepped off of a nice boat.

"Take a good, hard, look at the motherfucking boat!" Wolfgang announced as he stepped off the boat.

"I'm not getting off! You are the worst father ever, even if it's for one oneshot!"

Wolfgang facepalmed.

"Enlai Li, you are getting off this boat, you are getting married to Holden Sarutobi, you are going to adopt babies like you're Brad and Angelina, and YOU WILL LIKE IT!" Wolfgang shouted. With a sigh, Wolfgang's "son", Enlai, stepped off of the boat.

"You bitch! I was happy in Hong Kong!" Enlai cried.

"Does it look like I care? No. Now, you march your ass to that strip club, OR I WILL FIND YOU AND BURN YOUR FAVORITE T-SHIRT," Wolfgang explained darkly. Enlai grew pale.

"No! Not my 'Swag – Something We Asians Got' T-shirt!" Enlai cried. Wolfgang rolled his eyes. One panhandling session and one arrest later, Wolfgang and Enlai ended up at the unnamed club.

"This isn't a strip club," Enlai commented.

"It's called 'lower your expectations'," Wolfgang said.

"Lower MY expectations? No. First, lower your expectations from Google to Yahoo, then we'll talk," Enlai said like a bossy seme. Wolfgang sighed as he approached the bartender, Jinbei.

"Can I help you boys?" Jinbei asked.

"Yeah, get Shitty Katsuragi a beer so I can flee to Mexico to avoid a gay marriage," Enlai explained. But, before Wolfgang could say anything, a girl named Hana Yakushi entered the bar.

"_Because we find ourselves in the same old mess singing drunken lullabies_!" Hana sang as she skipped into the bar.

"Who's that girl singing profane songs you'd find in Panty and Stocking With Garterbelt?" Enlai asked Jinbei.

"That's Hana. She's crazy for two things – Holden and boys' love," Jinbei explained as he cleaned his invisible dog leash for visible dogs.

"Speaking of Holden, where is he?" Wolfgang asked the Fishman who totally wasn't an extra for the movie Avatar.

"Follow me. Cake and grief counseling will be offered afterwards," Jinbei said.

"D - Oh, wow... This is so stimulating. I think I need a towel," Equuis Zahaak commented as he began sweating profusely.

":33 *but, Equuis, we're just playing card games*," Nepeta Leijon cried.

"On motorcycles," Marco added for no reason. Meanwhile, Jinbei led Wolfgang and Enlai into a nice bathroom in a bitchin' apartment.

"Holden! Enlai's here!" Jinbei called out over the shower noises. Jinbei then turned off the lights, flushed the toilet, dumped his trash into a trash compactor, cracked some eggs onto a frying pan, and did the Hokey Pokey, which turned off the water supply to the building.

"Not now, fishie! I need to wash my perfect fucking hair!" Holden cried from the shower. Enlai facepalmed.

"The Lord is testing me..." Enlai commented to himself. Across town...

"Oi, did you get the milk?" Sanji asked his live-in girlfriend, Robin.

"No. I was playing Card Games on Motorcycles with Homestuck trolls," Robin answered as she hung her coat up on Enlai.

"Bitch, I ain't your coat hanger!" Enlai cried. Robin jumped up in shock.

"Little boy, what are you doing here?" Robin asked Enlai.

"I'm hiding from my nerdy dad. He took me from my home in Hong Kong to marry a pretty-boy and I don't have enough money to run away to Mexico," Enlai said. Robin then face paped Enlai.

"It's okay. You can stay here until we buy you a one-way plane ticket to Mexico," Robin said soothingly. Back with Holden and Wolfgang...

"I have a bad feeling about the rest of this oneshot," Holden commented as he was blow drying his hair. Wolfgang got into a fetal position.

"Now my son hates me. Maybe I shouldn't have posted that Craigslist ad," Wolfgang said as he put on his Harry Potter robe and crawled over to his laptop, where an episode of Sherlock was playing. "The odds are never in my favor, because Winter is coming."

Hana slowly rose up from her position next to Wolfgang, since the scene from Sherlock was from the episode _A Scandal in Belgravia_ where Sherlock was only in a robe.

"Sherlock... Please disrobe NOW," Hana said like a fangirl. Wolfgang nonchalantly covered Hana's eyes.

"You don't need to see this. I don't understand why Sherlock isn't wearing pants," Wolfgang explained.

"Because it makes us fangirls happy!" Hana argued. Wolfgang facepalmed.

"Why won't my son listen to me and marry Holden?" Wolfgang asked Hana.

"Because, one, you're both twenty. And, two, Holden's mine, bitch!" Hana yelled before she shoved Holden onto a table and made-out with him.

"Ooh, random yaoi fan, ooh!" Holden squealed. With Enlai, Robin, and Sanji...

"I wanna go home!" Enlai sobbed as the three entered a Panda Express.

"Why do you want to go home? I thought you wanted to go to Mexico," Sanji pointed out.

"Panda Express reminds me of home!" Enlai sobbed. "I miss Hong Kong!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"What's his problem?" Doflamingo whispered to Crocodile.

"I think the poor boy's just homesick," Crocodile whispered back. Sanji sighed.

"Okay, Enlai, in order to get you to Mexico and away from Holden Sarutobi, I'm gonna have to establish a server client," Sanji explained as plugged his laptop charger into Pwngoat's nose.

"Baa?" Pwngoat bleated, feeling very violated. Sanji then began to type.

"Hmm... Looks like my subscription to Martha Stewart's magazine is expiring... I'd better renew it before something exciting happens," Sanji said to himself.

"What in the name of Jackie Chan is he doing?" Enlai whispered to Robin.

"Do you want to end up marrying a Memetic Sex God or not?" Robin asked.

"Hell no. I wanna hide out in Mexico for about six months, then I'll seek asylum to Hong Kong, citing personal safety reasons. Then, I shall return to my ancestral home, marry a cheongsam-clad maiden, become a kung-fu star, and have Chinese kung-fu star swag. Then, when my dream wife and I have kids, we're naming them Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Peony Pavilion, Dragon Swag, Thomas, and Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere," Enlai explained. Robin gave him a funny look.

"That's not how you get swag," Robin told Enlai bluntly.

"Bitch, I didn't come here to defend my swag. I came here to run away from a wedding to a pretty boy," Enlai explained. Sanji snapped his fingers.

"Enlai, you're going home! All you have to do is one simple task, and you'll be on your way to Hong Kong via Mexico," Sanji explained.

"What do I have to do? Kiss Shitty Katsuragi's feet and make him a sandwich? Wash Holden's hair? Give all of my swag to Robin? Establish server connections for you?" Enlai asked Sanji, who whispered something into his ear. "Are you serious? I can't. No, no, I'm not doing that. I'm sorry."

"Holden Sarutobi wants to [Bleep] and [Bleep] and then [Bleep] with you. Then, he wants to –" Sanji said before a long censor beep cut him off.

"_Due to the graphic content "Black Leg" Sanji was talking about, we have made the decision to cut the rest of the Panda Express scene from this oneshot. We're sorry for any technical difficulties this may have caused. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming_."

We cut to a kitchen used in informercials. A studio audience cheered as Enlai, who was now wearing Vince Offer's Slap Chop apron over his clothing, entered the kitchen.

"Hi, it's Enlai with Slap Chop. You're gonna be in a great mood all day, because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop," Enlai explained as he put a Slap Chop over some onions. "Arranged marriages? Forced to move away from your home? Seeking asylum abroad? The Slap Chop can't solve those problems, since I am not Vince Offer. Now, watch as I chop this onion like a boss."

Enlai then chopped the onion with the Slap Chop.

"See? I can do this like a boss. Why? Because one Slap Chop equals instant pimping and instant bitches. Now, let's move onto to some testimonials," Enlai explained.

"You're gonna love my nut –" Holden said before Sanji cut him off.

"Do not want, do not want, DO NOT WANT!" Sanji screamed before he ran up to Enlai, picked him up bridal-style, and ran away, with Robin in hot pursuit. The audience sweatdropped as Holden – who was only wearing very tight skinny jeans – walked up to Enlai's spot.

"Hi, it's Holden with Slap Chop. Watch me throw this Slap Chop at this hooker," Holden said as he pointed to Wolfgang.

"I'm a guy!" Wolfgang cried. From the back rows of the audience, Jinbei sighed.

"Boys will be boys," Jinbei said to himself.

"Unless their name starts with 'Benedict' and ends with 'Cumberbatch', then we've got fangirling for days," Hana added as the rest of the audience members had a dance party set to the Daft Punk song _One More Time_.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Sherlock fangirls, admit it, you liked the scene in _A Scandal in Belgravia _where Sherlock was only in a bathrobe... And then only in a towel. I loved that scene. Sherlock can wear ANYTHING, and it will always look good on him, no matter what.

Also, Sanji reading Martha Stewart's magazine is now my headcanon.

**Review if you want to see shenanigans such as Franky and Buggy in a parody of Sherlock, Doflamingo ironing the Shichibukai's clothes, or if you want to hear a good ole fashioned twice-told tale... That involves Ivankov genderbending people, Luffy and Usopp breakdancing to silence, and Spain's churros.**


	49. Sabo the Noble

**Author's Note**: This oneshot is for **Tora**, my guest reviewer who reads my fics. Happy birthday, **Tora**! Here's that oneshot starring Ace and Marco that you requested.

Next chapter, it will be our 50th chapter of **The DysFUNctional Pirates**. But, I have to have it posted before the 29th for two reasons - One, I'm planning on it to be a Christmas in July chapter and I want to get it done before July ends. And, two, I leave for vacation on the 29th. I will be bringing my laptop with me as usual, but I think I won't update on the 29th because it's a six to eight hour drive to where I'm going, so, I'll probably be tired by the time I get to my hotel.

Anyway, let's get this AU chapter started!

**Disclaimer: Yes, I do own One Piece. Nope, Chuck Testa! I don't own One Piece, because Eichiiro Oda does.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny Saturday in the Goa Kingdom, and Luffy, Marco, Zoro, and Ace were visiting Sabo – who was a Tenryuubito for this oneshot – at his mansion that you'd see on Cribs.<p>

"Wazzup?" Sabo yelled as he answered the door. He wore gangster bling and pimp clothing, because he can.

"How's it hangin'?" Ace asked Sabo.

"Hi. I like pizza rolls," Marco said with a wave of his hand. Then, Aki's dad exited the house.

"I don't sleep – I wait," Aki's dad said before he strutted away. The five sweatdropped as Aki exited. (1)

"_I've got a list, help me sort this._  
><em>From the epic win to the desperately winless<em>  
><em>Chicken nuggets<em> –" Aki sang.

"Winning?" Ace questioned, since we had to bribe him with cash to make him say this line.

"_Bubble gum_," Aki sang.

"Duh, winning!" Marco said derpily.

"_Pretending to text to avoid someone_," Aki sang.

"Losing, duh!" Yuki-Rin shouted from the other house.

"Weak," Marco stated.

"_Slow dance_," Aki sang.

"We out! Peace!" Luffy and Ace said before they gave Aki the peace sign and walked inside. Zoro and Aki stared at each other.

"You're a marimo, aren't you?" Aki asked. Zoro facepalmed.

"And I take it that you fear that you break your nails whenever you watch a film that isn't a chick flick!" Zoro retorted before he joined Sabo, Marco, Ace, and Luffy in the mansion. "Oi, where's the booze?"

"That comes last. Plus, you're not even 21," Sabo pointed out. Zoro pimp-slapped Sabo a la Tyrion imp-slapping Joffery.

"It's 5 o'clock somewhere!" Zoro shouted like Karkat Vantas.

"Karkat..." Aki said, drooling.

"Who is this girl?" Sabo asked the four, confused men.

"Oh, her? She's my girlfriend. She likes Karkat Vantas from Homestuck because he reminds her of me."

Heathcliffe stepped out from a random room.

"You're not invited to this filming of Cribs!" Sabo cried.

"This was a filming of Cribs? I thought it was a beauty pageant," Heathcliffe asked. Zoro, Ace, Marco, and Sabo facepalmed as Luffy danced the Macarena.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ADONIS DNA!" Ace shouted since he forgot to turn off the Caps Lock key.

"Because Karkat is fucking sexy, just like Sarutobi-kun!" Aki yelled in an OOC-manner. Everyone grew silent.

"Does this mean that Heathcliffe is actually a guy named Karkat?" Luffy asked. Heathcliffe glared at Luffy.

"Come on, Luffy! There's meat in the fridge!" Sabo called out.

"And a gun in his cupboard!" Ace added.

"Sugoi! A cupboard!" Luffy squealed before he joined Ace, Sabo, and Marco in the kitchen.

"Luffy, come look at this box!" Marco yelled as he held up a box of Betty Crocker cake mix. Luffy screamed.

"Ahhh! It's the Batter Witch! Kill it with fire!" Luffy yelled, prompting Ace to restrain him.

"Luffy, calm down! If you don't calm down by the time I say, 'This is a manly sentence – I love dressing like a princess', you won't be getting a face pap tonight!" Ace yelled. Immediately, Luffy shut up.

"Did anybody even question why I came here? Even I'm questioning myself on these pressing matters. Why am I questioning myself? Is it because the weight of these questions make me smart? Fuck no, I like turtles," Marco questioned to himself. Everyone grew silent.

"It's T-shirt time!" Ace said before he burst into tears. Somewhere in the western United States, the authoress of this fic was facepalming to herself because she wrote in a reference to Jersey Shore.

"Damn you, Snooki! You beat me, my hyper state, and the fact that it's late at night!" The authoress cursed to herself. "Time for an obligatory Inception, Homestuck, Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Game of Thrones, or anime reference to negate that Jersey Shore reference!"

Back in the One Piece world...

"I'm gonna be King of the Host Club!" Luffy proclaimed.

"That's nice," Zoro said as he pulled Lumpy Space Princess from Adventue Time out of an oven.

"Oh, my Glob! I think I'm in the wrong fandom!" LSP shouted before she floated away. Then, the five decided to go upstairs.

"Let's go upstairs, since the authoress pre-destined this to happen!" Sabo shouted as the five walked upstairs. But, Sabo tripped up the stairs.

"I warned you about the stairs, Broham!" Ace shouted for the billionth time today.

"Dat ass," Marco said. He was now sporting a sombrero, a mustache, and some maracas.

"Such a handsome face. Makes me wanna lick it," France from Hetalia commented from over the P.A. as Sabo got up.

"Eww! If you lick my face, I'll get cooties!" Luffy yelled since he was now cosplaying as Usopp.

"Why am I even here?" Usopp questioned. He was now wearing Katniss Everdeen's Girl on Fire dress. "At least I look pretty."

On the Hyperion, the Capricorns were watching the previous scene on Wolfgang's Mac. They all screamed.

"Kill it with Squiddles!" Hana cried. "He ruined my top cosplay choice for Otakon!"

"Use your second choice," Yuki-Rin pointed out. "I mean, my top choice was Allen Walker in his Crown Clown form, but it's gonna be too hot. So, instead, I'm gonna be sober!Gamzee."

The Capricorns – minus Yuki-Rin – screamed.

"No! Not sober!Gamzee!" The Capricorns cried. Yuki-Rin shrugged.

"Haters gonna hate. I mean, Gamzee is the entire crew's patron troll, since we are the CAPRICORN Pirates," Yuki-Rin pointed out. Daisuke got a shotgun and began to pump it.

"Why can't our patron troll be Orihara Izaya?" Daisuke cried. Back at Sabo's mansion...

"This is the room where the magic happens. It's where I do my dirty work. It's my bedroom," Sabo said as they entered the bedroom. Inside, Crocodile and Doflamingo were doing dirty things on the bed.

"Hey! We're busy playing with our Play-Doh here!" Doflamingo yelled.

"Let us watch _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ in peace!" Crocodile pleaded. Sabo sighed as he closed the door.

"And, that conculdes our tour. Let's order pizza," Sabo announced.

"Can't. My mom banned me from playing Scrabble," Zoro said. The Capricorns approached Zoro, with their weapons in hand.

"Nobody asked you, bitch!" The Capricorns yelled.

"I thought I kicked you all out," Sabo said to the Capricorns.

"Oh, that? Well, you drunkenly filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. We get to take all of your stuff," Wolfgang explained. Sabo's eyes popped out of their sockets.

"No! I'm a Tenryuubito! You can't do this!" Sabo cried.

"And, I'm a Mac. Windows Seven was totally not my idea," Wolfgang explained as he took Sabo's pimp pipe.

"No! Not the pipe!" Sabo cried as he held onto Wolfgang's ankle. Zoro, Marco, Ace, and Luffy sweatdropped.

"I'm just... I'm just gonna leave, 'kay?" Zoro said before he left.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>There's a reason why Aki's dad is quoting Charlie Sheen. So, last night, I was working on the next chapter of **One Piece: Parallel Works** because I didn't feel like working on my other fanfics. Well, in the next chapter, Aki talks about her father, since the Capricorns are going to visit the island he lives on next. Because it was late at night and Aki talks a lot in this chapter, I was expecting myself to have Aki quote Charlie Sheen and say, "My father doesn't sleep - He waits." This, in turn, caused me to draw a Game of Thrones-styled banner for Aki's family. Here's the details of the banner.

House Chung-Feng

Sigil (A.K.A. Mascot): An engagement ring

Motto: "I don't sleep - I wait."

Yeah... Needless to say, I laughed hard at this.

**Review if you want to see crazy things such as Crocodile becoming one of those crazy cat ladies, Kidd and Killer going zorbing, or if you want to see the Whitebeard Pirates become entertainers at a theme park in the Deep South.**


	50. A Capricorn Christmas in July

**Author's Note**: Happy fifty chapters of **The DysFUNctional Pirates**! Also, Merry Christmas in July!

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorn Pirates.**

* * *

><p>Once upon a time, there lived a girl in New York City named Yuki-Rin. Her parents owned a large and fancy hotel, but they lived in Hong Kong to manage their other large, fancy hotel. In a way, Yuki-Rin was like Eloise, except she was a lonely otaku. Yuki-Rin was lonely, because she once had a whole group of friends that she made while they stayed at the hotel. They called themselves "The Capricorn Pirates". But, sadly, most of her friends lived in far-off places, so they had to go back to their hometowns. The only three people that stayed with Yuki-Rin in NYC were her Irish half-sister, Molly, her best friend, Hana, and her boyfriend, Kazuma.<p>

However, there was hope for Yuki-Rin, since all of her friends were coming back to New York for Christmas. They were going to do a lot of things together – Read Homestuck and _The Hunger Games_ out loud, have Pokémon battles, make cosplay videos, eat Chinese food, the works.

"I can't believe the greatest friends in the whole univerese are all coming back! I hope they overstay their welcome and are forced to stay at the hotel for the rest of their lives!" Yuki-Rin cheered as she looked out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of any Capricorn. That night, Yuki-Rin was STILL looking out the window, when Kazuma entered the room.

"Yuki-Rin, I'm sorry. The other Capricorns can't come," Kazuma explained. Yuki-Rin's face turned to one of utter sadness, as if she'd been told that Anime Expo was cancelled.

"W-why?" Yuki-Rin stuttered a la Eridan Ampora or Professor Quirrell.

"One of Santa's reindeer, Tony Tony Chopper, got mugged by Lord English and Baroque Works, so the Capricorns had to go to China with Sebastian Michaelis, Finnick Odair, the 10th Doctor, and the Homestuck trolls to fight them to get Chopper's wallet back. I'm very sorry, Yuki-Rin," Kazuma explained.

"What about Molly and Hana?" Yuki-Rin asked.

"They went with them," Kazuma said sadly. At that moment, Yuki-Rin burst into tears.

"Goddamnit! I shouldn't be crying on Christmas unless we're doing the reading for _The Hunger Games_, the _Inception_ screening, or the post-New Year's Madoka Magica marathon!" Yuki-Rin sobbed. Kazuma got out his phone and dialed a number.

"Hello? YOU MADE YUKI-RIN CRY ON CHRISTMAS! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! ALL OF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! IF YOU MAKE A RICH KID CRY DURING THE HOLIDAYS, CHANCES ARE, SHE WILL BUST YO' ASS!" Kazuma yelled into the phone before he hung up. "There. They'd better come to their senses and realize that you're alone."

"What if they don't?" Yuki-Rin sobbed. Kazuma papped her face.

"It will be the two of us celebrating, and it'll be filled with sloppy make-outs, Chinese food, and debauchery in NYC," Kazuma explained before he and Yuki-Rin commenced a long, sloppy make-out. One hour later...

"I'm hungry," Yuki-Rin said. Kizaru, who was dressed as a sexy Santa, then entered through the window.

"Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, and hide yo' husband, cos' they're rapin' everybody out there!" Kazuma commented before pushing Kizaru out of the window. "Come on. Let's go get something to eat."

A few minutes later, the two arrived at the huge ballroom, which was supposed to be used for the party.

"I'll be right back. The pizza guy is waiting for me, and he owes me five bucks," Kazuma said before walking away. Yuki-Rin sighed as she curled up onto a couch.

"This is the worst Christmas ever. It's even worse than the time I got sick on Christmas," Yuki-Rin thought to herself as she closed her eyes.

"Oh, hey!"

Yuki-Rin opened her eyes, and she saw a green-haired boy hanging upside-down next to her. Yuki-Rin just sighed.

"Either I dozed off and I'm dreaming, or Kazuma drugged me," Yuki-Rin commented before she closed her eyes again.

"Hey, Yuki-Rin tá, an gang go léir anseo!"

"Yuki-Rin, wake up! Wake up!"

"Você está realmente dormindo? Vamos lá, acordar e festa com a gente!"

"Yuki-Rin, the pizza's here!"

"Ni-hao ma! I – What the hell is Shitty Katsuragi doing here? Huí dào jiùjīnshān!"

Yuki-Rin woke up, and she saw each and every Capricorn Pirate standing over her.

"Surprise!" The other Capricorns yelled. Yuki-Rin grinned as she got up from the couch.

"I swear, this is too sappy," Yuki-Rin commented with a smile on her face. The authoress agreed with this comment and decided to restart the oneshot.

* * *

><p>So, for a refresher, Yuki-Rin was a girl who lived in a fancy hotel in New York City. She had an Irish half-sister, Molly, a yaoi addict best friend, Hana, and a manly, Japanese boyfriend, Kazuma. All of their other friends lived out of town, but they were coming to New York for the holidays. Currently, the four were sitting on a couch in the hotel's lounge, waiting for their nakama.<p>

"Hey, isn't it that part of the chapter where the authoress begins to wrap up the chapter?" Hana pointed out.

"Nope! Chuck Testa!" The authoress said off-screen. Hana sighed, muttering something along the lines of "stupid 50th chapter".

"We're here!"

"Bitches, we're making this happen!"

Then, the rest of the Capricorns entered, carrying food, video games, drinks, and booze.

"Oh, hey!" Yuki-Rin shouted before everyone group-hugged like bosses.

"Like a boss," Somebody off-screen said. The Capricorns turned back, and they saw Luffy. "Are you guys the Capricorn Pirates?"

"Yeah, why?" Hana said.

"The constellations have aligned," Luffy said as he slowly put on a pair of sunglasses. "For you to save Santa."

_Yeeaaaahhhhhhhh_!

The music stopped with a record scratch.

"You're doing that CSI: Miami meme wrong," Hana said before she threw Luffy out of the window. "Now what?"

An hour later, the Capricorns were sitting in a circle on the floor. All of them were silent.

"So…" Blaise said. "I think the authoress is looking for an excuse to have a party for the 50th chapter."

"Yeah/Uh-huh/I totally agree/Is the cake a lie?/When will we get to eat?/ I hope I get House Arryn when we play the Game of Thrones board game/_Well, I think I'm gonna burn in Hell. Everybody burn the house right down. And say, ha. What I wanna say Tell me I'm an angel, take this to my grave. Tell me I'm a bad man, kick me like a stray. Tell me I'm an angel, take this to my grave_./I like moo cows," The Capricorns said in agreement.

"So, let's get this party started right now!" Hana said as she pulled out the Game of Thrones board game. "Everyone, pick a house."

"I pick House Stark!" Wolfgang announced.

"I pick the Dothraki!" Enlai announced. Hana glared at the two.

"Saying the name of your Game of Thrones House out loud is a security risk. I'll just put you two in House Frey," Hana explained. Several hours later, it was down to House Frey (Wolfgang and Enlai), House Tyrell (Kartik, Matsu, Kaoru, Mina, and Ageha), and House Baratheon (Yuki-Rin, Molly, Kazuma, and Hana).

"Houe Tyrell, you've just lost The Game…" Hana said. "Of Thrones."

The people who were playing as House Tyrell got up from their seats. Wolfgang smirked.

"Looks like we've just entered…" Wolfgang said as he put on a pair of sunglasses. "…The Frey."

_Yeeaaaahhhhhhhh_!

"FINALLY somebody does the CSI meme right," Hana commented. Two more hours later, the people in House Baratheon won.

"Ours is the Fury, bitches!" Kazuma yelled.

"You guys cheated. The Baratheons are already on the Iron Throne, and you just used backdoor connections, bribery, and bribery by baked goods to win," Wolfgang explained.

"Oh, shut up," Hana said. "Now, what should we do next?"

"_Inception_ screening!" Yuki-Rin suggested.

"Breakfast outside of Tiffany's," Aki suggested.

"It's midnight. Tiffany's is closed," Kazuma pointed out.

"_Hunger Games_ table read," Hana suggested.

"Homestuck read-a-long!" Daisuke suggested. Luffy entered the room.

"Guys! This oneshot is almost over! You have to save Santa!" Luffy cried. The Capricorns stared Luffy down.

"Meh," The Capricorns said before Kartik calmly ushered Luffy out of the room. Everyone grew silent again.

"Well, then... Let's watch reality shows," Yuki-Rin suggested.

"Why not? And, while we're all here in New York, why don't we go down to the house where the film Jersey Shore and tar and feather it?" Heathcliffe suggested.

"Jersey Shore sucks!" Holden yelled. Police sirens went off in the background. "Uhh... I think we're going to prison."

"What makes you say that?" Hana asked.

"Because we insulted Jersey Shore, and the Jersey Shore Police are looking for us," Holden explained.

"This is Kizaru with the Jersey Shore Police! Come out with your hands out!"

The Capricorns screamed and broke windows.

"Merry Christmas in July!" The Capricorns yelled before they jumped out of a window.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see fifty more chapters of crack!<strong>


	51. Homestuck Time!

**Author's Note**: This is one of the longest chapters of this fic I'm writing, considering what I'm parodying.

Now then, who likes Homestuck? Well, you're getting a parody of it! We're making this happen! But, due to the fact that Homestuck is an epic, I will have to omit many things, such as Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, Squiddles, irony, Nic Cage movies, Pesterlogs, most kernelsprites, Faygo, Guy Fieri running the U.S. Supreme Court, all references to Juggalos/Insane Clown Posse, Betty Crocker, Wandering Vagabond's storyline, the Trolls' ancestors, and how Troll relationships work. But, fear not, there WILL be a sequel to this chapter in the future, and it may or may not include those things.

Now, let's begin the Homestuck parody! We're making this happen!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, Homestuck, Andrew Hussie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, _Fifty Shades of Grey_, _Twilight_, Night Raid 1931, Portlandia, Chuck Testa, _The Hunger Games_, Pop'n Music, or the songs _Clocks _by Coldplay or _Red Wine (Tommie Sunshine's Brooklyn Fire Re-Touch)_ by The Hush Sound.**

* * *

><p>A young man with a Straw Hat stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, May 5th, Cinco de Mayo, is this young man's birthday. Though it was seventeen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name. What is his name?<p>

**Enter name**: John Egbert.

Wrong guy! Enter his real name!

**Enter name**: Monkey D. Luffy

Your name is Monkey D. Luffy. You like meat, pirates, and meat. You also play video games. Your Pesterlog handlename is** Straw Hat Luffy**. Today, you're going to play a new game called Sburb, but we're going to shift our focus right now.

* * *

><p>On the other side of the country, a young, blue-haired girl sat in her bedroom, preparing to play Sburb. What is her name?<p>

**Enter name**: Rose Lalonde.

Again?

**Enter name**: Vivi Nefetari

Your name is Vivi Nefetari. You're an heiress to a company that ships sand from a desert to another desert. Despite that, you live in Upstate New York. Your Pesterlog handlename is** Princess Vivi**, and we're going to go focus on the next character.

* * *

><p>On an island in the Pacific, a dark-haired woman was also preparing to play Homestuck. Let's give her her name.<p>

**Enter name**: Jade Harley

Okay, who hired this episode's writers? Clearly, this woman is NOT Jade Harley!

**Enter name**: Nico Robin

Your name is Nico Robin. You like reading, archaeology, musicals, and coffee. You're on the FBI's Most Wanted List all because you translated some stuff with Rosetta Stone. Your Pesterlog handlename is** Night Raid 1931 is the Portlandia of Animes**.

And, now, let's check on our fourth player before he gets lost in his own room.

* * *

><p>Over in a city in Texas, a marimo was lost in his bedroom. His name?<p>

**Enter name**: Baka Marimo

While that name is fitting, it's not his name. Put in his real name before he threatens to kill you.

**Enter name**: Roronoa Zoro

Your name is Roronoa Zoro. You like to play with sharp, pointy swords in your free time. You also like to sleep and get completely drunk. You also have the worst sense of direction in the One Piece world.

Your Pesterlog handlename is** I Got Lost in my Own House**. And, so, the authoress got tired of writing in second-person P.O.V., so we're switching P.O.V.s

* * *

><p><strong>First Person P.O.V.<strong>

"Sugoi! My copy of Sburb is here!" Luffy announced as he ran into the house.

"That's nice," Luffy's grandpa, Garp, said apathetically. "Now, will you make me a sandwich?"

"But, Gramps!" Luffy cried. Garp stormed up to Luffy and grabbed him by the vest.

"Uh-uh! You're gonna get up in that kitchen and make me a sammich, or else I'll make you watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic with me!" Garp threatened. Luffy screamed.

"No! Not Scootaloo!" Luffy screamed before he ran into the kitchen. Several minutes later, Luffy had installed Sburb into his computer.

"Sugoi! Now I can play things!" Luffy yelled. Then, a couch was thrown into his room from outside. "What the Fluttershy?"

"Just making room for the Alchemitizer!" Robin yelled from her island.

"Hey, Luffy! Wanna watch an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic that has Apple Jack in it?"

A ghostly version of Garp floated into the room. Luffy tiled his head.

"Gramps, did you die?" Luffy asked. "Cool! This means I can order adult movies on demand!"

"Bitch, I'm a Garpsprite. Some weird doohickey created me," Garp explained. "Now, make me a sammich!"

Over on her island, Robin was helping Zoro, Vivi, and Luffy set up all the machines at their houses, when she got a phone call.

"Hello?" Robin asked.

"_The Game_."

Whoever was speaking hung up. Terrified, Robin put away her phone.

"I just lost The Game…" Robin said as her eyes trailed to a screen showing Luffy. "Luffy, don't eat the Grist!"

Back at Luffy's house, Luffy was eating the Grist that came with the Alchemitizer.

"But, they look like Fruit Gushers!" Luffy cried. He then turned into a Luffy Totem Lathe. "Robin! Why the funhouse did I turn into a vase?"

Robin facepalmed.

"I'll be right there," Robin said before she teleported to Luffy's house. "Whoops, we need to get Zoro before he gets very lost."

At Zoro's apartment, Zoro was looking for his Alchemitizer, which was right behind him.

"Where the fuck is that machine Robin was talking about? I hope it's not on the roof," Zoro said to himself. The words "Zoro, you epic fail" flashed onto the screen. "Guess I have to call Vivi."

Zoro got out his hamburger phone and dialed a number. But, all he heard was a dial tone. With a shrug, Zoro hung up.

"Hmm… I guess Vivi's smoking right now. I'll call her back."

* * *

><p>Vivi awoke next to Luffy inside of a castle. Both of them wore purple nightgowns.<p>

"Where am I?" Vivi asked Luffy.

"I think we're on those bath salts Gramps brings home sometimes," Luffy guessed. Zoro and Robin entered the room, both wearing yellow footy pajamas with Scottie dogs on them.

"Oh, no! We've gotta kill those zombies! They must be on bath salts, too!" Vivi cried before she tackled Luffy, Zoro, and Robin to the ground, starting a massive catfight that killed themselves.

What the four didn't know was that they were from Prospit (Zoro and Robin) and Derse (Luffy and Vivi), and they accidentally killed their dream selves.

* * *

><p>Vivi then awoke in the arms of Robin, who was flying toward a portal with Luffy and Zoro.<p>

"Robin… Am I on bath salts?" Vivi asked Robin.

"Nope! We're going to the God Tier of Skaia! We're gonna be rich bitches like you, Vivi!" Luffy said joyfully.

"I'm not a bitch," Vivi pointed out.

"Well –" Zoro said before he fell asleep. Vivi shrugged.

"I guess I'm gonna be a God. I hope I packed some tampons in case IT happens," Vivi said to herself.

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

The Cipher Pol 9, New York's most notorious mafia family, were in the mansion of their enemy, Funkfreed the Elephant. In order to get to Funkfreed, they had to destroy his 1,001 clocks first.

"_The lights go out and I can't be saved_  
><em>Tides that I tried to swim against<em>  
><em>Have brought me down upon my knees<em>  
><em>Oh I beg, I beg and plead singing<em>

_Come out of things unsaid_  
><em>Shoot an apple off my head<em>  
><em>And a trouble that can't be named<em>  
><em>A tiger's waiting to be tamed singing<em>

_You are_  
><em>You are<em>  
><em>Confusion never stops<em>

_Closing walls and ticking clocks_  
><em>Gonna come back and take you home<em>  
><em>I could not stop that you now know singing<em>," Lucci sang as he destroyed a clock.

And, now, back to our show!

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>On a faraway planet called "Alternia", thirty-eight trolls between the ages of thirteen and fourty-something were finishing up their own version of Sburb. They called themselves "The Capricorn Trolls" after a crazy Juggalo named Gamzee Makara.<p>

"Hey, yo, that's not cool," Gamzee pointed out off-screen. The authoress then fired some of this episode's writers. "Thank you. You made motherfucking miracles happen."

Anyway, the Capricorns were all silent, because they were all excited to win the game.

"Guys, are you ready?" Yuki-Rin, the leader of the Capricorns, asked her fellow Trolls.

"Hell yeah!" The Capricorn Trolls yelled.

"Put your guns on!" Yuki-Rin yelled as she reached out to claim the final prize. Sadly, something happened, and they were flung back to the mansion they lived in.

"What the France?"

"Not cool, man! Not cool!"

"Where's the cow I was promised?"

"Baka Enlai! You started this!"

"Did we… Lose The Game?"

"You just lost The Game."

The Trolls looked up, and they saw a vision of Lord Itchy Crocodile.

"Damn you, Crocodile!" The Capricorns yelled. Crocodile crossed his arms.

"Well, some kids from a faraway place called 'America' caused this. And, because of that, you're all going to die unless you get your asses to a magical bot called the 'Nice Boat'. Why? Because you ARE the Weakest Links. Good-bye," Crocodile explained before he disappeared to a cloud of sparkly, pink, fairy dust. The Capricorns then screamed.

"I'm too cute to be in the Troll Hunger Games!" Dewey, the youngest Troll at thirteen, cried.

"You idiot, there's not supposed to be a cute Troll!" Yulia cried.

"But, Rufio said that I was cute! Right, Rufio?" Dewey asked to either an invisible person or thin air.

"Nope! Chuck Testa!" Yuki-Rin's Chuck Testasprite said. The Capricorns grew silent.

"In the words of my Troll ancestor, Karkat Vantas, we're fucked," Heathcliffe said. "By the way, Yuki-Rin's Chuck Testasprite will taxidermize my sexy corpse so Aki can marry it. It'll be just like the movie Corpse Bride, and it'll be fucking awesome."

"Chuck Testa does not taxidermize humans," The Ojai Valley Taxidermy commercial announcer guy said. Then, Luffy, Zoro, Vivi, and Robin appeared in the fairy dust that gathered after Crocodile finished talking.

"Hey! This isn't the Land of Tacos and Malls!" Luffy cried.

"This isn't the Land of Porn and Mountainside Lakes!" Zoro cried.

"This isn't the Land of Butter and Pop'n Music!" Vivi cried.

"And, this isn't the Land of Sexy Punks and Chihuahuas in Purses!" Robin cried. The Capricorns sweatdropped.

"That's because you're on Alternia, land of Trolls," Hana explained.

"Unfortunately, we're the last of our kind, and Sburb is going to be scratched soon," Yuki-Rin explained.

"What happens in the Scratch? Do we get back rubs?" Luffy asked Yuki-Rin.

"If we don't get out of the game, we die. Then, we have to wait three years on a ship until we can do something," Yuki-Rin explained. Zoro scratched his head in confusion.

"What does it mean for us?" Zoro asked Yuki-Rin. The Trolls narrowed their eyes.

"Get in, losers. We're going shopping," Hana said as the Trolls pushed Luffy, Vivi, Robin, and Zoro onto a bamboo boat with a bamboo roof. On the side of the boat, there was a sign that said "Nice Boat".

"Okay! We're making this happen!" Kazuma announced before the boat set sail. A few minutes later…

"_We're on the road to Viridian_ –" Luffy sang loudly before Kartik cut him off.

"Shut up, Lowblood!" Kartik yelled in a demonic manner. The Trolls gasped.

"What? This is a crack fic. Kartik's just doing some funny impressions," Luffy explained.

"Uhh… No, he's not. Kartik's going sober," Matsu explained. "You see, if Kartik doesn't read enough books, he goes insane and kills Trolls."

"Where are my Shakespeare, Dickens, Austen, Bronte, Steinbeck, and Tolstoy books?" Kartik yelled in a demonic manner.

"What the fuck? Why does Kartik want to kill us over BOOKS?" Zoro cried.

"It's because Kartik has purple blood. It's a long story we'll save for a later time," Yuki-Rin explained. Daisuke then got out a pillow and suffocated Kartik with it.

"Shh… Shh… It'll be all over soon," Daisuke whispered re-assuringly to Kartik as the purple-blooded, purple-haired Troll passed out. Daisuke then slipped a copy of _Fifty Shades of Grey_ and a copy of_ Twilight_ under Kartik's arm.

"Hey, Yuki-Rin, now's the later time! Tell us why Kartik became a meanie!" Luffy yelled. Yuki-Rin sighed.

"Well, we Trolls have blood that's all the colors of the rainbow. Purple and blue bloods are – well – blue bloods. Anybody who has red blood is an outcast. For instance, I have lime-colored blood, Kazuma has bluish-yellow blood, Daisuke has green blood, and Hana has light-blue blood," Yuki-Rin explained.

"Shut up, Yuki-Rin! Red's a color for punks!" Heathcliffe cried as he put his arms in front of his fellow red-blooded Trolls, Aria, Mina, and Enlai.

"Do those guys have red blood?" Vivi asked.

"Yeah. The other, non-Capricorn Trolls treat us like shit, because red is the lowest colored blood. I think Kartik has purple blood because it's his hair color," Heathcliffe explained. Everyone grew silent.

"Well, the Scratch happened, so we're going to a new universe," Yuki-Rin said. Then, the CP9 appeared on the boat.

"Holy [Bleep] on a [Bleep] sandwich!" Kaku commented. Then, the really inappropriate music began.

"_The sea is wine red_  
><em>This is the death of beauty<em>  
><em>The doves have died<em>  
><em>The lovers have lied<em>," Luffy, Zoro, Robin, Vivi, the Capricorns, and the CP9 sang.

_"I cut the arrow from your neck_  
><em>Stretched you beneath the tree<em>  
><em>Among the roots and baby's breath<em>  
><em>I covered us with silver leaves<em>," Vivi sang.

_"Gloria,_  
><em>We lied, we can't go on<em>  
><em>This is the time and this is the place to be alive<em>," Zoro sang. "Wait, who's Gloria?"

"_The sea is wine red_  
><em>This is the death of beauty<em>  
><em>The doves have died<em>  
><em>The lovers have lied<em>

_The sea is wine red_  
><em>This is the death of beauty<em>  
><em>The doves have died<em>  
><em>The lovers have lied<em>

_The sea is wine red (Gloria, we lied)_  
><em>This is the death of beauty (this is the time and place)<em>  
><em>The doves have died (Gloria, we lied)<em>  
><em>The lovers have lied (this is the time and place<em>)," Luffy, Zoro, Robin, Vivi, the Capricorns, and the CP9 sang. Somewhere in Massachusetts…

"Happy Sburb Scratch, everyone!" The fictional version of Andrew Hussie said to the audience. "See you in thirty chapters with the Alpha version of Sburb!"

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see a sequel to this chapter in thirty chapters!<strong>


	52. A Chapter Set in the 1920's

**Author's Note**: I bet you're all wondering "Why is the authoress spamming us with chapters for **The DysFUNctional Pirates**? Shouldn't she packing for her vacation?" Well, here's the thing - I suddenly got A LOT of ideas for this fic, and I want to write them. Yes, this means that there is a likely chance that I will update during my vacation, so, don't be surprised if you see me update between Sunday and Friday (or Saturday, since my parents were discussing the possibility of staying an extra day where we're going).

So, anyway, let's begin the chapter. In fact, this fic needs a good, cracky, 1920's AU, don't you think?

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or any songs used. Also, be warned that this chapter has gratuitous use of 1920's slang and mentions of club drugs. You have been warned.**

* * *

><p>New York was the place to be in the 1920's. Everyone wanted to party, drink illegal drinks, party, drink illegal drinks, and wear scandalous clothing, if you were a girl. And, New York City was the place Usopp and his dad, Yasopp, moved to.<p>

"Dad, what are we doing here?" Usopp asked. He felt very out of place in his overalls, no shirt, bandana, googles, and boots, since all of the men wore sexy, gangster suits.

"Because we're hiding from the cops – I mean, my boss transferred us here," Yasopp explained.

"What did you do to get transferred?" Usopp asked his dad.

"I made illegal booze – I mean, I sold crystal meth on the streets – I mean, I made counterfeit wallets – I mean, I beat up my boss' boss – I mean, I threw a mad office rave – I mean, shut up and stop asking me questions!" Yasopp yelled before he hit Usopp in his long nose. "Twenty-three skidoo, biatch!"

Yasopp ran away.

"Hey! Follow that man! He punched his son!" Coby, a cop, yelled before he tripped and fell. "My leg!"

"Hey! Are you a new kid or something?"

A boy wearing a Straw Hat that needs no introduction ran up to Usopp.

"Yeah. My name's Usopp, and I'm from Canada," Usopp introduced himself. Luffy tilted his head.

"What's a Canada?" Luffy asked Usopp.

"I'm Canada!" Canada from Hetalia cried. But, because he wasn't from One Piece, nobody saw or heard Canada.

"Canada is the country north of us," Usopp explained. Luffy cleared his throat. "And he's a Hetalia character nobody notices."

Some music began to play.

"_Brits have got the monarchy_ _The U.S. has the money_ _But I know that you wanna be Canadian_ _The French have got the wine and cheese_ _Koalas chill with the Aussies_ _But I know that you wanna be Canadian_," Luffy sang.

"But, I just moved here. My dad got transferred to New York for making illegal booze, selling crystal meth, making counterfeit wallets, beating up his boss' boss, and for throwing a mad rave at his office," Usopp explained.

"Good enough for me! Let's be friends!" Luffy said. A few minutes later, Luffy and Usopp arrived at a donut shop.

"Fucking magnets, how do they work?" Luffy shouted at the door before the two friends entered the donut shop.

"Luffy, we're at a donut shop, not one of those speakeasies my dad talks about," Usopp explained.

"What can I get you boys today?" Tashigi, the clerk, asked Luffy and Usopp.

"Bacon donuts!" Luffy answered as he panted like a dog.

"Luffy, how many times do I have to tell you that bacon donuts don't exist yet?" Tashigi asked Luffy. Luffy pouted. (1)

"I'm not a Krusty Krab," Luffy muttered under his breath. Usopp sighed.

"If it's not too much trouble, then I would like a glazed donut," Usopp ordered.

"Would you like anything to drink, bird?" Tashigi asked Usopp sexily. Usopp blushed.

"Why are you calling me 'bird'? My name is Usopp," Usopp asked Tashigi.

"Oh, it's local slang for 'man'. You should get a wiggle on with learning the Big Apple's slang. I mean, it's just the bee's knees, isn't it?" Tashigi asked Usopp as she put some donuts into a bag.

"Luffy, has this girl been taking illegal club drugs or something? I have no clue what's she's saying," Usopp whispered to Luffy.

"No, she's speakin' local jive, and she's hitting on all sixes at it. Now, do you want some java, or do we have to give ourselves the bum's rush outta this joint?" Luffy explained. Usopp turned pale.

"I think you were at my dad's office rave. It sounds like he snuck you some club drugs if you did. If you weren't at the party, then I feel like a big Palooka in this city," Usopp explained. A bell dinged in the background.

"Now you're on the trolley, Usopp! You picked up our lingo!" Tashigi cheered.

"Pipe down over there! I'm trying to embezzle some rubes so I can get baking lessons!" Aokiji yelled from across the street. Luffy turned to Usopp.

"Hey, Usopp, let's eat these sinkers and go see a motion picture," Luffy suggested.

"Don't you mean a movie?" Usopp asked as they exited the donut shop.

"Doesn't matter. Now, do you want to see _Sex Drive_ or _Talledega Nights_?" Luffy asked Usopp.

"_Talledega Nights_. It's a funny movie," Usopp answered. (2)

"Sugoi! I'm sure we'll have a swell, kawaii time that's just the cat's pajama's, desu!" Luffy said in an intriguing mixture of 1920's slang and weeaboo lingo. Two hours later, Luffy and Usopp walked out of the movie theater as the sun was setting.

"You were right, Usopp! That movie was the bee's knees!" Luffy commented.

"And how! _Talledga Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby_ will always be the cat's meow!" Usopp said in agreement. Luffy froze in his tracks. "What's eating you? Are those club drugs my dad gave you taking hold?"

"Usopp, you dad didn't give me anything," Luffy pointed out. "Wait – Who's your dad?"

Usopp facepalmed.

"Anyway, I have to go see a man about a dog. YOLO," Luffy said before he walked away. Usopp decided to secretly follow Luffy like a boss.

"Looks like Luffy isn't going to go see a man about a dog. Does he like wandering around New York alone? Is he going home? If so, where is his home? Does he live in a mansion or in a box? How many swimsuits does Luffy own? On what days does Luffy eat eggs for breakfast? Does he like the Heathcliff cartoon? Do I sound schizophrenic, do I sound like a stalker, or do I sound like I'm on my dad's club drugs from his rave?" Usopp wondered to himself out loud. Luffy stopped in his tracks, but it was to watch the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile drive down the street.

"Shucks, Usopp. How did you know that I was going out with a fine-ass doll?" Luffy asked. Usopp sweatdropped.

"But, Luffy, I thought you were single," Usopp said. Luffy tore off his clothes, revealing his formal suit from Strong World. "And what do you mean by 'fine-ass doll'?"

"You haven't met Yuki-Rin? Usopp, you epic fail of a can of biscuits!" Luffy cried as he grabbed Usopp by the nose.

"I can't breathe or even talk right!" Usopp gasped.

"Come on, Usopp! Let's go drink some giggle water!" Luffy said.

"Giggle water? Oh, God, I'm gonna get drunk in a speakeasy. I haven't even met a flapper or a gangster yet," Usopp thought to himself as Luffy walked up the steps to a pimping-looking townhouse and knocked on the door.

"Password?" Somebody asked from behind the door. Luffy let go of Usopp and cleared his throat.

"_Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should_  
><em>Terrify their neighborhood<em>  
><em>But Heathcliff just won't be outdone<em>  
><em>Playing pranks on everyone<em>

_There's a race to be on top_  
><em>The competition doesn't stop<em>  
><em>Mixing with the ladies fair<em>  
><em>Being charming, debonair<em>

_The gang will reign supreme_  
><em>And no one can deny<em>  
><em>They'll make some<em> –" Luffy sang badly to the tune of Mami's theme from Madoka Magica. Holden then stepped out of the building, wearing a sexy gangster suit.

"OMFGWTFLOL! It's Holden Sarutobi, the sexy gangster!" Girls and women walking down the street yelled. Usopp facepalmed.

"Can somebody please take me home?" Usopp asked himself. Holden walked up to Usopp.

"_I could dream of ways to see you_ _I could close my eyes to dream_ _I could fantasize about you_ _Tell the world what I believe_ _But whenever I'm not with you_ _It's so hard for me to see_ _I need to see a picture of you_ _A special picture just for me, yeah_

_So take a dirty pictu_ –" Holden sang before police cars surrounded the three. (3)

"Holden Sarutobi, this is the police! Come out with your hands up! We have you surrounded!" The police yelled. Usopp shrugged and walked away. A few minutes later…

"I'm home!" Usopp announced as he entered his house.

"Son, we have to move," Yasopp announced. Usopp sighed.

"Did you make illegal booze, sell crystal meth, make counterfeit wallets, beat up your boss' boss, and throw a mad rave at your office again?" Usopp asked his dad.

"No, duh, son. I always do that," Yasopp explained.

"Where are we moving to next?" Usopp asked his dad.

"We're moving to Chicago," Yasopp announced. And, in Chicago, Usopp had the same experiences he did in New York, except Luffy was replaced by Chopper, Tashigi was replaced by Momonga, and Holden was replaced by Kartik.

Some things never change.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Here are some things I learned from this one-shot:

**(1) **- Bacon donuts exist, just not in the 1920's. I live in a world-famous area that has its own share of iconic food, and we have TWO places that sell maple bars topped with bacon. In my opinion, I wouldn't eat it, since bacon-topped donuts don't sound tasty.

**(2)** - _Talledega Nights_ is a funny movie. I don't even like Nascar, and that movie's still funny.

**(3)** - If you have the Ke$ha song _Dirty Picture _stuck in your head for some weird reason, chances are that the song will appear in the fic.

**Review if you want to see crazy stuff such as Crocodile dressing up as Ke$ha, Zoro house-sitting for (insert character of your choosing here), or if you want me to parody _Gone With the Wind_.**


	53. Bonney and Law Pickle Things

**Author's Note**: Bonney and Law got tired of putting birds on things, so they decided to pickle things. That's the gist of this chapter. Like _Bonney Putting Birds on Things_, this oneshot is based off of a Portlandia sketch. This time, the sketch in question is the "We Can Pickle It" sketch, since it had the same two people from the "Put a Bird on It" sketch.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, the song _Magic Carpet Ride_ (this song is only in this oneshot because I was inspired by an "Ask Feferi" video where Feferi makes cupcakes with Gamzee), or Portlandia.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny afternoon on the Island of (Insert Island Name Here) as Fake Robin was packing up a cucumber stand she was working at.<p>

"Wow, I gave so many cucumbers to my doppleganger friends, even though I still have many [Pingas] cucumbers left," Fake Robin said in amazement. Bonney and Law approached her.

"We can pickle that," Law and Bonney said as Law held out a pickle jar filled with green liquid. Fake Robin put her hands on her hips.

"Oh, no. I need to give this cucumber to a little child and/or reindeer in a perverted manner," Fake Robin explained.

"Yoink!" Law said as he grabbed the cucumber and put it into the jar. Law and Bonney laughed.

"I love you, Portlandia writers!" Bonney yelled as she blew many kisses to the sky, the ground, Fake Robin, and the camera. "These pickles cost a nickel."

"Lady, are you on crack?" Fake Robin asked Bonney before Bonney dropped the cucumber jar on her head.

"Twenty-three skidoo!" Law and Bonney said before they linked their arms and skipped off. A few minutes later, Law and Bonney arrived in the main drag of the town.

"So many things to pickle, so little time," Bonney commented.

"That's what she said," Law said. Zoro approached the two.

"Oi, am I missing a tooth?" Zoro asked before he grinned. One tooth fell out of his mouth.

"Yes, but –" Law said as Bonney picked up the tooth.

"We can pickle it," Bonney said as she put the tooth into the pickling jar. Zoro sweatdropped.

"Oi, did you two escape from a mental zoo?" Zoro asked the two hipsters.

"We prefer 'organic llama farm'," Law stated before he and Bonney walked away. Zoro glared at them.

"This ain't over, homies!" Zoro yelled. Down the street…

"That was a very good movie, but I don't think I can finish all this popcorn," Vivi commented as she walked out of a movie theater with a bucket of popcorn the depth of a Big Glup.

"We can pickle that!" Bonney said as she poured the popcorn into the pickling jar. Bonney then gave the pickled popcorn to Vivi.

"Uhh… Are you sure this is safe to eat?" Vivi asked Bonney.

"Of course! If you get poisioning, call poison control. Tell them that Bonney and Law sent you," Bonney explained before she and Law walked away. Meanwhile, the Capricorns were at a trendy place that sold trendy cupcakes.

"Hey, Shitty Katsuragi, try this cupcake," Enlai said to Wolfgang as he held up a vanilla cupcake with white frosting and rainbow sprinkles. Wolfgang inspected the cupcake.

"Did you lace this with any type of drug?" Wolfgang asked Enlai.

"No. Why would I do that to a person I hate?" Enlai asked Wolfgang. With a shrug, Wolfgang ate the cupcake. A few seconds later, he was lying down and feeling like he was high.

_I like to dream, yes_  
><em>Right between the sound machine<em>  
><em>On a cloud of sound I drift in the night<em>  
><em>Any place it goes is right<em>  
><em>Goes far, flies near<em>  
><em>To the stars away from here<em>

_Well, you don't know what_  
><em>We can find<em>  
><em>Why don't you come with me little girl<em>  
><em>On a magic carpet ride<em>

"Too much rainbow!" Wolfgang cried.

"Oh, my God!" Kartik cried. Enlai smirked. "What did you put in those cupcakes, Enlai?"

"Rainbow sprinkles," Enlai said with a troll face. Law picked up the cupcake.

"No! No more cupcakes for you!" Law yelled. "I get to pickle it now!"

Law put the cupcake in his pickling jar.

"Please don't tell me you're going to use that to get high," Kartik said.

"We won't. We just like to pickle things," Bonney said before she and Law left the store.

"How did it get down to us PICKLING random things?" Law asked Bonney.

"Serj Tarkian. Your argument is invalid," Bonney answered. The two hipsters grew silent. "So… What can we pickle next?"

A computer landed at their feet.

"You piece of pancakes! You can't even translate the sentence 'I can eat corn on the cob with my bare feet' into Korean! My Korean chat buddy will kill me if he finds out that I can't speak Korean!" Chaka yelled from a roof. Law looked to Bonney.

"We can pickle that!" Law and Bonney shouted to Chaka.

"What? What did you say about horses with machine guns?" Chaka yelled. Two hours later…

"Why did we pickle that computer?" Law asked Bonney.

"I know, right? Now some guy doesn't have a computer," Bonney added as they approached what appeared to be a strip club. The Buggy Pirates – with censor bars over their eyes – were exiting the club.

"Not this again. It seems like they censor us everytime Bonney and Law take up a new hipster craft," Buggy said to himself. Yet again, his voice was altered to protect innocent people like Allen Walker.

"We can pickle that," Law and Bonney said as they took the censor bars off of the pirates' eyes and put them in the pickling jar.

"Really? Are you two that LACKING in creativity?" Alvida asked Law and Bonney. What seemed like moments later, Law and Bonney were back at Law's submarine.

"Wow, look at all this pickled stuff," Bonney commented as they studied the jars of pickled cucumbers, teeth, computers, popcorn, rainbow sprinkle crack cupcakes, and censor bars.

"Le sigh… Looks like we have nothing left to pickle," Law commented. Bonney removed Law's shoes.

"We can pickle these," Bonney said as she held up Law's shoes. Law responded by taking off Bonney's jacket. "If you're gonna strip me, we stop pickling things."

Law pouted as he put Bonney's jacket into a pickling jar. Bonney dropped Law's shoes into another pickling jar.

"Now what do we do with all of these pickled items?" Bonney asked Law.

"We drop them from freeway overpasses?" Law questioned. Bonney pondered this for a moment.

"I have a better idea…" Bonney said. Meanwhile, on the Hyperion…

"Alright, guys, we're going to have to step up our Google Maps stalking strategy. Last week was a total bummer," Enlai explained to the Capricorns as he pointed to a graph behind him. "Now, locations we're stationed at is now disproportionate to people we're supposed to be stalking. Daisuke, where are you when we need you, man? You're supposed to be stalking Franky."

"I don't wanna stalk Franky! I wanna stalk Sengoku's seagull!" Daisuke proclaimed. Bonney and Law entered the room.

"Oh, hi, hipsters. If you aren't Google Maps stalkers, then leave," Enlai explained.

"We need to use your bathroom," Law said before he threw up on Kartik's shoes. His puke was rainbow-colored.

"Excuse me?" Kartik cried. Bonney then puked on Kartik's shoes. Like Law, her puke was rainbow-colored. "Well, I do declare!"

Kartik then fainted like a Southern lady. Matsu gave a death glare to Law and Bonney.

"You'll pay for this…" Matsu said darkly. Law and Bonney screamed and ran away in an obscure fashion you don't know about.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>Kartik, please remember that Southern ladies don't sweat, they glisten. But, obviously, you're a guy, so that doesn't apply to you. I just wanted to say that. :D

**Review if you want to see magical crack such as Doflamingo and Crocodile baking cookies, Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren impersonating the members of My Chemical Romance at Dadan's birthday party, or if you want to see Iceburg and Paulie start a "fruity rumpus factory" in the words of Terezi Pyrope.**


	54. Well, I Do Declare!

**Author's Note**: In the words of a famous philosopher by the name of Dave Strider, "I warned you about the updates during the authoress' vacation!"

Anyway, the chapter title is appropriate, since this is a sorta-parody of _Gone With the Wind_.

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorns.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day in Los Angeles, as Nami the socialite sat on the front proch of her mansion with two of her friends, Usopp and Luffy.<p>

"Why is this in Los Angeles? Shouldn't a _Gone With the Wind_ parody be set in Georgia?" Nami asked the authoress.

"Do you want us to get sued?" The authoress cried off-screen.

"Why would we be sued?" Nami asked. The authoress threw a copy of the _Gone With the Wind_ book at Nami. The book hit her head, causing Nami to faint.

"I don't understand why _Gone With the Wind_ became such a huge movie," The authoress said as she walked away from the scene. Luffy and Usopp sweatdropped.

"Should we tell Nami that the barbecue Sanji's hosting tomorrow is an excuse for him to propose to Robin?" Usopp asked Luffy.

"Nah. Let's go spy on the ice cream man," Luffy suggested.

* * *

><p>When Nami awoke, it was the next afternoon.<p>

"Oh, Shite and Onions Celtic punk podcast! Sanji's barbecue is today!" Nami cried before she made a run for Sanji's mansion. A few minutes later…

"Name?" Zeff asked the Capricorns. Before Kartik could say anything, Nami pushed several of the Capricorns out of the way.

"I volunteer as Tribute!" Nami yelled as she ran up to Zeff. The Capricorns and Zeff sweatdropped.

"Rude much?" Drusilla asked in an over-the-top, badly-done, British accent.

"Is it the mice again?" Hana asked in the same accent. With a sigh, Nami headed to the backyard, where Sanji was finishing up his engagement annoucement.

"…Yeah, I got Robin pregnant. Always use a cond –" Sanji said before Robin drunkenly stumbled onto the stage.

"Do you like it? Look at my boobs!" Robin slurred/shouted. Nami facepalmed.

"Have you no class?" Nami cried.

"Have you no bra?" Robin slurred back. Nami sighed.

"Don't look at me like that!" Nami yelled to the Capricorns.

"But, we –" Daisuke stuttered before he was cut off.

"Who put Shredded Wheat in my iPad case?" (1)

Sanji sweatdropped.

"Looks like Patty and Carne found my alcohol, some Shredded Wheat, and my iPad," Sanji said to himself before he walked away. Nami sighed, again.

"I'm just gonna leave, okay? Not my fault that everyone's drunk," Nami said.

* * *

><p>"You want me to go WHERE?" Nami asked. It was the next day, and the Capricorns came to visit Nami.<p>

"Reno. You know, as in, that city from Reno 911?" Yuki-Rin explained.

"Oh, yeah! I love that show!" Nami said. "What's the catch?"

"We're gonna trick Sanji into giving Robin a divorce," Heathcliffe explained.

"Heathcliffe, tricking people into divorce is not nice," Nami pointed out.

"But, Robin is just like Roxy Lalonde – Both hold the belief that it's five o'clock somewhere," Heathcliffe explained.

"That sounds too much like Thierry," Holden pointed out. Thierry nervously hid his flask, bottle of whiskey, six-pack of beer, keg, wine cooler, drink mixer, and other things relating to alcohol behind his back.

"Well, it IS five o'clock somewhere," Thierry argued.

* * *

><p>"What the zebra print purse from Guess?" Nami cried. The Capricorns just arrived in Reno, and there was a brush fire outside of town.<p>

"Don't think too much about it. Fires happen here a lot," Daisuke pointed out.

"Daisuke, they want us to evacuate if the fire grows," Yulia pointed out.

"But, the divorce!" Heathcliffe cried.

"What divorce?" The Capricorns cried. Nami sighed.

"Guys, the evacuations may not even happen. Just keep calm and wait for the release of Fisheye Placebo," Nami explained. Two hours later…

"What the hell? We were only here for two hours! I'm not going home!" Kazuma cried. The brush fire got bigger, so the Capricorns and Nami had to evacuate.

"Fine, then. Burn to death. We'll be roasting marshmellows over your corpse," Gareth said.

"Hell no! I wanna have Yuki-Rin's babies!" Kazuma cried.

"Kazuma!" Yuki-Rin cried. Nami facepalmed.

"It's times like these where I actually WANT to cosplay as Misty," Nami said to herself before turning to the Capricorns. "Anyway, let's ask that guy to help us evacuate."

Nami pointed to Zoro, who was passed out in the street for no reason.

"Have you no shame? We can't ask that guy! He's passed out in the middle of the street!" Blaise cried.

"Whatever happened to you being gay for me?" Mikuri asked Blaise.

"That's so last year!" Blaise yelled like a Sassy, Gay Friend. Zoro then awoke and noticed the Capricorns and Nami.

"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?" Zoro shouted before he ran for his life. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Well, then, who wants to buy the plane tickets?" Nami asked the Capricorns.

* * *

><p>A week later, it was Sanji's birthday. Why the authoress didn't do a chapter set on his birthday, the world may never know.<p>

"Do I have to go?" Nami asked her sister, Nojiko.

"You can never go wrong with a Homestuck-themed birthday party," Nojiko pointed out.

"Who will I be? Can I at least be Karkat, my patron troll?" Nami asked Nojiko. The next thing Nami knew was that she was entering Sanji's mansion in a cosplay of Roxy Lalonde.

"Why the [Marik Ishtar's dad saying "Eff"] am I the drunk girl?" Nami cried.

"Paradox," Sanji said. Instead of dressing as Jake English or his patron troll, Feferi, Sanji was dressed as Arthur from _Inception_.

"Weren't you supposed to dress as Jake English?" Nami asked Sanji.

"No! The freakin' Marimo's dressed as the Bluh Bluh Bitch!" Sanji cried as he motioned to Zoro, who was cosplaying as Vriska.

"Will freak dance for free booze!" Zoro announced. Several Zoro fangirls ran up to Zoro, who began pelvic thrusting. "_All the single ladies. All the single ladies_."

The people who weren't Zoro fangirls sweatdropped.

"Where's the hidden camera?" Yomi from Azumanga Daioh asked everyone.

"Sanji, can I go home now?" Nami asked Sanji.

"No! I had a reason why I threw your yaoi into the ocean!" Sanji yelled to Hana.

"You didn't have to do that, you jackass!" Hana sobbed as she kicked Sanji in the balls.

"_I've been so lonely girl, I've been so sad and down_  
><em>Couldn't understand why haters joked around<em>  
><em>I wanted to be free with other creatures like me<em>  
><em>And, now I got my wish, 'cause I know that I'm a gay fish<em>," Jinbei sang. Then, everyone threw up.

"I NEED AN ADULT!" Nami screamed as she ran out of the mansion for her sanity. A few minutes later, Nami arrived at her mansion.

"Finally, I can recover my sanity!" Nami said. Zoro then entered her mansion and slapped Nami.

"I don't care what people say! Homer Simpson got tazed when he wandered onto that soccer field!" Zoro screamed before he tore off his shirt because he could.

"Uhh… I think you're drunk," Nami said. Zoro got out a huge bottle of wine and drank from it.

"Frankly, my deer, I don't give a damn," Zoro slurred before he threw up and passed out on Nami's couch. Nami calmly walked over to her phone and dialed a number.

"Hello, Passages Rehab Facility in Malibu?"

* * *

><p><strong>(1)<strong> - This is a true story that happened this morning. So, my dad was eating Shredded Wheat for breakfast, and my mom's iPad case was a couple of feet away. As we were getting ready to go to the beach, I heard my mom say "Who got Shredded Wheat in my iPad case?" Sure enough, some of my dad's cereal was in her iPad case. XD

**Review if you want to see Crocodile become the mascot for a sugary cereal, Kaku becoming a body builder, or if you want to see the Capricorns go on a crazy road trip.**


	55. Memoirs of a Geisha

**Author's Note**: I wrote this oneshot while on vacation, but I didn't get a chance to finish and publish it until I got home today. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Also, I am not parodying the real-life ancedotes that inspired the book/film _Memoirs of a Geisha_. This is an original work of fiction.**

* * *

><p><strong>Japan, 1932?<strong>

It was a sunny day somewhere in Japan, as young Kazuma Miyafuji was showing off his six-pack at the river.

"How do I even have a six-pack in 1932?" Kazuma – who was fully clothed – asked as he held up a six-pack of beer. The cops then arrived at the river.

"Give me that. Teenaged boys shouldn't have that stuff," Smoker said as he grabbed the six-pack and threw it into the river, where it exploded on impact.

"I wasn't even going to drink that! I was going to show it off for no reason!" Kazuma cried. Smoker rolled his eyes like a teenaged girl.

"Anyway, I think you should hurry on home. Isn't your mom dying?" Smoker asked Kazuma.

"No. But, YOUR MOM is dying," Kazuma retorted. Smoker glared at Kazuma.

"Come with me, little boy. Your father sold you to a geisha house in Kyoto," Smoker explained.

"What the fun times?! My dad's too awesome to do that!" Kazuma cried. Smoker looked Kazuma in the eye as if Kazuma was a new pack of cigars Smoker bought.

"Listen here, son. Your father, Dracule Mihawk, did some bad things – Selling marijuana, driving under the influence, not seperating paper from plastic, feeding live animals, tazing a guy who took his Subway sandwich, jaywalking, murder, arson, the works. Since he has tons of community service to do, Sir Crocodile will make you into a manly geisha," Smoker explained.

"A manly geisha?! Bro, geisha's aren't supposed to be manly! Why won't you let me be staight?! I love this one girl, and –" Kazuma cried before Smoker cut him off.

"Save it for the World Series," Smoker said. In town, Mihawk was doing community service, which consisted of reading books out loud at a hipster coffee shop.

"…And, then, Katniss Everdeen and Master Roshi defeated the giant Cthulhu that was holding Sheldon Cooper hostage. They went back to Hogwarts in their Tardis, and they did shots with Nepeta Leijon, Jon Snow, Gale Hawthorne, Irene Adler, and Ichigo Kurosaki. All was well in the land of Narnia," Mihawk read from a book titled _Katniss Everdeen and Master Roshi do Things_.

"Not hipster enough!" A drunk Lucky Roux yelled from the back.

"Needs more unicorn juice!" An equally drunk Magellan yelled. In Kyoto…

"Welcome to my crib," Crocodile – who was dressed as a pimp – welcomed Kazuma and Smoker as they entered Crocodile's pimped-out geisha house.

"Here. This kid is not my problem anymore," Smoker explained as he pushed Kazuma inside.

"Can we have a fruity rumpus party?" Kazuma asked really derpily.

"No, mah boi, this is not a fruity rumpus place. If you want a fruity rumpus place, please go next door to Doflamingo's brothel," Crocodile explained as he pointed to a large, pink building. Sexy disco music was blaring from the pink building.

"Jegus…" Kazuma muttered.

"What did you say?!" Crocodile yelled as he pulled a shotgun out.

"I said 'jeggings'," Kazuma said. Crocodile glared at Smoker.

"Smokie-Smoke, please leave," Crocodile requested. Smoker lit up his 57th cigar of the day.

"Okay. I was going to go arrest Gecko Moria for his pirated porn anyway," Smoker said before he stole a balloon from a little girl and walked away.

"Now, Kazuma, you're here, because your dad did some bad things and he wanted you to be a slave to gay, crossdressing geishas," Smoker explained tenderly.

"He sent me away to crossdress?! What the hell?!" Kazuma cried. Finnick from _The Hunger Games_ then climbed into the room through a window.

"Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabetes," Finnick said before he jumped out of the window. Kazuma sweatdropped.

"I didn't know Finnick Odair had diabetes," Kazuma commented. One long makeover montage later, Kazuma was now cosplaying as Madoka Kaname.

"So, are you feeling like a geisha?" Crocodile asked Kazuma.

"Why do you do this to me?" Kazuma asked as manly tears streamed down his face.

"Because somebody said so."

Gareth entered the room. He was cosplaying as Homura Akemi.

"Hey, it's Gareth! The cool guy!" Kazuma yelled.

"Charmander! Char!" Gareth yelled like a Charmander. "Anyway, why are you here?"

"My dad did bad things," Kazuma explained. "Oh, by the way, Gareth, can you help me get out of this place so I can elope with Yuki-Rin?"

"You'd have to ask Enlai for that. Why? Because he's got Chinese Swag," Gareth explained. "As for me, Kartik broke my swag earlier."

"How did Kartik break your swag?" Kazuma asked Gareth, whose face darkened.

"Let's not go there…" Gareth said. "I mean, why did Kartik eat the last of the Nutella?"

"This was all over Nutella?" Kazuma asked Gareth.

"Heck yes, it was. Now, if you excuse me, I have to steal some card thingie so I can get some more Nutella at Wal-mart," Gareth said before he ran off. He then tripped.

"I warned you about the stairs!" Every single OC ever made for One Piece shouted. Kazuma sighed and headed upstairs, where Enlai was sitting on a golden throne. He wore a Chinese emperor's robes, and fat!Alvida and Lola were fanning him.

"Yessssss?" Enlai asked, exaggerating his greeting for no reason.

"How do I get out of here?" Kazuma asked the Chinese guy with Chinese Swag.

"Hasn't it ever occurred to you that you could just leave? Even Heathcliffe could figure that out, and he isn't even in this oneshot!" Enlai ranted.

"Heathcliffe's not in this oneshot? Why?!" Kazuma cried.

"He's too busy giving his girlfriend sloppy make-outs, Homestuck-style," Enlai explained.

"What about Holden and Soren?" Kazuma asked.

"They got too caught up in playing Rock Band and they're ignoring you," Enlai explained.

"Daisuke?"

"Why would he be a geisha?"

"Rubio?"

"He ended up in jail because of a bar fight. You can pay his bail if you want."

"Wolfgang?"

"Hell. To. The. No," Enlai stated. "Listen, all you have to do to get out of here is to walk out of the front door, no questions asked."

"Well… Okay," Kazuma said with a nod of his head. "Are you coming with me?"

"I can't. I'm, like, the head geisha that isn't Crocodile. Plus, if I leave, Shitty Katsuragi may take my job," Enlai explained. Kazuma sweatdropped.

"Just go. If you leave, then you will never have to see Wolfgang again," Kazuma pleaded. The two grew silent.

"Brofist! That's the best idea ever!" Enlai said before he and Kazuma fist-bumped.

"Let's go get donuts!" Kazuma said before he and Enlai left the geisha house.

"Hey, get back here! You're supposed to become a geisha!" Crocodile yelled.

"Screw you, man! Shitty Katsuragi can be a geisha in my place!" Enlai yelled.

"I'mma gonna go elope to Vegas with Yuki-Rin, okay?" Kazuma said before he and Enlai walked away from the geisha house like the cool bros they are. A few minutes later, Yuki-Rin arrived at the geisha house.

"I'm here to pick up Kazuma Miyafuji. He said something about eloping to Vegas," Yuki-Rin told Crocodile. Crocodile sighed.

"Don't ask me," Crocodile said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see crazy things such as Crocodile adopting a pet toaster, Spandam helping Nojiko with her knitting, or if you want to see Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper do some fun sciene experiments that may or may not involve GLaDOs.<strong>


	56. The Brony Con

**Author's Note**: Here's a chapter starring two One Piece characters who don't get tortured enough in this fic - Garp and Sengoku. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day at a Marine base as Sengoku did paperwork like a boss.<p>

"Buy a gun!" Sengoku randomly shouted like a boss.

"Like a boss!" Pwngoat yelled like a boss.

"In my mouth!" Sengoku shouted like a boss. Then, Garp burst into the room.

"I'm Black*Star, the man who will surpass God!" Garp proclaimed as he entered Sengoku's office.

"GTFO," Sengoku told Garp.

"Nope! Today's my day off, and you're joining me!" Garp said.

"It's not my day off! How dare you make me go out and pick wildflowers and snuggle bunnies and cheese balls with you!" Sengoku yelled.

"Well, slap me like I'm Joffery! You just ruined our back-up plans for today!" Garp yelled.

"Back-up? Oh, Dear Lord! Just what are you planning?" Sengoku asked Garp, who gave Sengoku a ticket. "A Brony Con? What in the name of David Tennant is a Brony Con?"

Garp pulled off his uniform, revealing a T-shirt with Rainbow Dash on it.

"It's a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic convention," Garp explained. Sengoku facepalmed.

"What has gotten into you, Garp?" Sengoku asked himself. Some time later, Garp and Sengoku were in line at the convention center hosting the Brony con.

"Did somebody throw up rainbows all over these people?" Sengoku asked Garp as they watched cosplayers walk by.

"That's how a pony cosplay is supposed to look. It's not like your name is 'Pants' or anything, just saying," Garp said. Sengoku sighed as they got to the front of the line.

"Tickets, please," Akainu requested. He was cosplaying as Fluttershy.

"Akainu, what in the name of the Kagamine Rin song _I Can Take off my Panties_ are you doing here?" Sengoku asked the Admiral.

"This is a summer job. Please don't tell my wife," Akainu requested. "Anyway, head on in. Your fellow Bronies and Pegasisters are waiting for you."

Garp entered the main hall of the convention center, but Akainu stopped Sengoku.

"You're not in cosplay," Akainu pointed out.

"I don't want to," Sengoku said like a little kid denied a toy. Akainu then put a bag over Sengoku's head.

"There, you're Derpy Hooves. Have fun," Akainu said. With a sigh, Sengoku joined Garp in the convention hall.

"Why can't I be Gamzee Makara?" Sengoku asked Garp.

"Because he's an insane Juggalo. Now, wanna go to the screening room or the pony games first?" Garp asked Sengoku.

"Screening room. That way, nobody will see the bag on my head, which is a virtual mark of shame," Sengoku said. Five hours later…

"Oh, my virgin ears!" Sengoku sobbed as he and Garp exited the screening room.

"Oh, suck it up. At least there were no Rebecca Black ponies," Garp told Sengoku. Then, Luffy walked by cosplaying as a Rebecca Black pony. "Luffy, did you change your underwear?!"

"Yes, Gramps," Luffy said as he picked his nose and walked away. Sengoku facepalmed.

"Why is your grandson here?" Sengoku asked Garp.

"Because a Brony Con is wholesome fun for the whole family," Garp explained right before a riot started. "Shit."

Garp and Sengoku got out their guns.

"This is the Marines! Stop rioting, or we will have to use force!" Garp and Sengoku yelled to the rioters, who froze.

"You're not my mom!" Marco yelled before he took some guy's Pinkie Pie plusie and stormed off. Garp sighed.

"Come on, loser, we're going shopping," Garp said as he dragged Sengoku into the dealer's room. Shanks approached them.

"What do you want, Red-Haired?" Sengoku asked. Shanks put his arms behind his head and stuck out his tongue.

"Draw me like one of your French girls," Shanks panted. Sengoku and Garp rolled their eyes and walked away. "I'll pay you in gum!"

Garp and Sengoku continued on into the dealer's room. They then approached a booth run by Ace and Sabo, who were laughing.

"_It starts to feel like a barricade_  
><em>That keep us away<em>  
><em>To keep us away, it kind of does<em>  
><em>It starts to feel like a barricade<em>  
><em>To keep us away<em>  
><em>Keep us away<em>

_Full speed half blind_  
><em>Full tilt decline<em>  
><em>We turn to past times<em>  
><em>Full speed half blind<em>," Ace and Sabo sang like they were drunk. The two Marines sweatdropped.

"What the fudgesicles?!" Sengoku cried.

"We just saw the guy who got cast as Gloss in the next _Hunger Games_ movie. That poor guy. I mean, who names their baby boy 'Gloss'?" Ace ranted.

"Drunk people?" Garp guessed. Ace grabbed Garp by the shirt.

"Girl, I remember when we was sittin' on your couch, watchin' Good Will Hunting, holdin' hands and drinkin' milkshakes. But milkshakes melt, people change, and you dumped me on my birthday - right after I bought you that really expensive thing from the Body Shop called 'Jojoba Loofah Milk Towel' or something like that. That I sold 147 Cutco knives to afford, but, whatever, hey, it's cool. I've moved on you know; I'm happy now - Well, happy in a crying sorta way. You know, curled up naked in the shower biting your knees wishing you were dead kinda happy. But, I realized you were right, we were never meant to be. And, you know what? Thank God! 'Cause you're the most vapid, whiny blah I've ever met. Always making fun of my clothes, telling me how hot other guys are… Asking me to pay you gas money?! Buy your own gas you bug-eyed mooch! It's your car and it costs more than my house! Oh, and now you're going around trying to sleep with my friends?! Hey good, that really makes you an empowered individual - No wait, did I say empowered individual? I meant two-cent gutter slut! Listen you tanning-bed-baked, broke-ass, goat-faced, oompa-loompa monkey problem, I am proud to shop at Target, I'll wear warm-up pants any day of the week! Yes, your ass did look fat in those jeans, your mom's a MILF, and I plan to get on your little sister just as soon as I give her a call back!" Ace angrily ranted to Garp. Somewhere in the convention hall, Ludo fans cheered.

"Yeah, baby! Ludo Bagman's my homeboy!" Yasopp yelled as he fired his guns in the air. Smoker put Yasopp in handcuffs.

"Do you have permission to use those guns?" Smoker asked Yasopp.

"No, but I'm an Ed Sheeran fangirl," Yasopp answered. Smoker began to cry manly tears.

"Let me touch your guns!" Smoker yelled. Garp and Sengoku sweatdropped.

"Jegus…" Sengoku commented. Heathcliffe walked by. He was eating a Heath Bar and dressed up as Heath Ledger's most brooding, dark character that isn't the Joker.

"Woah… Heathception, man!" Garp commented as he rummaged around in his fanny pack to find an MP3 of the song _Black Friday Rule_.

"What am I even doing here?" Heathcliffe wondered out loud. Garp looked to Sengoku.

"Ready to go?" Sengoku asked Garp.

"Sure. Let me drop hundreds of dollars on pony merchandise first," Garp explained. Sengoku facepalmed.

"You're getting a pay cut," Sengoku told Garp.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see not-nice things such as Luffy and Ace getting their own camping show, Zoro on Toddlers and Tiaras, or if you want to see the Capricorns re-enact the events of the book <em>The Outsiders<em>.**


	57. Chopper Goes on a Cruise

**Author's Note**: I wanted to do a chapter about the Bermuda Triangle. And, who seemed like the perfect main character for this oneshot? Chopper.

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day in Miami, as Chopper, Yulia, and Daisuke boarded a cruise ship.<p>

"Yay! We're gonna be on a boat!" Daisuke cheered, since he had sugary cereal for breakfast.

"Why am I with you guys? Where's Luffy?" Chopper innocently asked Yulia.

"Because YOU'RE the one who wanted to go to Russia with us to see my family!" Yulia shouted to the innocent reindeer.

"You're Russian?" Chopper asked Yulia.

"Yeah! I'm 75% Russian!" Yulia cried as the three boarded the boat. One safety presentation later, the boat was moving.

"I'm on a boat!" Daisuke yelled.

"Do NOT sing that song, or I will cut you!" Yulia warned Daisuke.

"Why is everybody shouting?" Chopper asked the first person that wasn't Yulia or Daisuke. That person happened to be Mavis from Fairy Tail.

"Because I'm so moé-moé," Mavis boasted before she walked away. Chopper facepalmed.

"I'm surrounded by crazy motherfuckers!" Chopper cried. "I want my mommy!"

"You have a mommy?" Daisuke asked Chopper.

"Yeah. If not, then I would just be a figment of your imagination and you would be schizophrenic," Chopper explained in a cutesy manner. Daisuke grew pale.

"The Lord is testing me," Enlai dubbed over Daisuke's lip movements.

"_Attention, all passengers, we are now sailing through the Bermuda Triangle. Have fun, and don't disappear! Oh, and there's an ice cream social going on in the buffet right now_!"

Yulia and Daisuke then disappeared.

"Oh, no! Yulia and Daisuke disappeared and I'm not at Aperture Science! I've gotta go find them! But, first, I've gotta go finish torrenting K-On, A Certain Scientific Railgun, To Aru Majutsu no Index, and Rinne no Lagarange!" Chopper cried. Mavis walked by.

"_Chopper, oh, Chopper. Why do you watch such shitty animes? Go watch some Sgt. Frog, Jyu-Oh-Sei, Night Raid 1931, and Sket Dance_," Mavis thought to herself with a smile on her face. Chopper then got the grand idea to look for Yulia and Daisuke in the casino.

"Yulia? Daisuke? Anybody?" Chopper called out. Smoker walked up to Chopper and picked him.

"_I love little girls they make me feel so good. I love little girls they make me feel so bad. When they're around_ –" Smoker sang before a siren went off.

"No, Smoker, that's bad!" A bunch of little kids shouted off-screen. Smoker glared at Chopper.

"No kids are allowed in here. Time to go home, little man," Smoker told Chopper, who transformed into his Jumping Point form and kicked Smoker in the balls.

"Pig's feet!" Smoker swore as Chopper ran off. With one hand on his manhood, Smoker used the other hand to get his walkie-talkie. "Security! There's a wild deer on the loose!"

"_It's the Bermuda Triangle. What did you expect_?" Tashigi asked from the other line. Smoker threw his walkie-talkie to the ground and stomped on it.

"You! Go get me a training bra!" Smoker yelled as he pointed to his walkie-talkie. With Chopper, he was at the ice cream social.

"Yummy! Ice cream!" Chopper cheered as he made himself a huge sundae. Then, a picture of Holden making out with Aradia Megido from Homestuck was shoved into Chopper's face. "Fnjghdfidsagfydf! Grasshoppers!"

Chopper tore up the picture. Then, he remembered that he was making a sundae.

"Yay! I got ice cream! I hope Smoker's pants don't eat these!" Chopper cheered before he dug in. Thirty minutes later, Chopper finished the sundae. "My tummy hurts…"

Apoo walked up to Chopper and hit him on his forehead with the palm of his hand.

"Could've had a V8," Apoo told Chopper as he gave Chopper some V8 vegetable juice. Chopper threw the juice in Apoo's face.

"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch! I want some Baja Fresh!" Chopper yelled before he stormed off. As he walked down the hall, Chopper realized that he felt lonely, because lots of people disappeared when the ship entered the Bermuda Triangle. Because of this, Chopper began to cry.

"Who did Sanji cry for that one time we went to IKEA? Oh, yeah," Chopper said before he began to cry for real. "I need an adult! Mommy! Daddy! Enrique Iglesias!"

Chopper continued to cry as he entered the lobby. There, he sat down on the couch and curled up into a little ball of fur.

_Soft Chopper, warm Chopper_  
><em>Little bar of fur<em>  
><em>Happy Chopper, sleepy Chopper<em>  
><em>You are next<em>

Chopper got out of his fetal position and screamed.

"No! I don't wanna go to the Capitol to fight in the Hunger Games! I don't want to be GLaDOs's next test subject! I don't want sober!Gamzee to kill me! I DON'T WANT TO PROCRASTINATE ON AN 800-WORD ESSAY ON WHAT NOT TO DO AT A STOPLIGHT!" Chopper screamed as he closed his eyes. When he opened his eyes, the Capricorns were in the lobby and music was playing from somewhere.

"_Throw on your brake lights_  
><em>We're in the city of wonder<em>  
><em>Ain't gonna play nice<em>  
><em>Watch out, you might just go under<em>  
><em>Better think twice<em>  
><em>Your train of thought will be altered<em>  
><em>So if you must falter be wise<em>," The Capricorns sang.

"_Disturbia_  
><em>Am I scaring you tonight<em>  
><em>Disturbia<em>  
><em>Ain't used to what you like<em>  
><em>Disturbia<em>  
><em>Disturbia<em>," Yuki-Rin sang.

"_Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum_  
><em>Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum<em>  
><em>Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum<em>  
><em>Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum<em>," The Capricorns sang. Chopper sweatdropped.

"How did you..." Chopper asked the Capricorns.

"That was a flash mob. We coordinated a mass disappearance of 95% of the people on the ship right when we sailed into the Bermuda Triangle," Wolfgang explained.

"Flash mob?! What the Flogging Molly?!" Chopper cried.

"Hey, it's the Bermuda Triangle. The authoress wanted a chapter about the Bermuda Triangle," Soren explained.

"But, Yulia and Daisuke went 'poof', and –" Chopper explained before Yulia cut him off.

"Those were CGI effects. Heathcliffe actually was under the bed when we disappeared. He just pulled us under the bed when we went 'poof', and we left the room shortly after you left the room," Yulia explained.

"Hi," Heathcliffe greeted Chopper. He was covered in dust bunnies.

"So, now what?" Kartik asked everyone.

"Let's get ice cream!" Chopper suggested. A few minutes later, the Capricorns and Chopper were at the ice cream social.

"Hey, guys, where did the rest of the Straw Hats go?" Wolfgang asked his fellow crewmembers, who grew pale.

"Oh, shit..." Yuki-Rin said to herself.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see crazy things like a silly re-telling of <em>The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo<em>, Smoker working at KFC, or if you want to see Luffy produce a musical!**


	58. A Book of Blank Paper  a Parody

**Author's Note**: Yes, a parody of _The Notebook_ is obligatory for a fanfic like this one. XD

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Notebook_.**

* * *

><p>Our parody of the most infamous movie ever, <em>The Notebook<em>, began one day at a carnival in South Carolina. It was 1940, an innocent year that was free of all the things the authoress loves, such as anime, punk rock, Game of Thrones, Hot Topic, Monty Python, and _Inception_.

"I'm so bored," Heathcliffe Sarutobi, a very handsome country boy, whined.

"Be bored somewhere else!" Heathcliffe's equally handsome brothers, Holden and Soren, cried before they stormed off.

"Well, fine!" Heathcliffe cried before he pouted. Then, he noticed a beautiful rich bitch named Aki Chung-Feng. "Hey, can I get your number?"

Aki began crying.

"The authoress called me a rich bitch!" Aki sobbed as she collapsed onto Heathcliffe.

"Shh... Shh... Only face paps now," Heathcliffe whispered re-assuringly to Aki as he held her in his arms. Then, they began making out as sexy jazz music played in the background.

"_We found love in a hopeless place_!" Johnny and Yosaku sang badly as they skipped past. Aki and Heathcliffe sweatdropped.

"Wanna go back to my place? It's got a wrap-around porch and blue shutters, because bitches love those homes," Heathcliffe asked.

"Uhhh..." Aki said. Heathcliffe kissed Aki.

"We're lovers," Heathcliffe reminded Aki. Meanwhile, the authoress was facepalming.

"Why am I doing this? Oh, yeah, because a parody of _The Notebook_ seemed obligatory," The authoress asked herself. Back with Heathcliffe and Aki, they were taking a bubble bath. But, don't worry, they were wearing swimsuits. Also, for some weird reason that the authoress doesn't know, the bathtub they were in was on the front porch.

"Aki... Oh, Aki... Oh, Aki, this feels so good!" Heathcliffe moaned as Aki washed his hair.

"This is worse than the cucumber incident with Chopper and Fake Robin," Zoro commented off-screen.

"Shut up, Marimo!" Sanji yelled off-screen. Then, Heathcliffe began washing Aki's hair.

"Sarutobi-kun..." Aki said like she was high.

"The both of you are still teenagers! Take it easy!" Sanji yelled off-screen.

"What's your deal, Dartboard Brow?" Zoro asked off-screen.

"Why is the authoress making this parody more awkward than it should be?!" Sanji asked Zoro.

"Because you are a [dolphin chirping]," Zoro told Sanji, who grew quite shocked.

"Yeah, well, your mom wears rain galoshes!" Sanji retorted.

"Them's fighting words, buddy!" Zoro yelled.

"Stop _Mystery Science Theater 3000_-ing this chapter! Do you want me to get sued or something?!" The authoress asked Sanji and Zoro.

"No, but end the scene here. I'm tired of looking at the Marimo's socks," Sanji demanded.

"And I'm tired of looking at that over-sexed punk pretty-boy and his Chinese girlfriend!" Zoro added. With a sigh, the authoress ended the scene right here.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Aki was in her mansion eating breakfast, when her mother, Boa Hancock, entered with a bored-looking hipster.<p>

"Aki, we're going back to Charleston, or Atlanta, or whatever city in the South we live in," Hancock explained. Monet approached Hancock.

"You guys are from Halifax in this parody," Monet whispered to Hancock before walking away.

"Who's that guy? I've never seen him or his hipster goatee before," Aki asked Hancock, who pushed Law toward her.

"Meet Trafalgar Law. You're gonna get married to him and forget all about that overtly sexual punk," Hancock explained.

"Boo hoo," Aki said sarcastically. Law sighed.

"Can I go home now? _Moonrise Kingdom_ had a better love story. Plus, _The Notebook_ is too mainstream," Law asked Hancock, who laughed.

"No," Hancock seriously said. Law sighed.

"If I can't go home, can I at least go to Whole Foods?" Law asked.

"What do you need there? We already have food!" Hancock yelled. Law smirked.

"I just want some muffins. Is that too much to ask?" Law asked Hancock, who facepalmed.

"That's it, the song _House of Capricorn_ no longer applies to you!" Hancock yelled. Law smirked.

"Fair enough. That song is too mainstream, since the Capricorns play it too much," Law said smugly. Hancock's jaw dropped.

"Oh, no, he didn't!" A chorus of little kids shouted. The scene then cut to the set of Jerry Springer, where Hancock, Aki, Heathcliffe, Holden, Soren, Law, Bonney, and, for some reason, Doflamingo and Hawkins, sat on chairs.

"Welcome back to 'Help, We're in a Parody of _The Notebook'_. Before we go on, Heathcliffe, is there anything you'd like to say to the people at home?" X. Drake, the host, asked Heathcliffe.

"Yeah, I got to wash Aki's hair during a romantic bath. Suck it, fanboys!" Heathcliffe yelled. The males gasped.

"Sarutobi-kun… I wrote you 365 letters for a year, and this is the thanks I get?!" Aki cried as she got out a battle axe. Heathcliffe began sweating like Equius Zahhak.

"Uhh… Don't worry, Aki, I'll wash your hair again!" Heathcliffe cried.

"Slut!" The crowd yelled as they pointed to Aki.

"That's mean, meanies!" Heathcliffe cried.

"Asshole!" The crowd yelled as they pointed to Heathcliffe. Hawkins facepalmed.

"This isn't _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_! Get it together!" Hawkins cried.

"Why are YOU here?!" Hancock roared.

"Because Aki needed a Sassy, Gay Friend, you stupid bitch!" Hawkins yelled before he pushed Hancock to the ground and pulled her hair. Hancock retaliated by back-handing Hawkins with her stripper pole.

"Why do you have a stripper pole?" X. Drake asked, not losing his calm composure.

"Because I can!" Hancock yelled.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

Then, an all-out catfight started, with Aki pulling Hancock's hair, Doflamingo hitting Hawkins with a chair, the Sarutobi brothers trying to tear each others' clothes off, and Bonney and Law just standing there like they were at a hipster music festival.

"Even a parody of _The Notebook_ is too mainstream," Law commented.

"Ditto…" Bonney commented. "Wanna go do hipster things?"

"Okay!" Law said before he skipped off with Bonney. Somewhere in Ireland, a cute-as-a-button girl named Molly was watching the whole fight. In Chinese, even though Molly doesn't know Chinese.

"Such a beautiful language…" Molly commented. In a trendy apartment somewhere in Los Angeles…

"Thanks for killing the mood, Marimo," Sanji told Zoro.

"Shut up," Zoro said as he put a frosting gun in his mouth.

"Marimo, put the frosting gun away. You're not an emotional eater," Sanji said. But, Zoro's mouth was already filled with frosting. We then cut to the Thousand Sunny, where Robin was closing a book. (1)

"And, so, Heathcliffe and Aki lived happily ever after. Even after all of that mind-scarring stuff," Robin explained to Chopper, Usopp, and Luffy. The two boys and one reindeer sceamed.

"_The Notebook_ sucks! Tell us another story!" Luffy sobbed.

"One involving cute pandas, yummy sweets, and the attack from the Fire Nation," Chopper added.

"And, please, no _Twilight_," Usopp added. Robin smiled as she grabbed a huge-ass book from the bookshelf.

"Who wants to read _A Storm of Swords_?" Robin asked Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp, who screamed.

"No! Not the Red Wedding!" Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper cried.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>I just realized that this scene was perverted. Blame me for being 25% asleep while writing the end of this oneshot.

**Review if you want to see cracky things such as Sanji adopting Molly, Doflamingo and Crocodile dressing up like Japanese schoolgirls, or if you want to see Dr. Kureha go on a blind date with Inazuma.**


	59. Shichibukai Abbey

**Author's Note**: Yeah, I had some writer's block on this fic, because writing two chapters in a row with Law and Bonney as major characters is too mainstream.

Anyway, happy belated birthday to Crocodile, Moria, and Marco! You get a parody of Downton Abbey that has nothing to do with Downton Abbey for your birthdays!

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own anything.**

* * *

><p>Sir Crocodile and Boa Hancock were England's greatest power couple. They had it all – weath, fame, power, and a large mansion to boot. Let's take a look into Shichibukai Abbey, a fine manor of London.<p>

"_Walking with you on a happy sunny day_  
><em>You know me clever more than retriever<em>  
><em>Washing me everyday tidy neat<em>  
><em>You know me a precious dog as a dynamite <em>

_Believe in me _  
><em>If it's rainy again<em>  
><em>Nobody wanna cry<em>  
><em>Nice cow bone you are my lover <em>

_Shall we promise everyday go to walk in the park?_  
><em>Shall we promise everyday go to walk without chain?<em>  
><em>You will forget,<em>  
><em>On cloudy day,<em>  
><em>So lovely and sweet pretty poodle,<em>  
><em>Alone again<em>," Doflamingo sang as he skipped down the hallway.

"Shut up! The police can hear us!" Doflamingo's handmaid, Crocodile, yelled.

"_Dat ass_," Doflamingo thought to himself. "Are we having chorizo for dinner?"

"No! I like salad spinners!" Crocodile yelled. Doflamingo then grabbed Mihawk's hat and threw it to the ground in anger.

"Salad spinners! What the hell can't they do?!" Doflamingo yelled angrily. Hancock exited her room that was solely dedicated to watching The Price is Right.

"What in the name of Terezi Pyrope licking things?!" Hancock yelled. Doflamingo got out a magic marker and began drawing on Hancock's exposed belly.

"One, one, one, one, one, one, dots!" Doflamingo said as he drew on Hancock's belly.

"Just what in the Sam Hill are you doing?!" Hancock cried.

"Be quiet. The plastic surgeron will be here soon," Doflamingo whispered as a half-empty bottle of whiskey fell out of his feathery pimp coat. "Miss Zuipperpips!"

Hancock began to sneeze.

"What the tortise shell bats?!" Hanock wheezed. Her eyes were now red due to allergies.

"I want what you're smoking," Blackbeard said to Hancock as he walked by.

"Zuipperpips!" Hancock swore.

"Yes?" Moria asked as he poked his head out of a random room. Hancock sighed.

"Moria, get back in your cage," Hancock said.

"Okay," Moria said. Instead of having the "okay" face, he had Yao Ming's "Bitch, please" face.

"Do I even get a line in this parody?" Kuma asked as he raised his hand like a good boy.

"Silence!" Hancock yelled like Dumbledore.

"Kneesocks!" Mihawk yelled.

"I want cherries," Daisuke said derpily.

"What are you doing here? You're not my son!" Crocodile asked Daisuke.

"Aki and Heathcliffe are having a hot make-out session," Daisuke explained. "I can show you the photos if you want."

"Aw, hell naw!" Hancock cried.

"Too bad!" Daisuke said as he pulled out a photo of Aki and Heathcliffe lying on a bed. Heathcliffe - who was only wearing black skinny jeans – was looking seductively into the camera and Aki was hugging a longcat plushie.

"Check your privilege! They're still wearing clothes!" Hancock cried as she ripped up the picture. Dozens of Heathcliffe fangirls cried because a photo of Heathcliffe was ripped up.

"My adorable baby!" Aki sobbed. Daisuke sweatdropped.

"The following scenes contain trigger warnings for Jerry Springer fights, eating out at Arby's, and hot men named Heathcliffe Sarutobi," Kankri Vantas from Homestuck explained.

"Shut up!" That guy from Smosh yelled.

"That's wiggedy, wiggedy whack, yo," Foxface from _The Hunger Games_ said.

"What's Foxface doing here?" Doflamingo asked everyone.

"I'd actually like to know why there are so many cameos in this oneshot," Kuma wondered. Whitey Bay then walked out of some room for her first appearance in this fanfic.

"Who are you?" Daisuke asked.

"Knock-knock," Whitey Bay said.

"Who's there?" Daisuke asked.

"Doctor."

"Doctor Who?"

Daisuke then laughed so hard, his face turned purple. The doorbell then rang.

"Yay! Pizza!" Daisuke said before he ran to the front door. But, it wasn't the pizza man at the door. It was Kartik.

"Kartik? You work at Pizza Hut to support Lelouch's rebellion?" Kartik sighed.

"You know what? I'm not even going to ask," Kartik said before he walked away.

"Drive safely!" Daisuke yelled before he followed after the sophisticated shipwright. The Shichibukai exited their mansion.

"He'll sleep tonight," Crocodile commented.

"Hey, isn't it your birthday today?" Doflamingo asked Crocodile.

"Si. That's Spanish for 'yes'," Crocodile answered.

"It's my birthday, too!" Moria cried.

"Mine, too!" Marco added.

"Why are YOU here?! Nobody cares about your appearance on Top Chef!" Crocodile yelled to the phoenix boy.

"I like BBC Sherlock, okay?" Marco said.

"We all do," Hana said as she looked at some Sherlock x John yaoi on her phone. Hana then passed out due to blood loss because of the content of some of the yaoi. Marco sighed.

"So, now what?" Marco asked the Shichibukai. Yuki-Rin walked past. She was on her phone.

"Yeah, so Aki wanted the both of us to go shopping and watch _Breakfast at Tiffany's_, so I told her, 'Screw you. I'm gonna go into town and read_ Divergent_ out loud in hopes that people will listen to me'," Yuki-Rin said into her phone. "Why? Because Shamwow – You'll say 'wow' everytime."

"Yuki-Rin, I'm right here," Aki said after she randomly appeared from the green room. "What green room?"

Yuki-Rin lowered her cell phone from her ear.

"Uhh... Well, shit," Yuki-Rin said. Aki grabbed her hand.

"Come on! Let's go have breakfast at Tiffany's!" Aki said to Yuki-Rin.

"Oh, fuck no! You'd better let go of me, or else I will literally drag you by your beloved hair to a Homestuck meetup!" Yuki-Rin threatened. The Shichibukai sweatdropped.

"Well, then, who wants to get Korean BBQ?" Doflamingo suggested.

"Is this one-shot over yet?" Kuma asked everyone.

"Hell no, it ain't!" Hancock yelled.

"But, it's going by so slow!" Kuma cried.

"Go read My Life is Average or something before daddy stops the car," Doflamingo told Kuma.

"We're not in a car. We're standing on the ground," Hancock pointed out. Meanwhile, Zoro got lost.

"The fuck?! I'm not even supposed to be in this oneshot!" Zoro cried. Back with the Shichibukai, they were eating a special birthday dinner for Moria and Crocodile at Burger King.

"This is a socially acceptable birthday dinner?" Mihawk asked everyone as he inspected his Whopper. Crocodile then shovved Mihawk's Whopper into his mouth.

"Have it your way, bitch," Crocodile said before he got up and left. The Shichibukai grew silent.

"He left behind his Pokémon coloring book," Moria said as he picked up a Pokémon coloring book. "Dibs on Kyogre!"

"Dibs on Unfezant!" Doflamingo said before the Shichibukai grabbed some crayons and got to work on coloring their pretty pictures of Pokémon.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see Doflamingo design clothes for little girls, Ace write poetry about his pet llama, or if you want to see Zoro and Chopper meet the Eleventh Doctor.<strong>


	60. It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

**Author's Note**: This chapter came about for two reasons - One, I was reading the sample for the hit book _Matched_, and, to tell the truth, I didn't like the protagonist, because she seemed very superficial and shallow. And, two, recent chapters of the One Piece manga have comfirmed all of our suspicions -

Doflamingo is now a pimp in canon.

Yeah, let that fact settle in as I parody a book with a protagonist I didn't like.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _Matched_.**

* * *

><p>It was a starry night in some city, as Aki Chung-Feng attended her Matching ceremony to find out who she will marry.<p>

"Aki Chung Feng… You will marry Heathcliffe Sarutobi!" Van Der Decken announced with no emotion in his voice. "_Okay, why is she not Clary Fray, Arya Stark, or Tris Pryor_?"

Aki ran her fingers through Heathcliffe's hair.

"I'm so glad we're Matched, Sarutobi-kun," Aki said before she and Heathcliffe began making out sloppily a la Homestuck.

"Welcome, everybody, to the House of Capricorn!" Doflamingo shouted as he busted through the doors. Everyone sweatdropped.

"You two, get a room," Luffy said as he pointed to Aki and Heathcliffe. Luffy pointed to Doflamingo. "And, you, go take a bath! How can they call it a duck pond if there are no ducks?!"

"Scalene triangle. That's why," Heathcliffe said before he resumed making-out with Aki.

"Oh, fuck me, scalene triangle!" Doflamingo moaned. Everyone in the banquet hall sweatdropped.

"Anyway… Donquixote Doflamingo, you will marry… Sir Crocodile? Paulie? Mihawk?! Wolfgang Katsuragi?! And… Trafalgar Law?! Oh, for the love of my ex-wife's muffin top!" Van Der Decken cried. Everyone grew silent.

"So, who's excited for that new anime that's about schoolgirls riding tanks?" Gareth asked everyone. Doflamingo grabbed Gareth by his coat.

"You're coming with me to file my taxes!" Doflamingo yelled. Enlai – who was dressed as a cop – entered the banquet hall.

"I have an arrest warrant for Donquixote Doflamingo!" Enlai announced. Doflamingo then picked up Enlai bridal-style.

"Let's go get chicken nuggets!" Doflamingo yelled before he left with Crocodile, Mihawk, Paulie, Wolfgang, Enlai, Gareth, and Law. Everyone grew silent.

"I'm so proud of you, son. I'm taking you to Hooters," Franky told Luffy with manly tears in his eyes.

"Sugoi! Trophy wives!" Luffy yelled excitedly. Everyone stared at Luffy, concerned for his taste in women.

"Take me with you!" Sanji sobbed after a long moment of silence for Luffy's saner tastes in women. With Doflamingo and his harem, they decided to take the monorail to go back to respective homes and talk about their feelings at a later time. By that, we mean "they went to Carrow's to eat stuff".

"I was expecting Boardwalk Empire spoilers," Enlai said as he stared at his onion rings with disdain.

"Spoiler alert, they all die at some point in their lives," Wolfgang said. Enlai scowled.

"Spoiler alert, Bill Gates, Steve Wozniack, and Mark Zuckerburg will all die eventually," Enlai retorted. Wolfgang grew pale.

"You suck," Wolfgang said as he pushed away his pancakes. "Who wants free pancakes?"

A bunch of people ran up to the table. Doflamingo picked up Kaku.

"What are you doing, Doflamingo?" Mihawk asked Doflamingo.

"Adding more people to my harem," Doflamingo explained.

"Our society in this _Matched_ AU oneshot doesn't allow that," Mihawk explained. Doflamingo gave him the middle finger – The middle finger sandwich on his plate, that is.

"Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it," Doflamingo told Mihawk, who studied his sandwich.

"I can't smoke a sandwich! What the hell is wrong with you, Doflamingo?!" Mihawk cried.

"Nothing's wrong," Doflamingo said before he turned to Monet and Hana. "Hey, want some candy?"

Monet pimp-slapped Doflamingo.

"Pedophile!" Monet shrieked as she pointed to Doflamingo. Doflamingo shrugged.

"Haters gonna hate indeed," Doflamingo said to himself.

* * *

><p>A week later, Doflamingo's harem now included Crocodile, Mihawk, Paulie, Wolfgang, Enlai, Gareth, Law, Monet, Hana, Dadan, Conis, and Chopper.<p>

"Yoink! You're joining my harem!" Doflamingo said as he picked up the wedding cake that was being used in Aki and Heathcliffe's wedding ceremony.

"Are you fucking blind?! That's a cake!" Dadan pointed out.

"Hey! That's our cake!" Heathcliffe cried as Doflamingo began walking away with the cake.

"Your cake is a lie!" Doflamingo retorted before he carried the cake back to the mansion he shared with his harem.

"So, now what?" Wolfgang asked everyone.

"We eat the cake," Crocodile answered.

"I thought the cake was a lie," Enlai said blankly.

"You sit on a throne of lies, young man," Wolfgang said. Doflamingo sighed.

"Well, if you need me – or if you want to play that bacon-themed board game – I'm gonna be at 7-11. Why? Because Jesus Ponies, that's why," Doflamingo said to his harem.

"Can we buy a Golden-Black Labradoodle Retriever Chihuahua?" Gareth asked a little too innocently.

"No! Why won't you play with that How I Met Your Mother DVD boxset I got you?" Wolfgang asked Gareth.

"It's in Swedish! I don't know Swedish, aside from 'The Swedish Chef', 'IKEA', 'Berwald Oxenstierna', 'Regular, Ordinary, Swedish Meal Time', _'The Girl With the Dragon_ Tattoo', and all of ABBA's songs!" Gareth cried. Wolfgang facepalmed.

"Those aren't even Swedish words!" Wolfgang pointed out.

"It's not my fault that you are going to love Fluttershy!" Gareth argued.

"I don't love Fluttershy! Doctor Whooves is best pony!" Wolfgang argued. Several police officers pulled up to the mansion. "What in the name of Twilight Sparkle?!"

"Donquixote Doflamingo, we have an arrest warrant for you! Please come out with your hands up, or we will burn your feathery pimp coat!"

Doflamingo facepalmed.

"Is this because Derpy is best pony?" Doflamingo said derpily.

"You're drunk," Wolfgang told Doflamingo.

"You're sexy," Doflamingo slurred to Wolfgang.

"And you people annoy me. Especially Shitty Katsuragi," Enlai said before he left the mansion. "Doflamingo's inside, just saying!"

Smoker, Tashigi, and Hina entered the house.

"Donquixote Doflamingo, you're under arrest for not falling in love with the person you were Matched with at your Matching ceremony," Hina explained. "Wait… Is this even my first line in this entire fanfic?! After fifty some-odd chapters?! You computer laptops make me sick."

"Does he not know that you were Matched with several people?" Law whispered to Doflamingo.

"Hina's a girl," Doflamingo bluntly told Law, who took his hat off out of anger.

"I just took my hat off. You wouldn't like me without my hat off, unless you were a girl like Hina," Law threatened all of the males in the room. "But, then again, sex appeal is too mainsteam. I'm just a hipster with a hipster animal hat."

"Fun…" Monet commented. Everyone grew silent.

"I'm gonna go. There's a Doctor Who convention going on nearby, and I need to go get my Eleventh Doctor costume," Hana said before she left the mansion.

"I'm gonna go, too. There's a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic convention going on nearby, and I need to go –" Doflamingo explained before Smoker cut him off.

"You're not Garp. Going to Brony conventions is a legit excuse for him to get out of arrests. Now, you're coming with me," Smoker explained. Doflamingo hit Smoker in the head with a spatula.

"You'll never take me alive, woman!" Doflamingo yelled before he ran off, starting a police chase. On a hill above wherever the hell this parody took place, Aki and Heathcliffe sat watching everything.

"Those people who don't marry the people they get Matched with are really shallow and superficial," Aki commented. An image of Sengoku holding a sign that said "Look who's talking, sista" briefly flashed on screen.

"Whatever. At least we got married," Heathcliffe remarked before he and Aki began laughing like Bevis and Butthead.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see fun things such as Zoro becoming a summer camp counselor, Marco re-inventing himself into a teenaged girl named Brittany, or if you want to see Chopper throw things out of a window.<strong>


	61. Obligatory Capricorn Vacation

**Author's Note**: This chapter only came out late for one reason - The Capricorns went on vacation. You get to read about their vacation this chapter.

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorns.**

* * *

><p>The Capricorn Pirates were some of the most famous actors in Hollywood. Heck, they were so famous, they had a reality show where they lived together in a sterotypically fancy mansion in Beverly Hills. The show was called <em>House of Capricorn<em>, which was named after the Capricorn Pirates' unofficial theme song. It was way more popular than Keeping up With the Naruto-Dashians or even Fairy Tail Guild Shore.

But, one day, the Capricorns gathered in the dining room for an emergency meeting.

"We're going on vacation!" Yuki-Rin announced. Everyone cheered. "But, we don't know where we're going."

The Capricorns grew silent.

"Well, now's the time to find out!" Hana said. "And, no, Kazuma, we're not going to Japan."

Kazuma pouted.

"Let's go to Vegas so Kartik and I can get married!" Karin suggested.

"No, we are not!" Kartik cried.

"Let's go to San Fransisco. Lots of things are there – The Apple headquarters, the Google headquarters, Chinatown, Steve Job's grave –" Wolfgang suggested before Enlai cut him off.

"You just want to go for all of the technology stuff!" Enlai aruged.

"Maybe we should all go to the Hamptons like we do every summer," Kartik suggested.

"No. Last time we went to the Hamptons, I started that all-out street fight, Karin got arrested for battery, and Enlai somehow got the deed to a 7-11," Gareth explained.

"You started that fight? I thought my brothers started that fight after Kartik told them that they couldn't go to that Asking Alexandria concert," Soren asked Gareth.

"Anyway, the point is that those trust fund kids in the Hamptons hate me now. They even wear T-shirts that say "I hate you, Gareth Archer"," Gareth explained.

"Wow… What did you do?" Maki-chan asked Gareth.

"Well, who's read the book _The Communist Manifesto_? Long story short, trust fund kids don't like Communists OR Socialists," Gareth explained. "But, I'm not either of those so… Yeah… I'll just stick with my Minecraft videos."

The Capricorns grew silent.

"Anyone want to go to Reno?" Yuki-Rin suggested.

"Yeah, that sounds nice/At least we won't spend a bunch of money like in Las Vegas/There are casinos in Reno, right?" The Capricorns said all at once.

"Well, let's go!" Yuki-Rin said. One flight and one long check-in later, the Capricorns were checked into their hotel room in Reno, which was a sucky room.

"This room sucks!" Hana cried.

"Why is my coat already dirty?! I just sat on the floor, Goddamnit!" Gareth cried.

"Where's room service with my booze?!" Thierry cried.

"Where's HBO?! I want to watch Game of Thrones!" Showtarou cried.

"I can't wash my hair with this low water pressure!" Aki yelled from the shower.

"There's not enough shampoo!" Heathcliffe yelled from the other shower.

"Why do we have two showers?" Matsu asked, but she was ignored.

"The wi-fi freaking sucks here!" Wolfgang cried as he waved his Macbook in the air.

"Rats chewed through the plug for the microwave! Now how am I going to heat up these leftovers from Panda Express that I just got now?!" Enlai cried.

"I can't - *cough* - breathe in this room! It - *wheeze* - smells too much like gummy bears!" Mikuri wheezed before he passed out.

"Oh, no!" Kazuma yelled before he ran over to Mikuri. "Sempai, notice me!"

Mikuri slowly re-gained consciousness.

"If you're Blaise… Please GTFO…" Mikuri weakly said before he passed out again. Yuki-Rin got so angry, she threw a decorative cactus out of the window.

"I want my money back!" Yuki-Rin yelled. "Guys, we should just walk out and go to the nicer hotel across the way!"

"Aye! That's Irish for 'feck yeah! We're all listenin' to me half-sister'!" Molly yelled in agreement.

"Language," Doflamingo warned from the room next door. Everyone sweatdropped.

"He can hear us?!" Some of the Capricorns (more specifically, Enlai, Daisuke, Karin, Thierry, Hana, and Sadie) cried. Aki and Heathcliffe then entered the room, only wearing towels. Heathcliffe still had shampoo in his hair.

"We're leaving. Somehow, I ended up setting the shower on fire," Heathcliffe explained. One hour of moving luggage, Heathcliffe finishing his shower in another room, Karin yelling at everyone, and several near-lawsuits later, the Capricorns were walking to the bitchin' resort and casino down the street.

"Finally! We're here!" Yuki-Rin said as they approached the entrance of the hotel.

"Where did Mikuri go?" Kartik asked everyone. The backpack on Kazuma's back began moving. Blaise poked the bag.

"Blaise, I know that's you!" Said the backpack, who sounded like Tyki Mikk from D. Gray-man. (1)

"Is that my husband?" Sayuki asked Kazuma.

"Yeah! And I'm not giving him back until you give me a sweet roll!" Kazuma argued. Sayuki got out a handgun.

"You'd better hand over my husband right now," Sayuki said darkly. Kazuma rolled his eyes and gave his backpack to Sayuki. Mikuri crawled out of the backpack a few moments later.

"Are we at Hooters yet?" Mikuri asked Sayuki, who slapped him with a fish.

"Do you want a divorce yet?" Sayuki asked Mikuri, who scoffed like a teenaged girl.

"Like that'll happen!" Mikuri said like a valley girl. Garp exited the hotel.

"Welcome, everyone, to my hotel!" Garp yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"Don't tell me we're staying THERE!" Kazuma cried. Molly tugged on Kazuma's sleeve and pointed to a sign on the building that said "Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village". Everyone shuddered.

"What's so bad about that place?! It's just a hotel!" Kazuma cried.

"Well, there's nowhere else to stay in town," Garp said. All of the Capricorns glared at Garp.

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic convention?" The Capricorns asked. Garp laughed evilly.

"How did you know?" Garp asked everyone. "Now, come on! We're missing that fan movie Whitebeard made starring Rainbow Dash and Pedobear."

With a sigh, the Capricorns entered the hotel. One week later, the Capricorns were about to leave Reno. All of them wore either My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic clothing or leiderhosen and dirndls.

"No more ponies, please!" Kazuma sighed. "My manhood hates ponies!"

"But Derpy is best pony!" Holden cried.

"No, Rainbow Dash is 20% cooler than ALL of the ponies. Therefore, my Rainbow Dash T-shirt is 20% than Shitty Katsuragi's clothing," Enlai explained as he pointed to Wolfgang, who was one of the Capricorns who wore traditional German clothing.

"Oh, be quiet," Wolfgang told Enlai. Yuki-Rin turned to Molly.

"Next year, we're going to Vegas," Yuki-Rin told Molly.

"Why don't we just go now?" Molly asked Yuki-Rin.

"Why?" Yuki-Rin asked her Irish half-sister.

"Just don't ask too many bloody questions," Molly said. One week later, the Capricorns returned to Los Angeles after a trip to remember in Vegas that included lots of urban exploration, Wolfgang throwing a temper tantrum on the floor of the Venetian because he gambled away all his money, and Enlai almost got married to a Rainbow Dash cosplayer who was 20% cooler than him.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>My headcanon voice actor for Mikuri is Brad Hawkins, who did Tyki Mikk's voice in D. Gray-man.

**Review if you want to see the story behind Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village *shudder*, Franky and Brook teach the babies of One Piece the alphabet, or if you want to see Sengoku as a marriage counselor.**


	62. The Cracky Nightmare Before Halloween

**Author's Note**: Happy early Halloween, everyone! I'm actually really excited for this Halloween, since...

It's my first Homestuck cosplay! I'm going to be Roxy Lalonde for Halloween! (Actually, I was supposed to be the Eleventh Doctor, but I couldn't find a tweed coat in time. So, this Roxy cosplay is at the last minute.)

Anyway, enjoy the chapter, which has a fair amount of characters from the Fishman Island Arc in it for some reason.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _The Nightmare Before Christmas_, or anything else but my OCs.**

* * *

><p>It was the night of October 30th, and Donquixote Doflamingo was doing whiskey shots. Predictably, he was drunk off of his rocker.<p>

"Whipped cream pouring like waterfalls!" Doflamingo slurred. He stumbled over to his calendar, and noticed that the next day was Halloween. "Halloween? What's that? Can I drink it?"

"_Do it, Donquixote! Steal Halloween so we can have Christmas early! A plan like that is totes legit_!" Mihawk's voice screamed in Doflamingo's head.

"_No, Doflamingo! I warned you about the stairs! I told you, bro_!" Hancock's voice yelled in Doflamingo's head. The pimp Shichibukai smirked.

"_Kidnap the Sandy Claw_ –" Doflamingo sang before he realized that he couldn't use that song for reasons. "Oh, wait. It's not Christmas. Whatevs! I'm stealing Halloween!"

* * *

><p>"I got a rock. All because I'm cosplaying as a certain Hunger Games Tribute from District 12. What the hell?! Is it socially acceptable to sue somebody who gives me a rock instead of Halloween candy?"<p>

The next night, Yuki-Rin, Molly, Heathcliffe, Kazuma, and Hana were trick-or-treating. Yuki-Rin was cosplaying as Eridan Ampora from Homestuck, Molly was dressed as an Irish sheep farmer, Heathcliffe was dressed as Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance (in his Welcome to the Black Parade outfit), Kazuma was cosplaying as Toshiie Maeda from Sengoku Basara, and Hana was cosplaying as Katniss Everdeen from _The Hunger Games_ (in her arena outfit).

"Go ahead. It's clearly emotional abuse, so go ahead and sue that guy," Yuki-Rin explained.

"Well… You do have a point," Hana said.

"Remember the time Whitebeard sued us because we gave him a Nintendo 64? Yeah, it's like that," Kazuma explained. "Now, let's go to the sushi bar. I heard they give out sushi platters to each person in costume."

"Awesome! It sounds better than groosling!" Hana said. A few minutes later, the five arrived at the sushi bar.

"Trick-or-treat!"

"May the odds be ever in your favor!"

"Feferi, be my matespirit!"

Monet blinked at the five teenagers in costume.

"Why did I get stuck doing this?" Monet wondered out loud.

"Because I'm stealing Christmas, motherfuckers!" Doflamingo yelled as he ran into the restaurant. Everyone sweatdropped.

"It's Halloween," Heathcliffe pointed out.

"Well, excuse me, PRINCESS!" Doflamingo yelled. Heathcliffe sweatdropped.

"Also, I'm a guy. Just thought you should know that," Heathcliffe added. Doflamingo put his arm around Monet.

"Hey… How would you like to be the Sally to my Jack?" Doflamingo asked Monet, who bitch-slapped him.

"In your dreams! I'm spending tonight working on sudoku puzles, eating rice and curry, watching pirated episodes of the Taiwanese version of Friends, and making people uncomfortable about their choices on what they will be doing for the holidays," Monet explained. Doflamingo turned to the five Capricorns.

"You guys are going to be Lock, Stock, and Barrel," Doflamingo explained.

"We can't. We're Eridan Ampora, a nameless, Irish farmer, Gerard Way, Toshiie Maeda, and Katniss Everdeen," Yuki-Rin explained. Doflamingo stroked his invisible Seneca Crane beard.

"A pox! How delightful, a pox!" Doflamingo exclaimed. Yuki-Rin, Molly, Heathcliffe, Kazuma, Hana, and Monet sweatdropped. "Uhh… I mean, who's the blonde geek on your crew?"

Over on the Hyperion, the phone rang. Wolfgang – who was Mark Zuckerburg for Halloween – answered the phone.

"No. Just because I'm Mark Zuckerburg for Halloween does not mean you can buy Facebook stock from – Oh, hello," Wolfgang asked.

"Listen, I'm really drunk and I want to steal Halloween like in _The Nightmare Before Christmas_. Can you give me a DVD boxset of season one of Hoarders, some Jagermeister, an SAT review book, hair trimmings from somebody you really despise, five boxes of panty shields, five kegs of beer, some bath salts, a unicycle, a pony, whipped cream, three bottles of body butter, a Gamzee Makara cosplayer, some illegal fireworks, the Cat in the Hat, scalped tickets to a Flogging Molly concert, some used panties, a taser, and a shotgun?"

Wolfgang stared at his phone.

"What the hell are you planning tonight? How drunk are you?" Wolfgang asked before he hung up. Back with Doflamingo, Yuki-Rin, Molly, Heathcliffe, Kazuma, Hana, and Monet, they were wandering the streets.

"Waah! That stupid nerd didn't give me a pony!" Doflamingo cried as he stomped his feet.

"Mommy, why does that crazy man have less dignity than me?" Koala asked Fisher Tiger as she pointed to Doflamingo. Fisher Tiger covered Koala's eyes.

"Don't look at him! He's drunk!" Fisher Tiger explained as he led Koala away. Kazuma turned his nakama.

"I honestly thought he'd be throwing that tantrum over not getting his Jagermeister. Pay up, Heathcliffe," Kazuma said. Heathcliffe groaned.

"No, Kazuma! I fucking love gummy body parts, and I only get those on Halloween!" Heathcliffe yelled.

"They seriously make gummy body parts?!" Kazuma cried.

"Yep. It's a legit candy," Hana pointed out. Kazuma sighed.

"Doflamingo, can we go back to our ship? My brother Holden is Mikey Way for Halloween, and I don't want him to feel lonely," Heathcliffe asked Doflamingo, who glared at him.

"No. We're going to the Oogie Boogie – Err… I mean, the Booty Booty Rockin' Everywhere Man – No, wait, it's Oogie Boogie man," Doflamingo explained. Hana slapped her forehead.

"Make up your mind!" Hana yelled as they entered a mansion, where a Halloween party was going on.

"Name?" King Neptune asked Doflamingo.

"Sexy. Like the Tardis," Doflamingo said before he punched King Neptune in the face.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" King Neptune yelled. Doflamingo punched King Neptune in the face again.

"Haters gonna hate," Doflamingo said before he skipped toward Shirahoshi's bedroom. Everyone grew silent.

"I should get some form of compensation for doing this," Monet muttered. Zoro then walked up to Heathcliffe and poked his eyes.

"Ow! Mommy!" Heathcliffe sobbed. "Oh, wait, I hate my mom. She kicked me out of the house."

"Oi! You're not that waitress at Shakey's that I gave my number to! My apologies!" Zoro said frantically before he ran off. The Capricorns sweatdropped.

"Roronoa Zoro is going to sleep tonight…" Heathcliffe commented. Shirahoshi then floated out of her room screaming.

"Princess Shirahoshi, what's wrong?! Is Thierry trapped in the well?!" Hana asked the mermaid princess.

"Well, obviously, we have a rapist in Lincoln Park. He's climbin' in your windows, he's snatchin' your people up. Try'na rape 'em, so ya'll need to hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, and hide yo' husband 'cause they rapin' everybody out there!" Shirahoshi explained. The Capricorns sweatdropped, again.

"What did Doflamingo do to you?" Yuki-Rin asked after a long moment of silence. Doflamingo then walked into the room, carrying Shirahoshi's bag of candy.

"I stole Halloween. Now what?" Doflamingo asked everyone.

"Yuki-Rin! Molly! Heathcliffe! Kazuma! Hana! I've come to save Halloween! Even my fan-casted voice actor, Crispin Freeman, said so!" (1)

Wolfgang ran up to Doflamingo, waving his pirate sword and his gun. Everyone sweatdropped before they turned to the camera.

"Well, Happy Halloween, everyone. **The DysFUNctional Pirates** will go on hiatus on November 29, 2012, in order for the authoress to update **The DysFUNctional Christmas** in honor of the upcoming holidays. **The DysFUNctional Pirates** will resume its usual schedule around New Year's Eve or so," Yuki-Rin explained to the readers. (2)

"Donquixote Doflamingo, this is the police! Come out with your hands up!"

Doflamingo turned to Monet and kissed her.

"Later, bitches!" Doflamingo said before he ran away.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>My headcanon voice actor for Wolfgang is Crispin Freeman. Ironically, my headcanon VA for Enlai is Johnny Young Bosch. Shizuo and Izaya much, Wolfgang and Enlai?

**(2) **- Yeah, **The DysFUNctional Pirates** is going on its annual holiday hiatus in a month so I can work on **The DysFUNctional Christmas**. Hopefully, I can have twenty-five chapters for **The DysFUNctional Christmas** this year.

**Anyway, review if you want to see crack-filled chapters for Thanksgiving, Zoro and Enlai's birthdays, or even for what happens when _The DysFUNctional Pirates_ goes on hiatus.**


	63. The Mole

**Author's Note**: In this chapter, the Capricorns play in a game show, but somebody wrecks their chances of winning, or something like that.

**Disclaimer: Again, I only own the Capricorn Pirates.**

* * *

><p>It all started one fine afternoon when over thirty people arrived at a mansion outside of New York City. These were the Capricorn Pirates, and they were going to play on the hit reality show The Mole.<p>

"Yeah! We're in Miami, bitches!" Karin slurred. The other Capricorns sweatdropped.

"Hey, Karin, give me my wine back! I need to get my drink on!" Thierry shouted. Karin pulled a bottle of wine from her clevage and gave it to Thierry.

"Of course, you pulled the wine bottle from THERE," Kartik muttered under his breath as he averted his eyes.

"_Oh, I wish I were a Gallifreyan Time Lord! That is what I'd truly like to be! 'Cause if I were a Gallifreyan Time Lord, everyone would be in love with me_!" Hana and Yuki-Rin sang. Wolfgang then ripped a street sign out of the ground a la Shizuo Heiwajima. (1)

"David Tennant is best Doctor!" Wolfgang yelled. Then, Mihawk exited the mansion.

"Welcome, everyone, to… The Mole! One of you is a Mole who will wreck people's shit. He or she won't reveal themselves until the season finale," Mihawk explained. Then, the Supernovas came out of the mansion while doing the _Gangnam Style_ dance.

"_Hey, sexy lady_!" The Supernovas sang as they danced off into the horizon. The Capricorns sweatdropped.

"Just go before somebody gets scarred for life," Mihawk demanded.

"Fetchez la vache!" Johnny and Yosaku yelled from a nearby rooftop. A cow then landed in the space between Mihawk and the Capricorns.

"That cow… He's the Mole!" Enlai shouted. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Go to your room," Wolfgang told Enlai.

* * *

><p><strong>The First Challenge<strong>

"Sebastian!" The Capricorns yelled angrily.

"What?! It's not my fault I had to read from _Twilight_ of all books! Blame Gareth!" Sebastian cried.

"Blame Rubio," Gareth said.

"Blame Mihawk," Rubio said.

"_No_! _Blame Canada_!" Mihawk sang.

"_Blame Canada_!" The Capricorns sang.

"_It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along_," Sayuki sang. "_Blame Canada_!"

"_Blame Canada_!" The Capricorns sang.

"_They're not even a real country anyway_," Enlai sang. Everyone grew silent. "Oh, by the way, we vote Sebastian out." (2)

"What the hell?!" Sebastian cried.

**Eliminated Players: Sebastian Hozuki**

* * *

><p><strong>The Second Challenge<strong>

"What in the name of Andrew Hussie?!" The Capricorns cried as they approached a campsite.

"You heard me. Go camping, or you're all fired," Mihawk demaned like a pretty, pretty princess. "Pretty, pretty princess? I am not Donquixote Doflamingo, thank you very much."

Mihawk walked away. The Capricorns blinked in unison.

"Well, I guess we have to set up a camp," Hana said. "And, I have to go for a night without knowing if Homestuck updated or not. Terrific. I already miss Karkles and Terezi."

An hour later, the Capricorns were still stuggling to get a fire going.

"Nobody told me we weren't allowed to bring flamethrowers!" Holden cried. Thierry then dumped his vodka into the fire kindling, setting off a small explosion that knocked the Capricorns to the ground.

"Okay… Thierry is next to go…" Enlai said weakly before a popping noise was heard. "Fuck… I think I just dislocated my shoulder…"

"What if Thierry's the Mole?" Akari asked everyone.

"He can't be. He eats breakfast hungover," Wolfgang said.

"Thierry, you're not my Moirail anymore, the nickel in my pocket is. His name is Phillip, and he's actually a girl nickel," Kaoru explained.

**Eliminated Players: Sebastian Hozuki and Thierry Brighton**

* * *

><p><strong>The Third Challenge<strong>

The next day, the Capricorns were playing a nice, wholesome game of Fandom Monopoly.

"You used too many GIFs in your Tumblr post. Please give up one of these properties if you own them: Supernatural, _The Hunger Games_, One Direction, Hetalia, or Sherlock," Daisuke read from a card. "I'm just curious – Did anybody buy property on the One Direction space?"

"Hell no, but I do have Doctor Who, _The Hunger Games_, Sherlock, Homestuck, and Durarara," Hana explained.

"Oh, I have property on the One Direction space!" Maki-chan said excitedly before she took a deep breath. "_Baby you light up my world like nobody else. The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed. But when you smile_ –"

Most of the Capricorns covered their ears.

"Somebody, PLEASE get Maki-chan out of here! I hate One Direction!" Heathcliffe sobbed. Two men in black then picked up Maki-chan and carried her away.

"Niall, I'm coming for you!" Maki-chan yelled.

"Niall Horan is a bloody git, just sayin'!" Molly yelled.

**Eliminated Players: Sebastian Hozuki, Thierry Brighton, and Maki-chan**

* * *

><p><strong>The Fourth Challenge<strong>

The Capricorns were at a sushi bar for the fourth challenge.

"Okay, everyone, dig in!" Enlai said to his nakama, who blinked.

"This is a challenge?" The Capricorns asked before they ate their sushi. Everyone but Hatori, Yulia, Wolfgang, Yuki-Rin, and Heathcliffe passed out from food poisoning.

"What the fuck?!" Heathcliffe cried. "Who poinsed my brothers and my girlfriend?! Also, who decided to name me 'Heathcliffe'? It's a fitting name for a gothic boy like me, but I wonder what my parents were thinking when they came up with my name and Holden's name."

"Hey, it could be worse. We were going to name you 'Peeta Mellark', we were going to name Holden 'Nucky Thompson', and we were – Wait... You're still alive?! I thought you died!" Saint Sarutobi – Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren's father – cried. Heathcliffe shrugged.

"I ended up living in filthy tenement apartments, pops. Thank you for almost killing me through starvation, filth, disease, and head lice," Heathcliffe explained. Saint Sarutobi crossed his arms.

"Son, I am disappoint," Saint Sarutobi told Heathcliffe before he turned to Holden and Soren, who were STILL passed out on the floor. "Same goes for you two. I'm so glad I shipped you off to that boarding school, Holden. Your father went to that school, and it gave him a sense of purpose and character –"

"Excuse me, sir, you need to leave the premisis," Mihawk told Saint Sarutobi.

"Shut up, Hawkeye. I'm a Noble, and I can do whatever I want," Saint Sarutobi told Mihawk before he turned back to his sons. "Where was I? Anyway, Holden, consider yourself lucky that you're attending the Celestial Dragon Boarding School. You need to form a seperate identity from your brothers, and you need to learn how to be a real man and not a sissy-ass, pretty-boy, punk rocker. Then again, your old man had dreams of his own before he became Saint Sarutobi II. I wanted to be a male stripper-slash-escort like Magic Mike. So, I did what Soren did and ran away from home. I worked with a young Dragon Lady, and I worked under the stage name 'Nicki Minaj'. Sadly, a year and a half later, my father found me, burned my male stripper costumes, and dragged me home. When I got home, he –"

"Woah! TMI, dad! You're, like, fourty-five or something!" Heathcliffe cried in disgust.

"Linton Channing Pettyfer Magic Mike Sarutobi II, you are to leave the set of this reality show right now, or I will be forced to call the police," Mihawk threatened.

"I'm not finished, Goddamnit!" Saint Sarutobi yelled. "When I got home, my dad grounded my ass and shipped me off to the Celestial Dragon Boarding School. There, I learned the manly arts of hunting, slam poetry, oppression 101, interior design, politics, and Spanish. At my graduation ball, I met your mother, a young debutante who –"

Mihawk blew a whistle.

"Security!" Mihawk yelled before Spandam tackled the Noble to the ground.

"Hey! You can't do this to me!" Saint Sarutobi cried.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Spandam yelled. Mihawk turned to Yuki-Rin, Wolfgang, Heathcliffe, Yulia, and Hatori.

"So, have you guessed who the Mole was?" Mihawk asked everyone.

"I'm guessing Wolfgang, since he pretty much outsmarted everyone," Heathcliffe guessed.

"I'm not the Mole," Wolfgang said. "Anyway, I think the Mole is Yuki-Rin. She's our captain, so she must be the Mole."

"I'm not the Mole either," Yuki-Rin said. Wolfgang facepalmed.

"Then who is?!" Wolfgang cried.

"That would be me."

Everyone turned to the sound of the voice – Hatori.

"Hatori?!" The Capricorns cried. Hatori chuckled.

"Yes, it was me. I gave Sebastian that copy of _Twilight_, I told Thierry to use his booze to ignite that fire, I made the Fandom Monopoly game, and I poisoned that sushi! Muhahahahaha!" Hatori said evilly.

"That's it, I can't take this reality show seriously anymore," Wolfgang said before he walked away. Yulia, Heathcliffe, and Yuki-Rin followed after Wolfgang a few moments later.

"Anyone for canned pineapple?" Hatori asked everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>The song Yuki-Rin and Hana sing is a Doctor Who song I made up a couple of nights ago. It's supposed to be a parody of the Oscar Meyer wiener jingle, because what Whovian doesn't want to be a Time Lord (or at least a Companion)?

**(2) **- I mean no offense to my Canadian readers by using the _Blame Canada _song from the South Park movie. I was using that song to make a funny scene for this chapter, and I didn't use it for making fun of the nation of Canada or anybody of Canadian descent and/or ancestry.

**Anyway, review if you want me to write cracky chapters where Luffy gives away roast chickens to people, where Doflamingo and Crocodile become intergalatic cops, and where the Supernovas are stuck in a parody of Tales of Symphonia.**


	64. Happy Birthday, Enlai!

**Author's Note:** Before we begin, I'd like to wish an early happy birthday to both Zoro (who has his birthday on November 11th) and Enlai (November 15th). This would've been posted on the 15th, but I have a lot going on in the coming days - Tomorrow night, my favorite aunt and uncle are coming over, since they're moving in a few days. Sunday, I'm going to the Pacific Media Expo. Monday, I'm helping my aunt and uncle pack their house. And, on Tuesday my aunt and uncle are spending the night at my house because their house closes because of the move. On top of that, I'm beginning to write the new chapters of **The DysFUNctional Christmas**, since this fanfic's holiday hiatus is fast approaching. I'll try to write a couple more chapters before this fic's hiatus begins around Thanksgiving, so bear with me.

Without further ado, let's take a look at Enlai's birthday celebrations.

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorns.**

* * *

><p>"What in the name of Wolfgang Puck?!"<p>

"I'm sorry, Athena! I'm so very sorry!"

Enlai awoke. It was November 15th, the day of his birthday.

"What now?" Enlai muttered as he got up and got dressed. When he got into the kitchen, a cake and a broken plate were both on the floor.

"Sorry, Enlai! Blame Daisuke!" Sebastian cried.

"What did he do?" Enlai asked Sebastian.

"I told Yulia your cake was a lie, and she made me prove it," Daisuke – who was covered in cake – explained. "Oh, by the way, how do you say 'Happy Birthday' in Chinese?"

_"_祝你生日快樂," Enlai said.

"Yeah! What the birthday boy said!" Daisuke said as he pulled out a present. Enlai opened it, revealing a birthday cake that said "Your other cake was a lie". "What do you think?"

"It looks good. Shie-shie," Enlai said.

"Guess who made it!" Daisuke said. "I'll give you several guesses – It's not me, it's a guy, and he's got dark hair just like you!"

"Luffy? Ace? Law? Usopp? Brook? Lucci?" Enlai asked, with Daisuke nodding his head to each answer. "Then who made it?!"

"I'll give you another hint – His name begins with 'Heath' and ends with –" Daisuke explained before Enlai cut him off.

"Heathcliffe! Get your skinny jean-clad ass in here!" Enlai yelled. Instead, Saint Sarutobi II entered.

"Why am I here?! I hate my sons because they won't listen to me!" Saint Sarutobi II whined.

"Because you abused your own children. You practically ignored your oldest son, you shipped the middle son off to boarding school, and you made your youngest son live in poverty and filth. I hope my chat with you will make you reconsider your parenting methods," Kartik explained. Saint Sarutobi II glared at Kartik.

"You're one of those fathers who spank their kids, right?" Saint Sarutobi II asked Kartik.

"Actually, I'm still single and childless," Kartik said with a sigh.

"Haha! You're forever alone!" Saint Sarutobi laughed. We decided to skip ahead four hours to skip the rest of the scene with Saint Sarutobi II.

"Wow. Time flies when you're trying to ignore the presence of a Tenryuubito," Enlai remarked.

"Welcome to my world," Zoro said.

"Zoro, what are you doing here?" Enlai asked Zoro.

"I'm lost," Zoro answered.

"Have you tried Hare Krishna?" Kazuma asked Zoro.

"No," Zoro said. "Oi, do you want me to leave or what?!"

"Yeah, please GTFO," Kazuma said. Zoro walked away as Kartik entered the room.

"Oh, Enlai, I was looking for you. The chef is here with your cake," Kartik explained.

"A chef? Why can't Sebastian make my cake?" Enlai asked Kartik.

"Because this is my gift to you. Happy birthday, Enlai," Kartik explained as he escorted Enlai into the kitchen, where Molly, Soren, and Rubio were sitting.

"Cool," Enlai said as he sat down. Chopper entered the room. "Uhh… Kartik, why didn't you tell me that my cake chef isn't human?"

"Eggs! Cake mix! Water! Chocolate frosting!" Chopper shouted angrily as he threw the cake ingredients onto the cupboard. Then, Chopper began to prepare the cake in a violent manner.

"The feck?" Molly asked everyone.

"Just close your eyes and think of ponies," Rubio demanded. Chopper then dropped five slices of freshly-baked chocolate cake in front of the five Capricorns.

"Dinner is served, bitch!" Chopper yelled. With trembling hands, Kartik, Enlai, Soren, Rubio, and Molly began eating the cake. Chopper then slowly got out a can of mayonnaise. "Pre-dinner mayonnaise. It's good for you."

Everyone in the room sweatdropped.

"No, thank you," Enlai said. With a huff, Chopper threw the mayonnaise behind him, and it landed all over Aki.

"My hair!" Aki cried before she ran out of the room crying. Rubio sighed as he handed an envelope to Enlai.

"Oh, happy birthday. I just hope this gift isn't as crazy as Kartik's," Rubio explained. Enlai opened the envelope, revealing a gift certificate for Aokiji's Bakery.

"Buy one cake, get another cake for free? Why is everybody giving me cake for my birthday?" Enlai asked Rubio.

"Because it's a cheap substitute for Jammie Dodgers," Rubio explained.

"There goes my gift," Soren said under his breath as he hid a pack of Jammie Dodger cookies behind his back.

"Oh, boy! Jammie Dodgers!" Holden said before he took the cookies from Soren.

"Wait, come back! Those are for Enlai!" Soren cried as he followed his brother out of the room. With a sigh, Enlai began walking down the hall, where Z.G. shoved a birthday cake into his arms.

"Passive-aggressive much?!" Enlai asked Z.G.

"Be aggressive! Passive-aggressive! Be aggressive! Passive-aggressive!" Z.G. chanted before he walked away. With a sigh, Enlai continued walking down the hall, where Thierry was stumbling out of his room.

"Ah, Enlai, there you are! I hope you like rum cake!" Thierry said. Enlai went into his bedroom, and he saw cakes everywhere. Above the cakes, there was a banner that said "Your cakes aren't a lie. – Wolfgang Katsuragi". Enlai calmly set Z.G.'s cake and Rubio's gift card down.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU –" Enlai yelled. But, Enlai then awoke on his bed.

"Thank God, I don't have cake!" Enlai said happily. After taking a shower and getting dressed, Enlai was skipping down the hall to get his breakfast. "This is going to be an awesome birthday, I just know it!"

Enlai entered the dining room, where the Capricorns were waiting with a large cake and several presents.

"Happy birthday, Enlai!"

Enlai facepalmed.

"Cake? Really?" Enlai asked his nakama.

"It's your birthday, so why not?" Wolfgang asked Enlai.

"Well, I just woke up from a dream where all you guys gave me was cake. Fortunately, all of those cakes are lies," Enlai explained.

"Well, I was going to get you the Snuggle laundry detergent teddy bear, but it gave Yulia the creeps. I think it's the cutest thing, though," Daisuke explained.

"How the hell can you find that bear cute?! Slenderman's cuter than that bear!" Yulia cried.

"And how the hell do you find Slenderman cute?! Heathcliffe made me play that game, and I had nightmares for days!" Daisuke argued.

"Guys, can we please cut the cake now? I have to go to the Apple store to teach Sanji that Craigslist is not a good place to buy female chefs," Wolfgang asked everyone as he lit the candles on Enlai's birthday cake.

"Yeah. Plus, I'm having Reichenbach Falls feels, so I'm gonna go have a Sherlock marathon soon," Hana said.

"Don't mention Reichenbach Falls!" Matsu cried before she broke down crying.

"Anyway, let us all sing Happy Birthday –" Wolfgang said before Enlai cut him off.

"No, no, no. We're singing something else, since it is MY birthday," Enlai explained.

"And we're singing?"

"_Gangnam Style_."

Wolfgang facepalmed.

"No. Just no," Wolfgang said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see cracky celebrations for Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Buy Nothing Day.<strong>


	65. Black Friday Rule

**Author's Note:** Happy Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Buy Nothing Day, Small Business Saturday, and Cyber Monday to all of my readers. Unfortunately, this is going to be the last chapter posted for **The DysFUNctional Pirates** until around New Year's. It's that time of year again, and that means **The DysFUNctional Christmas** is coming back. Sadly, this means **The DysFUNctional Pirates** will be on hiatus until after the holidays are over.

Without further ado, here's the final chapter of **The DysFUNctional Pirates** until the holidays are over.

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorn Pirates. They're kinda popular, so please respect the fact that I own them.**

* * *

><p>It was Thanksgiving on the Hyperion, and Blaise was shuffling a deck of cards.<p>

"Blaise, what are you doing?" Sadie asked Blaise.

"Well, after the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I stuck around to watch the International Best Llama Contest. While I was watching it, Rob Lucci of the CP9 taught me that the true meaning of Thanksgiving is to either go to – or build – a Longarm Tribe gaming casino," Blaise explained. (1)

"That's not the meaning of Thanksgiving," Sadie pointed out.

"Lucci said it was a joke and Thierry spiked my coffee with eggnog," Blaise explained before Thierry stumbled into the room.

"Merry Christmas, Kanaya! Let me pap your face!" Thierry slurred before he began stroking Blaise's face.

"No, Thierry, you are drunk. Go home," Matsu told Thierry. Daisuke then walked into the room with many shopping bags. "And where were you?"

"Stealing Twinkies. The company that makes them went bankrupt or something," Daisuke explained. Blaise then looked to Daisuke.

"You, me, Longarm Tribe gaming casino NOW," Blaise said. Some time later, he had gathered up Yuki-Rin, Heathcliffe, Hana, Z.G., Daisuke, Yulia, Wolfgang, Enlai, and Rubio, and the ten of them were wandering the island.

"Oh, boy! We're going on a field trip!" Daisuke said with glee.

"Shut up before I burn your Twinkies!" Yulia yelled.

"Where are we going? And why did Blaise only pick nine of us?" Yuki-Rin asked everyone but Blaise.

"He probably wants us to buy sexy lingerie for him so that when Mikuri is –"Z.G. explained before he was rudely cut off.

"Do NOT go there!" Everyone but Blaise yelled. Blaise then stopped in his tracks.

"We're here," Blaise said as he motioned to a casino named "Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Longarm Tribe Casino". Everyone shuddered.

"Okay, why the fuck is Garp running a casino now?!" Heathcliffe cried.

"As if Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village wasn't enough!" Wolfgang cried. Enlai shuddered.

"No, Shitty Katsuragi. Just… Just no," Enlai said with another shudder. Z.G. glared at Blaise.

"Remember what I said last night, Blaise. No, _Pocohontas_ does not end with the opening of a casino. Because of you, Drusilla wants to go to Pocohontas' casino," Z.G. explained. Coby – who was dressed as a Ginjinka Pinkie Pie – approached the Capricorns.

"I'm sorry, but everyone but the guy in the suit can't enter," Coby explained nervously. Daisuke crossed his arms.

"And why not?!" Daisuke cried. Coby winked at Daisuke.

"That's classified information," Coby said like a moé schoolgirl. Daisuke smirked back.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" Daisuke asked coyly. Coby began blushing like a tsundere.

"I need an adult!" Coby screamed before he pushed Daisuke and Rubio to the ground and ran off. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"I'm gonna go gamble. Do something productive," Blaise sternly told his nakama before he walked away.

"So, do we just go back to the ship?" Hana asked everyone.

"Nope," Daisuke said as he pulled out a credit card that said "Kartik Abingdon" on it. "We go Black Friday shopping."

"Nice going, but you just stole Kartik's credit card," Hana pointed out.

"Why does Kartik have a credit card?" Heathcliffe asked everyone.

"Reasons," Z.G. answered as he pulled out a credit card that said "Alec the Cat". "Now, let's move out."

A few minutes later, Yuki-Rin, Heathcliffe, Z.G., Daisuke, Yulia, Wolfgang, Enlai, and Rubio were in a long line at Target, and they were doing stuff to keep themselves occupied. Yuki-Rin and Hana had a sofa, a large T.V., snacks, and drinks set up and they were watching Sherlock, Heathcliffe was taking a bath, Z.G. was on his phone, Yulia was blankly staring at her knife, Daisuke was sitting in a comfy chair and playing a game on his PSP, Wolfgang had a computer desk and office chair set up and he was on his laptop, Enlai was doing sudoku puzzles in the paper, and Rubio was on his iPad.

"Wolfgang, this isn't funny anymore!" Rubio yelled.

"What's not funny?" Wolfgang asked Rubio.

"You're cheating at Words With Friends!" Rubio argued.

"I'm not even playing Words With Friends. I'm looking up pictures of LOLcats," Wolfgang explained.

"Then who am I playing against?!" Rubio cried. Back on the Hyperion…

"Gareth, put your phone away. We're having dinner right now," Kartik told Gareth as the remaining Capricorns were eating Thanksgiving dinner.

"I was owning Rubio!" Gareth huffed before he put his iPhone in his coat pocket. Back at Target…

"So, what's everyone going to buy?" Z.G. asked Yuki-Rin, Hana, Heathcliffe, Yulia, Daisuke, Enlai, Wolfgang, and Rubio.

"I'm getting a new phone. My contract with Verizon is up, so I'm getting an AT&T phone," Wolfgang explained. "Wolfgang, should I get a Samsung Galaxy, a Virgin phone, or the new iPhone?"

"Whatever you want," Wolfgang said.

"Get the Virgin phone so it can fall in love with my iPhone!" Daisuke said.

"Daisuke, Virgin Mobile is the name of the brand. It doesn't mean that the phone got laid," Yulia explained.

"I hope they have season two of Sherlock! I need to see THAT scene in _A Scandal in Belgravia_ in HD!" Hana yelled.

"You just want to see Sherlock naked," Heathcliffe pointed out.

"Of course, I do," Hana said with a smile. Around the Capricorns, the line began to move. "Let's go, people! We don't have all night!"

Later that night, Yuki-Rin, Heathcliffe, Hana, Z.G., Daisuke, Yulia, Wolfgang, Enlai, and Rubio returned to the Hyperion, with various Black Friday purchases.

"How was it?" Soren asked Heathcliffe as he entered his bedroom.

"A fucking madhouse. At least I got the new Assassin's Creed game," Heathcliffe announced as he pulled out a copy of the new Assassin's Creed game.

"Heck yes!" Holden yelled. Out in the kitchen…

"Hey. Got some snacks. Wanna play some video games until one of us passes out due to lack of sleep?" Rubio asked Gareth.

"Sure. Let's continue with our Let's Play of Pokémon Light Platinum," Gareth said.

"Good," Rubio said. "How was dinner?"

"Okay. The food was nothing special," Gareth explained. "Oh, by the way, didn't you guys leave with Blaise?"

"Yeah, why?" Rubio asked Gareth.

"Where did he go?" Gareth asked Rubio, who gave him a knowing look. "Oh, Dear Lord! He's at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Casino?!"

Rubio nodded. Gareth shuddered.

"That's it, screw the Let's Play. We need to get Blaise out of there," Gareth said. Outside, Garp was taking a walk on the docks.

"Why doesn't anyone want to go to my casino?" Garp asked the readers sadly.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) <strong>- Longarm Tribe gaming casinos are supposed to be the One Piece equivalent to Indian gaming casinos.

**Review if you want to see lots of Christmas crack for the holidays!**


	66. Trapped in the Closet pt 1

**Author's Note: **And... We're back from our holiday hiatus with a three-part story arc! Yes, you read that, a story arc. Here's the backstory as to why we have a story arc in a crack fic:

So, around the time I was writing this year's chapters for **The DysFUNctional Christmas **(around mid-November), I began to see commercials for a television show on IFC called "Trapped in the Closet". Since the commercial looked way wacky, I was curious about what it was about. So, like any other person, I decided to look it up on Wikipedia. Turns out, "Trapped in the Closet" was this series based off of a series of songs/music videos by R. Kelly. Yes, the rapper R. Kelly.

And so, this is why we have a three-chapter story arc. I don't even like rap, but I still wrote this. So... Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _Trapped in the Closet_.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny morning in the normal city of Los Angeles, California, as Enlai Li awoke.<p>

"Man… Last night was intense…" Enlai commented as he pulled off the covers, revealing that he was in his regular clothing and that a girl named Stella-Rondo was also in the bed.

"I know… Pop'n Music is so fun to play," Stella-Rondo added.

"Why can't they have a Pop'n Music machine here in L.A.?! Why must I go all the way to Reno, Nevada, to play Pop'n Music?!" Enlai cried. Then, loud footsteps echoed into the hallway.

"Oh, shit!" Stella-Rondo cried.

"Is that the milkman?" Enlai asked.

"No, that's Kazura, my Pop'n Music playing partner. If he finds you, he'll think I got a new Pop'n Music partner," Stella-Rondo explained. "Quick! Hide in the closet!"

"Why can't I just jump out of the window?" Enlai asked. Stella-Rondo responded by shoving him into the closet and closing the door. Kazura then entered the room.

"I brought coffee. I hope you like Italian roast," Kazura explained. Before Stella-Rondo could say anything, Enlai's phone went off. "Don't tell me – It's that telemarketing firm?"

Across town, Perona was working at a telemarketing firm.

"As you can see, bagel insurance is a prime asset to invest in. You'll never know when your bagel will be severly injured and you have to take care of it," Perona explained to Dr. Kureha, the person she called.

"_You're not Finnick! Why isn't this my favorite phone sex hotline_?!" Dr. Kureha yelled from the other line. Back at Stella-Rondo's house, Kazura discovered Enlai hiding in the closet.

"Don't kill me! I have too much Asian Swag to be killed!" Enlai yelled.

"I'm not going to kill you. I just want you to meet somebody," Kazura explained. Blueno entered the room, carrying a carton of ice cream.

"Yo. I hope you don't mind, but I took some food from your fridge. Damn, that was some good butter. Land-O-Lakes is best butter," Blueno explained. Stella-Rondo turned to Kazura.

"Why did he eat all of my butter?!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

"Uhh… He mistook it for bread pudding? I don't freaking know!" Kazura yelled. Enlai decided to use the convenient distraction to get in his car and speed off. But, a police car began following Enlai, forcing him to pull over. Wolfgang – who was dressed as a cop – approached the car.

"What seems to be the problem, officer?" Enlai asked. Wolfgang wrote out a ticket and gave to Enlai. "What the tuna salad?! A hundred dollars?!"

"That's for speeding. You have a week to pay it," Wolfgang explained. After taking a detour to the police station to pay the ticket, Enlai arrived home, where his roommate, Margaret, was waiting for him.

"Where were you?" Margaret asked Enlai.

"Shooting the breeze with a cop," Enlai explained as he hung up his jacket. But, there was a black sweater hanging on the coat rack. "Margaret, whose nerd sweater is this?!"

"It's Usopp's," Margaret lied. "He's coming back from his month-long trip to Sweden today."

"Then why does it smell like Steve Jobs' tears?" Enlai asked. Margaret nervously tugged at her bikini strap.

"I… Uhhh… I know you're seeing the girl who works at the arcade!" Margaret yelled. "I know you've been seeing… What was her name? Wasn't it 'Stellar-Ron' or some other robotic-sounding name?"

Enlai facepalmed.

"It's Stella-Rondo. For the last time, Stella-Rondo is a legit name!" Enlai shouted.

"I know! Wolfgang, Blueno, Whitey Bay, Kaya, and I get free tokens from Stella-Rondo!" Margaret retorted as Wolfgang entered.

"Honey, I'm home!" Wolfgang announced.

"Where the hell did you come from?!" Enlai cried.

"Your mom's couch," Wolfgang answered. Enlai lunged at Wolfgang, and the two knocked into Usopp, sending the three down to the ground. Margaret sweatdropped as the three got up.

"Well, then… Let me go unpack," Usopp said before he went upstairs. Enlai glared at Wolfgang.

"Shithead. You started it," Enlai bluntly told Wolfgang. Then, somebody knocked on the door. "Don't tell me that's your fellow officers."

"I hope not," Wolfgang said as he answered the door to Kartik and Matsu, who were Margaret and Enlai's neighbors.

"We're here for the infomercial shoot," Kartik announced.

"What infomercial shoot?" Enlai asked.

"It's for that food processor," Matsu explained.

"You're in the wrong house," Margaret bluntly answered.

"I should be going. This is getting so crazy," Wolfgang said before he left the house. Margaret, Enlai, Usopp, Kartik, and Matsu grew silent.

"He scares me," Matsu told everyone. Meanwhile, Wolfgang was getting home to his roommate, Monet.

"I'm back!" Wolfgang yelled. Then, Chopper jumped out of the closet Wolfgang was walking by.

"Turtle soup!" Chopper yelled. Wolfgang screamed as Monet came downstairs.

"You cheese doodle!" Wolfgang yelled before he kicked Chopper down. Chopper then transformed into his Monster Point form and he began to attack Wolfgang. Back at Enlai's house…

"Four kings," Enlai announced. Currently, he was playing a card game with Margaret and Usopp. Sadly, they weren't on motorcycles.

"Cheater," Usopp and Margaret said. Then, Margaret's phone rang.

"Ojai Valley Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em," Margaret said to whoever was on the phone. "No, this is not Chuck Testa. This is Margaret. What? Your pet reindeer is attacking a cop? I'll send Enlai and Usopp over."

Back at Monet's house, Wolfgang and Chopper were still fighting, when Enlai and Usopp broke the front door down.

"Hands on the van!" Usopp and Enlai shouted as they pointed water pistols at Chopper and Wolfgang, who raised their hands.

"Wow, Wolfgang. You're a cop, and you ended up on the show Cops. Welcome to Cop-ception," Monet commented.

"We aren't cops! We're just trying to stop the fight!" Enlai yelled.

"And I opened five Apple stores in the Tri-county area," Wolfgang retorted sarcastically.

"So, why is Chopper here?" Usopp asked after a long moment of silence.

"I'm renting him from the petting zoo. I was actually about to drive down there to return him when Wolfgang came back," Monet explained.

"That's animal abuse!" Chopper pointed out. "And, plus, do you want to get sued?! I thought so!"

Back at Stella-Rondo's house, Stella-Rondo, Kazura, Blueno, and Margaret were all arguing.

"I don't want to be in this stupid story arc anymore! I don't care if I get replaced with someone like Aki or Yuki-Rin, just replace me!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

"Hell no! I don't want the younger version of my mother to be my roommate!" Kazura yelled.

"It's not fair! Why couldn't Alto be my roommate! Why can't Alto-sempai notice me?!" Stella-Rondo cried.

"The same reasons why Yukari can't play my roommate!" Kazura yelled.

"_On the next installment of Trapped in the Closet, Enlai's ridiculous saga continues! Enlai will face everything from crack lesbian pairings, pimps with swords, pimps with hooks, pimps with pimps, and even a special guest cameo from Bartholomew Kuma's International Church of Homestuck! Will Enlai make an alliance with Usopp? Who are these pimps and what do they want? What two One Piece females will be in this lesbian crack pairing? What are Kartik, Matsu, and their children going to do next now that they're not on the set of that infomercial? Will Stella-Rondo buy more butter?! Stay tuned for the next exciting installment_!"

"Watch it, or I'll take your soul," Margaret said like Maka from Soul Eater.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see part 2 of this exciting saga!<strong>


	67. Trapped in the Closet pt 2

**Author's Note: **Here is part 2 of the "Trapped in the Closet" story arc.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, P.F. Changs, the songs _We are Lesbians_ and _I'm a Member of the Midnight Crew_, Homestuck, Life Alert, Amy Pond from Doctor Who, Proactiv, Naya Riviera, Sessue Hayakawa, Benedict Cumberbatch, Jena Malone, Dug from _Up_, Johanna Mason from _The Hunger Games_, the Disney store, Baskin-Robbins, Hagen-Daas, Tumblr, Glee, Best Buy, _War and Peace_, Code Geass, or _Trapped in the Closet_.**

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Usopp and Enlai were in Enlai's car.<p>

"Enlai, where are we going?" Usopp asked.

"P.F. Chang's. I was too lazy to wash my dishes," Enlai explained. "Anyway, please be on your best behavior. Kaya works at P.F. Chang's now."

Enlai pulled into the parking lot of a P.F. Chang's restaurant.

"Stay here while I go get some money," Enlai ordered. "By the way, don't eat the shrimp crackers in the glove compartment."

"You got it, dude," Usopp said. Meanwhile, at the Abingdon household – err… mansion -, Kartik and Matsu were having an argument as their four children, Amelia, Rhett, Bridey, and Edmund, watched.

"Why are we even spying on the neighbors?!" Kartik yelled.

"Why are we even arguing?!" Matsu yelled back.

"Why are we even in this story arc?!" Edmund yelled to his parents and siblings. Back at P.F. Chang's, Enlai was forced to have a meal with Stella-Rondo, Kazura, and Margaret so they could patch things up.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" Kaya – who was a waitress in a cosplay of fem!Gamzee – asked the four.

"Didn't I see you work at the Disney store?" Kazura asked. Back inside Enlai's car, Usopp was on the phone with somebody.

"What?! What do you mean that Kaya was the girl at the Disney store?! That's outrageous!" Usopp cried before he hung up. Back inside…

"Yeah! I know you! You're that girl who over-charged me for that giant plushie of Dug from Up! You freakin' cheated me!" Enlai yelled. Kaya then blew her bird-call whistle.

"Security!" Kaya yelled. Kaya's fellow waitress, Whitey Bay (who was cosplaying as Amy Pond) ran into the room with a frying pan. Fearing for their lives, everyone but Enlai, Kaya, and Whitey Bay left the restaurant.

"Well, this is awkward."

Usopp entered the room. Immediatey, Kaya's eye began to twitch.

"Sorry for the eye twitch. Some pimp with a huge-ass sword punched me in the eye a few months back when I told him that we were out of Disney Princess playsets," Kaya explained. Then, Odacchi briefly appeared on-screen, holding a sign that said "Hooray for exposition fairies".

"Hey, Kaya, we've kinda been on a break for a while. Can we get back together? I'll take you to see that new documentary about pandas with Benedict Cumberbatch as the narrator. You like Benedict Cumberbatch, don't you? If not, then you like pandas, don't you?" Usopp offered.

"Actually…" Kaya said before Whitey Bay kissed her. "_I'm a lesbian! She's a lesbian_!"

"_We are lesbians! Kissing in the rain, we are les_ –" Whitey Bay and Kaya sang before Enlai cut them off.

"Kaya! Kaya, what are you doing?! Kaya, stahp!" Enlai pleaded.

"No, Enlai. Let them have their musical number," Usopp whispered. Enlai sighed.

"Usopp, didn't I tell you to stay in the car?" Enlai asked. Usopp looked to Whitey Bay and Kaya.

"This ain't over," Usopp said. "I'll be back."

A few more minutes later, Usopp and Enlai were back in Enlai's car.

"Man! I can't believe Kaya left me for an obscure pirate captain! Is she hipster, or what?!" Usopp ranted.

"No, Whitey Bay's the hipster. She's that obscure," Enlai explained as his phone began to ring. Enlai pulled off to the side of the road and answered his phone. "Hello?"

"_Enlai, it's me, Margaret. Your parents in this story arc, Mikuri and Sayuki, got into a fight over the costs of various tea sets from Japan, and Sayuki had Mikuri arrested and put in jail for the night. Now, Sayuki wants Mikuri's house, samurai sword, and Sessue Hayakawa movies_."

Enlai's face changed to the face many Code Geass characters get when they're horrified.

"Oh, hell to the no," Enlai muttered before he hung up. "Usopp, change of plans. We're going to Best Buy to buy Mikuri his samurai movies."

At the local church, Kazura was leading his congregation, the Chuch of Homestuck, through their hymns. The members of the Church of Homestuck consisted of Nojiko (as Aradia), Kaku (as Tavros), Sanji (as Sollux), Heathcliffe (as Karkat), Apis (as Nepeta), Shakky (as Kanaya), Vivi (as Terezi), Kalifa (as Vriska), Daruma (as Equius), Killer (as Gamzee), Brook (as Eridan), and Alvida (as Feferi).

"_I'm a member of the Midnight Crew_  
><em>I'm a night owl and a wise bird, too<em>  
><em>Home with the milk in the morning<em>  
><em>Singing the same old song (singing a song)<em>  
><em>Rise with the moon and go to bed with the sun<em>  
><em>Early to bed and you'll miss all the fun<em>  
><em>Bring your wife and trouble, it'll never trouble you<em>  
><em>Make her a member of the Midnight Crew<em>!" Nojiko, Kaku, Sanji, Heathcliffe, Apis, Shakky, Vivi, Kalifa, Daruma, Killer, Brook, and Alvida sang.

"You guys are a hot mess. All of you, go home before I do something bad."

The church's real reverend, Bartholomew Kuma, entered the room.

"Actually, Kazura needs to stay. He has a phone call on line three," Kuma explained. Kazura went into Kuma's office and picked up the phone.

"Hello? Blueno, where are you? You're in the hospital?! How?! You fell and you couldn't get up?! Life Alert didn't even save you?! What the hell?!"

Stella-Rondo entered the office.

"Not again!" Stella-Rondo cried. Back in the church, Kuma and the members of the Chuch of Homestuck were trying to get a pimp named Dracule Mihawk to change his ways.

"You can do it, Mihawk!" The Church of Homestuck yelled.

"I already did it. Good-bye," Mihawk said before he left the church. Outside, his fellow pimp, Sir Crocodile, was waiting for him. "Why did you make me do this?"

"Because you fucking forced me to see that Proactiv commercial that had Naya Riviera from Glee on it! I am so sick and tired of people fan-casting Naya Riviera as Johanna Mason! I mean, they already casted Jena Malone as Johanna, and Jena Malone is going to make a FINE Johanna, in my humble opinion!" Crocodile ranted. Mihawk facepalmed.

"I'm banning you from Tumblr, okay?"Mihawk said. At the Abingdon house, Matsu was reading _War and Peace_, when Kartik entered.

"Blueno fell and he couldn't get up. Grab the kids, we're going to go visit him in the hospital," Kartik explained.

"Why are we visiting Blueno? He's fine," Rhett explained.

"Yeah, he went home," Bridey added. Kartik's face darkened.

"Put your Sunday Best on. We're going out for ice cream," Kartik said darkly. "And, before you ask, we're going to Baskin-Robbins, not Hagen-Daas."

Meanwhile, at the local Legit Businessmans' Club, Enlai and Usopp were discussing job offers with the notorious ganster Capone "Gang" Bege.

"So, all we have to do to get extra money is to take our glass, plastic, and aluminum cans and bottles to the recycling plant to get money?" Usopp asked.

"Yep. I'm big on recycling. We need to class up this city," Capone explained.

"Ah. Sounds legit," Usopp said.

"_The saga continues on the next installment of Trapped in the Closet! With things getting intense in the next chapter, who will be outed as the person who started this cracky chain of events, awkward moments, happenstances, and whatnot? Is it Mikuri, the Sessue Hayakawa fanboy in jail? Is it Sanji, the Church of Homestuck member who cosplays Sollux? Is it Capone, a mobster who cares for the environment? Is it Kaya and Whitey Bay, the lesbian cosplay waitresses? Or, is it Enlai, our protagonist? Find out in the next exciting installment_!"

"It's not me!" Enlai cried. Capone and Usopp sweatdropped.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see the next exciting installment!<strong>


	68. Trapped in the Closet pt 3

**Author's Note: **Here is part 3 of our story arc! And, so far, this is the end of the story arc until more of _Trapped in the Closet _is released and I have material to work off of.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Also, this chapter contains major spoilers for _The Hunger Games _trilogy.**

* * *

><p>The next night, Enlai and Margaret were watching T.V., when the phone rang.<p>

"I'll get it," Margaret said as she got up and walked over to the phone. "Hello?"

"_Silence will fall_."

In town, Stella-Rondo and Kazura were out shopping, when Stella-Rondo's phone rang.

"Hello?" Stella-Rondo asked.

"_Silence will fall_."

Usopp, Monet, Wolfgang, Mikuri, Sayuki, Kaya, Whitey Bay, Usopp, Kuma, Mihawk, Crocodile, the Abindgon family, Chopper, Capone, Blueno, and even the members of Kuma's Homestuck Church were next to receive the calls. All said the same thing:

"_Silence will fall_."

* * *

><p>"What?! I correctly predicted who would win the Fiesta Bowl?!"<p>

It was the next day, and Usopp and Enlai were at a local coffee house.

"Yeah! Let's go collect the five dollars you won from that nice man living in the windowless van parked in the alley!" Enlai said joyfully. Outside, Mihawk was yelling at four of Crocodile's women, Miss Valentine's Day, Miss Doublefinger, Robin, and Miss Goldenweek.

"Where's my money?!" Mihawk cried.

"We just gave it to you," Robin pointed out.

"Doesn't matter! I need to satisfy my cupcake addiction!" Mihawk shouted as Enlai and Usopp attempted to walk by. "Oi, do you have some cash you could loan out?! I'll pay you back!"

Enlai and Usopp looked to each other.

"Yeah. Let me go home to get it," Enlai said before he and Usopp got in the car and drove off. After driving several feet, Enlai high-fived Usopp.

"Bingo! Let's go get some food at Chipotle!" Usopp yelled. Meanwhile, Stella-Rondo and Kazura were seeing Dr. Hogback, a marriage counselor. Stella-Rondo was in tears, Kazura was facepalming, and Dr. Hogback just sat there.

"We aren't even married! I shouldn't be here!" Stella-Rondo sobbed. Dr. Hogback looked to Kazura.

"Is she pregnant with your child? Are you the baby-daddy?!" Dr. Hogback asked Kazura, who flipped over Dr. Hogback's desk and grabbed Stella-Rondo.

"I am so done!" Kazura yelled before he and Stella-Rondo left the confused marriage counselor's office in a dramatic fashion.

"Do I still get paid for my cameo in this chapter?" Dr. Hogback asked.

"No," Kaku said off-screen.

"Damnit!" Dr. Hogback yelled as he banged his fists on his overturned desk. Over at the Abingdon manor…

"Matsu, I think our son is right – We shouldn't be dragging our children into this mess," Kartik explained.

"We can't. They're already in this mess," Matsu answered blankly.

"What makes you think we actually want to be in this parody?!" Edmund yelled from upstairs.

"Go read _The Hunger Games_ or something, sweetie!" Matsu yelled to Edmund.

"I'm already doing that!" Edmund yelled.

"Then go read _Catching Fire_!" Matsu yelled back.

"I don't think our kids should go with us to this thing later this evening," Kartik stated.

"I'm sorry, but you have no say in the matter. X. Drake told us to bring the kids, or else he would find us," Matsu explained.

"Mum, I got to the scene where Rue dies and Katniss puts flowers around her and sings! And Rhett just spoiled what happened after Katniss finds Peeta! And Bridey won't stop crying about Finnick's death, which means that she spoiled _Mockingjay_ for me! What?! Amelia, don't tell me that Prim dies when I'm only on the first book!"

Matsu facepalmed.

"I told you to buy the _Beautiful Creatures_ series for them!" Matsu said to Kartik before she went upstairs. "Kids, stop arguring about _The Hunger Games_ or I will force you to read the _Twilight_ saga!"

At Kaya's apartment, Kaya and Whitey Bay were watching T.V.

"_Hi, it's Bartholomew Kuma with Shamwow. You'll be saying 'wow' every time you use this product. It's like a shammy, it's like a towel, it's like a sponge, and it's like something to slap hookers around with_."

Kaya got up from the couch.

"I'm gonna go find Usopp. He hasn't called all day," Kaya said as she put on her coat. "Dinner's in the fridge."

Kaya left the apartment. Then, Whitey Bay turned off the television in order to conserve energy, since she wasn't going to watch it.

"Guess it's time for the show…" Whitey Bay commented before she left the apartment. Meanwhile, Usopp and Enlai were entering what appeared to be a waiting room of an accountant's office.

"One does not simply walk into Donquixote Doflamingo's office!" Blaise Nightwing – the secretary – yelled to Enlai and Usopp, who kept walking into Doflamingo's office. In front of a desk was Doflamingo, who was eating roasted pumpkin seeds in a violent and aggressive manner.

"What do you want, peasants?!" Doflamingo asked Enlai and Usopp.

"Uhh… We'd like to speak to you about the recycling program you recently started in our city," Usopp explained.

"Capone 'Gang' Bege sent us," Enlai added. Doflamingo's face turned to a face of utter shock, as if he were having a stroke.

"Why him?! He doesn't know that Arbok doesn't evolve into Seviper!" Doflamingo cried.

"We needed the money," Usopp answered.

"And we're not broke by any means necessary," Enlai added. Doflamingo facepalmed.

"The both of you are so desperate," Doflamingo muttered to himself as he pressed a button under his desk. "Security!"

Blaise then ran into the room with a pirated DVD of the anime Sword Art Online.

"Hands on the van!" Blaise yelled. Enlai kicked Blaise in the crotch and threw the DVD out the window.

"Sword Art Online is so fucking overrated! Go watch Blue Exorcist!" Enlai yelled before he and Usopp ran out of the office building.

"Good call, Enlai. I don't like Sword Art Online either," Usopp said. "I mean, if you're going to do a fantasy anime that's going to be really popular, at least do an anime adaptation of Odacchi's Three Piece."

The two grew silent.

"Where in the name of Scarlett O'Hara are we going?" Enlai asked Usopp.

"We're going to that alley to hide!" Usopp yelled as he dragged Enlai into an alley.

"I like it…" Enlai commented as he sat down on some steps that led to a door.

"Hey, Enlai, where does that door lead to?" Usopp asked.

"Your mom's closet," Enlai retorted. Usopp laughed.

"You're real funny, Enlai," Usopp commented. "Wanna go inside and see if my mom's on the other side."

"Your mom's dead," Enlai reminded Usopp as he opened the door.

"Oh, yeah! From that overdose of strawberry and chocolate candy from Japan!" Usopp said as the two went inside, which was a backstage area. A few seconds later, Usopp and Enlai wound up on the set of Jerry Springer, with Stella-Rondo, Kazura, Blueno, Margaret, Wolfgang, Monet, Chopper, Kartik, Matsu, Bridey, Rhett, Amelia, Edmund, Kaya, Whitey Bay, Mikuri, Sayuki, Kuma, Nojiko, Kaku, Sanji, Heathcliffe, Apis, Shakky, Vivi, Kalifa, Daruma, Killer, Brook, Alvida, Mihawk, Crocodile, Miss Doublefinger, Miss Valentine's Day, Robin, Miss Goldenweek, Capone, Dr. Hogback, Blaise, and Doflamingo waiting for them.

"Okay… Where's the hidden camera?" Enlai asked Usopp.

"Well… This is awkward," Usopp commented.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

"Welcome to my knock-off of Jerry Springer."

A man named X. Drake walked onto the stage.

"_Coming soon on Trapped in the Closet, Enlai and Usopp are forced to deal with this angry mob as a half-man half-dinosaur tries to calm everybody down. Why is every single character in this story arc on this show? What have Enlai and Usopp done? Why did we leave this at a cliffhanger?! Who cares! Stay tuned for the next exciting installment! Eventually_."

"What do you mean 'eventually'?!" Enlai screamed.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see parts four and five to this saga in the future!<strong>


	69. The Rad Bromance's Un-Rad Separation

**Author's Note: **You know what? I am starting to really love the _Rad Bromance _chapters, and it shows in this chapter. I think that _Rad Bromance _will be the next oneshot in this fic to get a Director's Cut.

**Disclaimer: luffykotheeevee owns Foley Maeve. I also don't own The Big Bang Theory, Homestuck, Gintama, The Learning Annex, the Shamwow, Pokémon, Little Big Planet, Bioshock, Gears of War, Youtube, Trollface, Red Solo Cups, the songs _Shots _by LMFAO and _Ain't no Rest for the Wicked _by Cage the Elephant, ASDFmovie, Doctor Who, Peeta Mellark from _The Hunger Games_, Lord Voldemort, Volkswagon vans, or Ned Flanders. Oh, and I also don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p><strong>Lousiana, 1936<strong>

The Rad Bromance's second tale began on the night of Daisuke's birthday. His birthday party was a formal event held at the fanciest hotel in town, and everyone came dressed to the nines. By that, we mean "It was a very laid-back affair held at I Heart Gintama's local pizzeria and everyone came in street clothes".

"Bazinga!" Daisuke yelled as he hopped out of the ball pit as Wolfgang was walking by.

"ASDFmovie!" Wolfgang yelled in shock. Daisuke began laughing.

"Thanks for booking this place for my birthday party!" Daisuke said.

"No prob. Hottest affair in town, am I right?" Wolfgang asked as he motioned to Kazuma, the Sarutobi boys, Gareth, and Enlai, the only other guests at the party.

"Yep!" Daisuke said as he got out of the ball pit.

"Oi, don't we have to be somewhere else for the birthday party Daisuke's mom is throwing?!" Enlai asked everyone. Across town, at the fanciest hotel in I Heart Gintama, Louisiana, Nami was throwing a formal birthday party for Daisuke, and everyone came in formal attire.

"Where's the birthday boy?" Showtarou – who was Daisuke's brother for the Rad Bromance oneshots – asked Nami, his mother. Nami facepalmed.

"He's out with that so-called 'Rad Bromance' AGAIN?!" Nami cried. "I sent out formal invitations, went tuxedo shopping with Daisuke, and I bought a dress for Yulia, too!"

"Yulia's not here either. She said that she's not supposed to appear in these oneshots, because the authoress said so. And if she did, the authoress would write another chapter at the Learning Annex," Showtarou explained. Nami glared at Showtarou.

"Go dance with some girl or something. I am so done with you AND Daisuke," Nami said before she walked away, but not before tripping up the fancy staircase.

"I warned you about stairs, bro! I told you, dog!" Showtarou yelled. Back at the pizza place, Daisuke was opening his presents, which included a Shamwow, glow sticks, advance copies of Pokémon X and Y, Ring Pops, manga, and Pokémon plushies.

"Gareth, my homeboy! You shouldn't have!" Daisuke yelled as he unwrapped a punching bag in the likeness of Andrew Hussie.

"That's for when Andrew Hussie gets too out of hand with his Homestuck updates," Gareth explained. "You guys wanna test it out right now?"

"We have to get home," Daisuke said urgently. "I finally figured out where we had to be tonight."

"Where?" Kazuma asked. Daisuke took a deep breath, and everyone expected him to say something about Nami's party.

"My bedroom! I've got lots of snacks, video games, and movies!" Daisuke announced. "Now, what should we play – Little Big Planet, Bioshock, Gears of War, Final Fantasy, or Pokémon?"

The Rad Bromance thought this over for a second.

"Little Big Planet," The Rad Bromance said.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Nami and Showtarou returned to their Little Big McMansion.<p>

"Well, that was as unsucessful as you posting a cat video to Youtube with Ajax as the cat," Nami explained.

"For all we know, Daisuke's upstairs in his sweatpants and Trollface T-shirt playing video games," Showtarou said.

"Duh, winning!"

Showtarou dropped his hat for no reason. Before she could trip up the stairs and receive obligatory Homestuck-related stairs jokes, Nami removed her heels and ran upstairs to Daisuke's bedroom, where the Rad Bromance was playing Pokémon Battle Revolution. Cartons full of ice cream, bags of popcorn and chips, containers filled with Pringles, pretzels, and cheese balls, buckets of fried chicken, wings, and potato skins, boxes of pizza, liter bottles of soda, and Red Solo Cups surrounded them.

"_Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots_!" The Rad Bromance chanted as they alternated between pumping their right fists and their left fists in the air. On the screen, Daisuke's Dunsparce was defeating Kazuma's Blaziken with an Earth Power. Then, Nami ran downstairs and shut off the power to the entire house.

"What the Flaffy?! I was winning!"

"I can't find my Red Solo Cup!"

"That's because I took it and spat in it, Shitty Katsuragi."

"I think I accidentally grabbed somebody's manhood out of shock."

"Gareth, get your hand off of my crotch! I'm married in other stories!"

"Soren, that was you?! Oh, Jegus…"

Then, the lights went back on, revealing a state of chaos – Gareth and Soren were trying to slap each other, Wolfgang was throwing a drink in Enlai's face, Kazuma – still scarred from his loss – was in the fetal position eating a fried chicken wing, Heathcliffe and Holden were just sitting there eating popcorn and watching everything, and Daisuke was on the floor crying over the fact that he was winning.

Unfortunately, Nami came into Daisuke's room right when the power came back on.

"All of you except Daisuke, out!" Nami yelled. With dejected faces, the members of the Rad Bromance left. "As for you, young man, you're going to a boarding charm school!"

Daisuke's face turned to shock.

"But, but –" Daisuke said before Nami cut him off.

"No buts! First train leaves tomorrow with you on it!" Nami yelled.

"I like trains," A young girl named Foley Maeve said derpily.

* * *

><p>The next day, Daisuke arrived at Kokoro-obaasan's Charm Boarding School.<p>

"Now, Daisuke, what brings you to my charm school?!" Kokoro yelled/slurred.

"My mom wants to make me a proper, Southern gentleman," Daisuke explained.

"Do you realize that Daleks are the superior beings?" Kokoro asked Daisuke, who sweatdropped.

"Uhh… Was that a Doctor Who reference or something?" Daisuke asked. Kokoro then slammed the palms of her hands onto her desk.

"Do you accept Peeta Mellark as your Lord and Savior?!" Kokoro shouted.

"No. I'm in the Church of Haruhiism," Daisuke explained. Kokoro then bitch-slapped Daisuke with her mermaid fins.

"Ash Ketchum died for your sins in the first Pokémon movie! Respect da name, biatch!" Kokoro yelled before Monet entered the room and put a straitjacket around Kokoro.

"Ignore that. This always happens," Monet told Daisuke. "Now, go to your assigned prison cell – I mean, room."

With a sigh, Daisuke picked up his suitcase and went to his room, which only consisted of a bed, dresser, and adjoining bathroom.

"Why is this happening?" Daisuke asked as he set his suitcase down. "Why aren't my bros here?"

"Breakfast time! We're having gruel-flavored gruel today!"

Daisuke then threw up.

"Looks like I'm not going to breakfast…" Daisuke said weakly before he went to bed. A few hours later, Daisuke awoke to the smell of smoke. "Huh?!"

Turns out, Daisuke's punching bag of Andrew Hussie was on fire for no reason.

"What the –" Daisuke yelled before he grabbed a fire extinguisher from the wall and put out the fire. Then, Daisuke passed out due to a fever.

"Sensei! Daisuke littered! And he swore!" A little girl named Apis cried.

* * *

><p>Back in I Heart Gintama, the other members of the Rad Bromance were bored and lonely.<p>

"We shouldn't suffer like this, guys. Let's go find Daisuke and bring him back, even if it means that we have to get the TARDIS," Holden explained. Wolfgang got up and glared at Holden.

"Get in the car, losers. We're going shopping," Wolfgang commanded.

* * *

><p>When Daisuke awoke, he was on a couch.<p>

"How are you, child?"

Daisuke looked up, and he saw Nojiko, the school nurse.

"Woah! You're not Capricorn Jesus!" Daisuke yelled. Nojiko responded by putting an ice pack over Daisuke's mouth.

"Shh… Sh… Granny Kokoro's a [Ned Flanders], isn't she?" Nojiko asked as she removed the ice pack from Daisuke.

"Where am I? And why is Kokoro-obaasan Ned Flanders?" Daisuke asked Nojiko.

"My office. You were passed out for a long time," Nojiko explained. "You're all better now, albeit a bit weak."

Nojiko's phone rang.

"No, Kokoro, I'm not lesbian for Kanaya Maryam," Nojiko said into the phone. "Daisuke's brother is here? Uhh.."

Before Nojiko could say anything, Daisuke rang outside, where the rest of the Rad Bromance was waiting outside of a Volkswagon van.

"OMG, you guys!" Daisuke yelled as he glomped his fellow Broskis, Brosephs, and Brohams.

"Hi-diddly-ho, neighborino!"

Kokoro approached the group.

"Screw your charm school and your gruel-flavored gruel and your Flanders-speak!" Daisuke yelled. "I want to go home!"

Wolfgang then shoved Daisuke into the backseat of the van.

"Daisuke needs to be saved from being a redneck like Honey Boo-Boo! The power of Lord Voldemort compels him!" Kokoro yelled.

"If Lord Voldemort or Ned Flanders caught you sleeping with them, they will cut you!" Wolfgang yelled before the rest of the Rad Bromance got into the car and drove off.

"Have a dandy-diddly day-di-di-iddlyo!" Kokoro called out to our bros. Speaking of our bros…

"Are you alright? What do you need the most right now? A shower? Some food?" Wolfgang asked Daisuke.

"There's a taco in the back!" Heathcliffe yelled to Daisuke, who began eating the meal from Taco Bell.

"I think I know what we should do!" Daisuke yelled. A few minutes later…

"Yes?" Nami asked as she opened her front door to the Rad Bromance.

"_He said, there ain't no rest for the wicked,_  
><em>Money don't grow on trees,<em>  
><em>I got bills to pay,<em>  
><em>I got mouths to feed,<em>  
><em>There ain't nothing in this world for free.<em>  
><em>Oh no, I can't slow down,<em>  
><em>I can't hold back<em>  
><em>Though you know, I wish, I could,<em>  
><em>Oh no, there ain't no rest for the wicked,<em>  
><em>Until we close our eyes for good<em>," Daisuke, Heathcliffe, Holden, Soren, Kazuma, Gareth, Wolfgang, and Enlai sang before they ran off. Nami facepalmed.

"Some things never change…" Nami commented. Down the street.

"That was fucking epic!" Heathcliffe yelled.

"Oi, where are we going next?!" Enlai yelled.

"Yulia's house!" Daisuke answered.

"What song are we singing?!" Wolfgang asked.

"The _I Hate Ned Flanders Song_ from that one episode of The Simpsons!" Daisuke yelled.

"Perfect!" Wolfgang yelled. The Rad Bromance laughed.

"It's so good to be back home with my bros, brahs, broskis, Brosephs, and Brohams," Daisuke said to himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more of the Rad Bromance's adventures, from going on vacation to doing pranks in Wal-mart to even a day at the beach!<strong>


	70. The Obligatory Romeo and Juliet Parody

**Author's Note: **Yes, I wrote a parody of _Romeo and Juliet_. Writing a parody of _Romeo and Juliet _is obligatory for this fanfic.

Also, except scores of updates for this fic. I have lots of ideas at the moment.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

><p>It all started in the fair (yet made-up) city of Verona, as Usopp from House Straw Hat was hanging out with his best buddies, Zoro and Luffy.<p>

"What do you want to do today?" Usopp asked Zoro and Luffy.

"I dunno. What do you want to do?" Luffy asked.

"I dunno. What do you want to do?"

"Powdered milk!" Zoro yelled in an effort to get Luffy and Usopp to shut up. "There, I said it. Now you know that my family is too unimportant to buy regular milk."

"Let's go to the House of Capricorn! They're having a cookie-tasting party!" Luffy suggested. A few minutes later, Usopp, Zoro, and Luffy arrived at the House of Capricorn, a very large mansion owned by the Capricorn Pirates.

"_P Unit Foreva_  
><em>P Unit<em>  
><em>P Unit - What's up, fellas?<em>

_Yo, yo, where my WASPs at?_  
><em>M.V. - Martha's Vineyard<em>

_Holla back_  
><em>Tell Buffy to chirp me<em>

_Sip sip_  
><em>Yo!<em>  
><em>Straight out of Cape Cod<em>  
><em>We're keeping it real<em>  
><em>We're going to have a party makes the ladies squeal<em>  
><em>We're going to turn it on with our parents' riches<em>  
><em>We'll serve Smirnoff raw tea and finger sandwiches<em>

_We keeps it real_  
><em>by real we mean rich<em>  
><em>from New Hampshire to Vermont<em>  
><em>from the Main Line to Greenwich<em>  
><em>'Cause no one's harder than a New England gangsta<em>  
><em>We drink raw tea on the south wing verandah<em>," Kartik rapped.

"_Tea Partay_!" Matsu sang.

"_High tea in the palour makes the ladies holla_," Blaise rapped. Luffy, Usopp, and Zoro sweatdropped. "Uhh… Head inside."

Luffy, Usopp, and Zoro entered the ballroom, where many people were eating cookies, drinking juice, or doing other things, such as working on crossword puzzles.

"I wear a fez now, Baka Enlai! Fezzes are cool!"

"Hi, my name is Edmund Abingdon, and, yes I was named after Edmund from _Chronicles of Narnia_."

"Ah, yes, the scalene triangle."

"I warned you about stairs, bro! I told you, dog!"

"_I kissed a boy, and I liked it! Got all the honeys in the club excited! I kissed a boy just to start_ –"

Then, a blonde girl named Kaya walked out of the crowd, Katy Perry's _I Kissed a Girl_ playing somewhere in the background.

"Zoro, Luffy, can we come to this sewing circle more often?" Usopp asked his nakama.

"I don't see why not. I mean, they do give me free beer," Zoro answered.

"Yes, free beer," Luffy said as he began to play with a stress toy in the shape of an Adipose from Doctor Who.

"Well, if you need me, I'm going to go stalk Kaya and say random words in front of her balcony," Usopp said before he left the party. Adachi from Persona 4 then approached all of the partygoers.

"Alright, kids, who wants to talk about murders committed by the Midnight Channel?" Adachi asked everyone. The crowd grew silent, save for some crickets chriping in the background.

"2DX Gold!" Chaka yelled from outside. (1)

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Kaya was standing on her balcony so she could look for the GoodYear blimp.<p>

"Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?"

Kaya looked down, and she saw Usopp washing some dishes.

"I'm Kaya," Kaya said. Usopp cleared his throat.

"_Hey, I just met you. And, this is crazy. But, here's my number. So, call me, maybe_," Usopp sang. "_It's hard to look right at you, baby. But, here's my number. So, call me, maybe. Hey, I just met_ –"

Mikuri and Sayuki then walked up to Usopp and pushed him in the pool.

"No, Kaya. We told you not to mary the kid with the long nose. You're going to marry Spandam, and you will like it," Mikuri explained. Kaya gave them the finger. By that, we mean, "Kaya threw a package of fish fingers and a container of custard down to Mikuri and Sayuki".

"Here! Take all of my fish fingers and custard! You're not my mom and dad! My parents died in some Black Friday riot!" Kaya yelled before she stormed off. Mikuri looked to Sayuki, then the fish fingers and custard on the ground.

"Well, we were going to go to Burger King for dinner. I guesss you could say…" Mikuri said before he put on some sunglasses. "That we're having it our way tonight."

_Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh!_

* * *

><p>Down the street, at an Indian gaming casino, Usopp and Kaya were getting married. The only guests who attended were Yasopp, Teru, Daisuke, a chicken, and a Dalek.<p>

"Why are you getting married here? You know, you can make the three-hour drive to Las Vegas and get married there," Miller – the person officiating the ceremony – asked Kaya and Usopp.

"We need to fight people and fake our deaths. Kaya's in an arranged marriage to a sadist, and I need a nose job," Usopp explained.

"Yeah, son! You need that nose job!" Yasopp yelled before he took a swig from his gigantic bottle of whiskey. Teru turned to the Dalek on her other side.

"And why are you here? You're from the Doctor Who universe, not One Piece," Teru asked.

"Because Daleks are the superior beings. You will all be exterminated at the end of this inferior wedding," The Dalek droned.

"…Plus, we love coming to Indian gaming casinos. Between the best slots in Southern California and free breakfasts, people are asking us if we're on drugs since we've never been to Vegas," Kaya explained, finishing up a long rant on why she loves indian gaming casinos. The hipster lumberjack officiating the ceremony sighed.

"Do you mind if we make this quick? I need to get a bunch of my fellow hipsters to a music festival out in the Nevada deserts," Miller asked.

"No, not at all," Usopp answered. Miller shoved some papers into their faces.

"Sign on all of the dotted lines except for the last one, unless you want to own this casino," Miller explained. With that, Teru and Daisuke clapped, Yasopp cheered loudly, the chicken clucked, and the Dalek whirred around the wedding chapel.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!" The Dalek shouted.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Zoro and Luffy were walking down the street for no reason, when Wolfgang and Enlai ran up to Zoro and began to beat him up for no reason.<p>

"Zoro! No! Don't hit his pelvis!" Luffy yelled. "Why in Hugh Hefner's name are you hitting my friend with benefits?!"

Wolfgang and Enlai stopped beating up Zoro upon mention of "friends with benefits" and sweatdropped.

"Because he plays a character who dies in the original _Romeo and Juliet_," Enlai explained.

"Don't you play a character who also dies?" Wolfgang asked.

"Well, I…" Enlai said as he flipped through a script of this chapter. "Oh, shit."

Then, somebody screamed.

"What now?!" Luffy and Wolfgang asked before running off, leaving behind Zoro and Enlai.

"So, how was your day?" Zoro asked.

"Alright, I guess," Enlai said with a shrug. "I have this coupon for Papa John's pizza. Want to go get pizza and contemplate how Sanji and Shitty Katsuragi mistreat us?"

Zoro sighed.

"Sure," Zoro said. "_It's always the guys in bow ties. Always_."

Meanwhile, Luffy and Wolfgang arrived at a graveyard, where the Capricorns and Straw Hats were.

"What's going on? Is the bacon factory on fire?!" Luffy asked everyone.

"Usopp and Kaya killed themselves because Kaya didn't want to be with Spandam and Usopp saw Kaya's dead body!" Franky sobbed. Sanji then began to touch Franky's face.

"Shh… Shh… Only motherfucking miracles now," Sanji re-assured Franky. Everyone else grew silent.

"Who wants to go to TCBY for frozen yogurt?!" Nami asked everyone.

"Fuck yeah!" Daisuke yelled before he ran into a tree. Everyone sweatdropped.

"This is why I told Daisuke about the Dream World Magikarp," Gareth told Rubio. On the other side of the graveyard, Usopp and Kaya were exiting a crypt.

"So, when do we reveal ourselves to our loved ones?" Usopp asked Kaya.

"After our second wedding and honeymoon in Vegas," Kaya answered as they approached a Volkswagon van, where Miller, Lien, Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey, Pearl, Kazura, Yukari, Law, Bonney, Penguin, Sachi, Bepo, Jean Bart, and the other hipsters of the One Piece universe sat. "Hey, yo, Miller! Let's get this show on the road! We don't want to miss Ironic Hipster Band #497!"

"You betcha!" Miller said as Usopp and Kaya hopped in. "Drinks are in the mini-fridge under Kaya's seat!"

And so, the van carrying the hipsters drove off into the sunset, headed to Las Vegas.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>If you get this reference, then you are awesome.

**Review if you want to see other parodies of classical literature, such as _Wuthering Heights_, _Pride and Prejudice _(I may do a parody of that book, actually), or _Harry Potter_. (Does the last one count?)**


	71. Zombie Night Raid 1931

**Author's Note: **Don't ask how it came down to a parody of Night Raid 1931, one of my top ten favorite animes. Let's just say that **luffykotheeevee **helped me with the casting of Shizune, Ageha has a weeaboo moment, this fanfic has its first flashback, and Spandam goes "Oh, for the love of Joseph Gordon-Levitt."

Yeah...

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Night Raid 1931.**

* * *

><p><strong>Shanghai, 1931<strong>

"Oh, for the love of Joseph Gordon-Levitt…"

It was a normal day in Shanghai for Spandam, the leader of the supernatural, political interest group Sakurai Kikan. The small group consisted of only four people – Yulia Tadase (who used telepathy), Daisuke Saburo (who was Yulia's servant and used X-ray vision), Gareth Archer (who could slow stuff down with his mind), and Rubio Lindocruz (who could teleport to wherever the tuna salad he felt like).

"_One pound fish. One pound fish. Very, very good. One pound fish_," Daisuke sang as he drummed his fingers on the table. Spandam facepalmed as Yulia pimp-slapped Daisuke.

"How did I get stuck with you four? And where the hell did CP9 go?" Spandam asked.

"Well, Yukina – I mean, Yulia – is looking for her brother, Daisuke is Yulia's man-bitch, so he had to go with her, I found Gareth loitering outside of a 7-11, and I almost had to work for a gay film producer," Rubio explained. "Now can we go? I just told you the entire 'How We Got Here' Trope so we could prevent an info dump on the readers." (1)

"No! Not until I say 'when'!" Spandam yelled.

"You just said 'when'," Daisuke pointed out.

"Well, you're not leaving," Spandam said.

"But why?! I'm going to miss Adventure Time!" Daisuke whined.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Spandam yelled.

* * *

><p>"Yulia! Gunter the Penguin's preggers!" (2)<p>

The next day, Yulia and Daisuke were shopping at the "Big Four" department stores in Shanghai – Target, Wal-mart, Costco, and K-mart.

"Come on. We have to go buy some pens, because our hotel stopped giving us free pens in our room," Yulia said as she dragged Daisuke away.

"Can't we just break into other rooms and steal their bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and hand lotion, towels, robes, phone books, luggage racks, Bibles, mini-bar items, 'Do not disturb' signs, binders filled with resort activities, emergency procedures, and other stuff, wi-fi access boxes, silverware, plates, cups, dishwashing stuff, microwaves, and paintings?" Daisuke suggested.

"Although you do have a point for once in your life, we're staying at the Best Western, not the Marriott Vacation Club of Shanghai, Circa 1931," Yulia explained. Ajax then flew up to Daisuke and twittered something to him.

"What is it, Ajax?! This better be freaking important! Is the meadow on fire?!" Daisuke cried. Ajax twittered more things that only pigeons could understand. "Aki handcuffed Yuki-Rin to a sofa and forced her to watch an Audrey Hepburn movie marathon with her?! What is this sorcery involving Flogging Molly and pineapples?!"

Ajax shrugged with his wings. Daisuke got out his wallet and handed something to Ajax.

"Ajax, here's a coupon to P.F. Changs. Give it to Enlai, since I have to go to Manchuria to do stuff," Daisuke said before he hugged Ajax and kissed him. "You're such a beautiful pigeon."

Ajax then pimp-slapped Daisuke with his wing.

"Bitch, you'd better get me a Diet Coke," Ajax said before he flew off. Over in Wal-mart, Gareth and Rubio were shopping for ergonomic gaming chairs. But, in reality, they were both watching _My Sister's Keeper_ on one of the flat-screens.

"Oh, for the love of Ronald McDonald! This part always makes cry like a little girl denied tickets to a rave!" Gareth sobbed. Rubio put his arm around Gareth.

"I know, I know. We'll get through it together, man," Rubio sobbed. Gareth's cell phone then rang.

"Fuck you, Daisuke!" Gareth yelled before he answered his phone. "Hello?"

"_It's me, Spandam. We're going to Manchuria, because I heard that the zombie apocalypse is going to start there_." (3)

Miller walked up to Gareth and snatched his cell phone away from him.

"What the hell happened to the Nishio sub-plot?! I was supposed to play this Japanese Communist, and I get written out in favor of Gareth and Rubio watching chick flicks?! The authoress doesn't even like those movies, especially _The Notebook_ and _Breakfast at Tiffany's_! Change it so Rubio and I hash out our differences, or I will not appear in the 75th chapter! Opal, Daiyu, Jin-Mao, Stella-Rondo, Alto, Kazura, Pearl, Lien, and Edmund have threatened to not show up for the upcoming 75th chapter, and I will gladly join them if my wish isn't granted!" Miller yelled to Spandam.

"_We had to cut your scenes out, Miller Pratt. It was due to time constraints and meeting deadlines. Plus, Gypsy Sisters is on in five minutes_."

Miller facepalmed.

"You've got lots of money! You can bribe people to change things!" Miller pointed out.

"_Screw money, I have rules_!"

* * *

><p>Later that day, our four heroes were on the train that was about to leave for Manchuria.<p>

"Auf Wiedersehen, peasants!" Gareth yelled to the people at the train station. Then, he noticed a familiar face in the crowd. "What the hell?! Why is Ageha here?! Shouldn't she be dead or at least in the Witness Protection Program or something?!"

* * *

><p><strong>*Begin Flashback, Two Weeks Ago*<strong>

_Gareth and Ageha were shopping at a Neiman Marcus outlet store._

_"Gareth-kun, buy me this!" Ageha yelled as she waved a parasol in Gareth's face._

_"No. It's way too expensive," Gareth answered bluntly. Ageha smacked Gareth in the face with the parasol._

_"You're buying me this whether you have enough money for a mall pretzel or not!" Ageha yelled._

_"Buy it yourself! We're breaking up!" Gareth yelled before he stormed out of the store. He returned a few seconds later. "Oh, look, I forgot the sample candy."_

_Gareth picked up the free sample chocolates and walked away. Ageha looked down to her parasol._

_"Aishiteru yo, Gareth-kun," Ageha said to herself like a lost weeaboo._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

><p>"Who was that?" Daisuke asked as the train began to move.<p>

"Uhh… Sanji?" Gareth lied. In another train compartment, Sanji sneezed.

"Am I getting sick, or are my allergies acting up?" Sanji asked himself. "I don't think anybody cares."

Some time later, the train arrived in Manchuria.

"Okay, so we're in Manchuria to stop the zombie apocalypse. Now what?" Gareth asked everyone.

"I am defecting from the group for no reason given," Rubio said emotionlessly before he walked away.

"Bye! Take care!" Daisuke yelled as he waved good-bye to Rubio. Daisuke turned to Yulia and Gareth. "He'll be back. Rubio always comes back."

"Yulia! Daisuke! Gareth!"

Then, something began running toward the three. Upon closer inspection, it was Kartik.

"Oh, look! It's Kartik! Maybe he knows what's going on!" Gareth said in wonder. Daisuke began jumping up and down.

"Did he bring Heathcliffe?!" Daisuke yelled.

"You're not a Justin Bieber fanboy. Give it a rest," Gareth explained as Kartik approached them.

"Kartik, care to explain why we're in the middle of China?" Yulia asked. Kartik pushed his glasses up, but someone cut him off.

"Wonderful. Kartik will make perfect breeding stock for the zombie apocalypse."

Ageha approached the three. Daisuke wolf-whistled.

"Oh, shit," Daisuke said under his breath. Ageha got out her whip and whipped Gareth.

"I wrote you every day for 365 days, and you don't –" Ageha yelled before Gareth cut her off.

"Shut the Toaster Strudel! You're not Aki and this isn't that shitty movie known as _The Notebook_!" Gareth pointed out. "There is no way in hell that you will begin the zombie apocalypse!"

Spandam approached the four.

"That's because it was a lie to bring Ageha and Gareth back together," Spandam explained before he walked away. The rest of the Capricorns approached the four.

"Heathcliffe's here. I so called it," Daisuke said.

"I thought I was your best bro!" Gareth cried.

"Well, who doesn't want Heathcliffe's bod –" Daisuke argued before Yulia cleared her throat. "What?! Can't a guy audition for Top Chef without getting stranded in China?!"

"Where's Rubio?" Yulia asked the Capricorns, who grew silent.

"He must be with Sanji," Gareth said. Over in Tianjin, Sanji sneezed.

"Okay, I must be sick. I should call a doctor," Sanji said.

"Doctor Who?" Usopp asked. A laughtrack then went off "Oh, now that was a wonderful joke."

Back in Manchuria…

"So, how do we get home?" Daisuke asked.

"I'll help you. I just got a text from Rubio, and he somehow ended up in Nanjing. Be glad that you have someone from Guanzhou guiding you, or else you'll be lost for days," Enlai explained.

"Wonderful. Let's go get some Jack in the Box," Daisuke said.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>The part about the gay film producer was actually in the first episode of Night Raid 1931. He served no purpose other than to be a side-character.

**(2) - **I was watching Adventure Time while writing this chapter, and it happened to be the episode where the Ice King took Gunter to the vet and Gunter ended up laying an egg.

**(3) - **Since the Second Sino-Japanese War (the subject of Night Raid 1931) is a touchy subject, I had to replace it with the fake zombie apocalypse so I could avoid flames.

**Anyway, we're in the midst of an update spam right now, so review if you want to see me parody other anime, from Kuroshitsuji to Durarara to even Lucky Star.**


	72. The Hipsters Take Valentine's Day

**Author's Note: **Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. I'm off of school for the next four days, and I'm in the middle of an update spam. Perfect. Expect the next chapter either Saturday or Sunday.

Anyway, you've seen those Valentine's Day stories starring the couples. But, what about the hipsters? What do they do when they find romance to be "too mainstream" on this day? You'll see.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Also, this chapter has some spoilers for _Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood_ of all things.**

* * *

><p>It was Valentine's Day afternoon, and the Libras were bored. Since the only couple on the ship was Daiyu and Jin-Mao, everyone got obligation chocolate and gifts.<p>

"Who wants to make another 'Keep Calm and Carry On' poster, since valentines are too mainstream?" Kazura asked everyone.

"I already made another one," Daruma said as he held up a poster that said "Keep Calm and Don't Wear a Shirt".

"Same," Miller answered as he held up a poster that said "Keep Calm Because I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay".

"Me too," Quinn said as she held up a poster that said "Keep Calm and Find my Daughter".

"I think we're going overboard," Edmund said as he held up a poster that said "Keep Calm and Shun the Capricorn Peasants. Except Mother and Father".

"Yeah… We need to stop," Yukari said.

"What are we going to do with all of these posters anyway? These aren't my best work," Stella-Rondo asked everyone.

"How about we pass them out to couples and remind them that they can do other wholesome activities on Valentine's Day that don't involve being mushy?" Kazura suggested. The scene then changed to Miller sitting in front of a camera inside the broom closet of the Coachella.

"Hello, I'm Miller Pratt. You may know me as the lumberjack navigator hipster who is eventually going to replace Teru, but don't tell Soren Sarutobi that. I'm not here to talk about Teru – I'm here to talk about being with your sweetheart on Valentine's Day. Being with your sweetheart on Valentine's Day is out. It's too mainstream. We honestly don't need to see 10x more PDAs during this time of the year. For those couples, I have one piece – get it? – of advice for you – Get a room. And stay in it all day. We don't care about all of your ass-grabbing and tongue-kissing. It's gross," Miller explained to the audience. "Oh, by the way, these things are totally in – Anime, marathoning your favorite shows, parkour, Mumford and Sons, Cajun French, cake pops, sketch comedy anthologies, and biographies of celebrities. You're welcome."

* * *

><p>Some time later, the Libras arrived at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Hotel For Couples, with all of their "Keep Calm and Carry On" posters in tow. Everyone in the building shuddered.<p>

"Where do we start?" Kazura asked.

"We should start by looking for Teru. She mysteriously disappeared sometime after Miller went into the broom closet to make his recording," Yukari pointed out.

"One question – Did Miller make any mention of Soren?" Kazura asked.

"Probably, since Miller's a navigator," Yukari answered. Kazura facepalmed.

"Who wants to break up a couple on Valentine's Day?" Kazura asked the Libras.

"You know, had Uncle Soren and Aunt Teru not married, you wouldn't know about 95% percent of us," Lien explained.

"Lien, shut up," Kazura said. "I know you don't want to be at this hotel - *shudder* - but we must do our job."

"For science," Monet – who was dressed as a mailman – added as she walked by.

"So, where do we start?" Kazura asked.

"Didn't you just ask that?" Rhett asked Kazura.

"We got side-tracked," Kazura answered. "Anyway, let's split up. These posters can't pass themselves out."

With Kazura's words echoing in the Libra's minds, they all split up and went into separate elevators.

"Oi! You need to be hotel guests to use those elevators!" Prince Fukaboshi yelled to the people in the first elevator, which consisted of Miller, Edmund, Beau, Jin-Mao, Stella-Rondo, and Opal.

"Fuck your couch!" Jin-Mao yelled as he pressed the "Close the elevator doors" button. "What floor? Pick a number between 1 and 35."

"Three," Everyone else in the elevator said. Jin-Mao pushed the button, and the elevator rose. When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Miller, Edmund, Beau, Jin-Mao, Stella-Rondo, and Opal found themselves inside of a large conference hall. Currently, many people were attending a lecture sponsored by… The Learning Annex.

"No! Not the Learning Annex!" Jin-Mao yelled. On the stage, Boa Hancock was dancing on a stripper pole.

"_I'm as free as my hair_!" Hancock sang as she twirled around her stripper pole and licked it. Closing his eyes, Jin-Mao went back into the elevator and rapidly pressed a button.

"You idiot! That's the button to open the elevator door!" Miller cried before he looked back into the lecture hall. "Hancock, what are you doing?! Hancock, put down those Pokémon plushies! Hancock, stahp!"

Scarred for life, the group pressed the button that closed the elevator doors.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Pearl and Lien were getting off of the elevator on the seventh floor. When they were about to step into the hallway, Law stopped them, two Ionic Breeze air filters in his arms.<p>

"Hey, do you want some Ironic Breezes?" Law asked Pearl and Lien.

"Don't you mean 'Ionic Breeze'? I've seen those informercials a lot when I was little, so I know its name," Lien explained.

"No, they're called 'Ironic Breezes'. They're air purifiers for hipsters like yourselves," Law explained. Lien and Pearl looked to each other for answers.

"We're going. For a hipster, you're kind of sketchy," Lien said before he and Pearl went back into the elevator. But, Daisuke and Gareth were already in their elevator. The both of them had set up a blanket fort and they were eating Girl Scout cookies and watching _Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood_.

"Uhh…" Was all Pearl could manage to say.

"Shh! My favorite part is coming up! It's where the protagonist's love interest tells her that he's going to be a pilot in World War II and –" Daisuke explained before Lien cut him off.

"No spoilers!" Lien yelled before he escorted his sister away from the hipster salesman and the two Capricorns.

"Thin Mint?" Gareth asked Law.

"Ironic Breeze?" Law asked Gareth and Daisuke.

* * *

><p>On the floor below, Yukari and Kazura were delivering their posters.<p>

"'Keep Calm and Throw Oysters at Haters'? Sounds legit," Kureha remarked as she read her Keep Calm and Carry On poster.

"Our chef, Fernando, made it. His grandma kind of… Egged him on, since she was drunk," Yukari explained.

"Oi, Kureha, do we need the hand lotion?!" Chessmarimo called out from inside the room. Sweatdropping, Yukari and Kazura ran for it.

"See, this is why I hate Valentine's Day," Kazura said. "Can we just make Valentine's Day a holiday to learn about Saint Valentine and other saints and not about love?"

"I'm with you on that," Yukari said as they approached a room with the door semi-open. Curious, Yukari and Kazura entered, only to see Soren and Teru – who were both naked under the sheets covering them – making-out. Yukari and Kazura screamed.

"What is – Yukari?! Kazura?!" Teru cried as she wrapped herself up with the Modesty Bedsheet. With trembling hands, Yukari picked up a poster.

"HappyValentine'sDay!Havethisposter!" Yukari yelled before throwing the poster to the couple and running off.

* * *

><p>That evening, the Libras returned to the Coachella.<p>

"Daiyu! Never take me to a Learning Annex lecture!" Jin-Mao sobbed as he clung to Daiyu's Hetalia T-shirt. "The things I saw there made me want to cry!"

"You're already crying," Daiyu pointed out.

"Hey, what kind of people did you guys have to deliver posters to? I got to deliver my poster to a skeleton!" Beau asked Yukari and Kazura, who looked up.

"Never ask us that again," Kazura bluntly stated before he went back to eating his applesauce.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>If you're curious, here are all of the pairings I ship.

**One Piece: Sanji x Robin, Law x Bonney, and Ace x Vivi (On occasion)**

**Homestuck: Karkat x Terezi (Matespiritship) and Cronus x Meenah (Moiralligence)**

**Hetalia: Austria x Hungary, England x America (On occasion), and England x Prussia (On occasion)**

**D. Gray-man: Allen x Lenalee, Tyki Mikk x Lulubell, and Lavi x Kanda (On occasion)**

_**The Hunger Games**_**: Finnick x Annie**

**Fairy Tail: Gray x Erza**

**One Piece: Parallel Works: Yuki-Rin x Kazuma, Heathcliffe x Aki, and Holden x Hana**

**One Piece: Parallel Generations: Daiyu x Jin-Mao, Edmund x Yukari (On occasion), Alto x Stella-Rondo (Nakamaship) and Miller x Opal (On occasion).**

**Anyway, review if you want to see the hipsters of One Piece celebrate Christmas, Easter, and Guy Fawkes Day (It's an obscure holiday you don't know about).**


	73. Behind the Scenes Time!

**Author's Note:** Want to know what the other Capricorns were doing during the last arc of **One Piece: Parallel Works **while Yuki-Rin and Kazuma were gone? Here's what they did, in excruciating detail.

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own anything.**

* * *

><p>Since the last chapter was all about the Libras, this chapter is all about the Capricorns and how they planned Yuki-Rin's surprise birthday party in the latest arc of <strong>One Piece: Parallel Works<strong>.

"Okay, bitches, they're gone," Enlai announced as Yuki-Rin and Kazuma left for the Ritz-Carlton in Hawaii – I mean, a bed and breakfast.

"Perfect. Does this mean we can expect another _Rad Bromance_ chapter?" Yulia asked.

"We just had a Rad Bromance chapter. The authoress needs to start working on part two of _Homestuck Time_ soon," Wolfgang explained. Hana facepalmed.

"And, there goes the fourth wall," Hana said to herself.

"Now wh4t?" Blaise asked everyone. Everyone looked to Blaise, looking for answers as to why he was speaking in Terezi Pyrope's Pesterchum typing quirk.

"_Give me your heart and your soul_!" Wolfgang sang. Everyone grew silent.

"When in doubt, Torchwood babies!" Hana yelled as she pulled up the Torchwood Babies comic on Wolfgang's iPad.

"Well, then… Everyone, start working. If you need to buy Yuki-Rin a present, get out before I show you all of the Captain Jack and Ianto sex scenes," Wolfgang demanded. "Oh, and the following Capricorns have callback auditions for Bon Kurei's version of Torchwood: Miracle Day – Soren as Captain Jack Harkness, Matsu as Gwen Cooper, Daisuke as Owen Harper, Hana as Toshiko 'Tosh' Sato, and Gareth as Ianto Jones."

Soren, Matsu, Daisuke, Hana, and Gareth grew silent. Soren raised his hand.

"Does this mean I have to cheat on my wife in order to [cow moos] Gareth?" Soren asked. Twenty years into the future, the Libras were watching T.V., when Teru sneezed.

"Sweet! Torchwood is on!" Daiyu said as she changed it to BBC Grand Line.

"No! Let's watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic instead!" Teru cried.

"Yeah, Daiyu! I wanna see Derpy Hooves!" Jin-Mao said in agreement. Daiyu sighed as she changed the channel to an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

"At least Doctor Whooves is in this episode…" Daiyu said to herself.

Back with the Capricorns, Hana was making the birthday cake.

"_Cooking is so fun, cooking is so fun. Now it's time to take a break and see what we have done_," Hana sang to herself as she pulled a plush doll of Chiyo Mihama's cat dad from out of the fridge. "Yay! It's ready!"

The Sarutobi brothers – who were in the room – sweatdropped.

"Hana, I think you're watching too much Azumanga Daioh, just saying," Holden said.

"I saw you watch Azumanga Daioh with Yuki-Rin," Soren told Holden.

"Shut up. Chiyo Mihama is a smart girl," Holden said as his grip tightened on a Chiyo Mihama plush doll.

"I'm sorry, but what we're doing isn't cooking at all," Hana told the Sarutobi boys. Holden stood up.

"I'll help you!" Holden said as he put on an apron. "Heathcliffe, Soren, aren't you two going to help?"

A few minutes later, the Sarutobi brothers were now fighting and throwing around cake batter, frosting, and flour.

"Hana, help me!" Holden yelled as Soren poured the remaining cake batter onto his head. "No! Not my hair!"

"My hair's better than yours!" Soren yelled.

"You're only saying that because you're blonde!" Holden yelled.

"Aki fucking loves my hair! I even let her wash it sometimes!" Heathcliffe yelled. Holden turned to Hana.

"Hana, out of the three of us, who has the best hair?" Holden asked.

"Obviously, Holden – despite dying his front bangs blue religiously - has the best hair. It's so soft and thick," Hana answered.

"You're only saying that because Holden's your boyfriend!" Heathcliffe cried. With a shrug, Hana began making-out with Holden.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Yulia, Daisuke, Gareth, and Rubio were in Target, shopping for food (and a present in Daisuke's case).<p>

"Yulia, can I get Yuki-Rin this salad?" Daisuke asked as he held up a packaged salad.

"I already called 'dibs' on that," Sanji said as he walked by the four. Yulia took a gift card from a nearby rack and gave it to Daisuke.

"Just give her this so we can leave and do other stuff," Yulia said.

"Five hundred dollars to Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Hot Springs Resort?" Daisuke said to himself. The group of four shuddered.

"Yeah. You're better off getting her a McDonald's gift card," Rubio explained.

* * *

><p>The next day, Garp returned Yulia, Daisuke, Gareth, and Rubio to the Hyperion.<p>

"Thanks for bringing us home, mister," Daisuke thanked Garp.

"It's okay, son. Just don't steal My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic merchandise from me ever again," Garp said as he ruffled Daisuke's hair. "Now, if you'll need me, there's a Fluttershy fanboy that needs cheering up."

Garp walked away. Yulia, Daisuke, Rubio, and Gareth walked over to the couch, where Enlai was on his phone, a Chinese takeout menu in his lap.

"Yeah, I'd like to order the party pack for thirty-six. Uh-huh. No, there are no food allergies that I know of that are present in my party. We'll have the orange chicken, the sweet-and-sour pork, the General Tso's chicken, the Szechuan beef, the dim sum, the baozi, the fried rice, the eight treasures vegetable dish, the cashew chicken salad, the beef and broccoli, the tofu, the spring rolls, the egg foo young, the shrimp, the noodles, the winter melon soup, the crab rangoons, the sweet-and-sour spare ribs, the Peaking duck, the vegetable bowl, the lo mein, the chow mein, the stir-fry, the red bean mooncakes, and the fortune cookies," Enlai said into his phone as he read from a Chinese takeout menu. "This will be a to-go meal. Could you place my order under the name 'Wolfgang Katsuragi'? Thank you!"

Enlai hung up.

"Oi! How much money did you jack from me?!" Wolfgang yelled from across the room.

"We'll find out when we pick up the meal!" Enlai yelled back before he turned to Daisuke. "Where the divorce court were you guys? You've been gone for a whole day."

"Long story short, a riot broke out at the mall over a sale on kitchen supplies at Macy's," Daisuke explained. "Oh, and I may or may not have to stand trial at the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic courthouse."

"Did Garp arrange the trial?" Enlai asked.

"Obviously. If it has to do with ponies, Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village - *shudder* -, or both, it's Garp," Gareth answered. Enlai sighed as he pocketed his phone.

"Well, don't bother dwelling on it. We have a surprise party to conduct tonight. Worry about it in your dreams-within-dreams or something," Enlai explained.

"Just like in _Inception_," Daisuke said.

And, so, Yuki-Rin's party went without a hitch. However, she didn't know all of the crack involved in planning it.

Ignorance is bliss, especially in regards to crack.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see birthday parties for Usopp, Law, and even Garp's My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic-themed party!<strong>


	74. The Most Popular Girls in School

**Author's Note:** I spent most of last night watching "The Most Popular Girls in School" on Youtube, which inspired this story. I cranked 75% of this out last night, since it's too much fun writing Doflamingo and Crocodile as schoolgirls.

Yes, Crocodile and Doflamingo as schoolgirls. Also, all of the characters in this oneshot are high schoolers, except for Law and Moria.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or The Most Popular Girls in School.**

* * *

><p>It was another day at Grand Line High School, and two of the "Most Popular Girls in School", Doflamingo and Crocodile, were in the popular girl's bathroom.<p>

"Oh, my Guanzhou, China! Isn't Heathcliffe Sarutobi so fucking hot?!" Crocodile gushed.

"That is so fetch!" Doflamingo answered.

"His brother, Holden, isn't bad either. Then again… God, their brother, Soren, is so hot!" Crocodile gushed.

"Like, Sexiest Man Alive. Am I right?!" Doflamingo said. "Suck my non-existant orange Creamsicle, 'Black Leg' Sanji!"

"And that Jin-Mao Xiang boy?! He showed me his Pokémon cards!" Crocodile said with glee. Doflamingo screamed like a girl.

"Well, make me a sandwich! You can't have Jin-Mao Xiang without Edmund Abingdon, Kazura Miyafuji or even Locke Sarutobi! Hell, even Miller Pratt, the head of the school's Lumberjack Society, will do!" Doflamingo yelled. Mihawk – the new student – entered the bathroom.

"Who the hell are you?" Crocodile asked.

"Yeah! Who the hell are you?!" Doflamingo asked.

"I'm Dracule Mihawk. I moved here from New Mexico," Mihawk explained.

"Like, this is, like, Beverly Hills! Adapt or do something else, biatch!" Doflamingo yelled.

"Can I just use the bathroom? I don't need a crazy pimp in a pink pimp coat yelling at me," Mihawk asked. Crocodile sighed.

"Go right ahead," Crocodile said as he motioned to the nearest stall. Mihawk said nothing as he entered said stall and locked the door. "Bitch."

"Yeah. Bitch, you don't touch the Lumberjack Society," Doflamingo added as he snapped his fingers in an infinity position. "Wait, we have a Lumberjack Society? In Beverly Hills? Shut up!"

* * *

><p>Over in the boys' locker room, the boys' mock Hunger Games team, clad in only towels, were about to shower after practice. The team consisted of twelve of the hottest boys as the male Tributes – Heathcliffe Sarutobi (District 1), Kazuma Miyafuji (District 2), Wolfgang Katsuragi (District 3), "Black Leg" Sanji (District 4), Rubio Lindocruz (District 5), Enlai Li (District 6), Miller Pratt (District 7), Gareth Archer (District 8), Mikuri Matsumoto (District 9), Portgas D. Ace (District 10), Arvin Pinark (District 11), and Holden Sarutobi (District 12).<p>

"Hey there, bitches," Spandam, the guy playing Seneca Crane in the mock Hunger Games, said as he entered the locker room. The 12 Tributes sweatdropped.

"Why is the authoress calling us Tributes now?" Enlai whispered to Miller.

"Just be quiet and don't mention Nico Robin," Miller whispered back.

"What?! Robin went to Hawaii when?!" Spandam cried. The twelve boys in towels facepalmed.

"Spandam, leave now. We have showers to take, and we don't want you creeping around," Sanji bluntly told Spandam.

"But, I just want to be your bro!" Spandam argued. Mikuri facepalmed.

"Oh, for the love of Sessue Hayakawa," Mikuri muttered under his breath before he turned to Spandam. "Don't you have the school security guards to harass right now?"

"Screw my security guards, I have money!" Spandam yelled.

"They're not your security guards. They're part of the student security force, so they're Sengoku's kids," Kazuma explained. "Now, if you excuse me, I would love to take a shower. I have an Old Spice commercial I have to recite by five."

* * *

><p>In the cafeteria, Mihawk was getting his lunch.<p>

"Do you have any meatloaf?" Mihawk asked lunchlady Moria.

"No. We have meat substitute loaf," Moria answered.

"Sloppy Joes?"

"Are you kidding me? I don't even like those."

"Mystery meat that caused ten of my classmates in chemistry to go to the hospital just now?"

"Sorry, the Board of Health just shut us down! Go to McDonald's!" Moria yelled before he ran off. Mihawk sweatdropped as he picked up a carton of chocolate milk.

"Oh, hey, n00b!"

Doflamingo and Crocodile approached Mihawk.

"Oh, it's those guys from the bathroom," Mihawk said casually as he sat down.

"Would you like to help us take down our worst enemy, Sabo?" Crocodile asked.

"I could care less," Mihawk said blankly as he filed his nails in a fabublous manner.

"Do you accept Poland from Hetalia as your Sassy, Gay Friend for life?" Doflamingo asked Mihawk.

"I don't watch your so-called 'animu'," Mihawk answered.

"Just help us ruin Sabo's life so he can work at Wal-mart for life!" Crocodile yelled.

"Why does this concern me?" Mihawk asked.

"Why do you have to be as bitchy as Sabo? It's like you're siding against him," Doflamingo asked.

"I actually sided with Sabo earlier. We're lab partners in chemistry," Mihawk explained. Crocodile and Mihawk grew pale.

"Oh, no, you didn't!" Crocodile and Doflamingo yelled.

"_Oh, no, you didn't! Oh, no, you didn't! Oh, no, you didn't! Oh, no, you didn't! Didn't you, oh, no?! You didn't pay me what you owe me! So, now it's over for you_!" All of the cafeteria sang, except for Mihawk.

"Thank you, Friends of David Tennant Fangirls Club!" Doflamingo yelled as he climbed onto a table and began doing the Harlem Shake. "Yeah! _Everybody, in the house of love_!"

Mihawk said nothing as he got up and left the cafeteria.

"Wait! You were going to help us cheerleaders!" Doflamingo yelled to Mihawk.

"Didn't I see you and Crocodile in an episode of When Cheerleaders Attack?" Nami asked. Doflamingo's face darkened.

"You sit on an Iron Throne of lies. Not even Joffery Baratheon would sit on it," Doflamingo said darkly.

* * *

><p>The next day, Mihawk and Sabo were in chemistry class.<p>

"So, how are you getting back at Crocodile and Doflamingo and what do I have to do with this?" Mihawk asked Sabo.

"Because you're the new kid, duh!" Sabo answered. "Also, wait until Professor Law opens the fridge."

Law then opened the fridge to retrieve a yogurty drink several of the hipster students were talking about. Instead, some sort of mist came out of the fridge.

"What in the name of Joanna Newsom?!" Law cried. A few minutes later, the entire school was evacuated so the freeon gas could clear.

"As soon as the freeon gas clears, I'll get my hat and we'll hit the town," Sabo told Mihawk.

"Don't we have to go to the obligatory pep rally?" Mihawk asked. "Also, how is this going to ruin Crocodile and Doflamingo?"

"Because the freeon gas will destroy the stuff they need for the rally," Sabo answered.

"Freeon gas doesn't destroy anything, Sabo-ya. Fifty points from Gryffindor," Law said before he walked away.

"Fish sticks," Sabo swore.

"So, now what?" Mihawk asked as he sat down.

"We don't do anything. Just sit here and wait until we go to class," Sabo answered.

"_Attention, students! The freeon gas is so bad, so we're cancelling school for the rest of the day! Have a nice afternoon_!"

Doflamingo and Crocodile screamed.

"Like, oh, my God! We were supposed to, like, debut our cheerleading routine today!" Doflamingo cried. Crocodile threw his hook to the ground and stomped on it.

"If I find the jackass who is responsible for this, I will sue them!" Crocodile yelled.

"Actually, my fridge malfunctioned," Law explained. Crocodile glared at Law.

"You [City of Fresno, California]," Crocodile said darkly. "I will [Chicken and waffles] you!"

Sabo turned to Mihawk.

"Looks like my plan worked too well…" Sabo said nervously. "I say, anyone for tennis?"

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: We've got the 75th chapter coming up next chapter, so review if you want to see that!<strong>


	75. The Kingdom of Portlandia

**Author's Note:** Happy 75th chapter, everyone! 75 chapters of wonderful, marvelous crack! To celebrate, I wrote a chapter with all of the major themes of this fic - Hipsters, musical numbers, pop culture references, Heathcliffe Sarutobi, and crack all around! Let the good times roll!

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorns and Libras.**

* * *

><p>Once upon a time, there were two kingdoms in the East Blue - Torchwood and Portlandia. Torchwood was the more debauched of the two kingdoms, and it was led by Queen Nami. Portlandia, on the other hand, was a nation filled with hipsters, and it was led by "Royal Hipster Consort" Trafalgar Law, since being a king was too mainstream. All was tense between the two kingdoms, since Nami wanted to invade Portlandia and make it her colony.<p>

"Nami, what have we taught you in World History? Imperalism is racist, Nami. I think you should give up," Jango - Nami's tutor, hypnotist, and personal Michael Jackson impersonator - suggested.

"Screw the rules, I have more money than Meenah Peixes!" Nami yelled before she snapped her fingers. "Guards! Take this man away!"

Katniss Everdeen from _The Hunger Games _and Ianto Jones from Torchwood entered the room.

"Where do you want him?" Ianto asked. Nami smirked.

"Captain Jack Harkness' house. He'd make a great house plant."

"Noooo!" Jango yelled as Katniss and Ianto dragged him away. Nami's royal economist, Apis, then entered the room.

"Nami, are you ready to take over Portlandia?" Apis asked.

"I have to. Portlandia isn't badass. Plus, where's the free love that Captain Jack Harkness teaches us?" Nami explained.

"Your version of free love is warped. Go watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic," Apis bluntly told Nami.

"You're only seven. Why the kiwi should I take orders from you?!" Nami asked Apis.

"You're just jealous that Ianto [Bleep]ed Captain Jack! You're also jealous that Owen also [Bleep]ed Captain Jack!" Apis yelled back. Nami grew pale.

"Go get the Capricorns. They're going to go to Portlandia to spy on the hipster prince," Nami said bitterly.

"Yes, ma'am!" Apis said before she left the room. Apis returned a few seconds later. "Oh, and delete your internet history."

* * *

><p>In the dining room of Nami's palace, the Capricorns - who were wearing badass clothing residents of Torchwood were required to wear - were eating a large feast. Nami's other subjects, Luffy, Zoro, Usopp, Sanji, Chopper, Vivi, Ace, Sabo, Kaya, Robin, Franky, and Brook, joined them.<p>

"And, so then I went, 'Red Vines - What the hell can't they do'?" Sanji said, finishing up a rather dry and humorless story. Everyone laughed.

"Oh, that was so super fetch!" Franky yelled. Apis then entered the room.

"It's time to take over the world!" Apis yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"She means that it's time for us to go to Portlandia to spy on everyone," Usopp told everyone.

"Well, suit up! Meet me in the main hall in thirty!" Yuki-Rin commanded.

* * *

><p>Over in Portlandia, Royal Hipster Consort Trafalgar Law was mulling about something, since brooding is too mainstream. His subjects, the Libras, Bonney, Monet, Doflamingo, and Caesar Clown, entered the room.<p>

"Law, why are you so sad? Are both weekends of Coachella sold out?" Bonney asked Law.

"No. There's still live streaming on Youtube," Law said blankly.

"Did Bepo have to go back to the zoo to get his shots?" Monet asked. Without a word, Law got up.

"Pack up the Prius van. We're going to go to Torchwood," Law said without any emotion.

"Law, you think Torchwood is too mainstream. Take us to the thrift shop," Bonney explained.

"No. Thrift shops got too mainstream after that _Thrift Shop _song," Law explained. Bonney sighed as Yukari put her hand on Bonney's shoulder.

"It's just a phase, Bonney. Law will be back at the local thrift shop within the week," Yukari explained.

"That is, if we win this supposed war against Torchwood," Alton added. Caesar screamed like a little girl.

"Oh, my stars! Whatever shall we do?!" Caesar cried. Edmund pointed to Caesar.

"You. Go make the cupcakes," Edmund demanded. Caesar then put his hair in pigtails.

"I do what I want, biatch! I want my pineapple hamburgers!" Caesar yelled as he began breakdancing on the floor. Lien began throwing money to Caesar as a few others were clapping. "I am the Banana King of the Fillet-O-Fish Pirates!"

Law and Bonney facepalmed.

"Is it too early to say that 'I am so done'?" Bonney asked. Law then got out an unlit cigarette and put it between his lips. Monet started to cry.

"Augustus Waters!" Monet sobbed. Cleo then started to cry.

"Cronus Ampora!" Cleo sobbed. Then, Bonney started to cry. (1)

"Hipster blogs on Tumblr that were taken down!" Bonney sobbed. Law facepalmed.

"Farce comedy at its finest," Edmund told Rhett, who turned to the audience.

"It's not a farce without some type of social commentary about these two ruiling kingdoms. I mean, look at _Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe_. Sure, we all enjoyed the books and the movie, but, to me, it provided some great commentary about facist and totalitarian states and the resistance cells that seek to bring them down," Rhett explained to the audience. "To me, I found _The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_'s plot comparable to the early days of the Second Sino-Japanese War, where resistance cells in Shanghai sprung up to bring down the Imperial Japanese Army."

"Okay, so I waited until mother and father went back to Torchwood and the Capricorns to watch the movie _Lust, Caution_. Putting all of the resistance cell stuff and the NC-17 subject matter aside - and, yes, I am nineteen, so I can see the movie without consequence -, I could not stop thinking about the politics of _The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_ while I watched _Lust, Caution_. When the movie ended, I was all, 'This is what happens when the White Witch finds out about Edmund, Peter, Susan, and Lucy's resistance cell. They die'. I think we should have a double-feature movie night - _Lust, Caution _followed by _The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe_. Maybe we could make it public so we could raise money for the anti-Torchwood resistance cell," Edmund ranted. "Speaking of resistance cells, has the resistance cell started?"

"It starts when Caesar-ya stops doing drugs!" Law yelled.

"No, Caesar, drugs are bad!" Doflamingo yelled to the scientist.

"It's for science, you monster!" Caesar argued. Law turned to Alto.

"Alto-ya, I need your medicine bag. Don't ask questions, just give me the bag," Law stated.

"I don't have a medicine bag. Those are for girls," Alto explained.

"Then, I assume that dying your hair blue is for girls," Law said. Alto crossed his arms like a diva.

"Like, you totally haven't seen _The Cider House Rules_!" Alto yelled like a Valley Girl.

"Like, shut up! I love that movie!" Law yelled like a Valley Girl. Yukari, Kazura, and Bonney facepalmed.

"Can we be done now?" Kazura asked Bonney.

* * *

><p>At the border of Torchwood and Portlandia, Nami and her army were waiting for Law's army. To pass the time, they sang along to Cobra Starship songs.<p>

"_You make me feel that  
>La la la la la<br>You make me feel so  
>La la la la la<br>You make me feel _-" The Straw Hats, Ace, Vivi, Sabo, Kaya, and the Capricorns sang before somebody cut off the music.

"Stop right there, traitors!"

Caesar, the Libras, Bonney, Monet, and Law approached the group. Nami laughed at how little their army was.

"That's it?!" Nami yelled before she snapped her fingers. "Capricorns, bathe them and clothe them in Armani Exchange. We're taking them to the casinos!"

"Homestuck!"

Doflamingo then arrived on the scene on a jet ski.

"Why is this happening?" Nami asked.

"Uhh... Wow. I am never putting siracha on ANYTHING again," Sanji commented in surprise. Then, smoke filled the area. When it cleared, Law, Kazura, Caesar, and Doflamingo were standing on a makeshift stage, wearing clothing boy bands would wear. Behind them was Bepo, who was sitting behind a DJ table.

"I don't know what just happened, but somebody better have a good explanation," Monet said to everyone.

"Booze!" Thierry slurred from the confused crowd.

My SUPAH cola!" Franky yelled. Nami sighed.

"Make this quick, we have a country to invade," Nami stated. Then, the music began.

"_You cast a spell on me, spell on me  
>You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me<br>And I decided you look well on me, well on me  
>So let's go somewhere no one else can see, you and me<em>," Law sang.

"_Turn the lights out now  
>Now I'll take you by the hand<br>Hand you another drink  
>Drink it if you can<br>Can you spend a little time,  
>Time is slipping away,<br>Away from us so stay,  
>Stay with me I can make,<br>Make you glad you came_," Kazura sang.

"_The sun goes down  
>The stars come out<br>And all that counts  
>Is here and now<br>My universe will never be the same  
>I'm glad you came<br>I'm glad you came_," Caesar, Law, Doflamingo, and Kazura sang as they did some half-hearted attempts at dancing.

"I am so done!" Edmund yelled before he stormed off.

"What in the name of Akira Kurosawa?!" Ace cried. Then, Chopper began to freak dance to the music.

"What, what, WHAT are you doing, Chopper?!" Miller yelled like the Sassy, Gay Friend.

"He's immensely enjoying this music. Aren't we all, Lumberjack Hipster-san?" Robin asked Miller.

"_No future for yooooouuuuuu!_" Monet sang as she pointed to Miller, Robin, and Chopper.

"I'm a lumberjack hipster, and what is this?" Miller asked. The music stopped as Smoker and Tashigi took the stage. The both of them were dressed as lawyers.

"Hi, kids! Today, we're going to talk to you about democracy in monarchy-run nations!" Tashigi said enthusiastically.

"Fuck you! Martin Freeman won a BAFTA!" Hana yelled. Doflamingo then put on a nice hat.

"Lock your doors at night! Heathcliffe Sarutobi is coming for you!" Doflamingo yelled before he ran off. Then, everyone transformed into clones of Heathcliffe. Except Heathcliffe.

"'Sup?" Heathcliffe asked his clones.

"We made you, child," The Heathcliffe clones droned. Then, Bonney awoke on her ship.

"Wow. That dream was so ironic, surreal, and audacious," Bonney said to herself before she got a "great idea". "I know! I should make a movie about it! I'll take Cannes by storm!"

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Both Cronus from Homestuck and Augustus from _The Fault in Our Stars _are frond of putting unlit cigarettes in their mouths.

**Review if you want this fic to reach a hundred chapters of crack!**


	76. Usoppnocchio

**Author's Note:** I am so sorry for the long delay with this fic. I've been watching the new Swimming Anime, and it's so good! By far, Tsundere is my favorite character! I really can't wait for the next episode where the boys go to the hot springs!

I'm kidding. The Swimming Anime was just a commercial for a Japanese T.V. station. Have a parody of _Pinocchio _in the mean time.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _Pinocchio, I'm on a Boat_, or the Swimming Anime.**

* * *

><p>Once upon a time, there lived an exposition fairy named Shanks.<p>

"I thought we went over this! I was supposed to be the Nutella salesman, the cat video watcher, and Rupert Graves!" Shanks yelled.

"Rupert Graves is good at football and has five children!" Beckmann yelled back. (1)

"Why isn't this the Swimming Anime?!" Shanks cried.

"Don't remind me about the Swimming Anime! Hana's already shipping the characters!" Aria cried from backstage. Holden then walked up to Shanks, looking beat-up.

"I told Hana that the Swimming Anime doesn't exist," Holden said. Bepo then appeared with a chainsaw.

"Swimming Anime exists!" Bepo screamed loudly. The scene then paused.

"_Due to the hot and sexy nature of the following scene, we have decided not to show it. Why? The boys from the Swimming Anime just arrived. They are - No, Hana, you can't make Heathcliffe, Kazuma, Gareth, and Daisuke cosplay as the guys! That is just wrong on so many levels!_"

"Long live the Swimming Anime!" Hana, Aurelia, Yuki-Rin, Nami, Bon Kurei, Ivankov, Inazuma, Chopper, Brook, Franky, Robin, Wenqing, Lin, Dalton, Bellamy, Tashigi, Hina, Quinn, Cleo, Teru, Isabella, Penguin, Sachi, Opal, Erika, Apis, Urouge, Hawkins, X. Drake, and Woop Slap yelled.

* * *

><p>Putting the Swimming Anime aside, Yasopp was a puppeteer who just finished building an Usopp puppet.<p>

"I miss my son too much. Is it creepy that I made a puppet of him and I want it to be human?" Yasopp said to himself. Then, the Usopp puppet came to life.

"I can has cheeseburger?" Usopp asked Yasopp. Yasopp's eyes shone like a million uke sparkles.

"_In just seven days, I can make you a man!_" Yasopp sang. Usopp sweatdropped.

"Why is Doflamingo controlling me?" Usopp asked.

"Because you're a puppet! He's paying me with gum, bacon, and Dom Peringnon for the filming period of this chapter!" Yasopp explained. Confident that there were no Weeping Angels in the room, Usopp blinked. (2)

"When can I turn into a human boy?" Usopp asked.

"When they start selling Homestuck merchandise at Hot Topic!" Yasopp answered. "Oh, by the way, your conscience fairies are here. They represent your conscience. No, you are not doing drugs."

The Libras entered the room.

"Hi. We think the Swimming Anime is too mainstream," Yukari said with a wave.

"We like the Australian Rules Football Anime more," Kazura explained. A few minutes later, everyone was seated around the T.V. watching Australian Rules Football. (3)

"Did that guy just get sent to the hospital?!" Edmund cried.

"I think he did. I see the stretcher," Usopp answered. Then, screaming came from the television.

"Son, is it too late to change the channel to The Real Housewives of the Swimming Anime?" Yasopp asked Usopp. Stella-Rondo flipped over the table.

"Do not want!" Stella-Rondo yelled before she changed the channel to Bob Ross' painting show. Immediately, Stella-Rondo calmed down. "Yes. The happy trees are happy."

Usopp and Yasopp sweatdropped.

"I force everyone to watch The Joy of Painting when they get too agitated," Alto explained with an evil smirk.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras and Usopp were walking to school.<p>

"I am fifty and going to school. What is this?" Alton asked everyone.

"It says here on my school schedule that you teach my robotics class," Usopp explained as he showed his class schedule to Alton.

"No. You're quitting the pool cleaning team," Alton said.

"Who put you on the pool cleaning team? This isn't the Swimming Anime!" Edmund asked Usopp.

"That's because I personally reccommended little Usopp for the pool cleaning team."

Moria stepped out from the shadows.

"I thought you were in sex rehab," Cleo pointed out.

"They let me leave for a while so I could take a walk! Little do they know, I'm buying porn!" Moria explained. "Oh, and Usopp has a summons to go to Pleasure Island. He's skipping school for the day."

"Sir, you can't do that. Usopp needs to go to school, or else Child Protective Services will arrest Yasopp," Fernando pointed out.

"And why am I listening to a fifteen-year old boy?!" Moria yelled as he grabbed Usopp. "Come along, boy. You'll get to be in the Swimming Anime just like all of the boys on Pleasure Island."

"But, I don't want to be a pimp, shota, tsundere, OR sempai!" Usopp cried.

"Screw money, I have rules!" Moria yelled.

* * *

><p>Some time later, the Libra males snuck onto the boat going to Pleasure Island. The female Libras couldn't come, since Pleasure Island was for boys only.<p>

"Okay, I think we need a distraction so we can find Usopp and get him off of the boat," Jin-Mao explained.

"And that involves?" Kazura asked. Jin-Mao cleared his throat.

"Oh, shit! It's about to go down! Everybody in this place hit the fucking deck! But, stay on your motherfucking toes! We running this, let's go!" Jin-Mao yelled. Edmund sighed as he buried his head in his hands.

"Not _I'm on a Boat_... Any song but _I'm on a Boat_..." Edmund said to himself as half of the boat recited the lyrics to _I'm on a Boat_.

"I found Usopp."

Beau walked onto the deck, dragging Usopp by his nose.

"Now what?" Locke asked everyone.

"Get everyone to stop singing this song!" Edmund yelled.

"We can't! We need to distract the future swimmers!" Rhett yelled back. Kazura massaged his temples.

"Can we hurry this up?! We need to return Usopp to Yasopp by nine!" Kazura yelled.

"How do we get back to wherever the hell this parody is set?!" Miller asked everyone.

"You're the navigator! Get us there!" Kazura yelled. Several recitings of _I'm on a Boat _later, the Libras and Usopp returned to Yasopp's house.

"Glad that's over," Usopp said before his nose grew. "What?! Are my bad joints acting up and telling me it's going to rain?!"

"Actually, we forgot to tell you that your nose grows every time you lie," Stella-Rondo explained.

"It's not really a lie. For all we know, this oneshot could be over by now," Lien explained.

"Shut up, Lien," Stella-Rondo said. "Usopp needs to become a boy."

"For all we know, Doflamingo could be -" Lien said before Stella-Rondo bitch-slapped Lien with an art canvas. "An art canvas?! Why the Hunger Games are you using AN ART CANVAS as a weapon?!"

"Yasopp had one," Stella-Rondo answered with a shrug. Usopp's nose then shrank.

"Now what? In the words of Terezi Pyrope," Usopp asked.

"For the love of all steampunk jellyfish candles, do not put channel 4 on," Aleksander explained.

"Fish fingers and custard you! I want to watch Game of Thrones!" Usopp yelled before he changed the channel on the T.V.

"_If you're just joining us, we're following breaking news. A man who calls himself 'Yasopp' has been swallowed by a giant-ass whale named Laboon._"

Usopp turned to the Libras.

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" Usopp asked.

"Why not?" Jin-Mao asked back. Daiyu hit Jin-Mao on the back of his head. "Ow! Daiyu, that's the spot on my head where I wear my Pikachu hat!"

"And why did my dad get swallowed by a whale?" Usopp asked. The Libras blinked.

"Why are you asking us this?" Kazura asked.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Usopp arrived at the beach where Laboon was.<p>

"Are you doing drugs?! We just told you not to go here!" Kazura yelled.

"I forgot my cell phone on the boat," Usopp explained. The Libra males facepalmed.

"We're not going back there. We are so done with you," Edmund said before the Libras walked off. "Before we leave Usopp alone to his devices, who wants to get pizza?"

"I'm thinking Arby's," Teru stated.

"They don't sell pizza at Arby's," Rhett pointed out.

"Oh," Teru said. Back with Usopp, he managed to get Yasopp out of Laboon.

"What was the point of that?" Usopp asked Yasopp.

"Do NOT go there!" Yasopp yelled. "Oh, and I lied to you. You're a real boy."

"Why did you lie to me? Isn't the entire point of _Pinocchio _about a puppet becoming a human boy?" Usopp asked.

"Do you want to be in the Swimming Anime?! Stop asking questions!" Yasopp yelled.

"Yes, dad," Usopp said as father and son began to walk. "Hey, dad, what's for dinner?"

"That's it, son, you're going to be in the Swimming Anime!" Yasopp cried.

"Nooooooooo!" Usopp cried.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>For those of you that don't know, Rupert Graves is the guy who plays Lestrade on Sherlock.

**(2) - **To sum up why blinking while in the presence of a Weeping Angel is dangerous, "Don't blink. Blink and you're dead."

**(3) - **I've heard that Australian Rules Football is very violent and dangerous. That's why I had someone taken away on a stretcher.

**Review if you want to see parodies of other Disney movies such as _Toy Story_, _The Great Mouse Detective, _or even _Grave of the Fireflies_! (I doubt the last one is going to happen, since I don't want to lose readers for parodying a depressing movie about two kids who survived the Kobe firebombing in World War II)**


	77. Doflamingo Poppins

**Author's Note:** Two chapters in a row where we parody Disney movies?! Awesome!

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own anything One Piece or Disney-related.**

* * *

><p>The Victorian and Edwardian Eras were wild times. This is the sole reason why we had to have a chapter set in London, circa 1907.<p>

"Whee! _I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky!_" Donquixote Doflamingo, a magical nanny who may or may not be on drugs, sang as he floated around London on his umbrella.

"Shut up!" Marco yelled from the ground. "Exeggutor, use Barrage on that crazy guy!"

A beach ball then hit Doflamingo, sending him to the ground.

"Hell yes!" Ace yelled as he high-fived Marco, who was holding a giant harpoon gun. Ace was holding an inflatable crayon.

"Wow, look at us..." Marco commented as he put on some badass sunglasses. "We're having a ball."

_Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh _!

* * *

><p>At the household of Trafalgar Law and Jewelry Bonney, Law was watching Portlandia on his DVR.<p>

"What the hell is wrong with you?! Bunk beds are cool! A bed with a ladder! You can't beat that!" Law yelled to the T.V. Doflamingo then entered the mansion.

"Circletine!" Doflamingo yelled. Law jumped up in shock.

"Get out of my house! You can't even pass _Healing-D-Vision _on Beginner mode! Do you think we got married because of THAT?! No! Change and go be Sealand, desu-yo!" Law shouted. Doflamingo sweatdropped.

"I'm your kids' new nanny, Donquixote Doflamingo," Doflamingo explained.

"Don-quiche-out D'oh-flame-in-ho?" Law asked, trying to pronounce Doflamingo's name. Out of rage, Doflamingo threw a stack of video tapes out of the window.

"My leg!" Crocodile yelled from outside.

"Go babysit Eustass-ya!" Law yelled. "Wait... Since when did my kids ask for a nanny?!"

"Since the time you fired Kidd, our old nanny."

The Capricorns - Law and Bonney's kids - entered the room. Law's face turned to a face of shock.

"How, when, and WHY did you become my kids?! If I'm correct, several of you are older than me!" Law yelled.

"Relax, bitch. I'm a man. I got this," Kazuma explained.

"No, you don't. When you give me back my underwear, we'll talk," Yuki-Rin explained. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Let's go on a walk!" Doflamingo suggested.

"Wait - Who are you?" Wolfgang asked.

"My name is ShaNayNay!" Doflamingo yelled as he threw clothes to the Capricorns. "Put these on or else!"

The Capricorns unfolded the clothing, revealing kids' clothing from the Edwardian Era.

"I'm not wearing this! It has a distinct lack of a TARDIS, Tenth Doctor, Dalek, fish fingers and custard, Sherlock Holmes, Gale Hawthrone, Peeta Mellark, Finnick Odair, Captain Jack Harkness, Rory Williams, Mycroft Holmes, and yaoi!" Hana cried. Enlai then burst into tears.

"Leave Britney Spears alone!" Enlai sobbed. Wolfgang facepalmed.

"You're a grown, twenty-one-year old, Chinese man. Grow the fuck up," Wolfgang explained.

"So are you," Enlai pointed out. Wolfgang pouted.

"Why can't I own a Canadian?" Wolfgang muttered.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Doflamingo and the Capricorns were taking a walk through the park.<p>

"This is pointless," Yuki-Rin said to Doflamingo.

"Shut up and eat a biscuit!" Doflamingo yelled. Then, several people on stilts approached them. The Capricorns looked up, and they saw Bonney and the Libras on the stilts.

"Hello there! We are on strike!" Edmund yelled down to the Capricorns and Doflamingo.

"What for?" Yuki-Rin yelled back.

"We're on strike for better treatment for hipsters!" Bonney yelled back.

"Hi, mom! You're on stilts!" Daisuke yelled. Gareth bitch-slapped Daisuke.

"She's not your mom!" Gareth yelled.

"Gareth, don't tell him that, or he will unleash the ponies on you," Yulia warned.

"Applejack is best pony," Daisuke said derpily. The Libras and Bonney hopped off of their stilts.

"_When you see how easily we can wash away  
>Your corporate imbalances<br>It's an astonishing feat, a surprise  
>A maddening awakening to see<br>What a necessity we can be to your company_," Kazura sang.

"_Calculating annual exemptment tax/Form 1023  
>This is what we doApplication for recognition of exemption  
>Let us do your finance workForm W8IMY  
>Tax returns and filingCertificate of board intermediary  
>That is what we doForm 990  
>We will work for youReturn from any organization exempt from income tax,_" Yukari and Kazura sang.

"You don't even work for a bank. That's Law's job in this oneshot," Wolfgang pointed out.

"Shut up and let us finish the song!" Bonney yelled.

"_We can plant a million trees  
>We can save a million lives<br>We can build a mountain ten miles tall and have an ice cream shop inside  
>We can free up little turtles<br>We can sell pre-packaged jam  
>We can build ourselves a fly boat and go get ourselves tan<em>," The Libras and Bonney sang.

"Guys, why are we singing?" Edmund asked.

"Because we're on strike and we've aligned ourselves with the Hipster Bank of London," Bridey explained.

"I thought we agreed to no singing!" Edmund cried.

"The authoress said that the Capricorns got too many musical numbers and that the Libras should sing something," Rhett explained. Edmund sighed and facepalmed.

"Do we get a song in this _Mary Poppins _parody?" Kazuma asked.

"No, you do not. I don't care that you guys play Jane and Michael. _Supercalifragilisticexpialid ocious _and _Chim-Chimeere _are way too mainstream for you," Miller explained.

"That doesn't explain why you're singing a song about accountants when Law is a banker," Yuki-Rin pointed out.

"Stop asking questions, please," Alto requested.

"_When you subtract tax from the volume sales  
>Carry the 2 and calculate<br>Mail the reports to financing  
>Tell them to file them with Eleanor<br>Then, do an annual budget read  
>This is what we do,<em>" Bonney sang.

"_We can fight a million lions  
>We can eat a million bears<br>We can grab a #2 pencil and fill out some questionnares_," The Libras and Bonney sang as the Capricorns began to walk away.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?!" Doflamingo yelled to the "kids" he was nannying.

"Do you honestly think we want to be nanny-ed by a pimp? Hell no," Holden asked.

"Dalton makes a better nanny than you, and he's not as important as you!" Hana yelled to Doflamingo.

"Nobody cares about me!" Dalton sobbed. Doflamingo then began to paint Bonney's face.

"What are you doing and why do you have my Nutella?!" Bonney cried.

"I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face!" Doflamingo yelled as he painted Bonney's face. As Doflamingo painted Bonney's face, the Capricorns snuck off. "I'm painting your face! I'm painting your face!"

* * *

><p>Sometime later, Bonney and the Libras arrived home.<p>

"Hey. Just found out we're not the parents of the Capricorns. We're the parents of the Libras," Bonney explained. Law grinned.

"Alright! Up top, Bonney! We've got hipsters for kids!" Law yelled as he high-fived Bonney. The doorbell rang. "Junior Hipsters, go get that!"

The Libras answered the door to Doflamingo. He was dressed as the Fourth Doctor, including Tom Baker's infamous scarf.

"Hi, kids! I'm your new nanny! Would you like a Jelly Baby?" Doflamingo introduced himself to the Libras.

"Oh, hell no. Not this guy again..." Stella-Rondo said before she closed the door on Doflamingo.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see parodies of more Disney movies such as <em>The Lion King<em>, _Swiss Family Robinson_, or even _Hannah Montana: The Movie_!**


	78. Another Weakest Link Chapter

**Author's Note:** Well, since school ended early today, I decided to post this chapter early.

On a much larger note, I'm out of school next week for Spring Break, so there will be more updates. However, I will be offline sometime on Saturday night, as that's when Doctor Who premiers.

Anywho, let's start!

**Disclaimer: I still don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>Once again, Silvers Rayleigh was on the Weakest Link stage.<p>

"Welcome back to... The Weakest Link!" Rayleigh said. "You already know the rules, so let us introduce the players!"

The spotlights shone on the players, revealing three of the Capricorns, three of the Libras, one of the Straw Hats, one of the Supernovas, and one of the CP9.

"I'm Yuki-Rin, the captain of the Capricorn Pirates."

"I'm Heathcliffe Sarutobi, the musician of the Capricorn Pirates."

"I'm Kartik Abingdon, the shipwright of the Capricorn Pirates."

"I'm Kazura Miyafuji, and I'm the first mate of the Libra Pirates."

"I'm Stella-Rondo, and I'm the musician-slash-artist of the Libra Pirates."

"I'm Miller Pratt, the navigator of the Libra Pirates."

"I'm Roronoa Zoro, and how the hell did I get here?!"

"I'm Trafalgar Law, and this is too mainstream."

"I'm Kalifa of Cipher Pol 9, and this is sexual harassment."

"Perfect!" Rayleigh said. "Now the theme that your authoress, a high-functioning scociopath Erudite Time Lord of Houses Ravenclaw and Baratheon at the Torchwood Institute in District 1, Panem, the Grand Line, who has Eridan Ampora as her patron Troll, has chosen for these sets of questions is... Fandoms!"

Somewhere in the audience, Hana cheered.

"Tumblr rules, Facebook drools!" Hana shouted.

"Thank you for the input," Rayleigh said. "Now, let's play... The Weakest Link!"

The audience - mainly consisting of Hana's friends from Tumblr - cheered.

"Yuki-Rin, for a penny, what three articles of clothing does the Doctor deem 'cool'?"

"Bow ties, fezzes, and Stetsons."

"Correct! Heathcliffe, for five cents, what punk rock band recently broke up?"

"My Chemical Romance!" Heathcliffe sobbed. "Leave Gerard Way alone!"

"Correct! Kartik, for a quarter, what book is this line from: 'Ooh, Mr. Darcy, ooh'."

"_Pride and Prejudice_... Wait, that's not in the book!"

"I don't give a water closet!" Rayleigh yelled. "Kazura, for a dollar, was Jim Moriarty right?"

"Hell no, he wasn't!"

"Correct! Stella-Rondo, for five dollars, what is the Fourth Doctor's favorite food?"

"Jelly Babies."

"Correct! Miller, for ten dollars, which District is the Hunger Games Tribute Johanna Mason from?"

"District 7."

"Correct! Zoro, for fifteen dollars -"

"Bank."

"Who is the main couple in Sword Art Online?"

"F[Mozilla Firefox] that anime and f[Swimming Anime] Kirito and what's-her-face!"

"Close enough. Law, for twenty dollars, does Hipster Cat really exist?"

"He's too mainstream for you, Rayleigh-ya."

"Correct?" Rayleigh questioned before a klaxon went off. "Round's done! Time to vote someone off!"

As everyone began writing, Mihawk, the announcer, began to explain things to the viewers in a serious, deadpan tone of voice.

"_As of right now, Miller Pratt is the strongest link, because we needed a link who didn't add anything unecessary to his answer. Kalifa is our weakest link, since she didn't even get a question to answer. Did you know that switching to L.E.D. lighting saves the Holiday Inn hotel chain 4.4 million dollars every year_?"

After a few seconds, Rayleigh spoke.

"Contestants, who is your Weakest Link?"

"Kalifa," Everyone but Kalifa said.

"Zoro. He bashed Sword Art Online," Kalifa answered.

"I see..." Rayleigh said before he dramatically pointed to Heathcliffe. "You, goth boy, why did you vote for Kalifa?"

"She didn't do anything," Heathcliffe answered. Before Heathcliffe could say more stuff, Zoro cut him off.

"Albatross!" Zoro yelled.

"Anyway, Kalifa, you are the weakest link. Good-bye," Rayleigh said.

"Excuse me?! This is sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled.

"Is that all you're capable of saying?!" Everyone else yelled.

"Excuse me, but that's -" Kalifa yelled. We cut to an hour later.

"Glad that's over," Rayleigh said.

"Albatross!" Zoro shouted.

"Anyway, Yuki-Rin, for a penny, what did Katniss say at the District 12 Reaping?"

"I Volunteer as Tribute!"

"Correct! Heathcliffe, for five cents, who is the main character of _My Immortal_?"

"*Shudder*... Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."

Heathcliffe then threw up.

"Correct! Kartik, for a quarter, who wrote the hit books _The Fault in Our Stars _and _Paper Towns_?"

"John Green."

"Correct! Kazura, for a dollar, what house did Harry Potter NOT want to be in?"

"Slytherin."

"Are you sure? Better be... Gryffindor! Anyway, Stella-Rondo, for five dollars, name the members of Torchwood."

"Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, Owen Harper, Toshiko 'Tosh' Sato, and Ianto Jones."

"Correct! Miller, for ten dollars, what is the real name of John Egbert's warhammer?"

"The Warhammer of Zillywhoo."

"Correct! Zoro -"

"Albatross!" Zoro shouted. Zoro's fellow contestants sweatdropped. (1)

"Anyway, for twenty dollars, what pony likes muffins?"

"Derpy Hooves."

"Correct! Law, what is Interior Semiotics?"

Law grew silent.

"Why are you asking me this? Is it because I'm a hipster?!" Law cried. (2)

"Yes, it is because you are a hipster. Now, shut up, or you won't get any pudding in the green room," Rayleigh explained. Law responded by flipping over his podium.

"PUDDING IS TOO MAINSTREAM! I PREFER FLAN!" Law shouted. Several hours later, the competition was down to only Miller and Zoro.

"_Roronoa Zoro and Miller Pratt are the only contestants left in our show. After this lightning round, the one who has more points at the end of the round wins. Did you know that some ants can make themselves explode?_" (3)

"So, we have two contestants left -" Rayleigh said before Zoro cut him off.

"Albatross!" Zoro yelled.

"Why do you keep shouting that?" Rayleigh asked.

"I'm drunk!" Zoro yelled.

"Anyway... Miller, for a hundred dollars, what was the song Japan and Switzerland sang in that one episode of Hetalia?" Rayleigh asked. Zoro walked up to Miller and grabbed his hands.

"_O, Vreneli, my pretty one. Pray tell me, where's your home?_" Zoro sang.

"_My home, it is in Switzerland, 'tis made of wood and stone. My home, it is in Switzerland, 'tis made of wood and stone_," Miller sang. "Yo!"

"Ho!" Zoro shouted before he and Miller began to dance in circles and yodel. Everyone sweatdropped but Hana.

"Whoo! That's the best scene in Hetalia, right there!" Hana yelled. Rayleigh facepalmed.

"Well, our winner is Miller Pratt, because we need a winner, or else the authoress will come after me with Hetalia crack doujinshis," Rayleigh explained. Miller shrugged.

"Yeah, we won. Score one for the Libras," Miller said. Zoro scowled.

"Albatross," Zoro swore.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>"Albatross" is a joke from a Monty Python sketch.

**(2) - **Hipsters aren't fandoms, but Rayleigh is asking Law hipster-related questions because Law is a hipster in my crack fics. Also, Interior Semiotics is an NSFW video with hipsters in it.

**(3) - **I got the two fun facts Mihawk says (the only about the Holiday Inn and the one about exploding ants) from OMG Facts.

**Review if you want to see the pirates compete in Greed, Who Wants to Be a Millionare?, or even a dating reality show.**


	79. Toddlers, Tiaras, and The Rad Bromance

**Author's Note:** By the end of this chapter, I may or may not have more subscribers and/or reviewers for this fic. Why is that? Because I somehow came up with the idea of doing a spoof of Toddlers and Tiaras, with Daisuke as the beauty pageant contestant and his STRAIGHT guy friends as the "pageant moms".

Speaking of the Rad Bromance, there's a _Rad Bromance_-related poll on my profile. I may end up making the _Rad Bromance _chapters into a spin-off.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my OCs.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day in I Heart Gintama, Louisiana, and Gareth and Daisuke were chilling at Daisuke's house.<p>

"Boring... Everything is boring," Daisuke said as he slumped futher into the chair he was sitting in.

"Where's your mom? Let's go annoy her," Gareth suggested.

"Showtarou has an ear infection, so Nami - err... mom - took him to Doctor Chopper," Daisuke explained. "Who knew potato clocks caused ear infections?"

"Well then..." Gareth said. "Want to watch T.V.? I think there's a marathon of The Real Housewives of Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village on."

Daisuke shuddered.

"I stopped watching that show a half-hour into the first episode," Daisuke said. A knock at the door was heard. "I'll go get that."

Daisuke answered the door, where the rest of the Rad Bromance was waiting on the porch.

"Do you turn your cell phone on?" Wolfgang asked.

"It died, so it's charging. Why?" Daisuke asked. Wolfgang grinned.

"The new Bioshock game comes out tonight at midnight. Thought you'd might want to hear that," Wolfgang said. Daisuke then screamed like a fangirl.

"Daisuke, shut up! You're not even a girl!" Gareth yelled from the living room.

"Gareth's here?" Enlai asked as he pushed Daisuke aside. "Alright. Now it's a party."

"Bioshock 3 comes out at midnight, Gareth," Daisuke said as he gave a thumbs-up to Gareth.

"Fuck yeah!" Gareth yelled. "How long have I waited for this?!"

* * *

><p>"Sixty dollars?!"<p>

It was midnight, and the Rad Bromance was at Target picking up Bioshock 3.

"Don't look at me like that. I didn't set the [Mr. Flufflykins] price," Showtarou - the clerk at the electronics counter - stated.

"Well, we - Showtarou, what are you doing here? You have an ear infection," Daisuke asked. Showtarou shrugged.

"Social experiment I'm posting to Youtube," Showtarou explained. "Now, are you going to buy the Goddamn game or what?"

Daisuke turned to his bros, who sadly nodded.

"Spent all my money on a date with Aki."

"I had to help Yuki-Rin buy some stuff on Craigslist."

"I had to go to the salon to fix a bad dye job."

"Teru needed the money, saying something about my future daughter, who is apparently named 'Aurelia', needing a jet ski for a wedding in the Czech Republic."

"I needed to take a restraining order out on my ex."

"Let me sell some of my stock in Northrop Grunman, then we'll talk."

"Shitty Katsuragi jacked - I mean, borrowed - my money so he could get new iHome speakers."

Daisuke sighed.

"And what's your excuse?" Heathcliffe asked.

"I spent the money on a box set," Daisuke asked.

"What's the box set?" Holden asked.

"An anime box set," Daisuke answered.

"Which anime?" Soren asked. Daisuke sighed.

"Lucky Star."

Daisuke's bros grew silent.

"Daisuke, you idiot!" Heathcliffe, Holden, Soren, Kazuma, Gareth, Wolfgang, and Enlai yelled.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Rad Bromance wandered around I Heart Gintama, looking for a marked-down or even pirated copy of Bioshock 3.<p>

"Why is it so difficult to find one video game?" Daisuke asked as he buried his head in his hands. Currently, the bros were at Burger King, taking a break from shopping.

"We're in Central Louisiana in the year 1936. What do you expect?" Wolfgang asked.

"And yet we're making references to anime, Bioshock 3, Target, Youtube, Craigslist, T.V. shows, and Northrop Grunman when they're not supposed to exist yet?" Enlai argued.

"I do what I want, biatch!" The authoress yelled off-screen. Our bros grew quiet.

"Now what do we do?" Gareth asked everyone.

"Let's get naked!" Daisuke suggested.

"No, we're only going to do that if we plan to sell real estate," Gareth said blankly as he nibbled on a French fry.

"We could establish a Craigslist account," Daisuke suggested.

"And have us be mistaken for pedophiles? Daisuke, how much of your dignity have you lost?" Wolfgang asked.

"My mom sells lessons on how to establish a Ya-Ya Sisterhood on Craigslist," Daisuke said derpily. Wolfgang facepalmed.

"Okay, Daisuke, you are no longer allowed to speak during this conversation unless directly spoken to," Wolfgang explained.

"I have a suggestion that may look like I lost my dignity as well, but desperate times call for very desperate measures," Gareth explained.

"If it involves Craigslist or getting naked, I'm out," Wolfgang explained.

"We enter Daisuke in a beauty pageant," Gareth explained. Everyone grew silent.

"Gareth, what the hell have you been smoking?" Wolfgang asked.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Rad Bromance gathered at Daisuke's house to begin practice for a beauty pageant that would be that weekend.<p>

"What are you doing with all of that stuff?!" Nami cried as she pointed to the cosplay costumes, fake stage, and various props the bros were using.

"Fighting cavities?" Gareth answered.

"Okay, then..." Nami said as she left the room. "If one of you needs a root canal, call me."

The bros turned to each other.

"So, what am I going to wear?" Daisuke asked.

"One of those inappropriate pageant dresses mothers make their little girls wear to those pageants. It may be a bit short, but you'll enjoy a nice breeze," Gareth sarcastically explained.

"No, he is not going to wear that. Daisuke wasn't designed to be a whore," Wolfgang explained. Everyone else sweatdropped. "Just make him wear the suit he was supposed to wear to the birthday party Nami gave him."

"I thought we were never going to speak of those events -" Kazuma said before Wolfgang cut him off.

"I'm changing the subject because we need to move on, and Full House is on in ten minutes, and your baby son prefers to be called 'Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All'!" Wolfgang shouted. "Anyway, Daisuke, do you have a swimsuit?"

"Yeah. Just let me wear my swim trunks and not a Speedo. I'm not Franky, and I don't think I want to be Finnick Odair," Daisuke explained. Outside, several Finnick Odair fangirls were screaming.

"Finnick, I love you! Why did you have to die?!" Dadan cried.

"Come back to us, Finnick!" Tsuru yelled. Back inside the house...

"Does Daisuke have a talent?" Wolfgang asked everyone.

"Uhh... Staying up for thirty straight hours to play Minecraft, followed by sleeping for a whole day?" Gareth questioned.

"That's not a talent," Wolfgang said. "Daisuke needs a real talent, like dancing, baking, or bear wrestling."

"Wolfgang, those aren't even manly activities," Heathcliffe pointed out. Wolfgang turned to the punk boy.

"Does your electric guitar have a ukelele option?" Wolfgang asked.

"My guitar's at home," Heathcliffe said with a shrug. "And, besides, why would a guitar have a ukelele option?"

"It's a long story involving the Walrus Song, five historical fiction novels, and Wondercon Anaheim," Wolfgang explained. (1)

* * *

><p>A few days later, it was the beauty pageant, and the Rad Bromance was busy with preparations.<p>

"You know, I'm starting to wonder if this is really necessary. I mean, I am a thief for a pirate crew in an alternate timeline or some shit," Daisuke explained. He was now clad in a green, dress shirt, a black tie, a black suit with white pinstripes, and black dress shoes.

"I hear ya, man," Enlai said as he brewed some coffee.

"Hey, Daisuke, what are you going to do with the rest of the $10,000 prize money if we win?" Gareth asked. Daisuke stroked his chin, where there was a lack of a goatee.

"Hmm... I could buy some cheese dip, some Hostess snacks from Ebay, the upcoming Playstation 4, and... Uhh... More Lucky Star boxsets? Binders filled with women?" Daisuke explained. Gareth shrugged as he took a long sip from his coffee.

"Good enough for me," Gareth said.

"Oh, and Eggo waffles. Because Leggo my Eggo, that's why!" Daisuke yelled.

"Okay, you didn't have to snap at me," Wolfgang said as he put his hands up. Enlai sighed and handed a large cup filled with coffee to Daisuke.

"Drink this so I look like an actual pageant mom," Enlai requested.

"Yay! Coffee!" Daisuke cheered as he began to drink the coffee. Wolfgang turned to Enlai.

"That was supposed to be my coffee," Wolfgang said.

"Now it's Daisuke's, Shitty Katsuragi. Enjoy your withdrawl symptoms," Enlai retorted. Wolfgang sighed.

"Oh, for the love of edible crayons..." Wolfgang said to himself. Everyone else turned to Daisuke.

"You're on your own, kid," Gareth bluntly told Daisuke before the bros walked away.

"Why is it that I'm always alone in these types of situations in these types of oneshots?" Daisuke asked himself. "Then again, I DID start the bromance."

Out in the audience, the rest of the bromance was watching the pageant.

"Boring!" Enlai yelled.

"You just called Doflamingo riding a mini-motorcycle through rings of fire boring. How can you find that boring?!" Holden asked.

"Bitch, I'm flawless," Wolfgang said as he whipped his hair.

"_Give it up for contestant -69,666.777^10, Daisuke Saburo!_"

Daisuke walked onto the stage and faced the audience, a blank stare on his face. Everyone grew silent.

"Do something! I didn't pay fifteen bucks for this shit!" Gareth shouted. Then, the music started and Daisuke then began to dance a familiar dance. "Oh, no. Oh, hell no."

"What? I saw this on Miku Miku Dance," Kazuma asked.

"It's the Caramelldansen! I can't stand this shit! Ain't no one got time for that!" Gareth yelled as his eye began to twitch.

"Don't like it? Leave," Wolfgang suggested. Gareth then screamed and ran out of the hotel, right as the music stopped. Everyone in the room grew silent, save for crickets chirping and Moria flipping through the pages of a porn magazine.

"Hi, mom! I like bacon!" A very hyper Daisuke shouted. Wolfgang turned to Enlai.

"Baka Enlai, explain yourself," Wolfgang requested.

"You mean you don't like the d -" Enlai asked sheepishly before the announcer, Kokoro, cut him off.

"Attention, all attendees," Kokoro announced. "Our winner is Daisuke Saburo, because he is the only competitor who is not a prostitot. Plus, he used to attend my boarding charm school."

As soon as Kokoro mentioned her boarding charm school, Daisuke screamed.

"I need an adult!" Daisuke yelled, tears streaming down his face. "She can't take me! SHE CAN'T TAKE ME!"

Daisuke then jumped out of the nearest window.

* * *

><p>"Excuse me, but do... Princess Cute as a Bug In a Rug, Princess Young Chicken, Empress Cute as a Bug In a Rug, Queen Gabby Guppie, Princess Young Bird, Duchess Running River, Duchess Fresh-as-a-Daisy, and Countess Curses Like a Sailor? Okay, what kind of drugs have I been doing?" (2)<p>

A few hours later, the Rad Bromance was recuperating from the pageant at Daisuke's house.

"Uhh... Our names are Kazuma Miyafuji, Heathcliffe Sarutobi, Daisuke Saburo, Holden Sarutobi, Soren Sarutobi, Gareth Archer, Wolfgang Katsuragi, and Enlai Li. We're straight males between the ages of 16 and 21 and we don't belong to a Ya-Ya Sisterhood," Daisuke explained to Paulie and Iceburg, who were judges at the pageant.

"Of course, you should feel ashamed, you shameless boy!" Paulie yelled. Iceburg facepalmed.

"Take your money and never compete in a beauty pageant again," Iceburg requested before he handed Daisuke a check for $10,000. With a grin, Daisuke slammed the door on the two.

"Bioshock 3, here we come!" Daisuke announced. Our favorite bros cheered.

"Now... To Target! Once more, with feeling!" Wolfgang announced.

* * *

><p>"Sixty dollars?!"<p>

It was midnight, and the Rad Bromance was at Target picking up Bioshock 3.

"Don't look at me like that. I didn't set the [Mr. Flufflykins] price," Showtarou - the clerk at the electronics counter - stated.

"Well, we - Showtarou, what are you doing here? And why are we suddenly in a past scene?!" Daisuke cried. "Did I lose my money?!"

Showtarou leaned foward.

"_Inception _and Doctor Who are lies," Showtarou whispered before he shoved a box covered with a cheesecloth toward the bros. "Take this before Kokoro sees you."

"Right," Daisuke said with a nod. "What is it?"

"Don't ask questions and go home. You have all of your remaning Friday night to have your question answered," Showtarou explained.

"Okies," Daisuke said before the bros ran outside.

"What is it?! What is it?!" Gareth asked as he jumped up and down. Daisuke took a deep breath, and removed the cloth, revealing a new copy of Bioshock 3. Daisuke screamed like a fangirl.

"Showtarou jacked us a copy of Bioshock 3! I knew he was cool!" Daisuke yelled. Gareth then papped Daisuke's face.

"Shh... Shh... This is a shoosh pap..." Gareth said re-assuringly.

"So, now what?" Kazuma asked.

"Go back inside and buy us some snacks and drinks. We're pulling an all-nighter whether Nami likes it or not," Wolfgang explained.

And, so, the Rad Bromance stayed up all night to play Bioshock 3. And they immensely enjoyed it.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>I snuck in the reference to Wondercon Anaheim, because there is a small chance that I will be attending the con on Sunday, as one of my friends is working there.

**(2) - **A _Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood _name generator was used to create those names, therefore, to some degree, I don't own those names.

**Anyway, review if you want to see more shenanigans from the Rad Bromance!**


	80. The Mocking Dead

**Author's Note:** This is another chapter that may or may not get me more followers/reviews, as this is a parody of The Walking Dead. Now, I don't watch The Walking Dead, but I know a few things about the show.

So, let's watch what would happen if we dropped a bunch of hipsters (the Libras) into the zombie apocalypse.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, The Walking Dead, or Happy Peppy Gary and Betty's Camp Learnatorium.**

* * *

><p>"Guys, Kazura's waking up."<p>

Kazura awoke in a hospital, the Libras surrounding him.

"What happened?" Kazura asked.

"We were at Starbucks, when you slipped on an ice cube, fell, and hit your head," Yukari explained as Alto entered the room.

"So, Kazura, how are you feeling?" The Libra's doctor asked Kazura.

"I slipped on an ice cube and got boo-boos," Kazura deadpanned.

"Boo-boos, huh?" Alto asked. "We're transferring you to the hospital next door."

Alto pointed to a hospital called "Weenie Hut General".

"Weenie Hut General?!" The Libras cried.

"Whoops, wrong hospital," Alto said. "You want this hospital."

Alto pointed to a hospital called "Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Hospital". Everyone shuddered.

"By the way, we have to be out in five minutes, because zombies are coming."

"Wait - What?" Kazura asked everyone.

"Oh, we forgot to tell you that a zombie actually pushed you," Rhett explained.

"Zombies, really?!" Kazura yelled. Then, a zombie entered the room. Rhett said nothing as he threw his axe into the zombie's brains.

"Yeah, about that..." Rhett said.

"Atlanta has been overrun by zombies. We have to get out of here," Edmund explained.

"Why are we in Atlanta?" Kazura asked.

"Because the authoress said something along the lines of us needing a boat to Barcelona," Edmund explained.

"Why Barcelona?" Kazura asked.

"Texas is too mainstream! Our zombie hideout is in Spain!" Edmund yelled. "Now, before we leave Atlanta, we need to stop at Target for a few things."

A few minutes later, the Libras were standing in a line of zombies at Target.

"This line is so freakin' long. This is supposed to be the ten items or less line, not the grandma line," Aleksandar complained.

"I know, right? It's not even tourist season," Aurelia said in agreement.

"Yukari, do they know that we're in a line of zombies that can kill us?" Kazura whispered to his sister.

"Oh, so that's why Daruma wanted us to buy all of this bacon!" Yukari commented as she motioned to a shopping cart filled with bacon.

"Bitch stole my cookies!"

A dead zombie fell at Yukari and Kazura's feet. Lien then grabbed a bag of Oreos from the zombie's hands.

"It's such a busy day at Target today," Lien said. Yukari gave Lien a forced smile.

"Gee, I wonder why," Yukari said. A few minutes later, the Libras were crammed into a Volkswagon van headed out of Atlanta.

"I could've sworn that I've seen this setup somewhere before," Kazura said to Yukari.

"Do I have to pull over?!" Alton - the driver - shouted.

"Daiyu, why is Alton playing up the sterotype of bad Asian drivers?" Jin-Mao asked Daiyu.

"Because we're in the middle of a mother[truck stop]ing zombie apocalypse!" Alton yelled. "Now, will you shut up before I make you into zombies?!"

The Libras grew silent. Then, the sounds of a police siren filled the air.

"Alton, for the sake of all of us, pull over. I don't care if it's a zombie, just pull over," Beau - who was riding shotgun beside Alton - ordered.

"And why should I listen to a fifteen-year old kid?! I'm fifty, and I do what I want, biatch!" Alton yelled. Then, the van stopped. "Okay, now what?!"

"Chill out. We ran out of gas," Aurelia calmly explained. Alton slowly turned to the rest of the Libras.

"Get out and push before Daddy Alton turns around and goes home," Alton explained. A few moments later, everyone but Alton and Jin-Mao was pushing the van.

"Faster, faster!" Jin-Mao yelled from inside the van.

"Only if you get out here and help!" Edmund yelled.

"I think we're going fast enough. Maybe we should go back in the car," Rhett said. Edmund turned back, and he saw a hoard of zombies coming toward them.'

"Holy shit, zombies! Get back in the car, everyone!" Edmund yelled as everyone began running for the moving van. As soon as all of the Libras got back into the van, Edmund closed the door.

"Glad that's - Miller, can you get off my legs?"

"I can't until Daruma gets off of me."

"Angelica, you're on my foot!"

"Fernando, get off of me!"

"Grandma, you're sitting on my chest."

"Oi, Pinkie Pie, what the hell are you doing in my chest?!"

"Teru - err... past version of mom -, you're kicking my face."

"Sorry, Granny Magda, Locke."

A few hours later, the Libras arrived at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Zombie Survival Camp - No, wait, they arrived at Happy Peppy Betty and Gary's Camp Learnatorium. Yukari screamed.

"No! We can't hide from the zombies here! This place is worse than Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village!" Yukari screamed. The Libras shuddered.

"Never say that Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village is a better place than somewhere else!" Edmund yelled as he grabbed Yukari's arm.

"No, Edmund! We have to leave!" Yukari yelled before she ran off, killing some zombies with a crowbar along the way. Everyone sweatdropped.

"And I thought mom's crew was nuts..." Kazura muttered to himself. Rhett checked the time on his phone.

"It's three in the afternoon, and it's already dark out," Rhett commented, as the sky was a dark grey.

"The sky is always dark grey in a zombie apocalypse setting," Pearl added.

"Excuse me, is this crazy, blonde girl yours?"

Mihawk and Hancock - who were both wearing Japanese school uniforms - approached the Libras with Yukari.

"Yeah, that's my sister," Kazura said. "Why do you have my sister?"

Mihawk took a deep breath.

"_I'm Happy, Peppy Mihawk_!" Mihawk sang.

"_I'm Happy, Peppy Hancock!_" Hancock sang.

"_We're Peppy Happy, Peppy Happy, Happy Peppy Hap_!" Mihawk and Hancock sang.

"_Ask Happy Peppy Mihawk_," Hancock sang.

"_That zombie's kind of scary_," Mihawk sang as he killed a zombie with a saber. Then, the music stopped as Mihawk and Hancock turned into zombies. Everyone but Yukari screamed.

"I warned you about stairs, bro! I told you, dog!" Yukari screamed as she pulled out the Elder Sword. Miller pulled out his axe.

"You lost meyz wah fin falaas neighborhood," Miller and Yukari said before the slayed the zombies. (1)

"Okay, our work is done here. This place scares me," Kazura said. A short walk later, the Libras arrived at an abandoned warehouse.

"An abandoned warehouse. How stereotypical," Edmund commented as the Libras set up makeshift beds.

"Oh, and Stella-Rondo is supposed to die of childbirth in here," Alto said. Everyone turned to Alto.

"What?!" Stella-Rondo cried. "I'm not even pregnant! I'm seventeen! What is this, 16 and Pregnant?!"

Alto sighed as Stella-Rondo passed out.

"I wonder if the Capricorns are having the same troubles with zombies like us," Edmund wondered out loud.

"They aren't. They ditched us so they could go to Las Vegas," Amelia said bitterly.

"Goddamn it!" Edmund yelled. Then, the opening melody for the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club song _Spread Your Love _played in the background as Stella-Rondo slowly got up.

"Hell yes! This is my song, right here!" Aleksandar yelled. Then, Stella-Rondo grabbed Fernando. "Wait, Stella-Rondo, what are you doing?! Stella-Rondo, that's Fernando! Stella-Rondo, stahp!" (2)

With one last glance to the Libras, Stella-Rondo left with Fernando as the music faded out. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Who died and put this surrealist stuff in this oneshot?!" Edmund cried. Then, a horde of zombies entered the warehouse.

"Okay, raise your hand if you think Stella-Rondo and Fernando called these zombies," Aleksandar said to everyone. Bridey then got out a chansaw that was twice her size.

"Don't worry, guys, I've got this," Bridey said. Kazura then woke up in his room on the Coachella. Alto stood above his bed.

"Alto, what happened?" Kazura cried.

"To qoute you, 'I stepped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos.' I'm transferring you to another hospital," Alto explained as he pointed outside.

"Weenie Hut General?!" Kazura cried.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>This is Dovahkiin for "You've come to the wrong neighborhood."

**(2) - **_Spread Your Love _by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club is Aleksandar's theme song.

**The second part of _Homestuck Time _will be the next chapter, so review if you want to see that!**


	81. Homestuck Time Part II!

**Author's Note:** Well, I kept my word. 30 chapters later, we have part 2 of _Homestuck Time_. Like part one of the story, there will be several things important to Homestuck's plot that will be missing in this story. Also, since Homestuck hasn't ended yet, I had to make my own ending up. I know it will be vastly different from what Andrew Hussie may have, so... You get what you get, yeah.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck or One Piece.**

* * *

><p><strong>Second Person P.O.V.<strong>

A young girl stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that today, the eleventh of November, is the release date for a new video game. We don't need to enter this girl's young name, as it is already engraved onto her placronym.

Anyway, your name is **Jewelry Bonney**. You are an heiress to the Betty Crocker company, but you live in a normal house outside of Portland, Oregon, since living in a mansion is too mainstream. You have a taste for all things hipster - Indie/alternative music, indie/foregin flicks, and thrift shops. Oh, and coffee. You don't have a Pesterchum, because Pesterchum is too mainstream.

What will you do?

* * *

><p>On an island on the pacific, another hipster stood in his bedroom. Again, we don't need to enter this guy's name, as it is engraved on his placronym.<p>

Your name is **Trafalgar Law **and you are also a hipster. Pesterchum is way too mainstream. You go on Myspace, as it fell into obscurity in recent years.

Anyway, what will you do?

* * *

><p>Your name is <strong>Nami<strong>, and you live in New York. Currently, you are too drunk to go on Pesterchum.

"Excuse me?!" You yell.

Anyway...

* * *

><p>Your name is <strong>Eustass Kidd<strong>, and you live in Texas. You -

"What the hell?! Why do I live in Texas?!" You cry.

What will you do anyways?

* * *

><p><strong>Third Person P.O.V.<strong>

"Hell yeah! Sburb Alpha is out!" Bonney yelled as she installed the game on her computer.

"Bonney, you're still grounded!" Bonney's dad - Capone "Gage" Bege - shouted from outside her room.

"Oh, for the love of Bon Iver!" Bonney yelled. Then, the house teleported to The Land of Spotify and Arranged Marriages. "Yay! I'm in the Medium! I want to see what Law is doing!"

Meanwhile, Law was asleep in his land, The Land of Windows 8 and Chinese Fiction.

"Where am I? Has Coachella started early?" Law asked himself before he saw a Troll ghost with light-blue blood. "Oh, no! It's a Judon! Get back in the car!"

"Hello. My name is Yukari Miyafuji. I will be an exposition fairy during this story. Do not attempt to harm me, or my Moirail will hurt you," Yukari explained calmly. Kidd then approached them.

"Why am I not in The Land of Dropkick Murphys and Crayons?" Kidd asked Law before somebody held a water pipe to Kidd's head. "Oh, son of a -"

A pink-blooded Troll approached them.

"I'm Stella-Rondo. Don't mess with Texas," Stella-Rondo explained.

"I didn't mess with Texas!" Kidd cried.

"Yes, you did. You wondered why you lived in Texas for this oneshot," Stella-Rondo explained. Kidd pouted.

"I'm not a Krusty Krab..." Kidd muttered.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Nami was in her land, The Land of Matt Smith and Flat Screen T.V.s., when her phone rang.<p>

"Hello?" Nami asked.

"_Hello. My name is Makino, and I am a Cherub. My brother, Shanks, is about to kill me and become Lord English. Can you - No, no, no! Get that Weeping Angel out of the room!_"

The line then went dead.

"Okay?" Nami wondered as she put her phone away.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Luffy and Robin were watching <em>Con Air<em>.

"This movie sucks!" Luffy yelled as he flipped a table over.

"John Egbert-san, what's going on?" Robin asked.

"I'm throwing a tantrum over a bad movie because it's mandatory!" Luffy yelled as he stormed outside. "Hey, wait, where did the Trolls go?"

Then, Luffy passed out for no reason.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Capricorns were getting to know their Dancestors, the Libra Trolls.<p>

"Aki? Aki, where did you go?" Heathcliffe asked.

"Bucket!" Zoro yelled from nowhere as he threw a bucket at Heathcliffe.

"Eew! Get this sex toy away from me!" Heathcliffe yelled as he threw the bucket back to Zoro.

"I'm right here, Sarutobi-kun."

Heathcliffe looked down, and he saw the pink-blooded Troll crying.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Heathcliffe asked as he sat down next to his potential Matespirit.

"I don't like our Dancestors. They make me seem so shallow, stuck-up, and superficial in comparison to them. It's not fair! Why can't I be the rebellious tomboy like my Dancestor, Pearl?! Why do I, the Thief of Heart, have to be the shallow girly-girl?! Why are we so debauched and... Fun? Trendy?" Aki asked Heathcliffe.

"Because we're not hipsters," Heathcliffe explained. Aki sniffed.

"Also, why did I become Kartik's Matespirit?! It's clear that he wants to kill us over his stupid cult!" Aki cried. Heathcliffe grew... Pale? Cherry red? Well, he grew silent.

"Break up with him," Heathcliffe ordered.

"I did," Aki said seriously. "Sarutobi-kun, will you fill buckets with me? I don't care that I'm a wealthy pink-blood and you're a red-blood. I love you, and I want to be your Matespirit."

Heathcliffe smiled.

"Hell yes, I will fill buckets with you," Heathcliffe said before he and Aki began a hot make-out session.

"Get a room! The both of you!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Cherub named Shanks was beginning his conquest.<p>

"Hello, good sir. Can I be of any assistance today?" Kartik - who was now wearing his Prince of Hope outfit - asked Shanks, who knocked Kartik unconscious with a Deadmau5 CD.

"I can do it myself! Gosh!" Shanks yelled.

"_No, no, no. You can't do this yourself_."

"Shut up, Authoress!" Shanks yelled. "Go watch Doctor Who or something!"

"_I already did that. David Tennant is a majestic beast - No wait, Benedict Cumberbatch is the majestic beast, David Tennant is the hot guy with the hot, Scottish accent_."

"I'm not gay! Tell me how to win the Game!" Shanks cried.

"_Your session is void. You can't win. Go home._"

"Oh, go do something productive that you love - Go listen to Flogging Molly, go watch a movie, read a book like _The Hunger Games_ - Hell, go watch some anime! I heard that Soul Eater spin-off is getting an anime!" Shanks ranted to the authoress.

"_I can't. I have to finish this chapter_."

Shanks facepalmed.

"If you need me, I'm gonna go complete the session. Don't bother me, I'm eating," Shanks said before he left. The authoress sighed.

"_Now wh4t?_"

Rhett approached Kartik and woke him up.

"Now what?" Kartik asked.

"I'm your Dancestor. We need to begin doing all of that stuff those Kurloz and Gamzee guys were doing," Rhett explained.

"I'm not your father!" Kartik yelled. Rhett then ran away crying.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the rest of the Trolls, CP9, Luffy, Vivi, Robin, Zoro, Bonney, Law, Kidd, and Nami were preparing for the final battle against the three villains - Shanks, Hancock, and Lord Crocodile.<p>

"Come at me, bro!" Shanks yelled. Luffy stepped back.

"Gomu Gomu no... Falcon Punch!" Luffy yelled as he Falcon Punched Shanks, Hancock, and Crocodile away.

"We're blasting off again!" Crocodile, Hancock, and Shanks yelled as they blasted off. Everyone cheered.

"We did it! We completed Sburb! We can go home!" Vivi cheered. Then, everybody went into Trickster Mode.

"Whee!" The Trolls, CP9, and kids shouted as they rode on a rainbow that took them to Luffy's house. Then, everyone proceeded to do all of the running/dancing/jumping/whatever it is that they do in Trickster Mode.

"Trickster Mode is best mode!" Zoro yelled happily.

"Wheeeee!" The Capricorns and Libras yelled as they ran around in circles. Then, the authoress started to cry.

"_What have I done?! Why, Andrew Hussie, why?!_"

Then, everyone got out of Trickster Mode.

"Moffat!" Everyone yelled. In Massachusetts...

"Happy early Homestuck Day! I'm sure you'll be celebrating the wonderful end of Homestuck on 4/13!" The fictional version of Andrew Hussie said to the readers.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see parodies of other webcomics such as A Simple World, Alpha Flag, or even Problem Sleuth!<strong>


	82. The Cabin in the Woods

**Author's Note:** Well, here's a long explanation as to why we have this long, wonderful chapter:

When I was younger, during summer vacation, my mom, grandma, and I would go up to this cabin in the Sierra Nevadas for a week or so, and some aunts, uncles, cousins, my adult cousin's boyfriends, and some relatives of my other cousin would be there. These were basically the equivalent to a family reunion for me, even though I saw half of the family more times in the year, since they lived near me.

Although these "family reunions" stopped when I was about ten, I still have memories of that cabin and how 9 - 15+ people shared a three bedroom, two bathroom cabin. Looking back, I take my vacations with my just my parents for granted - With 9 - 15+ people in a smallish cabin and everyone pretty much abiding by some type of schedule, I wonder how anybody didn't go crazy or lose their sanity. Now, I'm glad that when I go on vacation, the only schedule my parents and I are on is where we basically do whatever we want and not what my aunt/uncle/cousin/whoever wants.

Also, this oneshot WILL get a Director's Cut, as there is just so much material to work off of. Plus, some of the more mundane things in this oneshot are based off of some of the things I did on vacation (I.E. the taco dinner, but nowhere near as cracky as this fic).

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Foley Maeve and her personalities belong to luffykotheeevee.**

* * *

><p>Our story starts one sunny Saturday morning in the summertime as Foley Maeve was preparing to leave a motel somewhere in eastern California.<p>

"Yes, Jodie, it's mandatory that we eat the Cocoa Puffs with gummy bears. Bullet, you can't have any coffee, since you're driving. Aoi, the front desk has your iPod for no reason. Yes, Leon, you get to cook pancakes for everyone later," Maeve said to her personalities as they exited their motel room. "Also, guys, this town gives me bad vibes. The local bookstore didn't even have manga. Who does that?"

As Maeve entered the lobby to eat a wholesome breakfast of sugary cereal, Derpy Hooves' muffins, candy, and chocolate-covered glazed donuts topped with rainbow sprinkles, powdered sugar, and bacon bits, she remembered who was going to share the cabin in Lake Tahoe with her for the next three weeks.

"This is going to be awesome television! I'm gonna call the BBC and see if they'll film us!"

* * *

><p>One phone call to the BBC, a meet-up with the Straw Hats, a shopping trip to the local Kmart to buy products starting with a "K", a stop at a gas station where Usopp would be arrested if the gas station manager didn't pump the gas for Sanji's Prius, many stops to take pictures, a lunch break at an outdoor restaurant that was near the set of <em>October Double Rainbow Sky<em>, and a stop at a 7-11 later, the Straw Hats arrived at a cabin in South Lake Tahoe.

"Luffy, we have to get out of here! This place reminds me of those horror movies!" Maeve cried as they entered the cabin. Nami sighed.

"Maeve, we're nowhere near a corn field, any haunted house, a cult headquarters, insane asylum, or anywhere from a horror movie," Nami pointed out. Maeve screamed.

"Great Scott, Jodie! We're near Katniss' arena from _The Hunger Games_! Cato and Clove are going to kill us!" Maeve screamed bloody murder before her mood changed. "Good question, Aoi. Who is Scott?"

"It's just an expression, Mortician-san," Robin said before somebody knocked on the door. Robin answered it to the Libras. "Why, hello, Mugiwara no Hipster."

"Robin, Aoi wants to know if you're a weeaboo," Maeve said before she noticed the hipsters known as the Libra Pirates. "Ehmagerd! Hipsters!"

"So, where do we sleep?" Yukari asked.

"Across the hall from Maeve," Franky answered. "I'll show you where it is. First one there gets free use of the closet."

Franky led the Libras away. Maeve turned to the Straw Hats.

"Are we going to tell them?" Maeve asked.

"They'll find out soon enough, Maeve," Usopp said. "It's not like everyone else is going to be late. They're coming here from the beach."

"What the hell?! Our room is small?!" Kazura cried from down the hall.

"Uhh... The Supernovas are coming, so they need the larger room."

The Libras and Franky re-joined the Straw Hats. Maeve and Usopp snickered.

"What's so funny?" Kazura asked.

"Oh, nothing. Usopp just told me a funny story about his visit to Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village in Reno," Maeve said. Everyone shuddered.

"Anyway, Libras and Maeve, can you get the groceries for us? We're going to be too busy climbing the fence surrounding the nearby middle school so we can play soccer with Coby, Helmeppo, and a bunch of Marines," Nami suggested.

"Yep! I've got this!" Maeve said as she left the house with the Libras. "Yes, Jodie, I'll buy you the new issue of Shonen Jump. No, Aoi, Nami told us not to buy anything from the deli. She said something about salmonella or something. Sure, Bullet, we can get a book on the history of hipster motels in Lake Tahoe. That reminds me... Leon, we need to buy chocolate milk, ice cream, candy, waffles, a mini-fridge, and earplugs. We're gonna need them if things get bad."

Yukari turned to Kazura.

"What did Maeve mean by 'We're going to need them if things get bad'?" Yukari asked her brother.

"You know Maeve has those people living in her head," Kazura answered. "Plus, what if she gets homesick? She's got ice cream and candy to cheer her up."

"But, a mini-fridge? Earplugs? Waffles?" Yukari asked.

"The mini-fridge and waffles, I can see, because I'm sure Maeve doesn't want anybody stealing her food. Plus, Maeve likes waffles," Kazura explained. "As for the earplugs... Why?"

As the Libras and Maeve got into Miller's vntage Volkswagon van, the Supernovas approached the cabin with their things.

"Take us with you!" Law sobbed. "Please, for the love of the God of Vintage Levi Jeans, get us away from here!"

* * *

><p>An hour later, the Libras and Maeve were in the checkout line, checking out all of the food they bought. Bullet already got a head start by eating from a bag of chips that haven't been checked out yet.<p>

"Not bad. I wish chicken and waffles-flavored Lays will win that contest," Bullet said to himself. Then, Maeve's cell phone rang.

"Hello? They're here already? And, is that Law screaming bloody murder for his mommy? Also, why does it sound like Chopper is breaking things? It's just them showering and changing from their swimsuits to street clothes? Sounds legit. I'll see you - Wait, Nami, quick question - Which Supernova is allergic to Tic-Tacs? Hawkins? Alright, I'll be sure to get him Not-Tic-Tacs for him. Bye," Maeve said before she hung up and pocketed her iPhone. "Guys, we can't buy Tic-Tacs. Hawkins is allergic to them, and he'll begin to act like a squirrel, throw Doctor Who merchandise out the window, and vomit profusely if he's in the same room as a box of Tic-Tacs."

Opal dropped the box of Tic-Tacs she was about to put on the conveyor belt.

"Well then..." Opal said.

"Also, Nami said my friends Alissa, Aldwin, Jade, Abelard, Ren, Basil, and A.A.A. just got to the cabin. Just a heads-up," Maeve explained, totally not lying about who really came to the cabin.

"How come most of them have names starting with an 'A'?" Yukari asked.

"I think it was a family thing," Maeve said. "Or, their parents were watching _The Avengers _when they decided, 'Hey, we like _The Avengers _so much, let's give our kids names that start with the letter 'A'.' Or, the more classic excuse - They were drunk or on massive amounts of drugs."

The Libras grew silent.

"I actually think that is a legit excuse," Rhett said.

"Hey, me too!" Lien said. "My mom named me while watching this Chinese drama with a character named 'Lien'."

"And my grandpappy gave me my name because he worked in a paper mill!" Miller added. Maeve smirked to herself.

"_They're so happy right now. Just wait until they get back to the cabin_," Maeve thought to herself. "_Jodie, it's okay. We'll get through this stay at the cabin. Aoi, the Libras would kill us if we did that. Bullet, what's a blunderbuss? Leon, tell me what you said in English. You know I can't speak French_."

* * *

><p>About twenty minutes later, the Libras and Maeve arrived at the cabin. Bonney and Urouge were playing croquet, and Law was curled up in the fetal position on the small, front porch.<p>

"Law is in the fetal position. This can't possibly be good," Edmund remarked.

"Stay back. I'll go attend to the hipster," Maeve said before she walked up the front steps to Law. "Hello, Mister Hipster, what's wrong?"

"Don't go in. Whatever you do, DO NOT go in," Law requested.

"We have to, so we can put our food away," Maeve explained. "I hope you like cinnamon raisin bread."

"I hate bread," Law said. "Anyway, don't even bring the Libras in if you know what's good for them."

Nami exited the house.

"Oh, Maeve, you and the Libras are back. Do come in," Nami said. Maeve looked down to Law, and then back to Nami.

"Why is Law in the fetal position?" Maeve asked.

"Everything's fine, Maeve. Sanji just made some bread pudding, and you know Law hates bread for no reason at all," Nami explained. Maeve turned to the Libras.

"Nami gave us the go-ahead to come in," Maeve said to the hipster pirates.

"Good, because I think the milk is about to go bad," Rhett said as they entered the cabin, with Maeve leading them.

"Hi, Capone! Hi, Ace! Hi, Vivi! Hi, Sabo! Hi, Kaya! Hi, Shanks! Hi, Hawkins! We didn't buy any Tic-Tacs, Hawkins! Hi, X. Drake!" Maeve greeted the various people in the cabin, with the Libras politely nodding to each of the guests. "Hi, Capricorns!"

The Libras dropped the groceries they were carrying.

"What the hell?! Why are they here?!" Edmund cried.

"'Sup?" Gareth asked from the couch. "We're here, because we want to be on vacation. Why are you here?"

Edmund said nothing as Chopper came into the room.

"What's wrong, Edmund?" Chopper asked innocently as he tugged on Edmund's sleeve.

"I think I am going to lose my sanity," Edmund said before he fainted.

"Dinner's in twenty minutes!" Sanji yelled from the kitchen. "Can two people - preferrably one Libra and one Capricorn - help me set the table?!"

Yukari silently pushed Teru foward.

"At least you'll be doing it with your husband," Yukari said to Teru. Twenty minutes later, everyone was sitting down to dinner, which was basically an 'all-you-can-make taco buffet'.

"I hate tortillas! They are a by-product and a cultural version of bread!" Law yelled as he threw the pack of tortillas out the window Shanks was sitting in front of. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Well then..." Vivi said. "What are your plans for tomorrow?"

"We're going to the beach again," Kartik said. "Would any of you like to come?"

"This is not okay," Kazura stated. "We were planning to go to a music festival. Even though the festival is on the beach, going to the beach is so mainstream."

"I hear you, Kazura-ya," Law said before he and Kazura high-fived.

"We're going out for Mexican tapas after the beach," Hana added.

"Is that bribery of the highest treason I hear?" Capone asked.

"I'll go if they don't have bread!" Law said.

"Law, you can't do that. That's social suicide," Edmund pointed out.

"Yeah... I'm lucky that I have you, Edmund-ya, to guide me," Law said.

"Uhh... No offense, Law, but that sounded kind of gay," Edmund said.

"My apologies," Law said before everyone went back to their meal.

"So, who wants to get ice cream afterwards?" Matsu asked.

"_Don't say anything, Law. Going out for ice cream on vacation is too mainstream, and you know it_," Law thought to himself. "I'll go if they have gelato."

"They do have gelato," Matsu answered.

"Damn it all to some hipster boutique in Reno!" Law yelled as he banged his fists on the table.

"What's wrong, Trafalgar? Don't want bread ice cream?" Kidd taunted.

"They don't make bread ice cream, Eustass-ya," Law said.

"Let me go Google it on my phone to see if it exists," Kidd said as he typed something into his phone. "Oh, look, bread ice cream exists."

Law's faced turned to shock. But, before he could speak, Daruma opened his mouth.

"You know, I heard a wonderful saying that fits this situation," Daruma said. "He said, 'there ain't no rest for the wicked'."

"Money don't grow on trees," Wolfgang argued.

"I've got bills to pay, I've got mouths to feed. There ain't nothing in this world for free," Miller argued.

"Altough, I can't slow down, I can't hold back," Brook argued.

"Though, you know, I wish I could," Usopp added.

"Oh, no. There ain't no rest for the wicked," Law argued.

"'Till we close our eyes for good," Ace added before he fell asleep. Then, everyone resumed eating in silence.

"WTF?! Soren, stop playing footsie with Teru. I mean it," Law said. "I mean, seriously. You almost hit my crotch."

Soren glared at Law, then began to gaze at Teru seductively. Law banged his fists on the table and stood up.

"I am so done with this dinner!" Law yelled. "If you need me, I'll be up in my room planning for the music festival tomorrow!"

Law then left the room.

"Nice going, Soren. Law's food is going to waste now, and I'm not happy. And, when I'm not happy, you get a Diable Jambe to your pretty face," Sanji said to the eldest Sarutobi.

"Cook-san, drop it like it's hot. Hipster-san must have come here after a long day of driving, so he must be stressed," Robin said as she grabbed the bottle of tequila that was in front of Thierry.

"Hey! We need our booze!" Thierry, Kaoru, Wolfgang, Franky, Brook, Shanks, Monet, all of the Supernovas but Bonney, Daruma, Grandma Magda, and Quinn shouted.

"Obviously, Hipster-san needs it the most," Robin said before she left the room.

"Bow-chika-bow-wow!" Jin-Mao yelled. Bonney sighed.

"I'm going to go check on Law," Bonney said before she followed Robin out of the room. Maeve watched the whole spectacle with rapt attention.

"Wow, Jodie, this is more exciting than I thought. Aoi, live a little! Say something to make everyone laugh! Bullet, you should totally steal Law's empanada. Leon, make us fried ice cream for dessert," Maeve said to her personalities as Bonney and Robin returned.

"Status update: Law has locked himself in his bedroom, and he's playing Joanna Newsom at full blast. This is not looking good. This will be a long night filled with hipster-shaming, shouts of 'I am so done', and more fights than Jerry Springer," Bonney said to everyone.

"Hipster-shaming?! Well, excuse me, princess!" Heathcliffe yelled. Bonney sighed and buried her face in her hands.

"Like I said, it's not looking good," Bonney said to herself.

"C-Can't we all just get along?!" Brook cried.

"_Take a walk, take a walk, take a walk  
>Take a walk, oh-oh-oh<br>Take a walk, oh-oh-oh  
>I take a walk<br>Take a walk, take a walk, take a walk  
>Take a walk, take a walk, take a walk<em>," Kazura, Edmund, Rhett, Miller, and Lien sang angrily to the Capricorns. Then, Bepo crashed through the house on an ATV while several dogs barked in the background.

"I like chocolate milk!" Bepo yelled.

* * *

><p>The next morning, everyone decided to leave the cabin, since they didn't want to pay the damages Bepo did to the cabin.<p>

"Well, we're going to go rent another cabin. What about you guys?" Nami asked.

"We're going to that new hipster hotel that just opened," Kazura answered.

"We're going to the Ritz," Yuki-Rin answered.

"We're leaving. Why are we here anyway?" Monet asked as she left with Shanks, Ace, Sabo, Kaya, Vivi, and the Supernovas. Nami turned to Maeve.

"Well, Maeve, pick your poison. Do you want to stay in a cabin with us, at the Ritz-Carlton with the Capricorns, or some hipster hotel with the Libras?" Nami asked. Maeve looked to Luffy, then to Yuki-Rin, then to Yukari and Kazura.

"Meh. We're going to Vegas. I had fun up here, though," Maeve said before she picked up her bags and walked off. "Later, guys."

Nami turned to Luffy.

"We are never having a vacation together in a cabin in Lake Tahoe again," Nami said to Luffy, who grinned.

"Maeve's right! We had fun, right?" Luffy asked.

"No, we did not!" The Libras and Capricorns yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see the Director's Cut of this story!<strong>


	83. Lougetown Beach

**Author's Note:** Remember all of those shows like The O.C. and Laguna Beach that were about spoiled, rich kids living on the beach in Southern California? Yeah, you're getting a parody of it. Plus, you won't have annoyingly shallow and superficial people in this parody - Just the One Piece characters you like and heaping amounts of crack. :D

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Also, this is not meant to make fun of the thousands of people who live in beach cities in Southern California. I mean, the beach rocks! You can get ice cream, walk your dog, play games at the boardwalk, look for seashells, watch a televised volleyball game, people-watch (read: stalk) people from your beachside home... Oh, who are we kidding here? Let's get on with the story!**

**tl;dr Disclaimer - I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>Welcome to Lougetown Beach, California. It's another one of those beach cities in Southern California that got a show in the mid-2000's. Let's take a look at the elite high schoolers of Lougetown Beach, shall we?<p>

"Mom, I'm bored!" Nami said as she wandered around her mansion.

"Don't you have a date with Sanji?" Bellemeré asked.

"We broke up last night, remember?" Nami said.

"Why? And don't give me that 'it's complicated' or 'friendzone' shit. Ain't nobody got time for that," Bellemeré asked.

"Because I don't give a chapstick about Rebel Wilson!" Nami yelled, snapping her fingers in a Z-formation. Bellemeré sighed. "I'm going out and I will max out your credit card on useless items I don't need."

Nami then left the mansion.

"Drive safe!" Bellemeré yelled as Nojiko came downstairs, wearing Sanji's clothing. "Oi! Don't tell me you stole Sanji from Nami!"

Nojiko flipped her hair.

"What?! Can't a girl cosplay without being questioned?!" Nojiko cried.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the local thrift shop, our other protagonist, Jewelry Bonney, was selling some clothes.<p>

"Sword Art Online? That's too mainstream," Kazura - the clerk - commented as he looked over Bonney's clothing.

"Yeah, that's why I'm selling it. Sword Art Online is too mainstream. I prefer the new SyFy Channel show Defiance. I'm sure you've never heard of it," Bonney explained. Kazura pulled out a shirt that said "I don't think, therefore, I am" and laughed.

"Man! I thought this shirt went out of style!" Kazura laughed. "Were you on crack or something when you bought it?!"

"No, actually. It was a gift from relatives I don't like, and I think they're druggies," Bonney explained.

"Hey, Yukari!" Kazura yelled to the blonde girl in the back. "Do you promise not to laugh when I show you this?!"

Kazura held the shirt up to his sister, who laughed. Bonney sighed.

"Oh, did you hear? The Abingdons are back from their week-long vacation to Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, and Iceland," Kazura asked. "They're throwing a big 'welcome back' party tonight."

"A welcome back party? Okay, one, it's Wednesday, meaning that it's a school night. And, two, they were only gone for a week. Why are they throwing a welcome back party?" Bonney asked.

"I heard there was going to be In-N-Out," Kazura answered.

"In-N-Out is too mainstream. Go to Five Guys," Yukari added. Some other people in the store glared at Yukari.

"Burn the witch!" Kaku yelled. (1)

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, our third protagonist, Stella-Rondo, was at the beach sketching whatever was at the beach.<p>

"Why can't I draw the fog?!" Stella-Rondo cried angrily.

"It's not called 'fog'. It's called 'marine layer'," A hipster named Trafalgar Law said arrogantly. Stella-Rondo glared at Law for exactly two minutes.

"'Marine layer' is too mainstream. I prefer the term 'fog'," Stella-Rondo said as she put her sketchbook in her bag and walked away.

"I thought you were going to give me coupons to that gelato place!" Law cried.

* * *

><p>That night, Nami attended the Abingdon's "Welcome back from Scandanavia" party, which was held outside in the large, screened-in veranda.<p>

"How can this party be outside if it's in a screened-in veranda?" Nami asked Stella-Rondo and Bonney.

"For the last time, I am NOT Lauren Conrad!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

"I know, right? She's the fakest girl ever!" Bonney said in agreement.

"Praise the Time Lords! We're not in a parody of The Hills!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

"Yet," The authoress added. Nami huffed.

"Sofi needs a ladder..." Nami muttered to herself. Kartik approached the three girls.

"I see you're enjoying the music," Kartik commented.

"Play some more of Wolfgang Gartner's collaborations with Deadmau5," Stella-Rondo requested.

"Wolfgang Gartner produces dubstep, which is too mainstream. I prefer Grizzly Bear," Bonney stated.

"Professor Meowingtons hates you," Kartik told Bonney before he walked away.

"Yeah, well Deadmau5 loves his cat more than you!" Bonney retorted.

"So, how's the party?" Stella-Rondo asked everyone.

"At least nobody's making out in closets. And at least none of the guys are Spencer Pratt," Nami answered. "Hey, do you think that Miller Pratt guy in my English class is related to Spencer Pratt?"

"Of course not. Miller's a hipster. He's in the school's chapter of Pitchfork Magazine. I'm sure you've never heard of Pitchfork," Bonney explained.

"Like, shut the electronic capacitor!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

"Oh, my calorimeter!" Nami cried like a valley girl.

"What in the name of Newton's Third Law of Motion?!" Bonney cried. Nami and Stella-Rondo turned serious.

"What the alternating current?" Nami asked.

"In-N-Out catered this party!" Bonney yelled as Blueno and Kaku pushed trays of In-N-Out burgers, fries, drinks, and even more burgers, fries, and drinks into the room. Everyone grew silent.

"Not much variety, but, okay. It's In-N-Out," Nami said blankly.

"Burn the witch!" Kaku yelled as he pointed to Nami.

"Did you bring a 4x4 = 12 for me?!" Luffy asked. Kaku pointed to Luffy.

"Burn the witch!" Kaku yelled.

"What do you have against people who have a negative to so-so reaction to In-N-Out?" Kazura asked.

"Burn the witch!" Kaku yelled as he pointed to Kazura.

"Alright, do you want me to call the police? You're being a disturbance to the public!" Kazura yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"Burn the witch!" Kaku yelled. Kazura sighed.

"I am so done," Kazura said to himself. "_That should become my catchphrase. I over-use it._"

Back with Nami, she was playing Pokémon on her DS.

"Oh, golly gee whiz! My Arbok evolved into Seviper!" Nami said in amazement.

"Arbok can't evolve into Seviper," Jin-Mao pointed out. Nami glared at him.

"Did I say you could talk?! No! Fluttershy would like for you to have a glass of 'shut the front gate'!" Nami yelled. Jin-Mao said nothing as he walked away.

"Drop the charges!" Bepo yelled. Nami sighed as Sanji, Edmund, Rhett, Miller, Zoro, Usopp, the Sarutobi brothers, Ace, and Sabo approached her. All of them wore barbrshop quartet costumes.

"Now what, Sanji?!" Nami cried.

"_Everywhere I go, bitches always know that Charlie Sheen - _" The "barbershop quartet" sang before Nami walked away.

"Nami-swan! Come back!" Sanji cried. Nami said nothing as she walked into the main foyer of the room.

"Hana, do you have my coat?" Nami asked the yaoi fangirl, who was running the coat check.

"Nope!" Hana said. "But, I now ship Japan and Austria!"

Nami sweatdropped as a timer went off.

"Looks like my shift's over," Hana said before she got up and walked away. Nami turned to Hana, and she saw her making-out with Holden. Zoro then sat down where Hana was sitting.

"Oi, welcome to the Mandalay Bay Las Vegas. Are you checking in today?" Zoro asked Nami.

"Zoro, we're in Southern California," Nami reminded the very lost swordsman.

"Then why did I get an E-mail from the Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas saying that I start work today?" Zoro asked. All was silent, until Yuki-Rin, with Aki and Sadie in tow, ran through the foyer.

"Come, peasants! We're going to Mexico!" Yuki-Rin yelled as she ran through the foyer. Nami and Zoro sweatdropped.

"If I give you a ride to the airport so you can go to Las Vegas for work, will you let me go home?" Nami asked. Zoro put on a fake mustache, a detective hat, and a headband with Gamzee's horns on it.

"But, of course," Zoro said in a fake, French accent. "I shall go with you to the ends of the Earth."

"Free salad!" Bepo yelled off-screen before a salad from McDonald's hit Nami on the head.

* * *

><p>About two hours later, Nami returned home.<p>

"I'm home!" Nami announced.

"You're grounded for not acting like those fake-ass girls on Laguna Beach!" Bellemeré said to Nami.

"I'm going to go to Wal-mart, and I'm gonna make sure that somebody plays Uriah in the _Divergent _movie," Nami said in all seriousness before she left the house. "And don't try to stop me! Cersei Lannister is gonna need a lot of booze to handle this shit!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Stella-Rondo, Bonney, Law, Bepo, Yukari, and Kazura were at the drive-through at McDonald's.<p>

"_Hi, welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?_"

Everyone in the car snickered, waiting for Kidd's - the drive-through worker's - reaction to Law's order.

"Yeah, can I have six orders of the Chicken Selects?" Law requested.

"_I'm sorry, sir, but we recently discontinued the Chicken Selects_."

"Okay. Can we have the pizza?" Law asked.

"_The fuck is this, Dominos?! We don't serve pizza!_"

"See if they have the McLobster," Kazura suggested.

"Got any McLobsters?" Law asked.

"_This is California, not New Hampshire. We don't serve McLobsters_."

Law smirked.

"Just get me six hot dogs," Law said with a very straight face. (2)

"_Sir, we don't - Trafalgar, you are the sickest man ever. Did you come here just to piss me off?_"

"Maybe," Law said. "Also, my hipster friends may or may not be with me."

Kidd grew silent.

"_Just drive up to the window. I don't need any of this_."

And, so, Law drove up to the drive-though window as that _California, Here We Come _song played in the background.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Here on the West Coast (read: California, Nevada, Arizona, and maybe Oregon, Washington, and Idaho), we take In-N-Out very seriously (though not as seriously as Kaku). Although they only sell burgers, fries, and drinks, it is some of the best food ever, so we have reason to defend it.

**(2) - **Once upon a time, McDonald's actually sold hot dogs. Make what you will of that.

**Review if you want to see parodies of The Hills, Beverly Hills: 90210, or even (insert obligatory Los Angeles-based T.V. show about working in the entertainment industry here).**


	84. The FamilyFriendly Version of Ikkitousen

**Author's Note: **So, who's seen the anime Ikkitousen? I haven't, so let's make a parody of it! Thank you, TVTropes for the summary of the show.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Ikkitousen.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal morning as the Straw Hats awoke. However, their surroundings seemed... Different.<p>

"Hey, we're in Vegas!" Nami said as she looked outside the window of their hotel, the MGM Grand.

"Marimo - I mean, Moffat!" Sanji cried, shaking his fist. Zoro then picked up a giant X.

"I found this letter," Zoro said as he picked up a note. "I also found this note from the authoress."

The Straw Hats crowded around Zoro, trying to read the letter.

**Dear Straw Hats,**

**I needed a new chapter for this fanfic. So, I did what any sensible crack fanfiction writer did - I sent a bunch of you to Las Vegas to compete in an event that can be best described as "Ikkitousen without the death, mangantama thingies, and panty shots". Why Las Vegas, I don't know. Anyway, here's a list of your opponents:**

**- The rest of the Supernovas**

**- The Shichibukai**

**- Cipher Pol 9**

**- The Capricorns**

**- The Libras**

**- Bepo**

**- Monet**

**- Bellemeré**

**- Nojiko**

**- Ace**

**- Sabo**

**- Smoker**

**- Tashigi**

**- Kaya**

**- Garp**

**- Sengoku**

**- Vivi**

**- Shanks**

**- Yasopp**

**- The three Admirals**

**- Perona**

**Have fun in Las Vegas, and may the odds be ever in your favor!**

**- The Authoress**

**P.S. The winner or winners win awesome stuff.**

Zoro blinked.

"Okay..." Zoro said like Hazel and Augustus. "I want breakfast."

Zoro then left the room. A few minutes later, Zoro arrived, looking beat-up.

"Monet beat me up for no reason. She told me that I was in the wrong neighborhood," Zoro explained.

* * *

><p>Later that day, Nami decided to take a walk to clear her mind of this weirdo tournament.<p>

"Has the authoress lost her mind? Ikkitousen is basically the softcore porn version of _Romance of the Three Kingdoms_," Nami asked herself as she boarded the monorail. Instantly, Wolfgang, Miller, Sengoku, Monet, and Apoo jumped out of nowhere.

"Adventure Time!" Wolfgang, Miller, Sengoku, Monet, and Apoo shouted. Nami jumped back in shock.

"What the Fruits Basket?!" Nami cried.

"We're your alliance," Monet said in a creepy manner. Sengoku bitch-slapped Monet as he approached Nami with a piece of paper.

"Here, more rules. The authoress loves to kill trees, doesn't she?" Sengoku asked.

"I cut down some of those trees!" Miller yelled as Nami opened the paper.

**Alliances the authoress made because she felt like it:**

**Alliance #1: Nami, Wolfgang Katsuragi, Miller Pratt, Pants Bullet, Harpy Monet, Sengoku, and Scratchman Apoo**

**Alliance #2: Jyabura, Vivi Nefetari, Enlai Li, Basil Hawkins, Mikuri Matsumoto, and Leon Richard**

**Alliance #3: Yukari Miyafuji, Sanji, Molly O'Flannigan, Donquixote Doflamingo, Yasopp, Foley Maeve, and Monkey D. Garp**

**Alliance #4: Jewelry Bonney, Aoi Hagiwara, Stella-Rondo, Alto Jarvis, Holden Sarutobi, Aokiji Kuzan, Gecko Moria, and Kaya**

**Alliance #5: Bepo, Nojiko, Dracule Mihawk, Sabo, Aurelia Sarutobi, Usopp, Sayuki Matsumoto, Urouge, Kumadori, and Tony Tony Chopper**

**Alliance #6 (Obligatory "strongest team in the competition"; They're so badass, it's a team with people who have both first AND last names): Boa Hancock, Heathcliffe Sarutobi, Monkey D. Luffy, Kazura Miyafuji, Jodie Walker, Rob Lucci, Trafalgar Law, Edmund Abingdon, Gareth Archer, and Nico Robin**

**Everyone else: Every man or woman for themselves**

**By the way, the following people are NOT allowed to make alliances with anybody:**

**Roronoa Zoro, Eustass Kidd, Daruma Hideyoshi, Akainu Sakazuki, Kizaru Borsalino, Daisuke Saburo, Red-Haired Shanks, and Ajax**

From inside the monorail, Nami and her alliance could hear Shanks' angry shouting and beeped-out swearing.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, with the "obligatory strongest team", they were in some penthouse at the Cosmopolitian.<p>

"_Making pancakes, making bacon pancakes. Making pancakes, making bacon pancakes_," Luffy sang as he made bacon pancakes.

"_In New York!_" Hancock sang.

"So... What are we supposed to do?" Kazura asked his alliance.

"Go find somebody outside of the alliance and curb-stomp them," Lucci explained. Kazura sighed.

"Why am I here?" Kazura asked everyone.

"It was a mandate. You HAD to be here, or else the authoress will give you her tickets to see Hancock's next lecture at the Learning Annex, Hipster-san," Robin explained. Everyone but Hancock grew silent, as she was still singing about being in New York.

"I think I'll stay. I won't do any actual fighting, but..." Kazura said. Hancock cheered, clapped her hands, and jumped up and down.

"Oh, goody! Yay! Kazura-kun is staying!" Hancock said before her mood changed. "Luffy-sama is mine. Touch him, and I come after you."

"Touch," Gareth said as he poked Luffy's shoulder. Hancock got out a rubber chicken.

"I hope you like to get strangled with a rubber chicken," Hancock said. Fearing for his life and reputation, Gareth ran screaming from the room.

* * *

><p>With alliance #5, they were walking down the streets of Vegas, with Usopp carrying Chopper in a papoose. At this moment, Chopper began to squirm uncomfortably.<p>

"Chopper, what's wrong? Do I need to check to see if Jennifer Lawrence is in your closet?" Usopp asked.

"Why is everyone judging us like a Tumblr gif?" Chopper asked Usopp.

"It's because we have a polar bear with us," Nojiko pointed out. Bepo began to cry.

"I'm sorry I was born a bear?! Why can't I be George R.R. Martin in this life?!" Bepo sobbed.

"Yeah, well my mother started collecting Beanie Babies four years after she died," Sayuki argued. Chopper hopped out of the papoose.

"I don't care! Your face sucks!" Chopper yelled as Shanks approached them.

"Can I join -" Shanks asked before he was cut off.

"No!" Bepo, Nojiko, Mihawk, Sabo, Aurelia, Usopp, Sayuki, Urouge, Kumadori, and Chopper yelled. Chopper then changed into his Monster Point.

"Taquitos!" Chopper yelled before he pushed Shanks to the ground. Chopper then transformed back into his regular self. "Where's your God of Roadside Hotels now, bitch?!"

"_My name is Jack... I'm on the floor_," Shanks sang as he rocked himself. Usopp looked to the rest of his group.

"Anybody want to get Baja Fresh?" Usopp asked.

"Why the hell not?" Aurelia asked as she nochalantly punched Jyabura in the face.

* * *

><p>Back with the "strongest alliance", they were skipping down the Las Vegas Strip.<p>

"_Sometimes, I can't believe it. I'm moving past the feeling. Sometimes, I can't believe it. I'm moving past the feeling_!" Law sang as they skipped down the street. Then, Zoro approached them. "Holy shit, it's Zoro! We're moving to Halifax!"

Screaming for their mothers, the "strongest alliance" ran off. Zoro sweatdropped.

"I just want to know where I can buy sunscreen!" Zoro cried, even though he was standing in front of a convenience store. "Oh, well, I'll go find that Locke Sarutobi kid. Maybe he knows what SPF sunscreen I need."

Speaking of Locke, he broke off his previous engagements and he was now at a frozen yogurt shop with Yasopp, Kizaru, Perona, Franky, Kartik, and Kumashi. Suddenly, Franky snapped and flipped over the table for no reason.

"Carl, that kills people!" Franky shouted. The security guards for this Ikkitousen thingie - Coby and Helmeppo - approached the group.

"Oi, oi, who flipped this table over for no reason?!" Helmeppo asked everyone. Franky pointed to Kizaru.

"You're coming with us," Coby said as he and Helmeppo grabbed Kizaru's wrists.

"Nooooo! Mommy!" Kizaru screamed as Coby and Helmeppo dragged him off. Everyone else glared at Franky.

"Go sit in the corner. You're in time-out until we leave," Locke explained.

"Until we leave Vegas or the fro-yo shop?" Franky asked. Locke facepalmed.

"Frozen yogurt shop, smart alec!" Locke yelled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the members of alliance #3 were sitting in Garp's car outside of a Sonic.<p>

"So, now what?" Sanji asked everyone.

"Let's get naked!" Doflamingo suggested.

"No, we're only doing that if we sell real estate," Sanji explained. Yukari, Garp, Molly, and Yasopp sweatdropped.

"Oh, guys, where's Maeve? She's supposed to be with us, but she's not here," Yukari asked.

"She probably dropped out of the show at the last minute. That's what I would've done," Yasopp explained.

"Yasopp, you do know that you have to go to a shitty Learning Annex lecture Hancock is doing if you don't do this Ikkitousen parody, right?" Sanji asked.

"Jesus Christ, no!" Yasopp yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"So, what do we do next?" Molly asked everyone. Garp started the car.

"Hey! This is my car!" Sanji yelled.

"And this is my idea!" Garp argued. "Now, stop talking, or we won't go to the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic store!"

Everyone in the car screamed as Garp drove away.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Straw Hats were eating breakfast.<p>

"It doesn't even feel like we're in Ikkitousen. I haven't even gotten into a single fight yesterday," Usopp explained.

"Hey, cheer up. I fought that Aleksandar dude, and his two cousins, Pearl and Lien, threatened to disassemble me WITH SCREWDRIVERS. It could be a lot worse," Franky explained. Then, somebody knocked on the door. Luffy answered it to Hancock, Law, Heathcliffe, Kazura, Lucci, Edmund, and Gareth.

"Hi, there! At dawn, we ride!" Edmund greeted Luffy.

"Okay..." Luffy said before he turned back to his crew. "Robin, at dawn, we ride!"

Later in the afternoon, the "strongest alliance" was riding down the Las Vegas Strip on Segways.

"Faster! Faster!" Luffy yelled.

"We can't go any bloody faster!" Edmund shouted as the Segways all ran out of gas together. "Oh, son of a -"

Law picked up his Segway like he was Shizuo Heiwajima.

"IZAYA-KUN!" Law yelled before he threw his Segway, which hit Crocodile.

"Ow! My nutbladder!" Crocodile yelled. Lucci's cell phone then rang.

"Hello?" Lucci asked before he went silent. "Brooklyn Rage!"

Lucci then stomped on his phone like he was Izaya Orihara.

"Now what?" Edmund asked.

"Chubby Bunny!" Heathcliffe announced before he started cramming marshmallows into his mouth.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Lucci was visiting Kalifa in the hospital.<p>

"Now I know the meaning of 'L'eggo my Eggo'," Kalifa told Lucci, who simply blinked.

"I'm going to CALL THE MIDWIFE," Lucci said as he pressed a button. The Libras then entered.

"Why are YOU AND ME, ME AND YOU here?!" Kalifa asked.

"We're your midwives," Edmund explained.

"I'm not even pregnant! It's not even LAST NIGHT OF THE PROMS," Kalifa explained.

"No shit, SHERLOCK," Edmund argued.

"Oh, this is ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS," Kazura said sarcastically.

"You can thank OUR FRIENDS IN THE NORTH for that," Miller added.

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Kalifa asked the hipster pirates.

"SORRY, I HAVEN'T A CLUE," Yukari apologized. Lucci facepalmed.

"I'm calling the Doctor!" Lucci announced as he pressed the button for the doctor.

"DOCTOR WHO?" Everyone asked. Then, the TARDIS materalized in the room. Wolfgang, Hana, and Yuki-Rin stepped out of the TARDIS, dressed as the Ninth, Tenth, and Eleventh Doctors, respectively. The Libras, Kalifa, and Lucci sweatdropped.

"You are not a doctor! This is sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled.

"_Kindness cannot ease every anguish in the world. But, tenderly applied, it can transfigure fortunes, light up faces - _"

"Shut up, Vanessa Redgrave!" The Libras, Yuki-Rin, Hana, Wolfgang, Kalifa, and Lucci yelled.

"Oh, we also came to tell you that this Ikkitousen thing is over," Hana said.

"Did we win?!" Lucci and Kalifa asked.

"Actually, no. None of us won," Yuki-Rin explained.

"Wait, if none of us won, then who won?" Rhett asked.

"We did!"

Foley Maeve and her personalities entered the room.

"You weren't even in the competition! You ditched us!" Miller yelled.

"Miller, Jodie wants you to shut up, or else she's going to cast you in a parody of _Seven Brides For Seven Brothers_, because, apparently, you're a lonesome lumberjack," Maeve explained.

"Stop it. _Seven Brides For Seven Brothers _is a masterpiece," Miller said. "As for you, Foley Maeve, you have to attend Boa Hancock's next lecture at The Learning Annex."

Maeve screamed.

"Brace yourself, Aoi, strippers are coming! Jodie, we have to go buy Pop Tarts! Bullet, bring your Toms shoes! That's right, Leon, we need to go to our zombie apocalypse shelter in Texas!" Maeve shouted before she hopped out of a window. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Was Maeve the one who took your Eggos?" Yukari asked Kalifa.

"No, that was Chopper and Ajax," Kalifa answered.

* * *

><p>That night, Stella-Rondo, Edmund, Miller, Locke, Opal, and Aleksandar found themselves performing at a nightclub.<p>

"Thank you, thank you," Locke thanked the audience as he strummed a guitar. "We're not The Lumineers. But, we do a kickass cover of _Ho Hey_."

Locke then began to play the aformentioned song on his guitar.

"Oh, by the way, does anybody know why the girls of Ikkitousen wear Chinese dresses? This is totes important," Stella-Rondo asked the audience.

In the back of the club sat Maeve, who was nursing a chocolate milk.

"I'm getting out of here. Vegas got too mainstream," Maeve said to herself as she put on a nifty pair of hipster glasses.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more escapades in Vegas!<strong>


	85. Second Anniversary Special!

**Author's Note: **Well, everybody, happy second anniversary of **The DysFUNctional Pirates**! Since the first anniversary of the fic kind of sucked, I decided to go all out with this chapter, as an excuse to celebrate. At 11,000+ words, including both the author's notes and footnotes, this is the longest chapter of the fic, and I'm not even trolling anybody with that number. Why do I have such a long chapter?

As most of you may know, **luffykotheeevee **and I have a pretty good relationship. Since I put her character, Foley Maeve, into my fanfiction, she puts the Capricorns and the Libras in her fanfiction. In her story **One Piece: A Hundred Perspectives**, in an OC arc, the Straw Hats were going to dock at an island called Yukijima to get medical care for a sick Maeve. Unfortunately, since the island is a hangout for Nobles and Marines, the Straw Hats are attacked by Marines. The Capricorns stop the attack, all while wearing badass formal wear. Then, it leads to an adventure including hiding out in a cave and rescuing some of the Capricorns and Straw Hats.

Unfortunately, **luffykotheeevee **is re-writing AHP, meaning that we may never see what transpired at Yukijima.

But, that doesn't mean I can tell you the TRUE story of what happened at Yukijima. A story involving lots of musical numbers, breaking the fourth wall several times over, lack of a coherent plot, the Capricorns in badass formal wear (just like in Strong World), and hipster music festivals. This is why we have a 10,000+ story - To cover all of the events that (supposedly) happened at Yukijima.

Anyway, there will be a couple of other chapters that will be as long - or longer - than this chapter. Not only is it a three-day weekend and the two-year anniversary for this fic, but school ended for the summer on Thursday for me, so it's a good excuse to write long chapters.

Without further ado, let us begin our cracky tale.

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. Special thanks to luffykotheeevee for letting me use Maeve, her personalities, and the ideas of what would've happened at Yukijima.**

* * *

><p><strong>Alt. Title: "Yukijima: The True, Untold Story."<strong>

It was a few days since the Straw Hats reached the Grand Line, when Zoro had an announcement to make.

"I like turtles," Zoro said derpily. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Yes, Jodie, it's THAT MEME. I'm actually partial to the 'I like trains' meme, Aoi. Bullet, you should send a Snap Chat of that to A.A.A. Leon, could you make us some more ice cream bread? Yes, Cube, I am aware that George R.R. Martin wrote the Red Wedding scenes in _A Storm of Swords _last because he didn't like them," Maeve said to her personalities.

"Nami-swan, what's the next island?" Sanji asked.

"Yukijima. A hangout for rich people," Nami answered.

"Oh! So it's like the Hamptons?" Maeve asked. The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

"What are the Hamptons? Is it like the Hampton Inn hotels?" Usopp asked.

"The Hamptons are in a place called 'New York', and rich people go on vacation there," Robin - who was now part of the crew this early alongside Chopper, Brook, and Franky - explained.

"Oh! So... We're going to the Hamptons?" Maeve asked. Everyone face-faulted.

"No. But, Zoro has an announcement to make," Zoro said, talking in third-person.

"Why are you talking in third person, Marimo?" Sanji asked.

"Because Zoro does whatever the Fruit Loops Zoro wants!" Zoro yelled. "But, Zoro did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

Everyone sweatdropped.

"So, what's this announcement you have to make?" Usopp asked.

"Make it quick! My soaps are on in five!" Franky ordered.

"We won a free week at the Fancypants Hotel a Hilton Hotel, or the FPHHH," Zoro explained.

"Tee-hee. FPHHH," Maeve snickered, making vaguely-sounding sucking noises.

"Zoro, how and WHY did you win a free week at a hotel?" Nami asked.

"Long story..." Zoro said.

* * *

><p><strong>*Begin Flashback, Several Days Ago*<strong>

_Zoro was at a princess party at a mall, arguing with Tashigi._

_"For the last time, YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY WHO DIED!" Zoro yelled._

_"Who died?!" Tashigi cried._

_"You wouldn't know her!" Zoro yelled. Tashigi got her wallet out and threw it at Zoro._

_"I don't have time for this! I have a fridge, a Marine Commodore with a smoking addiction, and episodes of Fairly Odd Parents to get home to!" Tashigi yelled before she stormed off. Zoro then picked up Tashigi's wallet and went through it._

_"Hmmm... McDonald's gift card, Starbucks gift card, Olive Garden gift card, Coldstone Creamery gift card, Barnes and Noble gift card, Burger King gift card..." Zoro said as he looked through Tashigi's wallet. "A free week at a hotel?! Awesomesauce!"_

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

><p>"Braeburn, Big Macintosh, stahp!" Maeve said happily.<p>

"So... Is this on Yukijima?" Nami asked.

"Yep! The San Diego of this portion of the Grand Line!" Zoro said.

"I thought we were going to the Hamptons," Usopp pointed out. Zoro glared at Usopp.

"You watch too much Doctor Who. And lay off the Tim Horton's," Zoro said in all serious.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Straw Hats arrived at Yukijima.<p>

"It's just like San Hamptons Diego!" Maeve commented. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Uhh... Close enough?" Nami questioned.

"Now, Nami, you're not supposed to question my logic. Only Cube is supposed to question my logic," Maeve explained.

"**Fact: Silent film star Sessue Hayakawa fought in the French Resistance during World War II**," Cube recited from Bullet's belt.

"A Japanese-American actor fighting for France, huh? Cool beans!" Usopp said. Luffy broke into a wide grin.

"Sugoi! Hipsters!" Luffy shouted as he pointed to Yukari and Kazura.

"You guys came to Yukijima too?" Kazura asked.

"Yep! Zoro got us a free night at the Fancypants Hotel!" Luffy answered.

"Cool. We're here for the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival," Kazura said.

"Where are you guys staying?" Yukari asked.

"We just told you! The Fancypants Hotel!" Luffy answered. Yukari and Kazura just stared at Luffy.

"I don't think that hotel exists, but okay," Kazura said. "We got the Hampton Inn. However, Locke had to go take care of something, so he's at a Motel 6. So far, it's just me, Yukari, the Abingdons, Locke, and Miller on the island. Everyone else disappeared for no reason."

Maeve stroked her invisible Seneca Crane beard. Something was up.

"Hmm... Maeve is stroking her invisible Seneca Crane beard. Something is up," Maeve said, repeating the narrator verbatim.

"Let it go, Maeve. We have to get to the hotel so they can give us free cookies," Nami said to Maeve before turning to Yukari and Kazura. "We'll see you two around."

"See you!" Yukari said.

"Oh, boy! Cookies!" Maeve yelled as they resumed walking.

"Maeve's right. I have a weird feeling about this," Sanji said to his crew.

"Shut up or you're not using the minibar!" Zoro yelled.

* * *

><p>At the local Hampton Inn, Miller, Kazura, and Edmund were kicking back in Kazura's room.<p>

"So... Locke's staying at Motel 6," Edmund said.

"Hope Tom Bodette left the light on for him," Kazura said, causing the three hipsters to laugh hard.

"Well, they should've kicked him out by now. I mean, shouldn't Locke be here by now?" Miller asked.

"Let's go pick him up," Kazura said. "Plus, Aleksandar, Mason, Aurelia, Pearl, and Lien said they would be here soon."

"Perfect. I'll go get Rhett," Edmund said as he got up.

"Why do we need Rhett?" Kazura asked.

"Because Lien wasn't avaliable," Edmund answered. "I also tried Mason, but he said he couldn't go, because he said he was shopping for some more eyeliner. I mean, who in their right mind does that?"

"Trannies?" Kazura answered.

"Besides transvestites," Edmund added.

* * *

><p>A few short minutes later, Kazura, Rhett, Edmund, and Miller arrived at a Motel 6.<p>

"Why am I here again?" Rhett asked.

"Hipsters always travel in packs. For protection," Miller explained as they approached a hotel room.

"I'm just a one-man wolfpack, Miller."

Aleksandar approached the "hipster pack".

"What are you doing here?" Miller asked.

"Mason freakin' ditched me at the Rubio's," Aleksandar explained.

"Wait, so he left you with that Rubio guy from the Capricorns, or did he leave you at that Mexican food place of the same name?" Rhett asked.

"Mexican food place," Aleksandar answered. Kazura sighed.

"Great. Now that you mentioned Rubio, you just jinxed our trip by bringing the Capricorns into the picture. Way to go, Aleksandar Sarutobi," Kazura said before he knocked on the door of the room. "Locke, it's us! We're not Capricorns! It's Kazura, Edmund, Rhett, Miller, and Aleksandar! You can come out from your blanket fort or something!"

A few moments later, Locke came out of the room.

"Good afternoon, sleepyhead. Did Tom Bodette leave the light for you?" Edmund asked.

"Yeah..." Locke said, scratching the back of his head.

"How did you end up at a Motel 6?" Aleksandar asked.

"I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say the Capricorns were involved," Locke explained. The hipsters grew silent.

"Well, then, I think we should start the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival festivities!" Edmund said nervously.

* * *

><p>About an hour later, the rest of the Libras arrived at the Hampton Inn, and they had some sort of party going on in the suite the second-gen Sarutobis were staying in. Maeve was also there for some reason, playing cards with the Abingdon siblings, Yukari, Fernando, Pearl, Lien, Jin-Mao, Daiyu, Aleksandar, Marlene, Opal, and Miller.<p>

"Four Aces!" Maeve said as she showed everyone two Joker cards, a six of clubs, and a king of diamonds.

"Cheater!" Everyone else yelled as they threw their cards to Fernando.

"Yo no se jugar este juego," Fernando muttered. (1)

"Wow, Aoi, I'm winning all of these games like I'm Charlie Sheen. I think it's beginner's luck, Jodie. I think the tater tots are almost done, Bullet. We'll go down to the store to buy some Pringles and snack cakes after this game, Leon. Wow, Cube, I didn't know the passenger pigeon became extinct in 2002," Maeve said to her personalities before her mood darkened. "Guys, you may want to watch out, just saying."

"Why?! It's not like anybody's going to jack our money while we wait for Vampire Weekend's set!" Lien asked.

"No, it's not that..." Maeve said. "It's just that I have the feeling that this is the end of normalcy. The end of good times, and the beginnings of something crazy. You might want to watch out for the next twenty-four to thirty-six hours."

The entire room grew silent.

"**Fact: When adjusted for inflation, _Gone With the Wind _is the highest-grossing movie of all time**," Cube recited.

"Shut up, Cube!" Everyone in the room yelled. Then, somebody knocked on the door.

"I'll get it," Yukari said as she got up and walked across the room to the door. She answered it to Smoker and Tashigi. "Yes?"

"We're here for the one they call 'Justin Bieber' - I mean, Foley Maeve," Smoker said in a half-badass manner.

"_Darn! I wish they were here for Justin Bieber! It would be nice to live in a world without Justin Bieber!_" Yukari thought to herself.

"That be me," Maeve said as she got up from her seat. "Where are we going?"

"We're here to take you back to the Yukijima Marriott," Tashigi explained.

"Yukijima Marriott? I'm staying at the Fancypants Hotel - A Hilton Hotel," Maeve explained.

"The FPHHH filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. It's now a Marriott hotel," Smoker explained.

"By the way, you are exactly five seconds late," Tashigi explained. "But, first, we have to go to the liquor store to get lotto tickets."

Maeve turned to the Libras.

"I'll see you around, right?" Maeve asked.

"Heck yeah!" Lien said. "If you win the Yukijima Lottery, call us. We'll bake you cinnamon rolls, since cakes are too mainstream sometimes."

"Okay! Bye, guys!" Maeve aid as she left the room with Smoker and Tashigi.

"Bye, Maeve!" The Libras said back. As Yukari closed the door, she turned back to her fellow hipsters.

"So... Gogol Bordello and Passion Pit are on in an hour. Shall we go?" Yukari asked.

"Just let me get my hipster scarf, and we'll hit the town!" Kazura said before he went into the closet. Yukari sighed.

"I have a weird feeling about this..." Yukari said to herself.

"Anything wrong, Yukari?" Edmund asked.

"I think Maeve's right - Things are going to get as crazy as a foregin film," Yukari said.

* * *

><p>At the liquor store, Smoker, Tashigi, and Maeve were in line to get their ticket. In front of them was Wolfgang, who was buying lots of booze, snacks, lotto tickets, and other stuff.<p>

"Get on with it! There's a dog that needs to sniff a fire hydrant somewhere!" Smoker yelled to Wolfgang.

"I don't think he can hear you, Mr. Smoker," Maeve asked. "Also, can I have a lottery ticket too?"

"No, you may not have a lottery ticket. You can have an ice cream cone," Smoker explained.

"Why are we still in line?" Tashigi asked.

"Because frittatas! What the hell can't they do?!" Smoker yelled. "If you can't eat your meat, you won't get any pudding!"

* * *

><p>After buying a lotto ticket against Smoker and Tashigi's rules, Maeve returned to the Straw Hats at the Yukijima Marriott.<p>

"Long day, Maeve?" Usopp asked.

"At least I got a lottery ticket out of it," Maeve said as she picked up a bottle from the minibar and drank it.

"Maeve, that's Seven-Up," Sanji pointed out.

"Taco salad," Maeve burped. "Say, Aoi, when is the Panties Bowl going to be on? Jodie, no I am not to buy a Yukijima Island backscratcher. Bullet, go watch Wife Swap. Leon, nobody gives a tablet computer about feeding the ducks. Cube, stop. Just stop."

"So, who's excited for this vacation?" Sanji asked.

"I want to get chocolate wasted!" Maeve yelled.

"Why the Hellman's mayonnaise not?! Let's all get chocolate wasted! We're all having candy for dinner!" Sanji said. All of the Straw Hats cheered.

"Fuck yeah!" Chopper swore.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Straw Hats arrived at a Ritz-Carlton.<p>

"Why are we at the Ritz? Shouldn't we be at a candy store?" Usopp asked Sanji.

"For no reason at all, the candy store is outside," Sanji explained. Then, the Libras, Bonney, and Law exited the hotel, looking dejected.

"Hey, guys, what's wrong?" Maeve asked.

"They cancelled the rest of the sets of the music festival because of a 'private party'! Of course, this REALLY rustles my jimmies, because The Black Keys were going to perform!" Miller ranted. Law sighed.

"Who booked the party?" Franky asked.

"Umm... Hello! Why are all ya'll forgetting about me?! A dolla' makes me holla', Honey Boo Boo Child!" Brook said like Honey Boo Boo.

"Apparently, rich, preppy people," Bonney answered.

"Are they the Abingdons?! Because they're rich and preppy," Maeve asked.

"Maeve, we're right here. And where are my parents? As far as I know, nowhere," Rhett explained.

"Hey, Rhett, let's ask Google 'Do you know where my parents went?'" Bridey suggested.

"Ain't nobody got time for that! We've got candy to eat!" Sanji said with a snap of his fingers. The hipsters sweatdropped.

"Want to come with us? A dinner consisting of only candy is an obscure thing you don't know about," Maeve asked.

"But, of course! Candy for dinner is awesome!" Daiyu said before everyone skipped into the hotel.

"Oi! This is a classy place! Stop skipping!" Cindry - a maid at the hotel - yelled. Beau responded by throwing plates at Cindry, who hates plates.

"Beau Hayward neé Farraday, stop that!" Quinn scolded.

"Save the trees! Eat off of these plates!" Beau yelled before the large group began skipping again.

"Watch out for the Oomu!" Franky yelled.

"Oi! What the fuck is an Oomu!" Zoro - who was leading everyone - shouted.

"I think it's from Charlie the Unicorn!" Nami shouted back before she realized something very, very grave. "Zoro, are you sure you're going in the right direction?"

Zoro then ran into the girl's bathroom, and ran out five seconds later with an angry Kalifa, Lola, and Madam Shirley chasing him.

"Run the other way! There's candy!" Zoro yelled before everyone ran Scooby Doo-style down the other way.

"Wow... I have to work on my legs," Law commented.

"Shut up. You already have nice, hipster legs," Bonney said through gritted teeth.

"That's because I wear skinny jeans!" Law cried as they ran back through the lobby. Law then realized something else that was also very grave. "Wait! We're going toward the -"

"The candy is this way, you arrogant hipster!" Sanji yelled.

"You sound like a pedophile!" Maeve retorted. "Aoi, we're almost to the candy shop. Jodie, stop jumping around like a bouncy ball. Bullet, put the cookie down. Leon, no you can't ask Stella-Rondo to draw you like one of her French girls. What did you say, Cube? Spongebob Squarepants was originally supposed to be for adults?! Well, I need an adult!"

"Uhh... Sanji, I think we should quit running," Kazura said.

"I think we shouldn't. You should have the manly physique of your father," Sanji said. Kazura sweatdropped.

"Dude! Since when were you gay for me?!" Kazura cried.

"I didn't say that. Ivankov is feeding me lines off-screen," Sanji explained. Kazura sighed.

"Don't make me quote that movie," Kazura threatened.

"If it's _Forrest Gump_, then I'm quitting this production!" The authoress shouted from off-screen. Kazura took a deep breath.

"Watch out for that -" Kazura yelled before Sanji ran right into the center of a dance floor in a nightclub. "Pack of ravers in formal attire."

The Libras, Straw Hats, Bonney, and Law looked up, and they saw they Capricorns, who were dressed in a cross between formal attire and rave attire.

"Of course," Edmund said with a sigh. "You ruin our fun AGAIN."

"We did something?" Daisuke asked his nakama.

"Yeah, you did! You cancelled the night's concerts for the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival! We've been holding tickets to see The Black Keys, Franz Ferdinand, and Flogging Molly for six months, and this is the thanks we get?! Stop being the most depraved crew ever and give us back our music!" Edmund yelled.

"Edmund Francis Shirley McYOLO Abingdon, you do NOT talk to the twenty-three year old version of your father like that," Kartik said to his son sternly. "We are much classier than that. We Abingdons hold ourselves to high standards, and we will never stoop to something as low as a Real Housewife of the Whitebeard Pirates."

Everyone grew silent. Maeve laughed nervously.

"**Fact: Due to an archival purge at the BBC offices, very few William Hartnell and Patrick Troughton episodes of Doctor Who exist today**," Cube recited.

"Let's get the Capricorns!" Mason yelled.

"For depravation and mainstream stuff!" The Capricorns yelled. Then, everyone began fighting as _Moves Like Jagger _played in the background.

"_It's voidey time! Do the Windy Thing!_"

Then, the Capricorns, the Libras, Maeve, Nami, Sanji, Bonney, and Law disappeared.

"Fifty bucks says that they're faking it," Zoro said.

"You are so insensitive," Usopp commented.

* * *

><p>When Maeve, Nami, Sanji, the Libras, the Capricorns, Bonney, and Law woke up, they were in a ditch.<p>

"What in the name of stuff?!" Maeve cried as she woke up.

"Where are we?" Nami asked.

"Oi, Capricorns, I hope Tom Bodette leaves the light OFF the next time you stay at a Motel 6!" Edmund yelled.

"But, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!" Hana argued.

"Because dental implants are all we do," Maeve added. Everyone grew silent.

"_Enough is enough, we're done!_ _You told me to think about it, well I did! Now, I don't wanna feel a thing anymore! I'm tired of begging for the things I want! I'm oversleeping like a dog on the floor!_" Holden sung/argued. Ivankov then appeared, wearing a very skimpy and gay millipede costume.

"Hi, everybody!" Ivankov greeted.

"Hi, Dr. Nick!" Everyone said back.

"Doctor Who?" Sanji asked. Everyone laughed in an uncomfortable manner. Ivankov snapped his fingers.

"Let's have some fun. This beat is sick. I want to take a ride on your disco stick," Ivankov said to the confused (and possibly passed out and dreaming) pirates. Then, several transvestites magically appeared with their transvestite magic.

"Get those trannies away from me!" Kazuma and Sanji yelled.

"Give me Mellorines!" Sanji yelled.

"Give me something manly! Like swords and half-naked samurai!" Kazuma yelled.

"Hey, dad, if you want half-naked samurai, go join those cross-dressers!" Kazura yelled angrily. Then, the music started.

"_I am a millipede  
>I am amazing<br>I command you to  
>gaze upon my face<br>You'll never find someone  
>charming as I am<br>I'm the swankiest bug out in space_

_I'm a star_  
><em>I'm a God<em>  
><em>I'm a thing to behold<em>  
><em>There is none as resplendent as I<em>  
><em>With my sleek little legs<em>  
><em>and my three hundred eggs<em>  
><em>of my majesty none can deny<em>," Ivankov sang. Everyone screamed.

"I'm already gay! You can't make me gayer!" Nigel yelled as he tightened his grip on Kipton.

"Jodie... I think we're on drugs." Was the last thing Maeve said before she passed out.

* * *

><p>When Maeve awoke, it was the next morning, and she was back in her room at the Yukijima Marriott.<p>

"Nami, what happened? Why were we forced to see gay, singing millipedes?" Maeve asked Nami, whose face darkened.

"It's the reason why we were called to Yukijima..." Nami said darkly. With the Capricorns...

"This is a place for Nobles?!" The Capricorns cried.

"Yep. Brace yourselves, seven Nobles are coming," Yuki-Rin said.

"I'm too pretty and drop-dead gorgeous to die at the hands of Nobles!" Heathcliffe cried as he hugged Aki very tightly.

"Uhh... Sarutobi-kun, I think you ruptured my appendix," Aki said nonchalantly. With the Libras...

"So, if we have no ties to Nobles, what are we supposed to do?" Kazura asked.

"Absolutely nothing. We'll go to day 2 of the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival like we planned," Edmund said with a shrug. With Law and Bonney...

"Let's leave. This place is too mainstream," Law suggested.

"First boat out tomorrow?" Bonney asked.

"You betcha," Law said like Sarah Palin.

* * *

><p>Later that day, Maeve was in the hotel room reading manga.<p>

"Ughhh... Will this adventure on Yukijima EVER end?" Maeve asked herself. Then, the oneshot ended right there. "Huzzah!"

"Nope! Chuck Testa!" The authoress said off-screen.

"Damn it!" Maeve cried, banging her fists on the table. Maeve then got up from her seat. "I guess I'll go bother the Hipsters - I mean, Libras."

A few minutes later, Maeve was at an Urban Outfitters with Kazura, Miller, and Edmund.

"Which Black Keys vinyl record should I get framed - _Brothers _or _El Camino_? This is a serious question," Miller asked Edmund, Kazura, and Maeve.

"Just frame both. At least you aren't framing Justin Bieber records," Maeve said. Stella-Rondo then ran into the store.

"The revolution needs us!" Stella-Rondo yelled. Maeve then put on a tricone hat.

"Yes. To the revolution!" Maeve yelled. A few minutes later, the five arrived at a hipster block party.

"When did this start?" Kazura asked Locke, who was serving hipster variations of fruit punch.

"Since right after I followed Miller's Tumblr five minutes ago. He blogs a lot about indie bands, lumberjack stuff, how he's got a lot of pride for his home island, and hipster photo edits," Locke explained.

"I knew I should've deprived all of you of Adobe Photoshop," Daruma muttered. Then, the Straw Hats and Capricorns ran into the block party.

"Stop the music! Stop the music!" Nami yelled. Then, the music turned off. "What artist is that? I don't have my Shazam app yet."

"Matt and Kim," Kazura answered before he turned to the Capricorns. "Ruining our fun because we ruined your fun? Not gonna happen, peasants!"

"Actually, no," Yuki-Rin said. "The Nobles are here."

Everyone screamed.

"Jodie, batten down the hatches! Aoi, get me my Oreos! Bullet, you can watch Kureha's exercise videos later! Leon, get down! Cube, tell me about mental patients later!" Maeve shouted. Sanji then got a bunch of plates from Hammerspace and began to throw them around.

"Don't taze me, bro! Ain't nobody got time for that!" Sanji sobbed.

"Jesus, take the wheel!" Teru screamed before she passed out for no reason.

"_They wanna get my gold on the ceiling!_" Miller sang.

"We're here, peasants!"

The Shichibukai - all dressed in preppy clothing and carrying bottles of alcohol - strutted toward the Straw Hats, Capricorns, and Libras.

"Umm... Guys, where did Bonney and Law go?" Kazura asked everyone.

"They flaked out on us," Aleksandar said.

"Again?! Goddamnit!" Kazura cried. Usopp pulled out his cell phone.

"Now, before I call my dad and his drinking buddies, let me explain to you a thing," Usopp explained. Hancock adjusted her Hollister T-shirt that was already too small and too tight for her.

"No, you will not explain to me this 'thingie' you speak of. That can wait," Hancock said to Usopp. "But, for now -"

Hancock then bitch-slapped Maeve, which caused the mortician to pass out for no reason.

"Nuez!" Nami cried.

"If you need us, we'll be at our beach house in the Jersey Shore sector of the island," Moria said before he pulled out his phone, made a duck face and a peace sign, and took a selfie picture of himself. "Best better check yourself before you wreck yourself."

"YOLO," Kuma droned before the Shichibukai walked away as Katy Perry's _Teenaged Dream _played from somewhere. Everyone grew silent.

"We have a Jersey Shore portion of the island?" Franky asked everyone.

* * *

><p>When Maeve awoke, she appeared to be on the streets of Paris.<p>

"Where am I?" Maeve asked either herself or her personalities.

"Welcome to New France, Foley Maeve."

Leon approached Maeve.

"Leon? What are you doing here? What in the name of Hetalia is New France? Where are Jodie, Aoi, Bullet, and Cube? Where's everyone else? Am I dead? Am I still at the block party? Did Miller finally choose which Black Keys record to frame?! Leon Michelle Richard, answer me!" Maeve cried as she grabbed the French boy by the front of his shirt.

"You are in New France. This is a dream. You are alive. Ageha, Chopper, Alto, and Law are tending to you right now. You are still at the block party, but in a medical tent. You were the one who told Miller to frame both albums, Madomoiselle Maeve," Leon explained.

"That doesn't tell me why I am in New France," Maeve stated. Leon cleared his throat, and the music started.

"_Hello, monsieur, I welcome you,  
>You are in New France!<br>We sing and laugh each in this  
>Country of romance.<br>Here, have some cheese, pea soup, some wine,  
>Or a nice soufflé.<br>Come with me, there's much to see,  
>While you're in New France<em>," Leon sang.

"The afterlife is France?!" Maeve cried. "Christopher Nolan has been feeding me lies! I thought the afterlife was Limbo!"

Maeve then ran away from Leon, as the _Mombasa _song from _Inception _played in the background. Then, a tram with Lien, Sanji, Bonney, Miller, Edmund, Showtarou, Wolfgang, Enlai, Luffy, Stella-Rondo, and Garp pulled up to Maeve.

"Sacré bleu!" Maeve cried.

"Get in, loser! We're going shopping!" Garp yelled. Maeve then hopped onto Lien's back.

"I never thought I would be riding on the back of a Sarutobi," Maeve said to herself. "Lien, I wish I was riding on the back of your dad. Because, Heathcliffe is... Unf. Why is Heathcliffe so hot?! And taken, since he has a girlfriend?!"

Lien grew silent.

"I think I need an adult," Lien said before he threw Maeve off of him.

* * *

><p>Maeve then awoke on Zoro's back.<p>

"Zoro... Why are you walking?" Maeve asked.

"We're going to house-sit for the Shichibukai," Zoro said as they entered the Shichibukai's beach house. It looked just like the house on Jersey Shore, except it was less trashy and more Hammerspace-y. The song _House of Capricorn _was playing somewhere.

"I found the Shichibukai's secret stash of Nutella! Only the Libras may touch it!" Kazura yelled from the kitchen. Maeve climbed off of Zoro's back.

"Thanks, Zoro, I owe you one," Maeve said. "I'm gonna go walk around."

Maeve walked out back, where the Capricorns were in their swimsuits and playing/relaxing by the pool. Sanji was setting up tables for food and drinks.

"Sanji, why are we house-sitting for the Shichibukai?" Maeve asked. Sanji froze.

"The Marimo didn't tell you? Of course," Sanji said as the Capricorns approached Maeve.

"Oh, the Shichibukai drugged us with cupcakes and forced us here. We're planning an escape after we all party," Holden explained.

"And where are the Shichibukai? I need to know this so I can get the fudge Pop-Tart out of here," Maeve asked.

"Matsu made them embroidered handkerchiefs, and I gave those handkerchiefs the scent of chloroform," Sanji explained. Maeve began to laugh.

"Sanji, why are you so epic and so anime?!" Maeve asked.

"Because the Angels have the phone box," Sanji said before he turned to the Capricorns. "Shower and change into fancy clothes. We're doing the sweet escape."

Maeve frowned.

"And, now you're a downer. I'm gonna go play with hipsters in traffic," Maeve said before she went back inside.

"**Fact: Chewing gum is banned in Singapore**," Cube recited as Maeve climbed the stairs to the loft/game room where the Libras had their own party going on.

"Hi, Maeve! Come join our Yukijima Hipster Music Festival party!" Yukari said with a wave.

"The Capricorns' pool party is so mainstream! Come listen to some Strokes with us!" Kazura said.

"Actually, Sanji just shut their party down," Maeve said. The music then stopped.

"He WHAT?!" The Libras cried.

"Yep. Sanji shut down the Capricorns' party," Maeve, Aoi, Jodie, Bullet, Leon, and Cube said. The Libras blinked.

"Awesome. Sanji is now my spirit animal," Kazura said.

"Holden, Soren, who took my shampoo AGAIN?!" Heathcliffe called out from the bathroom. Kazura turned to his nakama.

"That's our cue to get the party going," Kazura said. An hour later, the hipster party was in full swing.

"So, how much longer do you think this oneshot is going to go on for?" Yukari asked.

"Are we taking bets?" Mason asked.

"I bet this jelly donut!" Maeve said as she pulled a jelly donut from Hammerspace.

"Fifty says that we're only at the half-way point, and it's only going to get longer, if not, twice as long, here," Edmund said as he put a fifty onto the table.

"When does the betting period end?" Rhett asked.

"When we can finally leave Yukijima and hopefully never come back," Edmund explained.

"Edmund, don't be a Debbie Downer. Yukijima is so much fun!" Maeve said.

"Yep! I'm having so much fun here!" Erika said in agreement.

"The Humanstuck!Nepeta Expy agrees with me!" Maeve said. Everyone grew silent.

"In that case, I will be contributing twenty bucks to the betting pool that it will end after a few page breaks," Miller said as he pulled out a twenty and put it on top of Edmund's fifty and Maeve's jelly donut.

"I'll raise your twenty to twenty-five. We're gonna be here a while, so go put on Skinny Lister's set," Locke said as he put twenty-five dollars on the table. Daruma got out a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

"I will be contributing to the betting pool. Whoever wins will get this gift card for McDonald's, worth fifty bucks," Daruma said as he placed a McDonald's gift card into the betting pool area.

"I bet fifteen dollars that there will be more surrealist shit before this ends," Stella-Rondo said as she placed fifteen dollars onto the table.

"Guys, I don't think we're supposed to gamble here."

Usopp entered the room. At that moment, everyone grew silent.

"**Fact: The lowest-grossing movie ever is _Zzyzx Road_, which earned a total of $30 during its theatrical run**," Cube said.

"Shut up, Cube!" The Hipsters - I mean, Libras - and Maeve yelled. Usopp sweatdropped.

"Anyway, all of you have to come with the Capricorns, Law, and Bonney," Usopp said.

"I think the answer to that is 'no'. It will lead to some very crazy circumstances, happenstances, and other '-stances'," Edmund explained.

"No, you can't ditch. If you do... Guess who will be going to the Learning Annex?" Usopp explained. The Libras and Maeve silently followed Usopp.

"I think I won the bet. There's going to be more surrealist shit," Stella-Rondo whispered to her crew.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, the Capricorns - who were now in formal attire -, the Libras, Maeve, Bonney, Law, Sanji, and Usopp were in the basement of the beach house. Yasopp, Smoker, Tashigi, and Vivi now joined them.<p>

"Yuki-Rin, I just realized something - You're partially named after this island!" Maeve said in amazement.

"Oh, bitch please," Yuki-Rin said with a wave of her hand. "I knew that BEFORE I came here."

"So, what are we supposed to do?" Yasopp asked. An hour of explanation later...

"Oh! So that's why Zoro has a dislike for instant fruitcake now!" Tashigi said.

"Yep! Ageha totally sucks at cooking!" Maeve said. Ageha responded by bitch-slapping the mortician. "Ow! My nutbladder!"

"Anyway, does anybody want to elaborate as to WHY we're in this basement?!" Sanji asked everyone. "And why are Yasopp, Smoker, Tashigi, and Vivi with us?"

"Paradox," Yasopp said as he spun a top.

"And how did Bonney and Law manage to get back to Yukijima?" Aleksandar asked. "Jesus, this fic has so many plot holes that plot bunnies live in."

"Empty threats to leave a fanfiction against the authoress' wishes make the world go 'round," Bonney explained.

"**Fact: In 1993, Michael Bay directed a 'Got Milk?' commercial**," Cube recited.

"That's it! We're going to start using the Metric system!" Yasopp cried. Everyone grew silent.

"Why are we all here?" Bullet asked.

"Because..." Usopp said as he moved a bookshelf over, revealing a secret passage. "We're getting out of here."

"I'm going upstairs for a smoke break," Smoker said as he began to walk away.

"You can't do that," Usopp pointed out.

"Tashigi! Fetch me the local Mikado!" Smoker ordered.

"Do you want Pocky, or a Mikado Ryuugamine cosplayer?" Tashigi asked. Everyone else facepalmed.

"We're leaving you two behind," Usopp said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Usopp managed to get every single soul in the beach house through the passageway.<p>

"What does this have to do with anything?! This is making things more nonsensical!" Nami cried.

"Also, when do we get to attack the Nobles?" Kazuma added.

"I think that comes later," Maeve asked. "Hey, Usopp, where did your dad, Vivi, Smoker, and Tashigi go?"

"Wherever you want, baby."

Shanks approached the group.

"Ginger-san, why are you here?" Robin asked.

"I'm rude and NOT ginger! Gingers have souls!" Shanks yelled before he stormed off. Everyone sweatdropped as they continued walking.

"Usopp, where are we going?" Sanji asked. "And why are the Capricorns dressed up?"

"Speak for yourself, Dartboard Brow," Zoro interjected.

"We're here to kick ass and look damn good doing it. But there's no ass to kick," Yuki-Rin explained.

"This still makes no sense," Nami pointed out.

"I know, right?!" Edmund said in agreement. "Can you please be my spirit animal?!"

"Sorry. That costs a hundred bucks," Nami said.

"Rip-off!" Edmund yelled as they approached a flight of stairs.

"_Cue the obligatory Homestuck jokes!_"

"Shut up, authoress!" Everyone yelled as they made their way up the stairs. When they got up the stairs, our group discovered that they were in the main drag of town.

"OMG! This shit is so cray-cray!" Blaise commented.

"Don't say 'cray-cray', Blaise. Just... Don't," Kartik said.

"Kartik, it doesn't matter if you love him or capitol H-I-M," Maeve advised. "Wow, Jodie, that was some good advice to Kartik! I can't believe it was from Lady Gaga! Aoi, I hope Kartik doesn't find out that my advice came from a Lady Gaga song. Bullet, I don't think our adventures on Yukijima are over yet. Leon, I don't think it's right to slap Kartik and Mikuri with a fish. Cube, yes, I know that cartoons have naughty stuff inserted into them."

"Silence!"

Everyone looked up, and they saw Ivankov on the rooftop.

"Oh, shit, son! It's an okama! Everybody, back in the car!" Sanji cried.

"Hi! What brings you here to Yukijima?!" Ivankov asked.

"Didn't I see you in a dream-within-a-dream?!" Maeve shouted to the Okama Queen.

"What are you doing here?! Don't you have Tranny Girl Scouts to run?!" Zoro asked. Ivankov jumped off of the roof and onto the ground.

"Well... Yeah. But, you're going to have to come -" Ivankov explained before Sanji kicked him in the balls.

"We out!" Sanji yelled before everyone ran off. Several minutes of running later...

"Is it safe to say that I am done with all of this?!" Kazura asked.

"**Fact: There are more barrels of bourbon in Kentucky than people**," Cube droned.

"That doesn't answer my question!" Kazura yelled as he turned to Maeve. "Maeve, can I break your cube now?!"

"Sometimes, things get complicated," Maeve said with Auto-Tune added to her voice. Then, everybody stopped running. "Okay, what now?"

"I think I know what we need to do," Gareth said to everyone.

"Instagram that shit, then we'll talk," Showtarou said.

"So, what are we supposed to do?" Yuki-Rin asked everyone. Gareth cleared his throat.

"_I love the mountains_," Gareth sang.

"_I love the clear, blue skies_," Usopp sang.

"_I love big bridges_," Kartik sang.

"_I love when great whites fly_," Beau sang.

"_I love the whole world  
>And all its sights and sounds<em>," Luffy, Kazuma, Kazura, and Law sang.

"_Boom-de-yah-da, boom-de-yah-da  
>Boom-de-yah-da, boom-de-yah-da<em>," Everyone sang.

"_I love the oceans_," Nami sang.

"_I love real dirty things_," Brook sang as he held up a pair of Hancock's panties.

"_I love to go fast_," Edmund sang.

"_I love Egyptian kings_," Robin sang.

"_I love the whole world  
>And all its craziness<em>," The Abingdons, Sarutobis, Maeve and her personalities, Zoro, and Sanji sang.

"_Boom-de-yah-da, boom-de-yah-da  
>Boom-de-yah-da, boom-de-yah-da<em>," Everyone sang. Then, the music stopped.

"Hey! We were getting to the good part!" Maeve shouted.

"I think I know how we can end this saga," Usopp said.

"And?" Everyone asked. Usopp whispered something to everyone.

"I've got my Shamwow. I've got this," Maeve said as she pulled out a Shamwow. The scene then paused.

"_Shamwow. You'll say 'wow' everytime_," Vince the Shamwow guy said. The scene then un-paused.

"Perfect! We'll execute the plan tomorrow night!" Usopp said.

"**Fact: Taco Bell is named for its owner, Glen Bell**," Cube said.

"Perfect! We're going to Taco Bell! Meeting dismissed!" Luffy said.

* * *

><p>The next day, Maeve was pacing about the room.<p>

"Wow. Deja... Vu?" Maeve asked. Then, a panicked-looking Nami entered the room.

"Maeve. Go the Libras NOW. If you see the rest of the crew, assume we're going clubbing with the Capricorns," Nami instructed.

"It's lunchtime," Maeve pointed out.

"Uhh... Pretend we're going to a fancy party," Nami instructed before she left the room. Maeve sweatdropped.

"Jodie, I don't know what happened, but whatever. Aoi, now is a good time to get your Super Soaker. Bullet, why do we need several colorful Sharpies, ice cream, and popcorn? Leon, how do you say 'My hovercraft is full of eels' in French? Cube, tell me a fun fact. A good fun fact," Maeve said to her personalities.

"**Fact: When the first Pokémon games were released in America in 1998, the city of Topeka, Kansas, was re-named to 'ToPikachu' to commemorate the event**," Cube said.

"Epic winning!" Maeve said delightfully as she slapped her cheek for no reason.

* * *

><p>A few minutes, Maeve arrived at the Hampton Inn.<p>

"Oi! Hipsters!" Maeve yelled as she knocked on the door for Yukari and Kazura's room.

"Door's unlocked!" Kazura shouted from inside. Maeve walked in, and for once, there wasn't a giant party of hipsters. Instead, it was just Yukari and Kazura in the room.

"Guys, we - This is blasphemy! Why is there no party?!" Maeve cried.

"They cancelled day three of the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival and re-scheduled it to tomorrow. Something about a bunch of cows stampeding through the stages," Kazura explained.

"This is the Capricorns' doing, isn't it?" Maeve asked.

"How can the Capricorns get a hold of several dozen cows?" Yukari asked.

"Never mind," Maeve said. "Anyway, Nami told me I was supposed to go to you guys."

Yukari and Kazura grew silent.

"Kazura... Get Edmund. Now," Yukari said.

"Why? Are the Shichibukai coming?" Kazura asked. Yukari turned to Maeve.

"Maeve, what were the Capricorns wearing?" Yukari asked.

"Nami said they were wearing formal wear," Maeve answered. Yukari turned back to Kazura, who froze.

"Kazura, while you are getting Edmund, get his siblings too. And Pearl, Lien, Locke, Aurelia, Mason, Aleksandar, Miller, Erika, Daruma, Marelene, Opal, Fernando, Angelica, Grandma Magda, Stella-Rondo, Cleo, Beau, Quinn, Daiyu, Jin-Mao, Wenqing, Lin, Cosmo, Alto, Nigel, Kipton, Alton, and - I can't believe I have to add her because she's married to Soren - Teru," Yukari instructed.

"Do we meet at the Starbucks like last time?" Kazura asked.

"No. They all come here," Yukari answered.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, all of the Libras were gathered in Yukari and Kazura's room.<p>

"Guys, what in the name of barbecue sauce hats is going on?!" Maeve asked everyone.

"The Capricorns and Straw Hats went to go finish off the Shichibukai," Rhett explained.

"Maybe," Edmund added.

"Pepper jack cheese," Maeve said with a nod and a thumbs-up.

"Edmund, what do you mean by 'maybe'?" Yukari asked.

"If they don't defeat the Shichibukai, bad things will happen and we won't be able to leave Yukijima," Edmund explained.

"What about the music festival?" Maeve asked.

"Oh, we'll stay for that. As for all of the stuff pertaining to the Shichibukai and Capricorns... No. Ain't nobody got time for that," Kazura explained.

"So, we actually have to root for the Capricorns?" Aurelia asked.

"In a way, yes," Alto said.

"No. I'm not doing that," Kazura answered.

"Either we root for the Capricorns, or we don't leave Yukijima," Stella-Rondo reminded everyone. The Libras grew silent.

"Next year, we're going to Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Music Festival," Kazura suggested sarcastically. Everyone shuddered.

* * *

><p>To distract Maeve, the Libras took her to a nearby mall.<p>

"Oh, my God! They have a nine-story Sears!" Lien squealed like a fangirl while jumping up and down.

"Oh, my God! Nobody shops at Sears anymore!" Edmund retorted.

"Edmund, Sears is where America shops. Deal with it," Maeve said.

"No. We're going to Sears, and that's final," Lien insisted. Two hours later, the Libras and Maeve were finished browsing the nine-story Sears.

"...Their night shopping wasn't over though, they still wanted to buy a refrigerator. Poor T, in appliances, had to deal with them next. What the hell is so hard to understand about the word 'closed'?" Edmund ranted, explaining why he isn't too fond of Sears.

"**Fact: In 2011, after a vote, Toyota announced that the plural form of Prius was 'Prii'**," Cube said.

"Where are we going next?" Kazura asked. Edmund got on his knees in front of Kazura.

"Take us to Urban Outfitters... For the love of God, I am not going back to Sears..." Edmund pleaded.

"No. Never again, are we going to Sears. America doesn't shop there anymore," Yukari explained. America from Hetalia then approached them.

"I still shop at Sears! I do what I want, biatch!" America yelled before he walked away. Maeve's eyes then sparkled.

"Ehmagerd! Heteria!" Maeve yelled as she chased America. After getting Maeve back...

"I think it's time we returned Maeve to the Straw Hats," Kazura said as they entered their hotel.

"I don't think they're back yet," Yukari said. "I mean, the Capricorns ARE dressed formally. Something's up."

Maeve tensed up.

"No... The Capricorns can't go to the Red Wedding!" Maeve shouted before running out of the hotel screaming. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Alto, do you have any tranquilizers?" Kazura asked.

"Nope. I used up my last tranquilizers when we snuck away from the Capricorns last night," Alto answered.

"What about sleeping pills?" Kazura asked. Alto glared at Kazura.

"We don't want to get sued." Was all the blue-haired doctor said.

* * *

><p>After following Maeve for a while, the Libras arrived at a Mediterranean-styled mansion, where many people in formal wear hung out.<p>

"Excuse me, but you are not in the proper attire for this island," Lucci, a bouncer standing at the front door, told the Libras.

"...This island has a dress code?" Miller asked. "Gosh, nobody told us."

"What is the dress code here?" Yukari asked.

"Formal attire. Girls must wear formal dresses with heels and boys must wear tuxedos," Lucci explained.

"Excuse me, but tell us WHY this island has a formal dress code when I've seen people walk around in sweats and Uggs," Edmund said.

"We want to make Yukijima an island where the young, beautiful, and rich flock to. We prefer the mainstream," Lucci explained. "Besides -"

"Okay, who died and made up these nonsensical rules for this place?!" Kazura cried.

"Do you really want to know?" Lucci asked.

"Yeah! I don't care if the answer is 'Garp, because he has a Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village here' - *shudder* -, just tell us!" Kazura yelled. Lucci took a deep breath.

"The Capricorn Pirates."

Then, all hell broke loose.

"_Treasure maps for a dream,  
>Operator, please,<br>Call me back when it's time.  
>Stolen friends and disease,<br>Operator, please  
>Patch me back to my mind<em>

_Oh, can it be, the voices calling me?_  
><em>They get lost and out of time.<em>  
><em>I should've seen it glow,<em>  
><em>But everybody knows<em>  
><em>That a broken heart is blind<em>  
><em>That a broken heart is blind<em>  
><em>That a broken heart is blind<em>," The Libras sang. Maeve sweatdropped.

"Yes, Jodie, _Little Black Submarines _is such a good song by The Black Keys. Aoi, I don't know what's going on, but play along. Bullet, I really don't think the Capricorns own this island. Leon, you can curse out the Capricorns in French later. Cube, stop telling me fun facts about Pringles!" Maeve said to her personalities. Kazura grabbed Maeve.

'We are going to stop the Capricorns," Kazura said before the Libras and Maeve entered the mansion. A pirate crew of about ten people were exiting the mansion.

"Oh, cool. More hipsters," A blue-haired girl with hipster glasses commented to a blonde-haired girl in a feodora.

"_A blue-haired girl who wears hipster glasses AND skirts over pants? I think it's time to go onto Yelp and find a good gastropub around here_," Kazura thought to himself as he stuck out his hand. "Kazura Miyafuji. First mate of the Libra Pirates."

"Leira Aries. First mate of the Aries Pirates," Leira introduced herself as she shook Kazura's hand. "This party is a fucking joke."

"I know, right? If you thought this party is bad, the entire island is worse," Kazura said in agreement. "They even have a dress code for the island - Formal attire."

"Formal attire? No thanks. I've worn enough formal attire during my stint as a prostitute," Leira explained. "Never again. Never again. Anyway, do you have a favorite band?"

"Two Door Cinema Club," Kazura said with a grin. "And you?"

"Broken Social Scene. They've got their set at the Yukjima Hipster Music Festival later," Leira answered.

"You're attending the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival?!" Kazura asked. "No way! We're attending, too!"

An hour later, Kazura and Leira were STILL talking.

"Man, Aoi, do they ever shut up?! Yes, Jodie, looks like there's going to be a Mrs. Hipster. I like her, Bullet. She has blue hair. Leon, you are not going to draw Leira like one of your French girls. Sorry, Cube, I don't think she knows that coffin lids were used as surfboards in England," Maeve said.

"Anyway, we have to get to the music festival for some Broken Social Scene. Come visit our ship, the Cartago, sometime this week," Leira explained.

"If I can't make it to the Cartago, then you may visit me at the Coachella," Kazura said.

"You named your ship after a music festival?! Shut up! Let's be friends!" Leira said as she slipped a piece of paper in Kazura's hand. "My phone number. Chirp me."

"I will. On my iPhone," Kazura said as the Arieses walked away.

"_Kazura and Leira sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Miller pushing a vintage carriage!_" Maeve sang.

"Yeah! I'd better be pushing a vintage carriage, not something Gucci designed!" Miller said in agreement as they made their way into the party.

"Miller, I've only known Leira for one hour and thirty seconds. You can wait a few years for your hipster babies," Kazura said in all seriousness as they arrived on the dance floor, where the Shichibukai were doing the Macerena.

"Hey, Macarena!" Maeve said as she jumped up. Everyone turned to Maeve. "Uhh... Does anybody want to go to Cinnabon?"

"Foley Maeve, we've been waiting for you."

The Capricorns approached Maeve, led by...

"A.A.A.?!" Maeve cried.

"Dat's right!" A.A.A. said like Meowth. "I was the one who brought all of you here. Except the Shichibukai, who came to film Yukijima Shore. I was the one who organized the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival for the Libras -"

"You wouldn't!" Kazura yelled.

"I was the one who brought Smoker and Tashigi here for no reason..." A.A.A. said. Smoker and Tashigi silently backed out of the room. "I was the one who gave the Capricorns the Eternal Pose here..."

"I thought we were using a regular Log Pose!" Hana yelled.

"And I was the one who planted that free stay in Yukijima in Tashigi's wallet and made her go to the same party as Zoro so all of this would happen!" A.A.A. yelled.

"Oi, thanks for the free hotel stay!" Zoro thanked A.A.A. Nami slapped Zoro.

"This is bad, Zoro! Pay attention!" Nami yelled.

"So, A.A.A... What are you going to do?" Maeve asked.

"Well... Some time ago, I was on some island with a lot of casinos, and I got bored. What happened was that I owe Hancock several people to work for her in her nightclub/brothel, and I was weeding out the competition," A.A.A. explained.

"A.A.A., Jodie wants to know why Hancock is running a brothel. It's not canon for Hancock to do that," Maeve pointed out.

"Because this is a crack fic and it's okay to break canon in crack fics!" A.A.A. yelled. "Now, here's who will be safe - The Libra Pirates..."

"Called it," Kazura said with a shrug. "Brothels and nightclubs are too mainstream."

"Smoker and Tashigi..."

Outside, Tashigi sneezed.

"Foley Maeve and her personalities Jodie Walker, Aoi Hagiwara, Bullet Pants, Leon Richard, and Cube."

Maeve shrugged.

"A.A.A. can't tame me," Maeve said with another shrug.

"The Aries Pirates..."

"Who are they?!" Everyone but Maeve and the Libras cried.

"Oh, you wouldn't know them," Kazura said casually.

"And... The Straw Hats, because I like to piss off Hancock by depriving her of her Luffy privileges," A.A.A. explained. Zoro then woke up.

"What did I miss?" Zoro asked the Straw Hats.

"Go back to sleep, Marimo," Sanji said.

"Okay," Zoro said before he went back to sleep.

"Which means the Capricorn Pirates get to work at a nightclub/brothel, thus making them young, beautiful, and rich celebs!" A.A.A. announced as a net came down and trapped all of the Capricorns in it.

"Oi! You never said anything about a brothel!" Yuki-Rin cried. "Maeve! What in the name of Deadmau5 have you done?!"

"Oh, A.A.A. is just my Sitcom Archnemisis," Maeve said. A.A.A. said nothing as she began dragging the net with the Capricorns off.

"They start work tonight. Any fangirl or boy who wants to spend the night with Yuki-Rin, Kartik, Kazuma, or even one - or all three - of the Sarutobis better be there by seven," A.A.A. explained before she left. Everyone facepalmed.

"I thought we were supposed to defeat the Shichibukai," Luffy said.

"That's not important now, Luffy," Nami said.

* * *

><p>Later that evening, Maeve was browsing the snack shop inside of her hotel.<p>

"**Fact: Doves released at weddings and other events are actually white honing pigeons**," Cube said.

"That's nice," Maeve said blankly as she looked through the selection of packaged foods. "Hmm... Cube, why do packaged foods taste better when they're bought at hotel snack shops?"

"**I do not know the answer, Foley Maeve**," Cube droned.

"Maeve!"

Stella-Rondo then ran up to Maeve.

"What is it, Stella-Rondo?" Maeve asked the artist of the Libras.

"It may sound like I'm on drugs, but... We're going to rescue the Capricorns, and we need you," Stella-Rondo explained. Maeve gasped.

"What?! But you hate them?! Why do you want to save them?!" Maeve cried.

"Gotta do one thing right for them," Stella-Rondo said. "Or, as Jin-Mao puts it, 'timey-wimey shenanigans'."

"Do the Straw Hats know about this?" Maeve asked.

"How should I know?" Stella-Rondo asked. "Anyway, get something important and meet me here in five."

Maeve saluted Stella-Rondo.

"You got it, dude," Maeve said before she ran off. A few minutes of running later, she arrived at the taco bar the Straw Hats were eating dinner with.

"Stella-Rondo and I are having a girls' night. If I come home buzzed, puking, and holding a homicidal llama wearing a hat named 'Carl', do not ask any questions about my night," Maeve explained. The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

"Okay. Have fun with Artist-san, Mortician-san," Robin said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve arrived back at the Marriott, where the Libras were browsing the same snack shop.<p>

"So?" Stella-Rondo asked.

"They think we're having a girls' night. Kazura, Edmund, Rhett, Lien, Aleksandar, Mason, Locke, Fernando, Jin-Mao, Nigel, Kipton, Alto, Daruma, Miller, Cosmo, Alton, and Beau aren't invited," Maeve explained.

"I resent that remark!" Ivankov yelled. "Death Wink!"

Then, everyone became their opposite genders.

"Woah! I'm a boy now!" Mason (Maeve) cried. "Joe, you were Jodie. Aoi, you were... Aoi, yeah. Aoi is a unisex name. Bullet, you're still Bullet. Leah, you were Leon. Cube... You're still Cube. Companion Cubes don't have gender-specific names."

"Now what?" Milly (Miller) asked.

"Your new names are Yukito Miyafuji, Kazumi Miyafuji, Terada Sarutobi, Stefan-Rondo, Edwina Abingdon, Rhonda Abingdon, Andrew Abingdon, Brandon Abingdon, Loki Sarutobi, Aurelius Sarutobi, Perry Chung-Feng, Lian Sarutobi, Aleksandra Sarutobi, Maeve Sarutobi, Fern Aguilar, Andreas Fisher, Grandpa Marc, Jia-Mao Xiang, Dai Lung, Allegra Jarvis, Quentin Hayward, Betty Hayward, Cladue Hayward, Nancy Crawley, Kimpton Lim, Wen Yan, Li Tiang, Milly Pratt, Octavio Rinaldi, Erik Hiiragi, Alice Cheung, Dailian Hideyoshi, Marcos Grey, and Cassandra MacGhee. I hope you like your sex change names," Mason (Maeve) explained.

"Why am I named after Loki from _The Avengers_?!" Loki (Locke) cried.

"And why did we switch names?!" Maeve (Mason) cried.

"Rhonda?! That's not even a classy name! I was supposed to be named after Rhett Butler, and now I'm named after that rich kid from Hey Arnold!" Rhonda (Rhett) cried.

"The tranny with magical sex change powers did it," Mason (Maeve) explained.

"Death Wink!"

Then, everyone returned to their original genders.

"Now what?" Miller asked.

"Let us never speak of that again," Maeve said with a shudder.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras and Maeve arrived at the nightclubbrothel.

"Name?" Urouge - the bouncer - asked.

"Your mom," Maeve answered. Urouge just kept smiling. "Uhh... Sir, are you having a stroke?"

"I ain't even mad, bro. Head on in," Urouge said.

"Thanks, mister," Maeve said as she and the Libras entered the club. Urouge decided to use this rush of attendees to check on stuff on his phone.

"Oh, shit, son. My World of Warcraft palladin died," Urouge commented. Back with the Libras and Maeve, they were sitting in the fancy dining area, feeling very out of place in their casual clothing.

_Tell me, have you seen the marvelous Breadfish,_  
><em>swimming in the ocean waters?<em>  
><em>Have you seen that marvelous Breadfish?<em>  
><em>It's like an inverse sandwich<em>  
><em>An awe for fishermen and sharks<em>

"Woah! Look at all of the Breadfish!" Maeve commented as she watched the Breadfish swim about in the nearby fish tanks.

"Because, obviously, regular fish and regular bread are too mainstream for this place," Edmund observed. Maeve got up.

"I'll be right back," Maeve said. "I'm gonna go take a walk because I'm bored."

In the kitchen, A.A.A. was instructing the Sarutobi boys and Law about something. While the Sarutobi boys wore suits, Law wore a sexy cow outfit.

"Okay, if you do not follow Hancock's rules, your crew, the Straw Hats, Foley Maeve and company, and the Libras will be forced to do a parody of Dangan Ronpa," A.A.A. explained. "Why? Up with despair, down with hope."

Law then bitch-slapped A.A.A.

"Hey! You can't bitch-slap the semi-villain! What the hell was that for?!" A.A.A. cried as Law put his clothes back on.

"You can't stop me and my sudden urges to bitch-slap a villain, put my clothes back on, and leave," Law replied. A.A.A. huffed.

"I have Momobear on speed dial," A.A.A. warned. Law then stomped on A.A.A.'s cell phone. "Damn it! You defeated me."

"Piece of cake..." Law commented as he walked out of the kitchen. Then, he bumped into Maeve.

"Oh, Law, what just happened?!" Maeve asked.

"Well, Maeve-ya, A.A.A. lost. It's time for the final battle," Law said.

"Finally!" Maeve said as she ran back to the Libras. "Guys, the final battle is about to take place! The story is almost over!"

The Libras cheered.

"Finally! We can leave! Praise Jesus!" Edmund yelled as he kissed the floor.

"**Fact: To save money when you shop, don't touch anything. It has been proven that touching an item makes you more likely to buy it**," Cube explained.

The Libras then pushed their food and drinks away.

"No money, no bacon, no sex! Thank God, we're leaving soon!" Daruma said.

"Quick! To the dancefloor!" Maeve yelled.

"For Hipster Narnia!" The Libras yelled as they stormed the dancefloor, where the Capricorns were freak dancing.

"What now?!" Wolfgang asked.

"You guys are freak dancing... In fancy clothes. It's a contradiction, like Starbust," Aurelia said.

"Contradictions taste good," Daisuke said.

"Silence!"

Hancock then stormed onto the floor.

"Down with hope! Up with despair!" Maeve yelled.

"Don't say that!" The Sarutobi boys yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"Well, we're here to save you from certain prostitution. You're welcome," Kazura said. The Capricorns grew silent.

"What if we really want fame, beauty, and wealth? What if we don't want to be saved?" Wolfgang asked.

"You're already wealthy. Why does it matter?" Angelica asked Wolfgang.

"Respect my authority!" Wolfgang yelled like Cartman from South Park.

"_Once upon a time, we burnin' bright! Now all we ever seem to do is fight_!" Amelia yelled to the Capricorns, who facepalmed.

"Okay, you just ruined a perfectly good Coldplay song," Yuki-Rin bluntly stated.

"Wolfgang Keima Katsuragi, what the hell are you doing?! Why are you selling your body when you already have millions of dollars?!"

The Aries Pirates entered the room.

"Dad?!" Wolfgang cried. "I thought you -"

"Ran away while you were at summer camp. I've heard that excuse before," Yohan said sarcastically to his son. "I told you that I had to help an old friend of mine out."

"Beal is not your old friend! He's only twenty-five!" Wolfgang argued.

"Yuki-Rin, Yukari, who are these people?" Maeve asked.

"Apparently, The older guy is Wolfgang's dad. The other people... I dunno," Yuki-Rin answered.

"Hey, Leira, you and me are getting out of here, and we're going to go get some coffee!" Kazura yelled.

"I'm there!" Leira yelled. "That is, if I can get a chance to sneak off!"

"Same here!" Kazura yelled as he gave the thumbs-up. Most of the Libras, Capricorns, and Aries facepalmed.

"Who are you people?!" The Capricorns, Libras, and Aries shouted. Maeve just sat there.

"Jeez, Aoi, look what you've caused. Jodie, you had ONE job. Bullet, I think we're the ones who need to get out of here. Leon, it's best that you don't curse them out in French. Cube, tell me a fact so I can get through this awkward boss battle," Maeve said.

"**Fact: The first fax machine was invented twenty-five years before the telephone**," Cube said.

"Maeve! What's going on?!"

The Straw Hats and the rest of the Shichibukai entered the room.

"Oh! Tashigi is doing a re-enactment of that princess party Zoro got our free trip from!" Maeve lied.

"If this is a princess party, then where are Smoker's shitty Rice Krispie squares and Tang?" Sanji asked as Smoker came out with a pitcher of Tang and some Rice Krispie squares. Upon hearing that his Tang and Rice Krispie squares were "shitty", Smoker turned around and left the room.

"Hey! Come back! I want some Rice Krispie treats, bitch!" Jin-Mao yelled as he ran after Smoker. Everyone grew silent.

Then, everyone but the Straw Hats, Maeve, and Law began fighting.

"I win."

A.A.A. approached them.

"No! It's the Millennium Earl!" Usopp yelled as he got out a baseball bat. "Kill it with Allen Walker!"

Then, Usopp passed out.

"Way to go Usopp," Maeve said with a sigh. "Now we're all going to be prostitutes, with A.A.A. as our madam."

* * *

><p>A few days later, Nami was telling the story of the events on Yukijima to the nearest person she could find, which was Cavendish.<p>

"Then, Maeve punched A.A.A. in the face, allowing Mason from the Libra Pirates, Gareth from the Capricorn Pirates, and Kim from the Aries Pirates enough time to pull the fire alarm. Childish, I know, but it covered everyone in fire extinguisher foam. Now that her nightclub was ruined, Hancock saw no need to be on Yukijma, so she left, effectively cancelling Yukijima Shore. After that, we still had to take on Crocodile, Mihawk, Moria, Kuma, Jinbei, Doflamingo, and Kuma over the next several days before we faced off against A.A.A. It may have been a very crazy adventure involving hipster-shaming, fancy clothing, a pirate crew I've never heard of, and musical numbers, but I actually kind of enjoyed it," Nami explained to Cavendish, finishing her story.

"So... That's how you ended up taking a vacation in Baroque Works-occupied Alabasta?" Cavendish asked. He sounded just like Shay Van Buren from The Most Popular Girls in School. "You do know that a revolution against Crocodile is about to start, right?"

"Yep. I need the vacation. These last few days were crazy," Nami explained. "Wait, who are you?"

Nami then awoke in her bed, back in Cocoyashi Village.

"Man! That was a crazy dream!" Nami said. After getting dressed and doing her morning things, Nami was sitting down to breakfast.

"Nami, guess what," Nojiko said.

"Did you finally get a new toaster oven?" Nami asked.

"Nope! I won a free, week-long vacation!" Nojiko said.

"Really? To where?" Nami asked.

"Yukijima," Nojiko answered. "The Straw Hats, Maeve, the Capricorns, the Libras, the Aries, Smoker, Tashigi, Law, Bonney, Ivankov, and the Shichibukai all want to come with us. Is that okay?"

Nami then fainted.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>"I don't know how to play this game."

Whew. That was a long chapter. It now beat out **Da Hungah Games **as my favorite chapter. I had a lot of fun working on this chapter, and it shows. I definitely will do some more really long chapters in the future of this fic, because they are too much fun to work on.

**Review if you want to see more chapters with word counts of 10,000+!**


	86. Public Access Television

**Author's Note: **Well, this chapter is late, because I tried to write an AU version to last chapter's 11,000+ word story where A.A.A. actually follows through with her plans of prostituting the Capricorns, and our heroes have to save them.

Anyway, there are only two videos that influenced this chapter - "Henrietta and Merna Can't Sing" and the music video for _10 a.m. Automatic _by The Black Keys. Look them up on Youtube to better understand two scenes - The scene with Miller, Aleksandar, and Locke performing (shout-out to the _10 a.m. Automatic _video) and the scene where Nojiko and Bellemeré are singing (Henrietta and Merna).

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, any songs used, or the LOLcat Bible.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal Friday night on the Bravia, as Linus Forsythe, Maven Crowley, Yue Song, Greta Chalfant Richelieu, Percy Hightower, Jack Yuen, Deuce Greendale, and Arvin Pinark, the Gemini Pirates, finished watching a movie.<p>

"That movie was trash," Jack said as he lit up a cigarette to smoke.

"How can you call _The Parent Trap _trash? It's my favorite movie. It captures a relationship between siblings perfectly," Linus asked.

"Twin-con," Jack whispered to Deuce.

"Sis-con," Deuce whispered back. Maven sighed as she flipped through the channels.

"Nothing's on! It's Friday night, for the love of Gordon Ramsey!" Maven yelled.

"Oi! Only I'm allowed to use Gordon Ramsey's name in vain!" Percy yelled from across the sofa. Maven then stopped at a channel. On the channel was a semi-empty audience and a phone number. Everyone grew silent, trying to figure out what the show was and what it was about.

"What is this?" Linus asked.

"It looks like one of those public access channels nobody seems to watch," Arvin commented.

"My grandma used to watch those. They get kind of... On drugs, for lack of better term," Greta explained.

"Then what's the phone number for?" Percy asked everyone. Linus said nothing as he pulled out his iPhone.

"Looks like we'll have to find out..." Linus said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the half-empy studio the Geminis were watching the show about...<p>

"So, Kureha, last night was fun, no?" Garp asked. Kureha got out a taser and tazed Garp with it. "Mommy! Don't taze me, bro!"

"How is making counterfeit My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic dolls fun?! I could've gotten arrested, you know!" Kureha yelled. Then, the Shichibukai took the stage in front of the audience, which mainly consisted the elderly people of the One Piece world, which included, but wasn't limited to, Whitebeard, Garp, Kureha, Tsuru, Silvers Rayleigh, Shakky, Kokoro, Grandma Magda, Gan Fall, Zeff, Genzo, Hiluluk, Nako, Dadan, and Smoker.

"For the last time, I am NOT an old man! I am only thirty-four!" Smoker yelled.

"You look older with that punk-ass 'fro!" Dadan yelled. Smoker got up.

"I've had enough of this. I'm going back to the Marine base whether the Shichibukai like it or not," Smoker said before he walked away. He then tripped and fell a few paces later. "Ow! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Smoker pressed a button on his Life Alert necklace.

"_Life Alert is on its way._"

The audience sweatdropped as Mihawk, Crocodile, and Doflamingo took the stage.

"You may be wondering what in the name of Alex Trimble is going on. Well... You're on T.V," Mihawk explained bluntly. The audience grew silent.

"I want my money back!" Dadan yelled.

"We can't give you money! This is public access television, which isn't funded by major networks!" Mihawk shouted back.

"Oi, Mihawk, explain why you have a T.V. show!" Garp yelled. Mihawk facepalmed.

"Because the Shichibukai are broke. Bake sales, lemonade stands, Girl Scout cookie sales, panhandling, and working as part-time strippers can only get you so far," Crocodile explained.

"And, now, let's welcome our first guests of the evening - The Abingdon family," Mihawk explained. Only a few people cheered as the Abingdons walked onto the stage. Kartik was dragging Edmund, who appeared to be very drugged.

"Hey, cheer up! This show goes until five in the morning! It's eleven o'clock at night, so count your blessings!" Doflamingo yelled. "Now, we have the Abingdon family here to talk about rich peoples' stuff."

"Is this real life?" Edmund asked/slurred. Doflamingo's face turned red.

"WHAT THE TUNA NUT BODY BUTTER DO YOU THINK?! OF COURSE, THIS IS REAL LIFE, YOU NINNY!" Doflamingo shouted loudly. Kartik sighed.

"We're sorry my oldest son seems drunk and/or on drugs. We came right over here after taking the kids to the dentist. The painkillers wore off for my daughters and my other son, but not for Edmund," Kartik calmly explained. Edmund then walked over to Rhett and began to stroke his shoulder.

"Nonny, nonny, nonny..." Edmund sang before he passed out. Kartik, Matsu, Bridey, Amelia, and Rhett got up.

"We're terribly sorry. We have to cut this short and bodily drag our son back to his ship," Matsu explained.

"That's okay, take your time," Mihawk said before the Abingdons left. Mihawk turned back to the audience.

"Can we leave now?!" Garp asked. Crocodile laughed.

"No," Crocodile said in all seriousness. "In fact, let's welcome our next guest, Bartholomew Kuma, who will read to us passages from... 'A sacred text known as the internets'? Moria, change the cue cards before I have to revoke your subscriptions to your porn magazines!"

As Crocodile went into the back of the audience, Kuma, who was carrying his Bible, entered the room and sat down in Crocodile's chair. As he opened his Bible, Kuma cleared his throat.

"Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem. Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz. At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.." Kuma read from his Bible. Meanwhile, on the Cartago...

"What the bloody hell is this?" Llewellyn asked everyone.

"LOLcat Bible study," Terrance answered. Everyone grew silent.

"Well, the picture's crystal clear," Leira said.

"Are you kidding me?! The picture's kind of shitty!" Terrance cried, referring to the low-quality picture public access channels usually have. "Who wants to climb up the crow's nest and fix the satellite dish?"

Everyone pointed to Beal, who sighed.

"Why me?" Beal asked everyone.

* * *

><p>An hour-and-a-half later...<p>

"...den teh cloud coverd teh tent ov meetin, an teh glory ov teh lord filld teh tabernacle. mosez cud not entr teh tent ov meetin cuz teh cloud had settld on it, an teh glory ov teh lord filld teh tabernacle. in all teh travels ov teh israelitez, whenevr teh cloud liftd frum aboov teh tabernacle, they wud set out; but if teh cloud did not lift, they did not set out—til teh dai it liftd. so teh cloud ov teh lord wuz ovar teh tabernacle by dai, an fire wuz in da cloud by nite, in da sight ov all teh houz ov israel durin all their travels," Kuma read from his Bible. He then closed it.

"And, now, here's a tribute to The Black Keys."

Locke, Aleksandar, and Miller walked on-stage and walked over a drumset (Locke), guitar (Aleksandar), and a microphone (Miller) set up to the left of Kuma. Then, the three Libras began to play some music.

"_What about the night  
>Makes you change<br>From sweet to deranged?  
>What about my voice<br>Tells you who  
>Who's been wrong to you<em>?" Miller sang. As Locke performed a drum solo, Kureha slowly got up and approached Miller. Then, Coby and Helmeppo, two security guards, ran out from behind Locke and picked up Kureha. As Miller continued to sing, Coby and Helmeppo sat Kureha back down in her seat before walking away.

"Fangrannies. Always want to get into the pants of singers," Coby commented to Helmeppo. A few minutes later, the three Libras finished their performance to minimal applause.

"Teh Ceiling Cat saiz to Mozes, "O hai! Outta ur tabby-nackels, d00dthx. U should go saiz this to Izrulites, for to IM me, Hey Ceiling Cat, I can has stuff :) and liek that, they gotta bring me teh cheezeburgers or other good stuff for impruvin teh conneckshun winkwink..." Kuma read from his Bible as Miller, Locke, and Aleksandar left the stage area.

* * *

><p>On board the Thousand Sunny, Usopp was watching the whole show.<p>

"Wow... I guess having insommia for no reason can be fun sometimes..." Usopp commented as Sanji entered the room.

"Usopp, turn down the shitty T.V.," Sanji demanded before he noticed what was on the T.V. "In fact, don't turn down the volume. I want to see this."

"Okay..." Usopp said. Zoro then entered.

"Oi, is this the Shichibukai's public access show?" Zoro asked Sanji and Usopp.

"Yes, it is," Usopp answered.

"No, am I at the place where they're filming it? I had tickets to attend the taping for it," Zoro asked. Sanji facepalmed.

"Marimo, go make us popcorn. We're going to be here for about five more hours," Sanji demanded bluntly.

* * *

><p>Back at the studio, it was going on one a.m., and Kuma just finished reading from the LOLcat Bible.<p>

"And, that was Bartholomew Kuma with his riveting Bible study," Doflamingo said to the audience. "And... Uh... As Bellemeré and Nojiko Whatever-the-Fruit-by-the-Foot-Their-Last-Names-Ar e are going to sing, I just want to wish you a good night. It's going on one in the morning right now, and we'll be here until five a.m. Here's Bellemeré and Nojiko right now singing."

The camera panned to Bellemeré and Nojiko, who were wearing a tacky 80's sweater and a tacky 80's pantsuit, as a low-quality karaoke track began to play. Then, the bass dropped and a techno track began to play alongside the low-quality karaoke track.

"_Bokura sora takaku kimi wo mammoteku  
>Tsuyosa hakanasa wo kono hane de<em>," Bellemeré and Nojiko sang badly (and very, very quietly, in Nojiko's case).

"_Nukumori wo oshiete kureta  
>Kanashimi wo nugutte kureta<br>Koko kara asu e yukou  
>Zuttou, kimi to soba de<br>Ano hi boku ga mune e chikatta da yakusoku sa_," Bellemeré sang badly. Back with Usopp and Sanji, the rest of the Straw Hats joined them and they were all gathered around the T.V. watching everything from Kureha trying to get Miller, Kuma and his LOLcat Bible study, and Bellemeré and Nojiko's bad singing.

"How dare they ruin the awesomesauce opening to Night Raid 1931 with their performance that harkens back to Henrietta and Merna!" Maeve yelled.

"Why are Nojiko and Bellemeré doing this?! Who bribed them with money?!" Nami cried.

"Nami, calm the fudge brownie down. This is probably part of a hostage situation involving Blackbeard and Doflamingo. Blackbeard is probably holding a gun up to -" Zoro explained before Nami kicked him in the crotch.

"Sanji, put Zoro back in his room!" Nami ordered.

"No. I'm not touching that ball of moss with a ten-foot pole. Ain't nobody got time for that," Sanji stated.

* * *

><p>With Miller, Locke, and Aleksandar, they were returning to the Coachella.<p>

"Well, that was pointless," Aleksandar said.

"Did you see that granny?! She tried to go after me!" Miller cried as the Abingdon siblings boarded the boat, with Rhett dragging the still-drugged Edmund behind him.

"Where were you?" Rhett asked.

"Performing a tribute to the Black Keys. And you?" Miller asked.

"Dentist," Rhett answered bluntly. "Edmund's still on the drugs they gave us. Over the past hour or so, he proceeded to pratically molest my shoulder, ask a Shichibukai if this is real life, call Mismagius the 'Bitch witch' Pokémon, and basically act like David After the Dentist."

"Why is this happening to me?" Edmund asked/slurred.

"Uhh... You kind of had a toothache, so they gave you medicine," Rhett explained as he and Miller lifted Edmund up and carried him to the couch, where Jin-Mao was watching T.V.

"Oh, hey. You guys were on T.V. - A grandma tried to go for Miller and Edmund was on drugs," Jin-Mao explained. The Libras that were on the Shichibukai's public access show turned to the T.V., where Nami and Nojiko were still singing poorly. "Quality television, isn't it? Can't wait for this to be released on DVD."

Locke, Aleksandar, Miller, Amelia, Rhett, and Bridey sweatdropped.

"Are they... Being blackmailed into singing opening themes for obscure animes?" Amelia asked.

"I bet the periwinkle-haired one was blackmailed. The pink-haired one did this on her own free will."

Mason entered the room.

"Mason, what are you doing? It's one in the morning," Rhett asked.

"Daiyu, Jin-Mao, Aurelia, Pearl, Lien, and I were all watching this. They went to make snacks," Mason explained.

"I'm right here!" Jin-Mao cried. "Call everyone in before these two stop singing. Everyone has to see this."

Two minutes later, the rest of the Libras gathered to watch the show.

"This is like watching every single act at Bonnaroo back-to-back - You can't pull away, but you have to at some point," Kazura observed. Yukari looked to Edmund.

"Why is Edmund sleeping?" Yukari asked.

"Edmund's not sleeping - He's drugged. There's a difference," Aleksandar explained.

"Why is Edmund drugged?" Yukari asked.

"Dentist appointment," Rhett said with a shrug.

* * *

><p>Back at the studio...<p>

"Encore! Encore!" Nako yelled as Nojiko and Bellemeré left the stage. "Such a brilliant performance that harkens back to the days of Henrietta and Merna!"

"They were worse than Henrietta and Merna!" Garp argued. Doflamingo then got out a giant, toy telephone.

"For the next hour or so, we will be taking viewer calls. No, we don't care that the World Government is tracking your phone call to this show. They only care about what demographics are tuning in," Mihawk explained. "And, we will go to our very first caller, Linus, on line two. Hello, Linus?"

"_Hello, Mihawk. Can you have Hancock do a Learning Annex lecture on this show?_"

Around the world, the very few people watching the Shichibukai's show gasped. For instance, on the Hyperion...

"Gareth, I need a bucket. I don't care that they use buckets in Homestuck as sex toys. Just... Do it," Daisuke requested before he threw up all over Heathcliffe.

"Guess you don't need that sex toy to throw up in," Gareth said with a shrug.

"Shut up!" Daisuke and Heathcliffe yelled. Back at the studio...

"I'm sorry, Linus, but Hancock is not allowed to do those lectures on this show," Mihawk explained. On the other line, Linus sighed.

"_Well... Do something that would make me laugh._"

Then, the blue screen Mihawk, Doflamingo, and Crocodile were sitting in front of changed to a scene of ducks swimming in a pond. Linus began to laugh.

"_Thanks, guys. I knew this show was awesome!_"

Linus then hung up. Everyone grew silent.

"So... We're going to be here for another four hours. We've got a lot of stuff coming up on our show, so stay tuned!" Mihawk announced. "Oh, and we're still taking calls. No crazy requests like Linus' Learning Annex idea."

Everyone in the audience shuddered.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see the other four hours of the Shichibukai's show that we didn't see!<strong>


	87. One Piece: Parallel Hipster Works

**Author's Note: **This is a crack AU to **One Piece: Parallel Works **where the Libras sail in that fic and not Parallel Generations.

**Disclaimer: Don't own One Piece. Also, parody roles for Aria, Dewey, Rubio, and Sadie were cut, because there are not enough Libras. **

* * *

><p><strong>Intro Arc<strong>

It was a foggy Sunday night as Yukari Miyafuji of the Libra Pirates tried to find the town.

"I hope Kazura, Stella-Rondo, and Teru don't kill me for not finding the town," Yukari said before she tripped over a girl, who was lying on the ground.

"Ouch... I don't know why I chose this place to watch the metor shower tonight," The brown-haired girl moaned as she and Yukari got up. "My name's Opal."

"Hi, Opal. My name is Yukari. Will you join my crew?" Yukari offered. Opal shrugged.

"Why the hell not? My house burned down, and I hate my parents for making me into the stereotypical gypsy you see on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and not the World's Greatest Swordswoman," Opal said.

* * *

><p><strong>Baleeria Porto Arc<strong>

"I've just been shot!"

Yukari looked around her. The Abingdons were trying to defeat Dadan, the stage mom who was basically stage mom-ing her daughter, Erika, into misery and bad stuffs. In the corner were the three snipers, Daruma, Marlene, and Cosmo, who were sent to kill Dadan. Kazura was clutching his arm, where Dadan shot him, and the rest of the crew was nowhere to be seen.

"Kazura, stop acting like that one girl Rebel Wilson played and help us. We are in serious danger right now," Edmund demaned.

"I can't! I've just been shot!" Kazura yelled. Everyone sweatdropped as Dadan pulled out her NERF gun.

"Stop it. I'mma slap the shit outta you," Stella-Rondo threatened Dadan.

"Come at me, bitch! My daughter, Erika, is going to be the next Hannah Montana!" Dadan yelled. Daruma said nothing as he loaded his crossbow.

"I'm Katniss!" Daruma yelled before he shot Dadan in the arm.

"I've just been shot!" Dadan cried like Rebel Wilson.

* * *

><p><strong>Tequila Wolf Arc<strong>

Everyone was abuzz during the meeting under Tequila Wolf. Tonight was the night they would get their bridge back.

"Oh, my God. It's just a freakin' bridge. Like we care," Edmund said sarcastically.

"You HAVE TO care. Saints Yuki-Rin and Kazuma own it," Miller Pratt, the navigator who recently joined, explained. Yukari and Kazura facepalmed.

"Miller, I'm sorry, but I'm siding with Edmund. Although our debauched parents own the bridge, we don't really care," Kazura explained before he turned to Yukari. "Come on, Yukari. Let's go get some coffee."

Yukari, Kazura, and the two, new thieves on the Libras, Aurelia and Locke Sarutobi, left the mayor's mansion.

* * *

><p><strong>Restaurant Row Arc<strong>

"Fernando Aguilar of The Yakuza Kitchen, I choose you!"

As the Libras ate with their new chefs, Fernando, Angelica, and Grandma Magda, "Black Leg" Sanji of the Baratie stormed in.

"What's going on?" Amelia asked everyone.

"It's some sort of free-for-all the restaurants like to do for no reason. The losers have to work at another restaurant until their old restaurant wins their freedom," Fernando explained.

The Libras looked to each other for answers.

"...Is it cheating if we help him?" Rhett asked everyone.

"I think so," Yukari said before she turned back to Fernando, Angelica, and Grandma Magda. "Sorry, guys, you're on your own."

Fernando screamed.

"Don't call the cops on us!" Fernando screamed as Sanji grabbed his collar.

* * *

><p><strong>LougetownSarutobi Reunion Arc**

"Aleksandar!"

"Mason!"

Mason ran out of the boarding school for the children of Nobles and hugged his brother in a very sappy scene.

"Okay, now what? This seems kind of gay," Aleksandar asked his twin brother. Mason shrugged.

"Let's go find Teru or something. Last we checked, she was the younger version of Auntie Teru," Mason said.

"Okay. As long as we never have to go home to mom and dad ever again," Aleksandar said.

"Hells yeah," Mason said as he high-fived his twin.

* * *

><p><strong>Ginling Island Arc<strong>

"Give Yukari back right now, you piece of mainstream garbage!"

Currently, Yukari was being held captive by Spandam, a rich suitor her parents wanted her to marry for money, and Edmund was coming to her rescue.

"Why do you want to rescue this girl?!" Spandam asked.

"Because Yukari and I have a lot of sexual tension going on between us, duh!" Edmund pointed out. "We don't need money to freely love each other like it is Amsterdam's Red Light District!"

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Spandam yelled. Edmund said nothing as he walked over to Spandam and pushed him to the ground.

"Yukari, we're leaving!" Edmund yelled. Yukari got up and followed Edmund out of the mansion.

* * *

><p><strong>Ghost Ship Arc<strong>

"Who are they?" Kazura asked as he pointed to two, Chinese tresspassers.

"I'm Jin-Mao, and this is my girlfriend, Daiyu," Jin-Mao introduced himself.

"Who are they?" Kazura asked as he pointed to other two, Chinese tresspassers.

"I'm Wenqing. That's Lin. We're vampires," Wenqing introduced herself. Kazura turned to his nakama.

"Why are people sneaking onto our ship?" Kazura aske everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Appenzell Island Arc<strong>

"Is this real life?" Edmund asked. Currently, he was in the local hospital for a bad cold, and his fever was getting worse. His doctor, Alto Jarvis, laughed.

"But, of course," Alto said. "It's called a fever for a reason." A crash was heard downstairs.

"Alto! Yasopp and Shanks broke in!"

Alto got out a giant syringe.

"Not again..." Alto said before he ran off.

* * *

><p><strong>Baba Yaga Arc<strong>

"So, you're the princess of this island?" Kazura asked Princess Pearl Chung-Feng of the Island of Eternal Night as they entered the royal palace.

"Yep. Lien's my bodyguard," Pearl answered as she motioned to Lien, who was waving around a fake katana.

"Boom! Hunger Games!" Lien yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Oh, and, spoiler alert - My step-mom kills and eats people," Pearl said. Everyone grew silent.

"Let's go kill her right now. I don't feel like being in a horror movie situation," Kazura suggested.

* * *

><p><strong>Noblesse Oblige Arc<strong>

Daiyu shifted in her chair. Right now, she was at her Aunt Chimney's mansion to fulfill a marriage contract.

"_Somebody, hurry up. I want to go home_," Daiyu thought to herself as Chimney skipped into the room with Quinn Hayward, Aurelia's fianceé.

"Daiyu, this is Quinn, your fianceé," Chimney introduced the thirty-something to Daiyu, who began to cry.

"I'm not a lesbian! She's, like, twice my age!" Daiyu sobbed.

* * *

><p><strong>Five Days of Fun Arc<strong>

An amnesiac Yukari said nothing as she was led onto the ship of the Gemini Pirates.

"Just so you know, I kidnapped everyone on my crew," Linus explained to Yukari. The rest of his crew grinnned.

"Join us..." The Geminis said in a creepy tone of voice. Yukari screamed.

"I need an adult!" Yukari screamed before she ran away from the crew. The Geminis sweatdropped.

"At least we aren't the real Stockholm Syndromes," Maven said.

* * *

><p><strong>Triad Arc<strong>

Yukari sat across Cleo and Beau, who were trying to free their sister, Autumn Farraday, from a brothel owner known as A.A.A.

"So... Will you help us, even though our sister is a Bluh-Bluh Bitch?" Beau asked. Yukari smiled.

"You can join my crew instead," Yukari offered. Cleo and Beau looked to each other, then back to Yukari.

"Why the hell not? Screw trying to rescue Autumn," Cleo said.

* * *

><p><strong>Project Mei Arc<strong>

"...And that's why Aurelia-ya is batshit cray-cray," A time-traveling hipster named Trafalgar Law explained.

"Oh, we already killed General Sengoku and that one guy earlier. You don't need to worry," Locke explained with a wave of his hand. "In fact, why don't you come with us? We'll find you a good crew."

Law smiled.

"A crew made up of hipsters? Hell yes," Law said happily.

* * *

><p><strong>Prince's Rebellion Arc<strong>

The Libras stood outside the castle of Prince Eneru, a prince who was angry because he barely gets any scenes in this fic.

"See? This is why my son and I need to leave," Jewelry Bonney, Eneru's common law wife, explained as she held her son, Zoro's, hand.

"Can we go to the zoo now?" Zoro asked.

"No. We have a revolution to need," Bonney said. The Libras then raised their weapons in a badass manner.

"For Narnia!" The Libras, Bonney, and Zoro yelled before they stormed the castle of Eneru.

* * *

><p><strong>Airship Island Arc<strong>

"What?! You can't leave us!" Bonney, Zoro, and Law cried as Yukari pushed them toward her friends, the Aries Pirates.

"It's for your own good," Yukari said darkly as the sky island blew up around them.

"Why is the island blowing up?" Zoro asked.

"Because Ceasar Clown is a crazy bitch. Weren't you there?" Edmund asked. The Libras then turned to the edge of the island. "Well... YOLO."

The Libras then base-jumped off of the island.

* * *

><p><strong>Erin Island Arc<strong>

"What, what, WHAT are you doing, Usopp?!"

Yukari, Kazura, and Miller were exploring Erin Island, where Kazura was originally from.

"I got Kaya pregnant. She wants to have the baby tonight, but I don't know if I'm a good father," Usopp explained.

"Usopp, look at your life, look at your choices," Miller ordered. One long, Sassy, Gay Friend montage later...

"You're a stupid bitch," Miller told Usopp before he re-joined the Miyafuji siblings. "Kazura, let's go check out your trendy apartment above that gastropub."

* * *

><p><strong>Mr. Chung-Feng Arc<strong>

Daiyu blinked as the childhood friend she was supposed to marry, Monkey D. Luffy, entered the room.

"Luffy, what are you doing? You know it's not wise to interrupt somebody who is watching Doctor Who," Daiyu asked as she motioned to the T.V., where a David Tennant episode of Doctor Who was playing.

"Daiyu, teach me about sex!" Luffy said with a grin. Daiyu grew pale.

"Uhh... Uhh... Pervert! I need an adult!" Daiyu yelled as she ran next door to Jin-Mao's bedroom. Inside, Jin-Mao was sleeping. Daiyu sighed as she put her hands to her mouth. "DERPY IS BEST PONY!"

Jin-Mao awoke.

"What?" Jin-Mao asked. "Who is best pony?"

A few minutes later, Daiyu and Jin-Mao tried to escape from Daiyu's father, Franky.

"Ow! I've just been shot!" Jin-Mao yelled, as Franky threw Jin-Mao's dagger into his arm. Daiyu facepalmed as she picked up Jin-Mao.

"You're fine. You're going to live," Daiyu explained.

* * *

><p><strong>Last Samurai Arc<strong>

Kipton took a deep breath. The baby was due soon, and the Libras were -

"Excuse me?" Kipton said, getting up from the couch he was lying on. "I'm a guy. Unless I'm a transvestite with the right parts, I can't give birth. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't an M-preg fic."

Nigel facepalmed as the Libras entered the Japanese-styled mansion.

"Is everything okay?" Yukari asked.

"Just... Just go. We have a lot of explaining to the authoress to do," Nigel ordered.

* * *

><p><strong>Playdate Arc<strong>

The Libras looked around the dollhouse they were in. Due to a seven-year old Noble named Saint Eustass Kidd, the Libras were now the size of small dolls.

"Okay... Play time is over. If anybody knows how to reverse this, please tell me now," Kazura said.

"We have to wait twenty-four hours until we grow back to normal," Alton Cheung, the blacksmith who recently joined, explained. Kazura then punched the wall he was standing next to.

"Damn it!" Kazura yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Hell CasinoMafiya Arc**

Aleksandar looked around the room he, his brother, and his male cousins were seated in. One minute, they were gambling with the fake I.D.s Daruma gave them, and the next minute, they passed out and ended up in this room with some other people.

"You're all my bitches now."

"Dragon Lady" Kalifa entered the room. Everyone grew silent.

"Can I go make a phone call?" Lucci asked.

"No. Making phone calls is sexual harassment," Kalifa explained.

"But, Kalifa, we work together!" Lucci pointed out.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa said. As Lucci and Kalifa continued to argue, Aleksandar, Mason, Lien, and Locke got up and left the room. A few minutes later, they were outside the Peony Pavilion Resort and Casino.

"Next time, we are going to stay at a Best Western," Locke told his younger cousins.

* * *

><p><strong>Fractured Fairy Tale Arc<strong>

Soren said nothing as he swallowed the Devil Fruit Law used to own.

"Teru... I don't want to go!" Soren sobbed. "We didn't even have freaky, hot sex!"

"We can do that now, if you like," Teru said before she kissed Soren.

"Me gusta..." Soren said as Teru led him away. The other Libras sweatdropped.

"I am so done with Soren," Kazura said blankly.

"He ate my cookies," Edmund said as he held up an empty bag of cookies.

* * *

><p><strong>Three Mile Island Arc<strong>

The Libras said nothing as they stared down the giant, Venus Fly Trap that was about to possibly kill them. As they took a step foward, everyone but Marlene passed out because of the horrible pollution on the island.

"I'm not clearing this up..." Marlene said before she walked away.

* * *

><p><strong>Cult of Bya no Kuei Arc<strong>

As the Libras ate breakfast, Yukari cleared her throat.

"My parents and Aleksandar and Mason's parents are losing an uprising against hipsters. Who wants to go on vacation?" Yukari asked everyone. Everyona raised their hands.

"I do! I do!" The Libras yelled.

Unfortunately, this lead to an adventure where Beau was mistaken for the lovechild of Pants Bullet and Roronoa Zoro, _The Reichenbach Falls_ was parodied, and there was much celebrating.

* * *

><p><strong>Vampire Princess Lavinia Arc<strong>

The Libras said nothing as they stared down Chopper, Wenqing's now-vampiric ex-husband. All of the Libras wore old-fashioned clothing that would be seen at a carnival in 1905.

"Is this vintage?" Kazura asked everyone as he studied his boater hat.

"Why are we wearing these clothes?" Edmund asked everyone.

"I think it's because we were going to the carnival," Amelia explained. As the Libras continued to discuss their clothes, Chopper facepalmed.

"Fucking hipsters..." Chopper said before he walked away.

* * *

><p><strong>Water Seven Arc<strong>

The Libras clutched their weapons, ready to defend themselves from Kartik Abingdon, the owner of the chimeras living in the Pandorica Opera House.

"Really, dad? You're playing Uncle Enoch?" Edmund asked. He then dropped his sword. "Done. I am so done."

Edmund then walked out of the opera house. The rest of the Libras dropped their weapons and followed Edmund.

* * *

><p><strong>Return of Roscoe Arc<strong>

"You booked us a stay at a vintage bed and breakfast?!"

Yukari and Edmund arrived at the Bishop's Bed and Breakfast, where they were staying for Valentine's Day.

"I did not know this place looked totally vintage!" Edmund said in surprise.

"Yep! Totes vintage!" Yukari said in agreement. As Yukari and Edmund continued to gush about how vintage the bed and breakfast was, Spandam watched them from a corner.

"I think I'm going to leave..." Spandam said as he slowly walked away.

* * *

><p><strong>Glass House Arc<strong>

The Libras filed into the upstairs dining room of the World's Largest Mansion, all of them looking incredibly lost.

"This is going to be on T.V., right?" Aleksandar asked Yukari as they sat down. The Geminis entered the room.

"Hey! This is a private meeting! No Geminis!" Kazura yelled. With sad faces, the Geminis left the room.

"Is this the kitchen?"

Vivi Nefetari, an admirer of Locke, entered the room.

"No! Get out!" The Libras yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Shotgun Wedding Arc<strong>

Locke said nothing as he and Monet walked the streets of South Lodi City.

"So... We're getting married," Monet said seductively. Locke grew pale.

"Get me out of here..." Locke pleaded before he woke up in his room on the Coachella.

"Locke, were you dreaming that we were the Capricorns again?" Aurelia asked.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>I can't believe I just parodied one of my own fics.

Well, I did parody an obscure fic of mine called _Geishas of Winter_. I don't like to talk about it. GoW had too much Heathcliffe x Aki fluff to me to handle.

Anyway, here's a cast list to tell which Libra played which Capricorn.

**Yuki-Rin: Yukari Miyafuji**

**Molly O'Flannigan: Kazura Miyafuji**

**Heathcliffe Sarutobi: Teru Sarutobi**

**Hatori Chidori: Stella-Rondo**

**Kazuma Miyafuji: Opal Rinaldi**

**Kartik Abingdon: Edmund and Rhett Abingdon**

**Matsu Takeshima: Amelia and Bridey Abingdon**

**Karin Kotetsu: Marlene Grey**

**"Blind" Drusilla: Cosmo MacGhee**

**Z.G: Daruma Hideyoshi**

**Maki-chan: Erika Hiiragi**

**Daisuke Saburo: Locke Sarutobi**

**Yulia Tadase: Aurelia Sarutobi**

**Hana Yakushi: Miller Pratt**

**Sebastian Hozuki: Fernando and Magda Aguilar and Angelica Fischer**

**Holden Sarutobi: Mason Sarutobi**

**Soren Sarutobi: Aleksandar Sarutobi**

**Aki Chung-Feng: Daiyu Lung**

**Showtarou Shinohara: Jin-Mao Xiang**

**Kaoru Kimura: Wenqing Chin**

**Mina Nishikori: Lin Tiang**

**Ageha Midori: Alto Jarvis**

**Akari Shimura: Pearl Chung-Feng**

**Thierry Brighton: Lien Sarutobi**

**Gareth Archer: Quinn Hayward**

**Wolfgang Katsuragi: Beau Hayward**

**Enlai Li: Cleo Hayward**

**Mikuri Matsumoto: Nigel Crawley**

**Sayuki Matsumoto: Kipton Lim**

**Blaise Nightwing: Alton Cheung**

That was a long list...

**Anyway, review if you want to see the Capricorns play the Libras!**


	88. Geishas of Winter

**Author's Note: **There's two things you need to know about this chapter:

1. Anybody remember my old, Heathcliffe x Aki fanfic _Geishas of Winter_? To this day, since I still shudder at how mushy and sappy it was (the past version of the authoress thought it was romantic). It became so infamous to me, that I decided to write a parody of that fic.

2. **luffykotheeevee **and I also made a bet relating to this chapter. If I win, she writes something for her crack fic, ATP Playhouse. If I lose, I have to write her something for this fic. Since we made too many suggestions on what we're betting on, I'm not sure who won. You'll know in the chapter after the next one, as I already have something planned for the next chapter.

And, there's that. Have fun reading a parody of a sappy, romantic fanfic that got turned into a hipster-seeming comedy.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

><p>Our story about star-crossed love in the young, beautiful elite starts in a stereotypical mansion in Beverly Hills, Los Angeles, California. Inside this mansion is Sir Crocodile, who is looking for a rich man to marry his daughter, Nami.<p>

"Sir Crocodile, thanks for coming to your performance review," Donquixote Doflamingo, a member of the Better Business Bureau of Southern California, said to Crocodile.

"No problem," Crocodile said.

"So, you're in charge around here. Is that fair to say?" Doflamingo asked.

"Absolutely. I'm the boss," Crocodile answered.

"Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the boss," Doflamingo requested.

"Well, the first thing I do is -" Crocodile explained before his publicist, Mihawk, entered the room.

"Talk to corporate, like a boss!" Mihawk requested.

"Approve memos!" Crocodile yelled. Mihawk just facepalmed.

"No. You need to talk to these corporate dudes on line two," Mihawk explained. "Oh, and some other suitors are coming for Nami later today."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Crocodile's daughter for this parody, Nami, was walking around in the gardens out back.<p>

"Damn it, Luffy! This is why throwing my house keys around is a big no-no!" Nami yelled as Crocodile began to follow her.

"Nami, I'm invading your privacy by following you!" Crocodile yelled. Nami turned around.

"What now?!" Nami cried.

"I've found a husband for you. The engagement party is tomorrow night!" Crocodile announced.

* * *

><p>Over at the Miyafuji household...<p>

"You're marrying Nami because you refuse to become a manly samurai like your father," Kazuma said to his son, Kazura.

"Excuse me?! Who died and made you king?!" Kazura cried.

"I did!" Kazuma said. "The engagement party is tomorrow night at Nami's mansion. There will also be a charity auction to raise money to save the whales. So, do your part, buy a tux for tomorrow, and save the whales."

"If you need us, Kazura has a kendo thingie. We'll be back at midnight," Yuki-Rin said before she and Kazuma left the house, leaving Kazura alone with his sister, Yukari.

"Isn't it awkward that the sixteen-year old versions of our parents are... Well, our parents?" Yukari asked. Kazura sighed.

"#Hipster problems," Kazura said under his breath. Yukari said nothing as somebody knocked on the door. "If it's mom, dad, or their friends, ignore them and pretend we're out of the house. If it Kartik and/or Matsu, however, invite them in."

Yukari answered the door to... The rest of the Libras.

"Hey, guys! What's up?" Yukari asked.

"Did you two forget what day it is?" Edmund asked.

"Friday?" Yukari asked. Edmund pulled a bag of organic, tortilla chips out.

"That, and... Bonnaroo starts today!" Edmund announced. Immediately, Kazura perked up.

"It's Bonnaroo already?!" Kazura cried as the Libras entered, carrying snacks and drinks.

"Yep! Day one of Bonnaroo starts today! Three straight days of some of the best music ever!" Rhett said. "Except R Kelly and Kendrick Lamar. Why are they performing at a hipster music festival?"

"We'll skip those sets," Kazura said. "But, for now, the den is where we will show Channel One of the simulcast. The upstairs lounge is where we'll show Channel Two. Got it? Good, let's set this party up!"

A half-hour later, the Bonnaroo simulcasts began, meaning the party could begin.

"Glitch Mob!" Mason yelled as he held up a lighter.

"They come later," Edmund said.

"Oh," Mason said as he pocketed the lighter. Everyone grew silent. "So... How 'bout it? Imagine Dragons is going to be at Lollapalooza."

"So are Mumford and Sons, Franz Ferdinand, and Queens of the Stone Age," Edmund added.

"Ah, yes, Franz Ferdinand - The one set the authoress either likes or hates. She may love the band, but she hated their set at Lollapalooza 2012," Mason said.

"But, she loved their set at Coachella 2013," Edmund argued. "Oh, and don't tell Kazura this, but... A little bird told me that Two Door Cinema Club was going to be at Austin City Limits this year."

"Get out! Two Door Cinema Club is at Austin City Limits?!" Kazura yelled before he turned serious. "Except I won't be there. I'm getting married for not becoming a samurai like my dad."

The Libras stopped whatever they were doing.

"Your dad did WHAT?" All of the other Libras but Yukari asked. One long story later...

"And that is why I'm marrying into a rich family," Kazura said, finishing up his story. Everyone grew silent.

"We missed Stone Temple Pilots for this?" Miller, Edmund, and Locke asked.

"I nearly missed Of Monsters and Men for this re-explanation of what happened to my brother!" Yukari argued. Edmund sighed.

"Kazura, do not be alarmed if we show up on your doorstep tomorrow morning," Edmund explained.

"Why?" Kazura asked.

"We can't tell you," Edmund answered in all seriousness.

* * *

><p>"I'm marrying a hipster?!"<p>

Those were the first words out of Nami's mouth that night at dinner. Crocodile sighed.

"Nami, we warned you about stairs, bro. We told you, dog," Crocodile said seriously. Nami sweatdropped.

"This has nothing to do with marriage!" Nami yelled as she got up. "I'm going to lock myself in my room for no reason! I hate playing Aki! I want to be Stella-Rondo or Greta!"

Nami then stormed off. Crocodile, Doflamingo and Mihawk sweatdropped.

"Are Doflamingo and I getting paid to be in this parody of a sappy love story?" Mihawk asked Crocodile, who laughed.

"No," Crocodile answered.

* * *

><p>"<em>Red - The blood of angry men!<em>"

It was around six-thirty the next morning, and Kazura was awokened by singing. Looking outside, he saw the Libras standing in front of a Volkswagon van.

"What the?" Kazura asked himself, too tired to say complete sentences.

"Hi, there! At dawn, we ride!" Edmund yelled. "Get dressed and eat something! We leave in fifteen!"

"Kazura, where are you going?!" Kazuma yelled from his bedroom.

"Out to breakfast!" Kazura yelled as Yukari entered the room. In one hand, she held a short-sleeved, plaid, hipster shirt, jeans, and vintage Chuck Taylors. In the other hand, she held a piece of toast.

"Don't worry about your bags. They've been packed," Yukari explained. A few minutes later, the Miyafuji siblings joined everyone on the front lawn.

"Okay, why did you wake me up at the crack of dawn?" Kazura asked.

"The sun rises in the West and sets in the East, but, in the course of human events, we all get married," Edmund explained. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Metaphor-to-English, please. You are NOT Augustus Waters," Kazura said. Edmund sighed.

"We're going on a road trip," Edmund announced. "And, don't say we pooled our money for this last night after the Bonnaroo simulcast ended. I've planned this for months, since that's when Kazuma started talking about marrying you off."

Kazura grew pale.

"He talked about this for MONTHS?! And he didn't tell me?!" Kazura yelled. Edmund shushed him.

"Shh... We don't want to wake the neighbors," Edmund whispered. A few minutes later, the Libras were all in the van.

"So, where are we going?" Kazura asked.

"Well, we're all trying to get to one place - The magical city known as Portland, Oregon, where the music is good, there are gastropubs aplenty, and the mainstream is rejected in favor of putting birds on things," Edmund explained. "However, by and large, the trip up there is going to take several days. We've got just as many side-trips, overnight stays, and vacations-from-vacations planned for this. We won't be back for weeks, trust us."

Kazura smiled.

"I like it. I'd rather have a hipster road trip than a chance to play Holden," Kazura said.

"Hey! Let's get breakfast at that one waffle house I like!" Mason suggested.

* * *

><p>That night, it was the engagement party. Only the Capricorns showed up.<p>

"Well, this party blows," Daisuke said. Crocodile flipped over the table he was standing next to.

"Where's my daughter, you bitch?!" Crocodile yelled. Meanwhile, at the airport...

"Yes, I'd like two tickets to Vegas," Nami said. She was with her secret boyfriend, Sanji.

"Eloping?" Kalifa - the clerk - asked.

"But, of course," Nami said.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa said sadly.

* * *

><p>That night, the Libras stopped at a town that was so small, they had a K-mart, but no Target. Currently, they were at an obscure pizza place nobody knew about.<p>

"_O-woah-woah-Ohio, Ohio!_" Several of the guy Libras sang.

"This is California," Yukari pointed out.

"And, this is a song by The Black Keys," Miller argued.

"Hey, what do you think everyone's doing at that engagement party right now?" Mason asked everyone.

"Drinking," Everyone answered. Mason lifted his bottle of an obscure soda.

"I'm going to need a lot of booze to handle this shit," Mason said in the voice of Cersei Lannister. Everyone laughed. "...Is what Kazura would say right now if he were at that party."

"But, of course, old sport," Kazura said with a tip of his hipster feodora.

"That's my line," Edmund pointed out.

"I've never heard you say 'old sport'," Kazura explained.

"I overused it to death when the new version of _The Great Gatsby _came out, old sport," Edmund argued.

"See! Edmund used it! We're all witnesses!" Amelia yelled. Kazura sighed.

"Normally, I'd be going 'I am so done'. But, since these are fellow hipsters, I'm letting it slide," Kazura explained.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, Nami and Sanji went straight to a wedding chapel.<p>

"Is she legal?" Chaka - the priest working at the chapel - asked Sanji.

"I'm eighteen. It means that I am an adult in some places and I can marry," Nami explained.

"That's all I needed to know," Chaka said as he stamped the papers that would make the marriage official. "Next!"

Sanji and Nami began to walk out of the wedding chapel.

"So... We'll get rings tomorrow. I heard Dillard's has a good selection," Sanji explained.

"Sanji, what's a Dillard's?" Nami asked innocently. (1)

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras stopped at yet another small town to get gas. This town was even smaller than the first.<p>

"Oi! You can't pump your own gas here!" Kidd yelled as he ran out of the gas station.

"Why can't I? Last time I checked, pumping your own gas was only illegal in two states - Oregon and New Jersey. Are we in Oregon or New Jersey? No, but we're actually on our way to Oregon," Miller asked. Kidd sighed.

"Fucking hipsters, trying to get to Portland..." Kidd said under his breath. The hipster lumberjack glared at the ginger Supernova.

"You say something?" Miller asked. Kidd grew pale.

"Go pump your gas! It's on the house!" Kidd yelled before he ran away. "Mommy!"

Miller sweatdropped.

"Is it too late to buy some peach rings?" Teru asked, poking her head out of the window.

* * *

><p>Outside of Vegas, Nami and Sanji arrived at an outlet mall.<p>

"Okay, where do we start?" Sanji asked. Several hours later...

"Did we even buy rings?" Sanji asked, carrying several bags. Nami shrugged. "Okay. We'll come back tomorrow."

"Does my dad even care that I eloped to Las Vegas against his wishes?" Nami wondered out loud. Back in Los Angeles...

"No, I don't give an apple fritter that Nami left. She's marrying Kazura when she gets back," Crocodile said.

"Kazura's also gone," Mihawk pointed out.

"They'll just get married when they're both in town," Crocodile said with a shrug.

"You don't even care, do you?" Mihawk asked.

"That ain't me. That ain't me," Crocodile said with a smile.

* * *

><p>That night, the Libras arrived in Reno, and they were staying in the downtown sector of town.<p>

"Hi, there! Vould you like to come to my drag show?!" Emporio Ivankov, a transvestite, asked the Libras, who sweatdropped.

"Uhh... I think I need an adult," Yukari said.

"I am an adult," Ivankov answered.

And that is how Kazura ended up on a dating show in one of the seedier casinos.

"And, now, here's the hipster in the plaid shirt and the vintage Chucks!" Ivankov said. Kazura walked foward.

"I'm Kazura, and I'm a hipster. I enjoy indie films, the music of Two Door Cinema Club, and shopping at obscure clothing stores, as shopping at thrift shops got too mainstream," Kazura said to the audience.

"Hi, Kazura!" The audience - who mainly consisted of okamas - shouted. Kazura sweatdropped.

"Sorry, I have to go. I'm supposed to meet my sister at Burger King," Kazura said before he ran off. A few minutes of running later...

"What were you doing? Downtown Reno is dangerous," Edmund asked Kazura as he entered the hotel room for the male Libras.

"I got eye-raped by many okamas..." Kazura said with a shudder. "I'm gonna go take a shower. We'll discuss dinner later."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Sanji and Nami were eating their "wedding dinner"... At a food court in a casino resort.<p>

"What?! A food court?! We just got married!" Nami cried.

"Of course, a food court. You can chose between a hot dog place, a Panda Express, a frozen yogurt place, a pizza place, or... A McDonald's. Pick your poison," Sanji explained. Nami sighed.

"Panda Express," Nami answered. "_Okay, where's the hidden camera?_"

* * *

><p>Since the authoress didn't feel like showing the rest of the Libras' trip and Sanji and Nami's "honeymoon", we skip ahead to the next month.<p>

"Sir Crocodile, thanks for coming to your performance review," Donquixote Doflamingo, a member of the Better Business Bureau of Southern California, said to Crocodile.

"No problem," Crocodile said.

"So, you're in charge around here. Is that fair to say?" Doflamingo asked.

"Absolutely. I'm the boss," Crocodile answered.

"Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the boss," Doflamingo requested.

"Well, the first thing I do is -" Crocodile explained before his publicist, Mihawk, entered the room.

"Talk to corporate, like a boss!" Mihawk requested.

"Approve memos!" Crocodile yelled. Mihawk just facepalmed.

"No. You need to talk to these corporate dudes on line two," Mihawk explained. "Oh, and Nami is back from Vegas. And Kazura and his friends are back from Portlandia."

* * *

><p>At the Miyafuji household, Kazura's iPhone rang.<p>

"Hello?" Kazura asked.

"_You're still marrying Nami. The engagement party is tomorrow night_."

Kazura spit out his coffee. Then, he called someone else on his iPhone.

"Edmund? It's me, Kazura. Is it possible for us to leave for Amelia and Rhett's birthday vacation to San Fransisco early?"

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Dillards is a department store. I've only seen locations in Central California and Nevada.

**Review if you want to see parodies of my other fics!**


	89. Hipster Swap

**Author's Note: **And, the winner over the bet **luffykotheeevee **and I did is...

The both of us. We tied. This is my penance to her. She asked for her Fairy Tail OC, Aldwin Yorkson, to end up swapping places with one of the Libras.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, Foley Maeve, or Aldwin Yorkson.**

* * *

><p><strong>Aldwin P.O.V.<strong>

It was another normal night... I guess. That is, until Anton decided to go out.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"Poker night," Anton answers casually before he leaves. However, he returns a few seconds later. "Oh, by the way, you can order ONE Wong Kai-War movie On Demand."

* * *

><p>The next morning, Anton returns in tears.<p>

"Anton, what's wrong?" I ask.

"I lost the Game!" Anton sobs.

"Darn it! I just lost the Game!" I yell.

"I just lost the Game yet again!" Anton yells.

"How can I lose the Game TWICE in the span of thirty seconds?!" I cry. Thirty minutes later...

"Okay, Anton, to be clear... What did you lose in that poker night?" I ask. Anton doesn't answer. "You played poker against the Sarutobi boys, didn't you?! You KNOW how much they love strip poker!"

"No, I didn't. I played against some of the Libras... And lost you in the process," Anton explains. I sweatdrop.

"Uhh... I'm right here," I point out. Anton sighs.

"I bet your contract, and I lost. Thankfully, one of the Libras lost and he bet a contract for another Libra," Anton explains. Then, a large musclar man with no shirt enters the house.

"How did you get in?!" I cry.

"Back door," The man says with a shrug. "Oh, Anton, your mom makes the best bacon."

"Why are you still in my house?!" I cry.

"Oh, that's Daruma, the guy I played poker with," Anton explains.

"I brought Kazura, now give me Aldwin," Daruma says as he pulls a brown-haired, hipster boy out of nowhere. I assume this is Kazura.

"I never agreed to this!" Kazura yelled.

"To the basement, people. To the basement. Many surprises await you," Daruma says to Kazura, who grows pale.

"No! You are NOT going to quote Two Door Cinema Club and sound like a pedophile in the process!" Kazura yells. Daruma turns to me. (1)

"Oi, Yorkson, if you come with me now, I can take you to Hooters, " Daruma orders. I sigh.

"Fine..." I say.

* * *

><p>After eating lunch at Hooters, I arrive at the Coachella, the ship of the Libra Pirates. Many of them are hipsters like Kazura.<p>

"Daruma, where's Kazura?" Edmund asks us.

"I bet his contract in a poker game and lost. Instead, Aldwin will now take his place," Daruma explains. The hipsters sweatdrop.

"Aldwin, we have some questions for you - Can you tolerate hipsters?" Edmund asks me.

"What does this have to do with anything?" I ask.

"Just answer the question," Miller says. I sigh.

"What's a hipster?" I ask. Everyone grows pale. Several minutes later...

"Got it! So, they hate mainstream stuff like bacon and weddings, right?" I ask. Yukari nods. "Perfect!"

"Next question - What is your opinion on the Capricorn -" Edmund asks before the Capricorn Pirates board the ship.

"Hey. We came to ruin your day," Yuki-Rin says with a wave of her hand. Edmund silently turns back to me.

"What is your opinion on those ruinous peasants who are tresspassing on this ship as I speak?" Edmund asks me.

"I heard they're pretty cool," I answer truthfully. Edmund then blows a whistle.

"Go to your room and think about what you have done. Or, until we can get Kazura back," Edmund orders.

"Where is my room?" I ask. Yukari sighs and walks over to me.

"I'll walk you over there. I hope the Helvetica font is easy on your eyes," Yukari says before she guides me inside the ship.

* * *

><p><strong>Kazura's P.O.V.<strong>

It's been a very awkward few hours. I'm now in a mansion with a cat who is also a vampire.

"So... Want to go to the movies?" I ask.

"What movie?" Anton asks me.

"_In the Mood For Love_. We'll have to go to the indie revival theater for that," I explain.

"Can't. I'm supposed to throw a birthday party for a Foley of the Maeve clan," Anton explains.

"Who's invited?" I ask.

"The Straw Hat Pirates, the Capricorn Pirates, some hipsters who call themselves the 'Libra Pirates', the Aries Pirates, the Gemini Pirates, Master Aldwin, and Foley Maeve and her personalities," The cat explains to me. A lightbulb goes off in my head.

"I don't care that some of the worst people on the planet will be there. We can use the party to swap my contract for Aldwin's contract, and I can go back to my crew," I explain.

"That sounds like a good idea, old sport," Anton says. I then remember something - The hipster glasses I got Maeve for her birthday are on the Coachella.

"Uhh... I need to go back to my ship to -" I say as I get up. But, Anton stops me.

"Bitch, ain't nobody got time for that," Anton says.

* * *

><p>The next afternoon, the party starts in the backyard. Anton keeps me close to the back doors to recieve everyone.<p>

"Good afternoon, Beal. Hope you enjoy the party, Linus. Go to Hell, Heathcliffe. Lovely weather we're having, Robin. Greta, I love your dress. Holden, get lost. Hey, Leira, we're getting Starbucks afterwards, right? Sanji, is your blazer vintage? I like it. Soren, get bent. Franky, could you make me one of your coffee percolators? Jack, I know you have a nice jacket, but this is a no-smoking zone. Oh, hey, Llewellyn. What's up? Aki, please talk about your 'Sarutobi-kun' elsewhere, as it makes me sick," I say to each guest as they pass by and leave their presents for Maeve at the table I'm standing next to. Then, Mason approaches me with his present.

"Is this where -" Mason asks me before I suddenly find myself... Hugging the boy with the messy-looking hair and the eyes rimmed with eyeliner. "Kazura, what are you doing?"

"I never thought I would be hugging a Sarutobi! You have saved me from a boring existance of working with a vampire cat forever!" I yell. Everyone sweatdrops.

"Move already!" The younger version of my dad shouts from behind us. I just glare at him.

"I'll be back in five minutes!" I yell as I drag Mason away.

"Great, now the younger version of your dad is going to think we're a gay couple," Mason says.

"Have you seen anyone else?" I ask. "I just want to be back on the -"

"Kazura?"

"Lumberjack hipster!" I yell as I push Mason to the ground and give Miller a bear-hug.

"Great! Now the younger version of your father is going to think that we're a gay couple and you're cheating on me with Miller!" Mason yells from the ground.

"Kazuma, shut up! I have Unresolved Sexual Tension for Opal!" Miller yells.

"Bring it on, Lumberjack Hipster!" My dad yells. Miller gets his axe out.

"Bring it, 'Manly' Samurai!" Miller retorts.

"I'll bash those ironic glasses right through your skull!" The teenaged version of dad yells as he pulls out his katana. I sigh. Of course, this party has a fight between the mainstream (Capricorns) versus the ironic (us).

"iSilencio, por favor! Kazura y Aldwin, ven a Anton, por favor!"

Everyone sweatdrops.

"What?! What did you say about doing a favor for Kazura where I have to lock Anton in an air vent?!" Aldwin yells. Everyone sweatdrops. "Not again! Everyone's sweatdropping!"

"I can translate!" Fernando yells. "Kazura and Aldwin need to go to Anton!"

I sigh as Aldwin and I approach Anton, who is on a makeshift stage.

"Why is there a stage?" I ask.

"Do you like the Sarutobi brothers' music?" Anton asks.

"Not really... They're too mainstream in the time period I live in," I answer. Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren gasp.

"What the hell are you calling us?! Future sell-outs?! We love punk rock, and we love playing instruments! Back the fuck off!" Soren yells. I facepalm.

"Look, you've got screaming fangirls in the time period I live in! Your fangirls are going to make the Justin Bieber fangirls go deaf!" I retort.

"That's good! Justin Bieber sucks!" Heathcliffe yells back. Inwardly... I find myself AGREEING with what a Sarutobi from the Capricorns said?

"I know, right? Justin Bieber can't sing, he's a spoiled brat, and he isn't being held accountable for his actions. I mean, he recently injured a paparazzo in a hit-and-run accident. Why isn't the guy who got injured pressing charges?" I ask.

"Uhh... Guys? We're right here," Aldwin says. I turn to the vampire cat and his... Worker.

"Oh, yeah," I say. "Does this mean I can go back to my crew?"

"Not yet," Anton says. "You must sing a song from Spongebob."

Aldwin grows pale.

"Uhh... Okay?" Aldwin says.

"I'm not singing a song from Spongebob!" I argue. It's too late, since Anton is clearing his throat.

"_What's your favorite idea?  
>Mine is being creative.<br>How do you get the idea?  
>I just try to think, creatively<em>," Anton sings. Everyone else screams.

"Don't hug me! I'm scared!" Mason cries as he latches onto me.

"Mason, stop it. I think dad already thinks I'm gay for you, cheating on you with Miller, AND that I'm trying to reconcile with you," I explain. Mason pouts.

"Fine! Go cheat on me with Miller, then we'll talk!" Mason says before he walks away. I turn back to Anton and Aldwin.

"_Now let's all agree, to never be creative again_," Anton sings as he does some jazz hands. Only one person claps. I sigh.

"Anton, you can have Aldwin back. My crew and I are going back to our ship," I say.

"Wow... Thanks for brining me back to Anton, Kazura," Aldwin says. I shove my hands in the pockets of my jeans.

"Anytime," I say before I join my crew. "Now... Let's go back to the Coachella and never speak of this again."

* * *

><p>When we get back to the Coachella, the younger version of my dad is waiting, katana in his lap.<p>

"Son, explain to me WHY you're gay for Holden and Hana's son from the future AND a lumberjack," My dad says. I slowly back up.

"Would you look at the time?! I actually forgot to pick up some milk, bread, eggs, and the latest issue of Pitchfork Magazine at the store! I'll be right back!"

I don't return from the market for two hours. Thankfully, when I return, dad is gone.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: We're approaching the 100th chapter, so review with your suggestions for it!<strong>


	90. Where's the Mayor?

**Author's Note: **This is based off of - you guessed it - an episode of Portlandia.

Also, we're in the middle of a HUGE update spam for the fic, as we are working toward the 100th chapter. Vote in the poll now for your favorite fic in this crack fic series!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Portlandia. Also, it is very weird to ship Denny's Diner and Longhorn Steakhouse, but it's what all the cool kids are doing now. Don't try it at home with In-n-Out x Little Caesars.**

* * *

><p>It was another day in Water Seven, a suburb of Portland, Oregon. On this day, Yukari Miyafuji and her brother, Kazura, were at Mayor Iceburg's office. They wanted him to sign their copies of a book he recently published.<p>

"Can you believe that Iceburg makes the history of the Helvetica font actually interesting and exciting?" Kazura asked his sister.

"This is going next to that Black Keys book Miller gave me for my birthday," Yukari said as they approached the desk of Kalifa, Iceburg's secretary.

"May I help you if this doesn't involve sexual harassment?" Kalifa asked. Yukari and Kazura sweatdropped.

"We just want Iceburg to sign our copies of _A Helvetic History of Helvetica_," Kazura explained.

"Iceburg's boning his mistress right now. Come back," Kalifa said cheerfully. Yukari and Kazura sweatdropped.

"I don't remember Iceburg having a mistress," Kazura said.

"Uh... He's on his lunch break," Kalifa said.

"It's two in the afternoon," Yukari pointed out. Kalifa facepalmed.

"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ," Kalifa said.

"WTF?! You can't say emoticons! Those aren't words!" Kazura yelled.

"Whoops! Why was the authoress surfing the offical Tumblr blog of Denny's?!" Kalifa asked. "What I meant to say was this - That's sexual harassment."

"Of course," Yukari and Kazura said.

"We just want to see Iceburg. Is that too much to ask?" Kazura asked.

"(◕‿◕✿) ," Kalifa said. Kazura facepalmed.

"Kalifa, what have we told you about speaking in emoticon?" Kazura asked. Kalifa stood up and removed the flower that magically appeared in her hair.

"You say something about me?" Kalifa asked as she handed her flower to Kazura. "Here, hold my flower."

Kalifa walked out of the office. Kazura looked to the flower, then back to Kalifa.

"Kick his ass, babe. I've got your flower," Kazura said to the audience. "I only said that because Odacchi is holding the cue cards in the direction I'm looking in."

Then, Kazura realized that he was possibly encouraging Kalifa to continue to speak in emoticon.

"(╯°□°?╯? ┻━┻!" Kazura yelled as he flipped over Kalifa's desk. Yukari sweatdropped.

"At least he actually acted out what the emoticon was trying to convey..." Yukari said to herself. "Hey, Kazura, should we just go into Iceburg's office?"

"Well, the secretary left, so we have nobody to stop us, I guess," Kazura said. With a shrug, Yukari and Kazura went into Iceburg's office, and nobody was there.

"Iceburg? Iceburg? Are you in here?" Yukari asked.

"Let's go back out and wait," Kazura suggested. One hour later...

"He's STILL not here?!" Kazura cried.

"He must be on his lunch break," Yukari commented.

"For over an hour? I don't think so. Sounds like he went missing," Kazura explained.

"Then, we'll search all of Water Seven and Portland to find him! It can't be that difficult!" Yukari said.

"But, where do we start?" Kazura asked.

"Well, it's 2013. Technology has improved to a point where we can track somebody's phone," Yukari explained.

"So... We need to start at a cell phone shop," Kazura said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Jewelry Bonney, another hipster, was riding her bike through town, as it was her birthday.<p>

"It's my birthday!" Bonney yelled as she biked down the street. Then, she crashed into another hipster on a bike, Trafalgar Law. "Ow..."

A cupcake with a birthday candle on it appeared next to Bonney.

"What the?" Bonney asked herself as she and Law got up from the ground.

"Swiggty Swaggity, we're going to Denny's," Law announced.

"But, I was on my way to Round Table Pizza," Bonney argued. Law grabbed Bonney's arm and stared right into her eyes.

"Do you ship DenHouse?" Law asked.

"What's a DenHouse?" Bonney asked.

"Do you ship Denny's with Longhorn Steakhouse?" Law asked. (1)

"I... Uhh..." Bonney said.

"We're a hipster couple now. Want to make-out?" Law asked.

"Okay," Bonney said with a shrug before she began making-out with Law.

* * *

><p>Back with Yukari and Kazura, they were arriving at a small, cell phone shop.<p>

"Excuse us, but can you track somebody's cell phone for us?" Yukari asked Zoro, the clerk at the counter. Zoro then woke up from his nap.

"Err... What time is it?" Zoro asked.

"4:45 in the afternoon," Kazura answered. Zoro whistled.

"Damn! I missed Wife Swap!" Zoro commented. "Anyway, what do you need?"

"We need to track somebody's cell phone," Yukari answered. "And, no, we're not stalkers. We need to talk to Mayor Iceburg, and he went missing."

"Oi, you can't do that," Zoro said. Kazura sighed.

"Look, we just said that we aren't stalkers. The mayor is missing," Kazura explained.

"Oh, I knew that," Zoro said. "However, you can't track people without having a contract for this wireless brand."

Yukari and Kazura sweatdropped.

"We both have contracts with AT&T. Is that okay?" Kazura asked.

"No, it is not okay! You need to have a contract for [Bleep] Wireless!" Zoro yelled.

"Well... Can we switch our providers?" Yukari asked.

"But, of course. That is why you came to [Bleep] Wireless today," Zoro explained.

"Actually, we came here to track Mayor Iceburg's cell phone so we could find him," Kazura explained.

"After you switch your phone provider to [Bleep] Wireless," Zoro added. A few minutes of filling out pointless forms later...

"Well, that was stupid," Kazura commented. "Do we still keep our iPhones?"

"_Fucking hipsters and their iPhones..._" Zoro thought to himself. "You could, or, you could buy a new phone. Do you want the Lollipop model, the Ice Cream Sandwich model, the Animal Cracker model, or the Deep-Fried, Bacon-Wrapped, Ice Cream Sandwich model?"

"Why do they use cutesy-sounding food names for cell phone models?" Kazura asked.

"Uhh... The people who made those phones were high? I don't know," Zoro said. "Where was I? Ah, yes, the scalene triangle."

Kazura facepalmed.

"Can we track Iceburg now?" Kazura asked. Zoro pulled out a Leap Pad.

"Throwback Thursday, bitches," Zoro said.

"It's Tuesday," Yukari pointed out.

"It's Throwback Thursday when I say so!" Zoro yelled as he did stuff on his Leap Pad. "Ah! Iceburg is at TGI Fridays!"

"Thanks!" Kazura said.

"No problem. Thank you for choosing [Bleep] Wireless as your cell phone service provider," Zoro said.

"Why is the name of the company bleeped out?" Yukari asked.

"Because the Illuminati are tracking my business and I need to fly under the radar for another six months. Plus, I was drinking when I thought up the name," Zoro explained. Yukari and Kazura grew silent. "What? Go! Get lost! You know my name, not my story!"

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Yukari and Kazura arrived at the local TGI Fridays.<p>

"Hey! Are you hear for Happy Hour?!" Daruma shouted from across the restaurant.

"We're trying to find Iceburg!" Kazura yelled back.

"( ‾ʖ̫‾)!" Daruma yelled. Yukari and Kazura sweatdropped as they sat down.

"Why is everyone speaking in emoticons?" Yukari asked.

"Yukari, we live in the suburbs of Portland, Oregon. That alone explains everything," Kazura explained.

"Hello, TGI Fridays! Please put your hands together for... Yonkou Reggae!"

Yukari and Kazura turned to the stage, where Shanks, Yasopp, Benn Beckmann, Lucky Roux, and Iceburg - a reggae band - were performing. Iceburg played one of the guitars.

"Looks like we found Iceburg," Yukari said.

"I didn't know he was in a reggae band," Kazura commented. "This band isn't too bad. Maybe with a record deal, they could be at Coachella."

"I concur," Yukari said in agreement.

* * *

><p>The next day, everyone in Water Seven knew that Iceburg was secretly in a reggae band. The press coverage on this event, predictably, played out like a sex scandal.<p>

"_Mayor Iceburg - 'I'm reggae'._"

"_Mayor Iceburg - Openly reggae_."

Iceburg said nothing as he read the tabloids.

"Why is this playing out like a sex scandal?" Iceburg asked Kalifa.

"◕‿‿◕," Kalifa answered. Iceburg sweatdropped.

"Please don't speak emoticon. It confuses the fudge brownie out of everyone," Iceburg requested.

"Contract? You could become a great Puella Magi," Kalifa asked. Iceburg got up.

"I'm going to go take the rest of the afternoon off so I can write my book about my reggae band. Don't wait up," Iceburg said before he left his office. A minute later, Yukari and Kazura arrived.

"He just left," Kalifa said bluntly. Yukari and Kazura grew silent.

"Not again!" Yukari cried. Kazura pulled out his iPhone.

"I'm switching back to AT&T! Screw [Bleep] Wireless!" Kazura yelled as he pressed random buttons on his iPhone.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Yes, people are shipping RESTAURANT CHAINS on Tumblr now. And making blogs for said restaurants. I don't know what's going on, but it's hilarious. It's the Swimming Anime all over again.

**Review if you ship Denny's and Longhorn Steakhouse! (Actually, I ship In-n-Out with Round Table Pizza).**


	91. The Sarutobi Family Reunion

**Author's Note: **Lately, I've realized that I've been using the OCs of **luffykotheeevee **a bit too much in this fic. So, I did the fair thing and asked one of the readers of this fic if I could use their OC for this chapter. That author was **A.G. Moria**, and said OC is Ashley. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece, A.G. Moria owns Ashley, and I own all of the Sarutobis.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal night in Reno, Nevada. However, for Gecko Moria, Bartholomew Kuma, Dracule Mihawk, Perona, and Ashley, it wasn't a normal night. They owned the Thriller Bark Hotel and Casino, and the extremely wealthy Sarutobi family decided to have their family reunion at this resortcasino.

"This sucks! I don't want to spend my Friday night hosting a family reunion where ghost grandmothers, abusive fathers, hot, punk rock boys, and hipster girls try and kill each other!" Perona cried.

"And, I certinately DO NOT want to spend MY Friday night with Perona!" Ashley yelled.

"I was supposed to spend my Friday night watching porn, and look where I am!" Moria argued. Ashley and Perona sweatdropped.

"Why do you like porn so much?" Mihawk asked.

"42," Moria answered. "That's the answer to life, universe, and everything."

Perona then bitch-slapped Moria.

"That doesn't tell us anything!" Perona yelled. Everyone else in the room sweatdropped.

"Anyway, all of us have to be on our best behavior. We are expecting the large, wealthy, Sarutobi family at any moment," Moria explained.

"Which family members?" Kuma asked. Moria facepalmed.

"OMG, Kuma, we are NOT playing 'Who's on First?'" Moria explained. "We are expecting Linton Channing Pettyfer Magic Mike Sarutobi I, Isabella Sarutobi, Linton Channing Pettyfer Magic Mike Sarutobi II, Catherine Taylor Courtney Stodden neé Sarutobi, Soren Sarutobi, Holden Sarutobi, Heathcliffe Sarutobi, Teru Sarutobi, Hana Yakushi-Sarutobi, Aki Chung-Feng neé Sarutobi, Locke Sarutobi, Aurelia Sarutobi, Aleksandar I've-Got-a-Gary-Stu-Spelling-of-the-Name-'Alexande r' Sarutobi, Mason Blackheart Lingerie Sarutobi, Pearl Chung-Feng neé Sarutobi, Lien Sarutobi neé Chung-Feng, Aria Fowler-Yakushi, Meggie Fowler, Dane Fowler, Alistair Fowler, Hugh Fowler, Patrick Fowler, and Thorn McDouche Hipster Sarutobi."

Ashley, Kuma, and Perona sweatdropped.

"What the hell is it with this family and ridiculous middle names?" Perona asked. "It's sad and not cute that they gave Mason the middle name of 'Blackheart Lingerie'." (1)

"Why can't we host the Abingdon family reunion instead? They're much nicer, and Matsu makes really good egg salad sandwiches and Snicker Doodle cookies," Kuma asked.

"Because I hate them," Moria answered bluntly.

"Why do you hate them?" Ashley asked. Ten minutes later...

"...Then, they burned my porn magazines and Kartik gave me a purity ring, saying that I must wait until marriage to get it on with somebody," Moria explained. Ashley, Mihawk, Kuma, and Perona began laughing. "Shut up! Those were my good copies of Playboy!"

Ashley, Mihawk, Perona, and Kuma grew silent.

"Well, I suppose we know what to do now..." Kuma said as he got his Bible out from Hammerspace. Perona got out a spiked mace, Mihawk got out his huge-ass sword, Ashley got out a bottle of pepper spray, and Moria got out an S&M whip. As soon as Moria pulled out the S&M whip, everyone else sweatdropped.

"Uhh... I'm holding this for a friend," Moria lied. "Oh, and, Perona, please use the child-sized mace."

Perona pouted as she set her mace down and picked up a plastic, hot-pink and white-colored mace that said "Princess" on the handle in sparkly writing and had kitten stickers decorating the spikes.

"This mace isn't cute! The one Mihawk gave me is cuter!" Perona cried.

"It's pink. What did you expect?" Ashley said under her breath.

"What did you say?!" Perona asked. Mihawk sighed.

"Can we just get through this night without ending up in jail or on Jerry Springer?" Mihawk asked.

"How can we? It's the Sarutobi family and they all hate each other," Ashley asked as they entered the conference room where the reunion would take place. Inside, Saint Sarutobi I was asleep on the table, Saint Sarutobi II and his wife were doing tequila shots, Heathcliffe, Holden, Soren, Aki, Teru, and Hana sat at their own table ignoring everyone else (and Hana was reading Sherlock yaoi), Locke, Aurelia, Mason, Aleksandar, Pearl, and Lien were at their own table playing a game on Locke's laptop, Aria was pacing the room, Alistair, Hugh, Dane, Patrick, and Thorn were setting up their instruments on the stage, and Meggie was on her cell phone.

"Asa, Siobhan, Briony, get me out of here. I am not going to spend the night with Thorn, let alone at a family reunion with crazy people," Meggie said into her phone. Moria cleared his throat. "Hold on a second."

Meggie lowered her phone.

"I'm on the phone right now! We can talk later!"

Meggie put her phone back up to her ear.

"What was that? Oh, some goth ginger with horns came into the room," Meggie said into her phone. Moria ignored the girl with reddish-pink hair and cleared his throat a second time.

"Welcome, Sarutobis, to the Sarutobi Family Reunion!" Moria announced. Everyone grew silent, except for Meggie, who was still talking on her cell phone.

"We're actually waiting on one more person," Mrs. Sarutobi said, her voice sounding kind of slurred.

"I don't give a throat lozenge," Moria answered bluntly. Then, Isabella burst into the room, wearing badass sunglasses and carrying a drink from Starbucks.

"What up, peasants?" Isabella asked as she floated into the room. Everyone grew silent.

"How can you drink that? You're a ghost," Locke asked.

"OMG! You know my name, not my story!" Isabella yelled. Saint Sarutobi I then woke up.

"What?! What did my in-law say?!" Saint Sarutobi I yelled.

"Oi, old man, turn your bloody hearing aid up!" Patrick yelled from across the room. Saint Sarutobi nodded and turned the volume on his hearing aid up.

"_I can hear clearly now, I hate these people!_" Saint Sarutobi I yelled.

"I hate you too, grandpa," Heathcliffe said with a nod of his head.

"Heathcliffe Sarutobi, you'd better have more respect for your grandpa. He's turning seventy-something tomorrow," Saint Sarutobi II scolded, slurring his words a bit.

"How old?!" Saint Sarutobi I yelled. Everyone else facepalmed.

"Anyway... Dinner is now being served in the confrence room across the hall," Mihawk explained.

* * *

><p>Two minutes later, the Sarutobis were sitting down to a meal of Domino's Pizza, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Taco Bell.<p>

"The fuck is this crap?!" Saint Sarutobi I yelled. Moria nervously turned to his co-workers.

"I hope we're getting paid," Ashley said.

"You are getting paid for this. Except, I get paid in porn and you get paid in cold, hard cash," Moria explained. Kuma said nothing as he walked over to the table the Sarutobis were sitting at.

"I would like for us to start this dinner with a prayer," Kuma suggested. "Because I wish you would all get along."

"I would like to do it," Soren said. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead," Locke said. Soren cleared his throat.

"Dear Eichiiro Oda, or as our brothers on 4chan call you, "Oda-sensei", we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family - My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking children from the future - Locke and Aurelia, or 'that blonde ditz' as mom and dad call her. And, of course my red-hot smoking wife, Teru, who is a stone-cold fox - Who, if you were to rate her ass on a hundred, it would easily be a 94. Also wanna thank you for my brothers, Heathcliffe and Holden, who have my back no matter what," Soren said. Aurelia then climbed up onto the table and rushed toward Saint Sarutobi II.

"Misandry!" Aurelia yelled as she jumped off of the table while punching Saint Sarutobi II in the face. Mason, Alekandar, and Lien cheered as Locke took out his camera and took a picture of the scene.

"This is so going on Facebook..." Locke said to himself as he posted the picture. A few seconds later, his phone made a "ding" noise. "Wow... Miller and Edmund already Liked and commented on this."

Meggie pulled out her phone.

"Hey, Locke, I Like your Facebook post!" Meggie shouted. Saint Sarutobi I & II and Mrs. Sarutobi got up.

"We'll skip dinner," Mrs. Sarutobi said stiffly. "Heathcliffe, Holden, Soren, come along. Leave behind Pinkie Pie, the nerd who was reading gay porn of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman, and the Chinese girl in the skanky dress with the slits up the sides."

Aki got up from her seat, removed her high-heels, and bitch-slapped Mrs. Sarutobi with her heels.

"Aki, what are you doing?! Aki, stahp!" Heathcliffe cried.

"You bitch! I'm saving myself for Sarutobi-kun for my wedding night!" Aki yelled before she tackled Mrs. Sarutobi to the ground.

"I'll rip your hair out!" Mrs. Sarutobi yelled as she clawed at Aki.

"Rip my hair out, and I'll...I'll... Break your pelvis. Yeah," Aki threatened as she pinned Mrs. Sarutobi to the ground.

"Boring," Isabella said in the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch. Mihawk ran up to Mrs. Sarutobi and Aki.

"Stop fighting, now!" Mihawk yelled as he pulled Mrs. Sarutobi off of Aki while Heathcliffe pulled Aki off of Mrs. Sarutobi. "This is a family reunion, not the Hunger Games."

Aki said nothing as she picked her high heels up.

"I'm going to go freshen up a bit. I will rejoin you shortly," Aki said before she and Heathcliffe walked away.

"Linton Channing Pettyfer Magic Mike Sarutobi III -" Saint Sarutobi II yelled before his wife cut him off.

"We didn't name our son after a male stripper!" Mrs. Sarutobi yelled/slurred before taking a drink from a bottle of vodka.

"Heathcliffe, you'd better not be having sex with that commoner!" Saint Sarutobi II yelled. Kuma, Mihawk, Ashley, Perona, and Moria facepalmed.

"Jesus, take the wheel," Kuma said under his breath.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the other Libras were watching the livestream of the family reunion from Locke's Facebook page.<p>

"This is the best thing on Facebook! Much better than watching relationship drama between stuck-up girls and their deadbeat boyfriends!" Miller yelled, holding back laughter.

"Somebody, make some popcorn. We need to download the entire stream, edit it, and submit it to the Cannes Film Festival review board," Kazura ordered.

* * *

><p>Back at the family reunion...<p>

"This reunion sucks! I'm working with Ashley, and everyone's trying to kill each other!" Perona cried.

"Of course, everyone's trying to kill each other. It's the fucking Sarutobi clan," Ashley replied sarcastically as Heathcliffe approached them.

"Where are Soren and Teru? I leave with Aki for ten minutes so she could freshen up after the fight with my mom and I could get some Oreos, and they're gone," Heathcliffe asked. Soren and Teru then entered the room, with Teru only wearing a bedsheet wrapped around her and Soren only wearing a pair of skinny jeans.

"You whore!" Saint Sarutobi II yelled to his eldest son.

"What?! Do you want some more peach cobbler?!" Saint Sarutobi I yelled as he dumped a peach cobbler at Pearl and Lien's feet.

"Grandpa - I mean, Great-Grandpa -, chillax. I understand that you're elderly," Lien explained as he patted Saint Sarutobi I's shoulder.

"Your mom is not a Snorlax, Linton!" The elderly Sarutobi yelled. Lien turned to Pearl.

"Is his hearing aid off?" Pearl asked. Saint Sarutobi I then brandished his walker.

"Look here, sonny boy. I have been alive for upwards of seventy-something years, and I never -" Saint Sarutobi I explained before he clutched his chest in pain. "HNNNNG!"

Saint Sarutobi I fell to the ground. Immideately, Perona and Ashley, who were dressed as Whitebeard's nurses, ran up to him.

"I am going to cut the bitch who made me wear this..." Ashley said to herself as Perona began doing CPR on Saint Sarutobi I.

"Ashley, be quiet. I'm giving CPR to an old guy, and this isn't cute," Perona said bluntly as she got out a defibulator and rubbed the paddles together. "Clear."

Perona put the paddles of the defibrulator to Saint Sarutobi I's chest, causing him to wake up.

"Nargles!" Saint Sarutobi I yelled. Locke then Prancercized over to the scene.

"Good job, goth girl. I knew we could count on you," Locke said as he patted Perona on the back.

"Hey! Don't touch - Oh, my [tuna salad]. You are actually cute," Perona commented. "Want to join me? We can raise the dead together."

Locke sweatdropped.

"I'm twenty. How old are you?" Locke asked. Perona then blew a whistle.

"Pedophile!" Perona yelled before she kicked Locke in the balls.

"Somebody call hotel security!" Locke yelled as he clutched his injured manhood.

"Bitch, I am hotel security," Moria said as he flipped his hair in a fabulous manner. Locke then crawled over to Moria and punched him in the balls. "Ow! Okay, okay! It's every man, woman, child, ghost, elderly man, and Pacifista for himself!"

Then, everyone but Mihawk, Ashley, and Kuma began to fight. Mihawk calmly got up from the chair he was sitting on.

"Where are you going?" Ashley asked.

"Going home. Why should I be here?" Mihawk asked before he left. Ashley facepalmed as Kuma pulled out his Bible and began reading from it.

"In teh dayz when tehre wuz teh doods who saided "No can has cheezburgers!", therez no cheezbrgrz and the hongreh kittehs had nuffin to eated. So a dood from Beetleham (in J00da) wif a wifey 'n too boy kittehs, dem goez to Moab 'n stuffs..." Kuma read from his Bible as the Sarutobis, Moria, and Perona fought each other. Ashley facepalmed.

"If Moria doesn't give me a raise after this, I will send him to sex rehab..." Ashley said to herself as she nonchalantly ducked to avoid Hugh's keyboard, which Mason threw across the room. Then, Mason climbed onto the stage.

"STAHP!" Mason screamed. Everyone stopped fighting and turned to the eyeliner-wearing Sarutobi. Mason then made some noises that sounded like they were from the opening song in _The Lion King_. "_Sail away where no ball and chain can keep us from the roarin' waves! Together undivided, but forever we'll be free! So, sail away aboard our rig, the moon is full and so are we! We're seven, drunken pirates, we're the seven, deadly sins!_"

Then, everyone began freak-dancing to the Flogging Molly song _The Seven Deadly Sins_. Except for Kuma, who was still reading from his Bible.

"...Everbuddeh crydeding, srsly. Orpah kissez Naomi 'n goes home liek a gud lil kitteh. But Ruthie, her stay wif Naomi liek staticky plastick baggie. 'Um, k, Ruthie"(Naomi talkdeding)"yur sistur wented home to her fambly 'n stuffs. Go wif teh flowz!' Ruthie sez "Noes, do not want goes; 'n yu can't maek meh. Ai follohs yu an sleeps nexta yu. An Yur kittehs r mai kittehs an yur Ceiling Cat mien tew kthx..." Kuma read from his Bible.

"_Sail away where no ball and chain can keep us from the roarin' waves! Together undivided, but forever we'll be free! So, sail away aboard our rig, the moon is full and so are we! We're seven, drunken pirates, we're the seven, deadly sins_!" Saint Sarutobi I&II, Heathcliffe, Holden, Soren, Lien, Aleksandar, Mason, Locke, Hugh, Dane, Patrick, Alistair, Thorn, and Moria sang. Then, police sirens drowned out the music.

"Hey! Who the fuck is interrupting us when Flogging Molly is playing?!" Ashley yelled. Smoker and Tashigi then entered the room on police motorcycles.

"Is this the Sarutobi family reunion?" Smoker asked everyone.

"Huh?! What?! Oh, dagnabbit!" Saint Sarutobi I yelled.

"We have an arrest warrant for everyone involved with this reunion, including the event orgainizers," Tashigi announced.

"What the fuck?! I'm not a Sarutobi!" Moria yelled.

"What did we do? I know my wife and I have been drinking, but -" Saint Sarutobi II asked before Smoker cut him off.

"We have arrest warrants for noise pollution and public intoxication. As I take the time to handcuff each and every single person in this room, Tashigi will read you your Miranda Rights and give you discounts to some local restaurants, shops, and casinos we like that are nearby," Smoker explained. Isabella rolled her eyes.

"OMG! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!" Isabella yelled as Smoker put handcuffs on her. But, they fell off, because Isabella was a ghost.

"Goddamnit," Smoker cursed. Isabella rolled her eyes.

"I'm blowing this Tupperware party. YOLO," Isabella said before she floated out of the room.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>By and large, the middle names are jokes that I use in this fic. Here's explanations for each of them:

**Linton Channing Pettyfer Magic Mike Sarutobi - **Read the chapter _The Mole _for explanation on this one.

**Catherine Taylor Courtney Stodden neé Sarutobi - **Originally, Mrs. Sarutobi was supposed to act like a trophy wife during this oneshot (like Courtney Stodden), but it didn't happen.

**Aleksandar I've-Got-a-Gary-Stu-Spelling-of-the-Name-'Alexande r' Sarutobi - **The spelling of his name may seem Gary Stu-ish, but it actually isn't. The main character of the _Leviathan _trilogy spells his name as "Aleksandar" (or "Alek" for short).

**Mason Blackheart Lingerie Sarutobi - **A joke between **The Awesome Novice Writer **and I. We both have OCs named "Mason" - His is a brutal sadist OC for _The Hunger Games _who brutally tortures his fellow Tributes, while mine is a war refugee/pirate/budding punk-hipster for One Piece who is more of a nice guy. Since the full name of his OC is 'Mason Blackheart', it didn't take me that long to point out that Blackheart is a lingerie line at Hot Topic. To read about Mason Blackheart, read the _Torture _chapter of the Hunger Games fanfic, but I do have to warn you - The _Torture _chapter is very, very disturbing, and you WILL be haunted by the things you read about.

**Thorn McDouche Hipster Sarutobi - **He is Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren's nephew, and a cousin to Aleksandar and Mason. He's a hipster, but he also hits on girls, hence the name "McDouche Hipster".

**Review if you want to see the family reunions for the Abingdon family, the Miyafuji family, or even the Monkey/Portgas/Dadan family!**


	92. The Apocalypse

**Author's Note: **_I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones. Enough to make my systems blow. Welcome to the new age, to the new age_ - Oh, sorry, that was obviously in before "Yuki-Rin, you should totes play _Radioactive _this chapter, because this chapter is about the apocalypse".

**Disclaimer: No, the apocalypse doesn't happen. I also don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a clear evening on the Thousand Sunny, as Luffy and Usopp ate peanuts and played with Robin's telescope.<p>

"Usopp, what's this?" Luffy asked as he looked through the telescope.

"What's a this?" Usopp asked. Luffy moved away from the telescope so Usopp could take a look. When Usopp looked into the telescope, he saw a cloud in the shape of a skull and crossbones. "Luffy... Were you smoking Sanji's cigarettes?"

"No. It's a cloud," Luffy answered. Usopp grew pale.

"THAT'S a cloud?" Usopp asked. "What does it mean?"

"Usopp, does this mean... We're all going to die?" Luffy asked.

"Well, that's what the skull and crossbones USUALLY means. That, or, skywriters finally perfected the technology to write in the sky at night," Usopp explained. Luffy screamed.

"It's the apocalypse! We're all going to die!" Luffy shouted. A few moments later, Smoker boarded the Thousand Sunny.

"We've just recieved several reports of loud noises, and I assume they're coming from here," Smoker explained.

"Don't arrest us, man! Ain't nobody got time for that! It's the apocalypse!" Usopp yelled. Smoker's eyes widened to the size of an anime schoolgirl's eyes.

"Get my gun and my smokes. We have to warn everyone," Smoker demanded.

* * *

><p>After buying many supplies, Usopp, Luffy, and Smoker arrived at the Cartago.<p>

"Who owns this ship?" Smoker asked.

"The Aries Pirates," Usopp answered.

"Oh, you mean that pirate crew from Canada?" Smoker asked.

"They're from Canada?" Usopp asked as the three boarded the ship. Usopp took a deep breath. "It's the apocalypse! Go to your zombie hideout shelter in the forests of Canada!"

A few minutes later, both the Aries and the Geminis came out, clutching their weapons.

"Make it quick. We have a curling match we need to finish," Terrance explained. Smoker snapped his fingers.

"A-ha! You ARE from Canada! You play curling!" Smoker yelled.

"I'm not from Canada!" Linus yelled.

"Do you like pancakes?" Luffy asked.

"Who doesn't?" Linus asked.

"Do you poop?" Luffy asked. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Yeah. Who doesn't?" Linus asked.

"Then, you are from Canada!" Luffy said.

"I'm not an Aries Pirate," Linus pointed out. Before Luffy could say anything else, Smoker cut him off.

"Look, you have to leave your ship and come with us. Apparently, the apocalypse is going to happen any minute now and, if we dawdle... I hope you think brains taste like chicken," Smoker explained. The Aries and Geminis sweatdropped.

"At least I've been training for this my whole life," Deuce said as he got his steampunk rifle out. "Steampunk AU, here we come."

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Luffy, Usopp, Smoker, the Arieses, and the Geminis were approaching another ship.<p>

"Who are we going to get next?" Luffy asked.

"The Libra Pirates. This is their ship," Smoker explained. "Stay right here. If somebody leaves, scream until daddy comes."

Smoker then boarded the Coachella. A few moments later, Smoker re-joined the group, looking dejected.

"They didn't believe me. They laughed at me for saying the apocalypse was going to happen," Smoker said sadly.

"Well, half of the crew is made up of war refugees from the future," Greta argued.

"Greta, ALL of the crew is from the future. Get your shit together," Smoker explained seriously. Usopp raised his hand. "No, Long-Nose, I don't have any bathroom tokens for you."

"If it isn't any trouble, I'd like to talk to them. It could be the last time we see our favorite hipsters," Usopp explained.

"Go ahead, BUT don't ask them for bathroom tokens," Smoker explained. Usopp then boarded the Coachella, where all of the Libras were laughing.

"Hey, guys... I came to say good-bye," Usopp said. All of the Libras stopped laughing.

"Leaving the island so soon? You just got here this morning," Yukari asked. Usopp sighed.

"No... The world as we know it is going to end soon. If you like, you can come with us. Miller would make a good, post-apocalyptic lumberjack. He could cut down tress to give us food, fuel, and shelter. As an artist, Stella-Rondo could document what happened before the apocalypse. The Abingdons could save pre-apocalypse books. Fernando can be our chef, since I have no idea where the [Mudkip] Sanji went. The rest of you... Could do stuff," Usopp explained. Kazura began laughing.

"I guess we could come with you," Yukari said.

"One question - Are the Capricorns going to die?" Edmund asked.

"There's a chance," Usopp answered. Several Libras cheered.

"Alright! This is the best apocalypse ever!" Edmund yelled as he high-fived Rhett.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Luffy managed to get the Aquarius Pirates, Makino, Maeve, and Chopper on the apocalypse crew, while Smoker got Hina, Tashigi, Shanks, Yasopp, Monet, the Shichibukai, and the Supernovas.<p>

"Our crew is looking good," Usopp commented. "Looks like we have a fighting chance at surviving zombies, plagues, natural disasters, and the Hunger Games."

Chopper screamed.

"We're all going to die!" Chopper yelled.

"OMG, Chopper, check yourself before you wreck yourself! We are going to live!" Shanks yelled. Before anything else could be said, Luffy cut everyone off.

"Party on my ship! We're docked at the large, empty field!" Luffy yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"That is NOT an excuse to throw a party! There's a chance that we're all going to die!" Edmund yelled. Beal just put on a gas mask.

"Are you my mummy?" Beal asked everyone. The "apocalypse party" sweatdropped while the members of the apocalypse party who watched Doctor Who screamed.

"Aoi, I pity you for not getting that reference. Don't worry, Jodie, as long as the voices in my head live, I live. Please, Bullet, let me enjoy one last liter of orange soda. Leon, ain't nobody got time for reviewing French vocabulary when the world is going to end. No, Cube, The World Ends With You doesn't end with me," Maeve said.

"**Fact: Billie Piper, the actress who plays Rose Tyler on Doctor Who, wrote a song for the first Pokémon movie**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later, Zoro, Nami, Sanji, Franky, and Brook returned to the Sunny.<p>

"Marimo, it's because of you, that we got kicked out of Target!" Sanji yelled as he set his shopping bag down.

"It's not my fault that I wanted to ALL 333 pranks that would get me kicked out of Wal-Mart!" Zoro yelled. Then, loud music filled the Thousand Sunny. "What in the name of Steven Moffat?! Call the police!"

The Straw Hats walked outside, where Luffy's apocalypse party was in full swing. Even the Capricorns, all of CP9, Vivi, Ace, Sabo, Perona, Kaya, and A.A.A. joined in on the fun.

"_I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones  
>Enough to make my systems blow<br>Welcome to the new age, to the new age  
>Welcome to the new age, to the new age<br>Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive  
>Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive<em>." A chorus consisting of Teru, Linus, Beal, Kazuma, Sabo, Enlai, Miller, Usopp, Smoker, Law, Monet, X. Drake, Llewellyn, Jack, Yasopp, Holden, Mason, Spandam, Rhett, Daisuke, Maeve, Asa, Meggie, Donovan, Aomame, Cosmo, A.A.A., and Wolfgang sang as they held hands.

"What the HELL is going on here?!" Sanji yelled. The music stopped.

"Ooh! Sanji said a bad word!" Maeve yelled. Sanji facepalmed.

"Hi, guys! We're throwing a party because it's the apocalypse!" Luffy yelled. Sanji sighed.

"Luffy, break this party up. It's NOT the apocalypse," Sanji requested.

"Is too!" Luffy argued.

"Is not!" Sanji argued back.

"Is too!" Maeve argued. Sanji sighed.

"Luffy and I saw the cloud in the shape of a skull and crossbones. That's a danerous omen," Usopp explained. Everyone grew silent, save for Kazura, who was STILL laughing over claims that the apocalypse was going to happen.

"Usopp, have you slipped all of these people drugs? They all think it's the apocalypse!" Sanji cried.

"Don't worry, it's not the apocalypse!" Kazura said in-between laughs.

"Yeah, I believe you," Sanji said to Kazura before he turned back to Usopp. "Look what you have caused, Usopp!"

"I didn't cause anything! The apocalypse just happens, like Nami's sudden cravings for chocolate every month!" Usopp yelled.

"TMI, bro! Nobody wants to hear about that stuff!" Gareth yelled. "Especially if we're all going to die soon."

Everyone screamed.

"Teru, Yuki-Rin, Aomame, Greta, Meggie, Nami, Vivi, Kaya, in my harem NOW! I am NOT dying like this!" Linus yelled. Somebody then threw a shoe a Linus' head. "Ow! My Migglesworth!"

"**Fact: Monkey D. Luffy was the winner of the first Hunger Games**," Cube said.

"That's not a real fact!" Everyone yelled.

"That's because Cube is malfunctioning. He knows his time is up," Maeve explained darkly. Everyone screamed.

"We ARE going to die! Maybe I should've listened to Luffy!" Sanji cried. Enlai hugged Wolfgang.

"I love you, man! I don't know what I would've done without you!" Enlai sobbed. Kazura sighed.

"Capricorns, I really can't believe I'm saying this, but... I am going to actually miss you. Without you guys, I would not be the hipster I am today," Kazura explained.

"We forgive you, son. In fact, I'm sorry for all the times I've tried to make you into a manly samurai," Kazuma said to his son from the future.

"And I'm sorry that I rebelled against you," Kazura said as he hugged his father.

"What's going on here? Why are the Libras and Capricorns suddenly getting along? Why is there a party going on?"

Robin approached the group, suitcases in hand.

"Oh, Robin, it's terrible! The apocalypse is going to start at any moment now!" Teru cried.

"The apocalypse? I leave for a day to visit my mother, and this is what happens?" Robin asked.

"It's true, Robin! We saw the skull and crossbones-shaped cloud through your telescope!" Usopp yelled. Robin sighed.

"Luffy, Usopp, come with me," Robin said. A few minutes later, Usopp, Robin, and Luffy returned.

"What's going on? Are we going to die?" Maeve asked. Robin smiled and held up a peanut shell in the shape of a skull and crossbones.

"There was no skull and crossbones-shaped cloud. It was just a peanut shell," Robin explained as she crushed the peanut shell up.

"And, that means?" Franky asked.

"There is no apocalypse. We're all going to live," Robin said. Everyone cheered.

"Hallelujah! We're back in action, bitches!" Maeve yelled.

"**Fact: Gasoline was once used as a cure for head lice**," Cube said.

"Cube's working properly again! Everything's back to normal!" Maeve yelled. Enlai looked to Wolfgang and pushed him to the ground.

"Why the hell did I just hug you?!" Enlai yelled.

"Since when were you gay for me, Baka Enlai?!" Wolfgang yelled as he got up and slapped Enlai across the face. Kazura saw what was going on and pushed Kazuma off of him.

"I can't believe I just hugged you in front of all of those people! Thanks for embarassing me, dad!" Kazura yelled before he re-joined the Libras. "We're getting off of this island as soon as we can."

Edmund turned to the Capricorns.

"We're leaving, Capricorn Peasants. Don't wait up," Edmund said before the Libras left. Everyone else then left, leaving the Straw Hats.

"Welp, all's well that ends well," Usopp commented.

"Hehe. Enlai's gay for Wolfgang," Luffy giggled.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: We've got about eight chapters left until the 100th chapter, so review and vote in the polls regarding this fic!<strong>


	93. Another Chapter Set in the 1920's

**Author's Note: **I have not done a 1920's AU chapter since Christmas time, and it was for **The DysFUNctional Christmas**. About damn time for a 1920's AU.

Anyway, we are at stage three voting for this fic's 100th chapter! Vote for any chapter from chapters 21 - 30 to win!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day in New York, circa 192x, as Yasopp prepared to go to work.<p>

"Son, you know that I leave for my business trip to Atlantic City this afternoon," Yasopp said.

"Are you going to make illegal booze, sell crystal meth, make counterfeit wallets, beat up your boss' boss, and throw a mad rave?" Usopp asked.

"Like I always do, son," Yasopp answered. "Now, while I'm gone, do not make illegal booze, no getting a hold on crystal meth and selling it, don't make counterfeit wallets, don't beat up your boss' boss, and please don't throw any raves. I don't want you to grow up to be like me."

Usopp sweatdropped.

"Really, dad?" Usopp asked. Yasopp put a hand on his son's shoulder.

"Don't do drugs, son. They're the reason why I hold regular raves at the office," Yasopp said. "Anyway, I have to go now. I'll see you on Monday."

Yasopp then left the house.

"Did he say anything about going on adventures with Luffy and/or Holden?" Usopp asked himself. Two hours later, Luffy and/or Holden STILL didn't come over or call. "They're still not here? Damn, I need to make new friends. Way to go, Luffy and Holden."

Somebody then knocked on the door. Usopp answered it to Luffy.

"Of course..." Usopp said.

"Usopp, Holden's gone!" Luffy yelled.

"Gone?! Did the mafia kill him?! Is he at the movies?! Is he eating donuts with Tashigi?!" Usopp cried.

"That's it! He's eating donuts!" Luffy yelled. "To the donut shop!"

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Usopp and Luffy arrived at the donut shop.<p>

"Tashigi, are you on the trolley about the whereabouts of Holden Sarutobi?" Usopp asked Tashigi.

"How the fuck should I know?" Tashigi asked with a scoff. "I AM the Walter White of donut shops!"

Usopp and Luffy sweatdropped.

"Has Holden been here recently?" Usopp asked.

"Just three nights ago. He was with a hot broad," Tashigi explained. "If it's any trouble, please go to Holden's mansion and finger his broad for me. Okay, bird?"

Usopp's jaw dropped.

"Woah, woah, woah! Tashigi, keep this PG-15! I think there are five-year olds in here!" Usopp yelled. Tashigi's face turned red.

"W-What?! I didn't mean THAT! What I meant to say was 'Go to Holden's mansion and identify his girlfriend'!" Tashigi cried. "Damn, 1920's slang is so sexual!" (1)

"I know, right?" Usopp said in agreement. Then, Llewellyn O'Dair, a young paper boy, came in with the morning paper.

"Extra, extra! Gangster Holden Sarutobi elopes to Atlantic City to marry some lass!" Llewellyn announced. Usopp walked over to Llewellyn and touched his face.

"Thank you, random, Irish kid. How can I ever repay you?" Usopp asked. Llewellyn grabbed Usopp's wrist and threw it down as he pimp-slapped Usopp with his free hand.

"By gettin' your bloody hands off of me, you feckin' pedophile! I will see you in court with me attorney!" Llewellyn yelled before he stomped on Usopp's foot and walked out of the donut shop. Everyone in the shop sweatdropped.

"Tashigi, can we have three boxes of assorted donuts to go? We're gonna be out of town," Usopp asked. Tashigi sighed.

"Time to make the donuts," Tashigi said as she put on some rubber gloves in a badass manner.

* * *

><p>An hour later, Luffy and Usopp were on a train that was going from New York to Atlantic City.<p>

"Usopp, what did Tashigi mean when she told us to go to Holden's mansion and finger his girlfriend?" Luffy asked. Usopp grew pale and sighed.

"You see, Luffy, when a man loves a woman..." Usopp explained before he grew pale. "On second thought, never mind. I saw families board this train."

The two grew silent.

"_And, as the world comes to an end, I'll be here to hold your hand. 'Cause you're my king and I'm a lionheart_!" Luffy sang. Usopp sweatdropped.

"This chapter is so sexual..." Usopp said under his breath.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, Usopp and Luffy arrived at the Embassy Suites in Atlantic City.<p>

"What?! We were just outside!" Usopp cried as they entered the tropical atrium-themed lobby.

"We were outside?" Luffy asked. Doflamingo approached them.

"How long were you under the illusion that you actually went inside?" Doflamingo asked before he walked away. Usopp and Luffy sweatdropped as Doflamingo walked back inside. "Do you accept anime!Stannis Baratheon as your Lord and Savior?"

Usopp and Luffy sweatdropped again.

"No, thank you. We don't need a timeshare, Mr. Anime Stannis Baratheon," Usopp answered. Doflamingo backed up, and ran up to Usopp.

"_Because we find ourselves in the same old mess singing drunken lullabies_," Doflamingo whispered/sung to Usopp, who jumped back and pimp-slapped Doflamingo.

"Ow! My virginal ears!" Usopp yelled. Doflamingo shrugged.

"Trolololololololo!" Doflamingo sang as he skipped out of the hotel. Usopp and Luffy sweatdropped.

"Can we leave Atlantic City now? I'm bored," Luffy asked.

"Not until we get Holden and Hana back," Usopp explained.

"How do you know Holden's fingering -" Luffy asked before Usopp cut him off.

"Luffy, for the absolute last time, 'TO FINGER' WAS 1920's SLANG FOR 'TO IDENTIFY'! It does NOT mean 'To [Bleep] your [Bleep] into your girlfriend's [Bleep] and [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] with her'!" Usopp yelled. Many people in the lobby gasped.

"Son, I am disappoint."

Yasopp, Holden (who was, as always, wearing a sexy ganster suit), and Hana stepped out of a nearby room. The three of them wore Venetian blind sunglasses, candy necklaces, glow sticks, and Ring Pops.

"Rave? I didn't need to ask," Usopp said sarcastically.

"Tsk, tsk, Usopp. You sneak out of the house with Luffy and say some... Pretty things. I'm more disappointed in the latter, as there is a child beauty pageant going on as I speak," Yasopp explained.

"At least I didn't make illegal booze, sell crystal meth, make counterfeit wallets, beat up your boss' boss, and throw a mad rave at your office," Usopp retorted. Yasopp grew pale.

"Anyway... Holden, Hana, congradulations on your marriage," Usopp said.

"We didn't get married! Holden made that up so we could go to Yasopp's rave!" Hana yelled.

"Usopp, Luffy, why are you here?" Holden asked.

"We thought you and Hana were going to fin -" Luffy said before Usopp cut him off.

"Is that the Bacon Food Truck I hear driving by?!" Usopp asked everyone.

"Bacon?! Where?!" Luffy yelled as he ran out of the hotel. Usopp turned back to his dad, the sexy gangster, and the flapper.

"Anyway, we thought you and Hana actually elope, so Luffy and I boarded the first train to Atlantic City to see the wedding, you know? Eat some cake, dance the Harlem Shake, subtley suggest that you two get a divorce ASAP, that stuff," Usopp explained.

"You didn't have to do that, really. I called you. Maybe," Holden said.

"You... Called me, MAYBE? As in, like, Carly Rae Jepsen?" Usopp asked as he rummaged around his pockets for his cell phone.

"Is that your nose tucked into the pocket of your overalls, or are you happy to see me?" Holden asked. Usopp blushed.

"All this sexual stuff can stop..." Usopp said.

* * *

><p>That evening, Luffy, Usopp, Yasopp, Hana, and Holden decided to stop at Denny's to get something to eat before they made the trek back to New York. Doflamingo, Llewellyn, and Tashigi even joined them.<p>

"Swiggity swaggity, we're at Denny's!" Yasopp said. Usopp got out his cell phone.

"Who wants to take Denny's selfies?!" Usopp asked. Holden made the peace sign with his hands and made a duck face.

"We're on it!" Holden yelled as Hana wrapped her arm around Holden. With her other arm, she did the peace sign.

"Okay, say 'YOLO'," Usopp said as Yasopp, Luffy, Doflamingo, Tashigi, and Llewellyn crammed into the picture.

"Bacon!"

"Anime!Stannis Baratheon!"

"Usopp, if I find this on Facebook, I WILL report you to the cops as a registered sex offender!"

"Time to make the donuts!"

"We got not-married!"

"Yaoi - I mean, I love you, Holden!"

"Illegal booze, crystal meth, counterfeit wallets, beating up my boss' boss, and office raves!"

Usopp then snapped the picture.

"This is going on Instagram," Usopp said quietly, not wanting Llewellyn to call the police on him.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Yes, "To finger" is seriously 1920's slang for "To identify". All of you, get your minds out of the gutter.

**Seven chapters left until chapter 100. Review if you want to see the wonderful, 100th chapter.**


	94. A Merry Hipster Christmas in July

**Author's Note: **Well, here's the obligatory Christmas in July chapter, even though it's still June for about four more hours where I live.

Also, two announcements need to be made:

**1. **Stage four voting for this fic's 100th chapter has begun. So far, I have not received any votes. So, after you read this chapter, please go to my profile and vote. It will only take you five seconds.

**2. **There is a good chance that I will be gone for much of the day on Saturday. Why?

I'm going to Disneyland - I mean, Anime Expo!

So, yeah, Anime Expo should be fun. I'll be going with a Homestuck group this year, even though I'll try to be fem!Sanji from One Piece or Himeko from SKET Dance for half of the time.

**Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own One Piece. Or the songs used, as the people who work on SpongeBob Squarepants own them. Oh, and Ashley belongs to A.G. Moria.**

* * *

><p>It was Christmas Eve at some fancy hotel, and Mason Sarutobi, his brother, and his four cousins were bored. Although they were at the Sarutobi family reunion, which was interesting to begin with, the six were bored out of their minds.<p>

"Are you enjoying your reunion?" One of the event coordinators - whose nametag read "Hello, my name is Ashley. Please do not ask me if I can comp your breakfast" - asked the Sarutobis.

"I'm bored! I don't care that my uncles are fighting with my grandparents like it's Jerry Springer! Get me out of here!" Mason cried.

"Yeah! Take us to Krispy Kreme!" Lien said in agreement. Mason then awoke in his room on the Coachella. Unfortunately, it was July and not Christmas. Mason said nothing as he walked over to the nearest window and opened it.

"Spring Island, Y U NO be Christmas?!" Mason yelled to the island they were docked at.

* * *

><p>That morning, at breakfast...<p>

"So... What's the haps, guys?" Mason asked everyone.

"You're oddly happy today. Usually, you're passed out on top of a stack of pancakes," Kazura pointed out. Mason smiled.

"I found an obscure holiday we can celebrate!" Mason announced. At the mention of "obscure holiday", everyone perked up.

"What is it?!" Everyone asked.

"Christmas in July. Christmas in December is too mainstream," Mason announced. Everyone cheered.

"But, of course! I bet Christmas in July will top Christmas in December!" Yukari said.

"I hope this gets us out of doing this year's batch of chapters for **The DysFUNctional Christmas**. I'm sick of doing crack during the holidays, I'm sick of the obligatory reference to _Inception _in every chapter, and, most of all, I am so sick of the Capricorns ruining Christmas!" Edmund said. "With Christmas in July, the Capricorns have NO Christmas to ruin! Mason Blackheart Lingerie Sarutobi, you are a genius!"

"Perfect! After breakfast, we'll decorate!" Yukari said.

"Do we have to put out the hipster Santa that wears the Aviators and holds a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon?" Fernando asked.

"Yes, because that decoration is obligatory," Edmund answered sternly.

* * *

><p>After breakfast was finished and the dishes were washed, the Libras started to decorate the Coachella.<p>

"_It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday,  
>Not your normal, average everyday<em>," Miller sang as he chopped down a Christmas tree in somebody's yard. As soon as the tree fell, Mihawk ran outside, carrying a golf club.

"_Sounds like someone felled my old Christmas tree.  
>Oi, hipsters, why did you do this to me?!<em>" Mihawk sang as Fernando and Angelica walked up to him and gave him two candy canes.

"_The world feels like it's in loverly_," Fernando and Angelica sang to Mihawk.

"_Go away before I harm you bodily_!" Mihawk sang/threatened as he waved his golf club around. Miller, Angelica, and Fernando grabbed the tree and ran off.

"_This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me_," Fernando, Angelica, and Miller sang. Back on the Coachella...

"_There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow_," Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey sang as they boarded the Coachella, carrying many gifts and food stuffs.

"_Hey, Kazura, who's that under the mistletoe?_" Yukari asked as she pointed to Meggie, who was boarding the Hyperion. Thorn was right behind her.

"_What? Who me? Would you look at the time! I should go_!" Meggie sang before she ran off, Thorn following her. Outside, Daruma, Marlene, and Alton were hanging up Christmas lights.

"_People seem a little more brotherly_," Alton sang as Sanji approached them, a long, censored item in his hands.

"_Here's a special something to you from me_," Sanji sang as he gave the censored object to Marlene. As soon as Sanji was gone, Marlene threw the present away in a nearby dumpster.

"_Even the trash on Christmas smells sweetly_," Daruma sang as he climbed down from the ladder.

"_This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me_!" Daruma, Marlene, and Alton sang. That evening, Yukari and Kazura decided to show the first person that walked by them their decorated ship.

"_What do you want, can't you see that I'm busy_?" A.A.A. sang/asked as Yukari and Kazura dragged her outside. Yukari and Kazura pointed to the Coachella, which was decorated for Christmas.

"_Step outside, we've got something for you to see_," Yukari and Kazura sang. A.A.A. rolled her eyes and walked away. As soon as A.A.A. left, Smoker, who was on a Segway, approached Yukari and Kazura.

"_Oi, hipsters, take this stuff down immediately_," Smoker sang as he Segway-ed by. The music then stopped as Smoker came back. "No, really, you have to take this stuff down. On this island, it's illegal to have Christmas decorations up in July."

"We're hipsters. We celebrate Christmas in July," Yukari explained. Smoker said nothing.

"Okay. Carry on," Smoker said before he Segway-ed away. On board the Coachella...

"_Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree_!" Aleksandar and Mason sang as they roasted chestnuts over the fire in the fireplace. Mason then picked up a chestnut, which burned his hand.

"Ow! Jesus!" Mason yelled. Aleksandar sighed.

"Alto... Help," Aleksandar yelled half-heartedly. After Mason got his hand taken care of, all of the Libras went outside to admire their decorated tree, which had the traditional Christmas lights and ornaments, but also hipster-like ornaments, such as ornamanents with birds on them or ornaments with hipster band logos on them.

"_Tonight, things are as good as they seem to be_," The Libras sang.

"_A star on top will complete all the scenery_," Teru sang as she put the star on top of the tree.

"_This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me  
>This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me<em>," The Libras sang. Then, they all grew silent.

"I still say that the Vampire Weekend ornament is the best one," Rhett said.

"I like the one with the hashtag on it," Yukari said.

"Hey! My Rainbow Dash and TARDIS ornaments are the best ones!" Jin-Mao cried.

"So, who wants to sing carols?" Teru asked.

"We're only singing _Holiday _by Vampire Weekend, and that's final," Edmund stated.

"Sure... We can do that," Kazura said. "Now, let's go spread some Christmas cheer."

The Libras then left the Coachella, singing Christmas carols in July.

"_Santa's coming tonight, tonight  
>Santa's coming tonight<br>Santa's coming tonight, tonight  
>Santa's coming tonight<em>," The Libras sang as they left the Coachella.

* * *

><p>On the Cartago, the Aries were setting up for a holiday they were going to celebrate the next day - Canada Day.<p>

"Canada Day is going to be so awesome! We're gonna eat poutine, listen to some Deadmau5, watch ALL the Hetalia episodes with Canada in them, and get drunk off of pancakes!" Terrance said. A knock on the ship was heard.

"I'll get it," Aomame said as she went onto the front deck, where the Libras were standing. "Can I help you?"

Edmund cleared his throat.

"_Holiday, oh, holiday  
>And the best one of the year<br>Dozin' off underneath my sheets  
>While I cover both my ears<em>

_But if I wait for a holiday_  
><em>Could it stop my fear?<em>  
><em>To go away on a summer's day<em>  
><em>Never seemed so clear<em>," The Libras sang. Aomame sweatdropped.

"I thought singing telegrams died with the Roaring Twenties..." Aomame commented.

"Oh, no. We're celebrating Christmas in July," Edmund explained.

"We're celebrating Canada Day tomorrow," Aomame said. "Hope you have a Merry Christmas in July."

Aomame then closed the door on them.

"Bravia, Cambria, Thousand Sunny, or Hyperion?" Kazura asked.

"If we do the Hyperion, we're buying eggs before hand," Edmund said.

"Speaking of the Hyperion," Mason said casually as he pointed to the Capricorns, who were singing to the Straw Hats.

"Why are they singing?" Edmund asked.

"Edmund, calm down. They probably discovered that they were in debt, and they needed the money. It was either panhandle on the docks, or prostitution," Jin-Mao explained.

"No, it's a hostage situation. I hope they get out okay," Mason said as they approached the Capricorns.

"..._Oh, no, you didn't. Didn't you? Oh, no! You didn't pay me what you owe me! So, now it's over for you!_" The Capricorns sang. The Libras sweatdropped.

"I remember this song. Dad and his crew sang it a lot when I was still in the womb," Locke said darkly as they approached the Capricorns.

"What are you doing?" Kazura asked. The Capricorns grew silent.

"Caroling. We're celebrating Christmas in July, like we do every year," Heathcliffe explained casually. Kazura bit his lower lip.

"FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -" Kazura yelled before Mason covered his mouth.

"Sssh... Sssh... Only mooncakes now..." Mason said re-assuringly to Kazura. Edmund grew pale.

"I - We... You stole our holiday! You ruined Christmas in July!" Edmund cried.

"We stole Christmas?" Daisuke asked.

"No. You stole Christmas in July. There's a difference," Locke pointed out. "Anyway, I hope you're happy that you ruined a great, hipster holiday. Go do some mainstream crap for your holiday."

"Christmas in July is OVER!" Miller yelled as the Libras walked away.

* * *

><p>When the Libras got back to the Coachella, the first thing they did was take down all of the Christmas decorations.<p>

"I can't believe Christmas in July is a mainstream holiday!" Miller cried as he threw the tree into the ocean.

"Looks like we need a new holiday..." Mason commented, watching the tree float. "Want to go to the Cartago tomorrow to celebrate Canada Day with the Aries?"

"I'd love to! Christmas in July is so five minutes ago!" Miller said.

And, so, the next day, the Libras and the Aries celebrated Canada Day, unaware that Canada Day is a mainstream holiday.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Six more chapters until the big 100. Review if you want to see it.<strong>


	95. The Rad Bromance Goes Hollywood

**Author's Note: **This would've been up a few days earlier, but blame it on the 100th chapter of this fic, Anime Expo, and some writer's block. Anime Expo was a blast. By far, the best booth at the con was the booth that was dedicated solely to One Piece merchandise. And Scuttlebutt Ink's booth, since they got my Portlandia references.

Enough of my rambles on Anime Expo, I have two things that need to be addressed:

1. I am working on the 100th chapter as we speak. From the looks of it, it most likely be as long, if not a bit longer or shorter, than the Second Anniversary Special. This is because it has to do with those polls that have been on my profile for the last three weeks or so.

2. We're closing in on that time of year - The time of year where I go on my summer vacation. I will be leaving on August 4th (which is bad for me, because the 4th is the last day of Lollapalooza, and I WILL miss Two Door Cinema Club's set on the livestream). However, this years' vacation is different - As my vacation will include a three-day stay in the Pacific Northwest to see relatives who moved away about six months ago, my vacation will not be 5-6 days. Instead, it will be 10 days, and I will be back on the 14th of August. As always, I will have my laptop, so I'm not completely cut off from the interwebs.

Anyway... We haven't done a Rad Bromance chapter in a while. Plus, a chapter where some characters get (possibly) famous and go to Hollywood hasn't been done yet.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. This chapter is also not an attack on the 13 - 18 million people who live in Los Angeles.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal afternoon in I Heart Gintama, Louisiana, as Nami brought in the mail.<p>

"Bill, bill, bill... Jury duty AGAIN?! I just did it yesterday!" Nami cried as she continued to flip through the mail. The letter at the bottom caught her eye. "For Daisuke Saburo?"

Nami walked inside the house.

"Daisuke, something ACTUALLY came in the mail for you! No, it is not a video game!" Nami yelled.

"Daisuke's out with - Well, you should know by now!" Showtarou yelled from upstairs.

"Okay..." Nami said like the guy in the "Okay" face meme.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Daisuke was returning home after being out with his bros.<p>

"I'm home! I bought you a pretzel from the mall!" Daisuke yelled as he entered the house and waved a pretzel in the air. Nami approached Daisuke.

"Hi, Daisuke, something came in the mail for you. I put it on top of your Xbox 360 controller," Nami said. "Oh, and you can have the pretzel. That shit goes straight to my thighs."

"Thanks, mom," Daisuke said as he went upstairs, eating his pretzel. When he got to his room, he saw the letter Nami had. "A letter? I'm too young to do jury duty!"

Daisuke opened the letter. It wasn't a jury duty summons, but something else...

**To Daisuke Saburo,**

**If you managed to get this in the mail... We are happy to inform you that you and your so-called "rad bromance" are being considered for their own show. Please come to Los Angeles, California, three days after you recieve this letter, as we will be filming you and your friends for three weeks so we can have enough material for a pilot. Attendance is mandatory, and if you cannot make it to Los Angeles, please reschedule your three-week trip. All expenses (hotel, food, airfare, hospital stays, etc.) will be paid for by us, because we haz Hammerspace bank accounts.**

**Sincerly,**

**Dracule Mihawk**

Daisuke pumped his fist into the air.

"Score!" Daisuke yelled before he ran into Showtarou's room. "Suck it, Showtarou! My bros and I are getting our own show! We're going to Hollywood!"

Showtarou only blinked.

"Did you eat my ice cream?" Showtarou asked.

"You mean the M&Ms one, right? I think so," Daisuke asked. Showtarou grew silent.

"You sit on a throne of lies," Showtarou said darkly.

* * *

><p>That evening, Daisuke decided to share the news with Gareth at the local 7-11, despite the fact 7-11 didn't exist in 1936.<p>

"We're getting our own show?" Gareth asked Daisuke.

"Hell yeah. We go to L.A. for three weeks and they film us," Daisuke explained. "Oh, it's mandatory, so we HAVE TO go."

"I'll have to see what the old man thinks - Bullet would let me live every Hollywood trope there is, while Aoi wouldn't care and watch anime," Gareth explained as the cashier ran up their purchases.

"You're going to Hollywood? Have fun, and don't become somebody who is a part of the young, beautiful, and rich Los Angeles scene," Monet explained as she rang up their purchases. "That will be fifteen dollars."

Gareth and Daisuke grew silent.

"Fifteen dollars for two Slurpees, a bag of Fritos, two candy bars, and some donuts? Really?" Gareth asked in all seriousness.

* * *

><p>"You can't go."<p>

It was the next morning, and Daisuke, Nami, and Showtarou ate breakfast.

"But, why?! Mihawk said it was mandatory!" Daisuke cried.

"The God of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood only knows what trouble you and your friends would get up to in L.A.," Nami explained. Daisuke got up.

"Yeah, well the God of the Rad Bromance knows that we're going to have our own show!" Daisuke yelled before he stormed upstairs and entered his bedroom. Daisuke then went onto his computer, and logged onto some chat program on Google.

**Daisuke Saburo has logged in.**

**Daisuke Saburo: My mom won't let me go to Hollywood. I think we have to cancel.**

**Daisuke Saburo: She said we would get into trouble while in L.A.**

**Heathcliffe Sarutobi, Kazuma Miyafuji, Holden Sarutobi, Soren Sarutobi, Gareth Archer, Enlai Li, and Wolfgang Katsuragi: *collective facepalm***

**Enlai Li: I'm going to go take a break from this. Anybody got some Twix?**

**Enlai Li has logged out.**

Daisuke sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"It's not like our show will be on the Disney Channel and we'll become druggies after the show ends..." Daisuke said to himself.

* * *

><p>The next morning at breakfast, Nami made an announcement.<p>

"Pack your stuff. We're going to make it in Hollywood!" Nami announced. Daisuke and Showtarou grew silent.

"Well, that escalated quickly..." Showtarou commented.

"I thought you didn't want us to go," Daisuke pointed out.

"I changed my mind when I realized that you could be making millions off of this," Nami explained.

"So... You're only doing this for the money?" Daisuke asked.

"That's right!" Nami said. Daisuke turned to Showtarou.

"How much are a few million dollars worth in 1936 and 2013?" Daisuke asked Showtarou.

"How should I know? Ain't nobody got time for that," Showtarou asked.

* * *

><p>About an hour later, the Rad Bromance was at the airport, waiting for their flight to L.A.<p>

"We're in 1936. I don't think air travel is possible yet," Wolfgang pointed out.

"Who cares? We've made references to chat programs on Google, video games, Xbox 360s, the 'Hollywood crowd', and 7-11, and they don't exist yet," Daisuke asked.

"You went to 7-11 without us?!" The rest of the bromance yelled.

"Well, Gareth was there," Daisuke said.

"But, still, you went without us!" Heathcliffe cried.

"You were busy when I tried to call you. You and Aki were probably -" Daisuke explained before Heathcliffe cut him off.

"My phone died and needed to be re-charged! Plus, Aki is in Shanghai right now!" Heathcliffe cried.

"Why is she in Shanghai?" Daisuke asked.

"Because her dad said so for no reason. And, if Aki's dad says things for no reason, he hasn't been sleeping for a few days, because he is waiting," Heathcliffe explained.

"Waiting for what?" Kazuma asked. Heathcliffe sighed.

"It's a meme from Charlie Sheen, Kazuma! Where were you when he went bonkers and delcared that he had Adonis DNA and Tiger Blood?" Heathcliffe asked.

"_Attention, all passengers. Flight #69 from Baton Rouge to Los Angeles is now boarding_."

The Rad Bromance got up, carry-on bags in tow.

"So, what are our in-flight movies?" Wolfgang asked.

"_The Notebook_, _Justin Bieber: Never Say Never_, or _Hannah Montana: The Movie_," Daisuke said, reading from his in-flight brochure.

"I have _The Avengers _on my laptop, _Scott Pilgrim vs. The World _on my iPad, and episodes of Family Guy and The Simpsons on my iPhone," Wolfgang said.

"Thank God! I don't have to watch that God-awful Hannah Montana movie!" Holden yelled.

* * *

><p>That afternoon, the Bromance arrived at their fancy hotel near Hollywood and were settling into their rooms.<p>

"Why is everybody in our room?!" Holden asked as the rest of the bromance entered the room the Sarutobi boys were sleeping in.

"How do you know the nice people with the cameras aren't watching us?" Daisuke asked derpily.

"Oh, this shower is the best shower I have ever taken! I don't want it to end!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Yeah... Heathcliffe found the high-tech showers," Soren said. Kazuma then ran over to a tray of snacks and drinks.

"And, I found the minibar!" Kazuma announced as he picked up a bottle of soda.

"_That will be $15.00, unless you put it back._"

Kazuma then put the soda down where it was.

"Rip-off..." Kazuma muttered as he picked up a bag of M&Ms.

"_OMFG! This ain't the Embassy Suites! Put that back, or you will have to pay ten bucks!_"

Kazuma put the candy bar back.

"Why is Law saying the minibar recordings?" Kazuma asked.

"It's not 'minibar'. It's called an 'honor bar'," Wolfgang corrected. Mihawk and a camera crew consisting of Kuma and Moria entered.

"_We are burnin' down, we are burnin' down!_" Mihawk sang as he pranced into the room. The room grew silent, save for Heathcliffe's vaugely-sexual-sounding groans of pleasure coming from the shower. Mihawk, Moria, and Kuma sweatdropped.

"Oh, my glob! I love this shampoo so much! My hair feels so good right now!"

"French the llama..." Mihawk said under his breath.

"Are you... Here for the show already? If so, could you come back? My younger brother is immensely enjoying his shower and the free shampoos the hotel gave us," Soren asked.

"We understand. Just be glad that if got this moment on camera, we would be using it as blackmail against you," Mihawk explained before he left. Everyone grew silent.

"Oh, my God! I'm totes stealing all of the shampoos and conditioners in this hotel! My hair is so silky soft right now!"

Wolfgang sighed.

"Let's do this shoot thingie..." Wolfgang said to himself.

* * *

><p>About an hour later, the Rad Bromance arrived at the studios Mihawk worked at.<p>

"_Checking out the hotties down on Cuba  
>Sweet Suzy Sue is playing the tuba, ye-ah<br>The fuzz is on the street, laying on the heat, ya'll  
>Walking on their feet ya'll<br>The guy with the big black boom box laying down the beat ye-ah_," Two Rhett and Link and/or Flight of the Conchords-esque performers named Sanji and Zoro sang. Gareth then got out a ten-dollar bill and placed it at Sanji and Zoro's feet.

"You guys deserve a Grammy. Be a good band and defeat Justin Bieber at the next Grammys. Make sure that spoiled brat wins NOTHING," Gareth explained to Sanji and Zoro. Wolfgang said nothing as he grabbed Gareth by the coat and dragged him along. A few seconds later, the bros arrived at a large, studio audience, where many others awaited to see if they got their own show.

"Uhh... Where are Rhett and Link with the hidden cameras for Good Mythical Morning?" Wolfgang wondered out loud. Sanji and Zoro entered the room.

"_Hi, it's Vince with ShamWow  
>You'll be saying 'wow'<br>Every time you use this towel.  
>It's like a chamois! It's like a towel! It's like a sponge.<em>

_A regular towel doesn't work wet - this works wet or dry._  
><em>This is for the house, the car, the boat, the<em> -" Sanji and Zoro sang before they were cut off by Perona, who wore a denim miniskirt, a crop top, hooker boots, and a long, blonde wig.

"You suck! At least I can sing! I'm going to be the next Hannah Montana!" Perona yelled.

"Oh, so that's why you're dressed like a hooker," Wolfgang commented. Perona just cleared her throat.

"_Nobody's perf -_" Perona sang very badly before she was cut off.

"Silence!"

Mihawk, Kuma, and Moria entered the studio. Everyone grew silent.

"By default, we're getting rid of Perona first, because she's dressed like Miley Cyrus," Mihawk announced. Perona pouted.

"But, I want to be a celebrity! I want to be famous and date Justin Bieber!" Perona cried, ripping off her wig in the process. Then, her mood changed. "LOL. JK. I don't want to date that spoiled man-lady."

Mihawk sighed and facepalmed. The bromance sweatdropped.

"Is this is what Los Angeles is really like?" Daisuke asked.

"The 'I want to be famous' part, definitely. The 'I want to date Justin Bieber part', no. Unless you're a middle school-aged girl with bad taste in music," Wolfgang explained.

"Is there any part of L.A. that can make us feel... Normal-ish? You know, where we can just be ourselves? Get some fast food, watch buddy comedy movies with Will Ferell or Bradley Cooper, that stuff," Daisuke asked. Wolfgang pulled out his iPhone and looked up something.

"Universal Studios?" Wolfgang asked.

"Sure? Why the hell not?" Enlai asked.

* * *

><p>Sooner than they knew it, the Rad Bromance sat at Universal Studios' CityWalk, eating fast food and watching the people and tourists of Los Angeles go by.<p>

"You know, I think I'd like living here. I Heart Gintama gets boring sometimes," Daisuke said.

"You'd think that for all of the Shirley Temple look-a-like contests, Ya-Ya Sisterhoods, and Southern Belles, they'd have a few celebrities to spare?" Enlai asked. "But, that's beside the point. Damn, this is some good Lo Mein. Makes me want to ditch all of you and go back to China."

"Maybe we should go through with the show," Daisuke said.

"After our three weeks of sightseeing," Wolfgang added.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Five more chapters until the big 100! Review so we can get there!<strong>


	96. The Electrical Outlet Motel

**Author's Note: **Bonney and Law got bored of pickling things, so now they've opened a hotel dedicated to numerous electrical outlets in the rooms. If you haven't figured it out already, this chapter is based off of ANOTHER Portlandia sketch with Bryce and Lisa in it.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Portlandia.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day on the Grand Line, as law and Bonney stood outside of a vintage motel.<p>

"Hi, I'm Trafalgar Law!" Law introduced himself.

"And, I'm -" Bonney introduced herself before Law cut her off.

"I wear glasses now," Law said, a pair of hipster glasses magically appearing on his face. "Wait... Why are we here?"

"We opened up a motel solely dedicated to electrical outlets. They have birds on them and they're pickled," Bonney explained. "Anyway, thinking about going away for the winter or some other excuse that sounds legit?"

"Check into the Outlet Motel!" Law and Bonney said, pointing to a sign for the hotel which had many electrical outlets.

"Oi, is this where I check in for the convention?"

Shanks approached them, luggage in tow.

"Sure," Law said as he and Bonney escorted him to a room. The door and the drawn curtains had outlets on them. "Need to plug something in? We've got outlets."

Law opened the room and the three stepped inside. However, the room was already occupied by Soren and Teru, who were having sex under the outlet-covered bed sheets.

"Cacao! Cacao! CACAO!" Teru screamed. Law, Bonney, and Shanks' jaws dropped. (1)

"What in the Panda Express?! I needed to come here to charge my rooster aquarium, not to see people have sex!" Shanks cried. "I'm leaving! Vagabond Inn motels have more class than this!"

"If you're leaving, please pay your bill right now. Your bill comes out to $433.62," Bonney explained.

"What the hell?! I paid ONLY sixty bucks for a room! You LIE!" Shanks yelled.

"That's because we have our own power generator for all of this hotel's outlets. At least you won't have to go on a hunt for outlets when you go on vacation. You won't get this at a Vagabond Inn," Law explained. Shanks said nothing as he slammed the door, causing a plug to fall out of Soren and Teru's bed.

"How is your laptop charging?" Law asked in an effort to make things between the naked, married couple and the two, hipster, motel owners less awkward.

"That's not a laptop. It's not a cell phone or iPod either," Soren explained. Law and Bonney grew pale.

"We already have an idea of what it is, and we don't need to be reminded of what you have plugged in to one of our many outlets. Have a nice day," Law said before he and Bonney left the room.

"_Let's cut to some paid testimonials! Because everyone loves Pink Lemonade!_" (2)

The scene cut to the Buggy Pirates, who were sitting on a bed in the motel. All of them had censor bars over their eyes.

"There are unidentifiable stains on the carpet, the T.V. is from 1973, and the sheets smell like piss. At least there are outlets everywhere so I can plug in all my stuff," Buggy - who had his voice altered - said into the camera. "Oh, and they have free cookies in the lobby."

The scene then cut to Yukari and Kazura, who were trying to plug a mood lamp into an outlet inside of a sink.

"We can plug this mood light into an outlet that's inside of a sink, and we aren't questioning why!" Yukari said joyfully. Kazura then tuned on the faucet, then turned it off a second later when he realized how much of a dangerous idea it was.

"No! No!" Kazura yelled before he pointed to himself. "I'm yelling at myself."

The scene then cut to Wolfgang, who had an iPod plugged into an outlet on the table, an iPhone plugged into an outlet on the ceiling, an iPad plugged into an outlet on the bed, and a MacBook laptop plugged into an outlet on the lamp.

"Meh. You get what you pay for at this place. The T.V. sucks, the fridge is a bit too small, and frat boys come here every Friday to party at the motel's pool. At least I don't have to go on a hunt for electrical outlets to charge my many devices," Wolfgang said. "Oh, and protip: The coffee they serve at the continental breakfast is awesome."

The scene then cut to Linus, who had many speakers and DJ sets plugged into the many outlets in his room.

"I'm one of the many frat boys who come here every Friday night to party at the pool. I like this motel, because I have all of these outlets for my convenience," Linus explained. Arvin and Greta entered the room, carrying a coffeemaker and an iron.

"Where can we plug these in?" Arvin asked.

"No room. Go next door," Linus demanded. Arvin and Greta then walked into the room next door, which was Soren and Teru's room.

"Cacao! Cacao! CACAO!" Teru moaned as she and Soren did thing under a bedshet. Greta and Arvin dropped the appliances they were holding.

"You owe us new coffeemakers and irons!" Arvin yelled before he and Greta made a run for it. Soren and Teru stopped... Whatever it was they were doing.

"I didn't hear them come in," Soren said.

"Me neither," Teru said. "Anyway, do you mind if I get the whipped cream and the chocolate sauce? I know you wanted to use maple syrup, but the store was out of maple syrup."

* * *

><p>The next morning, several guests formed a line in the lobby, checking out, with stuff ranging from laptops (Wolfgang), chainsaws (Miller), and even large televisions (Donovan).<p>

"Do these glasses make me look like I'm trying too hard?" Law asked Bonney.

"No. They look like you're trying very hard," Bonney said as an angry Beal approached the counter.

"You're charging me a hundred bucks when the rooms are sixty bucks?! All I plugged in was a waffle maker!" Beal yelled to Bonney and Law.

"Tenth Doctor-ya, we HAVE waffle makers for our continential breakfasts. If you used those, you would've saved fourty bucks," Law explained. Beal handed a paper to Law, who read it over. "You're suing us?!"

"You gouge prices like how Katniss gouges mahogany tables!" Beal said before he left with his suitcase and his waffle maker. Wolfgang approached them, many Apple products in hand.

"Checking out. I was in room 226," Wolfgang said. Bonney typed something on her vintage computer.

"Your total comes to $455," Bonney said.

"I'm not paying that much for a one-night stay!" Wolfgang cried.

"Sir, you need to pay insane amounts of money to us. We need it to pay the electrical bills for our own electrical grid," Law explained. "If I'm correct, you had four different things plugged in."

Wolfgang blinked.

"I'm going to go call my boss, a.k.a., my dad. He doesn't need any of this bull," Wolfgang said before he stepped off to the breakfast area. Soren and Teru approached the counter.

"Your stay is free! Have a nice trip!" Bonney and Law yelled. With a shrug, Soren and Teru left the motel.

"Why do they get a free stay and I pay a jacked-up price?!" Wolfgang cried.

"They did things we can't speak of, Wolfgang-ya," Law said before the grid behind him began to smoke.

"What smells like burning stuff?" Wolfgang asked. Law and Bonney turned back, and they saw that their grid was on fire.

"Son of a -" Law cried.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, everybody at the outlet motel stood outside as they watched the motel burn down.<p>

"There goes one of our hipster hobbies. First, putting birds on things, then pickling things, now this," Law said.

"Why must our hipster hobbies end like this?" Bonney asked. Law sighed.

"I thibk hobbies are too mainstream," Law said. Garp and Sengoku approached the two hipsters.

"We have an arrest warrant for Trafalgar Law and Jewelry Bonney for scamming the masses," Sengoku said. Law and Bonney grew pale.

"Oh, shit, son!" Law yelled as he raised his hands. "It's not a scam! We legitamitely needed the money to pay our electrical bills!"

"Don't taze me, bro!" Bonney yelled before she and Law ran away. Garp and Sengoku sweatdropped.

"Want to get some donuts?" Sengoku asked.

"Duh! We're like cops!" Garp said.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>I am not explaining why Teru is shouting "Cacao" as she has sexy times with Soren. Go on Youtube and look up "Portlandia Cacao" if you're interested. And, no, cacao isn't a swear word - It's another word for chocolate.

**(2) - **Pink Lemonade is my pairing name for Soren x Teru, because of their hair colors - Teru's hair color is pink, and Soren is blonde.

**Review if you want to see Bonney and Law take up a new hipster hobby that was seen on Portlandia!**


	97. The Stepford Wives' Stepford Suburbia

**Author's Note: **Oh, my God. Two more chapters after this chapter is the 100th chapter. Be warned that it WILL be on the long side.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day in the upper-class suburb of Stepford Suburbia, Conneticuit, and the Abingdon family were moving into their new mini-mansion.<p>

"Was this really necessary? We were fine in Boston!" Edmund cried.

"You said that when we moved to Boston from Portland, and when we moved to Portland from Long Island," Edmund's mother, Matsu, explained. "Plus, you know you father's work with Galley-La makes him move every so often. Plus, this was the only neighborhood that was near New York City."

"But, mom -" Edmund, Amelia, Rhett, and Bridey yelled before Kartik turned into a purple-Blooded Homestuck Troll.

"There's ice cream in the fridge," Kartik said, sounding like he was about to murder somebody. Then, Kartik turned back to normal. "Your rooms are upstairs."

Edmund and his siblings sweatdropped as they entered the mini-mansion. Matsu turned to Kartik.

"How come you always turn into one of those psycho, Homestuck Trolls?" Matsu asked.

"It runs in my family. I'm afraid Rhett is next in line for this," Kartik explained.

* * *

><p>A couple of hours later, the Abingdon siblings were unpacking their things, when the doorbell rang.<p>

"We'll get it!" Edmund yelled as his siblings ran downstairs. They answered the door to Nami and Zoro, who were both in 1950's clothing and had scary-looking smiles on their faces.

"Can we help you?" Edmund asked.

"You must be the new neighbors!" Nami said happily.

"Yes, we are," Rhett answered. Zoro got out a bottle of milk.

"Here. Take this. All of the new neighbors take these on their first day in the neighborhood. It's so you can be like us," Zoro said. Nami then held up a white puppy, which was actually Bepo in a dog suit.

"And, we'll give you a puppy!" Nami said happily.

"I'm not a puppy," Bepo pointed out.

"Shut up, or you're not going to the Rainbow Bread Expo," Nami whispered to the "puppy". The Abingdons sweatdropped.

"We're actually very busy right now. Come back later," Amelia explained.

"But, we all drink this so we can become Stepford Suburbanites," Zoro and Nami protested. Nami just held Bepo up again.

"Puppy!" Nami said happily. Edmund responded by shutting the door in their faces. From inside, the Abingdons could hear something about somebody not being a puppy.

"Kids, who was that?!" Kartik shouted from somewhere.

"Girl Scouts!" Edmund yelled back.

"Tell them I want the Tagalongs!" Kartik yelled back.

* * *

><p>The next day, it was the Abingdon siblings' first day at Stepford Suburbia High School. For once, they dressed like everybody else, as they had to wear uniforms at this school.<p>

"Constant vigilance!" The principal, Doflamingo, yelled as the Abingdon kids entered his office. As soon as the kids sat down, Doflamingo jumped up and screamed. "No! Get it away! Get it away!"

The Abingdons sweatdropped.

"Get what away?" Edmund asked in a deadpan tone of voice.

"Her hair ribbon! Did she buy that shit at Hobby Lobby, or what?!" Doflamingo cried as he pointed to Amelia's hair ribbon.

"No... I had it custom-made. I bought it from Etsy," Amelia explained.

"It's puce-colored! PUCE! Plus, it's decorated with kitten heads! Good God, what were you smoking when you ordered it?!" Doflamingo cried. "There's a reason why crackheads are on Etsy!"

"Are you... Going to take it away?" Amelia asked.

"Naw, that ain't me. Get to class before I call the cops on you," Doflamingo said. The Abingdons sweatdropped.

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, the Abingdon siblings were walking home from school.<p>

"Well, our school isn't so Stepford-ish," Bridey commented.

"That's because it's already Stepford-ish. Everyone wears the same uniforms," Rhett explained as the four entered the house, where Kartik and Matsu were waiting. Both of them wore the same, 1950's clothing Nami and Zoro wore.

"Mom, dad, what's with the sudden costume change?" Edmund asked. Kartik and Matsu just kept smiling in a creepy manner.

"Puppy!" Matsu said happily as she lifted up Ajax, who was in a poodle costume.

"You're next, kids. Everyone in Stepford Suburbia is brainwashed to act this way. Nobody's tried to fight it," Ajax explained.

"I'm going to go do homework..." Edmund said before he dragged his siblings upstairs.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Edmund was doing homework in the library.<p>

"No! I'm not supposed to divide by zero!" Edmund yelled. Somebody then knocked on the door of the balcony. Edmund turned back, and he saw all of Stepford Suburbia, wearing all of the same 1950's clothing.

"Puppy!" The mob said happily as they held Usopp up, Lion King-style. Edmund calmly pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number.

"Rhett? Amelia? Bridey? They're here for us. Everyone in this town is brainwashed."

"_...Rhett, you owe me twenty bucks!_"

"_We were betting?_"

"_It was last night, remember?_"

"Guys, that's wonderful and all, but we have to get out of here. Everyone's going to brainwash us if we don't run like we've just met the Doctor," Edmund explained.

"_Sure. We'll be right there_."

Edmund hung up. Rhett was behind him, Amelia was a few feet to the left of him, and Bridey was a few feet to the right of him.

"Show time," Edmund said before he, his brother, and sisters ran screaming downstairs. Kartik and Matsu stopped them from exiting the house.

"Join us... We've got puppies," Kartik and Matsu said creepily, with smiles on their faces. Rhett stepped foward.

"I'm sorry that I have to do this..." Rhett said before he kicked his father in the balls. "Run like we're with the Doctor!"

The Abingdons ran out of the house and down the street. But, they stopped when they came upon a mob consisting of Smoker, Tashigi, Sanji, Kidd, Bonney, Pomponia, Aomame, Beal, Stella-Rondo, Yohan, Wolfgang, Enlai, Greta, Marlene, Stella-Rondo, Daruma, and Franky, all wearing their normal clothing.

"Thank God! Civilization!" Edmund yelled before he knelt down and kissed the ground at Smoker's feet.

"Oh, and please don't give us a puppy," Bridey said.

"We're not. In fact, you guys need to come with us," Smoker said. "Oh, and we don't have any puppies."

A few minutes later, everyone was gathered in Stepford Suburbia's country club.

"What's going on?" Edmund asked.

"Everybody in this town acts like they're from those suburbs you see in 1950's-set works. If you don't conform, bad things happen," Sanji explained. "And that is why God invented lampshades."

"That happened to our parents!" Edmund yelled.

"And Nami-swan!" Sanji cried.

"And Linus! He's not the same when he acts sexually repressed!" Greta yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"So, what do we do?" Edmund asked.

"Destory all of the mind control devices controlling everyone here in Stepford Suburbia, genius," Aomame explained. "It's so easy, a caveman can do this."

Doflamingo hopped into the room, dressed as a caveman.

"Yes?" Doflamingo asked. Everyone grew silent.

"Go back into your cage," Sanji requested. "Maeve is waiting for you."

Doflamingo pouted and walked away.

"So, where's the mind control device?" Edmund asked.

"Do you promise not to laugh?" Beal asked. Edmund nodded. "It's in the cows from the nearby dairy. They produce mind hive milk."

Edmund began laughing.

"Did our authoress get lazy or something?!" Edmund yelled. Stella-Rondo banged her fists against the table.

"I like Miffy! She's an obscure subset of Hello Kitty you don't know about!" Stella-Rondo yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"Well... Let's go milk the cows," Wolfgang said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the non-brainwashed mob made their way down the streets of Stepford Suburbia. Depending on the reader, they either walked down the street while <em>Your Touch <em>by The Black Keys played in the background, or they ran down the street while _Strange Times _by The Black Keys played in the background.

"Ooh! I'm beating out a samba!" Beal yelled.

"Do that later! Ain't nobody got time for that!" Smoker yelled as they approached the brainwashed mob.

"Puppy!" The brainwashed mob said happily as they held Heathcliffe up, Lion King-style.

"I can fly!" Heathcliffe yelled.

"Yeah, we'll get you in a minute, Heathcliffe. Just hang tight," Wolfgang said, looking up from his iPhone every few moments. "Looks like the dairy farm is down the road. Can somebody bike there while we get Heathcliffe?"

"I'm on it," Franky said before he got onto a pink tricycle and biked off very slowly. "Oh, how I love to bike. I need to get out and bike some more..."

As Franky biked off into the distance, Wolfgang hopped into the crowd, grabbed Heathcliffe, and carried him off bridal-style.

"Put me down, or I will dismember you. You know I have a girlfriend," Heathcliffe threated.

"Jeez, goth boy. Calm down," Wolfgang said under his breath as he set Heathcliffe down.

"You owe me a Hot Topic gift card," Heathcliffe said to Wolfgang before he walked away. "Oh, hey, Enlai."

"Hey, Heathcliffe," Enlai said casually as Heathcliffe walked away from the scene.

"No! No, no, no, no, no! We're in danger!" Edmund yelled as he pointed to the brainwashed mob, who was now trying to attack everyone.

"Franky will fix it!" Enlai yelled.

"They just brainwashed Pomponia!" Edmund yelled back.

"Who cares about Pomponia?!" Enlai yelled back.

"She's Maven's sister, because The Authoress decided to put Maven on a bus for no reason!"

"Why Maven?! I liked her!"

"Because she's the new Nojiko!"

"Puppy?"

The non-brainwashed mob turned to the brainwashed now, who were now un-brainwashed and wondering why they were carrying Holden, Lion King-style.

"Where the fuck did Heathcliffe go?!" Holden yelled. Everyone pointed in the direction Heathcliffe went. "Thanks."

Holden then walked away. Everyone grew silent.

"Uhh... Uh-oh. Where did puppy go?" Nami asked, the effects of the brainwashing wearing off. Kartik and Matsu approached their children.

"Kids, we're moving. Pack your bags, we're going to New Jersey," Kartik said. His children just groaned in response.

"But, we're fine here in Stepford Suburbia!" Edmund, Amelia, Rhett, and Bridey cried.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review the next two chapters if you want to see the 100th chapter!<strong>


	98. Moulin Capricorn Rouge!

**Author's Note:** Ampersands (those "&" symbols), K-Pop, and Canada-themed restaurants - Welcome to the 98th chapter of **The DysFUNctional Pirates**. One more chapter after this, and we will be celebrating the 100th chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

><p><strong>Paris, 1899<strong>

It was a beautiful day in Paris, as the Libras prepared to open their nightclub/laundromat/gastropub/hipster coffee shop.

"Why do we even have a nightclub, a laundromat, a gastropub, and a hipster coffee shop in the same place?" Yukari asked.

"I don't know. What shall we call it?" Kazura asked.

"'Ampersand'. Because," Edmund answered. Everyone began laughing.

"I can haz ampersand?" Mason asked, causing everyon to laugh harder. However, Kazura stopped laughing.

"How about 'Cuba Libra'? If we name it 'Ampersand', the ampersand will become too mainstream," Kazura explained. Everyone grew silent.

"Yeah, that could work," Edmund said. "Cuba Libra is now open for business."

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Cuba Libra only had a few customers.<p>

"Guys, why is nobody coming here?" Edmund asked.

"Who goes to laundromats anymore?" Stella-Rondo asked.

"At least we give people doing laundry free coffee," Edmund argued.

"I think that's why. They want to scam coffee out of us," Yukari said.

"That, or it has to do with that building with a windmill on it," Kazura explained as he pointed to a building with a giant windmill on top.

"You mean the Moulin Rouge? That doesn't open until the sun goes down," Edmund explained.

"What goes on inside?" Kazura asked. Edmund got out a Tootsie Pop.

"The world may never know," Edmund said.

"Doesn't mean we can check it out," Jin-Mao said.

"Shut up," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>That night, Kazura, Edmund, Miller, Locke, and Mason were sent to the Moulin Rouge to spy on the people at that club. As it was a more upscale club, the five felt out of place in their more casual, hipster clothing.<p>

"I think all of this pretention is making me sick," Mason said as they entered the Moulin Rouge. Edmund shuddered.

"I have a very bad feeling about this," Edmund said.

"Why?" Kazura asked. Edmund grew pale.

"You guys wouldn't understand," Edmund said darkly. The five grew silent.

"_Dance. I wanna dance, dance, da-ance_," Mason sang along to the K-Pop song playing in the club. "Wow. I know the lyrics to a K-Pop song when I don't know Korean."

"That's nice," Locke said apathetically. Then, Kalifa and Alvida, two high-class strippers working at the club, walked up to Edmund and started grinding against him.

"Oh, God, no! WHY strippers?!" Edmund cried.

"Wow. Fantastic, baby," Mason said in tune to the music.

"You're not helping! Get these strippers away from me before I snap and choke somebody!" Edmund yelled.

"That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled over the music. Kazura said nothing as he casually got out a bottle of pepper spray and pepper sprayed Kalifa and Alvida.

"Can we leave now?! I'll be a good boy, I promise!" Edmund cried.

"Well, we just got here," Miller said.

"Shut up, Miller," Edmund said bluntly. The five just sat down at a table, K-Pop music still blasting. For a few minutes, everyone was silent, save for the loud, K-Pop music. "Miller, I'm being a good boy."

"I know you are," Miller said as he picked up a menu and studied it. "How come the only thing on the menu is booze?"

"There's no food on the menu?! These people have some of the worst service ever!" Edmund cried. Wolfgang then approached the table, dressed in a fancy suit.

"Hello, would you like to rent one of the Capricorn Pirate Escorts for the night?" Wolfgang asked. The five hipsters grew silent.

"Actually, I have to go. I just remembered that I have a lot of laundry to do," Miller said before he ran away.

"I have to go, too. I just remembered that I'm supposed to meet my sister at the new gastropub that opened across the street," Locke said before he ran off.

"Sorry, can't stay. This new hipster coffee shop opened up down the street, and there's a long line to get in. I only stopped in to use the restroom," Kazura said before he ran off.

"I have to go cry myself to sleep because my parents, aunts, and uncles are whoring themselves out AGAIN," Mason said before he ran off, leaving Edmund alone with Wolfgang.

"So, it's just you and me," Wolfgang said. Edmund got up.

"Go find someone else to escort. I have to... Go call the cops on some escort service. Yeah," Edmund said nervously before he ran off. Wolfgang sweatdropped.

"Everyone's so busy tonight..." Wolfgang commented.

* * *

><p>Not even a minute later, Kazura, Edmund, Miller, Locke, and Mason arrived at Cuba Libra.<p>

"That was fast," Yukari said.

"I don't want to talk about it," Edmund said. "Anyway, how's business?"

Yukari sighed.

"We only got one customer," Yukari said as she pointed to Garp, who was watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic in the corner with Daiyu and Jin-Mao.

"_My name is Pinkie Pie (Hello!)  
>And I am here to say (How ya doin'?)<br>I'm gonna make you smile and I will brighten up your day  
>It doesn't matter now (What's up?)<br>If you are sad or blue (Howdy!)  
>'Cause cheering up my friends is just what Pinkie's here to do<em>," Garp, Daiyu, and Jin-Mao sang. Yukari said nothing as she turned off the television.

"Hey! What was that for?!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"Excuse me, Garp, have you come to do your laundry?" Yukari asked.

"No. I didn't come for coffee, dancing, OR snacks at the gastropub either. I only came in because I saw My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic playing on the T.V. in the laundromat," Garp explained. "However, after this episode of My Little Pony, I will buy a cup of coffee and go on my way."

"Alright. Thank you for your continued patronage." Was all Yukari said.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Kazura, Miller, Edmund, Locke, and Mason told their story of their experience at the Moulin Rouge.<p>

"So... You're saying the Capricorns are escorting themselves?" Yukari asked.

"Yeah. Isn't that illegal?" Locke answered. Edmund snapped his fingers.

"Bingo! Let's arrest them!" Edmund said.

"How do you know the Capricorns weren't joking?" Yukari asked.

"Because Wolfgang said upfront that they were escorts. After that, we bolted," Miller explained.

"Ooh! I'm telling Yohan!" Mason yelled. "Where can we find him?"

"At that Canada-themed restaurant down the street," Kazura explained. "They have some good pancakes."

"I'll take your word for it. Let's get breakfast there," Jin-Mao said.

"We just had breakfast," Kazura said.

"Okay, then we'll go for brunch," Jin-Mao said.

* * *

><p>Come lunchtime, the Libras were eating at the Aries' Canada-themed restaurant, which was called... The Aries' Canada-Themed Restaurant.<p>

"Welcome to our Canada-themed restaurant. May I take your order?" Indie, who was dressed as a Mountie, asked.

"Can we have Yohan as our waiter? His son actually did some bad stuff," Edmund asked.

"I'm sorry, but Yohan is one of our chefs," Indie apologized. "But he makes damn good pancakes."

The TARDIS then materialized right next to Indie. Beal stepped out of it. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Oh, my God! David Tennant!" Jin-Mao yelled. Edmund facepalmed.

"Jin-Mao, for the last time, that is not David Tennant. That is Beal Myles. He just looks like the Tenth Doctor," Edmund explained.

"Did somebody need a Doctor?" Beal asked.

"I thought you were a swordsman," Kazura pointed out.

"It's not my fault I look like the Tenth Doctor," Beal said. "Anyway, what do you need Yohan for?"

"His son, Wolfgang, is an escort. They work at the Moulin Rouge, which is next door to our nightclub-slash-laundromat-slash-hipster coffee shop-slash-gastropub," Kazura explained. Yohan grew silent.

"Jesus, take the wheel..." Yohan said to himself.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, with the Capricorns...<p>

"I am so bored!" Daisuke yelled. Thierry handed him a Red Solo Cup.

"It's five o'clock somewhere," Thierry said. Daisuke just turned the cup upside down.

"What do I do with this?" Daisuke asked.

"CSI Miami beer pong!" Thierry slurred/yelled. Everyone looked to the drunk Thierry.

"Thierry, go home. You are drunk," Kartik said. Everyone grew silent.

"CSI Miami!" Daisuke yelled. Everyone sweatdropped and grew silent again.

"I want the D!" Yuki-Rin yelled. Everyone but Kazura turned red.

"I'd be happy to -" Kazuma said before Heathcliffe covered Kazuma's mouth.

"Why are you obsessed with getting into Yuki-Rin's pants?!" Heathcliffe cried.

"Why are you obsessed with NOT getting into Aki's pants?!" Kazuma retorted. Heathcliffe then hugged Aki.

"Because she's so cute!" Heathcliffe yelled. Kazuma sweatdropped.

"Okay, before anybody asks, the D is not what any of you were thinking," Yuki-Rin said as Luffy and Ace entered. "This is the D I want."

Kazuma laughed nervously.

"Oh, yeah, right. The Will of D," Kazuma said. Luffy and Ace sweatdropped.

"Why are we here?" Ace asked.

"No reason. Go home," Yuki-Rin said. Luffy and Ace frowned.

"Well, fine!" Ace said before he and Luffy left.

"Wolfgang Katsuragi, you are grounded when we get home!"

The Aries and Libras entered.

"Oh, look, Canadians and hipsters," Daisuke said.

"Son, what is this 'escort service' you speak of?" Yohan asked. Wolfgang began to sweat.

"I... We... Oh, my God! Dad, we escort people to their cars and homes when they're done clubbing at the Moulin Rouge! We don't whore ourselves out, as we have minors, ghosts, pigeons, and cats with us!" Wolfgang explained. Yohan turned to Terrance.

"Cue music," Yohan told Terrance.

"Oi, Linus, play the song!" Terrance yelled.

"What song?" Linus said offscreen.

"The _Ass Back Home _song! Do it, or I'm taking away your photos of girls in yoga pants!" Terrance yelled.

"It doesn't exist!" Linus yelled back. Terrance got out a stack of photos of One Piece girls in yoga pants.

"Say good-bye to all of these girls in yoga pants!" Terrance yelled as he ripped up the pictures.

"Nooooooo!" Linus cried. Soren then punched Terrance in the face.

"I know there were pictures of Teru in there!" Soren yelled.

"Actually, no. They were pictures of Pomponia, Maven, Greta, and Yue," Terrance explained. Soren punched Terrance in the face again. "What the [instant ramen]?!"

"Because I needed to take back that punch," Soren explained. Everyone grew silent.

"We're just going to go. This got too weird," Edmund said before the Libras left.

* * *

><p>The next week, the Moulin Rouge was shut down, because everyone thought the escort service inside was a prostitution ring and not a service where the Capricorns escorted drunk people home. To celebrate, many people (read: hipsters) in Paris partied at Cuba Libra.<p>

"Wow. We just made this the hottest nightclub, gastropub, hipster coffee shop, and Laundromat in all of Paris," Yukari commented.

"And, we're going to close it down tonight," Edmund said. "We're moving this operation to Portland, Oregon!"

"Fuck yeah!" Yukari yelled in an OOC-moment.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: You know what to do - Review if you want to see the 100th chapter.<strong>


	99. Tales of a Lovesick Maiden

**Author's Note:** This is it, guys. We're in the home stretch. Our big 100th chapter is the next chapter. Here are some things you can expect for the next chapter:

- Guest star appearances in the form of other people's OCs. **The Awesome Novice Writer, Vanizo, BinaBitz, A.G. Moria**, and, last but not least, **luffykotheeevee** will all have appearances from their OCs. My OCs will also appear, of course.

- The winners of the polls for this fic I've been holding and how they tie into the next chapter.

- Call backs and gags from previous chapters.

- Remember how long the **Second Anniversary Special **was? Yeah, the 100th chapter is going to be another long one, but I can't say why. Who wants to bet that it will break **Second Anniversary Special's **11,000+ word count?

- And, of course, crack.

There is one thing I need to point out - I am not ending this fic at chapter 100. I still have many ideas for this fic, and this fic will only end when I have no more ideas for this fic.

Before we begin the chapter, I need to make one more announcement - On Sunday, **luffykotheeevee**'s fanfiction **A Thousand Perspectives: Playhouse for the Sick and Hilarious**, which is a crack fic anthology series similar to **The DysFUNctional Pirates**, will be celebrating its first anniversary on the site, and there's a huge update spam planned for it! So, please, if you have time this weekend, read ATP Playhouse and drop a review! You can even suggest ideas for the story, and they will be put on as the next production in the fic.

And, without further ado... Here is the 99th chapter of this fic.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was New Year's Day, meaning that everybody was celebrating the first day of the new year. Especially Sanji, our lovesick maiden.<p>

"I'm a guy, you dumbass!" Sanji yelled.

"Sorry..." Odacchi said offscreen. Anyway, Sanji was wandering the city, when he arrived at a country club, where Nami and Zoro were entering. Zoro wore a wedding dress, and Nami wore a tuxedo T-shirt and jeans.

"Nami-swan's... Marrying the Shitty Marimo?!" Sanji yelled.

"Good," Grumpy Cat said.

* * *

><p><strong>*Begin Flashback: A year ago*<strong>

_Sanji scanned the newspaper, looking for something to do for the weekend._

_"'Replacement needed to answer phones'? Sounds legit," Sanji said to himself._

_And, that is how Sanji landed a part-time job answering phones for a phone sex company._

_"What am I wearing? Uhh... A tank top. Jeans. Sandals. A hair ribbon," Nojiko said on the other line. Sanji blushed._

_"Mellorine!" Sanji yelled._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

><p>"...And that is how I ended up working at a phone sex hotline for six months," Sanji told Sengoku, who was the bouncer of the country club.<p>

"Cool story, bro. I'mma gonna go tend to my pineapples growing in my T.V. You're free to crash this thing," Sengoku said before he left, dragging a giant, orca whale behind him.

"Shamu!" Maeve yelled as she ran after Sengoku and the orca.

"How is that whale still alive?" Sanji asked himself as he entered the country club. Inside, a second bouncer, Bepo, was waiting.

"Do you like waffles?" Bepo asked.

"What kind of guest list question is this?" Sanji asked. Bepo shrugged.

"This is a summer job. Please don't tell my captain, his Farmville-addicted first mate, or those two," Bepo explained.

"It's January," Sanji said. Bepo shrugged.

"I'm going to Australia after this, and it's summer there," Bepo said. With a shrug, Sanji continued on into the room where Nami and Zoro's wedding reception was being held, where many guests in street clothing did party stuff as the song _Daft Punk is Playing at my House_ played in the background. Sanji walked over to Miller and Gareth, who were listening to a story Beal was telling them.

"...And, so I told them, 'The Aristocrats'," Beal said, finishing his story. Only Sanji laughed.

"Holy tater tots, Batman! When the hell did you get here?!" Gareth cried.

"Just now," Sanji said as he got out a coupon for Pinkberry and gave it to Gareth. "Want to go to Pinkberry with the hipster lumberjack and the Tenth Doctor look-a-like?"

"This coupon is expired," Miller pointed out. Sanji glared at the lumberjack hipster.

"Fuck you," Sanji said before he made his was over to the buffet table. Without any word, Sanji grabbed a Red Solo Cup and filled it with fruit punch. When he turned back, Smoker was standing a few inches from him.

"Can I help you?" Sanji asked. Smoker smiled a derpy smile.

"A thunderstorm is sex weather," Smoker said derpily. Sanji sweatdropped.

"I wonder where all of the booze at this party is..." Sanji commented to himself as he wandered about, passing such sights like Robin grinding against Kidd, Tashigi and Linus riding a giant, pink, inflatable dolphin, and Law miming the lyrics to the _Thrift Shop_. "Wow, everybody's drunk."

"I'm not."

Mason approached Sanji, holding Red Solo Cup with a mini-umbrella inside of it.

"Where's the bar? Why does everybody seem drunk? How come we're the only sober ones?" Sanji asked.

"The bar is on the other side of this room. Lots of people are just slightly tipsy. We're not the only sober ones," Mason answered. "Wait... Did you ever get an invite to this wedding?"

Then, everybody in the room but Mason and Sanji did the dance to _Single Ladies_.

"No, I'm crashing it. I'm in love with the bride," Sanji explained. Mason just laughed.

"Good luck with that," Mason said before he retreated back into the party. As Sanji contemplated how to get the girl, he saw many outrageous things, such as Robin grinding against Miller and Shanks, Jinbei making-out with the ice sculptures, Kureha dancing on a stripper pole, and Usopp making-out with Mikuri.

"This entire party is on drugs..." Sanji commented. Miller slowly turned his head toward Sanji.

"I've made a huge mistake," Miller said.

* * *

><p>Fast-foward to a week later, where Sanji was stepping out of a blue, phone box.<p>

"Thanks for doing this for me, Doctor. Zoro will never know what hit him when he drop him in the middle of Chicago, 1979, during the 'Disco sucks' riots," Sanji said to whoever was still inside.

"No problem. You, me, and Clara are going to Shanghai, circa 1931, next week, right?"

"I'll pass. You're going to have one less person to save Old Shanghai from the Daleks," Sanji said.

"That's okay. Strax, Vastra, and Jenny are on their way there. I've got this."

"Yeah. See ya, Doctor," Sanji said before he made his way down the street. Eventually, Sanji arrived at a large mansion.

"I'm home, gramps!" Sanji yelled as he entered the mansion.

"Go do something productive! I'm having an intervention for Moria and his porn addiction!" Zeff yelled from upstairs. Sanji shrugged and went back outside.

"What a beautiful day..." Sanji commented as he observed the many people out and about. He then approached another mansion and knocked on the door. A few seconds later, Nami answered.

"Yes?" Nami said.

"_I say 'don't you know'  
>You say 'you don't know'<br>I say... 'Take me out!'  
>I say 'you don't show'<br>Don't move, time is slow  
>I say... 'Take me out<em>!'" Sanji sang. Nami sweatdropped.

"Hey, I know you! You were that Ero-Cook who crashed my wedding!" Nami said. "Want to go out for coffee with me? I'm bored, and the Authoress needs to get the story going so she can finish it and continue work on the 100th chapter of this fic."

Sanji then went into cardiac arrest. But, since this is a crack fic and the Authoress didn't want to get sued, Aomame was able to revive Sanji.

"What do I have to do with any of this?" Aomame wondered out loud.

* * *

><p>Some time later, Sanji and Nami were eating at Starbucks.<p>

"Why the [Portlandia] did you crash my wedding?" Nami asked Sanji.

"Because I fell for your sister when I was working for a phone sex hotline. There, I said it," Sanji explained. Nami grew silent.

"I like you. Mind if I hang out with you? My husband went into this blue, phone box yesterday and he hasn't returned since," Nami asked. Sanji laughed nervously.

"Waiter! Fish fingers and custard, please!" Sanji yelled.

* * *

><p>After finishing up at Starbucks, Nami and Sanji did some other things, as set to a music montage to the Panic! At the Disco song <em>Nine in the Afternoon<em>. As the Authoress had writers' block, she decided to list off their activites instead of writing scenes with them, and they included canoing down the river as the cops chased them, eating ice cream, going to the movies, and taking pole dancing lessons.

"Did you run out of money or something? That has got to be the most low-budget scene in the entire fic," Terrance asked the Authoress.

"There's a reason why writers' block sucks, Terrance. You don't understand."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in 1979...<p>

"Disco sucks! Disco sucks!" Zoro chanted as he punched a disco ball repeatedly.

* * *

><p>The next day, Nami and Sanji were going back to the country club.<p>

"What's going on?" Sanji asked as they entered the room the wedding reception was held. Everyone who attended Nami's wedding jumped out.

"Surprise! Happy surprise party!"

Sanji screamed.

"I totally did not get this from The Catherine Tate Show!" Sanji screamed. A laugh track went off, causing Sanji to scream again.

"You totally got that from The Catherine Tate Show!" Nami yelled. Sanji screamed. (1)

"Crap! You found my secret out!" Sanji screamed.

"Get on with it! We have a 100th chapter to produce!" Edmund yelled.

"Yeah, and I'm sure we all want to get production over with! There's no telling what the Authoress has in store!" Sanji yelled back. Everyone grew silent.

"So, why are we here?" Mason asked everyone.

"No reason," Nami said with a shrug.

"Maybe it's a release party for the 100th chapter," Jin-Mao theorized.

"Don't jinx it!" Everyone else yelled.

"Plus, what would that have to do with the overall plot and theme of this chapter?" Sanji asked.

"Who the fu[goose cawing]k cares?!" Kazura yelled.

"At least I didn't use Heathcliffe and Aki as the lead couple!" The Authoress yelled off-screen. Everyone but Heathcliffe, Aki, Holden, Soren, and Teru shuddered.

"What happened to the plot?" Aomame asked everyone.

"I told you, I had writers' block!"

Everyone facepalmed.

"Who invited us to this party?" Sanji asked Nami.

"Arvin, of all people. I don't know why but..." Nami said.

"Can we just go home now? I really would like to get away from it all," Sanji asked. Wolfgang just laughed.

"No," Wolfgang said.

"I think Authoress-san is trying to make such an understated chapter in comparison to the next chapter," Robin said.

"Or, she ran out of ideas," Locke said.

"_Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma? I've seen those English dramas, too. They're cruel_," Edmund sang. Sanji screamed.

"Pro wrestling!" Sanji yelled. Everyone grew silent. "Okay, Nami and I are going to leave."

"Slut!" Everyone yelled as they pointed to Sanji.

"Guys, chill the weather map out. We're just leaving thr party at the same time," Sanji said before he and Nami left. Everyone blinked.

"Drinks and free geese for everyone!" Shanks announced.

"I love llamas. They're so fluffy..." Chopper said, sounding like he was stoned.

* * *

><p>That night, Sanji walked Nami home.<p>

"So... My place, or yours?" Sanji asked. Nami blinked.

"Who are you? Where am I? What the hell is this place?!" Nami yelled in the voice of Donna Noble. Sanji screamed as a certain, blue, phone box appeared several feet away from him. As Zoro got out of the phone box, Sanji screamed and ran off. Zoro sweatdropped.

"So, how was your day?" Zoro asked his wife.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>In one of the skits on The Catherine Tate Show, Catherine Tate (who also played Donna on Doctor Who) plays a housewife who screams whenever she hears a loud and/or sudden noise. Those skits are also my favorite, because they are so hilarious.

**Review if you want to see chapter 100 and all of the celebrations associated!**


	100. The 100th Chapter Special

**Author's Note:** We interrupt the Authoress' vacation to bring you a special bulletin -

It's the 100th chapter! 100 chapters of crack, peoples! We made it! At 16,000+ words including footnotes and a summary at the end (it's not here because it contains spoilers) that explains why I had those polls for this fic, it's the longest chapter of the fic, beating out **Second Anniversary Special**, which was only fifteen chapters ago.

So, I want to thank everyone who reads and reviews the fic. I also like to thank the following writers who contributed their OCs to this special:

**BinaBitz - Andy**

**A.G. Moria - Ashley**

**The Awesome Novice Writer - Damian Drake, Platinum Shade, Ebony Inferno, Mason Blackheart, Calamity Marsh, and Storm Tide**

**Vanizo - The Pantless Pirates**

**KawaiiNekoNami - Anna**

**luffykotheeevee - Foley Maeve, Jodie Walker, Aoi Hagiwara, Pants Bullet, Leon Richard and his family, Cube, Aldwin Yorkson, Alissa Port, Jade Collins, Basil Le'Ursa, and Shen**

One more thing before we begin - Just because this is chapter 100 doesn't mean the fic is over. Oh, no. I have lots more ideas. As Karin and Kipton's birthdays were yesterday for Karin and on the 8th for Kipton, I have to write a chapter for that. I also want to do a parody of the T.V. show Catfish, and I want to do something based off of The Catherine Tate Show that DOESN'T involve Lauren Cooper in any way, shape, or form.

So... Let's get this crack party started right now! Orange soda and question mark-shaped cake for everyone!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or any OCs used, except for the Capricorn Pirates, the Libra Pirates, the Aries Pirates, the Gemini Pirates, the Aquarius Pirates, and the Taurus Pirates.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal morning on the Thousand Sunny as the Straw Hats ate breakfast.<p>

"Have I seen this set-up before?" Maeve asked.

"Set-up? What set-up?" Zoro asked as the Mail Bird flew in and dropped a large package onto the table.

"Sugoi! We got Moria's magazines!" Luffy yelled as he fed the Mail Bird some bacon. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Squak! I am Clorox, the cousin of Ajax! Ajax told me to tell you that Usopp will be dinner tonight!" Clorox yelled before... Relieving himself on Zoro's face and flying away.

"That whole pigeon family is so rude," Zoro commented to himself as he wiped pigeon droppings off of his face.

"What did we get?" Sanji asked Nami as she opened the package. When Nami opened the package, she grew pale.

"No, no, no! Take these back! We can't corrupt Maeve!" Nami yelled.

"Ah! So we did get Moria's porn!" Luffy said. Nami sighed.

"No, Luffy, it's much worse..." Nami said. "It's tickets to a week-long seminar by The Learning Annex."

All of the Straw Hats but Maeve screamed.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" Usopp yelled.

"I've made a huge mistake!" Sanji sobbed before he drank out of the bottle of maple syrup on the table. "Where did I go wrong in life?!"

"**Fact: The city of Sacramento, California, is the only state capital with a ziggurat**," Cube said. Everyone turned to Maeve.

"So... Where is this Learning Annex thingie? It sounds fun," Maeve asked. Nami grew pale and looked back inside the package.

"Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y -" Nami stuttered.

"Spit it out, Nami," Zoro bluntly commented. Nami sighed.

"Yukijima."

The Straw Hats screamed.

"Never again... Never again will I go to Yukijima and its hipster music festivals, pimped-out Shichibukai, and crazy, brothel madams," Sanji said to himself as he curled up in the fetal position. Everyone else got up.

"That's it, I'm leaving this crew! I never thought I would see the day where we are forced to go to a Learning Annex event on fucking Yukijima!" Zoro yelled before he opened the doors to the oven and climbed inside. "Oi, guys, is this the next island?!"

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Straw Hats re-grouped for lunch.<p>

"You never guess what I saw today - Perona on a date with Ajax! She was showing Ajax how to use an Easy-Bake oven. I think it's for when Ajax cooks Usopp tonight," Maeve explained.

"Mortician-san... We need to talk," Robin said seriously. "...We're shippin' yo' ass to some hipsters."

Maeve blinked. Then, the music started.

"_Now this is the story all about how  
>My life got flipped, turned upside down<br>And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there  
>I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air<em>," Maeve sang to the readers. The music then ended with a record scratch.

"Not now, Maeve!" The rest of the Straw Hats yelled.

"**Fact: Vermont is the only state that does not participate in the Adopt-a-Highway program**," Cube said.

"So... I have to leave this crew so I can travel with the Libras?" Maeve asked.

"Just for the week. Unfortunately, you aren't returning to Yukijima," Nami explained.

"You see, Maeve, Yukijima is part of a larger continent called 'All About Halifax'. You will be staying in Afro Circus, a small town Northeast of Yukijima. It's five hours away from Yukijima," Usopp explained.

"Did they not give me a ticket for the Learning Annex?" Maeve asked.

"They did, but it ended up in the trash," Nami answered casually.

"What will happen if I don't go?" Maeve asked. Nami laughed nervously.

"We'll discuss that later," Nami said nervously. Everyone then ate their bowls of Fruit Loops in silence.

"**Fact: Before celebrities lived there, Beverly Hills was known for its lima beans**," Cube said.

"Yeah, interesting, Cube. Jodie, I bet five bucks that Yukari and Kazura are the ones picking me up. Aoi, I don't know what Afro Circus is like. Bullet, I doubt Afro Circus will be a quote-unquote 'City of Adventure' like Yukijima. Leon, please remember that I can't speak French," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Straw Hats arrived at an unnamed harbor two hours from Afro Circus. Locke and Aurelia were waiting for them.<p>

"Damn it, Jodie! I don't want to pay you five bucks!" Maeve yelled. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"So... Why did we suddenly have to drop everything and keep watch on Maeve for a week?" Locke asked. Nami grew pale as she pushed Maeve toward Locke and Aurelia.

"You don't want to know. Not even for a Klondike Bar," Nami said.

"Is it that Learning Annex thing? If so, we gave our tickets to the Capricorns," Aurelia asked. Nami grew silent.

"Maeve, don't kill anybody, and we'll see you next week," Nami said before she and the other Straw Hats ran away. Everyone grew silent.

"**Fact: The Latin version of _Winnie the Pooh _was #1 on the New York Times' Bestseller list in 1960**," Cube said.

"So, shall we begin the trek to Afro Circus?" Locke asked.

"Of course. We want to see Afro Circus," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, the three arrived at Afro Circus, a small town. A six-story hotelcasino was the tallest building in the entire town.

"What the [muffin salesmen]?!" Maeve cried. "You owe Raineesha an apology!"

Locke and Aurelia sweatdropped.

"So, you'll be staying in our room. We can't have a repeat of that time you went to that anime con with Daiyu and Jin-Mao," Locke explained.

"Anime Expo was great! The three of us stayed in the Rainbow Dash Suite at the Marriott, and they gave us free snacks!" Maeve said as they entered the casino.

"You nearly maimed Garp because he made you sit through a two-hour meeting about timeshares at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Village," Locke argued. Aurelia and Maeve shuddered.

"Those were two hours I will never get back," Maeve said. An alarm then went off.

"_Attention, all patrons at the Afro Circus Casino-Slash-Hotel. There is a deranged, drunk, goth girl on the loose looking for her pigeon, Ajax. If you are staying here, please go to your room and stay there until further instructions. If you are not a guest here, get the fuck out. We don't need the muffin people stealing anymore shoes and car jacks_."

A few minutes later, Locke, Aurelia, and Maeve sat in their room on the second floor of the hotel.

"So... Where are the rest of the Libras?" Maeve asked.

"In their rooms," Locke answered. "We'll meet up with them when - or if - they'll stop the lockdown."

Perona then burst into the room, carrying a bottle of whiskey.

"You!" Perona yelled as she pointed to Locke, who sweatdropped.

"Soulja Boy, tell 'em," Aoi said.

"Aoi, be quiet. We have a crazy person in the room," Maeve whispered.

"_Soulja Boy off in this _-" Perona rapped before a hotel worker ran into the room carrying a birdcage with Ajax inside of it.

"Perona, what have we told you about running away with Ajax?" The hotel employee asked.

"But, Ashley, Moria NEVER pays attention to me anymore! He reads and watches too much porn!" Perona cried. Ashley sighed as she handcuffed Perona.

"Hello, my name is Ashley. If you have any questions about this place, call me," Ashley explained to Locke, Aurelia, and Maeve. "Oh, and the room next door to you is haunted. Don't worry, the ghost of Kuina doesn't bite."

Ashley then led Perona out of the room.

"**Fact: In 1942, Pepsi adopted a red, white, and blue logo to aid the war effort in America during World War II**," Cube said.

"Well... Does this mean our lockdown is lifted?" Maeve asked.

"Yeah, but I need a shower," Aurelia said before she went into the bathroom.

"And I need a nap," Locke said before he fell asleep. Maeve blinked.

"I wonder what everyone else is up to, Jodie. Aoi, maybe you should watch Night Raid 1931 instead of Sword Art Online. Sword Art Online has lots of sheep terrorists known as 'Mary Sues'. Bullet, do you want to buy Chopper a gift from this place? Leon, remember that I can't speak French. Cube, you just told me a fun fact," Maeve said.

"**Fact: I do what I want, biatch**," Cube said. "**Just kidding. Real fact: In the 1800's, it was common for Irish-American women to marry Chinese-American men due to immigration rates among those two races.**"

* * *

><p>With the Straw Hats, they were at one of Hancock's many lectures at the Ritz-Carlton of Yukijima. Lady Gaga was playing somewhere in the distance.<p>

"I want to go home!" Nami sobbed. "I want my mommy!"

"Don't worry, Nami. We'll go back to the Sunny in a week," Usopp said. Nami kicked Usopp in the balls.

"What is this?! _Dunston Checks In_?! Terrible things are happening this week, and it's all thanks to Boa Hancock's partnership with The Learning Annex!" Nami cried.

"Just be glad we didn't let Maeve go through this," Robin said.

"Yeah, well, you know who else has to go through this?! The Capricorns! They're the only ones who understand our pain right now!" Nami sobbed. Then, the Capricorns joined them and began to cry.

"Why can't this end?!" The Capricorns and Straw Hats sobbed.

* * *

><p>That evening, Locke, Aurelia, and Maeve sat in some type of casual restaurant inside of the casino.<p>

"Where is everyone?" Maeve asked as she spun the ketchup bottle around.

"They're coming, Maeve. Hang tight," Locke said as he looked through the menu.

"**Fact: Suzanne Collins worked on the Little Bear television show before she wrote _The Hunger Games_**," Cube said. Everyone grew silent.

"Welp, there goes my childhood," Maeve said.

"I can't believe Suzanne Collins went from Little Bear to Katniss Everdeen in the span of a few years," Aurelia commented.

"We're here!"

The rest of the Libras then entered the restaurant.

"Where were you guys?" Maeve asked.

"Waiting for the lockdown to be over," Kazura answered as the rest of the hipsters sat down. As soon as everyone was seated, they grew silent... Until Maeve's cell phone rang.

"Hello?" Maeve asked.

"_I had sex with her! I had sex with Ida at the Marriott_!"

The line then went dead. Maeve sweatdropped as she pocketed her phone.

"Maeve... Who is Ida?" Yukari asked.

"And why did Sanji have sex with her at a Marriott?" Kazura added.

"I'm sure you all know why we're at a hotel in the middle of nowhere," Maeve said. The Libras grew silent.

"And, I'm glad we are in the middle of nowhere," Edmund said as he closed his menu. "Who wants onion rings?"

* * *

><p>Back in Yukijima, the day's Learning Annex seminars came to an end, so the Straw Hats and Capricorns were huddled in the Straw Hat's room at the Yukijima Marriott.<p>

"Why does this happen to us!" Gareth sobbed. Usopp put his arm around Gareth.

"There, there. Keep calm and sing the Soft Kitty song," Usopp said soothingly. Gareth then pushed Usopp off of him and grabbed a knife out of Daisuke's hand.

"Bitch, I'll HM01 you!" Gareth threatened. Somebody then knocked on the door. Nami answered it to Hancock. (1)

"I need the Capricorns, or else you will go to my midnight lecture," Hancock threatened. The Capricorns said nothing as they approached Hancock, who led them away. A few minutes later, the Capricorns came back.

"What happened? What did she do to you?!" Usopp cried. Yuki-Rin gulped.

"She's making us work at her brothel, because you guys don't have Maeve with you, and because we have the Libras' tickets to the Learning Annex seminar. Drusilla, Dewey, Ajax, Isabella, and Alec are the only ones exempt, as Drusilla and Dewey are thirteen and fourteen, Ajax is a pigeon, Isabella is a ghost, and Alec is a talking cat," Yuki-Rin explained. The Straw Hats screamed.

"Luffy, Yuki-Rin, everyone else, I know we all agreed to sending Maeve and the Libras away, but we have to get them to Yukijima. They need to come save us," Nami cried as she got her phone out. Before any of the Capricorns could say something, Robin cut them off.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures. It looks like my crew is next," Robin explained. The Straw Hats screamed.

"I need an adult!" Luffy cried.

* * *

><p>Back in Afro Circus, the Libras and Maeve were hanging out and playing pool in Yukari and Kazura's room.<p>

"...Aldwin, I'll be fine. Right now, I'm in a no-tell hotel at an undisclosed location far from Yukijima. Aoi, Jodie, Bullet, Leon, and Cube send their regards," Maeve said into her iPhone, which was on speaker phone mode. Maeve's phone then beeped. "I'll call you back. The hotel my crew is staying at is trying to call me."

The Libras turned to Maeve as she pressed a button on her phone.

"Hello?" Maeve asked.

"_Maeve, it's me, Nami. Listen up, because this is very important - The Capricorns have been forced to prostitute themselves under orders by Boa Hancock, all because you're not in Yukijima and because the Libras gave the Capricorns their tickets. I know the Libras aren't going to like this, but... You have to go to Yukijima. You have to save us from Hancock, and - Oh, shit, son! How the hell did Hancock get our room keys?! No, Hancock, don't -_"

Nami screamed. Then, the line went dead.

"Oh, no! Hancock killed Nami!" Maeve cried. "Jodie, don't do that! Aoi, what were we thinking?! Bullet, you're right, we should've gone with them! Leon, we have no time to cook the Libras crepes! Cube, tell us something to lighten the mood!"

"**Fact: The state of Delaware only has three counties**," Cube said. Then, the line on Maeve's cell phone started up again.

"What the hell?! That's not possible!" Edmund cried.

"Yukari, Kazura, your room is across from mine. Somebody told me it was haunted, just saying," Maeve said. Yukari and Kazura grew silent.

"We're never booking with Travelocity again," Yukari said to her brother.

"_Hello, you have reached the Yukijima Marriott. If you are booking a room, please press 1. If you are cancelling your reservation, please press 2. If you are booking an event at our conference and event halls and/or ballrooms, please press 3. If you are calling a room at this hotel, please press 4. If you are looking for a job at this hotel, please press -_"

Maeve then pressed 4.

"Too long, didn't read," Maeve said.

"_You are calling one of the rooms. To call a room, punch in the floor of the room, and then the room number._"

Maeve then punched in the floor and room number of the Straw Hats' room.

"Pick up, pick up..." Maeve said to herself as she waved her fingers over her iPhone.

"_We're sorry, but the residents in this room are not avaliable right now. You will now be placed on hold until somebody answers._"

Familiar music then played through Maeve's iPhone. The Libras and Maeve screamed.

"Really?! This song?!" Edmund cried.

_We're no strangers to love_  
><em>You know the rules, and so do I<em>  
><em>A full commitment's what I'm thinking of<em>  
><em>You wouldn't get this from any other guy<em>  
><em>I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling<em>  
><em>Gotta make you understand<em>

_Never gonna give you up_  
><em>Never gonna let you down<em>  
><em>Never gonna run around and desert you<em>  
><em>Never gonna make you cry<em>  
><em>Never gonna say good-bye<em>  
><em>Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you<em>

Maeve calmly hung up admist the chaos the hipsters started.

"Hey, guys..." Maeve said, being ignored by the hipsters who were screaming, running around, and throwing things.

"**Fact: Play-Doh was originally used as a wallpaper remover**," Cube said.

"I don't care! We were just Rick-Rolled after a dead phone line was magically revived! Logic no longer makes sense in this hotel room!" Edmund yelled.

"Told you it was haunted," Maeve said with a shrug as she opened a box of Teddy Grahams. Everyone grew silent.

"So, what do we do?" Stella-Rondo asked.

"I'm afraid we have no choice but to go to Yukijima and save them. We are the ones who are partially responsible for getting the Capricorns into this mess," Kazura explained.

"We did? When?" Yukari asked.

* * *

><p><strong>*Begin Flashback, Three Days Ago*<strong>

_Kazura was on his Mac laptop, minding his own business, when an interesting E-mail popped up._

_Hooray! You have won tickets to Boa Hancock's next week-long Learning Annex seminar on Yukijima! You are REQUIRED to attend, or else Hancock WILL find you!_

_Kazura grew pale._

_"Oh, Dear Lord..." Kazura said to himself as he calmly picked up his iPhone and dialed a number._

_"Thriller Bark Tech Support. This is Perona. How may we help you?"_

_"Yeah, my crew and I recently won tickets to a week-long seminar at the Learning Annex, and we don't want to go, even though Hancock will find us if we don't. Do you know how to transfer this to another computer to the point where Hancock can't trace it back to us?"_

_Several minutes later..._

_"Wow! I didn't know that transferring this to the Capricorns' computer was so easy!" Kazura commented like he was on a commercial for Perona's tech support._

_"Say that again. I need to use that in my commercial for my tech support company," Perona requested._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

><p>"So... Perona does tech support now?" Maeve asked, tilting her head.<p>

"Apparently," Kazura answered, stroking his invisible, hipster beard.

"We saw Perona! She was the reason why we were on lockdown earlier!" Aurelia yelled. Maeve snapped her fingers.

"Then she MUST fix my phone! The ghosts in this room broke it when they Rick-Rolled us!" Maeve yelled. Everyone sweatdropped. "Yes, Aoi, I know for a fact the ghosts did it. Jodie, you didn't break my phone. Bullet, don't even bother playing Angry Birds on my phone right now. Leon, do I want to know what you just said? Cube... Just say something encouraging."

"**Fact: The Philip Morris cigarette brand once ran an ad about smokers' cough. They claimed it was caused by smoking cigarettes that weren't Philip Morris**," Cube said.

"Alright. Who wants to go down with me to get my phone fixed?" Maeve asked.

"My brother and I will go. We should switch rooms if it's haunted," Yukari explained.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Yukari, Kazura, and Maeve were in the lobby, as the song from the Motel 6 commercials played on a loop somewhere in the background.<p>

"Can I help you?" Ashley asked.

"Can we get another room? Ours is haunted," Kazura asked.

"We're booked for the night. Deal with it," Ashley answered. "Next!"

Maeve walked up to Ashley.

"Can you fix my phone? I'm trying to call my nakama at the Yukijima Marriott, but they won't answer," Maeve asked as she handed the phone to Ashley. A few minutes later...

"_We're sorry, but the residents in this room are not avaliable right now. You will now be placed on hold until somebody answers._"

Then, the music started up.

_We're no strangers to love_  
><em>You know the rules, and so do I<em>  
><em>A full commitment's what I'm thinking of<em>  
><em>You wouldn't get this from any other guy<em>  
><em>I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling<em>  
><em>Gotta make you understand<em>

_Never gonna give you up_  
><em>Never gonna let you down<em>  
><em>Never gonna run around and desert you<em>  
><em>Never gonna make you cry<em>  
><em>Never gonna say good-bye<em>  
><em>Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you<em>

Ashley said nothing as she turned off the phone.

"That's the hotel's hold music. I know, because I just transferred to this hotel from the Yukijima Marriott last week," Ashley explained as she handed her phone back to Maeve. "What are they in Yukijima for?"

"They were invited to a week-long seminar hosted by The Learning Annex," Maeve explained. Ashley grew silent.

"You need to go there and get your nakama out of there. Bad things have happened at those seminars, including murder," Ashley explained. Maeve, Yukari, and Kazura gasped. "No, wait, that was one of the Learning Annex's seminars BEFORE they partnered with the Shichibukai. Anyway... Were you planning on going to Yukijima in the coming days?"

"Yeah, even though we don't want to rescue the Capricorn Pirates," Kazura explained.

"Suck it up. You're going, that's final, and I'm coming with you," Ashley explained.

"Why are you coming with us?" Yukari asked.

"Those infamous seminars are associated with Gecko Moria, a colleague of mine. I need to free him and give him all the porn I can get so he can forget what transpires there," Ashley explained. Yukari, Kazura, and Maeve sweatdropped again.

"We leave at seven tomorrow morning. Be there," Kazura explained.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in Yukijima, Sanji and Nami were at a very fancy brothel, feeling out of place in their casual clothing.<p>

"Why are we here again?" Nami asked as they walked down a hall. Sanji knocked on a door, where sobbing could be heard from inside.

"Door's open!"

"Mediation," Sanji answered casually as they opened the door, revealing Heathcliffe and Aki, who was crying.

"What's going on?" Nami asked.

"Aki paid me money so she would be one of my... Clients," Heathcliffe explained. Nami and Sanji sweatdropped.

"Don't you two love each other?" Sanji asked.

"I'm so confused. Who wouldn't want to sleep with you, Heathcliffe?" Nami asked.

"You!"

Hancock entered the room. Aki, Heathcliffe, Nami, and Sanji froze.

"Soulja Boy, tell 'em," Sanji said.

* * *

><p>The next morning, the Libras, Maeve, and Ashley were prepairing to leave Afro Circus.<p>

"**Fact: The first American cheerleaders were a group of Princeton students in the 1880's**," Cube said.

"So, are we ready to go?" Ashley asked.

"We're waiting on one person," Maeve said. The Libras and Ashley facefaulted.

"We're here. Can we start now?"

Aldwin and Anton approached the group. A sleeping bishounen was stuck to Aldwin.

"Hey, guys, glad you could help us," Maeve said before she noticed the guy stuck to Aldwin. "Aldwin, who is that hot guy stuck to you?"

"That's Shen. I woke up and discovered that he was stuck to me," Aldwin explained as he pryed Shen off of him. Shen then awoke.

"Aldwin, what time is it?" Shen asked.

"Adventure Time!" Aldwin answered. With Aldwin's word, the group was off.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the group was walking through the forest.<p>

"_Oh, the islands in the south are warm!_" Maeve sang before a group of people in black shirts approached them. "Holy shit! People in matching shirts!"

The six people sweatdropped.

"Have you seen a car lot, a Cornucopia, and garage anywhere?" One of the boys in the group asked.

"No, we haven't. This is a forest," Yukari answered. The six groaned.

"We were going to torture those people from the lower Districts! First, we were going to set the boy from 12 on fire and make everyone watch, then we were going to attach jumper cables to the Tributes' [Bleep] and/or [Bleep] so we could electrocute them, make them eat shards of glass, break their fingers, injure them and then burn their wounds with a blowtorch and THEN injure them again, [Bleep] them while they are tied up while my allies -" One of the boys explained before Edmund cut him off. (2)

"Hey, woah, woah, woah, hey! TMI!" Edmund cried.

"_Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows - Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together! Brighter than a lucky penny -_" Maeve sang before one of the boys in the "Career" group yelled.

"Shut up!" The boy yelled like he was on Smosh. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Who are you guys? Because I'm sure the authoress is getting tired of using 'the boy' or 'one of the boys'," Ashley asked. The person who seemed to be the leader of the Careers sighed.

"I'm Mason Blackheart," The leader introduced himself. "My allies are Damian Drake, Platinum Shade, Ebony Inferno, Calamity Marsh, and Storm Tide."

"Get out! MY name is Mason!" Mason (Sarutobi) yelled.

"Another Mason?! Damn..." Mason (Blackheart) commented. After several introductions...

"So, what brings you to this forest?" Platinum asked.

"We're on our way to Yukijima. We have to rescue our friends from The Learning Annex," Maeve explained. The Careers laughed.

"That's how we learned how to be sadists on the inside! What's so bad about The Learning Annex?!" Storm asked in-between laughs. Maeve calmly pulled an iPad from Hammerspace and brought up a video to show the Careers. Lady Gaga music blasted from the iPad.

"My leg!"

"I want my mommy!"

"This is The Learning Annex, not the world's most depraved brothel!"

"I want my money back!"

"Oi, Hancock, get off of that stripper pole, or we will have to put you under arrest!"

The Careers smiled.

"This Learning Annex branch sounds right up our alley. Where can we sign up?" Platinum asked.

"Join us and see if they're hiring," Rhett answered. "However, you may join on one condition - Do NOT torture us."

The Careers looked to each other, then to the Libras, Maeve, Aldwin, Anton, Ashley, and Shen.

"How can we, when we don't have our torture equipment? Plus, all the torture comes later when we all become Learning Annex speakers," Damian asked.

"Perfect! Welcome aboard!" Maeve said.

"**Fact: Pandas are reluctant to breed while in captivity. This has led zookeepers to create "panda porn" videos of pandas... Getting it on**," Cube said. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Where did that come from?!" Calamity asked.

"The voices in my head," Maeve said casually.

* * *

><p>Several hundred miles away, on a continent in the East Blue known as "Panem", eighteen non-Career Tributes for the 14th Annual Hunger Games stood in an abandoned car garage, tied up with wire and wondering where the Careers went.<p>

"Where did the Careers go? One minute, they were about to pour gasoline all over me, and then they vanish," The District 12 boy asked everyone.

"Could it be... The Gamemakers saw how cruel they were and got rid of them?!" The District 5 girl asked everyone.

"When they disappeared, I thought I heard cannons," The District 8 boy said. The non-Careers cheered.

"Alright! They're dead! They can't do really bad things to us!" The District 10 girl yelled.

"What about us? We're still tied up," The District 3 boy asked.

"I'll go get a knife from the Cornucopia and cut everyone free," The District 3 girl said. Several minutes of cutting Tributes free and returning to the Cornucopia to get more supplies, the Tributes had a party set up, complete with food and a sound set.

"_Celebrate good times, come on!_" The Tributes sang as they partied. The Tributes from 9, 10, and 11 even formed a conga line.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you the winners of the 14th Annual Hunger Games, the Tributes of Districts 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12! Parcel Day for everyone! You get a Parcel Day! You get a Parcel Day! The girl from 12 gets a Parcel Day because she's from the Seam! The boy from 3 gets a jet ski for his first month of Parcel Day! We're giving out Parcel Days like it's the Oprah Winfrey Show!_"

The Tributes cheered.

* * *

><p>Back with Maeve and co., the sun was setting, and everyone was in search of the next town or city.<p>

"**Fact: The plastic casing at the end of a shoelace is called an 'aglet'**," Cube said.

"Are we there yet?" Maeve asked everyone.

"How should I know? I don't have a map of Yukijima," Bullet said. Then, bright lights shone into Bullet's face. "Oi! I can't see! Turn the fucking lights off!"

Aoi then bitch-slapped Bullet.

"You turkey horn! That's a city, you dumbass!" Aoi yelled.

"A city?!" Everyone cried. Then, they all ran down the hill leading toward the city, with some of them rolling on the ground ninja-style.

"_Keep rolling, rolling, rolling! Keep rolling, rolling, rolling!_" Jodie yelled right before everyone stopped running/rolling. "Oh, bitch please!"

Leon's eyes then lit up.

"Sacre bleu! We are in New France!" Leon yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"There's a new version of France?" Aldwin asked everyone as they entered the city.

"Yes, and we're going to recruit some new members of the Party Wagon," Maeve answered.

"Party Wagon? Where did you get that name?" Aurelia asked.

"Movie on the internet. Where else?" Maeve said with a shrug.

"...And, that is why I think Boa Hancock is collaborating with The Learning Annex. She is using Lady Gaga, the Queen of the Planet of The Gaga, to take over the world before Pinky and Brain."

Maeve perked up.

"I found recruiters!" Maeve said before she ran off. A few minutes of running later, Maeve came upon four pirate crews, who were listening intently to a ninja girl who was standing on a box.

"Ren! Canadians! Linus' harem! Meggie and her peoples! The Epic Fail Revolutionaries!"

Everyone turned to face Maeve.

"Maeve, what are you doing here? You know that things are turbulent here in All About Halifax," Beal asked.

"I'm lashing out at you!" Maeve yelled.

"Things are turbulent!" Beal argued.

"I'm lashing out at you!" Maeve yelled.

"Things are turbulent!"

"I'm lashing out at you!"

"Shut up! The World Government could be watching us!" Ren yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"**Fact: Ohio is the only state without a traditional state flag. Instead, it has a pennant**," Cube said.

"Maeve, the voices in your head scare me. Are they plotting world domination?" Ren asked.

"As far as I know, nope," Maeve said as she bit into a jelly donut.

"Where did you get that donut? Did the Freemasons give it to you?!" Ren asked.

"I got it from Hammerspace," Maeve answered casually. Ren screamed.

"Burn the witch!" Ren yelled as she pointed to Maeve. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Do you know of any place we can get food that ISN'T escargot or crepes?" Stanton asked.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve, the Aries, the Geminis, the Aquariuses, and Ren re-united with the Libras, Careers, Aldwin, Shen, Anton, and Ashley, and they were all at a pizza restaurant.<p>

"Is this a mom and pop shop?!" Ren asked everyone.

"Yep," Locke answered.

"Good. The Tenryuubito are controlling Pizza Hut, Domino's, Round Table Pizza, Little Caesar's, and even Shakey's. They make their pizza sauces with the blood of the innocents," Ren explained darkly. Everyone sweatdropped.

"But, Ren, Pizza Hut supports the rebellion," Jin-Mao argued.

"Rebellion?! What rebellion?!" Ren cried. Jin-Mao sighed.

"Obviously, you don't watch Code Geass," Jin-Mao said under his breath.

"**Fact: France's last execution by guillotine was in 1977**," Cube said.

"How fitting, considering that this - supposedly - New France," Damian commented. Leon then tackled the bigger Career from District 1 to the ground.

"Comment osez-vous parler comme ça à propos de Nouvelle-France! Dire du mal de ma maison une fois de plus, et vous aurez votre tête coupée sur la guillotine!" Leon yelled in French. (3)

"Hey, kid, speak American! That's the only language I know!" Damian yelled.

"I thought we were from Panem," Ebony pointed out.

"Yeah. We are from Panem," Damian said. Everyone grew silent again.

"**Fact: In 1907, Kellog's launched an ad campaign that offered a free box of cereal to any woman who winked at her grocer**," Cube said.

"That's sublimnal messaging for 'cheat on you husband with the grocer, and you'll get free cereal for life'," Ren said. Everyone facepalmed.

"Ren, shut up. Not everything is a conspiracy," Ashley said. Ren glared at her.

"She's part of the Illuminati! She must be dealt with!" Ren yelled.

"OMG! Stop being so paranoid of everything!" Platnium yelled.

"Platinum and Ashley are in the Illuminati! So are Miller, Jodie, Kazura, both Masons, Anton, Aldwin, Beal, Yohan, Kim, Aomame, Indie, Donovan, Linus, Damian, Stella-Rondo, Jack, Thorn, Alistair, Patrick, Hugh, Dane, Arvin, Daruma, Marlene, Ebony, AND Bullet!" Ren yelled. Alto calmly got a dart gun out and blew a tranquilizer dart into Ren's neck. Ren then passed out onto the floor.

"I couldn't agree with her more. I think my brothers and that creeper I'm forced to call my 'second cousin' are in the Illuminati," Meggie said to particularly nobody.

"**Fact: The Illuminati believe that fish can drown**," Cube said. Everyone sweatdropped.

"No more Illuminati stuff!" Ashley yelled. Greta sighed.

"I think we need to find a hotel and call it a night," Greta said.

"I know just the place!" Leon said. A few minutes later, the Party Wagon arrived at a modest, two-story house.

"Bed and breakfast?" Everyone asked.

"Nope! My house!" Leon answered.

"I thought you lived in Maeve's head," Aldwin pointed out. Leon grew pale.

"I don't want to talk about it..." Leon said as he reached into the mailbox. A few seconds later, Leon pulled out a key and a fish.

"Leon, why do you have a fish?" Aoi asked. Leon looked down at the fish.

"This isn't the mail?" Leon asked. The fish then coughed up several bills.

"Uhh... Wow. I thought it died," Maeve commented. The fish then cleared his throat.

"_Tell me, have you seen the marvelous Breadfish?  
>Swimming in the ocean waters.<br>Have you seen the marvelous Breadfish?  
>It's like an inverse sandwich<br>An awe for fishermen and sharks_," The fish sang before it hopped into Anton's arms. Anton then ate it.

"Not bad. Tastes like chicken," Anton commented. Ren then slowly awoke.

"The... The fish..." Ren said. The Careers screamed.

"No! Don't talk!" The Careers screamed before they all ran over to Ren and put their hands over Ren's mouth and nose.

"Close her eyes! There's a chance she can blink in Morse Code!" Storm ordered. Mason (Blackheart) facepalmed.

"Who blinks in Morse Code?!" Mason (Blackheart) cried. "If we never agreed to torture all of the non-Careers, none of this would be happening right now!"

Everyone grew silent.

"I'm just going to go see if my parents are home..." Leon said to the group before he knocked on the door. An okama answered.

"Oh, it's you. How is your study abroad program in Quebec doing?" The okama asked.

"Good. I met this one girl, Saison Marguerite, and I have to wonder... Is she actually from France?" Leon asked. Everyone sweatdropped. "Oh, papa, this is Le Party Wagon. We are going to Yukijima so we can go to Le Learning Annex."

"Leon, you're not speaking French. Not everything begins with 'Le'," Maeve said.

"It's my house! I do what I want, biatch!" Leon's okama father yelled. Everyone grew silent. "Leon, Wiffles and Louis went out for the night. You can let your friends come in, and we can play that one board game from Rhett and Link's one video."

Upon mention of Rhett and Link, Rhett shuddered.

"Oh, come on. Just because one-half of Rhett and Link has the same name as you does not mean you can have a bad feeling about this French crossdresser," Edmund explained to his younger brother.

"No, it's not that. Have you seen that one Rhett and Link video where they try to tell the difference between brand-named items and generic-brand items from Wal-mart?" Rhett asked as they entered the house.

"Oh, and don't touch my pile of Italian tires that's in the backyard. They were put on this Earth for a reason - To luxuriate in my backyard," Leon's okama father explained.

"I don't think 'luxuriate' is a word," Edmund pointed out.

"Clearly, you have not learned anything from Toddlers and Tiaras," Leon's okama father bluntly told Edmund.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, seven girls from the Party Wagon and seven boys from the Party Wagon sat at a card table, a board game set up. Everyone else stood on the sidelines.<p>

"If you are not Lés Peoples known as Jodie Walker, Aurelia Sarutobi, Ashley Moria, Meggie Fowler, Platinum Shade, Aomame Kirigaya, Mason Blackheart, Beal Myles, Pants Bullet, Miller Pratt, Asa Kotohiki, Llewellyn O'Dair, and Rhett Abingdon, leave this card table now before I call Le Police," Leon's okama father explained.

"That's not how you use the French article 'Le'," Rhett pointed out.

"You can go shut the [French llama] up and never speak of Raineesha the Italian Tire again," Leon's okama father said to Rhett. "You owe Raineesha an apology!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"How long will this game take?" Beal asked.

"Until daddy stops the car," Leon's okama father explained.

"And, that is?" Beal asked.

"When I say so."

"[Goose honking]," Beal cursed. Leon's okama father clapped his hands.

"Perfect! Let us now play... That One Game Rhett and Link Played!" Leon's okama father said. "Or, as I call it, The Weakest Link!"

"**Fact: When the inventor of the Pringles can died, his ashes were placed inside of a Pringles can**," Cube said.

"Everyone buys red Pringles cans because red is the color of Communism," Ren said to herself.

"Okay, pick a player. After that, we roll the dice to see who goes first. Males roll the red dice, and females roll the white dice. If you roll an even number, you have to then roll the role-playing dice to get another score. Then, the people with the RP dice add up the two scores and divide by 2. The person with the lowest score goes first, then the second-lowest, and so on," Leon's okama dad explained.

"Uhh... Got it? Not sure if I follow," Llewellyn said.

"Oh, and I choose who plays as what piece. This all depends on your preferences in a romantic relationship, favorite T.V. show, and what day of the week you wear black-colored panties or boxers," Leon's okama father explained. The game players sweatdropped.

"You don't need to know the first and third ones, but my favorite T.V. show is Jackass," Jodie explained. Maeve sweatdropped. "And Boku no Pico."

Everyone but the Careers and Leon's okama dad turned green.

"Don't knock it until you force other people to watch it while you film their reactions and post them to Youtube. It's quite fun," Mason (Blackheart) explained with a shrug.

"If I'm correct, the girl from District 5 - the one who you smashed into that wall - wants to sue you for posting that video of her reactions to Boku no Pico," Ebony explained.

"She enjoyed it. What girl doesn't enjoy yaoi?" Mason (Blackheart) said.

"You do know that Boku no Pico is an anime about a child molestor, right? It's basically the anime Michael Jackson would watch over and over," Locke asked.

"Okay, okay! Let's play... The Weakest Link!" Leon's okama dad yelled, changing the subject.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Ashley was the only player to have moved her game piece.<p>

"...And, then you must go back to start," Leon's okama dad explained. Ashley mumbled something incoherent as she moved her piece back. "Beal, you're next."

"Alright! Finally!" Beal yelled.

"But, first, you must play with my cell phone for fifteen minutes, according the rules of the game," Leon's okama father explained.

"[Dolphin chirp]," Beal yelled as he flipped over the table. Before any fighting could break out, a familiar face entered the house.

"Honey, I'm home!"

"Wiffles?! You're related to Leon?!" Maeve cried.

"It's a long story. My brother is a Vatican Assassin Ninja, and he's always trying to kill me for no reason," Leon explained. "When I was five, we got ice cream. Louis - my brother - drops his ice cream, and the next thing I know, I'm in the hospital. Do you know what happened?! They took my freakin' kidney!"

"Where can we get a Vatican Assassin Ninja?" Calamity asked. Then, a spear flew past him and ended up into the wall.

"Oh, shit, son! A sock monkey! Get in the car!" Leon screamed before he ran upstairs. Everyone else sweatdropped as the sound of clicking locks was heard upstairs.

"Your rooms are upstairs. Or downstairs, if downstairs bedrooms are pleasing to you," Leon's okama father explained. Without another word, everyone headed upstairs or somewhere else.

* * *

><p>The next morning, everyone was having breakfast, getting ready to see the sights of New France.<p>

"**Fact: Whales still have hip bones**," Cube said.

"Cube, whales don't have hips. Yes, Jodie, I can't wait to see Silver Spoon. Aoi, you shouldn't be watching Attack on Titan. Watch the Swimming Anime. Bullet, put that shovel down. We haven't even run into Ivankov," Maeve said. Leon's okama father then dropped the tray of crepes he was carrying.

"What?! What did you say?!" Leon's okama dad yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"I just told a member of my party to put his weapon down, as we didn't run into Ivankov," Maeve explained.

"Get out. Emporio Ivankov is not to be mentioned in this household," Leon's okama dad commanded.

"What's so bad about Ivankov?" Bullet asked. Leon whispered something to him. "Uhh... Thank God it isn't Molestia Monday."

"All of you, get out of my house. I hate Emporio Ivankov and this is an Emporio Ivankov-free zone," Leon's okama dad commanded. Everyone blinked. "You think I'm joking? I am going to call the police on all of you if you don't leave now!"

The next thing the Party Wagon knew, they were leaving New France.

"Sorry I got you kicked out of your dad's house, Leon," Bullet said.

"It's okay. We needed to leave anyway," Leon said with a shrug.

"Does this mean the okamas are going to find us?" Ren asked.

"OMG, Ren, we're going to look for Hancock, NOT Ivankov. Chances are, employees for The Learning Annex are going to come after us, not transvestites," Ashley explained. Everyone grew silent.

"Now what?" Ebony asked, kicking a rock for no reason.

"Fuck bitches, get -" Linus said before Platinum kicked him really hard in the crotch. The other females in the party lined up. "I don't like where this is going..."

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

The Party Wagon stood in front of Leon's house, even though Leon's okama dad threatened to call the cops on them.

"Hi, I'm Locke Sarutobi. Times have gotten tough here in All About Halifax," Locke explained.

"The Learning Annex is becoming a monopoly in this nation. Is nothing sacred?!" Ren cried.

"So, this is why -" Locke said.

"We decided -" Miller added.

"To -" Jin-Mao added.

"Complete -" Maeve added.

"Each other's -" Kazura added.

"Sentences!" The Party Wagon cried.

"For money!" The Careers added.

"Some people -" Nigel started.

"Get paid to start a sentence -" Teru added.

"And other people -" Thorn added.

"Get paid to finish them," Shen finished before he fell back asleep.

"In fact -" Aldwin said.

"We're getting paid to do this -" Anton added.

"Right now!" Jodie, Aoi, Bullet, Leon, and Cube said.

"If we have everyone in All About Halifax -" Greta said.

"Complete each other's sentences -" Llewellyn added.

"Times wouldn't be so tough here," Fallon added.

"You can make upwards of -" Rhett started.

"Twenty bucks -" Indie added.

"Per sentence -" Amelia added.

"Per hour -" Stella-Rondo finished.

"Wait... This doesn't -" Jodie said.

"Make sense? I know," Linus finished.

"So -" Aomame said.

"Complete -" Ashley added.

"Somebody's -" Bullet added.

"Sentence -" Damian added.

"Today!" Both Masons yelled as they jumped into the air.

"You'll be -" Yukari said.

"Glad you did," Beal finished. Everyone grew silent.

"Are we actually getting paid for this?" Edmund asked. The authoress just laughed.

"No," The authoress said.

"Fuck!" Edmund yelled.

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>Back in Yukijima, the Capricorns and Straw Hats were eating breakfast at the breakfast bar together.<p>

"Guys! We should assassinate Hancock!" Chopper yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"Why would we do that?" Nami asked.

"Because then the Shichibukai will cut ties with the Learning Annex!" Chopper yelled.

"Uhh... Chopper, I think you'd have to kill ALL of the Shichibukai in order for that to happen," Wolfgang explained. A police siren then went off.

"Tony Tony Chopper and Wolfgang Katsuragi, please come with us."

Hancock, Marigold, Sandersonia, Margaret, and Alphandra, who were all dressed as slutty cops, approached the table. Everyone screamed.

"Save me, Joffery Baratheon!" Nami yelled.

* * *

><p>With the Party Wagon, they stopped to have lunch in a forest.<p>

"What's with all of these forests?" Maeve asked.

"I think the authoress got lazy with describing her surroundings," Kazura said.

"I think she also got lazy with catering. We only have one piece of food left, and it's a ham sandwich," Bullet said as he pulled out a sandwich, which was already bitten into. "Hey! Who ate my sandwich?!"

"Wasn't me," Everyone said.

"Looks like we're going to have to rough it. Who wants to chip in money for pizza?" Jin-Mao asked everyone.

"Are you stupid? I can't even get cell reception up here!" Locke cried.

"I know how to forage for edible plants, nuts, and berries. My mom made me learn that stuff for the Hunger Games," Calamity said.

"Your mom is lame," Mason (Blackheart) retorted. "Plus, you live in District 4, the beach. How do you find edible plants there?!"

"Seaweed IS edible. So are beach nuts," Calamity explained. "Plus, there's a little thing called 'the internet'. Districts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 have them, and only the wealthy of Districts 7-12 have them."

"Okay, since I don't want to risk my life eating flowers, we can wait until the next town to eat," Kazura said. Then, Kazura saw some high-rises on the horizon. "Civilization!"

Kazura ran toward the high-rises. Everyone sweatdropped.

"According to this GPS I randomly found just now, we're approaching the city of House Tully of Riverrun. It is on the River Song River, and they have casinos" Beal said as he showed an Etch-a-Sketch to everyone.

"Where did you get that?" Aomame asked.

"One of those dollar stores," Beal said. His Etch-a-Sketch then spontaneously combusted. "Ow! Burning plastic!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"I have burn medicine," Aomame said.

* * *

><p>After catching up with Kazura, the Party Wagon decided to stop at Denny's for food.<p>

"Swiggity swennys, we're at Denny's!" Jin-Mao announced to everyone sitting at the large table that somehow fit everyone.

"Welcome to Denny's! May I take your orders?" Spandam asked.

"I'll have the pancakes!" Maeve said.

"You know what? Just get us everything on the menu. We're short on time and hungry," Kazura said.

"I can get everyone a Grand Slammich, which is a sandwich with every item on the menu," Spandam explained.

"Screw that! I want pancakes!" Maeve yelled.

"I can slip some pancakes into your Grand Slammich," Spandam suggested. Everyone got up.

"On second thought, we're gonna go to Red Lobster," Kazura said. A few minutes later, the Party Wagon arrived at Red Lobster.

"Oh, boy! I get to have Cheddar Bay biscuits!" Maeve said in excitement.

"Me too!" Mason (Sarutobi) said in agreement. "The cheddar biscuits are awesomesauce!"

"**Fact: Oregon is the only state whose state flag has two different designs on each side**," Cube said. Spandine, their waiter, approached the table.

"Welcome to Red Lobter. May I -" Spandine said before Maeve, Aleksandar, Mason (Sarutobi), Bullet, Aldwin, Leira, Fallon, Beal, Storm, Lien, Thorn, Dane, Alistair, Hugh, and Patrick cut him off.

"Cheddar Bay biscuits!"

"I'm sorry, but we're out of the Cheddar Bay biscuits," Spandine said before ripping himself into two, revealing that it was actually Spandam in a Spandine suit. "But, I can bring you guys a tray of some piping hot Grand Slammiches."

Everyone grew pale.

"On second thought, we're not hungry," Kazura said before the Party Wagon bolted from Red Lobster.

* * *

><p>"We're short on money. We're going to McDonald's."<p>

That was the announcement from Edmund as the Party Wagon aimlessly wandered through a food court inside of House Tully of Riverrun's many casino resorts.

"Oh, for the love of [Honey Boo Boo]! [Campground] McDonald's to [soda machine]! [Laptops]!" Bullet swore. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Bullet, I didn't understand a word you said," Maeve said.

"Oh, for the love of [Billy Mays]! McDonald's can go suck my [motorcycle]!" Bullet yelled.

"That's a little better," Maeve said.

"What are we going to do about the money?" Pomponia asked.

"Did somebody say they needed cash?"

A familiar face approached the Party Wagon, and Leon kicked him in the balls.

"You bastard! Because of you, we got kicked out of my house!" Leon yelled. Everyone ran over to Leon, trying to see who he kicked down.

"Ivankov?!" Everyone said. The transvestite got up and brushed himself off.

"That's right! Welcome to Newkama Land Hotel and Casino! Would you guys like some jobs?" Ivankov asked.

"No shit, Sherlock! We need the money!" Maeve yelled.

"Maeve, you have to think before you accept a job offer from a transvestite. Especially if it concerns employment at a resort/casino," Kazura explained.

"Too late, hipster. I will take this girl to be interviewed by me for jobs," Ivankov said to Kazura before he dragged Maeve away.

* * *

><p>After a job interview consisting of playing with Legos, Ivankov was explaining the rules of Newkama Land Hotel and Casino.<p>

"Okay, rule number one - Party all the time," Ivankov said. "Rule number two - Cocaine everywhere."

"Cocaine?" Maeve asked.

"Yes, cocaine. On the ceiling, in the dishwasher, all over my stripper costumes, everything," Ivankov explained. "Rule number three - Re-use printer paper. Print on both sides. I'm not made of money."

Several people facepalmed.

"The tone of these rules seems inconsistent," Ashley pointed out.

"Rule number four - Business lunch. Let's go to Red Lobster," Ivankov said. Everyone in the Party Wagon facepalmed.

"No thanks. Red Lobster is an example of how Denny's is manipulating the restaurant industry," Ren said. Ivankov sweatdropped.

"Anyway... Maeve, Damian, Platinum, Aomame, Bullet, you have first shift at the buffet," Ivankov said. "Everyone else... Mason and Ebony have kitchen duty! Calamity and Storm, you have lifeguard stuff to do! Beal, you have a poker torunament to rig - I mean, run! Everyone else can do maid duty!"

The next thing Maeve, Damian, Platnium, Aomame, and Bullet knew was that they were at the buffet. Except, it was part strip club and somebody was blasting _Fantastic Baby _by the Korean boy band Big Bang.

"_Boom shaka-laka. Boom shaka-laka. Boom shaka-laka_," Maeve sang to the song as she wiped down a table. "Hey! These people left behind a perfectly good plate of cheese fries!"

Maeve pulled a plate of cheese fries from under the table. Aomame - who was working the closest to Maeve - sweatdropped.

"I wouldn't eat those," Aomame said.

"Hey, sexy lady! Oppan Gangnam Style! I mean - Those are my cheese fries!"

Two girls and a guy ran up to Aomame and Maeve.

"Finders keepers," Maeve said with a shrug. The guy sighed as he turned to Aomame.

"At least you're hot and you didn't try and steal my cheese fries," The guy said. Aomame took off her shoe and used it to slap the boy across the face.

"Wait, Aomame, what are you doing?! Aomame, stahp!" Maeve yelled. Aomame turned to Maeve. "I know them. They're my friends - Basil Le'Ursa - who you just bitch-slapped with a shoe -, Jade Collins, and Alissa Port."

Aomame slowly put her shoe back on.

"So, Maeve, what are you doing here?" Jade asked. One one explanation later...

"So... If we don't save the Capricorns and Straw Hats, they'll be whored out?" Alissa asked. Maeve nodded. "That's it. I'm joining this Party Wagon you speak of. I need to get me some pirate gold."

"I'll go, too. I owe Robin a favor, and I feel that this is the best way of dealing with it. But, I WILL make this clear - I WILL NOT tolerate ANY dancing cupcakes during this rescue mission," Jade explained.

"I'm going to watch women kick ass," Basil said. Everyone slapped Basil. "I mean, I'm going to help everyone kick ass."

"That's the spirit," Maeve said.

"**Fact: Leonard Maltin's review of the 1948 film _Isn't it Romantic? _consisted of one word - 'No', which was said in response to the film's title,**" Cube said.

"Sounds like something Grumpy Cat would say about the film," Maeve commented.

* * *

><p>Two days later, the Party Wagon had enough money to continue on. Basil, Jade, and Alissa also decided to join them.<p>

"Leaving already? Don't you want to stay?" Ivankov asked.

"We can't. It's an emergency involving The Learning Annex. People are in grave danger," Maeve explained. Ivankov screamed like a girl and passed out. The Careers and Alissia walked over to the passed-out Ivankov and looked through his pockets.

"I found his iPhone," Damian said as he unlocked the iPhone. "Works like new."

"Put that back. It was probably in a gay stripper's panties," Platinum demanded.

"It was in his hair!" Damian cried. Platninum glared at Damian, who pouted. "Fine, I'll put it back."

Mason (Blackheart) and Calamity snickered as Damian put the iPhone into Ivankov's afro.

"Can I have the iPhone?!" Maeve asked.

"No! It was probably in some tranny's panties!" Alissa yelled.

"Did somebody say 'tranny'?"

Doflamingo then descended from the ceiling. Everyone sweatdropped.

"**Fact: Pepsi was originally called 'Brad's Drink'**," Cube said.

"Uhh... What's going on?" Kazura asked.

"Come with me! We shall steal Halloween and make it 'National Learning Annex Day'!" Doflamingo announced. Everyone sweatdropped.

"What drugs are you on?" Aldwin asked. Doflamingo then picked Aldwin up and put him in a Hammerspace bag.

"My hair gives me the power to kidnap everyone!" Doflamingo yelled as he stuffed various members of the Party Wagon into the bag.

"Ooh! I can see up Aomame's skirt in here!" Basil yelled from inside the bag as Doflamingo placed Bullet inside of the bag. "Ick! Now I can taste Bullet's shoe! It tastes like gum that was stuck to the sidewalk and wet toilet paper!"

Doflamingo then picked up Maeve.

"Remember me as a patriot!" Maeve yelled as Doflamingo placed her into the bag. Doflamingo's watch then beeped.

"Shit, I'm behind schedule," Doflamingo commented as he turned to the Libras, the only people he didn't put in his bag. "If you want, you can come down to New District 12 to watch the Miss Learning Annex Beauty Pageant."

"Pass," Kazura said. Doflamingo pouted and screamed out random gibberish.

"I hate you! Shun the non-believer! Shun! Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" Doflamingo screamed before he ran away. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Anybody know a good coffee shop around here? We could be here a while," Kazura asked.

* * *

><p>"<em>I'm sorry. I can't find the iPhone of Foley Maeve<em>."

Later that afternoon, the Libras sat at a coffee shop, using Kazura's iPhone to try and find the rest of the Party Wagon.

"Thanks a lot, Siri! You really do care! Not!" Edmund yelled.

"Excuse me, but did you mention 'Siri'?"

The Libras turned back, and they saw another pirate crew.

"Yeah. I hate Siri. We're trying to find somebody, and Siri isn't helping," Edmund explained. The leader of the group grabbed the iPhone and pressed a few buttons.

"_The iPhone of Foley Maeve is in New District 12, All About Halifax_."

The leader placed the iPhone onto the table.

"Thanks," Kazura said as he pocked his iPhone. "What did you do?"

"The Find my iPhone app," The leader explained. "Oh, wait, did I introduce myself? My name is Paty. This is Lian, Sara, Raymond, Vani, Mele, Pris, Anne, and Liz. We're the Pantless Pirates!"

The Libras blinked.

"Why are you guys called the 'Pantless Pirates'?" Kazura asked.

"Because I thought it was awesome," Paty said.

"Okay..." Yukari said.

"Do you know how to get to New District 12?" Kazura asked.

"Sure. In fact, why don't you come with us? We're finishing up our vacation here in All About Halifax, and our boat is docked in Yukijima. New District 12 is on the way there," Raymond explained.

"Perfect. We need to get to Yukijima, too. Let's just say that we have an emergency we need to attend to, and the Learning Annex is responsible," Kazura explained.

"Hancock kidnapped people?" Lian asked.

"Yep," Kazura answered.

* * *

><p>That afternoon, the Pantless and the Libras arrived in New District 12.<p>

"Maeve? Maeve?! Where are you, Maeve?!" The Libras and the Pantless called out.

"Try the Holiday Inn Express."

Monet approached them.

"Why there?" Kazura asked.

"I don't know. But, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night," Monet said with a shrug.

* * *

><p>At the Holiday Inn Express, the Miss Learning Annex Beauty Pageant was in full swing. Unlike all of the other pageant competitors who wore pimped-out dresses, Maeve wore the street clothes Doflamingo kidnapped her in.<p>

"Heh. Arrested Development is so funny," Maeve commented as she watched Arrested Development on her iPhone. "Yes, Aoi, this is a great show. Jodie, there's always money in the banana stand. No, Bullet, that's a dead dove. Don't eat that. Leon, it's called Arrested Development because the dad got arrested and the family lives in a housing development. Cube, tell me fun facts about this show later."

"Nice iPhone."

One of the judges walked up to Maeve.

"Thanks," Maeve said as she pocked the iPhone. She looked to the judge, who wore a name tag that said "Hello, my name is Anna". "So... Anna, come here often?"

"Just for this competition, #42," Anna answered.

"It's Maeve," Maeve corrected. "Anyway, I'm here to rescue the Straw Hat Pirates and the Capricorn Pirates from the evil known as the Shichibukai's partnership with The Learning Annex. I've raised an army, and we're on our way to Yukijima to save everyone."

Anna screamed.

"Let me join your army! Do you know who Daisuke Saburo is?!" Anna screamed.

"Well, duh! Daisuke Saburo is my bestie!" Maeve yelled.

"I'm in love with Daisuke! I know I hate pirates like him, but I want to fu[eat cake]k with him so hard, his [Nintendo DS] feels all [let's buy some pancakes] and [what kind of censors are these?]!" Anna yelled. Maeve sweatdropped.

"You use some very colorful words," Maeve observed.

"**Fact: The state of Wyoming only has two escalators - One is at a mall, the other is at an airport**," Cube said. An airhorn went off.

"That's your cue for the talent portion. Just do it," Anna said before Maeve walked onto the stage.

"_Here's contestant #42... Foley Maeve!_"

Maeve looked out to the audience, which only consisted of the Party Wagon and the Pantless and the Libras, who were just getting into the room. Everyone was silent.

"Do something!" Calamity yelled from the back of the room. Maeve began to sweat.

"I... Uhh... I blue myself!" Maeve yelled before she ran out of the room. The rest of the Party Wagon and Anna followed suit.

"_Uhh... Wow. Up next is contestant #43, Mavis Vermillion, who will be doing a striptease to the classic Shirley Temple song 'Animal Crackers in my Soup'. Did we mention it was the dubstep version of the same song?_"

* * *

><p>With the Straw Hats and the Capricorns...<p>

"Our stiuation is hopeless. Let's surrender now," Nami said.

"Surrender now?! Nami, you need to eat a cupcake. We can't surrender at this point," Zoro explained. Hatori began waving around a white flag a la the Leekspin.

"Put that away! We're going on television to solve our problems!" Nami announced.

"How is that going to solve anything?" Usopp asked.

"I thought we were going to surrender," Zoro said. The next thing he knew, the two crews were at a public access television station.

"Thanks for doing this, guys," Sanji said to Law, Bonney, Smoker, and Tashigi.

"No prob. We were bored anyway," Law said.

"Did you come here for the Learning Annex?" Dewey asked innocently.

"Dewey!" The Capricorns yelled. Smoker lit up a cigar.

"Let's get this over with," Smoker said as he retreated behind a camera. "Lights, camera... Action!"

Nami cleared her throat.

"Hello. Are you at Yukijima this week to attend the seminar put on by Boa Hancock as part of The Learning Annex? If so, leave now and never go to another lecture Hancock does. If you are asked by her to go to her lectures, say 'no' and leave the island you are on ASAP. She will harass you if you don't do this..." Nami said into the camera. In the studio next door, Hancock was also filming, but to advertise The Learning Annex.

"...And, that is why you should attend my next Learning Annex lecutre on my sphere of influence," Hancock said into the camera. "Mention promo code 'Hot sex' in order to recieve a 20% discount from your ticket price."

"Cut!"

Hancock flipped her hair in a fabulous manner.

"And, that is why I'm fabulous," Hancock said to her cameraman, A.A.A.

"Do I get paid for this?" A.A.A. asked.

"Maybe I'll pay you with my new self-help book _How to be the Princess of Your Local Victoria's Secret_," Hancock explained.

"No, caller #72! You can't go to Hancock's lectures at The Learning Annex! They're bad!"

A few minutes later, Hancock had the Capricorns and the Straw Hats tied up.

"You see, viewers, this is what happens when you refuse to attend my lectures at The Learning Annex," Hancock said as she motioned to the Capricorns and the Straw Hats. "Now, should you decide to rescue these rebels, let me tell you this - I WILL make you a slave of Amazon Lily."

In a hotel room in New District 12, Maeve watched Hancock's public access show about her lectures with The Learning Annex.

"**Fact: Trace amounts of Valium can be found in wheat and potatoes**," Cube said.

"Screw Hancock and her tequila taters! She's the reason why I'm going to Yukijima!" Maeve yelled. "In fact, Jodie, Aoi, Bullet, Cube, we're going ahead of everyone! They can meet up with us in Yukijima!"

"Maeve, you can't do that. You're leading the -" Aoi said before Maeve cut her off.

"Aldwin will lead in my place! He's like that one Portlandia sketch about Sacagawea!" Maeve yelled. In the room next door, Aldwin sneezed.

"That's it. No more kitten bubbles for you," Anton murmred in his sleep.

* * *

><p>"Maeve is missing?!"<p>

That is what everyone in the Party Wagon said the next morning when they discovered that Maeve left.

"Yeah... Apparently, she left for Yukijima without us and she wants me to lead the Party Wagon until we get to Yukijima," Aldwin explained.

"Oi, who died and made you leader?!" Beal yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Did you not just hear Aldwin? Maeve ran away without us," Terrance explained.

"Guess we have to go find her..." Kazura said. "What's the next city?"

"Old Viridian City. Then, the town after that is 221B Baker Street, and then, Yukijima," Jade said as she looked up a map. "Perfect. We're almost to Yukijima."

"Learning Annex job, here we come!" Platinum said to her fellow Careers.

* * *

><p>Later in the afternoon, Maeve arrived in Old Viridian City, a city that was totally not One Piece's version of Las Vegas.<p>

"Wow. This must be One Piece's version of Las Vegas," Maeve commented.

"...You're breaking the fourth wall again, Maeve. Stop that," Aoi said.

"Speak for yourself, Aoi," Maeve said as they entered the Hotel and Casino of the Daleks, a Blatant Rip-Off of the MGM Grand Las Vegas.

"Why do the Daleks own the MGM Grand?" Jodie asked.

"I don't know, but Ren WILL go into cardiac arrest if she goes here," Maeve said.

"Maeve, the Daleks are from Doctor Who. I doubt they have the time to run a casino resort," Bullet said.

"**Fact: Steven Moffat is Doctor Who's first straight guy to produce the show since 1979**," Cube said.

"Did somebody say 'Doctor Who'?"

Maeve turned around and saw... The Capricorns, who were all dressed in formal wear.

"ZOMG! Capricorns!" Aoi yelled.

"Ehmahgerd! Cepricernz!" Maeve yelled.

"Sacré bleu! Capricorns!" Leon yelled.

"Oh, my God! We found the Capricorns!" Jodie yelled.

"Holy fuck! It's the Capricorns!" Bullet yelled.

"**Fact: Japanese samurai burned incense in their helmets so that if they were decapitated in battle, their heads would smell good**," Cube said.

"What are you doing here, Maeve?! You know Yukijima is dangerous!" Hana cried.

"I saw Hancock's show! All of you were kidnapped and tied up!" Maeve yelled.

"Oh, that? Hancock left us behind afterward to attend a lecture, so we escaped," Enlai said apathetically.

"What about the Straw Hats?!" Maeve cried.

"She took them," Hana answered. Maeve sighed as the Capricorns grew silent.

"Awesome. Time for the party," Daisuke said.

"What party?" Maeve asked. "And why are you celebrating the fact that you left my crew behind when you fled Yukijima?"

And, that is how Maeve ended up at a large party the Capricorns were throwing at their large suite.

"Jodie... I want Miller," Maeve said.

"Why Miller?" Jodie asked.

"Because he knows what to do in this situation," Maeve said. Five seconds later, Maeve's iPhone went off, and she turned it on speakerphone. "Talk to me, unless you're a telemarketer."

"_Maeve, I don't know what to do in this situation. I'm not partying it up with the Capricorns in an expensive hotel room right now._"

Maeve sweatdropped.

"Santa?" Maeve asked. The person on the other line grew silent.

"_It's me, Maeve. Miller Pratt. You were just talking about me ten seconds ago._"

"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)," Maeve said. Miller grew silent.

"_Mason says 'hi' and '( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)'._ _I have no idea what it means, but - Are they playing fucking Pitbull?! Pitbull?!_"

"Pitbull AND Enrique Iglesias," Maeve answered.

"_No, no, no. Turn this poor excuse for music OFF! Tell Yuki-Rin or Wolfgang or whoever the DJ is that they have no taste in music! Better yet, go tell the DJ he can go put on The Black Keys! At least The Black Keys understand me!_"

"Miller, I -" Maeve said before Miller hung up. "Well, that was helpful. Not."

"I want Beal! And Pomponia! And Citron and Cable! And Fallon!" Jodie cried.

"I'm not even going to try calling them," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>With the rest of the Party Wagon, they were staying in a motel just outside of Old Viridian City.<p>

"I can't believe you swore!" Mason (Sarutobi) yelled, holding back laughter. Miller just sighed.

"You know I hate Pitbull. And Katy Perry. And Taylor Swift. Especially Taylor Swift, since that little lady needs to stop sleepin' around with other guys," Miller explained.

"In other words, if Taylor Swift wasn't a slut and didn't bag on hipsters, I think she would look at least halfway decent," Daruma said. The rest of the Libras glared at the assassin.

"Daruma... What have we told you about mainstream celebrities?" Yukari asked. Zoro then appeared and began walking around in circles. The Libras sweatdropped.

"My spoon is too big!" Zoro said derpily.

* * *

><p>"<strong>Fact: Oysters can change their genders.<strong>"

With Cube's fun fact, Maeve awoke the next morning in the Capricorns' hotel room, with the Capricorns themselves gone.

"They left?! How could they?!" Maeve cried.

"Hancock probably found them," Bullet said.

"Or, the cops busted them and they took their party elsewhere," Jodie said.

"Jodie's theory is more plausible. Let's go find the Capricorns," Maeve said.

"Mine makes more sense!" Bullet cried.

"Do you really think she's going to cancel her Learning Annex lectures over this? No. She loves the Learning Annex like King Curtis loves bacon," Maeve explained. "We're staying here, and we're looking for the Capricorns!" (4)

Maeve then left the room. She returned a few seconds later.

"Forgot my iPhone," Maeve said before she exited the hotel room. She re-entered it a minute later. "Oh, wait, that was the bathroom."

Maeve then exited the hotel room from a different door. She, once again, re-entered the room a few seconds later.

"Damn it, Leon! That was a closet!" Maeve cursed before she - finally - exited the hotel room and entered the hallway. Not even a second later, Maeve re-entered the room.

"Am I in the right place? Yeah," Maeve said before she exited the room. Several minutes later, much to the annoyance of everyone reading this, Maeve re-entered the room.

"Not again!" Light and Dark Luffyko cried. Maeve just shrugged.

"U mad?" Maeve asked trollingly before she left the room. Light Luffyko sighed.

"_Let's cut to an intermission so Maeve doesn't come back in_."

* * *

><p><strong>Second Intermission<strong>

Light Luffyko and Dark Luffyko sat in the Capricorns' fancy hotel room. In the background, Wiffles the Flamethrower was propped up against the doorway, preventing Maeve from possible re-entering the room.

"Hi, we're Light Luffyko and Dark Luffyko. We're here in the middle of the 100th Chapter Special in order to deliver an important public service announcement," Light Luffyko explained.

"As you may or may not know, Oxysertia D. Yuki-Rin wants to write a parody of the book _War and Peace_, which will be appropriately titled _War and Peace - I Mean, One Piece_. Do you know what that means? This means that Oxysertia D. Yuki-Rin is going to parody one of the world's longest and most confusing books ever," Dark Luffyko explained.

"It's no Game of Thrones, since Oxysertia D. Yuki-Rin is a fan of GoT and knows who is who. With _War and Peace_, there are absolutely no guides to help her out. Not even Crib Notes OR Sparknotes," Light Luffyko explained.

"Yeah, they have Sparknotes for that."

Stella-Rondo entered the main room from another room.

"Oh, hey, Stella-Rondo," Light Luffyko said casually as the artist left the room. "Anyway... If anybody has a classical novel, come to Oxysertia D. Yuki-Rin and tell her to parody that instead of _War and Peace_."

"Plus, if you ask nicely, she may parody _The Thorn Birds _or even _Gone With the Wind_, if you like," Dark Luffyko said with a wink. "Anyway, suggest a classical novel today. You'll be glad you did."

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, Maeve was on the Old Viridian City monorail, looking for the Capricorns.<p>

"**Fact: The Greyhound is the only dog breed mentioned in the Bible**," Cube said as Maeve looked outside to the skyline of Old Viridian City. The monorail then came to a stop as passengers got on and off.

"I think I see Kazuma," Jodie said.

"No, Jodie, that's a Kazuma cosplayer," Maeve said, referring to the cosplayer in the blonde dreadlocks who had a sword strapped to him.

"Excuse me, can I sit here? Or, is this Jodie person sitting here?"

Maeve looked up, and she saw a brown-haired girl. Maeve shrugged.

"Go ahead," Maeve said. The girl sat down. "So... What are you doing here?"

"Having fun," The girl said with a shrug. "I'm Andy. What's your name?"

"Maeve. I also have some voices in my head, and they're named Aoi, Jodie, Bullet, Leon, and Cube. They sometimes appear in real life," Maeve said. Andy sweatdropped.

"So... Maeve, what brings you to this bastardization of Las Vegas?" Andy asked.

"I need to save people from Boa Hancock," Maeve answered casually.

"That sounds like a lot of fun! Can I tag along?!" Andy asked.

"Of course! We just have to wait for my people!" Maeve said.

* * *

><p>That afternoon, Andy and Maeve were waiting for the Party Wagon. By that, I mean "they were watching street performers".<p>

"_And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII III will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!_" Buggy - who was dressed in drag, complete with fake boobs - sang.

"This is quality," Maeve commented.

"This is fun! You can't get this anywhere else!" Andy commented.

"**Fact: Saudi Arabia has a ban on everything having to do with Christmas, including Santa Claus**," Cube said.

"There you are, Maeve! Why did you go ahead of us?!"

The rest of the Party Wagon approached them.

"Well, that escalated quickly," Maeve commented, slapping her cheek with her hand. "Oh, this is Andy. She wants to have some fun."

Damian, Mason (Blackheart), and Calamity grinned.

"We can give you a good time..." Calamity said creepily. Andy just bitch-slapped the Career from District 4.

"No thanks," Andy said. "Anyway..."

"Let's leave this place in the morning. We'll arrive in Yukijima tomorrow or the next day," Kazura said.

* * *

><p>"What the [side table farmer] do you mean we aren't at Yukijima?!"<p>

It was the next night, and the Party Wagon was approaching the small town of 221B Baker Street.

"It wasn't my fault that we had to chase away those giant pigeons who tried to take Jade away. I apologize if I have anything to do with this," Aldwin said.

"You didn't. It was mainly my fault. Who knew giant pigeons loved the Tenth Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver?" Beal asked.

"Golly gee cheese whiz! You're the Tenth Doctor, Beal?!" Maeve yelled.

"No. I just look like him," Beal said.

"[D. Gray-man and ketchup]," Maeve swore.

"Looks like I have to go on Yelp to find a hotel. Any suggestions?" Kazura asked.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Party Wagon arrived at the Bluth Banana Stand Motel.<p>

"_If your wife is looking bent because your car has a dent, call McDowell's. Call McDowell's_," Maeve sang as they entered the lobby. (5)

"Welcome to the Bluth Banana Stand Motel! Are you checking in?" Makino, the receptionist, asked everyone.

"We'd like some rooms for the night," Anton said. Several minutes of checking members of the Party Wagon in later, the Libras and Maeve were left without a room.

"What?! I thought you had enough rooms for everyone!" Kazura cried.

"All of your friends took them. I am very sorry," Makino explained. Maeve then touched Makino's cheek.

"_If your wife is looking bent because your car has a dent, call McDowell's. Call McDowell's_," Maeve sang to Makino, who slapped Maeve across the cheek.

"I'm sorry! I've never seen Rhett and Link's local commercial show!" Makino apologized. The Libras and Maeve sweatdropped.

"**Fact: Jack Gleason played the little boy in the movie _Batman Returns _before he played Joffery Baratheon in Game of Thrones,**" Cube said.

"So, you're saying the cute kid in that one Batman movie became that Baratheon prick in Game of Thrones? No. Just no. So glad I'm a Marvel comics fan," Jin-Mao said. A Thor cape appeared on Daiyu's shoulders as a Thor hammer appeared in her hands.

"Avengers, assemble!" Daiyu yelled. "We must find lodgings for the night!"

"We can be of assistance."

Saint Sarutobi II, Mrs. Sarutobi, and Louis the sock monkey entered the motel. Leon screamed.

"Aah! Sideshow Bob!" Leon screamed before he fainted. Everyone sweatdropped as a can opener flew out of nowhere and stabbed Cosmo in the shoulder.

"Fairy Godparents!" Cosmo shouted.

"Oh, no! Cosmo's water broke! The baby is coming!" Aoi yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Wow, Aoi. Just... Wow," Bullet commented.

* * *

><p>After a trip to the hospital, the Libras and Maeve ended up at the Sarutobi house. Currently, they were having a dinner consisting of meatloaf and potatoes.<p>

"Oh, boy, papa! We can finally eat cheese again!" Mrs. Sarutobi - who suddenly had rosy cheeks and big eyes - said happily. The Libras sweatdropped.

"**Fact: Lake Tahoe has recorded snowfall in all twelve months,**" Cube said.

"Guys, where is Wes Anderson with the camera?" Rhett asked.

"Don't ask for Wes Anderson and his cameras. He won't come," Edmund explained.

"So... Do you like anime?" Lien asked his grandparents.

"Anime? Bitch, ain't nobody got time for that," Saint Sarutobi II said.

"We prefer classic movies," Mrs. Sarutobi said stiffly.

"Like the Harry Potter movies?" Maeve asked.

"No. In fact, who wants to watch _Gone With the Wind_?" Mrs. Sarutobi asked.

"That movie's, like, four or five hours. We don't have time for that," Amelia pointed out. "I don't care that my twin brother is named after Rhett Butler, we have people to save and a Shichibukai to bring down."

"I thought I was named after Rhett of Rhett and Link," Rhett said.

"Your entire life has been a lie, Rhett Ashley Lincoln Double Rainbow Abingdon. You sit on a throne of lies," Aoi said. Everyone grew silent.

"Ignore her. She's only twelve," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>Five hours later...<p>

"When will this movie end?!" Everyone but Saint Sarutobi II and his wife cried as they watched _Gone With the Wind_.

"Knife Party!"

A knife flew past Leon's head and landed in the wall behind him.

"Moffat - I mean, Louis..." Leon said to himself.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras and Maeve prepared to leave Saint Sarutobi II, his wife, and a murderous sock monkey behind.<p>

"Leaving so soon? I made blueberry muffins," Mrs. Sarutobi asked.

"We actually need to be in Yukijima by this afternoon. No, we do not need a ride," Locke explained. Saint Sarutobi II and his wife frowned. "Also, Louis keeps trying to kill us."

"Boom! Hunger Games!" Louis shouted as he jumped out of the bushes behind Miller. Miller screamed.

"I need an adult! Mama! Daddy! Grandpappy! Cousin Annalese! Patrick Carney and Dan Auerbach!" Miller cried. Everyone sweatdropped for the billionth time on this voyage.

"**Fact: The band ABBA had to negotiate their naming rights with a canned fish company**," Cube said. Maeve said nothing as she led everyone away.

"That was a weird night, Jodie. Yes, Aoi, _Gone With the Wind _is boring. Bullet, we can make our parody of _Gone With the Wind _after we leave this crazy place. Leon, I don't know why Louis Richard is now Louis Sarutobi. Cube, I want fish now," Maeve said as they approached the rest of the Party Wagon.

"Rough night?" Aldwin asked. Maeve just nodded. "At least you weren't tested for Legionnaire's Disease just because you walked by the pool."

"At least you didn't have several attempts made on your life by a sock monkey, be forced to watch _Gone With the Wind_, or take Cosmo and Leon to the hospital," Maeve said. Everyone grew silent.

"So... Yukijima is just a few hours away," Meggie said.

"Awesomesauce. We'll arrive there in the afternoon," Maeve said.

"Hell yeah!" Anna yelled as she fist-pumped, Jersey Shore-style. "For Daisuke!"

"For our new job torturing random people with strippers and Lady Gaga!" The Careers shouted.

"For money!" Alissa yelled.

"For Robin's favor!" Jade yelled.

"For panties - I mean, boobies - I mean, fuck!" Basil yelled.

"For fun!" Andy yelled.

"For the sake of Moria!" Ashley yelled.

"For Liberating All About Halifax from The Learning Annex and its occult prophecies!" Ren yelled.

"For getting back to our ship!" The Pantless Pirates yelled.

"For getting this crazy adventure over with!" Aldwin yelled.

"For strippers at the Learning Annex!" Linus yelled. Greta then bitch-slapped Linus. "I mean, for the Capricorns!"

"For the Capricorns!" The Aries, Aquariuses, and Taurus echoed.

"For the - Do we have to say it?" Kazura asked.

"Say it, or else something bad happens," Maeve said. Kazura sighed.

"For the Capricorns," The Libras said unenthusiastically.

"For the Straw Hats!" Maeve yelled.

"For anime!" Aoi yelled.

"For Cloud Cakes!" Jodie yelled.

"For Lampshade Hangings!" Bullet yelled.

"For getting my assassin brother arrested!" Leon yelled.

"**Fact: Koalas are marsupials,**" Cube said.

"I can take off my panties!" Shen yelled in his sleep. Maeve stuck out her hand.

"All for one..." Maeve said as everyone else placed their hands over Maeve's hands.

"And one for all!"

* * *

><p>That afternoon, the Party Wagon arrived in Yukijima.<p>

"_Marukaite chikyuu,  
>Marukaite chikyuu,<br>Marukaite chikyuu  
>Boku Hetalia!<em>" The Party Wagon sang as they skipped into Yukijima. Maeve's cell phone then rang.

"Pickles!" Maeve swore as she answered the phone. "Hello? A.A.A., what are you doing?! A.A.A., no! That's not right! A.A.A., stahp!"

Maeve hung up.

"Guys, we have some bad news. My Sitcom Arch Nemesis, A.A.A., is allied with Hancock, and she has the Straw Hats in her custody and the Capricorns are going to be pimped out tonight at the grand opening of Hancock's newest nightclub/brothel. We're screwed unless we do hero-y stuff," Maeve said. Everyone grew silent, taking in the sudden developments.

"So, I heard there was this gastropub nearby that's gotten rave reviews. Who wants lunch?" Kazura asked.

"Yeah! I'm hungry!" Paty yelled. "Let's get lunch now, then we'll worry about the Learning Annex later!"

"The consensus has spoken," Edmund said with a shrug. Then, everyone but Maeve left.

"Well, fine!" Maeve yelled. "I'll do this myself!"

Maeve said nothing as she stormed off.

"**Fact: _Flower Drum Song _is Rodgers and Hammerstein's lowest-grossing movie musical**," Cube said.

"That doesn't help at all, Cube. We're losing a hopeless battle against Hancock," Maeve said sadly. Sirens then went off. "I wonder who got arrested..."

A police car with Law, Bonney, Smoker, and Tashigi pulled up next to Maeve.

"We didn't do it!" Jodie shouted.

"We're looking for the one they call 'Nicki Minaj' - I mean, 'Foley Maeve'," Smoker said.

"That be me," Maeve said.

"Come with us. We're going to go cancel Toddlers and Tiaras - I mean, cancel Boa Hancock's evil plans," Smoker said. Maeve said nothing as she entered the police car.

"Oh, and don't touch the donuts," Tashigi said. Maeve pouted as she threw up a perfectly intact donut.

"How can she do that?!" Law cried.

"Because fuck logic, that's why," Bullet said.

* * *

><p>That night, the Capricorns stood backstage at Hancock's nightclubbrothel, all wearing formal attire, save for Dewey, Drusilla, Alec, Ajax, and Isabella, who whore black T-shirts that said "I'm part of the stage crew, not the Capricorn Prostitutes".

"Where have I seen this set-up before?" Heathcliffe asked everyone.

"Your mother," Ajax said in a deep voice. Everyone blinked.

"Ajax can talk?" Hana asked.

"Your mother plays Card Games in Hell," Ajax said. He had the voice of the Satanic Teddy Bear from Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series. The Capricorns sweatdropped.

"So... Why do Dewey and Drusilla get off easy? Why are they Hancock's stage crew and not whores?" Gareth asked.

"Because I'm not legal," Dewey said innocently.

"Uhh... Dewey, when we're done with this, we're going to have 'The Talk'," Enlai said.

"Guys, you go on stage now, or else Hancock is going to torture you by forcing you to watch her exercise videos," Isabella said. The Capricorns said nothing as they strutted onto the stage in a fabulous manner.

"This is why I have so much swag," Enlai said as he put on a pair of Venetian blind sunglasses.

"Capricorns, stahp!"

The music stopped, and everyone looked to the entrance, where the Party Wagon, plus Bonney, Law, Smoker, and Tashigi, were standing.

"Jesus, take the wheel..." Marigold muttered to herself. Leira then knocked Marigold unconscious with her truncheon.

"Where's Hancock?!" Leira asked the unconscious Marigold. The Aries facepalmed.

"Leira, she's passed out," Terrance said as he casually punched Elder Nyon in the face.

"Oi, where can we sign up for a job with The Learning Annex?!" Mason (Blackheart) yelled as he repeatedly hit Sandersonia.

"Go upstairs and into the door that says 'Human resource'. You will be speaking with Margaret," Sandersonia said as the Career finished hitting her.

"Thanks!" Mason (Blackheart) said. "Oi, Maeve, the Careers and I are blowing this fruit stand and getting jobs! It was nice going on this trip, even though we couldn't torture the Non-Careers in the Hunger Games!"

"You do that," Maeve said as she led the Capricorns from the stage.

"Bye, everyone! We'll remember you when we're torturing people attending Hancock's lectures with stripping to Lady Gaga music!" Ebony said before she, Platinum, Damian, Mason (Blackheart), Calamity, and Storm left the clubroom.

"Jace Wayland is a [bag of gummy bears]!"

Hancock entered the room.

"Holy shit, it's a lion! Everyone, back in the car!" Bullet yelled.

"Oh, look, it's those peasants who ruined my previous ventures in Yukijima. So glad you could all come," Hancock said.

"Give me Daisuke right now, or I will call the police on everybody in this establishment, including Daisuke!" Anna yelled. Daisuke sweatdropped.

"Do I know you?" Daisuke asked. Yulia just whispered something to Daisuke. "Oh, you mean that one island? The one where Aki was talking to a naked version of herself? Sounds legit."

Aki then got out a Taser and tazered Daisuke.

"Mommy!" Daisuke shouted. While Aki tazered Daisuke, the Party Wagon got out their weapons.

"By order of the Revolutionary Army, we command you to stop working with The Learning Annex," Artemis said.

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney, and one will be provided with you -" Cable explained before Artemis cut him off.

"That's not the arrest pledge," Artemis said. "This is -"

The Aquariuses and the Tauruses took deep breaths.

"Bring out your dead!" Meggie, Thorn, Dane, Alistair, Hugh, Patrick, Asa, Siobahn, Briony, Citron, Cable, Togo, Kintaro, Flannery, Artemis, Pendleton, and Annalese shouted, causing Hancock to faint. Everyone grew silent.

"I guess this means no more Learning Annex," Mele commented.

"Looks like..." Maeve said as she put on some badass sunglasses. "We schooled her."

_Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!_

"What about A.A.A.?" Aldwin asked.

"Plus, what about the Straw Hats?" Raymond asked.

"Should we get the Careers?" Aleksandar asked.

"I'll go confront A.A.A., and we'll worry about the Straw Hats later. Don't bother with the Careers, since they're too busy to care," Maeve said.

"Sounds like a plan. Have fun," Andy said.

"Good luck," Citron and Cable said.

"Keep at it," Aleksandar, Mason (Sarutobi), Pearl, Lien, Locke, and Aurelia said.

"Don't give up," Aomame said.

"Remember the favor I owe Robin," Jade said.

"We've got your back in case A.A.A. does something," Stella-Rondo said.

"Watch your back!" Paty, Lian, Sara, Raymond, and Vani yelled.

"You've got this," Greta said.

"You can do it," Llewellyn said.

"We know you can defeat A.A.A.," Miller and Annalese said.

"Tell A.A.A. to show us her t -" Linus, Basil, and Thorn said before Pomponia, Alissa, and Meggie slapped them.

"**Fact: PETA once asked the Pet Shop Boys to considering changing their name to 'Rescue Shelter Boys',**" Cube said.

"Hot glue guns!" Shen said in his sleep.

"I'm going in. If anything happens, run," Maeve said before she went into the waiting area, where A.A.A. was on her phone.

"Hello, Domino's? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with chicken wings and... Hold on a second," A.A.A. said into the phone before she turned to Maeve. "What do you want, Maeve Foley?"

"Where were you the night of the cow tippings?!" Maeve asked.

"Uhh... At home, watching T.V.?" A.A.A. asked.

"What were you watching?" Maeve asked.

"A documentary on the Second Sino-Japanese War," A.A.A. said.

"A-ha! You're a Communist! You support Boa Hancock and her evil doings!" Maeve yelled.

"Maeve, are you on drugs?" A.A.A. asked.

"No, but I know one thing - You are working for Boa Hancock, and I want to know why!" Maeve said.

"Maeve! We told you to stay in Afro Circus!"

The Straw Hats approached them, carrying and wearing various Disney-related gear.

"But, you guys were in trouble, so the Libras and I had to save you! A.A.A. even said that she had you in her custody!" Maeve yelled.

"Custody? Maeve, we were at Yukijima Disneyland today," Sanji asked. Maeve only responded by kicking Sanji very hard in his manberries.

"You went to Disneyland without me?!" Maeve shouted as a dark aura surrounded her. "The innocent ones are going to pay!"

Maeve then raised her fist.

"Kamehameha!"

Maeve then punched A.A.A. so hard, A.A.A. passed out. The aura around Maeve then disappeared.

"I'm hungry now. Anyone want to go to Denny's?" Maeve asked.

* * *

><p>A few days later, Nami was on the next island telling the story of the events at Yukijima to the only person who would listen to the story - Cavendish.<p>

"So, the Careers got their Learning Annex job with Hancock, Aldwin and Shen got the option to skip Maeve's next wacky adventure, Alissa got her money, Robin owes Jade a favor now, Basil got to see up women's skirts, Andy got to have her fun, the Pantless were able to sail again, and Anna got to make-out with Daisuke before he called the cops on her. As for everyone else... Who knows?" Nami said to Cavendish.

"That sounded very intense," Cavendish commented. He still had the voice of Shay Van Buren from The Most Popular Girls in School. "However, I felt this adventure was less random than the first adventure in Yukijima. You know, the one with that hipster music festival."

Nami then awoke in a hotel room to a ringing phone. She then answered it.

"Hello?" Nami asked.

"_Good morning. This is a wake-up call for the Yukijima Marriott. We hope you are enjoying your stay_."

Nami screamed, waking up Maeve.

"Shut the [Toddlers and Tiaras] up!" Maeve yelled as she threw a pillow at Nami.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>In Pokémon, HM01 is the HM for Cut.

**(2) -** This is a reference to the _Torture _oneshot in the Hunger Games fanfic _Infamous Games _by **The Awesome Novice Writer**, which is the story his OCs appear in. This is the abridged/Sparknotes-type version of what the Careers did to the non-Careers in the oneshot, and it's a lot worse reading about it in the oneshot.

**(3) - **"How dare you talk like that about New France! Say anything bad about my home one more time, and you will have your head chopped off on the guillotine!"

**(4) - **King Curtis is from an episode of Wife Swap. In it, his mother swaps lives with a health nut mom, and the health nut mom throws away all of the bacon King Curtis and his family had, causing him to proclaim the golden rule of "Bacon is good for me!"

**(5) - **This is a jingle for a commercial for an automotive garage I heard while on vacation. It's damn catchy.

So, you may be wondering why I posted ten polls leading up to this chapter. If you may have noticed, there are various shout-outs to the chapters that won the polls. And, here are the chapters that won:

_Night at the Learning Annex, Perona and Ajax, Phantom of the Venetian Las Vegas, Tech Support, First Anniversary Special, Memoirs of a Geisha, The Cracky Nightmare Before Halloween, Toddlers, Tiaras, and the Rad Bromance, Public Access Television, _and _Sarutobi Family Reunion._

Congrats to those ten chapters! And, here is the summary that explains how those ten chapters are tied into this fic:

The Straw Hats receive tickets to a week-long seminar on Yukijima hosted by The Learning Annex (_Night at the Learning Annex_). Still scarred from their last experiences with The Learning Annex, they send Maeve to the Libras, who are staying in Afro Circus, a small, desert town. After a run-in with a crazy girl and a pigeon (_Perona and Ajax_), the Libras and Maeve discover that the Straw Hats and Capricorns are in deep trouble (_Phantom of the Venetian Las Vegas/Tech Support_). They decide to set off for Yukijima, collecting hotel workers and Hunger Games Tributes alike for their "Party Wagon".

After a long day of travelling, the Party Wagon decides to stop in the city of New France, where Leon is from. Shortly after arriving at Leon's house, they meet his okama dad, his flamethrower stepmother, and his assassin brother, and the Party Wagon plays some games with Leon's dad (_First Anniversary Special_). However, the next morning, after Maeve mentions Ivankov, Leon's dad kicks the Party Wagon out of the house, as he hates Ivankov.

The Party Wagon pushes on, eventually arriving in House Tully of Riverrun, a city of casinos on the River Song River. Strapped for cash, the Party Wagon is forced to work for... You guessed it, Ivankov, at his casino, Newkama Land Hotel and Casino (_Memoirs of a Geisha_). After a couple of days of work, the Party Wagon has enough money and a few more members (Jade Collins, Alissia Port, and Basil Le'Ursa), so they prepare to leave. Before they can, Doflamingo kidnaps everyone but the Libras, all so he could steal Halloween and turn it into "National Learning Annex Day" (_The Cracky Nightmare Before Halloween_).

With the help of their new allies, the Pantless Pirates, the Libras track Maeve's iPhone with the "Find my iPhone" app on Kazura's own iPhone. The app leads them to New District 12, where Doflamingo is hosting the Miss Learning Annex Beauty Pageant, and Maeve is a contestant (_Toddlers, Tiaras, and the Rad Bromance_). With the help of Anna, one of the judges, Maeve uses her act in the talent portion to spirit herself and the Party Wagon out of New District 12. Shortly afterward, Anna joins, after hearing that her love, Daisuke, is under Hancock's clutches.

Feeling that their situation is hopeless, the Straw Hats and the Capricorns, along with Smoker, Tashigi, Law, and Bonney, go on public access television to drum up anti-Hancock sentiment and to get somebody to save them (_Public Access Television_). Hancock is also using public access television, but to advertise the Learning Annex. Eventually, Hancock finds out about the anti-Hancock sentiment, and she kidnaps the Straw Hats, Capricorns, Smoker, Tashigi, Law, and Bonney. Afterward, she broadcasts an entire message to All About Halifax - Anybody who tries to save them will become a slave to Hancock. Maeve, of course, ignores the message and runs away from the Party Wagon, with Yukijima as her destination.

The Capricorns also run away from Hancock, and they run into Maeve in Old Viridian City, a town with lots of glitzy, resort casinos. The Capricorns throw a party celebrating that they escaped Hancock, with Maeve in attendance. The next day, Maeve wakes up and discovers that the Capricorns are gone. While frantically searching Old Viridian City for the Capricorns, Maeve runs into a girl named Andy, who is looking for some fun. Maeve and Andy have a fun day on the Old Viridian City strip before the rest of the Party Wagon finds them and brings them back to reality. Running out of time, Andy joins the Party Wagon and they leave the next day.

Almost at Yukijima, the Party Wagon is forced to stop at the small town of 221B Baker Street, as it was getting dark. Because they were the only ones who couldn't get rooms at the motel everyone else was staying at, Maeve, the Libras, and Maeve's personalities are forced to stay with Saint Sarutobi II, his wife, and their adopted son, Louis, who is also the sock-monkey assassin brother of Leon (_Sarutobi Family Reunion_). Between watching old movies, Louis trying to kill them, and Cosmo ending up in a hospital after being accidentally stabbed with a can opener, the Libras, Maeve, and Maeve's personalities have a surreal night.

The next afternoon, the Party Wagon finally reaches Yukijima. However, they have come at the worst time possible - The Straw Hats are in A.A.A.'s custody, Bonney, Law, Smoker, and Tashigi are missing, and the Capricorns are set to pimp themselves out at the opening of Hancock's newest brothel/nightclub later that night. While everybody makes their plans for later, Maeve splits off from the group and discovers that Law, Smoker, Bonney, and Tashigi were waiting for Maeve to come and save everyone. With the last four people Maeve needed, the Party Wagon is complete, and they plan to have the final showdown at Hancock's brothel/nightclub.

That night, as the Capricorns are pimped out, while wearing formal attire, the Party Wagon crashes the party, wearing street clothes, which mark them as heroes/anti-Hancock fighters. After defeating Hancock and freeing the Capricorns in a very anti-climatic scene, Maeve confronts A.A.A. While grilling A.A.A. as to why she chose to become Hancock's underling, A.A.A. is about to answer, when the Straw Hats burst in after spending a fun day at Yukijima Disneyland. Before A.A.A. can react, the Straw Hats and Maeve knock her out.

A few days later, Nami relates her story to Cavendish, who likes the story, but wishes it could be as random as the first tale on Yukijima.

**And, that is it, folks! Review this chapter, tell me what you thought of it, that stuff! Let's have a hundred more chapters of crack!**


	101. The Battle for Hogwarts!

**Author's Note:** And, we are back from the post-chapter 100 hiatus, which allowed me to play catch-up on my other fics.

Anyway, in honor of the announcement of the Harry Potter spin-off movie _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_, I have written up my own version of the Battle for Hogwarts that happened in Deathly Hallows, because we love Harry Potter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Harry Potter.**

* * *

><p>It was a dark time at Hogwarts - With Cipher Pol 9 and Lord Blackbeard running the place, everybody in the 13 Houses of Hogwarts feared for their lives.<p>

"Hogwarts has four Houses," Mr. Soldier pointed out.

"I do what I want, bitch," The Authoress said, crossing her arms.

Anyway...

There were now 13 Houses of Hogwarts. Capricorn is where the young, beautiful, and rich people went, Libra is where the hipsters went, Aries is where the people of Canadian blood went, Gemini is where wingmen and women in the harem of Linus Forsythe went, Aquarius is where the people who hated Thorn Sarutobi went, Taurus is where the people who epically failed at life went, Leo is where the people who like Arrested Development and/or were members of the Bluth family went, Scorpio is where the smarty-pants people went, Supernova is where the Dangan Ronpa rejects went, Shichibukai is where all of the crazy people associated with Doflamingo, porn addicts, and teachers for The Learning Annex went, and Straw Hat is where everyone else went.

However, Portgas D. Ace and his two buddies, Rebecca and Shanks, took their last year of school off to find Voldemort's seven Horcruxes and to burn them on a funeral pyre. So far, they found six Horcruxes - A pair of used panties, a bag of cookies, a snowglobe from Hawaii, pictures of Ezra Koenig from Vampire Weekend, a toilet seat, and a pizza from Little Caesars. They were on their way to Hogwarts to destroy the final Horcrux, Ace himself, when our heroes realized something.

"It's Saturday!" Ace yelled, his voice echoing through the British moors.

"Fuck yeah! Saturday Night Live is going to be on!" Shanks yelled, fist-pumping Jersey Shore-style.

"Screw Hogwarts! Let's go stay at that abandoned mansion!" Rebecca yelled as she pointed to a mansion behind her.

"I'll order the pizza!" Shanks yelled.

"And I'll run down to Target to buy snacks and booze!" Ace yelled.

* * *

><p>At Hogwarts, all 13 Houses and the teachers were getting ready for the big battle against Blackbeard. Currently, Headmaster Silvers Rayleigh gathered every student in the dining room for a briefing on the situation.<p>

"Don't have sex. You will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up... Just, don't do it. Promise?" Rayleigh explained. Everyone else sweatdropped. "Alright, everyone take some rubbers."

Without another word, the students began to leave the room.

"**Fact: Before they were a successful, indie band, Vampire Weekend was a rap group called 'Le'Homme Run'**," Cube said.

"Wasn't this supposed to be a briefing on the situation with Blackbeard and CP9?" Nami asked.

"Well, this could be our last night together, just saying," Thorn said. Nami said nothing as she grabbed Thorn and threw him out of the nearest window. "Wheeee!"

"Glad he's gone," Nami said.

"Let's party now that Thorn is out of the picture!" Meggie yelled. "Oh, and Patrick, Hugh, Dane, and Alistar are next if they don't cooperate with us."

Patrick said nothing as he flipped Meggie off.

* * *

><p>Back at the mansion, Ace, Rebecca, and Shanks were watching Saturday Night Live.<p>

"Hell yeah! It's a sketch with Fred Armisen!" Shanks yelled.

* * *

><p>Back at Hogwarts, the members of Libra were preparing for the battle ahead.<p>

"Edmund, go home. You're drunk," Rhett said to his older brother, who was downing a bottle of tequila.

"What do you mean 'go drunk, you're home'?" Edmund slurred. Rhett facepalmed.

"Edmund, I know you like your eggnog at Christmas, but this is May. Also, you're drinking tequila," Rhett explained. Edmund blinked and smiled. Rhett said nothing as he pulled Amelia and Bridey closer to him. "Edmund, your sisters want you to stop drinking before Blackbeard kills us all."

Edmund giggled.

"Edmund, your sisters want you to stop drinking before Pontus the Tooth Fairy kills us off!" Edmund slurred.

"I'm Rhett, Blackbeard is going to kill us, and you're drinking. Why?!" Rhett asked. Edmund began stroking Rhett's cheek.

"Hello. I'm the Doctor," Edmund slurred. Rhett carried Edmund over to a chair and sat him down.

"Edmund, you aren't the Doctor. The Doctor is a Mad Man With a Blue Box," Rhett explained.

"But, I'm a Mad Box With a Blue Man!" Edmund slurred. Fire alarms then went off.

"_Attention, students, Cipher Pol 9 and Voldemort have arrived! Please proceed to the main hall with your weapons! Ain't nobody got time for magics! In the words of the philosopher Andrew Hussie, 'Magic is fake as shit'. All because Eridan Ampora exists, and - You mean we're fighting Blackbeard and not Voldemort?! Fuck you, Sentomaru! I wanna battle Voldy!_"

The Libras got their weapons out, save for Edmund, who got out a bottle of vodka.

"Edmund, what have I told you?" Rhett asked. Edmund broke the bottle of vodka over Rhett's head.

"You smell like a baby prostitute," Edmund slurred. Rhett turned to the Libras.

"I'm going to go take a shower. Somebody, take my place," Rhett said before he left the room.

"I Volunteer as Rh - I mean, Tribute - I mean, Rhett!" Kazura, Miller, Locke, Nigel, and Jin-Mao cried. Edmund laughed hard.

"Nothing says 'I loaf you' like braking shit onto your brother," Edmund slurred.

"Jin-Mao, do I use Eren's sword, Katniss' bow, the Portal gun, or Thor's hammer?" Daiyu asked.

"Thor's hammer. I already have Eren AND Mikasa's swords," Jin-Mao said as he put on a Loki headband.

* * *

><p>Outside, the Battle for Hogwarts began.<p>

"Oh, crap..." Leo said before he turned back to the rest of his crew. "Everybody, I've made a huge mistake."

"But, of course," Sawyer said under his breath.

"No! Stay with me, Leo-kun!" Peony yelled, earning her a boot to the head.

"Sorry! Not sorry!" Somebody who sounded like Aleksandar, Mason, and/or Lien said from the back of the crowd.

* * *

><p>Back at the mansion...<p>

"Shouldn't we be doing something right now? Like, saving the world, helping abandoned puppies find a home, and shipping Rin and Nagisa together?" Ace asked.

"No. That can wait. Weekend Update is on," Shanks said.

* * *

><p>Back at Hogwarts, the Aries were battling Wanze.<p>

"Who are you? Where am I?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE?!" Aomame yelled in the voice of Donna Noble.

"I'm Wanze. I'm apparently not that important," Wanze said. "Who are you?"

"I'm the princess of Canada," Beal said. Wanze shurgged.

"Good enough for me. Being a Death Eater sucks," Wanze said before he walked over to Beal and patter him on the back. "Good job, kid. Thanks for making me reflect on my life choices."

Wanze then walked away.

"That was easy," A Staples Easy Button said, dubbing over Terrance's lip movements.

"Wait... I spoke?" Terrance asked.

* * *

><p>With the Geminis, they were battling Nero.<p>

"Die, bitch!" Linus yelled as he hit Nero of the Scorpio Pirates with a shovel.

"Wait! You have the wrong Nero!" Lana cried. Linus dropped his shovel.

"What are your measurements?" Linus asked. Fallon walked over to Linus and kicked him in the balls.

"Oh, hey, Lana," Fallon said casually.

"Hey, Fallon. What's up?" Lana asked.

"Oh, nothing much. Did you get the results of your O.W.L.S.?" Fallon asked.

"It's not O.W.L.S. anymore. It's now A.J.A.X.," Lana said. Fallon's eyes widened.

"Oh, God, Jesus, no," Fallon said darkly.

* * *

><p>Back with Harry, Ron, and Hermoine - I mean, Ace, Shanks, and Rebecca...<p>

"Fuck! Saturday Night Live is already over?!" Shanks cried.

"Guess we have to go. I mean - spoiler alert - Ace dies," Rebecca explained.

"I WHAT?!" Ace cried. Rebecca turned to Shanks.

"We're going to Hogwarts," Rebecca said to Shanks before Ace turned Rebecca around so Rebcca was facing him.

"I will hold your hand and go out into the street, and make us both get hit by a car. That will push us into another car, and we'll go back and forth all day being hit by cars, holding hands real tight and I will NOT let go," Ace explained to Rebecca. Rebecca sweatdropped.

"Screw this, we're going to Hogwarts," Rebecca said.

* * *

><p>Back at Hogwarts, the Leos were battling Kalifa.<p>

"I've made a huge mistake," Leo said as Kalifa washed him with the powers of her Devil Fruit.

"Yeah, I know. You said that, like, fifteen minutes ago," Keating said, covering his eyes. Everyone but Peony then left the battle.

"Peony, come on! You've already seen Leo naked once!" Jessamine yelled off-screen.

"But, when Leo-kun is naked, he makes my kokoro go doki-doki!" Peony argued. Yvonne said nothing as she grabbed Peony by the shoulders and led her away.

"Don't have sex. You'll get pregnant and die," Yvonne whispered.

* * *

><p>Back with Ace, Rebecca, and Shanks, they just escaped an apartment fire and they were telling their story to a news reporter.<p>

"...I got Bronchitis! Ain't nobody got time for that!" Ace said to Iceburg, the reporter.

"Wow. That was very eye-opening, Mr. Portgas," Iceburg said.

"I'm the boss," Ace said. Shanks turned to Rebecca.

"We have to hurry, or else Hogwarts will fall to Blackbeard," Rebecca said.

"Ain't nobody got time for that!" Shanks said flippantly.

* * *

><p>Back at Hogwarts...<p>

"_Straaaaaannnnggge times are heeeeeeeerrreeeee!_" Edmund slurred as he tried to unbutton Miller's shirt. Miller then grabbed Edmund's hand.

"No. Stop it," Miller said before letting go of Edmund and buttoning his shirt back up.

"My hair gives me the power to kidnap that Lumberjack Hipster!"

Kumadori then grabbed Miller. Jin-Mao said nothing as he got out a Portal gun.

"The cake is a lie," Jin-Mao said darkly before shooting a Portal at Kumadori's feet. Kumadori and Miller then fell into the Portal. "Got him."

"He also got Miller," Kazura pointed out.

"Damn it," Jin-Mao said.

"Over here."

The Libras turned back, and they saw Heathcliffe, Enlai, Miller, and Beal handcuffed together. Heathcliffe had no shirt on, causing many Heathcliffe fangirls to storm the grounds of Hogwarts.

"Bitches, back the FUCK up!" Aki yelled to the fangirls. Pearl, Lien, and Heathcliffe sweatdropped.

"Why aren't you wearing a shirt, teenaged version of dad?" Pearl asked.

"I was about to take a shower, then somebody teleported me here and handcuffed me to Enlai, a hipster who wears an awesome flannel shirt, and Doctor Who," Heathcliffe explained as Aki beat up the Heathcliffe fangirls in the background.

"Okay... Then why is the teenaged version of mom trash-talking those fangirls?" Lien asked. Heathcliffe glared seductively at Aki.

"She can't resist this sexy boy," Heathcliffe said seductively. Miller raised his hatchet.

"I'm sorry, but this really has nothing to do with the Battle of Hogwarts," Miller said as he sliced the handcuffs off of his wrists and ran off. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Things got awkward, so we're leaving," Kazura said quickly before he dragged the rest of the Libras off.

"Can the final battle start yet? I wanna go home," Mason asked.

"We all want to go home, Mason. All because House Capricorn sucks," Kazura explained.

"Ace is dead!"

Everyone turned to Shanks and Rebecca, who were carrying a dead Ace through the grounds of Hogwarts.

"**Fact: Mozart was a member of the Freemasons**," Cube said.

"Wait - What?!" Kazuma cried. "Wolfgang Amadaeus Mozart was in the Freemasons?!"

"So is your mom!" Kazura yelled.

"Kazura Mikuri Miyafuji, your grandmother is not a member of the Freemasons," Kazuma told his son, who sighed.

"But, still - Mozart was in the Freemasons," Shirley pointed out.

"Quick! We have to find secret references to the Freemasons and Illuminati in Mozart's works!" Arvin yelled. "Forget Hogwarts! This is a more serious matter at the moment!"

"But, Ace is dead," Sabo pointed out. Ace then woke up.

"Wow. I should not eat pizza before I go to bed," Ace said. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Bitch, get the fuck into the castle and defeat Blackbeard before I do it for you," Nami said. Ace sighed and rolled his eyes like a teenage girl.

"Fine," Ace said as he entered the school. "At least give me episodes of Saturday Night Live to watch afterwards."

Ace said nothing as he entered the grand hall of Hogwarts, where Blackbeard was waiting. By "waiting", we mean "twerking to Lady Gaga music".

"What?! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Turn this off!" Ace yelled. The music stopped, and Blackbeard stopped twerking.

"Bitch, don't make me take off my belt!" Blackbeard yelled as he took off his belt, casuing his pants to fall down and revealing his hot-pink yoga pants. Ace said nothing as he got out his wand.

"Let me tell you about Homestuck!" Ace yelled as he swished his wand around.

* * *

><p>The scene then cut to Iceburg and Monet, who were in the streets of Portland, Oregon.<p>

"Hi, I'm Iceburg," Iceburg introduced himself.

"I'm Monet, and we're with the Portland Milk Advisory Board," Monet explained.

"Friendly reminder that milk is so yummy," Iceburg said.

"Except for whole milk. Whole milk tastes weird. Trust us, we went to UC Davis," Monet said to the audience.

* * *

><p>Back at Hogwarts, Ace was throwing Blackbeard's body out the window.<p>

"Ow! What the fuck?!" Thorn yelled from outside.

"_He's still on the ground outside?_" Ace thought to himself as he exited Hogwarts, where everyone was waiting.

"Fuck yeah! We won!" Keating yelled. Ace smiled.

"Oh, Ace! Stay a while for my birthday celebrations! We've got Wolfgang as Sherlock, Holden as Karkat, Yuki-Rin as Katniss, Enlai as Jon Snow, Sadie as Cecil Baldwin, and me as the Tenth Doctor!" Hana said.

"Pass," Ace said.

"But, you could be Finnick Odair, or Mickey Smith, or beautiful, perfect Carlos!" Hana cried.

"I said 'pass'! Tu hables Ingles?" Ace asked as he approached the Abingdon children. Edmund was sitting on a chair, Rhett was helping Edmund drink some water, Amelia was reading a story to Edmund, and Bridey was fluffing Edmund's pillow. "Still drunk?"

"Passed out," Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey answered. Ace turned to Rebecca and Shanks.

"Let's go watch some Saturday Night Live. Forget the celebrations," Ace said. Shanks then fist-pumped, Jersey Shore-style.

"Fuck yes," Shanks said before he, Rebecca, and Ace left Hogwarts, glad that Lord Blackbeard was finally dead.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see another Hogwarts AU, more of Ace being a main character, or if you even want to see more of Blackbeard twerking.<strong>


	102. The Mid-Autumn Dance

**Author's Note:** Before we begin, I would like to make a very important announcement regarding an upcoming fanfic -

For a couple of months, I have been toying with this alternate universe fic where the Capricorns are evil and the Libras have to defeat them. Now that I have worked out all of the major kinks in the plot, I am happy to announce that this AU fic, which will be titled **Caprica**, will be published in the future. But, just so you know, there are two things you need to know about **Caprica**:

1. It will not come out for a while. This is because it is an AU to **One Piece: Parallel Generations**, and it will contain major spoilers pertaining to the war plot going on in the fic. I hope to have **Caprica **up when Parallel Generations hits the Lougetown chapters, which will be about five or six chapters away.

2. **Caprica **will also be a rather dark fanfiction. It will have some very dark themes such as forced prostitution, violence, and maybe even some character death. Because many people will likely be disturbed/upset/saddened by the things in the fic, **Caprica **will also get an Abridged Series that will be a lot more lighthearted and cracky in nature. When both fics come out, I plan to release the new chapter of **Caprica **first, and then the new chapter of **Caprica: The Abridged, Yet Uncut, Parody**.

Are we clear for **Caprica**? More importantly, are we excited for **Caprica**? Good. Let's begin this chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, any jokes from Welcome to Night Vale, or any of the songs used in this chapter. Foley Maeve and Aldwin Yorkson belong to luffykotheeevee.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal morning at Grand Line High School in the city of Lougetown, U.S.A., as the students sat in their homeroom classes, listening to the announcements from Principal Sengoku.<p>

"_The following people need to report to Nurse Joy's office at lunch for follow-up appointments regarding head lice inspection day - Leo Sarutobi._"

Leo stood up.

"Oh, crap! I've made a huge mistake!" Leo yelled before he frantically ran from Shanks-sensei's room. Everyone sweatdropped.

"_Wednesday has been cancelled due to a scheduling error. Today's crappy school lunch is mystery meat, as always. The Black Keys concert featuring Patrick Carney and Dan Auerbach has been cancelled, because Wednesday was cancelled due to a scheduling error. Instead, it will be a Dan Auerbach concert._"

Miller then began to cry.

"Why can't Patrick Carney come?!" Miller cried.

"Dan Auerbach is still coming," Yvonne pointed out, not looking up from her textbook.

"Leave Dan Auerbach alone!" Miller said in the voice of Chris Crocker.

"_The Brony and Pegasister Club is meeting today with information on the upcoming screening of Equestria Girls. All members of the SuperWhoLock Club are required at lunch to get rid of all of the graffiti that says 'I believe in Sherlock Holmes', 'Assbutt', and 'Bad Wolf'._"

"Assbutt," Jin-Mao muttered under his breath, not looking up from his manga.

"_Finally, just a reminder that the Mid-Autumn Dance is this Friday from eight to midnight. It is a formal dance, so the dress code WILL be enforced. In your homeroom classes, you will begin voting for the Autumn Court. A rally will be held on Friday to give us an excuse to play crappy music, have our dance team show off their vaugely-sexual moves, and leave everyone with an unpleasant feeling all around. Lastly, the Mid-Autumn Planning Comittee will be making their rounds. Failure to comply with whatever they say will result in you being forced to read to our school mascot, Pwngoat. Have a good day, Pwngoat's Minions._"

The students in Shanks' class grew silent.

"You heard the man! Vote for some people to be king, queen, prince, or princess!" Shanks demanded.

"I don't have to listen to 'The Man'," Edmund said, crossing his arms. Shanks groaned.

"Edmund, you're an honors student. Listen to The Man, or I will deduct points from your analysis of The Decemberists' album _The Crane Wife_," Shanks demanded like a diva. Edmund flipped his hair in a fabulous manner.

"Ain't nobody got time for that," Edmund said before he strutted out of the classroom. Shanks said nothing as he got out a large stack of paper.

"Culling of the Fold, bitch!" Shanks yelled as he got out a flamethrower and set the papers on fire. "_Find him, bind him, tie him to a pole, and break his fingers to splinters. Drag him to a hole, until he wakes up naked, clawing at the ceiling of his grave_!"

The rest of Shanks' class sweatdropped.

"**Fact: The movie _Spirited Away _was a metaphor for Japan's sex industry,**" Cube said.

* * *

><p>At lunch, Edmund re-joined his siblings.<p>

"What did Shanks do to my analysis of _The Crane Wife_?" Edmund asked as he sat down.

"He got out a flamethrower and burnt it," Rhett said casually. Edmund grew pale.

"Oh, by the way, did you vote for anyone for the Mid-Autumn Court?" Bridey asked Edmund.

"Is it okay if I only vote for Colin Meloy and Ezra Koenig to the Mid-Autumn Court?" Edmund asked.

"They don't go here, Edmund. They're musicians with bands, wives, kids, and committments," Rhett explained.

"Then, can I vote for Hannah Hunt and Diane Young?" Edmund asked.

"Those are songs by Vampire Weekend," Rhett answered. Edmund sighed.

"Say what you will, but I believe that the ENTIRE student body shouldn't be on the ballot. What if they don't want to be on the Mid-Autumn Court?" Edmund ranted.

"They make a scene at the rally, and it turns into 'Occupy: Grand Line High School'," Amelia deadpanned.

"They petition for one of the popular kids to take their place. I know it's one of the reasons why we don't have Homecoming anymore, but I don't mind. Homecoming is overrated, anyway," Rhett said.

"They stay home in an old T-shirt and Angry Birds pajama pants, make cookies, and watch back-logged episodes of Portlandia," Bridey answered. Edmund snapped his fingers.

"Hold that thought. We're staying after school today," Edmund said. "Bring a friend."

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Abingdon siblings were sitting in an empty classroom.<p>

"So, what are we doing again?" Amelia asked. "And why is Yukari here?"

"I was invited," Yukari said. "Kazura's here, too."

"Hey," Kazura said. "Edmund, what's Miller doing here?"

"I invited him," Edmund answered.

"I don't think you invited the Sarutobis," Miller pointed out.

"Amelia invited Aurelia, so she invited me, and I invited everyone else," Locke explained.

"I'm here, too," Stella-Rondo pointed out.

"Yeah, Aleksandar and I invited Stella-Rondo," Mason said with a shrug. "But, who invited Nigel?"

"Miller, Kazura, and Edmund asked me a favor, so I went with it," Nigel explained. "I brought Kipton, because I didn't want all of those 'I hope sempai notices me' jokes."

"No, I went because you went," Kipton explained to Nigel before he turned back to everyone. "Were we supposed to invite Jin-Mao and Daiyu? I mean, they had to do that clean-up with the SuperWhoLock Club."

"That was at lunch," Jin-Mao said with a wave of his hand. "We came, because all of you cancelled your plans at the last minute."

"And Fernando?" Daiyu asked.

"Angelica's sick, so I have nothing better to do," Fernando said before he pulled out his cell phone and a framed selfie of Angelica. "We have her on speaker phone, though."

"_One time, at band camp -_"

Fernando then put his phone on silent.

"We don't talk about band camp," Fernando said darkly. "Also, who invited the Film Club?"

Fernando pointed to Sukie, Moana, Jacqueline, Isaac, and Wu-Ren, who were sitting by themselves at a table in the back of the room.

"Hi," Wu-Ren said as he waved to the others in the room. Edmund stared at them.

"Are you here to help us?" Edmund asked. The four got up.

"Sure. I hope you don't mind, but we invited some people," Moana said as Usopp, Kaya, Aldwin, Maeve, Yvonne, Greta, Arvin, and Ace walked in.

"**Fact: The creators of Talk Like a Pirate Day were featured in an episode of Wife Swap,**" Cube said as everyone who came in sat down. Everyone grew silent.

"So... Why did Edmund call us all over?" Aldwin asked.

"We're having our own Mid-Autumn Dance," Edmund said. "It will be held on Friday during the other Mid-Autumn Dance from eight to midnight at my place. It is a casual affair, so the dress code WILL be enforced. A rally will be held on Friday, but we will not go to it because they will play crappy music, have our dance team show off their vaugely-sexual moves, and leave everyone with an unpleasant feeling all around. Lastly, the Mid-Autumn Planning Comittee will be making their rounds, so we have to watch out. Failure to comply with whatever they say will result in a sad Edmund."

"Are you sure mom and dad will approve of this?" Amelia asked.

"Well, there's that," Edmund said with a shrug.

* * *

><p>That evening, at the Abingdon family mansion.<p>

"Sure, you can have your party here. You father didn't go to his Mid-Autumn Dance," Kartik explained. "Besides, your mother and I are going to Night Vale and Desert Bluffs for the weekend. There's money on the counter for Chinese takeout. Just make sure everyone leaves the party at a reasonable time and they don't get drunk."

"Thank you, father," Edmund said before leaving his father's study. His siblings were standing outside.

"Since when did dad become apathetic?" Bridey asked.

"Because we're so obedient," Edmund answered, throwing his arms up into the air for no reason.

* * *

><p>A couple of days later, it was Thursday, the day before the Mid-Autumn Dance.<p>

"_Are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome? That would be weird. Not to be judgemental... But it would be weird_."

The students in Shanks' class sweatdropped.

"_If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded_."

"Get on with it!" The students yelled.

"_Anyway, we now have a new rule for the Mid-Autumn Dance on Friday - Every student is now required to attend, under orders of the Mid-Autumn Planning Comittee. Failure to attend will result in detention for three days. And now, the weather._"

A familiar song began to play over the P.A. as Edmund buried his face in his hands.

"_Hello, darkness, my old friend,_" Edmund sang to himself.

"_Dog goes 'woof'  
>Cat goes 'meow'<br>Bird goes 'tweet'  
>And, mouse goes 'squeak'<br>Cow goes 'moo'  
>Frog goes 'croak'<br>And, the elephant goes 'toot'_

_Ducks say 'quack'_  
><em>And, fish go 'blub'<em>  
><em>And, the seal goes 'ow, ow, ow'<em>  
><em>But there's one sound that no one knows<em>

_What does the fox say_?!" Sengoku sang over the P.A. Among Sengoku's "Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringedings", "Wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pows", "Hatee-hatee-hatee-hos", "Joff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo-tchoffs", "Jacha-chacha-chacha-chows", "Fraka-kaka-kaka-kaka-kows", "A-hee-ahee ha-hees", and "A-oo-oo-oo-ooos", Edmund began to cry.

"I've made a huge mistake!" Edmund sobbed.

"Don't steal our catchphrase. Just... Don't," Yvonne said.

* * *

><p>Later, with the members of the Anti-Mid-Autumn Dance...<p>

"In an old house in Paris that was covered in vines, lived twelve little girls in two straight lines. In two straight lines, they broke their bread, and brushed their teeth, and went to bed. They smiled at the good, and frowned at the bad, and sometimes they were very sad. They left the house at half-past nine in two straight lines in rain or shine. The smallest one was Madeline," Amelia read to a sobbing Edmund.

"Amelia, you're not helping. _Madeline _tastes like tears and pain right now," Edmund said through his tears.

"I've got an idea - Let's sue the school," Ace suggested.

"What good would that do?" Edmund asked.

"You know who set these rules? Peony Chung, Leo Sarutobi, Kazuma Miyafuji, and Indie Van Horn, the Mid-Autumn Planning Comittee. We have to stop them from abusing our rights," Locke explained. Kazura began laughing.

"Who died and let the teenaged version of my dad onto a planning comittee for a high school dance?!" Kazura laughed.

"No, wait, Kazuma quit. Heathcliffe Sarutobi took his place, and - Wait... The younger version of Uncle Heathcliffe is doing this?! Fuck!" Locke cried.

"Also, who died and allowed Indie Van Horn onto the comittee?" Arvin asked, tilting his head.

"Indie's not on the comittee either. It's supposed to be Pomponia Crowley," Locke pointed out. Everyone grew silent.

"So... What are we supposed to do? It's higher ups in the school vs. us," Usopp asked.

"We'll take them down, or my name isn't Fernando Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya De la Rosa Aguilar," Fernando said.

"Let's get naked," Ace suggested.

"No, Ace, we're only going to do that if we're selling real estate," Edmund explained. Ace pulled out a bottle of Naked fruit juice.

"No, let's get Naked. You know, the fruit juice," Ace said. "It always helps me think."

"Oh, I thought you were insinuating that we were supposed to take out clothes off," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>The next evening, the Mid-Autumn Dance was in full swing.<p>

"I hope Leo-sempai notices me!" Peony shouted. Alabama sighed.

"I made a huge mistake in coming here," Alabama said to herself.

"Hey! You can't hold a Joan Baez-esque protest rally outside of the dance!"

Everyone ran outside, and they saw Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey, Yukari, Kazura, Miller, Stella-Rondo, Aleksandar, Mason, Locke, Aurelia, Lien, Pearl, Nigel, Kipton, Fernando, Daiyu, Jin-Mao, Sukie, Moana, Jacqueline, Isaac, Wu-Ren, Arvin, Kaya, Usopp, Ace, Greta, Yvonne, Aldwin, Maeve, and Ace, all holding hands and wearing black T-shirts that said "Occupy: Grand Line High School's Mid-Autumn Dance".

"**Fact: China has banned reincarnation unless the government pre-approves your reincarnation plans,**" Cube said.

"What are you doing?! You're ruining my dance!" Peony cried.

"It's not your dance! You have taken democracy away from the people of Grand Line High School! You are running this dance like it's Soviet Russia!" Edmund yelled into a megaphone.

"But, I wanted everyone to get makeovers and look pretty and have fun!" Peony cried. Kazura grabbed the megaphone from Edmund.

"We did not stage this Joan Baez-esque Occupy rally for nothing! You are surpressing the voice of the majority who didn't want to obey your totalitarian rules!" Kazura yelled into the megaphone. Maeve ran up to Kazura and grabbed the megaphone.

"What does the fox say?!" Maeve yelled. Everyone sweatdropped as Edmund calmly grabbed the megaphone from Maeve and set it down.

"We have actually prepared a protest song. I hope you will take the time to listen to it. If not, we're going to call the ACLU for surpression of free speech," Edmund explained before the music began.

"_Change the world one party at a time  
>Roll up in the club because we're VIPs,<em>" Maeve and Aldwin sang.

"_Work your body on that -_" Maeve sang as she tried (and failed) to twerk.

"_ - Because it feels right to me_," Aldwin half-heartedly sang. "Maeve, what are we singing?"

"A protest song," Maeve answered in all seriousness. Amelia then began to play a piano.

"_We've been given a raw deal  
>And to take a big step backwards,<em>" Yvonne sang as everyone in the protest party took a step backwards and did the Electric Slide.

"_Now you're dancing Electric Slide  
>Keep sliding - Slide toward your future now<em>," Yukari sang as everyone in the protest rally continued to do the Electric Slide. Everyone attending the Mid-Autumn Dance either sweatdropped, facepalmed, or did both.

"I was right. I made a huge mistake," Alabama said before she ripped off her dress, revealing that she was wearing jeans and the "Occupy: Grand Line High School's Mid-Autumn Dance" T-shirt underneath. Alabama then walked over to the protest rally, with Sawyer, Meggie, Cary, Keating, and Jessamine following suit, ripping off their formal clothes and revealing jeans and the Occupy T-shirts underneath their formal clothes.

"_Change the world one party at a time!_" The protest rally sang.

"_Mind eraser shots with a twist of lime!_" Moana, Jacqueline, and Sukie sang as they drank from one of the barrels of fruit punch that were inside the gym for the dance. The music then stopped with a record scratch.

"Put that back!" Peony yelled.

"You're not my mother! Oh, wait, you are my mother, but you're dead!" Sukie yelled before she threw the barrel, which hit Crocodile.

"My leg!" Crocodile shouted like the "My leg" fish from Spongebob. Everyone shrugged as the music started back up.

"_So many hotties up in this piece!_" Isaac, Mason, Usopp, Arvin, and Edmund sang as Kaya, Jacqueline, Yukari, and Stella-Rondo danced the What Does the Fox Say? dance near them.

"_We are the flower children  
>The leaves of -<em>" Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey sang before they were cut off.

"_Change the world one party at a time -_" The protest rally sang before Garp and Sengoku stepped outside.

"What in the name of Twilight Sparkle?!" Garp cried.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Sengoku yelled.

"...Fighting cavities," Maeve answered with a very confused shrug. Everyone grew silent.

"Okay. Carry on," Sengoku said before everyone but Peony went back inside.

"What is this protest rally for?! You're ruining my dance!" Peony cried. Maeve shushed her in response.

"Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness," Maeve asked.

"That's the sound of people freak dancing to _Blurred Lines_!" Peony cried.

"That is what forgiveness sounds like - Screaming and then silence," Maeve said sagely before she left.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want more high school AU chapters.<strong>


	103. Final Fantasy VII!

**Author's Note:** I don't know what made me do a parody of Final Fantasy VII, but here it is. Also, here is an important announcement:

**In about two months, this fanfic will go on hiatus. If you have been reading this fic since I first posted it in the summer of 2011, you know why this fic is going on hiatus soon. If not, I will tell you up-front - This fanfic has a spin-off for Christmas called "The DysFUNctional Christmas", and it only updates from Thanksgiving to Christmas Day. Because I only have a small window to update "The DysFUNctional Christmas", "The DysFUNctional Pirates" goes on hiatus for the holidays and comes back around New Year's.**

**Anyway, here's a rough schedule of what I plan to release for this fic until the hiatus:**

**- A parody of Attack on Titan**

**- A chapter set in Las Vegas**

**- A Halloween chapter**

**- A "Rad Bromance" chapter.**

**- A Thanksgiving chapter**

**Just a heads-up on two things, though - One, there is a good chance that I will be on a weekend trip on the weekend of October 18th - 20th, so updates on my stories may be a bit slowed down. And, two, there will be a change in the annual Thanksgiving chapter - Every year, it's the Capricorns who star in the Thanksgiving chapter as the chapter's protagonists. This year, I have decided to make the Libras the protagonists of the Thanksgiving chapter, since they haven't gotten a chance to celebrate Thanksgiving yet.**

Are we clear? Good. Now we can begin our Final Fantasy parody.

**Disclaimer: Say it with me - "Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. Square Enix owns Final Fantasy. luffykotheeevee owns Aldwin, Maeve, Anton, Shen, and Maeve's personalities. And, Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin owns the Capricorn and Libra Pirates."**

* * *

><p>It was a beautiful day in the beautiful city of Midgar, as Basil Le'Ursa filmed a show.<p>

"Hello, and welcome to the Midgar Culture Report," Basil said into the camera. He was then pushed to the ground by an emo boy named Aldwin Yorkson.

"I'm NOT emo! Stop using fandom jokes from Final Fantasy at my expense," Aldwin pointed out to the authoress.

"**Fact: Malaria is only transmitted through female mosquitoes**."

A group of people approached Aldwin.

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up for a gym membership!" Aldwin yelled.

"Hello, good sir. Would you like to learn about alternate energy?" Foley Maeve, the leader of the group, asked Aldwin.

"Go away. You can't have my E-mail address," Aldwin requested.

"No, we need you to take down Shinra Electric. They are practicing un-eco-friendly techniques, and we need to stop them," Yukari explained. Aldwin blinked.

"Go bother Ren about this. She'd be all over it," Aldwin requested.

"Actually, Aldwin, Anton is forcing you to go," Nami explained.

"Why?!" Aldwin asked.

"There's been an accident. It's Shen," Maeve said darkly. Aldwin screamed.

"No! Not Shen!" Aldwin cried.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the local IKEA, Anton was trying to help Shen, who was literally glued to a bed.<p>

"Kids today and their stupid Vine videos," Anton muttered to himself. "Jade, get the Loki! Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is on in twenty minutes!"

* * *

><p>Back with Aldwin, he was getting to know Maeve's group, which included the Capricorns, Libras, and Straw Hats.<p>

"**Fact: The original names for the Pokémon Koffing and Weezing were originally going to be 'New York' and 'Los Angeles',**" Cube said.

"So, what's so bad about Shinra Electric?" Aldwin asked. Yukari's face darkened.

"Plastic bags. PLASTIC BAGS," Yukari said darkly. Aldwin grew silent.

"I think I'm having Captain Planet flashbacks..." Aldwin said.

"I'm having flashbacks to Free! Iwatobi Swim Club," Usopp said darkly. Sanji lit up a cigarette. (1)

"Anyway, we think Shinra Electric is taking people's souls and using them to power our electronic devices," Sanji explained. Wolfgang looked up from his iPhone.

"Well, fuck," Wolfgang commented. Jin-Mao looked up from his own iPhone.

"There was a reason WHY I was watching Attack on Titan NOW?!" Jin-Mao cried. Kazura looked up from his iPhone.

"Well, I guess listening to the new Two Door Cinema Club songs can wait," Kazura said. Maeve then looked up from her iPhone.

"It all makes sense now..." Maeve said to herself.

"_She's up all night 'till the sun, I'm up all night to get some, we're up all night to have fun, we're up all night to get lucky. We're up all night 'till the sun, we're up all night to get some, we're up all night to have fun, we're up all night to get lucky. We're up all night to get lucky, we're up all night to get lucky, we're up all night to get lucky, we're up all night to get lucky_," Aoi sang.

"And, that's our cue to go do epic stuff," Sanji said.

* * *

><p>That night, after doing epic things, Aldwin, Maeve, the Libras, the Capricorns, and the Straw Hats were looking for a place to have dinner.<p>

"**Fact: The 34th President of Mexico ruled for less than an hour, then quit,**" Cube said.

"Swiggity sweat, where are we going to eat?" Sanji asked.

"I want McDonald's," Zoro stated.

"Shut up, Zoro!" Everyone else yelled.

"Let's go to Denny's," Maeve suggested. Everyone else gave weird looks at Maeve. "What? America's diner is always open."

"Don't suggest Denny's. Never suggest Denny's," Sanji explained seriously.

"I'm thinking Arby's," Kazura said.

"WTF? Nobody eats at Arby's!" Franky yelled. Kazura smirked.

"Exactly," Kazura answered.

"How about Red Lobster?" Maeve asked.

"No. Just no," Edmund answered.

"Let's go to Burger King. At least we can have it OUR way," Wolfgang said.

"Who eats at Burger King?" Kazura asked.

"Well, EXCUSE ME, princess!" Zoro remarked. Everyone grew silent.

"You know what? Let's just get sushi and never speak of this again," Aldwin suggested.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the group was having dinner at an Asian buffet.<p>

"**Fact: Sessue Hayakawa was originally offered the lead role in _The Shiek_**," Cube said.

"...And, then I said 'Bitch, don't make me photoshop Daenerys Targaryen's head onto the poster of _The Dragon Painter_," Locke said, finishing up an interesting story. Mikuri looked up.

"Well then," Mikuri commented.

"The fuck u just say? No!" Robin cried as she flipped the table over like a boss. Everyone around the world cheered for Robin. "Thank you, Swagmaster 2,000."

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Well, who wants to go fishing in the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.?" Maeve asked.

* * *

><p>Some time later, everyone was walking through a generic forest that has been seen in thousands of animes.<p>

"This sucks! I wanna go to Mexico!" Jodie yelled.

"Fuck no!" Robin cried before she fainted for no reason. Then, Robin regained consciousness. "Is it Weasel Stomping Day yet?"

Kazura turned to Aldwin.

"What drugs is Robin on?" Kazura asked Aldwin.

"How should I know? You were in this RPG party longer than me!" Aldwin yelled. Kazura just raised his hands.

"Woah. You don't need to get physical," Kazura said.

"**Fact: Donald Glover got his rap name 'Childish Gambino' from a Wu-Tang Clan name generator**," Cube said.

"OMG! Did I say you could talk?!" Robin yelled. Edmund said nothing as he duct-taped Robin's mouth. Before Robin could tear the tape off of her mouth, Edmund then duct-taped Robin's arms to her sides.

"'Murica," Edmund said.

"My songs know what you did in the dark!" Mason yelled, pointing to Aldwin. Aldwin sweatdropped.

"Okay..." Aldwin said. "Now, where do we go?"

"Home!" The Libras said.

"You just don't want to work with the Capricorns," Nami pointed out.

"But, of course," Kazura said.

"Too bad! Now we have to go and fight Sephiroth!" Maeve yelled as they walked into a cave.

"What about Shinra?" Aldwin asked.

"He's from Durarara and he's cool. Bullet says to leave him alone," Maeve said.

"That's the wrong Shinra," Jin-Mao pointed out.

"Who came first - Shinra from Durarara, or Shinra from Final Fantasy?!" Zoro yelled as they entered an area of the cave lit by blue crystals.

"Sephiroth, do you want a piece of bacon?!" Maeve yelled as she waved a strip of bacon around. Luffy then took the bacon strip and ate it.

"You owe me a pony!" Luffy yelled to Maeve. Then, the heavy metal version of _One-Winged Angel _began to play.

"Where is that music coming from?" Sanji asked everyone.

"Your mom!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"I don't like the sound of that, Jodie. Aoi, just go back to watching anime. Bullet, go sit in the corner. Leon, give me my pancakes back. Cube, stop talking so I can hear myself think!" Maeve yelled. "_I like turkeys._"

"I crack shipped Miller Pratt and Monkey D. Luffy BEFORE it was cool!" Aoi yelled before a badass motorcycle fell from the heavens. Without another word, Aoi got onto the motorcycle and sped off into the sunset.

"**Fact: Lana Del Rey's real name is 'Lizzy Grant'**," Cube said as Miller turned pale.

"Does anybody have a hat I can throw up in?" Miller asked. Edmund then took the hipster feodora Rhett was wearing off of his head.

"Here. Have it washed and returned to me by five. It's dry-clean only," Edmund explained. Miller then threw up into Rhett's hat as Rhett realized where his hat went.

"Where did my hat go?" Rhett asked everyone.

"Forget it, Rhett. Sephiroth is -" Nami said before something forced her to kneel onto the ground. Then, Sephiroth's sword stabbed Nami.

"Spoiler alert: Aeirth - I mean, Nami - dies."

"Shut up, Wiffles!" Everyone else yelled.

"Wait... If we're all here, then who's using Sephiroth's sword?" Maeve asked. Doflamingo then entered the cave, carrying coffee from Starbucks.

"What up, peasants?" Doflamingo asked.

"Are you playing Sephiroth?" Kazura asked. Doflamingo dropped his coffee.

"OMG! You know my name, not my story!" Doflamingo yelled.

"That doesn't tell us anything," Aldwin pointed out. Doflamingo just got out his iPhone.

"You have low selfie-esteem, as Ezra Koenig would say," Doflamingo said before he took a selfie, duckface included. "Best check yourself before you wreck yourself. Hashtag, YOLO, swag, twerk."

Doflamingo then twerked his way out of the cave. Everyone grew silent.

"So, who's actually playing Sephiroth?" Zoro asked, not caring that Nami died.

"Me! Bow to me, peasants!"

Ajax flew into the room, wearing a mini-Sephiroth costume for pigeons. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Ajax, there's a reason I wanted a dog for Christmas, not a pigeon," Showtarou explained. "Dogs don't randomly kill people and try and take over the world."

"What about cats?" Dewey asked as he held Alec up.

"Put me down, peasant," Alec told the shota.

"Cats are... Just there to make the internet go 'round. Without them, there'd be more creepy shit on 4chan," Showtarou explained.

"How are we supposed to defeat Ajax?" Aldwin asked everyone.

"You have a weapon, right? Use it," Edmund asked.

"I don't even have a weapon!" Aldwin yelled. Edmund said nothing as he picked up Aldwin. "What the -"

Hancock then magically appeared.

"Don't get a divorce. Get a donut," Hancock said before she disappeared. Edmund then threw Aldwin on top of Ajax, crushing the evil pigeon.

"Ow! My coccyx!" Aldwin yelled. Alto, Chopper, and Ageha began to laugh.

"I learned that word from The Simpsons!" Ageha laughed. Edmund leaned closert to Aldwin.

"What's going on?! I'm straight for Mae -" Aldwin said before Edmund cut him off.

"I drink your milkshake," Edmund whispered. Aldwin then screamed.

"I want my tomato sauce!" Aldwin yelled.

* * *

><p>Aldwin then awoke in his bed.<p>

"I am never playing Final Fantasy with Maeve and her mind people again," Aldwin said to himself before he took a swig of milk.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Please read the chapter **Usoppnocchio **to understand why Usopp is having flashbacks to Free! Iwatobi Swim Club/Swimming Anime/Free!

**Review if you want to see other parodies of Final Fantasy games!**


	104. Partying in Las Vegas

**Author's Note:** I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that writing a parody of Attack on Titan for this fic is giving me severe writers' block, so the idea will be scrapped for now. The good news is that you're getting the partying in Las Vegas chapter early. Are we clear?

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, aside from my OCs.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day in the walled city of Wall Maria, as Eren Yeager and Mikasa Ackerman did their normal routine.<p>

That is, until the Fire Nation attacked.

"Notice us! We haven't been noticed in forever!" Terrance yelled.

"What is it, Eren?!" Beal asked Eren and Mikasa, who sweatdropped.

"Meow." Was all Mikasa could say.

Then, a Titan attacked Wall Maria. Humanity was served a grim reminder that day - Not only are the Aries Pirates ignored, but there are also Titans. Which one is more important to the story?

* * *

><p>Anyway, our ACTUAL story begins in an upper-class suburb in Southern California, as the Abingdon family sat down for breakfast.<p>

"So, kids, you Spring Break starts today," Kartik said.

"_Please don't go into Homestuck Troll mode. Please don't go into Homestuck Troll mode_," The Abingdon children thought to themselves.

"You know how your father and I have been discussing the possibility of going out of town for Spring Break? It's going to happen. Pack your bags," Matsu explained.

"Yes, yes, YES! We are going to Portland, Oregon!" Edmund yelled, punching his fist into the air. Kartik and Matsu smiled.

"We'll see, son," Kartik said to Edmund.

* * *

><p>An hour later, the Abingdons were in the car, travelling to wherever it was they were going.<p>

"Who remembers this?" Rhett asked as he held up a Bop-It.

"Where did you find that?" Edmund asked.

"The trunk," Rhett answered. "Now, who wants to play Bop-It?"

Kartik turned back to his kids and turned into a purple-blooded Homestuck Troll.

"Don't you dare play that game! There's a reason why it was in the trunk!" Kartik yelled with a demonic tone of voice. Trembling, Rhett threw the Bop-It out of the window, which landed in another car.

"Awesome! A sex toy!" Ace yelled.

"Cool! It's that one game!" Luffy yelled.

"Shut up, or we're not going to Disneyland!" Garp yelled from the front seat.

"Gramps, we're driving the wrong way to go to Disneyland," Ace pointed out. Garp grew quiet.

"They found out..." Garp said to himself before clearing his throat. "We're actually not going to Disneyland. We're actually going to the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic convention at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Desert Village."

Luffy and Ace shuddered.

"Turn. This car. Around. Now. Or. I will. Scream. And throw things. And cry like a G6," Ace threatened.

"**Fact: Homestuck has 10 million possible ships**," Cube said. Luffy and Ace turned to their left, and they saw Maeve, who was engrossed in a video on her phone.

"Wow... I never knew this episode of Spongebob was a metaphor for the Scottish prison system," Maeve commented to herself. "I need to get some macaroni and cheese, some soccer balls, and some hentai anime. Also, Luffy, do you know where Llewellyn is? I need him. We're going to Scotland to break out a horse."

Ace and Luffy grew silent.

"'Murica," Luffy commented.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Abingdons were on the side of the road, taking pictures for a road called "Zzyzx Road".<p>

"OMG! Zzyzx selfies!" Edmund yelled as he took a selfie.

"Time to go, Edmund. We need to be in Vegas by a certain time," Matsu said from the car. With a frown, Edmund got back inside the car.

"I thought we were going to Portland!" Edmund cried.

"We will, but we're stopping in Vegas for a day," Kartik said re-assuingly. "Also, we are never flying with American Airways again. Connecting flights are a pain."

Edmund grew silent.

"Okay," Edmund said like the "Okay" meme guy.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Abingdons pulled up to a fancy casinohotel in the heart of the Strip in Las Vegas.

"Sir, there's a girl with pigtails and a miniskirt in the trunk of your car. Take her out of your trunk right now, or we will have to report you to the police," Moria - the valet person at the hotel - said to Kartik.

"Not until you admit that you have an addiction to porn," Edmund whispered to his siblings. Kartik opened the trunk, and Llewellyn jumped out, wearing a miniskirt and two pigtails.

"AM I SUGOI YET?!" Llewellyn yelled. Kartik sweatdropped.

"Why are you wearing a skirt?" Kartik asked like any other sane man in the same situation would ask.

"Oh... Maeve and I went to Scotland! Then, Ivankov knocked me out, so here I am!" Llewellyn said. "Please, call me 'Lulu' until I'm a lad again."

"Okay..." Kartik said. "I just hope my kids aren't watching."

"We're ten feet away, dad!" Amelia yelled from ten feet away. Kartik turned back to Lulu (Llewellyn).

"Where is the rest of your crew?" Kartik asked. Then, the rest of the Aries approached them. Like Llewellyn, they were also genderbent.

"Oh, hey, Terra, Leon, Ao, Sally, Danielle, Kimball, Yomi, Indy, Bea. What's up?" Lulu (Llewellyn) asked his genderbent crew.

"Nothing much, except I'm a girl now," Terra (Terrance) answered.

"I thought we were guys earlier during the Attack on Titan scene," Bea (Beal) pointed out.

"_We turned into girls after that_," Danielle (Donovan) said telepathically.

"Where's Ivankov? I don't want to be called 'Lulu-chan'," Lulu (Llewellyn) asked everyone.

"Hey, Lulu-chan," Malachy said as he walked by. Lulu (Llewellyn) said nothing as she got out her war scythe.

"What the bloody fuck did you say to me, ye bastard?! Get your arse over here, or I will knock you with me polearm into next fucking Wednesday!" Lulu (Llewellyn) yelled as she chased after Malachy. Then, Keating approached the group.

"I've made a huge mistake," Keating said to himself. Edmund turned to his siblings.

"What does this have to do with the plot?" Edmund asked. Bridey just got out a script for this chapter and started to flip through it.

"I don't know, but it says here that you get hit with the not-sharp part of Llewellyn's war scythe in five seconds," Bridey explained. As if on cue, Llewellyn's war scythe - minus the blade - then hit Edmund, knocking him out.

* * *

><p>When Edmund awoke, he was in a very fancy room in the hotel.<p>

"What happened?" Edmund asked himself before he remembered the events of the previous scene. "Oh, yeah. Llewellyn was a girl and I'm in Vegas. Just another day for me."

Edmund got up and noticed that it was dark outside. With a sigh, he went into the main room of the penthouse suite, where the Capricorns and Libras were waiting. All of the Capricorns were decked out in expensive, designer, formal wear.

"I've made a huge mistake," Edmund said before he spun on his heel and turned around. Rhett then grabbed Edmund's wrist. "Make it quick so I can read or something. Colin Meloy's _Wildwood Imperium _won't finish itself."

"You have to stay with us. Mom and dad only brought us here to party. Thankfully, loopholes got abused and I invited our friends," Rhett explained. Edmund sighed and approached the Libras.

"Did Rhett make you attend this party under duress?" Edmund asked.

"No. Mom and dad forced me," Kazura answered.

"My mom and dad did, too," Pearl said.

"I was just invited, like almost everyone else," Fernando said with a shrug. Then, the Straw Hats entered the room.

"**Fact: The co-creators of the cartoon Rugrats got divorced while working on the show**," Cube said.

"Whoo-hoo! Party!" Maeve shouted.

"Party? Wait... Why is this not McDonald's?!" Zoro cried.

"Because it's not a McDonald's," Nami answered, casually eating a donut. Everyone grew silent.

"So, I have a few words to get this party started," Heathcliffe said.

"If it's My Chemical Romance, I'm walking out," Miller said.

"It is My Chemical Romance. Want your White Keys or whoever they are -" Heathcliffe said before he was cut off.

"They're not 'White Keys'! They're The Black Keys!" Miller shouted. Heathcliffe sighed.

"Look alive, sunshine. 109 in the sky, but the pigs won't quit. You're here with me: Dr. Death-Defying. I'll be your surgeon, your proctor, your helicopter. Pumping out the slaughtermatic sounds to keep you alive. A system failure for the masses, empty matter for the master plan. Louder than God's revolver, and twice as shiny. This one's for you, all you rock'n'rollers. All you crash queens and motor babes, listen up!" Heathcliffe ranted. "The future is bulletproof! The aftermath is secondary! It's time to do it now and do it loud! KILLJOYS, MAKE SOME NOISE!"

Everyone in the room grew silent.

"**Fact: Cameron Diaz bought marijuana from Snoop Dogg in high school**," Cube said. All hell then broke loose with a single bass drop. Then, the dubstep started to play.

"PLEASE JUST TAKE THESE FUCKING FLOWERS!" Edmund yelled, pulling flowers out of a nearby vase and thrusting them into Yukari's face.

"Let's move in together!" Yukari shouted to Edmund. Edmund grabbed Chopper and began to wave him in the air.

"We'll have children!" Edmund yelled, setting Chopper down.

"I'll make cupcakes!" Yukari yelled as she threw cupcakes at the Capricorns.

"I will massage your shoulders daily!" Edmund yelled to Yukari.

"I'll make you dinner when you come home from work!" Yukari yelled, throwing various trays of food either out of the window or onto the Capricorns.

"I'll play James Blunt songs from a CD!" Edmund yelled, picking up Wolfgang's DJ table and throwing it out of the window.

"Let's buy a car!" Yukari shouted to Edmund.

"I'll make you an omlette for breakfast!" Edmund yelled, throwing an omlette into Heathcliffe's face.

"I'll do dishes for you!" Yukari shouted as she threw the silverware around.

"Let's watch the last season of Mad Men together!" Edmund yelled as he threw a Mad Men DVD boxset into the flat-screen T.V. on the wall. "I FUCKING LOVE YOU!"

Edmund then screamed.

"I FUCKING LOVE YOU, YOU COCK -!" Yukari shouted back before the dubstep stopped playing.

"Did I miss anything?"

The Leos walked in.

"Go home," Everyone else said. Leo threw his hands in the air.

"You have made a huge mistake! This is not a joke!" Leo yelled.

"I hope they tricked us and actually invited us to party," Alabama said blankly.

"No, Alabama, they're not 'tricks', they're 'illusions'! Tricks are what whores do for money!" Leo yelled. Edmund blinked.

"Maeve, are these the Arrested Development-themed pirates you talk about?" Edmund asked.

"Yep! They've made a huge mistake!" Maeve answered.

"Hey. We came to the party for the girls."

The Geminis entered the suite.

"You can't have any," Sanji said, crossing his arms to form an X with his arms. "Also, Pomponia, Yue, and Greta can't have the D... Donuts."

A dark aura surrounded Linus.

"Say one more thing about my bitches! I dare you!" Linus yelled. Sanji sighed, and Linus' aura faded away.

"Fine. However, I get Marlene-chawn," Sanji yelled. Daruma and Marlene laughed before Daruma pointed his crossbow at Sanji's neck and Marlene pointed her harpoon gun at Sanji's balls.

"I am going to kill you for that crack you made about Marlene. Friendly reminder that I sleep with her," Daruma explained.

"We didn't need to know that," Miller whispered to Edmund.

"You only sleep with Marlene because she's a Fishwoman!" Linus yelled.

"No, he doesn't. This is because Marlene-chawn is..." Sanji said before he put on his Mr. Prince sunglasses. "...The only fish in this sea."

_Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh!_

Everyone grew silent.

"Can this party be over now? We could all care less," Aurelia asked.

"The party didn't even start yet!" The Capricorns yelled.

"We're ending it!" The Libras yelled back.

"But, first, three questions - Is your bed made? Is your sweater on?" Edmund asked. "I won't say the third question, unless I want Linus to kill me."

The Geminis grew silent.

"You're one of the reasons I'm banned from attending Modest Mouse concerts in Nothern California," Linus said to Edmund darkly.

"SILENCE!"

Kuma entered the room, and everyone immediately went silent. Silently, Kuma turned to a page in his Bible and started to read from it.

"In teh beginz is teh meow, and teh meow sez 'Oh hai Ceiling Cat' and teh meow iz teh Ceiling Cat. Teh meow an teh Ceiling Cat iz teh bests frenz in teh begins. Him maeks alls teh cookies; no cookies iz maed wifout him. Him haz teh liefs, an becuz ov teh liefs teh doodz sez 'Oh hay lite.' Teh lite iz pwns teh darks, but teh darks iz liek 'Wtf'," Kuma read from his LOLCat Bible.

"Go home, Kuma!" Everyone else yelled. Kuma closed his LOLCat Bible.

"Well, then," Kuma commented before he left the hotel room. Edmund began to cry.

"Take me with you!" Edmund yelled. A few minutes later...

"We're here! Ivankov turned us back to normal!" Beal announced as the Aries entered the hotel suite, carrying snacks, drinks, and boxes of pizza. However, the sight that greeted them was less normal - Parts of the room were on fire, stuff in the room was destroyed, many people were passed out, Aleksandar was duct-taped to the ceiling in a bizzare shout-out to Mary Winchester from Supernatural, Edmund was sitting in the corner in the fetal position, and Miller and Heathcliffe were in a cat-fight in the middle of the room.

"Uhh..." Beal said.

"We'll come back later," Leira said before the Aries made a hasty retreat from the disastrous party in Las Vegas.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see various shenanigans such as the Libras' video blogs, Wolfgang's blog, or even Peony's self-insert fanfiction where she is the Mary Sueself-inserted character.**


	105. Happy Birthday, Aki and Miller!

**Author's Note: **Originally, I was supposed to update my other fics, then work on the Halloween chapter for this fic. But, as I was leaving for school yesterday, the power went out at my house for a few seconds, then came back on. Inspiration then struck me, so I decided to write this in honor of the birthdays of two, beloved characters - Aki Chung-Feng (October 24th) and Miller Pratt (October 23rd).

Also, this chapter is a first in **The DysFUNctional Pirates - **This is the first chapter where the majority of the story is told through a flashback. Honestly, I think I pulled it off really well, which is why this chapter is an instant favorite with me.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or any pop culture references used.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal night on (insert island name here)... But, the Hyperion was on fire, Yuki-Rin was cosplaying as Castiel from Supernatural, Aki and Heathcliffe were only wearing towels, and Enlai was screaming in agony over the burning ship.<p>

"Oh, my God!" Enlai cried.

"**Fact: Puppies can't see rainbows**," Cube said. However, Cube's fun fact didn't give any context for what was going on. So, we must look to the past in order to make sense of what the H-E-double sippy straws is going on.

* * *

><p><strong>*Begin Flashback, Several Hours Ago*<strong>

_The Capricorns sat in the Hyperion, celebrating Aki's birthday._

_"Thank you, everyone, for the gifts! I love all of them," Aki said to her nakama. "However, Sarutobi-kun's gifts are obviously the best since he's my caring and handsome boyfriend, and Yuki-Rin's is probably the worst, since she's not a girly-girl like me."_

_Yuki-Rin looked into the bag that contained her gift for Aki, revealing all eight seasons of Supernatural on DVD._

_"I told you to get the Hunger Games-inspired nail polish," Hana said. "But, no. You wanted to go with Daisuke to buy Pokémon X and Y."_

_"Team Fennekin," Yuki-Rin said, punching her fist into the air._

_"No, Yuki-Rin, you don't understand! Froakie or die!" Daisuke yelled._

_"Anyway, what did you get Aki?" Yuki-Rin asked Hana._

_"The Hunger Games-inspired nail polish. I was also going to get her all the expensive hair stuff she likes, but blame it on the yaoi," Hana said. Everyone stared at Hana. "What?! You already know that I love yaoi!"_

_"Do you like my gift, Aki?" Showtarou asked, with his eyes puppy dog-sized._

_"Expensive chocolate? I like it. But, not as much as all of the dresses, shoes, bags, perfumes, soaps, shampoos, conditioners, pastries, chocolates, silk nightgowns, nail stuff, and shirtless pictures of Sarutobi-kun that Sarutobi-kun got me," Aki said with a smile on her face. Showtarou got up._

_"Oi, pretty boy! You, me, outside, NOW!" Showtarou yelled. "My cousin likes you over me!"_

_"Because I know what feminism is!" Heathcliffe yelled, snapping his fingers. "And, I totally did not get naked or semi-naked to film a parody video of the new Panic! At the Disco music video for Aki!" (1)_

_Everyone sweatdropped. Yuki-Rin and Kazuma slowly got up and left the room._

_"Now what?" Kazuma asked. Yuki-Rin grew silent._

_"Let's go to the movies!" Yuki-Rin yelled cheerfully._

_"Hell yeah!" Kazuma yelled._

* * *

><p><em>On the Coachella, a similar birthday party was in full swing. But, it was not for Aki. It was for Miller, since his birthday is a day before Aki's birthday.<em>

_"Well, thank you all for the gifts and the party. Although my birthday is a day before Aki's birthday, mine is better because I get flannel shirts and lumberjack and hipster stuff," Miller said._

_"And because you are not a shallow girly-girl. Oh, wait, you're a guy," Pearl said._

_"Yeah. Like mom or the past version of her wants to be a lumberjack and/or hipster," Lien said in agreement. "It would be weird, though. I can't picture my mom as a hipster."_

_The power then went out on the Coachella._

_"Terrific. The power's out, and my Mac was charging," Kazura said flatly. Everyone grew silent, hoping it was one of those blackouts that lasted for only a few seconds. But, the power didn't come back on in those few seconds._

_"Anybody up for a round of Cards Against Humanity?" Edmund suggested. "We could be here a while, so get a light source and leave your sanity at the door."_

* * *

><p><em>A few minutes later...<em>

_"Okay, we're going to be divided in a boys vs. girls match-up. Ultimate winner takes all, and, no, Miller is not the ultimate winner just because it's his birthday," Edmund explained to everyone._

_"Who will I be playing against?" Miller asked._

_"Fifty says that you're going to play against Mason at some point!" Lien shouted from across the room._

_"Twenty says that you're playing against Stella-Rondo!" Locke shouted from the other side._

_"I say Nigel!"_

_"No, Miller's playing against Jin-Mao!"_

_"No! Miller is going to go against Kazura!"_

_"No! I say Miller is going to have to beat Yukari at some point!"_

_"Obviously, he's going to play against Edmund!"_

_"Why doesn't Miller play against Mason, Stella-Rondo, Nigel, Jin-Mao, Kazura, Yukari, AND Edmund?"_

_Everyone turned to Fernando._

_"Shut up, Fernando," Edmund said._

* * *

><p><em>Several minutes later, the first round of Cards Against Humanity was in full swing.<em>

_"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! You do NOT suggest that Taylor Swift is my future husband!" Edmund yelled to Mason._

_"It was either Taylor Swift, a wallaby, or your mom's ex-boyfriend!" Mason yelled back. Edmund got up from his seat._

_"Want to fight about it, Sarutobi?! I'm sure your Uncle Heathcliffe falls under the umbrella of 'your mom's ex-boyfriend'!" Edmund threatened. Mason got up._

_"Bring it on, Abingdon! Every girl knows that they want to [papas fritas] my Uncle Heathcliffe!" Mason yelled. Stella-Rondo then grabbed Mason. "Let me go, Stella-Rondo!"_

_Miller then grabbed Edmund._

_"Pratt, you have five seconds to put me down before my foot 'accidentally' kicks you somewhere," Edmund threatened._

_"I am not putting you down until you stop threating Mason over Heathcliffe. Every girl already knows that Heathcliffe Sarutobi is attractive. I just find Heathcliffe Sarutobi to be full of himself," Miller explained. "Plus, The Sarutobi Siblings are too mainstream as a band."_

_"Why are we agreeing with you when our dads make up the band?" Aurelia, Locke, Pearl, Lien, Aleksandar, and Mason asked Miller. Rhett sighed._

_"As of tonight, I am making new house rules for Cards Against Humanity. We can't go on like this," Rhett explained to everyone._

* * *

><p><em>On the Bravia, the Geminis realized that the power to the whole island was out.<em>

_"Oh. Okay," Arvin said._

_"I don't see how we are relevant to the current events in this story," Linus mused._

_"Because we realized something before everyone else did, dumbass," Greta answered. Linus grew quiet._

_"Mommy," Linus said quietly._

* * *

><p><em>On the Hyperion, which was also without power...<em>

_"I'm bored!" Daisuke yelled._

_"Play your new, Pokémon games," Yulia answered._

_"How can I do that when my 3DS is dead and needs to be re-charged?" Daisuke asked. Yulia's mouth opened in shock._

_"Holy shit! Daisuke just proved a point!" Yulia cried. "It's the apocalypse!"_

_Yuki-Rin - who was now cosplaying as Castiel from Supernatural - and Kazuma then entered the dark, candlelit Hyperion. Yuki-Rin had a dazed look on her face._

_"Are you even okay, Yuki-Rin?! Jesus Christ!" Enlai cried._

_"Imagine your OTP - Aki and Heathcliffe - taking a shower or bath together, but instead of getting frisky, they innocently goof around in the water and wash each other's hair and relax in each other's arms," Yuki-Rin said blankly. The Capricorns grew silent._

_"Go sit in the coner," Gareth said, pointing a finger to Yuki-Rin. Aki and Heathcliffe turned to each other._

_"I need a shower!" Aki and Heathcliffe said at the same time before they left the room. Everyone else sweatdropped._

_"Why, Yuki-Rin? Why?" Soren asked._

* * *

><p><em>An hour later, the power was STILL out on the entire island.<em>

_"Is this a pigeon?" Beal asked his crew members as a butterfly flew up to him. The Arieses sweatdropped._

_"Why are there pigeons out at nighttime?" Terrance asked his crew._

_"No, the more important question is this - Why are there butterflies out at nighttime?" Aomame asked._

* * *

><p><em>On the Thousand Sunny...<em>

_"Is this a pigeon?" Usopp asked as Ajax flew up to him._

_"Usopp, run!" The Straw Hats yelled. Maeve then dived in front of Usopp, grabbed Ajax, and flung Ajax away._

_"There. Now the bad birdy won't hurt you," Maeve told Usopp._

_"**Fact: The man who voiced Nigel Thornberry played Dr. Frank-en-Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show**," Cube said._

* * *

><p><em>On the Coachella...<em>

_"YIKES, just hit my word count limit. Thanks for listening. FUCK HANS. Panda, you're cool. Nathan, I'm sorry I didn'tgive you more of a chance. You died WAY too young. To my ex-wife, I will never stop loving you. My failure to save our marriage haunts me to this day. I hope you and our son are enjoying life in Atlanta," Edmund ranted. (2)_

_"I think Edmund is getting a bit too stir-crazy without the power," Rhett said to Yukari and Kazura._

_"Does this include trying to beat up Mason?" Kazura asked._

_"No, that was during the rounds of Cards Against Humanity. Now we're just eating Miller's birthday cake," Rhett explained before he took a bite of the birthday cake._

_"The fridge isn't working, right?" Yukari asked. Kazura nodded. "Rhett, doesn't Edmund keep all of his horchata drinks in the fridge?! He's going crazy without it!" (3)_

_"Well, we can't just go and buy more horchata. The power's out to the entire island, so that means stores are closed," Rhett explained._

_Edmund then groaned loudly._

_"I hate my selfie and want to diet!" Edmund cried. Rhett turned back to Yukari and Kazura. (4)_

_"I think we know what to do at this point - Go to the power company and get the power back on," Rhett explained. "You two, me, and a couple others."_

_"Okay. Maybe we can bring Edmund so he can get all the horchata he wants," Kazura said._

_"I feel tempted to bring Miller on the grounds that it's his birthday," Yukari said. Rhett turned back to Edmund._

_"Edmund, Yukari, Kazura, Miller, and I are going out to get the power back! Want to come along? You can bring anybody you want!" Rhett yelled. Edmund slowly turned to his younger brother._

_"I'm bringing Stella-Rondo. She'd be a better voice of reason than any of the Sarutobis," Edmund said. Mason then began to cry._

_"Why don't you love me anymore, sempai?!" Mason sobbed._

* * *

><p><em>Over at the power plant, Eustass Kidd was working yet another shift and he wanted to kill somebody like he always does.<em>

_"Excuse me?!" Kidd cried. "I don't always kill somebody, but when I do, it's Trafalgar Law. Stay thristy, my friends."_

_Kidd said nothing as he sat back down, wishing he could down the hall to the vending machine to buy some Oreos._

_"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THIS IS SHIT! THIS IS A PIECE OF SHIT! NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD EVER HAVE THIS MUCH POWER! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! THERE WAS A SET AMOUNT OF ICING ON EACH FUCKING OREO AND THAT IS HOW IT SHOULD BE! GIVE US THIS MUCH POWER, THE ICING WILL BE SO UNEASILY SPLIT UP THAT WE WILL HAVE, LIKE, TWENTY COOKIES LEFT AND NO FUCKING ICING LEFT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT THAT DESTROYS SOCIETIES AND TOPPLES THE GOVERNMENT! THIS IS TRYING TO SPARK GREED AND LUST AND GLUTTONY INTO THE HEARTS OF EVERYONE! THIS IS FUCKING EVIL! DON'T BUY INTO THIS SHIT! FUCK THIS, AND FUCK YOU, MOREOS!" Kidd shouted, explaining why he does not like Oreos. (5)_

_"Well, fine," The Authoress said before she walked away. Kidd sighed and resumed reading the copy of Seventeen magazine he was reading earlier._

_"Oh, so that's how you get a thigh gap. I wish I could have a prettyful thigh gap like Hawkins' thigh gap," Kidd said to himself. Then, Kidd's Hello Kitty phone rang and he picked it up. "What do you want? Killer, what the fuck do you mean by 'a bunch of hipsters have stormed the power plant'? You're fired! I'm replacing you with dinosaur!X. Drake, because at least a fucking dinosaur can listen to me!"_

_Kidd hung up._

_"I'm not a Krusty Krab," Kidd muttered to himself._

* * *

><p><em>In the power control room, Eneru was sitting there and blasting Eminem through his headphones, since Eneru IS the One Piece equivalent to Eminem.<em>

_"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?!" Eneru shouted as Yukari, Kazura, Miller, Rhett, Edmund, and Stella-Rondo approached him. Eneru said nothing as he turned his 1996-era CD player off and took his headphones out of his ears. "Can I help you?"_

_Miller then got his hatchet out._

_"Press '1' for 'shut up and go home'!" Miller yelled._

_"There is no 'shut up and go home' button," Eneru said._

_"There is here!" Edmund cried. "Why is the power out when, clearly, your fucking power plant is up and running?!"_

_"The mayor of this island didn't pay his electricity bill, so we've had to shut the power off until he does," Eneru explained. "Also, sir, put down the hatchet, or else I will cut off power to Alabasta and Water Seven. They haven't done anything to deserve this."_

_With a frown, Miller put his hatchet down._

_"I really don't believe that the mayor's electric bills caused this outage," Kazura said. Eneru sighed like an annoyed, teenaged girl._

_"Fine. I was pissed that the authoress didn't give me enough screentime, so I shut off the power during the crucial few chapters before this fic gets put on hiatus for **The DysFUNctional Christmas**," Eneru explained. "Plus, a little bird told me that one of the chapters of **The DysFUNctional Christmas **was going to be set in Yukijima, so -"_

_"Aw, hell no!" Yukari, Kazura, Miller, Edmund, Rhett, and Stella-Rondo cried. Eneru blinked._

_"Pretend you didn't hear that, and I will turn the power back on," Eneru requested._

_"Wait, if you're turning the power back on now, then how did the Hyperion catch on fire?" Yukari asked._

* * *

><p><em>On board the Hyperion...<em>

_"We got the kerosene lanterns," Mikuri said as he and Sayuki entered the room, carrying kerosene and kerosene lanterns. Then, the lights and other electronics on the Hyperion turned on._

_"Mikuri-sempai, no!" Kazuma yelled, concerned for his nakama._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

><p>Since the story has been told, we re-join the Capricorns, who are standing in front of their burning ship.<p>

"Oh, my God!" Enlai cried in agony.

"Enlai, calm down. We managed to put out the fire caused by Mikuri and Sayuki's kerosene lamps," Kartik said. Mikuri and Sayuki said nothing as they threw their kerosene lamps into the ocean. Enlai stopped screaming.

"Then, why are we outside?" Enlai asked.

"Well, we had to evacuate the ship for the crew's safety. It's hard to evacuate Aki and Heathcliffe when they're both in the tub in their swimsuits and they're washing each other's hair, you know," Wolfgang explained.

"Why is Yuki-Rin cosplaying?" Aki asked.

"You mean my Castiel cosplay? Kazuma and I went LARP-ing, and I decided to be Castiel today. The guy at Krispy Kreme even gave me free donuts because he was watching Supernatural before I walked in," Yuki-Rin explained.

"That explains why we're outside, why Aki and Heathcliffe are in towels, why I smell gasoline, and why Yuki-Rin is cosplaying Castiel," Daisuke said. "However, there is one unanswered question left - If our ship isn't on fire, then who's ship is on fire?"

"It can't be the Sunny, since I can see the figurehead from here, and it is defintely not on fire," Holden observed, stroking his chin.

"It's probably the Coachella. I need to remind my son from the future that although he may hate me, he has no right to hold those weird parties hipsters tend to throw," Kazuma reasoned.

"Fair enough. Back on the ship, everyone," Wolfgang said before the Capricorns left the scene. A few feet away, the Leos were standing around, since it was their ship, the Dolomite, that caught on fire.

"Oh, my God!" Leo screamed in agony. "I've made a huge mistake!"

Alabama sighed.

"Every year. This happens every year," Alabama said to herself. On the decks of the Coachella, the Libras were watching the Leos freak out over their burning ship.

"You know, despite Edmund going bonkers, the power outage, and the fire that's raging right now, this is one of the best birthdays I've had," Miller remarked.

"And one of the few birthdays among this crew that the Capricorns haven't fucked up royally," Kazura said before he knocked on the mast of the ship.

"That doesn't explain why the Leo's ship is on fire," Stella-Rondo pointed out.

"Not our ship, not our division," Edmund answered. "Now, who wants birthday cake and horchata?"

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>The Panic! At the Disco song I'm referring to is _Girls/Girls/Boys_. Look the video up on Youtube.

**(2) - **This is from Ezra Koenig's (from Vampire Weekend) review of the new Drake album. Google "Ezra Koenig Drake review", since it's pretty hilarious.

**(3) -** Horchata is a type of rice, almonds, and barley drink from Mexico.

**(4) - **This is a Tweet from Ezra Koenig.

**(5) - **Kidd's all-caps rant is from the infamous Moreos guy on Tumblr.

Fun fact - Originally, I was supposed to do a chapter like this for Hana's birthday.

**Anyway, review if you want to see more flashback chapters!**


	106. The Shichibukai's Prank Calls

**Author's Note: **Here's the story of how this chapter came around - The other night, I just finished either writing part of a fic or reading part of a fic, when my mind suddenly blanked out on story ideas, leading to some very severe writers' block. But, after reading a few prank call fics, I got new ideas for my fics.

Also, anybody speaking in italics for this chapter is a Shichibukai. And, a character's name in bold is whatever character gets prank-called.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal night at the Shichibukai Bat Cave, as the Shichibukai did shots.<p>

"Oooh, yes. That's the spot," Crocodile moaned as Doflamingo plunged the needle into his arm. "Now I won't get the flu this winter. Thanks for making all of us get flu shots."

"No problem. That hipster kid told me to," Doflamingo said.

"What hipster kid? There are several of them, and most of them are on one crew," Crocodile asked.

"I meant Law, not the Libras," Doflamingo said. Everyone grew silent. "Let's call random people! We're so drunk, it's that Ed Sheeran song!"

The Shichibukai blinked.

"Okay..." Mihawk said in the voice of Hazel Grace Lancaster. Doflamingo said nothing as he picked up his Barbie Princess phone.

"Who should we call first?" Doflamingo asked.

"Whoever is the first to give me more porn!" Moria yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Mason<strong>

On the Coachella, the Libras were all watching T.V.

"Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine," Edmund muttered to himself. Locke looked down at his laptop in disgust.

"Okay, Youtube fun time is over," Locke said as he unplugged his Mac from the T.V. Mason's phone then rang.

"A-O River!" Mason yelled into his phone.

"_Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine. Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine. Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine. Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine, Yukari. Do it for the Vine_."

"I'm not Yukari! I'm Mason!" Mason yelled before he hung up. The rest of the Libras sweatdropped.

"Yeah. Youtube fun time is over," Locke told everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Hana<strong>

On the Hyperion, Hana was reading Captain Jack x Ianto yaoi, when her phone rang.

"Hello?" Hana asked.

"_Hello, I'm the Doctor. I'm outside with the TARDIS, and if you don't come out here with the prettiest boys on your crew in fifteen minutes, my TARDIS will go 'boom' and Doctor Who goes bye-bye._"

Hana gasped.

"I'll be right there," Hana said before she hung up. "Heathcliffe, Holden, Soren, we have to go look for the Doctor!"

* * *

><p><strong>Usopp<strong>

"Hello?" Usopp asked.

"_This is Ajax. You are going to die in seven days._"

Usopp then screamed and passed out.

* * *

><p><strong>Heathcliffe<strong>

Heathcliffe was in the shower, because he obviously did not hear Hana. Then, his phone rang.

"What do you want? I'm busy shampooing my hair into funny shapes," Heathcliffe asked.

"_Haven't you people ever heard of closing the Goddamn door?!_"

Heathcliffe grinned.

"I love that song, man," Heathcliffe said. "_No, but it's better to think these types of things with a sense of poise and rationality!_"

"..._You're in the shower. How the fuck did you not get electrocuted yet?_"

"My phone is in a sandwich bag," Heathcliffe answered.

* * *

><p><strong>Nigel<strong>

After the "Do it for the Vine, Yukari" incident, the Libras went off and did their own things.

"Hello?" Nigel asked, seconds after his cell phone rang.

"_What's the color of the next car?_"

"Red car," Nigel answered. Then, the other Libras jumped out of nowhere.

"Red, you bastard!" The Libras shouted, since Nigel forgot that his phone was stuck on speaker mode.

* * *

><p><strong>Arvin<strong>

Arvin said nothing as he answered his ringing phone.

"Makipag-usap sa akin," Arvin said to whoever was on the other line. (1)

"_I just tested positive for several sexually-transmitted infections, and I have named you as a recent sexual partner. You need to come down to the clinic._"

"...I think you want to talk to Linus," Arvin said after a moment of awkward silence.

"_No, because his name is not 'Arvin Pinark'._"

Arvin began to shake, causing him to drop his phone.

* * *

><p><strong>Beal<strong>

"Hello? I am not the Tenth Doctor or David Tennant, by the way," Beal said.

"_Doctor, it's me, Captain Jack Harkness. We need to go to Las Vegas right now. We're getting married in five hours, and Mickey is stuck on the roof of Caesar's Palace. Bring some pears. And maybe a gun._"

Beal sweatdropped and hung up.

* * *

><p><strong>Moana<strong>

"Make it quick. I need to get back to editing my latest Vine video," Moana said into her phone.

"_Do you think Sasuke Uchiha is kawaii, desu?_"

Moana said nothing as she threw her cell phone out the window.

* * *

><p><strong>Indie<strong>

"Hello?" Indie asked. "Before you ask, no, you are not taking Beal to Vegas."

"_You pronounce the letter Z as 'Zed', right?_"

Indie blinked.

"No... Why?" Indie asked.

"_Because you and your crew are from Canada! You're supposed to pronounce it as 'Zed'._"

Indie blinked. Then, she hung up the phone like every other sane person in this oneshot.

* * *

><p><strong>Chopper<strong>

"Hello?" Chopper asked.

"_The goat, as exemplified here, does not give two shits._"

Chopper grew pale.

"I need an adult," Chopper said before he hung up.

* * *

><p><strong>Annalease<strong>

"Hello?" Annalease asked.

"_Are you Annalease Pratt, cousin of Miller Pratt?_"

"Yes. What happened to Miller?" Annalease asked.

"_This is Heathcliffe Sarutobi. My brothers and I have Miller. Should you fail to comply with my phone call, we will make Miller one of those Killjoys from that My Chemical Romance thingie._"

Annalease blinked.

"Hold on a second," Annalease said before she fiddled with her iPhone for a bit. "Artemis! We need to go to the Shichibukai Bat Cave! Doflamingo is pretending to be Heathcliffe Sarutobi AGAIN!"

* * *

><p><strong>Wolfgang<strong>

"Katsuragi Trading Compound, this is Wolfgang," Wolfgang said.

"_Is your father at home right now?_"

"I have no clue where my dad went. Let me call him," Wolfgang said before he hung up and dialed Yohan's number. "Dad? Some people are looking for you again."

"_Again, son? Goddamnit._" (2)

* * *

><p><strong>Citron<strong>

"Hello?" Citron asked.

"_Does your baby drink formula or breast -_"

Citron then hung up.

"Honey, who was that?!" Cable yelled from the other room.

"Wrong number!" Citron yelled back.

* * *

><p><strong>Kazuma<strong>

"Hello?" Kazuma asked.

"_Are you Kazuma Miyafuji?_"

Kazuma's eyes grew wide.

"Dracule Mihawk?! Is that really you?!" Kazuma cried.

"_This is Dracule Mihawk. Esquire Magazine has just ranked you at #100 on their list of '100 Manliest Pirates'_."

Kazuma gasped.

"I'm... Not manly?!" Kazuma cried.

"_Nope! You're a girly-boy! I know it for a fact, because you secretly listen to Justin Bieber._"

"What the fuck?! No! I hate Justin Bieber!" Kazuma cried.

"_Even your girlfriend knows._"

"For the last time, Yuki-Rin and I hate Justin Bieber!" Kazuma cried. "Anyway... Who's the Manliest Pirate?"

"_It was a tie between Miller Pratt -_"

"How the hell did that hipster lumberjack end up being manlier than me?!" Kazuma cried.

"- _And Roronoa Zoro._"

Kazuma grew silent.

"He wouldn't..." Kazuma said darkly. "I am going to kill Roronoa Zoro! There is no way he's a man like me!"

* * *

><p><strong>Yvonne<strong>

"Yvonne speaking," Yvonne said.

"_Peony, you da hottest fish in this place!_"

Yvonne sweatdropped.

"I'm Yvonne, not Peony," Yvonne said.

"_Is your bed made? Is your sweater on? Do you want to fuck? Like, you know I do._"

Yvonne hung up and then set her phone on fire.

"No, wait!" Yvonne cried. "Sawyer, get a bucket of water! I've made a huge mistake!"

* * *

><p><strong>Enlai<strong>

"Yes? If this is Shitty Katsuragi, hang up now," Enlai asked.

"_I wanna have your babies!_"

"That's not happening," Enlai said bluntly.

"_Please. I want babies._"

"Go adopt if you want babies," Enlai said before he hung up.

* * *

><p><strong>Sanji<strong>

"Hello?" Sanji asked.

"_What does the fox say?_"

"The fox says 'Google it'," Sanji answered before he hung up. Sanji's phone rang again. "What?!"

"_What's the meaning of Stonehenge?_"

"Google it," Sanji said before hanging up again. Then, his phone rang again. "What the hell do you want now?!"

"_Do you like the dubstep?_"

Sanji then threw his cell phone on the ground and stomped on it.

* * *

><p><strong>Edmund<strong>

"Don't answer that! A lot of people got prank-called tonight!" Amelia, Rhett, and Bridey yelled.

"Too late. I already answered," Edmund said to his siblings. "Hello?"

"_Would you four like to complete a survey. You will be entered in a drawing to win a $100 gift card to Target if you complete the survey._"

"We - I'm on speaker phone?! Oh, fuck me!" Edmund cried.

"_Here is your first question - What is it, Eren?!_"

Edmund grew silent.

"I don't know who you are, but I am going to find you," Edmund said darkly before he hung up.

* * *

><p>Back at the Bat Cave...<p>

"Dude, who should we call next?!" Crocodile slurred.

"We need to do that 'Is your fridge running? Then, you'd better go catch it' call," Doflamingo suggested.

"No. Just no," Moria said.

"There's the prank callers. Get them."

The Shichibukai turned back, and they saw every person that they prank called. Miller and Zoro were both tied to wooden poles that Kazuma was holding up.

"Is your fridge running?" Crocodile asked.

"Then, you'd better go catch it," Doflamingo said before he and Crocodile laughed like Bevis and Butthead.

* * *

><p><strong>(1)<strong> - Filipino for "Talk to me".

**(2) - **Yohan said this line, not anybody from the Shichibukai.

**Review if you want to see the Shichibukai make more prank calls!**


	107. The Low Budget Halloween Chapter

**Author's Note: **Okay, so I had several other ideas for this year's Halloween special in my head, but I got severe writers' block writing them out. Then, I wanted to do a Total Drama Island parody with the Libras as the contestants, but that failed as well. So... I threw this Halloween special together in one day. You're welcome. I know it's crappy. That's why it's the "Low-Budget Halloween chapter".

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

><p>It was Halloween, and our favorite hipsters were Trick or Treating. Yukari and Kazura were Bryce and Lisa from the "Put a Bird on It" sketch from Portlandia, Stella-Rondo was only wearing a sheet wrapped around her, Edmund was BBC Sherlock Holmes, Rhett was Peter from Chronicles of Narnia, Amelia was Madeline, Bridey was Epoinine from <em>Les Miserables<em>, Lien just wore a horse mask, Aurelia was Alice from Alice in Wonderland, Locke was a zombie apocalypse version of himself, Mason was Alex Turner from the band Arctic Monkeys, Miller was one of the lumberjacks from _Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, _Jin-Mao was Eren from Attack on Titan, Daiyu was Mikasa from Attack on Titan, and Nigel wore one of the band costumes from the Beatles' Yellow Submarine.

"Wow. This Halloween special is so low-budget, most of the Libras are gone," Edmund deduced, since he was BBC Sherlock.

"Except me," Lien said though his horse mask.

"You didn't even try, Lien. You just wore your street clothes and a horse mask," Mason said. Lien responded by kicking Mason in the crotch. "Hey! You are not supposed to kick Alex Turner in the crotch!"

"Julian Casablancas from The Strokes is better!" Lien yelled through his horse mask.

"No, Ezra Koenig from Vampire Weekend is better!" Edmund deduced.

"No, Dan Auerbach from The Black Keys is better!" Miller yelled.

"No, Nanna Bryndis from Of Monsters and Men is better!" Yukari yelled.

"No, Alex Trimble from Two Door Cinema Club is better!" Kazura yelled.

"No, Hatsune Miku is better!" Jin-Mao yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"Jin-Mao, you need to tone the fuck down. This isn't Marshmellow People," Edmund deduced.

* * *

><p>On the Coachella...<p>

"Trick or treat!"

Aleksandar - who was dressed as Alan from _The Hangover_ - answered the door to Yuki-Rin, Molly, Heathcliffe, Kazuma, Hana, Holden, Soren, Aki, Daisuke, Wolfgang, and Enlai. Yuki-Rin was Cecil from Welcome to Night Vale, Molly was Snufkin from the Moonims, Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren wore gothic, Victorian-Era wear, Kazuma was a samurai, Hana was Castiel from Supernatural, Aki was a Chinese maiden, Daisuke was Wheatley from Portal 2, Wolfgang was the Ninth Doctor, and Enlai was a Chinese emperor.

"All of you, get the fuck out of here," Aleksandar said.

"You can't deny me candy," Enlai said.

"Yeah, Alek. You can't deny the teenaged version of your father candy," Holden said. Aleksandar said nothing as he dumped the contents of the candy bucket into Soren's bag.

"Teru, take care of your husband and his friends and brothers!" Aleksandar yelled as he walked away. Teru - who was a vampire schoolgirl - approached the Capricorns.

"Trick or treat!" Teru said to Soren. The rest of the Capricorns walked away.

"So... Like my costume?" Soren asked.

"Of course! Best costume I've seen all night!" Teru said. Soren looked at Teru seductively.

"You should see it on the floor," Soren said seductively. A laugh track then played.

"Of course, I want to see it on the floor," Teru said in agreement. "On one condition - You see my vampire schoolgirl costume on the floor."

"Deal!" Soren said.

"Get a fucking room!" Aleksandar yelled.

* * *

><p>Back with the trick-or-treating Libras...<p>

"Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about your mom?" Kuma asked the Libras.

"Well, my mom is a nutcase," Kazura said.

"My mom is so shallow, man. She named me after a guy on a Chinese soap opera that she thought was hot," Lien said through his horse mask.

"My mom enjoys freaky, hot sex with my dad," Aurelia said.

"My mom enjoys reading about boys who enjoy freaky, hot sex with each other," Mason said.

"My mom bakes the best cookies ever," Edmund deduced.

"My mom sold me to another family so I can marry their daughter and make both of our families get richer," Jin-Mao explained.

"Nobody talks about my mama," Miller said.

"Nobody talks about my mum," Nigel said.

"Nobody talks about my mom either, but she's supposedly dead," Stella-Rondo said.

"My mom's actually dead," Daiyu said.

"Nobody cares about your mom," Kuma said. The Libras sweatdropped.

"We'll be on our way..." Kazura said before the Libras walked away.

* * *

><p>Back on the Coachella, Soren and Teru were doing stuff. Loud stuff.<p>

"What's that noise?" Fernando, who was a chef, asked Aleksandar. Aleksandar looked up.

"You will understand when you get married," Aleksandar said darkly. Fernando said nothing as he left the Coachella.

* * *

><p>Back with the rest of the Libras...<p>

"Happy Halloween, kids!" Kartik, who was dressed as a newsboy, shouted. Edmund forced a smile.

"Good evening, father," Edmund greeted.

"I don't mean to be rude, but may we please have our candy? We really don't want to hang around the Hyperion," Kazura requested. Kartik got out some candy bars.

"Of course, since you want lots of candy tonight," Kartik said as he dropped candy bars into everyone's sacks. "Since I'm in a really good mood, you're all getting expensive, king-sized candy bars."

"Thank you, father. For a Capricorn, you aren't that bad," Edmund deduced before the Libras left. A dope zebra then walked up to Kartik.

"Trick or treat!" The dope zebra yelled before it danced around. Kartik sweatdropped.

"Who are you?" Kartik asked the dope zebra.

"What the feck, man?!"

The dope zebra split into two, revealing Terrance and Llewellyn. Llewellyn was also dressed as Paddington Bear.

"Costume-ception? Again?" Kartik asked as he dropped boxes of raisins into Terrance and Llewellyn's buckets.

"How come the last group got expensive chocolate?!" Terrance asked.

"That was my son from the future. I don't know who you are," Kartik explained.

"Those were the Libras, right?" Llewellyn asked. Kartik nodded. "Oh. I see how this is."

Without another word, Terrance and Llewellyn walked away. Kartik sighed.

"Matsu, we're out of raisins!" Kartik yelled into the Hyperion.

"Give everyone the little shampoos and conditioners Daisuke always steals from hotels!" Matsu yelled back.

* * *

><p>At the Revolutionaries' headquarters...<p>

"I like your costumes," Kintaro commented to Nami and Vivi, who were a bank teller and a gypsy, respectively.

"Thank you," Nami said as she grabbed some lollipops from Dragon.

"Anytime. Because sexy costumes are the best costumes," Kintaro said. Vivi kicked Kintaro in the crotch.

"You pervert!" Vivi yelled before she walked away. Nami said nothing as she followed Vivi. Dragon dragged Kintaro inside and pushed Ludovic outside.

"You - Go to your room," Dragon said to Kintaro before he turned to Ludovic. "You - Pass out candy until we run out or the Marines bust us for Revolutionary activities."

* * *

><p>Back with the trick-or-treating Libras...<p>

"Who the fuck gave me a DVD copy of _The Notebook _instead of candy?!" Mason cried.

"God, I hate _The Notebook_," Edmund deduced.

"I think Peony and Leo gave that to us. They're dressed as the couple from the movie," Yukari said. Mason took a deep breath.

"Peony, Leo, the both of you have made a huge mistake!" Mason yelled before he threw the DVD at Crocodile.

"Ow! My sanity!" Crocodile yelled. The Libras just ran off.

"Where are we going next?!" Nigel asked.

"Defintely NOT the Dolomite!" Edmund deduced.

"Or the Hyperion for very obvious reasons," Kazura added.

"Unless we put a bird on it," Yukari said.

"No. Just no," Rhett said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, a certain Foley Maeve was watching it all.<p>

"**Fact: The police were called ninety-two times during the filming of the movie _Borat_,**" Cube said.

"Excellent..." Maeve commented as a familiar face boarded the ship. "Hello, Gareth. Nice costume."

Gareth stepped out of the shadows, revealing that he was cosplaying Professor Oak.

"I got lazy. I didn't feel like being the Draco Malfoy to Lana's Luna Lovegood," Gareth said. Maeve stepped out of the shadows, revealing that she was dressed as Aki.

"I feel so out-of character! I hate cosplaying Aki! Next year, we're cosplaying Yukari and Kazura!" Maeve yelled.

"No. Just no," Gareth said. "Anyway, are you ready to sneak Marlene out of the hospital against my own will?"

"Yeah!" Maeve said. "Who knew that a Breadfish costume could be so dangerous?"

The rest of the Straw Hats then walked out onto the deck. Luffy was cosplaying as male!Yuki-Rin, Zoro was cosplaying as Kazuma, Nami was still in her bank teller costume, Usopp was cosplaying as Ajax, Sanji was cosplaying as male!Greta, Chopper was cosplaying as Ageha, Robin was cosplaying as Karin, Franky was cosplaying as Thierry, Brook was cosplaying as Alto, Aoi was cosplaying as Molly, Jodie was cosplaying as Peony, Bullet was cosplaying as Beau, and Leon was cosplaying as Yohan.

"God, Maeve, our costumes suck this year," Jodie commented.

"I know. Who was on drugs when they suggested that we cosplay as Aki and Peony?" Maeve asked.

"It was my idea! I planted it into your heads like in _Inception_!"

Ajax then flew off with Usopp.

* * *

><p>It was the next morning, and Aldwin awoke in his bed.<p>

"Never again. I am never getting chocolate wasted with Maeve on Halloween ever again," Aldwin said to himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more chapters before we go on hiatus in a month!<strong>


	108. I'm Going to Disneyland!

**Author's Note: **Technically, this is a Yukijima chapter. But, at the same time, it's not. Why?

Because we're going to Disneyland! Yukijima Disneyland!

**Disclaimer: I only own the Libra Pirates. And some other pirate crews, but they aren't as important in this chapter.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day on the Coachella as the Libras ate breakfast.<p>

"So... I've got some bad news," Teru said. "Our Log Pose is pointing to Yukijima."

All of the Libras screamed.

"Turn this boat around! Turn this boat around! TURN THIS FUCKING BOAT AROUND BEFORE I HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!" Kazura yelled before he began to hyperventilate into a paper bag. To calm everyone down, Edmund then began to perform the Vampire Weekend song _Mansard Roof _in semaphore.

"QUIET!" Teru shouted. Everyone grew silent, and Edmund stopped doing his semaphore performance.

"Turn this boat around," All of the Libras said darkly.

"But, there is good news," Teru said. "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

The Libras sweatdropped.

"Wait - That's not right," Teru said. "The actual good news is... We're going to Disneyland!"

The Libras cheered.

"Fuck yeah! We're going to Disneyland!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"Disney will never be too mainstream!" Edmund yelled. "I don't care that it's near Yukijima! We're going to Disneyland!"

Kazura then opened a window.

"Suck it, Capricorns! We're going to Disneyland, and you aren't!" Kazura yelled out the window.

* * *

><p>About an hour later, the Libras arrived at Yukijima DisneylandDisney's Yukijima Adventure.

"Swiggity swaland, we're at Disneyland!" Edmund shouted as he took selfies in front of the Main Street train station.

"Okay, are we going to split off into groups, or -" Teru asked before she was cut off.

"I pick Yukari!" Edmund and Kazura both said.

"Saying the name of your Disneyland Buddy System Buddy out loud is a security risk. We're all going in together now, because Kazura and Edmund just caused a security risk," Teru explained. The Libras sweatdropped as they made their way through the front gate.

"Disneyland!" The Libras shouted before all them calmed down and pulled out their iPhones. Then, they all took a picture of Main Street.

"This is probably our most hipster moment together," Edmund commented.

"More will come, Edmund. More will come..." Kazura said to himself.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras were on It's a Small World.<p>

"_Crawling back to you! Ever thought of calling when you've had a few 'cause I always do?! Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new, now I've thought it through! Crawling back to you!_" The Libras sang very loudly over the _It's a Small World _song. Then, the ride and the music stopped. The Libras used this to get their iPhones out and blog about their Disneyland trip on Tumblr or post pictures to Instagram.

"_Attention, all riders of It's a Small World. We will escort everyone off of the ride, because a bunch of hipsters think this ride is 'too mainstream'. Also, they can't sing. And, you're not allowed to use your phones on rides._"

The people in the other boats looked to the Libras.

"Thank you, Mihawk!" Kazura yelled to the person who made the announcement.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras were in line for Splash Mountain.<p>

"So, how are we going to seat everyone?" Yukari asked.

"Seat everyone? Yukari, we're riding Splash Mountain, not planning a wedding," Mason asked. Doflamingo then magically appeared. He was dressed as Tinkerbell.

"Hi, we're Vampire Weekend. Welcome to Daytrotter," Doflamingo said. "_And now I'll never smoke weed again!_"

The Libras sweatdropped as Doflamingo disappeared in a cloud of fairy dust.

"I call boat with Miller and Kazura," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras, all soaking wet, were comparing their Splash Mountain picturesuploading their Splash Mountain pictures to Instagram and Tumblr.

"How do we get soaking wet, but not our iPhones?" Edmund asked everyone.

"Magic," Mason said as he removed his iPhone from a plastic bag.

"Magic is fake as shi -" Aleksandar said before Mason cut him off.

"We are in Disneyland right now. Shut the hell up," Mason said.

"Ponchos! Buy your ponchos for the wet rides and so you can die looking like you're in a Peruvian folk band!"

The Libras turned back, and they saw Monet selling ponchos.

"You had us at 'Peruvian folk band'," Mason said.

"Thank you. That will be thirty dollars," Monet said.

"Thirty dollars?! I am not paying thirty dollars for a bloody poncho!" Nigel yelled. "I can buy one at the obscure thrift shop that's nearby for thirty CENTS!"

"And it's probably covered in some liquid you don't want to know about," Monet retorted. Nigel grew silent.

"It was nice doing business with you, lady," Mason said before the Libras walked off.

"I can mark the price down to twenty-five dollars!" Monet yelled to the hipsters.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras were at Akainu's churro stand.<p>

"One churro, please," Mason said to Akainu.

"That'll be fourteen dollars," Akainu told Mason, who began to cry.

"Why, God?! Why?!" Mason sobbed. Miller said nothing as he dragged Mason away.

"We packed our own churros. We won't be needing your services," Miller explained.

"You're not supposed to bring outside food into the park unless you're a catering crew for some event," Akainu said to Miller.

"We just did. Deal with it," Miller said before he and Mason walked away. Akainu crossed his arms.

"I'm not a Krusty Krab," Akainu muttered to himself.

"Akainu, that's the name of a restaurant," Aokiji said from his hot dog stand.

* * *

><p>Speaking of restaurants, the Libras were looking for a place to have lunch.<p>

"Why the hell is every restaurant owned by McDonalds?!" Edmund cried, gesturing to all of the restaurants that said "sponsored by McDonald's" on their signs.

"Well, it IS Disneyland, so McDonald's owns every place to eat," Rhett explained.

"Except - apparently - the two ice cream shops on Main Street, which are owned by Starbucks, Apple, Urban Outfitters, and the record label Vampire Weekend is signed on to," Yukari explained. The Libras grew silent.

"At least they know what's up," Aurelia said.

"How do we get to sponsor an ice cream shop?!" Edmund asked.

"You're not the C.E.O. of Starbucks, Apple, Urban Outfitters, or the record label Vampire Weekend is signed to," Rhett explained.

"Shut up, Rhett. Every boy like me dreams of owning an ice cream stand," Edmund said to his younger brother.

"You never dreamt of being the owner of an ice cream store. You dreamt of being an architect like in that one Decemberists song," Rhett exlplained.

"Well, that was before I started listenting to The Decemberists," Edmund argued.

"We could eat here," Kazura said, pointing to a restaurant that said "sponsored by Umami Burger". "It's sponsored by Umami, not McDonald's."

Edmund grabbed Kazura's hands.

"Thank you, best friend!" Edmund yelled.

"I thought I was your best friend," Miller said. Edmund said nothing as he dragged the rest of the Libras into the restaurant.

"Welcome to WcDonald's. Can I take your order?" Crocodile, who was in a stolen McDonald's uniform, asked the Libras. Edmund said nothing as he escorted the Libras out of WcDonald's.

"What was so bad about that place?" Kazura asked.

"It's the anime version of McDonald's," Jin-Mao answered. "I've seen too many animes to know where this is going."

"Plus, the W in 'WcDonald's' is just the letter M upside-down," Edmund added.

* * *

><p>After lunch, the Libras were on Pirates of the Carribbean. They were at the part where the woman was chasing the pirate with a rolling pin, when the boat stopped.<p>

"_Attention, all passengers. You may be wondering 'why did the ride stop?' That's because passengers need to get on and off the boats. Yes, I know it's stupid to stop the ride for that reason. Have a nice day._"

The Libras then pulled out their iPhones so they could Tumblr/Instagram about more of their day.

"_OMG! Will you hipsters just STOP using your iPhones when the ride stops?!_"

"How else are we going to pass the time until the ride moves again?!" Edmund yelled.

"Yeah, I've been on this ride before, and when they stop to unload and load passengers, the wait time takes upwards of THIRTY minutes!" Stella-Rondo yelled. Mihawk grew silent.

"_Okay, you win. The ride will now resume operations_."

The ride began moving again.

"Oh, my God! We're moving!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

* * *

><p>After riding Pirates of the Caribbean, the Libras decided to take pictures with various Disney characters.<p>

"Mickey!" Jin-Mao yelled as he glomped Nezumi, who was in a skimpy Mickey Mouse costume.

"This is bullshit!" Nezumi yelled as he pushed Jin-Mao off of him. "Just because my name means 'rat' in Japanese STILL does not mean the Authoress has a right to dress me in skimpy rat and/or mouse costumes! One of these days, I am going to leave the One Piece world so I can appear in the Authoress' bedroom one day and give her the social justice speech of her life! Forget what she read in Homestuck with Kankri Vantas - I AM the Kankri Vantas of the One Piece world!"

The Libras sweatdropped.

"I think you're going to be fired for that tirade, just saying," Kazura said before the Libras calmly walked away.

* * *

><p>A few hours of riding the rides later, it was time for the parade.<p>

"Who actually watches these?" Aleksandar asked his fellow hipsters.

"I'm not," Edmund said, not looking up from his iPhone. "I'm on Instagram uploading my pictures of Princess Tiana."

"I'm on Tumblr/Instagram," The rest of the Libras said. The Libras grew silent.

"Let's go. Nobody watches this anyway," Edmund said, leading the Libras away from the parade and into a gift shop.

"Welcome to Disneyland Gift Shop #522! Of course, every price is gouged!" Arlong, who was in an Ariel costume, yelled as the Libras entered the store.

"How much is this lollipop?" Jin-Mao asked, holding up a large, colorful lollipop.

"Ten bucks," Arlong answered. Jin-Mao silently put the lollipop down.

"A store for a hipster, indie band I like has better prices than this," Kazura commented as he looked at a Mickey Mouse wizaed hat that was $40.

"Which band?" Arlong asked.

"You wouldn't know. It's an obscure band you don't know about," Kazura answered.

"Kids today and their hipster crap..." Arlong muttered to himself.

* * *

><p>At the end of the day, the Libras, with souvineers in tour, left Disneyland after a very fun day.<p>

"I wanna go back tomorrow! For being in Yukijima, Disneyland is so much fun!" Jin-Mao said.

"Hipsters! Thank God, I found you!"

Maeve ran up to the Libras.

"Hello, Maeve. Is there anything wrong?" Yukari asked.

"Of course, there's something wrong! Luffy got into the wrong 'be the first to eat this huge steak' contest, and he pissed off some people. Now, the Straw Hats are in grave danger, A.A.A. and Hancock are trying to take over Yukijima, Aldwin is gone, and all I have on my side are the Capricorns, who are - of course - in formal wear and being threatened by Hancock!" Maeve explained. "Get your weapons and meet me at the Yukijima Marriott in an hour! Time is of the essence!"

Without another word, Maeve ran off. The Libras grew silent.

"We haven't checked out Disney's Yukijima Adventure," Edmund pointed out.

"I'll go book a hotel. We'll spend tomorrow at Disney's Yukijima Adventure and Knott's Berry Farm of Yukijima," Miller said. "And, later this week, who wants to go to Universal Studios Yukijima and Six Flags Yukijima?"

"Aye," All of the Libras said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>There are two more chapters left of this fic before it goes on its holiday hiatus. One of them is the Thanksgiving chapter, and the other is another, special chapter. I'm not saying anything about the not-Thanksgiving chapter, other than it will be posted on November 23rd, which is a week from Saturday. If you know what's going on on the 23rd, then you'll probably have an idea of what the chapter is going to be about.

**Review if you want an ACTUAL Yukijima chapter for 'The DysFUNctional Christmas'!**


	109. Doctor Who?

**Author's Note: **Happy Day of the Doctor, everyone! In honor of the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who, we have a very special guest for this chapter. Please, give it up for...

The Eleventh Doctor! My favorite incarnation of the Doctor!

**The Doctor: "Thank you, thank you. One Piece is the property of Eichiiro Oda, Doctor Who is the property of the BBC, and Maeve, Aldwin, and Basil are owned by luffykotheeeve. Now, let's begin the chapter. Geronimo!"**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day on the Thousand Sunny as Zoro slept.<p>

"Zoro! Why are there cucumbers in my medical drawer?!"

Chopper then entered the room. Zoro then woke up.

"Goddamnit, Rose! You're supposed to be lesbian for Kanaya!" Zoro yelled before he noticed Chopper. Zoro and Chopper grew silent. "I swear, Maeve did it. She always does it."

Maeve entered the room.

"There are cucumbers in Chopper's medical drawer?" Maeve asked before she left the room. Chopper and Zoro sweatdropped.

"I have no clue why she's on our crew," Zoro observed. Then, something that sounded like "Vworp vworp vworp" went off. "Oh, crap! I left the stove on!"

The TARDIS then materialized in the room. Zoro and Chopper screamed.

"It's a ghost! Kill it with fire!" Zoro and Chopper yelled. Right as the Eleventh Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS, Zoro threw water onto the Doctor.

"I come straight from the filming of _Bridge on the River Kwai _in the 1950's and I'm greeted with this?! Fantastic!" The Doctor yelled. Zoro lowered the bucket he was holding.

"That's porn! Illegal, Chantelle!" The Homestuck Fandom shouted.

"Wait… Who are you?" Zoro asked.

"Hello. I'm the Doctor," The Doctor said.

"Doctor who?" Chopper asked. A laugh track played.

"Well," The Doctor said in the voice of Tenth. "My real name is –"

A bunch of sirens went off outside.

"You'll never take me alive, Akainu!" Ace yelled from outside.

"Give me back my Paddington Bear stickers, and I'll only give you a ticket!" Akainu yelled from outside.

"…But, everyone calls me 'The Doctor'," The Doctor said.

"So, what are you doing here?" Zoro asked.

"Amy and Rory are on holiday in the Netherlands, so I decided to go on my own holiday," The Doctor explained. "Would you two – Roronoa Zoro and Tony Tony Chopper – like to become my Companions for the day?" (1)

"Why not? We – How do you know our names?" Zoro asked.

"Wibbley-Wobbley, Timey-Wimey stuff," The Doctor said with a shrug. "Now, we've got all of time and space to see. Where do you want to go? Los Angeles in the 1930's at the height of the Golden Age of Hollywood? Cardiff to visit Captain Jack Harkness? Shanghai, 1933, so we can meet a Dragon Lady?"

"I want to go to the store. Dartbrow Brow demanded that I pick up the milk, bread, and eggs," Zoro answered. Maeve poked her head back into the room.

"**Fact: Doctor Who was never really 'cancelled' after Sylvester McCoy's run. It was just on a hiatus,**" Cube said.

"Holy [Arctic Monkeys in concert]! The Doctor exists! I have to tell Aldwin and Basil!" Maeve yelled before she ran away. Zoro and Chopper sweatdropped.

"Ignore her, she's crazy," Zoro said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Zoro, Chopper, and the Doctor arrived at Target.<p>

"Oi, Chopper, where did the Doctor go?" Zoro asked. Chopper just shrugged. "Clearly, he's nine years old."

The Doctor then ran past, riding/pushing somebody's shopping cart.

"Shopping cart races are cool!" The Doctor yelled as he ran past. Miller approached Zoro and Chopper five seconds later.

"Have you seen a man with a bow tie? He stole my shopping cart," Miller asked. Chopper and Zoro pointed in the direction the Doctor went with Miller's shopping cart. "Thank you."

Zoro turned to Chopper.

"We need to put this guy on a leash," Zoro said to Chopper.

"You said that that one time Ageha gave those heartworm pills to Ajax and he ended up as a kaiju," Chopper said.

"Ah, yes, Shitty Cook and Usopp almost got eaten by a giant pigeon, the Sarutobis were in robot-controlling jumpsuits, and I made five hundred dollars that night by gambling. That was my finest hour," Zoro said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Zoro, Chopper, and the Doctor were dropping off the groceries at the Sunny.<p>

"Now where are we going to go?! All of time and space await!" The Doctor asked.

"We need to pick up the dry cleaning, mail some Thanksgiving food, and do some random shit at the mall," Zoro explained.

"Oh, goody! Malls are fun. I like malls," The Doctor said. In the other room…

"**Fact: David Tennant married Georgia Moffet, the daughter of Fifth Doctor Peter Davidson, who was David Tennant's favorite Doctor and inspired David Tennant to audition for Doctor Who,**" Cube said.

"See, guys, the Doctor is real. He's helping Zoro and Chopper do errands," Maeve whispered to her personalities.

"Does this mean Castiel is real?" Jodie asked.

"Google it," Aoi answered as Maeve pulled out her iPhone.

"Aldwin, you're needed for a crazy scheme. Just come to the Sunny and all will be explained later. Bye," Maeve said before she dialed another number. "Basil, you're needed for a crazy scheme. Yes, panties are involved. Just come to the Sunny and all will be explained."

Maeve hung up.

"So, who wants to go to a party tonight?" Maeve asked Aoi, Jodie, Bullet, Cube, and Leon.

* * *

><p>That night, Yuki-Rin, Hana, Wolfgang, Kartik, Matsu, Molly and her parents, Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey, Jin-Mao, Daiyu, Nigel, Kipton, Beal, Llewellyn, Yohan, Percy, Greta, Meggie, Siobhan, Dane, Hugh, Patrick, Alistair, Citron, Cable, Keating, Malachy, all of the Scorpios, Yvonne, Sawyer, Lucky Roux, Ben Beckmann, Buggy, Mr. 3, Conis, Bellamy, Rayleigh, Hililuk, Dr. Hogback, Kohza, Monet, X. Drake, Shirahoshi, Fukaboshi, Rebecca, Usopp, Brook, Yasopp, Enoch, Coby, Helmeppo, Dellinger, Sabo, Iceburg, Foxy, and Porsche were gathered on somebody's pirate ship, having a 50th AnniversaryDay of the Doctor party for Doctor Who. All of them were dressed as their favorite Doctors, companions, monsters, or, in the case of Keating and Malachy, their favorite incarnation of the Master.

"_DOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEYYYYOOOOOOOO_!" The crowd of Whovians (and closet Whovians) sang along to the Doctor Who theme song.

"Finally! I've been waiting for this day for fifty years!" Rayleigh yelled.

"The wait for the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who was TOO DAMN LONG!" Dr. Hogback said in the voice of the "The Rent is too Damn High" guy. Then, the episode of Doctor Who paused.

"What the hell?! I paid five bucks to party on some dude's ship for this!" Keating yelled.

"I paid ten bucks," Nigel pointed out.

"Hello, Whovians."

Maeve, Aldwin, and Basil walked up to the audience.

"Maeve, what the [tater tot llama] are you doing?!" Yuki-Rin yelled.

"I've got something to make this Day of the Doctor better," Maeve said. "We brought the Doctor!"

The crowd of Whovians grew silent.

"Which Doctor?" The crowd of Whovians asked.

"Uhh… The one with the floppy hair? I don't know! I don't watch Doctor Who!" Aldwin cried.

"Which Doctor?" The crowd of Whovians repeated.

"THE Doctor!" Basil yelled.

"Doctor Who?!" The crowd of Whovians asked. A rimshot went off as the TARDIS materialized.

"There he is! There's the Doctor!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"Which Doctor?!" All of the Whovians but Jin-Mao yelled.

"Is this 'Who's on First?' or some shit?!" Bullet asked. Everyone grew silent as Maeve approached the TARDIS and knocked on the door.

"**Fact: Second Doctor Patrick Troughton wanted to make a cameo as a villain during one of Colin Baker's episodes of Doctor Who**," Cube said.

"Mr. Doctor, are you in there? Lots of people want to meet you," Maeve asked. Zoro and Chopper then stepped out of the TARDIS, wearing clothing from the Seventies, fake afros, and porn mustaches.

"That's not the Doctor! That's Zoro and Chopper with porn mustaches and Seventies clothing!" Edmund yelled.

"You don't know if the Doctor Regenerated or not!" Hana yelled.

"Shut up, Capricorn Peasant!" Edmund yelled back.

"All of time and space, and the Doctor had to take us to a disco in the 1970's. Brilliant. Fantastic. Allons-y. Bow ties are cool," Zoro muttered before he and Chopper walked away. The TARDIS then disappeared, and everyone sweatdropped.

"We'll be on our way…" Aldwin said to the Whovians before he dragged Basil and Maeve off. The Whovians grew silent, then cheered.

"Awesome! The Doctor exists!" Yuki-Rin yelled.

"We have to find the TARDIS!" Buggy yelled.

"After _The Day of the Doctor _is over," Hana said, un-pausing the 50th Anniversary episode of Doctor Who.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>You can tell I'm still not over Amy and Rory's deaths.

**Anyway, the next chapter of the fic will be the last one before this fic goes on hiatus so I can update** **The DysFUNctional Christmas. Review if you want to see some Christmas crack come Thanksgiving weekend.**


	110. A Very Merry Sarutobi Thanksgiving

**Author's Note: **In recent years, everything relating to the Thanksgiving weekend has begun earlier than it once did - Leaving a day earlier for grandma's house, eating Thanksgiving dinner early, and, most importantly, Black Friday shopping has begun earlier. The makers of **The DysFUNctional Pirates **are aware of this, thank you very much. Which is why we've decided to publish the Thanksgiving chapter two days early, so you have enough time this weekend to do all the things that are now starting earlier and earlier.

Also, this is the last chapter of **The DysFUNctional Pirates **for the year. After this chapter, we will begin our holiday updates for **The DysFUNctional Christmas**, the Christmas spin-off to this fic. All I can say is that it's been an exciting year for the fic, and 2014 is going to have even more dysfunction for our favorite pirates.

So, let's begin the Thanksgiving celebrations early.

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

><p>It was Thanksgiving Day at one of the Sarutobi mansions, as Pearl and Lien watched the parade.<p>

"So... Who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner?" Pearl asked.

"You, me, mom, dad, Uncle Holden, Aunt Hana, Aleksandar, Mason, Uncle Soren, Aunt Teru, Locke, Aurelia, Grandpa Linton, Grandma Catherine, Great-Grandma Isabella, Great-Grandpa Linton, Uncle Leo, Aunt Alabama, Aunt Peony, Sukie, Aunt Aria, Uncle Jett, Meggie, Thorn, Dane, Hugh, Alistair, and Patrick," Lien said.

"Remind me why we have a huge family again," Pearl said.

"Uhh... Because we have lots of money and attractive males?" Lien asked as their parents, Heathcliffe and Aki, entered.

"Are you two ready for the family?" Heathcliffe asked.

"Hell to the yeah!" Lien said, pumping his fist into the air. "Oh, wait, grandpa and grandma are coming. Never mind."

"Pearl, please change into the dress I laid out onto your bed," Aki requested.

"What do you have against ugly, hipster sweaters with shorts, boots, tights, and scarves?!" Pearl snapped.

"It's not fashionable to dress like those hipsters you hang out with," Aki said.

"We're here! Pearl, Lien, we brought kombucha tea!"

Aleksandar, Mason, Hana, and Holden entered the mansion, carrying food and drinks.

"Thank God! Kombucha!" Lien yelled.

"Lien, don't drink the kombucha tea. People said it was dangerous," Aki said.

"You just looked that up on Wikipedia," Aleksandar said under his breath as the rest of the Sarutobi family but Locke and Isabella entered the mansion.

"Welcome, everybody," Aki greeted the Sarutobis.

"Mom, dad, go to Hell," Heathcliffe greeted his parents. "Holden, Soren, it's always a pleasure to see you two."

"Locke's going to be late. He's picking up some more guests," Aurelia explained.

"Great. Mom's Botox party buddies," Heathcliffe commented.

"Anyway, Pearl, Lien, take your cousins outside before your grandparents make your father cry," Aki said. Pearl, Lien, Aurelia, Aleksandar, and Mason said nothing as they went upstairs and into Lien's room.

"This dinner already sucks. Somebody tell me why Thorn and Peony were invited," Mason said.

"It's a long story," Pearl, Lien, Aurelia, and Aleksandar said in unison.

"Lesson learned – Don't have sex. You'll get pregnant and die," Mason said.

* * *

><p>An hour later, the Sarutobis were sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner.<p>

"I get to carve the turkey because I'm the hottest guy in the room," Heathcliffe said.

"We're still waiting on peoples!" Mrs. Sarutobi slurred. At that moment, Isabella entered the room, carrying coffee from Starbucks.

"Isabella! You're fifteen minutes late and you're carrying Starbucks! I am disappointed in you!" Saint Sarutobi I yelled. Isabella shrugged and took a selfie of herself.

"Whatever. This party is so ratchet, anyway," Isabella said dryly.

"You're a ghost. How are you holding that iPhone and that coffee cup?" Mason asked.

"Because I can!" Isabella yelled before she floated to her seat. The Sarutobis sweatdropped.

"Did we miss anything?"

Locke entered the room, with Miller, the Abingdons, and Stella-Rondo following him.

"Oh, look, my son finally shows up. And with his wannabe-hipster pack," Soren commented. Locke gave him a dirty look.

"Say that again. I dare you," Locke said darkly before he and his friends took their seats next to Mason. With a shrug, Heathcliffe began to carve the turkey.

"Miller Pratt is unworthy of the thug life. The thug life did not choose Miller Pratt, the thug life chose me," Saint Sarutobi II said. Miller looked up.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?" Miller asked.

"He's from Canada, honey! He apologized for no reason!" Mrs. Sarutobi shouted/slurred to her husband as she pointed to Miller.

"Locke, why the fuck did you bring your weirdo hipster, friends?" Heathcliffe asked Locke bluntly.

"The Authoress makes no mention of Miller's family – aside from Annalease, his cousin – OR Stella-Rondo's family. Before you ask, I have no clue what Annalease Pratt is doing for Thanksgiving," Locke explained.

"And the Abingdons?" Holden asked.

"Out Uncle Enoch is in town for Thanksgiving. Mom made us go eat Thanksgiving dinner somewhere else, unless we wanted to fight Uncle Enoch and his quote-unquote 'army of bears'," Rhett explained.

"Locke, go tell your friends to sit at the kids' table. They aren't even Sarutobis, so why are they even here?" Heathcliffe requested as everyone began to serve themselves. Edmund stood up.

"Are you kidding me?! I'm eighteen, I should not be sitting at the kids' table!" Edmund cried.

"Too bad. I'm hotter than you, so you have to listen to me," Heathcliffe said. Edmund said nothing as he got up and walked over to the kids' table. His siblings, Miller, and Stella-Rondo followed suit, sitting down on the chairs they were clearly too big for.

"I am so done with this dinner," Edmund muttered.

"Let's convince Locke to take us Black Friday shopping at the mall," Stella-Rondo whispered.

"After we eat," Rhett added.

"Of course," Stella-Rondo said.

"Well, do we at least get some of Mason's kombucha tea?" Edmund asked.

"No. They only gave us milk, soda, and water in a plastic tea set," Rhett explained, gesturing to the plastic tea set on their table. Edmund picked up a cup filled with milk and stuck his pinkie out.

"To our lost dignity and the irony of drinking out of a tea set for kids!" Edmund said as everyone at the kids' table toasted. A few feet away…

"So… Anybody thankful for stuff?" Saint Sarutobi II asked.

"I'm thankful for Alex Turner from Arctic Monkeys. That man is my spirit animal," Mason said.

"I'm thankful for Starbucks, selfies, and Snap Chat," Isabella said. "Oh, and my new boyfriend."

"What's up, peasants?"

Law entered the room.

"Hi, Law," Every hipster in the room said.

"Young man, what are you doing here?" Mrs. Sarutobi asked Law, who was quite offended by the question.

"What do you mean I can't go to some dude's house for Thanksgiving! This does not support some hipster movement I am a part of!" Law yelled.

"You aren't even related to us," Aki pointed out.

"Isabella-ya invited me. If we get married tonight, then I'm technically a member of the Sarutobi family," Law argued.

"All of the churches are closed right now! Everyone's eating dinner with their families!" Aki yelled.

"I brought an ordained minister with me. He can vouch for all of us," Law said before snapping his fingers. Kuma then entered the room. The Sarutobis' jaws dropped.

"We're in the middle of dinner right now. Your 'wedding' can wait," Aria pointed out.

"I have to go to the harem of Linus Forsythe in twenty minutes. Your 'happy family gathering' can wait," Kuma argued. Pearl, Lien, Aleksandar, Mason, Aurelia, Locke, the Abingdons, Stella-Rondo, and Miller went "Ooh".

"Burned…" Mason commented.

"How are you going to do the do if she's a ghost and you probably don't have sex because it's 'too mainstream' for you?!" Mrs. Sarutobi slurred.

"Isabella-ya and I will adopt kids. By 'adopt kids', I mean 'steal all of the Tenryuubito slaves Saint Sarutobi I-ya has'. I don't care if they are forever branded as slaves, I will love my kids with all of my heart," Law explained.

"That was strangely touching," Bridey commented.

"And fate-tempting, since Saint Sarutobi I could kill Law or do bad things to him for saying that," Stella-Rondo added.

"Law is a Supernova. He's got this," Edmund pointed out. Kuma cleared his throat and opened his Bible up.

"We've made a huge mistake," Leo whispered to Peony.

"We should've skipped Thanksgiving and spent it together," Peony whispered back.

"Cyrus top cat of Persia sayz Ceiling Cat doen gotted meh awl kingdoems of urth; and him wantz me make him a house at Jerusalem, srsly, in Judah. Oh, Hai? Who iz of LOLcats? Ceiling Cat bez wif him, go gets him up tu Judah an maeks a houz for teh Ceiling Cat of Israel, (him iz Ceiling Cat,) which is in Jerusalem. And whos stayz where him goed, let tems gives him silber, bling, an cheezburgers, besides teh other stuff gives tu teh Ceiling Cat house dat iz in Jerusalem," Kuma read from his LOLCat Bible. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Uhh… Yes?" Law answered. Kuma shrugged.

"Your marriage is official. I have to go now. Expect a bill from me on Monday," Kuma said before he left the mansion. The room grew silent.

"So… I think somebody should do a speech for the couple," Mason said. Edmund stood up and cleared his throat.

"_You torched a Saab like a pile of leaves. I'd gone to find some better wheels. Four, five meters running 'round the bend when the government agents surround you again. If Diane Young won't change your mind, baby, baby, baby, right on time_," Edmund sang. Everyone grew silent.

"Those are the lyrics to the Vampire Weekend song _Diane Young_," Locke pointed out.

"When I get married, you'd better sing _Diane Young _as your speech," Edmund said to Locke. Everyone grew silent as they continued to eat.

"I wish Yukari and Kazura were here," Stella-Rondo commented.

"Stella-Rondo, it is not my fault that Kazuma forced them to stay home because they were having Thanksgiving dinner with Mikuri and Sayuki," Edmund answered.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the Miyafuji household, Yuki-Rin, Kazuma, Yukari, Kazura, Mikuri, and Sayuki were having Thanksgiving dinner. All was silent.<p>

"So… Why don't we get to see Setsuko and Sessue?" Kazura asked Mikuri and Sayuki.

"We don't talk about Setsuko and Sessue. I shipped their asses off to relatives a long time ago," Mikuri said darkly. At the same time, thousands of miles away, Setsuko, Sessue, Kinemon, Momonosuke, Dellinger, and Monet were having Thanksgiving dinner.

"So… Why don't we get to see Yukari and Kazura?" Sessue asked Dellinger and Monet.

"We don't talk about Yukari and Kazura. They've turned hipster," Kinemon answered.

* * *

><p>Back at the Sarutobi mansion, things went to Hell in a handbasket. Basically, some back-talk happened.<p>

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again – How did you have kids when your girlfriend doesn't want to lose her virginity?!" Saint Sarutobi II drunkenly shouted to his youngest son. Heathcliffe facepalmed.

"Do you want to go down this road, dad?! Because I will!" Heathcliffe yelled. A few feet away, Soren and Teru were making out, taking off each other's clothes in the process.

"We've made a huge mistake!" Leo yelled as he shoved Soren and Teru into the kitchen. "Peony, we're leaving!"

Peony and Leo then left. Everyone grew silent.

"Yo. Is this the Sarutobi Thanksgiving dinner?"

A fourteen-year old version of Aurelia with hipster glasses entered the room.

"Marble, what are you doing here?" Alabama cried. "Aren't you supposed to be with your nameless, faceless father who took the Sarutobi name?"

"He's in jail again and the bail bonds offices are closed for the holiday," Marble said with a shrug.

"He's in jail?!" Everyone, including Law, yelled.

"And, what the hell kind of name is 'Marble'?! This family is cray-cray!" Law yelled. "Except for Isabella-ya, because she gets me."

"What about us?!" Mason yelled as he gestured to his brother and cousins.

"I like you guys, too. You're hipsters, just like me," Law said.

"I thought his girlfriend was Bonney," Miller pointed out to Edmund.

"I have no clue what happened between Bonney and Law, so don't ask me," Edmund explained.

"Hey! Let's put some music on! Some good music, not the mainstream crap like Miley Cyrus!" Law yelled.

"Aunt Aki, can we play Arctic Monkeys?" Mason asked.

"Ask your Uncle Heathcliffe," Aki answered.

"No, we aren't playing Arctic Monkeys. If we're playing music, it's going to be Fall Out Boy," Heathcliffe said.

"Fall Out Boy is too mainstream!" The hipsters in the room (including Marble) shouted. Everyone grew silent.

"Is this the Sarutobi residence?"

A camera crew consisting of the Red-Haired Pirates and Mihawk entered the room.

"Uhh… What are you doing here?" Holden asked.

"We're here to film a video for The Sarutobi Siblings' Youtube channel," Shanks explained.

"Video? What video?" Lien asked.

"Oh, no! I forgot all about the video Sarutobi-kun and I were going to make!" Aki cried.

"Let me guess – Is it a sex tape?" Mason asked. Heathcliffe bitch-slapped Mason. "Ow! That was a legit guess, man!"

"No. It's a video on how to wash your hair properly," Aki answered. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey, I've found you. It's time to fight Uncle Enoch and his army of bears."

Enoch Takeshima entered the room, with Bepo on a leash he was holding.

"Law, why does Christopher Eccleston want me to wrestle with some hipsters?" Bepo asked his real owner. (1)

"I wasn't around for that, Bepo-ya!" Law yelled as he and Isabella took selfies.

"Hello, I'm Basil Le'Ursa, and I think I may be the father of Marble Sarutobi. Alabama Sarutobi was a sexual partner of mine around the time she was pregnant with Marble."

Basil entered the room, carrying a paternity test. Alabama and Marble sweatdropped.

"I've made a huge mistake," Alabama said before she led Marble out of the party.

"Is there a Mason Sarutobi here?"

Coby and Helmeppo, both dressed as pizza delivery men, entered the room with several boxes of pizza.

"I'm here!" Mason yelled.

"How the [dolphin noises] did you order a pizza?!" Holden cried.

"I did it while everyone was wondering who the father of Alabama was!" Mason yelled.

"That will be fifty dollars," Helmeppo said.

"My son from the future isn't paying fifty dollars for pizza! Isn't the pizza place supposed to be closed tonight?!" Holden asked.

"Did somebody say that they've made a huge mistake?"

Don Krieg and Iceburg entered the room, carrying a volleyball net.

"Why are you two here?" Heathcliffe asked.

"We came for the big fight," Don Krieg answered.

"What big fight?" Teru asked. Then, everything exploded.

"FOOD FIGHT!"

"We're getting out of here," Locke said as he escorted Aurelia, Pearl, Lien, Aleksandar, Mason, Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey, Stella-Rondo, Miller, Law, and Isabella out of the mansion. Then, the food fight ended as quickly as it started.

"My hair!" Aki cried, her hair covered in mashed potatoes.

"My bear used for wrestling!" Enoch yelled as he gave CPR to a passed-out Bepo.

"My paternity suit!" Basil yelled as he scooped up a broken paternity test into his arms.

"Our cameras!" The Red-Haired Pirates yelled.

"Our clothes!" Soren and Teru, who were now both in their underwear, yelled as they watched their clothes burn in a pile in the corner. Soren and Teru then shrugged and began to make-out.

"Our pizzas!" Coby and Helmeppo yelled.

"My leg!" Saint Sarutobi I yelled before he fell down. "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Saint Sarutobi I then got a Life Alert necklace and pressed the button on it.

"_Life Alert is on its way_."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Locke, Aurelia, Pearl, Lien, Aleksandar, Mason, the Abingdon siblings, Miller, Stella-Rondo, Law, and Isabella were in line at the mall, waiting for the doors to open for Black Friday.<p>

"We are never having dinner with my family again," Locke said. Isabella gave him a dirty look.

"Excuse you, peasant," Isabella said darkly.

"Can we join you?"

Yukari and Kazura ran up to the group of hipsters.

"Sure," Locke said. Everyone grew silent. "So… How was dinner with Mikuri and Sayuki?"

"Okay, I guess," Yukari said.

"Until Mikuri revealed that I have to go with him for six months to become a samurai. We ran off, citing that we didn't feel good. Now we're on the run from my parents, Mikuri, Sayuki, AND Dracule Mihawk."

"At least you didn't go to the Sarutobi family dinner," Miller said.

"What happened there?" Yukari asked.

"It's a long story," Pearl said.

"Ain't nobody got time for that," Isabella said.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Christopher Eccleston is my face claim for Enoch.

**Anyway, we'll see you in 2014! Have a good holiday with The DysFUNctional Christmas!**


	111. Second and a Half Anniversary Special!

**Author's Note: **Welcome back, everybody. Before we begin, I need to tell a long-ish story:

When my winter break started two to three weeks ago, I received several books in the mail that I had bought on Amazon during a Cyber Monday shopping spree. One of these books was _The Black Isle _by Sandi Tan, and it is about a Chinese girl in World War II-era Singapore who can see and control ghosts. I finished the book in two days because it was very hard to put down - _The Black Isle _was so good, it became my favorite book. Since it was that good, I made an outline for a parody of the book, and it would become a Yukijima chapter for the Third Anniversary Special. Then, since there were scenes I really wanted to do, I worked on parts of the chapter and then worked on other fics.

Then, the day after Christmas, workers came to my house to work on the downstairs floors, which essentially left me trapped upstairs for five days. In that time and because of my boredom, I wrote more and more of the chapter. However, it was clear that it would be finished six months earlier than May 29th, the date when anniversary chapters of this fic are posted. So, I decided to do things differently - I decided to make this the Second-and-a-Half Anniversary Special. **The DysFUNctional Pirates **is now 2 1/2 years old. Happy half-birthday!

Oh, and this is the longest Yukijima chapter to date - 19,668 words. Have fun.

**Disclaimer: One Piece is the property of Eichiiro Oda. _The Black Isle _is the property of Sandi Tan. Parks and Recreation is the property of NBC. Supernatural is the property of The CW and Eric Kripke. Doctor Who is the property of The BBC and Steven Moffat. Welcome to Night Vale is the property of Cecil Baldwin and Joseph Fink. Portlandia is the property of IFC. Charlie the Unicorn, Llamas With Hats, The Walrus Song, and Detective Heart of America are the properties of Secret Agent Bob, a.k.a., Film Cow, a.k.a., Jason Steele. Dangan Ronpa is the property of Funimation Entertainment and NIS America. Foley Maeve, Aoi Hagiwara, Jodie Walker, Pants Bullet, Leon Richard, Cube, Scribbles, Handles, Ottawa Winnepeg St. John, Aldwin Yorkson, Anton, Ren Yamihoshi, Basil Le'Ursa, and Shen are the properties of luffykotheeevee. And, lastly, the Capricorns, Libras, Aries, Geminis, Aquarius, Taurus, Leos, Scorpios, Sagittarius, and the Dragon Lady belong to me.**

**Second Disclaimer: No pirate crews or One Piece characters were killed in the making of this oneshot. Also, read _The Black Isle_. It's really a good book.**

* * *

><p>Our story starts with the wealthy Abingdon family of Goa Kingdom, East Blue. Kartik, the father, was a famous shipwright, Matsu, the mother, made yummy cookies, sewed things, and was a hidden badass, and Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey, their teenaged kids aged sixteen to eighteen, were normal, hipster teenagers.<p>

Our story actually starts on Rhett and Amelia's seventeenth birthday. At the time, Edmund was eighteen and Bridey was sixteen.

"Mom, can we go to the park?" Rhett asked his mother.

"No," Matsu answered.

"Why? It's just a park," Amelia asked her mother.

"Did Leslie Knope build that park?! No. Therefore, you can't go," Matsu said in the voice of Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation.

"What if it was built by Tom Haverford?" Rhett asked.

"Stop asking questions, Rhett. Mommy has a headache for no reason," Matsu said in a motherly tone of voice.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Baby 5, the family maid, had something to say to the Abingdon children.<p>

"I don't give a [vintage hipster burrito] about what Matsu says. I'm taking you kids to the park," Baby 5 said.

"We suddenly don't want to go. Take us to the new, artisan coffee shop that opened down the block," Edmund said.

"Too bad. You're going to the park," Baby 5 answered.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, everyone arrived at the huge park.<p>

"I'm tired. I'm gonna go to sleep. Do whatever you want," Baby 5 said as she laid down on the grass.

"If you were tired, then why didn't we stay home in the first place?" Edmund asked.

"Don't ask questions," Baby 5 said before she fell asleep. Edmund and his siblings sweatdropped.

"I think we can get to the new, artisan coffee shop from here," Edmund said. With no other words exchanged, the four Abingdons walked away.

"Hey, you! Yes, the four, hipster siblings!"

Kizaru stepped out of the bushes.

"No, we don't want any," Edmund said, leading his siblings away. Kizaru then blocked their path. "I said, we don't want any."

"Would you like to meet my cat?" Kizaru asked.

"No, I don't want to meet your cat. I want to drink artisan coffee and eat artisan pastries and read artisan, high-brow, literature magazines," Edmund answered. Kizaru then dragged the four over to a nearby wall. "Did you not just hear what I said?! Don't make me call the police, because I will!"

"This is my cat, Khoshekh," Kizaru explained, motioning to a floating, black cat. "I found him in this darling town called Night Vale!"

"Cecil Baldwin called, he wants his floating cat back," A young girl named Foley Maeve said before she walked away. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Here, take this butterscotch candy," Kizaru said as he gave a butterscotch candy to Rhett.

"How come my brother and sisters don't get any?" Rhett asked Kizaru.

"Because that was the only one left?" Kizaru lied. At that moment, several butterscotch candies fell out of his pocket. Everyone grew silent. "I lied. It was for the Vine."

The Abingdons facepalmed.

"Guys, we're going. We can get better candy from Costco," Edmund said as he led his siblings away. "Bridey, do you still have mom's Costco card?"

"Still here!" Bridey said, pulling out a Costco card that said "Matsu Takeshima" on it. Back at the Abingdon manor…

"Why is my bill from Costco so heavy?" Matsu asked, opening the bill. After a few minutes of reading the bill over, Matsu screamed.

"Must be that time of month again…" Kartik muttered.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Amelia was sleeping, when a white light woke her up. Amelia then put on her glasses.<p>

"No, Edmund, I don't want to stay up late and watch Arrested Development with you. Ask Bridey," Amelia said before she noticed that she was talking to a ghost, Nico Olvia, and not her brother. "Uhh… Can you tell my brother that I'll come downstairs and watch T.V. with him IF he puts it on Doctor Who or Parks and Recreation?"

Olvia remained silent.

"That's okay," Amelia said before she took her glasses off and went back to sleep. Olvia then disappeared. Five seconds later, Edmund entered the room.

"Amelia, do you want to watch Arrested Development with me?" Edmund whispered. Amelia kept sleeping. "That's okay. I'll ask Bridey instead. You're welcome to join us."

Edmund then left the room.

* * *

><p>The next afternoon…<p>

"You saw WHO?!" Baby 5 asked.

"A ghost. It's not like I saw anybody famous like Andrew VanWyngarten or Ben Goldwasser," Amelia explained.

"Okay, number one, I don't know who Andrew Goldwasser and Ben VanWinehouse are –" Baby 5 explained before Edmund cut her off.

"They're from the band MGMT," Edmund added.

"And it's Andrew VanWyngarten and Ben Goldwasser," Rhett added.

"They did that one song that's played everywhere that goes 'do do do do do-do-do'," Bridey added.

"That song's called _Kids_," Amelia added. Baby 5 sweatdropped.

"Anyway, that was Nico Olvia. She worked here when you were a baby, but she died before you could talk. Don't talk to her, because she'll try to kill you like she did when you were little," Baby 5 explained.

"Why did she try to kill me? I'm likeable," Amelia asked.

"If Olvia tried to kill Amelia, did she try and kill me because I'm her twin?" Rhett asked.

"But, of course," Baby 5 said. "She tried to kill you for not-plot-relevant reasons. She died before she got the chance. After Olvia died, I never opened jars of pickles the same way again."

Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey sweatdropped.

* * *

><p>That night, Baby 5 was demonghost/wendigo-proofing Amelia and Rhett's bedroom.

"So… What do I do if I see a ghost in the future?" Amelia asked.

"The first thing you need to do is watch Supernatural, if you haven't already," Baby 5 explained. "Second, you need to learn how to draw demon traps and demon protection symbols. Third, you must stock up on salt."

"Why salt?" Amelia asked.

"If you watch Supernatural, you'll understand," Baby 5 explained. "You'll also need to get an acquired taste for pie, a black, 1967 Impala, and an adoptive father by the name of Bobby Singer."

"Why do I need all of this stuff? I'm a person who sees ghosts, not hunts demons," Amelia asked. Baby 5 then began to file her nails.

"Saving people, hunting things, it's the family business. You'll get used to it," Baby 5 said.

"Was that a Supernatrual reference?" Amelia asked. Baby 5 stopped filing her nails.

"That was a reference to Doctor Who. Of course, it's a Supernatural reference," Baby 5 said before she stormed out of the room. Rhett then woke up.

"Amelia, why are you making references to Supernatural at three in the morning?" Rhett asked. Baby 5 then re-entered the room.

"Kevin Tran lives!" Baby 5 yelled before she left the room. Amelia and Rhett sweatdropped.

"I must be dreaming…" Rhett commented before he fell back asleep.

* * *

><p>"You got fired?!"<p>

The next morning at breakfast…

"Yeah, and for no reason, too," Kartik explained with a sigh. Then, the music started as various One Piece characters/OCs entered the dining room.

"_Kartik, you look quite down with your big, sad eyes and that big, fat frown. The world doesn't have to be so gray_," Luffy sang.

"_Kartik, when your life's a mess, when you're feeling blue, always in distress. I know what can wash that sad away_," Usopp sang as he picked up a banana Edmund was about to eat.

"I was going to eat that banana!" Edmund yelled.

"_All you have to do is put a banana in your ear,_" Usopp sang.

"_A banana in my ear?_" Kartik sang/asked.

"_Put a ripe banana right into your favorite ear_," Annalease and Miller sang.

"_It's true!_" Franky sang.

"_Says who?!_" Kartik sang. Then, the music stopped with a record scratch.

"I'm sorry, but the majority of us weren't supposed to be here. If you need us, some of us appear in later scenes," Usopp said before the singers left the room. The Abingdons grew silent. Usopp then re-entered the room with Edmund's banana. "Oh, and here's your banana back."

Usopp tossed the banana to Edmund, who caught it.

"Thanks, Usopp!" Edmund yelled to the now-departing Usopp.

* * *

><p>That night, Kartik was happy.<p>

"I found a job!" Kartik announced.

"That's wonderful, dear!" Matsu said.

"However, it's all the way in Yukijima. I would also like to take the kids, because I don't want to be lonely," Kartik said.

"Do we get a say in this move?" Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey asked. Kartik laughed.

"No," Kartik said in all seriousness.

"Then, I will hold down the fort here. Send for me when you get enough money," Matsu said.

* * *

><p>The next day, Kartik and his kids began the boat ride to Yukijima.<p>

"So, when will we get to Yukijima?" Edmund asked.

"In a few days," Kartik answered as he pulled out several, long-ass books from his luggage. "In the meantime, check out the ship. Daddy needs his alone time."

However, Edmund and his siblings didn't move an inch.

"Run along, kids. Daddy needs his alone time. _Gone With the Wind _isn't going to start and finish itself," Kartik said, not looking up from his book. The Abingdon children then left the room.

"Dad must be really crazy about his alone time," Amelia said, breaking the silence.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" Kartik yelled from inside the room. The sound of a heavy book hitting a wall then echoed through the ship.

"I think that's our cue to go," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>And, so, the Abingdon children went their separate ways to wander the ship aimlessly.<p>

"I wonder why dad needs so much 'alone time' when he's really just reading," Amelia thought to herself as she wandered onto the pool deck. Inside the pool, a young girl named Chimney swam as her cat – I mean, rabbit – named Gonbe watched. "Hey! Where are your parents?! Is that rabbit posing as a cat your legal guardian?!"

"Don't bother, Chimney's a ghost."

A blue-haired, British guy approached Amelia. However, he needed no introduction, since it was Kipton Lim from the Libras.

"I think I figured that out when the girl didn't talk to me," Amelia said. "Either that, or she can't be bothered to talk to me."

"Anyway, I'm Kipton. I'm nineteen, British, and gay for Nigel Crawley," Kipton said.

"I'm Amelia. I'm seventeen, not British, and the main character of this Yukijima adventure instead of Maeve," Amelia explained.

"I resent that remark!" Maeve yelled from down the hall. "Come on, Jodie, we have to go get Chinese food for the Coffee Cake Expo!"

Kipton and Amelia sweatdropped.

"Let me guess – Going to Yukijima?" Kipton asked.

"But, of course," Amelia said.

* * *

><p>Over the next few days, Kipton and Amelia did random stuff on the ship while Kartik read alone and Edmund, Rhett, and Bridey did other stuff. On the last day before the ship docked, Edmund, Rhett, and Bridey got sick, and Kipton was nowhere to be seen for no reason.<p>

"Edmund, Rhett, Bridey, Kipton, where are you guys? We need to do hipster things together!" Amelia called out as she entered the captain's room. Inside, Iceburg and Paulie, the two captains of the ship, were drinking beers and watching Trapped in the Closet.

"_He walks up to the closet. He comes up to the closet. Now he's at the closet. Now he's opening the closet…_" Iceburg and Paulie sang. Amelia cleared her throat.

"Can I help you?" Paulie asked. Chimney then ran into the room.

"Uhh… Do you see a kid with blonde pigtails?" Amelia asked. Iceburg and Paulie looked around, and they saw nothing.

"You mean Chimney? She's at the pool," Paulie asked.

"Come on, we'll take you to the pool to see Chimney," Iceburg said.

"Chimney is a ghost," Amelia said.

"That's what they want you to think," Iceburg said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Amelia, Iceburg, and Paulie arrived at the pool.<p>

"See, Chimney is a ghost," Amelia explained as she opened the door. However, Chimney wasn't there. Instead, it was a little, British boy in a gas mask.

"Are you my mummy? Mummy?" The little, British boy asked. Iceburg, Paulie, and Amelia screamed and ran off.

* * *

><p>The scene the cut to the Ninth Doctor, who was standing in front of the TARDIS.<p>

"Go sit in the corner and think about what you have done," The Ninth Doctor said.

"_And, now, back to our show_."

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the boat finally docked at Yukijima.<p>

"Amelia, where did you go?" Edmund asked as Amelia ran up to them.

"Don't go back on the ship. There's a British boy in a gas mask asking for his mummy," Amelia explained. Her siblings screamed.

"Get us off of this boat!" Edmund, Rhett, and Bridey yelled.

"We are," Kartik said calmly as the five walked off of the gangplank.

"We're here. Thank God, we're here," Edmund said to himself.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Abingdon family were ready to move into their new apartment on Yukijima.<p>

"Bullock Cart Water?!" Edmund yelled, reading off of a street sign. "What the hell kind of street name is 'Bullock Cart Water'?!" (1)

"It even shows up on Google Maps," Rhett said, not looking up from his iPhone. "If you go into Street View, it shows a whole row of people with food trucks and food carts selling the alleged Bullock Cart Water on the street known as 'Bullock Cart Water'."

"No. You don't name a neighborhood 'Bullock Cart Water'. That is so low-class," Kartik ranted as they entered the apartment complex. "Oh, look, kids, a piano!"

Kartik walked over to the piano and began to play some piece by Mozart.

"How much do you want to bet that we walk out before our first day of school is tomorrow?" Bridey asked.

"Fifty bucks, take it or leave it, that we leave tonight for home. I miss mom and her cookies," Edmund said as Kartik finished playing his song.

"Hey! You can't leave! You're going to school tomorrow!" Kartik yelled. "Rhett and Edmund are going to the Charlie the Unicorn Boys' School and Amelia and Bridey are going to the Detective Heart of America Girls' School!"

"As if we couldn't cram enough references to Charlie the Unicorn in an average Yukijima chapter," Edmund said under his breath.

"What did you say?!" Kartik yelled. "I shall now express my utter disgust and anger through the piano!"

Kartik then began to play the piano aggressively.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Abingdon children start school. While Edmund and Rhett went to the Charlie the Unicorn Boys' School, Amelia and Bridey went to the Detective Heart of America Girls' School.<p>

"Fuck the Ouya Kickstarter!" Hancock yelled as Amelia and Bridey entered her office. Amelia and Bridey then sweatdropped. (2)

"What's the Ouya Kickstarter?" Bridey asked. Hancock grew silent.

"You wouldn't understand," Hancock said darkly. "Anyway, hi, I'm Boa Hancock. I'm the principal of your school. Amelia and Bridey Abingdon, yes?"

"Yeah," Amelia said. "I'm Amelia, BTW."

"I knew that already," Hancock said apathetically.

* * *

><p>Over at the Charlie the Unicorn Boys' School.<p>

"Fuck the Ouya Kickstarter!" Crocodile yelled as Rhett and Edmund entered his office. Rhett and Edmund then sweatdropped.

"What's the Ouya Kickstarter?" Edmund asked. Crocodile grew silent.

"You wouldn't understand," Crocodile said darkly. "Anyway, hi, I'm Crocodile. I'm the principal of this school. Rhett and Edmund Abingdon, yes?"

"Yes," Rhett said. "I'm Rhett, by the way."

"I knew that already," Crocodile said apathetically.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, with Amelia and Bridey…<p>

"I see dead people," Amelia said, ghosts floating around her.

"I just see students," Bridey said.

"You wouldn't understand," Amelia said.

"Didn't our school used to be a mental asylum?" Bridey asked.

"Disregard what you just said. It has nothing to do with the plot," A student named Foley Maeve said as she walked past. Amelia and Bridey sweatdropped.

"I think this is a common occurrence in all schools in Yukijima," Amelia said.

* * *

><p>Over the next few weeks, the Abingdon children excelled in school. They also made new friends, who were hipsters like them. In short, the Abingdons did well and met the Libras.<p>

However, everything changed one night when Kartik made an announcement.

"Pack your bags. I'm running a rubber plantation now, and we have to move to the rubber plantation," Kartik said.

"What happened?" Edmund asked.

"People died, there was a fire, and I wore a fancy suit during the whole thing. That's what happened," Kartik explained. His children sweatdropped. "Hey, kids, did you know that rubber comes from trees?"

"Dad, that doesn't tell us what – Wait, rubber comes from trees?!" Edmund cried. Kartik nodded. "I thought rubber was synthetically made! My entire life has been a lie!"

"You did not know that rubber comes from trees?" Rhett asked. Edmund nodded. "Good. At least I'm not the only one who thought rubber was made in a lab."

"Doesn't the climate have to be tropical to grow rubber trees? Last time I checked, Yukijima has the same climate as Los Angeles and San Diego," Amelia said. Kartik nervously laughed.

"Fuck logic. It's a crack re-telling of _The Black Isle _by Sandi Tan. That was totally not advertising for the book itself," Kartik said nervously.

"That was advertising just now," Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey said in unison.

* * *

><p>Two days later, the Abingdons arrived at a rubber plantation. Of course, they were going to live in the mansion.<p>

"Why is there a pitchfork here?" Amelia asked, looking at the pitchfork hanging on the wall in the den.

"I have the feeling the old owners are subtlety trying to get us to read Pitchfork more often. When was the last time I read Pitchfork?" Rhett explained.

"I miss Kazura," Edmund said.

"Why?" Bridey asked.

"Because Kazura uses a pitchfork as a weapon!" Edmund sobbed. Amelia sighed.

"This is going to be a long rubber-producing season," Amelia said to her siblings.

* * *

><p>One week later, at dinner…<p>

"So, I kind of suck at commanding our employees, so the Rubber Plantation Police may be coming for us," Kartik announced. Loud sirens then pierced the air.

"This is the Rubber Plantation Police! Kartik Abingdon, get out here right now, or we will have to use force!"

Kartik then began to sweat like Equius from Homestuck.

"I've made a huge mistake…" Kartik said to himself. "Kids, you're now in charge of the rubber plantation."

"I still don't know how rubber comes from trees!" Edmund cried.

"Disregard that and do as I say, Edmund Francis Shirley McYolo Abingdon!" Kartik yelled.

"Edmund's right, dad," Rhett interjected.

"Yeah, we didn't know that rubber came from trees. All this time, we thought rubber was made in a lab," Amelia said.

"Well, that's not my fault, Rhett Ashley Lincoln Double Rainbow Abingdon and Amelia Madeline Christine Swimming Anime Abingdon!" Kartik yelled. Bridey sighed.

"So, what are you going to do?" Bridey asked her father.

"Hide in my study like a coward, Bridey Virgina Elizabeth Sparkle Pony Abingdon," Kartik answered.

"Kartik Abingdon, come out right now, or we will have to break things! You won't like us when we break things!"

"I love you, kids!" Kartik yelled before he ran down the hall. The Abingdon children sweatdropped.

"Let's play some Cards Against Humanity and wait for this to blow over," Edmund suggested.

* * *

><p>The next morning…<p>

"Hi, peasants!" Kartik announced as he approached the plantation workers. Everyone grew silent.

"**Fact: Ladybugs, who are named after the Virgin Mary, are extremely promiscuous. They have the highest STD rate among insects**," Cube retorted. Kartik frowned.

"Anyway, I am announcing that my kids are taking over my job. Bye, peasants," Kartik said before he walked away. The plantation workers sweatdropped.

"Is this the part where more Supernatural references come in?" Bullet asked.

"No, Bullet. We have to wait a few more page breaks for those," Maeve said.

"What about all of the Parks and Recreation references we were promised?!" Jodie asked.

"Those are going to come when Basil comes," Maeve said.

"When does Basil come in?" Leon asked. Maeve pulled out a script for this Yukijima chapter and began to read it.

"According to the script, Basil is supposed to make his first appearance at a party," Maeve said.

"Ooh! Are we invited?" Aoi asked. Maeve shrugged.

"We were going to crash it anyway," Maeve pointed out. Maeve and her personalities grew silent.

"**Fact: Jagermeister was originally developed as a cough medicine and a digestion aid**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>The next morning, at breakfast…<p>

"Dad, when are we going to send for mom?" Rhett asked.

"We aren't. I got a divorce from her," Kartik said.

"But, dad, you said – Wait…" Rhett said.

"Why did you get a divorce from mom?!" Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey yelled.

"I'll never tell," Kartik said evilly.

"Are we still going to see mom?" Amelia asked.

"But, of course. The custody hearing is pending," Kartik said. His children grew silent.

"I don't know what that has to do with the plot, but, okay," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, Amelia wandered the plantation, deep in thought.<p>

"Hey, you. Why so glum?"

Ivankov approached Amelia, and he was dressed in a skimpy, millipede costume.

"My parents are getting a divorce for no reason, I miss my friends, my brothers, sister, and I have to run this rubber plantation for our dad, and this is a Yukijima story. And, how was your day?" Amelia asked.

"That sucks," Ivankov said. "Anyway, I'm working on a song from my first EP right now, want to hear it?"

"I guess," Amelia said. Ivankov cleared his throat.

"_I'm a millipede, I'm a millipede. Hey, hey! Am I gonna crawl inside your brain? Right inside your brain, right inside your brain! Now, you'll only think of millipede thoughts!_" Ivankov sang. Amelia sweatdropped.

"That was pretty good," Amelia lied. "Do you take requests?"

"Only if the song is _Total Eclipse of the Heart_," Ivankov said. "_And, I need you now tonight! And, I need you now forever!_"

As Ivankov sang, Amelia snuck off.

* * *

><p>When Amelia got home, she noticed a certain Ero Cook having afternoon tea with her father.<p>

"Amelia-chawn!" Sanji yelled. Amelia sweatdropped.

"Oh, Amelia, I forgot to tell you. Sanji, the old owner of the rubber plantation, is visiting us for a few days to see how things are going," Kartik explained.

"Wait, didn't people die in order for you to get the plantation?" Amelia asked. Kartik laughed nervously.

"Amelia, just know that Sanji survived the whole ordeal because he was at 7-11 buying the evening paper," Kartik said. In the other room, Edmund, Rhett, and Bridey were eavesdropping.

"See, guys? I told you that Sanji was going to be relevant to the plot," Bridey said, extending her hand. Edmund and Rhett then gave her two, twenty-dollar bills.

"Damn, you're good at this," Edmund commented.

* * *

><p>A few nights later…<p>

"Kids, Sanji, I need to go to 7-11 to pick up some things. I shouldn't be gone that long, so if anything happens, just stay here and remain calm," Kartik explained. "I'll see you in a few."

Kartik then left the mansion.

"So, what's the worst that could happen?" Sanji asked everyone. Maeve – who was tied to a brick that was her sized – crashed through the window.

"I'm a brick!" Maeve said before she passed out. Sanji shrugged.

"Broken window, eh? I'm not even mad," Sanji said apathetically.

"It's going to cost money to repair it," Edmund pointed out. Sanji then lit a cigarette and began to smoke.

"Not my division. I leave tomorrow morning. Tonight is the last night that I'm relevant to the plot," Sanji explained. "Plus, we all know your dad isn't picking up stuff at 7-11. He only went there to re-create the _Konbini _videos where random, anime characters go to the convenience store and do stuff."

Somebody outside screamed. The five grew silent.

"I spoke too soon," Sanji said.

"Way to go, Sanji. You had one job," Edmund said.

"I'll go see what's going on outside," Amelia said, grabbing the pitchfork from the wall.

"Good luck," Edmund said, giving Amelia the District 12 salute. Amelia then stepped outside, only to be greeted with Aomame's corpse a few feet away.

"Aomame?!" Amelia yelled, running up to the doctor of the Aries Pirates. "Aomame, please tell me you have a concussion and all of this blood is strawberry Jell-O!"

"She dead. We're having a trial."

Bepo approached Amelia.

"Bepo, what are you doing here?" Amelia asked.

"Somebody has to play Monokuma from Dangan Ronpa," Bepo said with a shrug. "Come with me, and this will all be over sooner."

Bepo and Amelia then began to walk.

"So, how did Aomame die?" Amelia asked.

"We're rioting against Kartik. He is a bad excuse for a boss," Bepo said as they approached a windowless shack. The bear and the girl entered the shack, revealing that it was setup just like the trial room from Dangan Ronpa. All of the Aries but Aomame stood in front of podiums, with a picture of Aomame between Yohan and Kim.

"Uhh… What do I do?" Amelia asked. Bepo motioned to a podium next to the judge's podium. Amelia then walked behind her designated podium as Bepo walked behind the judge's podium.

"Listen up, sluts! The trial of Aomame Kirigaya is now starting!" Bepo yelled.

"Why am I involved?" Amelia asked.

"Her body was found a few feet from your house! I'm not stupid, Amelia!" Bepo yelled.

"At least I have an alibi! Around the time Aomame died, I was talking to my dad, my siblings, Sanji, and Maeve! I was in my house!" Amelia yelled.

"Okay, fair enough," Bepo shrugged. "But, we still don't know who killed Aomame and why."

"I talked to Aomame shortly before she died," Beal said, raising his hand.

"What did you say to her?" Bepo asked. Beal cleared his throat.

"Is this working?" Beal asked. "Aomame, before I change, here's a list of instructions for when I'm human. One, don't let me hurt anyone. We can't have that, but you know what humans are like. Two, don't worry about the TARDIS. I'll put it on emergency power so they can't detect it. Just let it hide away. Four... No, wait a minute, three... No getting involved in big historical events. Four, you. Don't let me abandon you. And five, very important, five. Don't let me eat pears. I HATE PEARS. John Smith is a character I made up, but I won't know that. I'll think I am him and he might do something stupid like eat a pear. In three months I don't want to wake up from being human and taste that. And six, now I have to talk for around about a minute without hesitation, deviation, or whatever the other thing is, it's like that panel game on Channel 4 like Llewellyn just pointed out. However, I'm going to move on and say number seven, and talk about my other favorite band, which is The House Martins. I don't know if anyone remembers The House Martins, but the best gig I ever went to was at the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre in about December, it must have been 1990, and The House Martins were playing, and it was quite simply the best gig I've ever been to. They split up quite soon afterwards, I don't know what that tells you about that particular event. I'm sitting in the TARDIS now, and I'm gonna wind up soon, but not before I make a few strange noises with my mouth, all goes something along the lines of, bingle bangle, dingle dangle, yickety doo, yickety dah, ping pong, lippy tuppy tooh tah. And, twenty-three, if anything goes wrong, if they find us, Aomame, then you know what to do."

Everyone grew silent.

"Beal Myles is guilty for the murder of Aomame Kirigaya! He will be executed now!" Bepo announced.

"What?! I didn't even kill Aomame! Indie can vouch for me! I was with her when Aomame died!" Beal cried as Bepo dragged him off.

* * *

><p><strong>Execution – Beal Myles, Super High School-Level Tenth Doctor Look-a-Like<strong>

Rayleigh stood in a British suburb, dressed like Wilfred Mott, complete with reindeer horns. The TARDIS then appeared, and Beal stepped out of it.

"Take those off. It's not even Christmas," Beal told Rayleigh.

"No, I shan't! It's Christmas!" Rayleigh yelled. He then turned into a Dalek and shot Beal.

"I don't want to go," Beal said before he Regenerated into… Thorn.

"Hi, everybody!" Thorn said in the voice of Dr. Nick from The Simpsons.

"Hi, Dr. Nick!" A studio audience said. The Aries and Bepo screamed.

"No, no, no! Give Beal back! I'll trade him for Thorn!" Bepo sobbed. In the distance, Amelia snuck off.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Amelia returned home.<p>

"I'm home!" Amelia yelled as she stepped inside. The sight of Sanji passed out and Rhett, Edmund, and Bridey leaning over him greeted Amelia. "What's going on?"

"Sanji just passed out for no reason," Rhett answered. "We don't know what happened."

Aomame then entered the room. Amelia screamed.

"What?" Edmund asked.

"Aomame's not supposed to be here!" Amelia screamed.

"She was the closest doctor we could find," Rhett explained.

"Aomame's dead, Rhett! We had a Dangan Ronpa trial and everything! Beal was even executed for Aomame's death!" Amelia screamed. The Abingdon siblings looked up, and they saw that Aomame now had fire coming out of her fingers.

"Oh, crap," Edmund said. "Guys, run."

The Abingdon children then ran away, with Aomame the ghost following suit. As the Abingdons ran around the mansion, the theme from Benny Hill played in the background.

"Why is this song playing?!" Edmund screamed as he and his siblings ran down the upstairs hall.

"Shut up and keep running!" Amelia yelled as the four ran down the stairs. Then, all four siblings tripped on the last stair and fell down. "Edmund, grab Bridey and run! Don't look back!"

Edmund said nothing as he picked up Bridey bridal-style – get it? – and ran out of the house. Amelia then ran into the kitchen and began to search for a knife.

"Wait – I think Baby 5 said something that could help me!" Amelia said.

"_Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal in other planets._"

"_You'll never guess what I found in my sock last night! You'll never guess!_"

"_It was his hat, Mr. Krabs! He was number one!_"

Amelia then noticed a container of salt on the counter.

"Salt! When it rains, it pours!" Amelia yelled as she grabbed the salt and ran back to the den. In the den, ghost!Aomame had Rhett backed up into a corner, and Rhett was frantically drawing the demon protection symbol from Supernatural with a Sharpie on his hand.

"Hurry, Amelia! I can't draw this demon protection symbol fast enough!" Rhett yelled.

"I'm on it!" Amelia yelled as she sprinkled some salt on the floor. A few minutes later, she had made a pentagram out of salt. "Rhett, will this do it?!"

"Amelia, you weren't supposed to do a pentagram!" Rhett yelled. Aomame then noticed the salt pentagram and disappeared. "That was close."

Sanji then woke up.

"What happened?" Sanji asked. Amelia grabbed a pillow from the sofa and handed it to Sanji.

"Time for bed, Sanji," Amelia said before she and Rhett exited the mansion, where Edmund and Bridey were waiting.

"Do you guys know how to get Sharpie off of skin?" Rhett asked.

"Use rubbing alcohol," Edmund answered. Kartik then approached the kids.

"Kids, what's going on?" Kartik asked.

"Long story," Rhett said. "Speaking of long stories, can we stay up and watch a movie tonight?"

"Which movie?" Kartik asked.

"_Les Miserablés,_" Edmund answered.

"I don't see why not," Kartik said, escorting the kids back inside.

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

The scene then cut to Basil, who was in a home shopping channel set with random objects one would find in a home shopping network.

"Hi, I'm Basil Le'Ursa, and I am now selling my products on QVC," Basil said. "For those of you at home, what the fuck does 'QVC' stand for?"

"Wikipedia says it stands for 'Quality, Value, Convenience'," Bullet said, not looking up from an iPad.

"Thanks, Bullet. There's a reason why we're bros," Basil said before he turned back to the audience. "In case you forgot, I'm Basil Le'Ursa, and this is my show for QVC, Basil's Random Shit he Couldn't Sell on Craigslist. Here, I sell stuff that I couldn't sell on Craigslist for various reasons. Some stuff couldn't be shipped internationally, there was some stuff pedophiles and other creepy people wanted – stranger danger, kids -, and the rest of the stuff, nobody wanted."

"Never go on Craigslist, kids. Always sell your stuff to a thrift shop," Bullet said as Basil pulled out random boxes filled with junk.

"Now, for our first item, it's my mystery box. You'll never know what's inside," Basil said. "And, we have our first caller. Yvonne Imlay from Pawnee, Indiana, you're on the air."

"_Basil, I've made a huge mistake_."

"Why do you say that?" Basil asked Yvonne.

"_I ordered one of your mystery boxes, and it only consisted of small, slips of paper that had the Trollface on it. I want my money back._"

"I'm sorry, but there are no refunds for my mystery boxes. You get what you get," Basil said. "I'm sorry, Yvonne, but we have another caller on the line. Blaise Nightwing from Lawrence, Kansas, you're on the air."

"_Hi, Basil. I think you sent me the wrong mystery box. I found packets of salt, a tan trench coat, a cassette of the song 'Carry on, my Wayward Son' by Kansas, John Winchester's guide to demon hunting, a pie, and keys to a 1967 Impala inside._"

"I didn't send you the wrong box. Only one out of five hundred people would receive a Supernatural-themed mystery box, and you were the lucky recipient. You should've seen that coming since you live in Lawrence, Kansas," Basil explained. "Sorry, Blaise, but we have another caller. Annalease Pratt from Portland, Oregon, you're on the air."

"_Hi, Basil. My cousin Miller's birthday is in a few weeks, and I want to get him something special. He likes lumberjack stuff, the movie 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers', and The Black Keys._"

Bullet then dragged Miller on-stage.

"This is kidnapping! I have 911 on speed dial!" Miller yelled.

"Get Miller this, and you'll be his favorite cousin forever," Basil explained, motioning to Miller.

"_…That is my cousin. That's Miller. Why do you have him_?"

Basil laughed nervously.

"Oh, [Pon pon wei wei wei]. I've made a huge mistake," Basil said.

"We have an arrest warrant for Basil Le'Ursa for the kidnapping of Miller Pratt!"

"Oh, looks like we're out of time! Stay tuned for the very-fashionable show 'Clothing You Wear When Involved With a Conspiracy Theory, Starring Ren and Shen'!" Basil announced.

"QVC is trying to control the shopping industry!" Ren yelled off-screen as Basil and Bullet ran off, leaving a very confused Miller behind.

"What just happened?" Miller asked.

** End Intermission**

* * *

><p>The next day, Amelia decided that she had enough of the rubber plantation, so she packed her bags and prepared to return to Yukijima.<p>

"Amelia, wait!"

Amelia turned back, and she saw Kartik, Edmund, Rhett, and Bridey, all carrying luggage.

"Come to see me off?" Amelia asked.

"No, we're coming with you," Rhett answered.

"What about the plantation?" Amelia asked.

"Gave it to Sanji," Kartik said. "Thankfully, he gave me a job and a nice apartment back in Yukijima."

"How did he –" Amelia asked before her father cut her off.

"You and your siblings will go on ahead to Yukijima. I need to stay behind for a few days," Kartik explained. "Before you ask, I will not tell you the specifics of the job, or I will be forced to go to prison."

The Abingdon siblings sweatdropped.

"We'll see you in a few days, dad," Edmund said before he escorted his siblings off.

* * *

><p>A few days later, Kartik joined his children at the fancy apartment the Abingdons now lived at in Yukijima.<p>

"So, how did it go?" Amelia asked Kartik.

"I pulled a Katniss Everdeen and wore a nice suit," Kartik answered vaguely. Amelia sweatdropped.

"That doesn't tell me anything," Amelia pointed out.

"Ami, do you want me to go to prison? Stop asking questions about what I did the past few days," Kartik said. "Hey, where are your brothers and sister?"

"They went out to buy me a 'surprise housewarming gift," Amelia explained. Edmund, Rhett, and Bridey entered the apartment.

"Amelia, if you want your housewarming gift, come with us, if convenient. If inconvenient, come anyway," Edmund explained. Amelia turned to Kartik.

"Go ahead. The Capricorns are coming for a housewarming party, anyway," Kartik said. Edmund and his siblings then hurried out of the apartment.

"Be glad your housewarming gift isn't the Capricorns," Edmund said to Amelia.

* * *

><p>A few minutes of walking later, the sun had set, and the Abingdon children arrived at a large mansion.<p>

"Door's open," Edmund read from a sign taped to the door. Edmund then opened the door.

"Who lives here?" Amelia asked as they entered the large, ritzy mansion.

"People I hate," Edmund answered as they approached a closed door. "We're supposed to go in here, right?"

"That's what the invite said," Rhett said. Edmund opened the door, and the four walked into a large, dark room.

"What's going on?" Amelia asked.

"First thing we need to do is turn on the lights," Edmund said as he turned on the lights. As soon as the lights turned on, the rest of the Libras jumped out from various hiding spots.

"Surprise! Welcome home!" The rest of the Libras shouted. The Abingdons then screamed like fangirls.

"Oh, my God, you guys! I missed ALL of you!" Edmund said as everyone hugged.

"That was the most hipster group hug ever," Maeve said.

"**Fact: Louis Vuitton burns its unsold merchandise so it wouldn't be sold at factory outlet stores**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the hipster, housewarming party was in full swing.<p>

"_Do the Macarena in the Devil's lair! But, just don't sit down, 'cause I've moved your chair!_" Mason yelled/sang.

"Locke, Aurelia, what's going on?"

Soren and Teru entered the room, both in their underwear. The Libras sweatdropped.

"If we leave now, are we spared your wrath?" Kazura asked.

"If you leave now, I will not call the police to ask them to arrest a bunch of hipsters, including my own children from the future, for 'noise pollution'," Soren explained. Kazura sighed.

"Fine, we'll go. Thanks for ruining our party, jerk," Kazura said before the Libras left the mansion.

"What a drag, Locke. Your dad just called off our party," Stella-Rondo said.

"We could continue the party at my place," Edmund suggested.

"Yeah, let's go to Edmund's! I heard he got a new place!" Yukari said.

"And, I heard it has a game room!" Mason added.

"Game room? I'm there," Lien said. As the crowd of hipsters walked off, Maeve watched.

"And, now it's time for the show," Maeve said for no reason.

* * *

><p>The next morning…<p>

"Amelia, there's some shirtless guy here for you," Kartik said as he escorted Daruma inside of the apartment. Kartik then screamed and ran off. Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey sweatdropped.

"Oh, hey, Daruma. What's up?" Edmund asked casually.

"I need Amelia to come with me. She gets to steal stuff from Soren and Teru," Daruma explained.

"You're stealing stuff from Soren Sarutobi? Why am I not invited?!" Edmund asked Daruma.

"Because I heard Amelia can see ghosts," Daruma said. "You're free to tag along."

"I don't see the harm in that. We'll go with Amelia," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Daruma and the Abingdon siblings arrived at Soren and Teru's mansion.<p>

"Here, take this and bury it," Daruma said as he gave Amelia a wood carving of the demon protection symbol from Supernatural.

"Why?" Amelia asked.

"It has something to do with Soren and Teru's sex life," Daruma answered.

"Why the hell would I help them with that?!" Amelia cried.

"Because every time Soren and Teru [dolphin chip], [foghorn], and [seagull chirp], Teru has to [waves crashing on a beach] in order for the ghost of her mother-in-law to [seal noises]," Daruma explained. The Abingdons sweatdropped.

"Language," Edmund said. Daruma said nothing as he handed Amelia a shovel.

"I can't believe I'm doing this…" Amelia said to herself. "This doesn't even have anything to do with the plot."

"Exactly," Daruma said. Amelia just kept digging.

"What the frick frack diddly dack patty whack snick snack crack pack slack mack quarterback crackerjack biofeedback backtrack thumbtack sidetrack tic-tac does she think she's doin'?"

Amelia looked up from her digging, and she saw Soren.

"Uhh… Fighting cavities?" Amelia answered, slowly pulling out a pack of Trident bubble gum. Soren sweatdropped.

"Go home, Amelia. You're drunk," Aurelia said.

* * *

><p>The next evening…<p>

"Guys, go do something out of the house for a while," Teru told Locke, Aurelia, Mason, Aleksandar, Pearl, and Lien. Teru was now wearing a sexy nightgown, stockings, and a garterbelt.

"Yeah! You heard Teru! Leave so I can have sex with my wife!" Soren – who was now wearing just a Hugh Hefner bathrobe – shouted from the top of the stairs. The Libra Sarutobis sweatdropped.

"Fine. We're leaving," Locke said as he dragged his cousins and sister out of the mansion.

"That was unnecessary and I want to sue you now," Mason said. Locke just ignored him.

"Anyway, what do you guys want to do?" Locke said.

"Let's go to Denny's! America's diner is always open!" Lien yelled. Everyone turned to Lien. "Do you really think I'm kidding?"

"Nope! Let's go to Denny's!" Locke said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Locke, Aurelia, Pearl, Lien, Aleksandar, and Mason arrived at Denny's. At some point, Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey, Yukari, Kazura, Stella-Rondo, and Miller joined them for no reason.<p>

"So, why are we all meeting at Denny's?" Edmund asked.

"Because America's diner is always open," Mason said with a shrug.

"You know, somewhere in America, there's actually a Denny's that could be closed," Kazura pointed out. Mason grew silent.

"Fuck your logic about Denny's. America's diner is always open," Mason said darkly.

"Good evening, and welcome to Denny's, America's diner that's always open. Can I take your order?"

The Libras looked up, and they saw Spandam.

"Do you still have a promotion going on for _The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug_?" Mason asked.

"Before you ask, no, we do not have any pancakes in the design of Benedict Cumberbatch OR Martin Freeman," Spandam explained. "We only have Grand Slammiches."

"Can we get some coffee to start?" Kazura asked.

"Why the hell not? What's stopping you, kid with a hipster scarf?" Spandam asked. Kazura grew silent.

"Woah, okay. There's no need to be rude," Kazura pointed out.

"Can I have a milkshake?" Lien asked.

"I'm sorry, but we just ran out of ice cream," Spandam said. "However, I will give you a free Grand Slammich for your trouble."

"I said 'milkshake' not 'Grand Slammich'!" Lien cried.

"What kinds of pancakes do you have?" Miller asked.

"ALL the pancakes," Spandam answered.

"Can I get some pancakes, two slices of hash browns, some bacon, and some slices of ham?" Miller asked.

"Sure, you can have a Grand Slammich," Spandam answered.

"I never said I wanted a Grand Slammich," Miller said.

"Where's our coffee?" Edmund asked.

"You never even finished ordering!" Spandam pointed out.

"Okay, okay, okay. I'll have some French toast, sausage, coffee, and horchata," Edmund said.

"Whore what out?" Spandam asked.

"Hor-Cha-Ta. Like that one Vampire Weekend song," Edmund pointed out.

"I don't know what Vampire Weekend OR horchata are. If you want those, go to whatever diner hipsters like to go to," Spandam said.

"Can I have some ice cream?" Aurelia asked.

"I'm putting you down for a Grand Slammich," Spandam explained.

"I don't want a Grand Slammich!" Aurelia cried.

"Can I have some onion rings?" Yukari asked.

"To go with your Grand Slammich? Sure," Spandam answered. Yukari facepalmed.

"I can have a hamburger instead of a Grand Slammich, right?" Aleksandar asked. Spandam laughed.

"No. Grand Slammich only," Spandam answered. Edmund got up.

"I am so done! Guys, we're leaving!" Edmund said before the Libras got up and walked out of Denny's.

"I'll make the meal free!" Spandam yelled after the hipsters.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the hipsters arrived at Red Lobster.<p>

"Okay, whose idea was it to go to Red Lobster?" Kazura asked everyone.

"Mine. I heard rumors Red Lobster was going to close," Mason said, raising his hand. Spandine, their waiter, approached the table.

"Welcome to Red Lobster! May I take your order?" Spandine asked the Libras.

"Can we get some Cheddar Bay biscuits to start?" Mason asked.

"I'm sorry, but we discontinued the Cheddar Bay biscuits last month," Spandine explained. He then ripped his face off, reveling that Spandam was wearing a Spandine mask. "However, I can make you some Grand Slammiches. They're very popular."

The Libras got up.

"We're leaving. Enjoy losing money," Kazura said before the Libras left.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras arrived at… McDonald's.<p>

"I hate whoever's idea was this," Stella-Rondo said.

"Not my idea," The rest of the Libras said.

* * *

><p>Eventually, our band of hipsters ended up at a hipster gastropub.<p>

"Finally!" Kazura yelled as Bullet, their waiter, approached the table.

"Why am I a table – I mean, waiter?" Bullet asked Maeve, who was off-screen.

"IDK. Tee-hee," Maeve said. Bullet turned to the Libras.

"Can I take your order?" Bullet asked.

"Sure, but, first, do you serve Grand Slammiches?" Kazura asked.

"Nope! This restaurant thinks that they're too mainstream. If I even make ONE Grand Slammich, I get sent to jail for the night and have to pay a $300 fine," Bullet explained.

"Good. We'll have one of everything, minus booze. Put it all on the tab of Heathcliffe Sarutobi," Kazura ordered.

"Why are you making dad run up a bill at this place?" Lien asked.

"Because I hate your dad," Kazura answered.

"I think everybody hates Lien's dad, all because his dad is Heathcliffe Sarutobi," Edmund said. Bullet then arrived and placed drinks onto the table.

"Well, cheers to making Heathcliffe Sarutobi pay for food he never ordered!" Edmund yelled, grabbing a glass of horchata.

"Cheers!"

The Libras then toasted their drinks.

* * *

><p>The next evening, the Abingdon siblings were in their apartment, watching Parks and Recreation.<p>

"Leslie Knope gets me," Amelia commented.

"Leslie Knope gets me even more. So does Tom Haverford, but that's another story," Edmund added.

"Are you saying that you're a womanizer like Tom Haverford?" Rhett asked.

"No, but he's one of Leslie's biggest supporters. They're partners in crime, you know?" Edmund explained. Kartik then entered the room, dressed in a formal suit.

"We're going to Soren and Teru's house for a party," Kartik announced. "The main party will be formal, but you and your friends are allowed to start one of those mad, hipster parties you always throw."

"On one condition – As long as the Capricorns don't ruin it," Edmund said. Kartik thought this over for five seconds.

"We have a deal," Kartik said, shaking his son's hand.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Abingdons arrived at Soren and Teru's mansion.<p>

"Welcome to our party, Kartik!" Soren said as the Abingdon family entered the mansion. As soon as they got in, the Capricorns – who were all in formal attire – shot dirty looks to the casually-dressed Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey.

"Seriously, guys. They aren't even coming to YOUR party. Knock it off."

Locke then came down the stairs. The Capricorns then shot death glares to the casually-dressed Locke.

"Guys, what did I just tell you?" Locke asked the Capricorns.

"Hey, Locke! We brought the horchata, the artisan pimiento cheese dip, bags of chips, cookies, and – your favorite – Cards Against Humanity. Is that good, or do we need to make a run to the store?!" Edmund asked.

"It's good! Everybody else promised to bring stuff! Aurelia and I even stole – I mean, contributed – plates, cups, and plastic cutlery from the kitchen! Just carry it up the stairs! There should be a large room at the landing of the stairs, so put the stuff there!" Locke yelled as the Libra Abingdons went up the stairs carrying food and drinks.

"Hey! We needed that stuff for OUR party!" Soren yelled.

"I needed it more! I'm ordering pizza, Yukari and Kazura are bringing Chinese food, and Mason just left to get us fried chicken! What do you guys have?! An eight-course meal! You need a full dining set for that!" Locke yelled. Soren just sighed.

"Go upstairs. Just… Go upstairs," Soren said. Locke went back upstairs and into the large, lounge at the landing, where the Libra Abingdons, Aurelia, Pearl, Lien, and Aleksandar were waiting.

"Dad is going to kill you for that, just saying," Aurelia pointed out. Locke just shrugged.

"I ain't even mad," Locke said as Miller, Nigel, Kipton, and Stella-Rondo came upstairs. "Oh, look, more people for our party."

"We just got judged HARD by the Capricorns," Miller said, setting a vintage turntable and a stack of records down.

"We're judging them back. Heaven forbid if they come crying to us if more hipsters come," Locke said.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later, the Sarutobis' formal party was in full swing. Upstairs, the Libras' party, which was more casual and hipster, was getting started.<p>

"Hey, guys, when are the pizzas coming?" Locke asked everyone.

"In about ten minutes," Edmund said, looking at his iPhone. "Don't get caught with a whack calzone."

"Don't do that. Just… Don't do that," Rhett said to his older brother.

"Hey! Nice party you've got going on here!"

A boy climbed up the stairs and walked over to the Libras' party.

"Are you the pizza guy?" Jin-Mao asked.

"Nope, I'm an old friend of the Sarutobis! The name's Basil Le'Ursa, and I just got back from attending Anime University!" Basil introduced himself.

"Baby brother!" Maeve yelled from somewhere in the crowd of hipsters.

"Maeve, what are you doing here?" Basil asked.

"Partying it up with some hipsters," Maeve explained before she grabbed some Bugles chips and put them on her fingers. "Look! I have Chinese finger daggers!"

"**Fact: The indie/alternative rock band Kasabian got their name from Manson Family follower Linda Kasabian**," Cube said.

"You seem plot relevant," Yukari commented.

"Duh," Basil answered. "I'm important later on. Right now, I came here for the girls."

"The girls downstairs or us hipster girls?" Amelia asked.

"Both. Girls are girls," Basil said. "Also, do any of you have an iPhone charger?"

Stella-Rondo pulled an iPhone charger out of her cleavage.

"Oh, yes, that's hot," Basil said as Stella-Rondo gave him the charger. She then slapped Basil across the face.

"My skirt has no pockets, jackass! That's why I have to put things like my iPhone, paintbrushes, small art supplies, and other things in my bra!" Stella-Rondo yelled. Basil then laid down on the ground.

"Ow, I think I'm, bleeding. Somebody take me to the emergency room," Basil moaned.

"You're not bleeding. We don't need to take you to a hospital," Kazura explained.

"That's what they want you to think, Kazura," Basil said.

"How do you know my name?" Kazura asked.

"I stalk you over Tumblr and Instagram," Basil said sarcastically. "Of course, I read the [pony box] script!"

"If you read the script, then do you know what happens after this scene?" Edmund asked. Basil got up.

"Spoilers," Basil said in the voice of River Song from Doctor Who. "Anyway, I have to go. I have to go plot how to take over Yukijima – I mean, draw my Sea Bear circles. I'll be back in about an hour."

Basil then left the party.

"He seems nice," Yukari commented. Stella-Rondo grabbed a baseball bat from Hammerspace.

"Until he brings up the patriarchy," Stella-Rondo said. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"I'm gonna go. I'm not plot relevant yet," Maeve said before she left the party.

"Drive safe!" Mason said, completely missing the point.

"Anyway, welcome to the hipster alternative to mom and dad's party," Locke said. "The rules are simple. One, if there are any drugs or sexual activity going on in this party, we will throw you out. Two, if you like the Capricorns and hate us, leave now and go downstairs to the other party. Three, bad music like Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande is a huge no-no. Don't piss us off and make us rant about good music. Four, if you are dressed to go to something rich and fancy, one of us will personally escort you downstairs. Five, no venturing down to the party downstairs unless you have a very good reason, or if it's an emergency. Six, do not mention 'sell out' artists. We refuse to follow the concept of indie artists who 'sell out', since we find it to be childish. Seven, get the fuck along. Eight, you are not allowed to set up a game of beer pong. Beer pong is too mainstream, and plus we have no beer, except maybe Pabst Blue Ribbon. Nine, if you have any food allergies, talk to me in a few moments and we'll figure something out. Lastly, have fun. God made parties for a reason, and they're supposed to be fun, not stiff and depraved like mom and dad's party."

"Oh, and if you fuck my artisan horchata up, I fuck you up. Can we start the party?" Edmund added.

"Let the party begin!" Locke announced.

* * *

><p>One hour later…<p>

"I'm Heathcliffe Sarutobi, and I'm going to shoot down everything you say so I feel better about myself, because I am an uptight [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep]! [Long censor bleep]! [Bleep] Edmund! [Long Censor Bleep], you old, horny slut!" Edmund said in a mocking tone of voice. Everyone grew silent.

"And now, the weather," Jin-Mao said in the voice of Cecil from Welcome to Night Vale.

* * *

><p>One hour later…<p>

"Illuminati symbol, heart, and upside-down house – Isn't that the title for The Neighborhood's album?" Jin-Mao asked Edmund, who facepalmed.

"Yes, Jin-Mao, _Illuminati Symbol, Heart, and Upside-Down House _is the actual for The Neighborhood's album _I Love You_, just like how _Cat Obscured by the Name of the Band _is the actual name for Two Door Cinema Club's album _Tourist History_," Edmund sarcastically explained.

"Or how _This is an Album by The Black Keys. The Name of This Album is Brothers _is the actual name for The Black Keys's _Brothers_," Rhett explained.

"I don't get what you're saying, and I refuse to respond to it, a la Lucille Bluth."

Edmund and Rhett turned back, and they saw Basil.

"Oh, hey, Basil. What's going on downstairs?" Edmund asked. Basil cleared his throat.

"_Everybody started having sex,_" Basil answered in the voice of Julian Casablancas, as heard in the Lonely Island song _Boombox_. The Libras grew silent.

"I'm not surprised. It is the Capricorns we're talking about," Edmund said. Everybody began to laugh very hard, even Maeve and Aldwin, who were sitting in a corner and doing absolutely nothing.

"I'm sorry that we're laughing," Ottawa said.

"I'm sorry that you decided to leave Canada," Aoi said. "Do you ever get homesick?"

"Not at all. I lived with the Aries, remember?" Ottawa asked.

"**Fact: Having sex can burn up to 300 calories,**" Cube said.

"Thank Mr. Mime! This is my only appearance in this Yukijima chapter!" Aldwin yelled.

"Well, with that, I think we need to take our party elsewhere," Locke said.

"How about my place? Mom and dad are downstairs, and it's obvious that they won't be back for a long time," Kazura suggested.

"Kazura's place it is!" Locke said.

"Don't forget that I live at Kazura's place, too! I'm his sister!" Yukari said as everybody but Aldwin and Maeve left the room.

"**Fact: Silent film actress Jean Harlow never wore panties,**" Cube said.

"Cube, please be quiet. Your fun facts are weirding me out," Aldwin requested.

"I'm on it," Maeve said before she opened a battery pack on the back of Cube and removed his batteries. Aldwin's jaw dropped.

"Did you just… Murder Cube?!" Aldwin cried.

"His batteries were dying, anyway. I'll put new ones in tomorrow morning," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>A few days later…<p>

"Then, I Reblogged Jin-Mao's Tumblr post and put the picture of the 'this kills the man' crash test dummy as my reaction," Mason explained as the Libras entered the Sarutobi mansion. A laugh track dubbed over the Libras' actual laughs.

"Why did we need a laugh track just now?" Edmund asked everybody. Another laugh track went off.

"When did this turn into Seinfeld?" Kazura asked everybody.

"When the whole plot about Amelia seeing and controlling ghosts took a back seat to us doing hipster things," Edmund sassed. Another laugh track went off.

"Speaking about the plot regarding Amelia controlling and seeing ghosts, I need to take her with me to the cemetery so she can learn how to utilize her power, which will not be used in the future, and, thus becoming a plot hole," Daruma explained.

"God, every time there's a plot hole in this fucking Yukijima story, a baby plot bunny is born," Aleksandar commented. Another laugh track went off.

"Amelia and I will be right back!" Daruma yelled.

"I never agreed to this!" Amelia said to Daruma.

"Your brother mentioned it in passing, then Alek mentioned plot bunnies," Daruma said as he escorted Amelia out of the mansion. As soon as Daruma and Amelia left, Maeve entered the main hall from the dining room, carrying a piece of coffee cake.

"What did Daruma say about plot bunnies?" Maeve asked. A final laugh track then played before a studio audience applauded.

"_Oxysertia D. Yuki-Rin's Parody of 'The Black Isle' by Sandi Tan is filmed in front of a live, studio audience. This program is sponsored by Subway restaurants, the iPad Air, Dangan Ronpa: The Animation, and the Grammy-nominated album 'Modern Vampires of the City' by Vampire Weekend. Promotional consideration provided by Anime University, the cast and crews of Parks and Recreation, Portlandia, and Supernatural, Basil's Random Shit he Couldn't Sell on Cragislist, and by Denny's. Because America's diner is always open_."

"Fuck Denny's!" Mason yelled.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, Daruma and Amelia arrived at the cemetery.<p>

"So, why are we here?" Amelia asked Daruma.

"I want to teach you how to use your spiritual powers for good," Daruma said.

"How do you know that I can see and control ghosts?" Amelia asked. Daruma shrugged.

"Because I read the script for this Yukijima story like everybody else," Daruma answered. Amelia didn't speak.

"I know what you are," Amelia said harshly. "You talk about ghosts, you want to help me use my spiritual powers for my own gain, and you haven't mentioned your favorite food, bacon, at all during this Yukijima story. Say it before I continue to reference _Twilight_."

"Say what?" Daruma asked.

"A ghost whisperer," Amelia whispered. Another laugh track went off.

"Oh, for the love of Ron Swanson!" Daruma yelled. "Wiffles, will you STOP using the laugh tracks?! This is not a sitcom!"

Wiffles ignored Daruma, because Wiffles is a flamethrower and, therefore, cannot speak.

"This isn't over, Wiffles," Daruma said, shaking his fist at the readers.

* * *

><p>When Daruma and Amelia got back to the Sarutobi mansion, they saw the rest of the Capricorns.<p>

"Oh, come on! You're seriously here?!" Daruma cried.

"Veggie platter?" Soren asked, holding a veggie platter up to Daruma.

"There will be no fu[banana bacon weave]king veggies," Daruma said before he knocked the veggie tray to the ground.

"What's going on? The Capricorns aren't wearing formal wear, and the rest of my friends are gone," Amelia asked Soren. "_God, I can't believe I asked Soren that. I never want to speak to him again._"

"While you were out, the Dragon Lady declared war on Yukijima," Soren said.

"Why did she start a war?" Amelia asked.

"Because she's jealous that Hancock and A.A.A. always get to be the villains of the Yukijima chapters," Soren explained. "Anyway, the Capricorns and I – under threat of becoming Hancock's prostitutes – are forming a resistance cell to take down the Dragon Lady and her people."

"Do you honestly think that's going to work? You're going to be prostituted anyway, so don't bother making the resistance cell," Daruma asked Soren.

"Get out of my house," Soren said bluntly. "You do not sass Soren Sarutobi in this house."

Daruma shrugged.

"I ain't even mad, bro," Daruma said before he turned to Amelia. "Come on, Amelia. Let's go look for everybody else."

* * *

><p>An hour later, Daruma and Amelia found the rest of the Libras hanging out at a hipster, pizza shop.<p>

"Where were you? We tried calling, like, three times," Rhett asked as Daruma and Amelia sat down.

"We were too busy sassing Soren Sarutobi," Daruma answered. Amelia then high-fived Daruma.

"Thank you for sassing my dad," Aurelia said.

"No, thank you for sassing a Sarutobi from the Capricorns. I'm impressed, Ami. You sassed Soren Sarutobi and got away with it," Edmund commented.

"Actually, he kicked us out of his house," Amelia said. "Which was wonderful, since all of the other Capricorns were there."

"Oh, really? What were they doing?" Locke said, grabbing a slice of pizza.

"You know that the Dragon Lady declared war on Yukijima, right? Well, the Capricorns are forming a resistance cell to stop her," Amelia explained. The Libras then began laughing very hard.

"Now, where have I heard THAT ONE before?!" Kazura yelled in-between laughs. The caption "read **One Piece: Parallel Generations**" then popped up onto the screen and disappeared after five seconds.

"Everywhere. It's been done before," Locke said in all seriousness.

"So, why are the Capricorns forming a resistance cell?" Stella-Rondo asked.

"Because Hancock threatened to prostitute them if they didn't," Amelia answered. The Libras laughed even harder.

"Yeah, that's totally been done before," Mason said in-between laughs.

"In the words of a famous philosopher named G.O.B. Bluth, 'they've made a huge mistake'," Edmund said. The Libras laughed.

"So, when the Dragon Lady gets to Yukijima, does anybody want to go to my family's beach house?" Locke asked.

"Yeah! It's in a private neighborhood, so the Dragon Lady either has to buy a parking pass that costs twenty-five bucks, or get arrested for trespassing!" Lien added.

"What's at the beach house?" Amelia asked.

"It'll protect us when Yukijima gets bombed. It'll be a great time – We'll eat lots of junk food, watch movies, play Cards Against Humanity… We can even collect seashells and take selfies on the beach," Locke said.

"Sounds like a plan! I'm totally in!" Amelia said.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Dragon Lady arrived at Yukijima and began to attack the city. The Libras then found themselves at the small, Sarutobi beach house.<p>

"What do you mean that your parents don't own a mansion at the beach, Locke?!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"I never said my parents owned a beachside mansion," Locke answered.

"Are you calling Locke a liar?" Nigel asked as he strummed his guitar. "Anyway, here's _Wonder Wall_."

"Oh, hell no!" Edmund yelled. "Nigel, you're better than that. Prove to me that you are better than that and play me some Tame Impala."

Nigel pouted and set his guitar against the wall.

"Anybody want to take beach selfies?" Mason asked.

"Mason, we're in the middle of a war. That's disrespectful," Edmund said. "Plus, it's foggy outside. Ain't nobody got time for that."

Mason sighed.

"Fine, let's watch _Submarine _for the billionth time and sing along to _Stuck on the Puzzle _and _Piledriver Waltz_. The Capricorns aren't having as much fun as us, because they're whores in a resistance cell," Mason explained.

"But, of course. Being a prostitute, being in a resistance cell, and being a prostitute in a resistance cell are all too mainstream," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>The next morning, the Dragon Lady's main attack on the city had ended, so the Libras were allowed to go back into Yukijima.<p>

"So… Now what do we do?" Lien asked, kicking a rock as he walked.

"Watch the Capricorns suck at their resistance cell so they eventually become Hancock's prostitutes," Edmund explained.

"I thought Hancock was the principal of the school Bridey and I attended," Amelia pointed out.

"You don't know that," Edmund said in all seriousness as they approached the Sarutobis' mansion. Outside the mansion, the Capricorns were handcuffed and being loaded into a police van.

"What in the name of –" Locke cried.

"The Dragon Lady found out about their resistance cell and had them arrested."

The Libras turned back, and they were now face-to-face with Trafalgar Law, the Hipster Supernova.

"Oh, hey, Law. What's up?" Locke said casually. In the distance, the Capricorns shot the Libras dirty looks.

"Come inside. I will explain everything shortly," Law said. With no hesitation, the Libras went inside the mansion and sat down. All of them were silent.

"This is wonderful. The Capricorns got caught," Kazura said out loud.

"I gave their resistance cell more time than that. I'm so glad they got caught sooner," Edmund said as Law re-entered the room.

"Why are you guys glad the Capricorns got caught?!" Law cried.

"We hate them," Miller answered.

"That's still rather rude of you, Miller-ya. They could die," Law said. Everyone grew silent.

"So… What are you doing with us?" Yukari asked.

"Well, as you know, the Dragon Lady caught wind of the Capricorns' resistance cell and had them arrested. They're on their way to her prison camp right now," Law explained. "In other words, you have to come with me for your own safety."

Edmund stood up.

"I… Uhh… _Walcott, don't you know that it's insane? Don't you want to get out of Cape Cod, out of Cape Cod tonight?_" Edmund sang before he hopped out of the nearest window. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Where are you taking us?" Amelia asked.

"Portlandia. It's exactly like Yukijima, but for hipsters," Law said.

"So, you're taking us to Hipster Disneyland?" Kazura asked.

"Yep. We leave in twenty," Law answered. The Libras cheered.

"I'm going to Hipster Disneyland!" Jin-Mao yelled.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Libras and Law arrived at Law's hipster mansion in Yukijima.<p>

"Okay, before you all claim rooms, I need to remind everybody of the rules. One, quinoa and juice cleanses are too mainstream. However, ramen burgers, cronuts, and siracha are still okay for hipster consumption. Two, if you feel the need to torch a Saab like a pile of leaves like the Vampire Weekend song _Diane Young_, come see me and I will give you a paper Saab to burn. Three, you will need my permission to use my Netflix or Hulu Plus accounts. I hope to God that you use your own Netflix and Hulu Plus accounts while you're here. Four, no leaving Portlandia without my permission until the war ends. Five, any person with a guitar is NOT allowed to play _Wonder Wall_ –" Law explained.

"I told you so," Edmund whispered to Nigel.

"…Lastly, if you do something mainstream and it's not ironic, I will send you back to Yukijima. Are there any questions?" Law asked the hipsters, who remained silent. "Okay, go claim your bedrooms."

Law's iPhone then rang. He then went upstairs and into his room to answer it.

"_Law, it's me, Yuki-Rin_."

"Yuki-ya, what's going on?" Law asked.

"_Well, the Dragon Lady had us taken to an abandoned warehouse that will serve as our prison. During the day, she is going to torture us at the warehouse, and, at night, we have to go to the brothel down the street to sell ourselves for the Dragon Lady's crew_."

Law grew silent.

"What?! What in the name of Alexander James Trimble do you mean by 'the Dragon Lady is torturing us and making us prostitutes'?!" Law yelled into his iPhone.

"_Well, we DID form the resistance movement, so… We're screwed._"

Law grew silent.

"Resistance movements of any sort are too mainstream. I am not helping you this time," Law said into the phone. Over the line, Yuki-Rin sighed.

"_Do it for Heathcliffe. We're all going to die if you don't -_"

Law then cut Yuki-Rin off.

"No," Law answered before he hung up. Music then drifted up to Law's room. "Did I leave my T.V. on?"

Law then went downstairs, where the Libras were having one of their hipster parties.

"Oh, great! They found my vintage turntable and all of my records!" Law cried. Everyone turned to Law.

"Hi. We're so happy that the Capricorns got arrested, so we decided to throw a party to celebrate," Locke said. Law then fainted.

"Dibs on his iPhone," Jin-Mao said after a moment of silence.

"I get his hoodie," Mason said.

"I'll take his hat," Aurelia said.

"If it's vintage, I'm getting his wallet. If not, we're selling it," Miller said.

"I'll take his hipster glasses," Kazura said.

* * *

><p>The next day, Law took the Libras to a feminist bookstore so they could learn about how to journal.<p>

"You're doing this wrong, and it's not cute," Perona, one of the owners of the feminist bookstore, said as she looked through Stella-Rondo's sketchbook. "What a journal should be is a document of misery."

Stella-Rondo glared at Perona.

"Just to let you know how I'm feeling, I'm this close to jumping up on these tables, kicking everything off, throwing pencils in the eyes of everybody here, slapping each other, then me grabbing Yukari's hand and slapping everybody's face," Stella-Rondo said to Perona. "I want to take these books and light them on fire."

Perona sweatdropped.

"Just leave, guys. I have to set up for my 'Porn Magazine Production 101' class in twenty minutes," Moria said.

* * *

><p>That night, Law and the Libras played Cards Against Humanity.<p>

"Excuse me?!" Law cried. "I'm about to freak out right now! I'm about two seconds away from jumping up onto this table and kicking everything in sight, which, by the way, is my own property."

The Libras sweatdropped.

"Okay, it's my turn to be the card master," Fernando said.

"Card Games on motorcycles!" Maeve yelled as she ran past Law's mansion.

* * *

><p>Two weeks of fun, wholesome, hipster activities later, Law was watching the evening news.<p>

"_…The Grand Slammich will be sold at booth #420 at the Yukijima Food and Wine Festival_."

Upon mention of the Grand Slammich, Law rolled his eyes like a teenaged girl.

"_We have breaking news. The war in Yukijima is over. Earlier today, the Dragon Lady was taken into custody after calling 911 when a local Subway sandwich restaurant forgot to put pickles in her sandwich. We will bring you more details when they become available_."

Law began to laugh very hard.

"Did somebody say that the war was over?"

The Libras entered the room.

"Yes, the war ended today. I'm going to take you back to Yukijima tomorrow," Law explained. The Libras groaned.

"We were having so much fun in Portlandia!" Edmund cried.

"Well, you need to go back to Yukijima because the plot said so," Law said. "Now, go pack your bags. Just don't steal any of my stuff, capiche?"

With sad sighs, the Libras left the room to go pack.

* * *

><p>The next afternoon, the Libras arrived in Yukijima, where people were already rebuilding and celebrating the war's end.<p>

"You know what I've been thinking about?" Locke asked as the Libras sat in the Sarutobi mansion. "I want to move out of this mansion. To this day, I can still hear Julian Casablancas sing the phrase 'everybody started to have sex'."

"Locke's right. I want to move. I'm sick of walking in on mom and dad having sex on the kitchen counter," Aurelia added. The Libras shuddered.

"You know what? Let's spend a few days at my beach house and think it over. At least my beach house is more obscure than this dump," Locke suggested.

* * *

><p>That night, at the Sarutobi beach house…<p>

"If I may, can I say a speech?" Edmund asked.

"Go nuts. There's nobody stopping you," Kazura said. Edmund cleared his throat.

"My friends, family, we survived a war. We survived, because lived like it was Portlandia – We used the word 'cacao' as a safe word when our rounds of Cards Against Humanity got too intense, we waited in line to have brunch at a new restaurant, and we even put birds on things. We were the Freds, the Carries, the Peters, the Nances, the Ninas, the Lances, the Bryces, the Lisas, the Daves, the Kathys, the Spykes, the Irises, the Mayors of Portland, and even the Tonis and the Candaces at Women and Women First Feminist Bookstore. Our entire war story was like an entire episode of Portlandia. I wouldn't have it any other way, because the Capricorns' resistance cell story is too mainstream," Edmund said to the Libras.

"Winner winner chicken dinner!" Mason said in agreement.

"Fuck yeah!" Lien yelled.

"And, you know what?!" Edmund continued. "Fuck the Capricorns and fuck their resistance movement! They got what they deserved by getting arrested and sent away to one of the Dragon Lady's brothels! Karma is a harsh mistress, and I hope the Capricorns learned that the hard way during their time at the Dragon Lady's brothel!"

The Libras cheered loudly. Then, the power went out.

"So… Anybody up for a round of – you guessed it – Cards Against Humanity?" Rhett asked everyone. Then, a dim light flickered on, revealing a woman named Mary Winchester, who was stuck on the ceiling. Everybody screamed.

"What the hell?!" Edmund cried. Jin-Mao tore off his clothes, revealing a Castiel costume underneath.

"Grab the fucking salt!" Jin-Mao yelled, running for the kitchen. However, Fernando grabbed him.

"No! We need the salt for cooking, not for exorcising the demons Amelia keeps seeing!" Fernando yelled above the chaos. Then, the ceiling and Mary Winchester caught fire.

"Bridey, grab your twin siblings and run! Don't look back!" Edmund yelled as he hopped out of the nearest window.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras stood outside of the burning beach house, waiting for the fire department.<p>

"Fernando, if you would've just given me the salt, none of this would've happened," Jin-Mao – who was still in his Castiel costume – ranted to the teenaged, Mexican boy.

"That's not how you use salt. You don't just throw salt all over to stop blonde women from being stuck on burning ceilings," Fernando explained.

"You don't watch Supernatural, Fernando. You wouldn't know," Jin-Mao said darkly.

"I haven't been able to. You know, with the whole thing about Amelia seeing ghosts and whatnot," Fernando explained. Jin-Mao then grabbed Fernando by the front of his shirt and lifted him up.

"Fernando Aguilar, I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition! This is the thanks I get, huh?!" Jin-Mao yelled. A few feet away…

"Edmund, what's wrong?" Amelia asked her older brother, who was standing very still.

"I've made a huge mistake," Edmund said before he fainted.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras found apartments in a hipster neighborhood of Yukijima. Coincidentally, this apartment complex was down the street from the second apartment Edmund and his siblings lived in.<p>

"Okay, I think it's clear that we need to make an IKEA run. This décor is not going to cut it," Edmund said, motioning to the living room. Inside the living room, there was a zebra-print couch with a leopard-print throw draped over it, a bear skin rug, a disco ball on the ceiling, a pink, inflatable chair in the design of a hand, a Spongebob television, a painting of Nyan Cat on the walls, a gigantic stop sign on the door, a Motel 6 sign on the walls, a potted cactus, balloons, and a blow-up doll sitting forlornly in the corner. "However, I do think Alexa Chung would be proud of the leopard-print blanket."

"No. Just no. Who was on crack when they designed this apartment?" Rhett commented.

"How come we get the ugly apartment furniture?" Bridey asked.

"I think somebody died here, but I don't see a ghost," Amelia commented. A knock at the door was heard.

"I'll get it," Edmund said, walking over to the door. He answered it to Law. "Oh, hello, Law. What brings you to the very un-hipster Yukijima?"

Law sighed.

"I have some unfortunate news," Law said. "Today, I have discovered that the Dragon Lady murdered the Capricorns at the end of the war after several dark days of torture."

The two grew silent.

"What should we do?" Edmund asked.

"There's nothing we can do. We can't even go to Kyuubey-ya and wish for the Capricorns to be back, since that would mean risking our lives as Magical Girls," Law said. "I'll see you at the funeral tomorrow."

Law then left the apartment. Edmund turned back to his siblings.

"What happened?" Rhett asked after a moment of silence.

"The Capricorns have died during the war," Edmund said darkly. "We have to tell everybody."

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the rest of the Libras gathered in the Abingdon apartment.<p>

"You wanted to see all of us?" Kazura asked. Edmund sighed.

"I have some sad news," Edmund said. "Law came to our apartment today, and he told me about the Capricorns… The Dragon Lady tortured and killed them at the end of the war. The Capricorns' funeral is tomorrow."

Everyone grew silent. Then, the Libras cheered.

"I'm dreaming! I must be dreaming!" Aurelia cried as she hugged Amelia.

"It's over! It's all over!" Amelia yelled.

"I am going to buy everybody in this room a bag of rice!" Fernando announced. Mason grabbed Stella-Rondo's hand.

"Stella-Rondo and I are getting fake married!" Mason announced. Everyone cheered as they lifted Edmund up and threw him up and down.

"_For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny!_" The Libras sang as they threw Edmund up and down.

"Edmund Abingdon is the savior of the waking world for announcing the deaths of the Capricorn Pirates!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"Long live Edmund Abingdon!" Lien yelled. Kipton pulled out a box of firecrackers from Hammerspace.

"I have firecrackers I got from dubious means!" Kipton yelled. Outside, Law was walking out of the apartment complex, when he saw fireworks in the sky above.

"What in the name of Andrew Vanwyngarten?" Law asked as he looked up, where he saw Nigel and Kipton standing on a balcony and lighting fireworks and firecrackers. "They're seriously celebrating the fact that the Capricorns died? I did not raise these people right."

* * *

><p>Back in the Abingdon apartment, the Libras were still in a celebratory mood.<p>

"We need to throw a party. This is cause for a celebration," Edmund said.

"Yeah! Let's throw it tomorrow night after the Capricorns' funeral, which we're not attending, BTW!" Kazura said. Edmund sighed a happy sigh.

"This is seriously the best day of my life," Edmund commented.

"Mine, too," The rest of the Libras said.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Abingdon siblings were at Target, picking up food for their "The Capricorns are Dead" party.<p>

"This party is going to be off the hook!" Edmund yelled as he picked up several bags of Oreos and put them into the cart.

"Oreos? Candy necklaces you only see at raves? Artisan horchata? This is going to be a wild party," Rhett commented.

"Hey! What are you guys doing here?"

Basil approached the four.

"Grocery shopping. What does it look like, nerd?" Edmund asked.

"Aren't you going to the Capricorns' funeral?" Basil asked.

"No. Everybody got food poisoning, so we can't go. Good-bye!" Edmund lied before he and his siblings ran off. Basil sweatdropped.

"I ain't calling them liars, but I ain't calling them truth-ers either," Basil observed. "Not sure what to think of these new developments."

* * *

><p>That night, the Libras' "The Capricorns are Dead" party was in full swing, complete with food, drinks, indie music playing on a vintage turntable, and Cards Against Humanity.<p>

"I would like to say something," Kazura said.

"The floor is yours," Edmund said. Kazura cleared his throat.

"I am so fucking glad the Capricorns are gone! No more mom to annoy us, no more dad forcing me to be manly, no more Mikuri forcing me to be manly, no more Wolfgang being arrogant and greedy, no more Enlai cursing us out in Cantonese for no reason, no more Ageha going bipolar on us, no more of Aki being annoyingly shallow, and, best of all, no more Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren Sarutobi!" Kazura yelled. The Libras cheered. "So, let us toast that the Capricorns died! They can all burn in Hell!"

The Libras then cheered and toasted their drinks. Then, the power went out.

"Uhh… Déjà vu?" Edmund said out loud. The lights then came back on, revealing that, once again, Mary Winchester from Supernatural was stuck on the ceiling. The Libras screamed.

"Not again! Not again!" Jin-Mao yelled before he ran off. He returned five seconds later, dressed as Castiel and carrying a container filled with salt. "Everybody, get into the fucking Impala!"

Fernando then took the container of salt from Jin-Mao.

"You have just lost your salt privileges for a week," Fernando said. Jin-Mao then got into the fetal position.

"_Carry on, my wayward son! There'll be peace when you get home! Lay your weary head to rest! Don't you cry no more!_" Jin-Mao sang. Everyone but Daiyu sweatdropped.

"Maybe I should start watching Supernatural…" Fernando said under his breath.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras stood outside of the apartment complex, watching firefighters put out the fire in the Abingdons' apartment.<p>

"I heard about what happened, so I came to check up on you."

Basil approached the Libras.

"It's okay. Just one of our apartments burned down," Edmund said. Basil said nothing as he pulled out an envelope.

"Here. Treat yo' self, as they say in Parks and Recreation. Basil out," Basil said before he walked away. Edmund opened the envelope, revealing several tickets.

"The Portlandia-Yukijima Hipster Music Festival?! No way!" Edmund yelled.

"He's sending us to a music festival! I knew Basil thought we were cool!" Kazura yelled. Miller then ran down the street and caught up with Basil.

"Bless your beautiful hide." Was all Miller was to Maeve's baby brother. Basil sweatdropped.

"Okay? Thanks, man," Basil said. Miller then ran back to the Libras.

"Pack your bags. We leave tomorrow for this thing," Edmund said to the Libras.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras arrived at the Portlandia-Yukijima Hipster Music Festival.<p>

"Aww… Look, guys, protestors. Aren't they adorable?" Edmund said, pointing to the Geminis. All of them carried signs that said "Arcade Fire sold out, so they shouldn't be here" (Greta), "No, Lana, I won't be on your quiz bowl team" (Fallon), "Why is Linus a pimp?" (Yue), "Ito ang aking pagtutol sa pag-sign" (Arvin), "I don't know who Maven Crowley is" (Pomponia), and "Will work for strippers" (Linus). (3)

"No music festival is complete without protestors protesting outside of the festival," Yukari commented.

"Silly Greta, Arcade Fire didn't sell out," Kazura said as they approached a very hipster-looking motel.

"What makes you think Arcade Fire sold out?" Edmund asked as they entered the lobby of the motel.

"_If your wife is looking bent because your car has a dent, call McDowell's. Call McDowell's_," Makino, the woman at the desk, sang.

"We're here for the festival," Edmund said. Makino and the other person at the front desk, Shanks, began handing Edmund various things, including a typewriter, a portable record player, a coffee percolator, and room keys.

"We have some records available for rent – Bombay Bicycle Club, Mikky Ekko, Iron and Wine, The Strokes… All of these artists, I've never even heard of until right now," Shanks explained as he handed records off to Edmund.

"Cookies?" Makino asked, motioning to a plate of cookies. Edmund grabbed the entire plate.

"Several friends are with me," Edmund said. Shanks and Makino sweatdropped.

"Just… Feel your room out, you know?" Makino said as the hipsters left the lobby.

"Next!" Shanks yelled. A band consisting of Law, Bonney, and Sabo then entered the lobby. The two clerks and the three members of the hipster band grew silent.

"The Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals, right?" Shanks asked. "Sabo, I think you know a friend of mine."

"We're actually really tired," Bonney said.

"Well, your room's not ready," Makino said.

"Do you know when it will be ready?" Law asked. Three hours later…

"Why are our rooms still not ready?" Law asked his band mates, not looking up from his phone.

"We have to sound check in thirty minutes," Bonney said.

"Sssssss….. Sucks, not having a room."

The members of The Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals turned around, and they saw Shanks and Makino.

"I know, right? Nobody's offered us food or drinks, our rooms aren't ready –" Bonney said before Makino cut her off.

"The Man is running this place, just like how The Man is running Yukijima!" Makino yelled before she and Shanks picked up random objects and began throwing them around, destroying them, and kicking them.

"That's illegal! That's illegal!" Sabo yelled before he ran out of the lobby with Bonney and Law.

"Hey! What are you doing?!"

Hawkins then skateboarded into the room. He now wore ironic, hipster glasses, a hipster, v-neck T-shirt, suspenders, skinny jeans, and vintage sneakers.

"You're fired!" Hawkins yelled.

"What?!" Makino cried.

"You're fired!" Hawkins repeated. Law poked his head into the lobby for five seconds and then left.

"Hey, Hawkins, can we still hang out together?" Shanks asked.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, the Libras were walking back to the hotel after an evening viewing hipster, music acts.<p>

"I can't believe The Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals was a half-hour late! That was a half-hour of my time wasted!" Edmund ranted.

"I can't believe Law is a member of The Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals," Jin-Mao remarked.

"Hey, can you help us out a bit? Before you ask, we're the people who checked you into the motel earlier."

Shanks and Makino approached the Libras.

"Hey, there," Kazura said. "What can we help you with?"

"We just got fired from our jobs for speaking out against 'The Man'. I mean, this is a hipster, music festival. It's okay to speak out against The Man at a hipster event," Makino explained.

"Does anybody know a few, good pranks we can pull?" Shanks asked.

"Rick Roll somebody. It always works," Jin-Mao said.

"That's too mainstream!" Edmund argued.

"I can control ghosts. I can get some of these ghosts to haunt your boss," Amelia said.

"Finally, you call upon ghosts! Praise Jesus!" Daruma yelled. Shanks and Makino sweatdropped.

"Okay. Work your magic, Ghost Girl," Makino said.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later, Amelia's attempts to summon ghosts to scare Hawkins ended with several farm animals getting loose, an Occupy: Yukijima rally, a bar brawl, an impromptu screening of the movie <em>City of Life and Death<em>, a gaming tournament, several Libras ending up in the hospital with food poisoning, and Shanks and Makino's motel going up in flames.

"Uhh… Oops," Amelia said, watching the motel burn.

"No hard feelings. At least Makino and I are going to go work at the Holiday Inn Express down the street. We'll let you guys stay there on us," Shanks answered.

* * *

><p>Two nights later, the Libras returned to Yukijima after the Portlandia-Yukijima Hipster Music Festival ended.<p>

"Amelia, I've got great news!" Basil yelled as the Libras entered their apartment complex.

"Go ahead," Amelia said.

"I've just been elected Mayor of Yukijima! We had the election tonight, and I won!" Basil yelled.

"Basil, that's awesome!" Amelia yelled. "But, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

Basil sweatdropped.

"Oh, yeah, you went to a music festival," Basil said. "Anyway, I have a favor to ask all of you – I need a committee. I need people to be the Mark Brandanowicz, Tom Haverford, Ben Wyatt, Chris Traegar, Ron Swanson, April Ludgate, Donna Meagle, Jerry Gergich, Dave Sanderson, Anne Perkins, and Andy Dwyer to my Leslie Knope. Are you willing to be on my committee with the other people I asked for?"

"I don't see why not. This sounds like fun," Amelia said. "_Or not, since this is Maeve's brother I'm talking about._"

"Perfect! Our first committee meeting is tomorrow!" Basil said. "By the way, I'm big on Parks and Recreation. That is not a shameless plug of the NBC show of the same name."

* * *

><p>The next day, at the government office of Yukijima, Basil and his committee began their first meeting.<p>

"Welcome, everybody, to the first meeting of the Pawnee, Indiana, Mock Parks and Recreation department meeting," Basil announced. He was now wearing a T-shirt that said "Leslie Knope is my spirit animal". "Hi, I'm Basil, and I play Leslie Knope."

"I'm Amelia, and I play Mark Brandanowicz. Why?"

"I'm Locke, and I play the best character in the series, Tom Haverford."

"I'm Yukari, and this is my younger brother, Kazura. We play Ben Wyatt and Chris Traegar."

"I'm Daruma, and I play Ron Swanson. Now, give me all of the bacon and eggs you have before I cut a bitch."

"I'm Stella-Rondo, and I play April Ludgate, and I don't really care."

"I'm Marlene, and I play Donna Meagle."

"I'm Nigel, and I play Jerry Gergich."

"I'm Mason, and I play Dave Sanderson, who is a cop who doesn't even work for the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department."

"I'm Opal, and I play Anne Perkins."

"Hi, I'm Miller, and I play Andy Dwyer, all because I share the last name of the guy who plays Andy, Chris Pratt."

"Perfect!" Basil said, clapping his hands. "Now, let's start the montage!"

Then, a montage set to the theme song from Parks and Recreation began. It consisted of Basil dancing around his office and handing out flyers that said "Vote Leslie Knope", Amelia teaching Basil how to "treat yo' self", Locke winking and doing the finger pistol motions to somebody, Yukari and Kazura inspecting a playground by sliding down the slide and swinging on the swings, Daruma holding his crossbow to somebody's neck because they didn't give him bacon and eggs, Stella-Rondo idly drawing something during a meeting, Marlene browsing Facebook during work, Nigel rolling his eyes as Basil rants about something, Mason eating donuts, and Opal and Miller watching Parks and Recreation.

"Okay, montage over," Basil said as the scene cut back to the meeting. "As my first duty of mayor of Yukijima, I would like to build a park at an abandoned pit in a residential neighborhood. It was going to be a construction project, but I don't know what happened to the people running it. I think they died during the war. Anyway, because of this pit, somebody fell in and broke both of their legs."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at a nearby hospital…<p>

"I've made a huge mistake," Aldwin said. Both of his legs were in casts.

"Note to self – We are moving away from Yukijima and that fucking pit," Anton said to himself.

* * *

><p>That evening, the Libras were about to leave the government offices.<p>

"Amelia, before you go, there's something I should tell you," Basil said. "You should put your ghost-controlling to the test. The pit I want to build my park is partially a mass grave for people who died in the war. On your way home, I want you to check it out."

"I still don't understand why I can see ghosts and –" Amelia said before Basil handed her several, hundred-dollar bills.

"I'm making it rain. Do more ghost hunting jobs like these, and I will make it rain every day," Basil explained.

"Uhh… Okay," Amelia said.

* * *

><p>On their way home, the Libras stopped at the pit Basil was talking about.<p>

"I don't see what's so special about this pit," Mason commented. "All I see is a vegetable garden with weird names for vegetables – Diddies, Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, Ludacrises…"

"It's a mass grave for people who died in the war," Kazura whispered. Mason grew silent.

"Yeah, I don't think you would want to build a park over a mass grave. It's fifty shades of disrespect," Mason commented.

"Mason, what have we told you about _Fifty Shades of Grey_?" Edmund asked.

"All of you, shut up! You hipsters are so fucking loud!"

The Libras looked up, and they saw the ghosts of the Capricorns. Then, the Libras screamed.

"Damn it! Why did I leave the apartment this morning without salt?!" Jin-Mao cried.

"Because I stole all of your salt. You're almost out, so you need to buy more salt," Fernando explained. Amelia cleared her throat.

"All of you, get lost! We're trying to build a park here, so go somewhere else! I don't care that the Dragon Lady dumped your bodies here after she murdered you, you need to go somewhere else!" Amelia yelled. The Capricorns grew silent.

"Come on, guys. Let's go haunt Hancock's nightclub-slash-brothel," Kartik said before the ghosts floated off. Kartik then floated back. "Oh, Amelia, tell your siblings that I love them."

"Will do," Amelia said before Kartik floated off. Amelia then approached the other Libras, who were standing off to the side. "Okay, they're gone."

"I'm in shock. Look, I've got a blanket," Edmund said, motioning to the shock blanket covering him. Amelia sweatdropped.

"The ghost of dad told me that he still loves us," Amelia said.

"After all of this time?" Rhett ask.

"Always," Amelia answered. The Abingdons grew silent.

"Did you seriously just –" Edmund cried before Kazura cut him off.

"Are we going to ignore the fact that those were the ghosts of the Capricorns?" Kazura asked.

"Edmund, I didn't see your mother among the ghosts," Miller said.

"That's because she's in the Goa Kingdom. She never went with us to Yukijima, so, therefore, she escaped the war and lived," Edmund explained. "Come to think of it, I want to get the fuck out of Yukijima and visit my mother."

"Also, where's Yuki-Rin? I didn't see her in the crowd of ghosts," Jin-Mao asked.

"Being that she led the resistance, the Dragon Lady most likely made Yuki-Rin watch her friends get tortured to death by the Dragon Lady, and then got the worst tortures before the Dragon Lady killed her horrifically and dumped her body into the ocean," Mason explained. Everybody sweatdropped.

"Mason, you are so cheery," Stella-Rondo said sarcastically.

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

Up in Heaven…

"Hey, there, Daisuke. Would you like me to sing you the Walrus Song?" Wolfgang asked.

"Of course! That's my favorite song!" Daisuke, who was now a walrus with green hair, said. Wolfgang then pulled a guitar out of Hammerspace.

"Okay, here it goes!" Wolfgang said before he strummed the guitar. "_You're my little walrus._"

"_With a great, big bow!_" Daisuke sang.

"_You're my little walrus,_" Wolfgang sang.

"_With a great, big smile!_" Daisuke sang.

"_With a great, big smile on your walrus face!_" Wolfgang sang. "_As we sit by the pool and dream of stars and the future, we will sing –_"

"- _We will sing –_" Daisuke sang.

"_This happy, walrus song_," Wolfgang sang before he leaned toward Daisuke. "I've been feeding you walrus meat every morning. That glob of bacon I feed you every morning is walrus meat. You're a cannibal."

"What the hell?!" Daisuke cried. A few feet away…

"I don't get why and how Daisuke became a walrus," Aoi commented.

"I have been watching too much anime…" Maeve commented before she walked away.

"You're going to Walrus Hell, cannibal!" Wolfgang yelled to Daisuke the Walrus.

"No!" Daisuke sobbed.

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>A few days later…<p>

"…And that is why the Neutral Milk Hotel is my boo's favorite place to smush," Basil explained, finishing up a long rant. "In other news, I'm taking Friday off. I'm visiting the Dragon Lady in prison before they execute her. Amelia is going to take over while I'm gone, so… Be good, don't do anything stupid, and have fun. See you Monday!"

Basil then left the meeting room.

"Why would Basil need the entire day off to visit somebody in jail?" Kazura asked.

"Because the Dragon Lady is a war criminal," Edmund said. "However, I still don't know what Basil did during the war."

"Maybe he helped the Dragon Lady torture the Capricorns," Lien suggested.

"That's probably what happened," Mason said. Edmund sighed.

"Oh, God. We're working for a war criminal," Edmund said to himself.

* * *

><p>On Friday afternoon, Amelia was walking home with groceries.<p>

"For Christmas, I should really buy Edmund a two-year supply of horchata. He drinks that thing in five seconds flat," Amelia said to herself.

"I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride!"

Amelia turned, and she saw a wedding procession. The bride and groom? Basil and…

"Yuki-Rin?!" Amelia cried. "I thought she died! No way! Why the hell is she alive?!"

Amelia ran off, right when Yuki-Rin and Basil turned their heads toward Amelia's direction.

"That's Amelia, one of the girls who works in my cabinet. She plays Mark Brandanowicz," Basil explained to his husband.

"Okay… You have a very weird cabinet," Yuki-Rin said to her wife.

"**Fact: Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond Jr. converted to Judaism so band mate Nick Valensi wouldn't be the only Jewish member of The Strokes**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Amelia arrived at her apartment.<p>

"…But, the live version of _Howlin' For You _is SO sick. I mean, you have to play that –" Edmund explained to Miller and Locke before Amelia cut him off.

"Edmund, get everybody NOW," Amelia said. A few minutes later, the rest of the Libras were gathered in the Abingdon apartment.

"Yuki-Rin is ALIVE?! Fuck no!" All of the Libras shouted.

"Screw it! I'm not coming into work Monday!" Mason yelled. "You know what? Fuck it! I'm quitting my job! That's even better!"

"I'm joining you," Aleksandar said.

"If Aleksandar and Mason quit, I quit!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

"If Stella-Rondo goes, I go!" Yukari yelled.

"I'm going with my sister!" Kazura yelled.

"I'll be joining Kazura!" Miller said.

"Me too!" Edmund yelled in agreement.

* * *

><p>By Monday, all of the Libras but Amelia quit their jobs. Since they were the only two who came to work, Basil and Amelia went to Denny's after work.<p>

"Just give me all of the bacon and eggs you have," Basil said to Shen, the waiter. As Shen began to walk away, Basil stopped him. "Wait, wait – What you just heard was 'give me a lot of bacon and eggs'. What I said was 'give me ALL the bacon and eggs you have'. Do you understand?"

Shen nodded.

"Bitch," Shen said under his breath as he walked away.

"So, Amelia, why did all of your friends quit?" Basil asked.

"We heard about your… Visit with the Dragon Lady. We do not approve of you… Siding with the Capricorns, yeah," Amelia lied. "Plus, there's the fact that you may or may not be abusing your power."

"What the [Ajax is not my son] do you mean by 'I may or may not be abusing my power'?!" Basil yelled.

"Well… You want to build a playground over a mass grave for people who died during the war, you want to honor the Capricorns for doing absolutely nothing during the war, you want to tear down several, historical buildings and replace them with strip clubs and brothels, you've banned the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival for the next five years citing 'safety concerns', you are putting a hefty import tax on stuff from outside of Yukijima, you want to ban The Black Keys because you 'get pissed off whenever you see a picture of Dan Auerbach', you're possibly working with dangerous people, and you've slept with prostitutes, did drugs, drank on the job, and jaywalked," Amelia explained.

"Amelia, I have a permit," Basil said, pulling a folded-up piece of paper from out of his pocket. Amelia unfolded the paper and read it over.

"This just says 'I do what I want'. This government permit isn't even official," Amelia pointed out. Basil grew silent.

"I think you need a vacation," Basil said. "Word on the street is that you haven't seen your mother in weeks. I've bought you a boat ticket that will take you to Goa Kingdom so you can see your mother. No, this money wasn't from a prostitute, drug dealer, my favorite bartender, a shady guy in the government, or mainstream people who hate hipsters."

Amelia sighed as Basil slid a boat ticket in her direction.

"I'll be back in a few days. Treat yo' self," Amelia said before she got up and left. A few minutes later, Shen approached the table with a salad.

"There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food my food eats," Basil said.

"Your bacon and eggs aren't ready yet," Shen told Basil, who knocked the bowl of salad to the floor.

"There will be no fu[Ajax is not my son]king vegetables!" Basil yelled.

* * *

><p>A few days later, the Abingdon siblings were in Goa Kingdom. They decided to use their time there to tell Matsu about everything that has happened in this story so far.<p>

"Wait… So, all of the Capricorns but Yuki-Rin and I were tortured, whored out, and murdered, Amelia can see ghosts, Basil Le'Ursa is the mayor of Yukijima, and Amelia accidentally burned down a hotel?" Matsu asked.

"Yeah. I can't believe this happened over a few weeks," Amelia said.

"On a scale of one to ten, with one being 'The Black Keys' and ten being 'The Decemberists', how would you rank how crazy and over-the-top our adventures in Yukijima have been?" Rhett asked his mother.

"An eight or a nine," Matsu answered.

"That puts it between Vampire Weekend and Xiu Xiu in terms of how over-the-top our adventures have been," Edmund explained.

"How is Xiu Xiu even dramatic?" Rhett asked Edmund.

"_Bishop, California_. Do you want me to sing the entire song in front of mom so she knows how crazy the last few weeks have been?" Edmund asked Rhett.

"Because of how depressing the song is and because of how the lead singer of Xiu Xiu sounds like Kip from _Napoleon Dynamite_, I am going to pass on that one," Rhett answered. Matsu sweatdropped. (4)

"Sometimes, I don't get what you kids are talking about," Matsu whispered to Amelia and Bridey.

"We're hipsters. It happens," Amelia said.

* * *

><p>A few nights later, the Abingdon siblings returned to Yukijima.<p>

"I don't want to be back at this God-forsaken place," Edmund said, curling up on the couch.

"You'll want to leave even more when I tell you that Basil cancelled the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival for the next five years due to 'safety concerns'," Amelia said. Edmund grew silent.

"Rhett, go put a Decemberists album on the record player. Amelia, go down to the store and buy me some coffee cake. Bridey, make me a cup of tea," Edmund weakly requested.

"Which album?" Rhett asked.

"_Picaresque_," Edmund answered.

"I'll be back in a few with Edmund's coffee cake!" Amelia yelled as she left the apartment. As soon as she stepped into the hall, she saw Yukari, Kazura, the Sarutobis, Miller, and Stella-Rondo putting their things out into the hallway. "Guys, what's going on?"

"Back so soon from Goa Kingdom?" Yukari asked.

"Anyway, we're all leaving Yukijima tomorrow morning. I am done with living here, and I hope your mom will let us crash at her place in Goa Kingdom," Kazura explained.

"Of course, she will. Just let me tell my brothers and sister," Amelia said before she went back into her own apartment.

"Back already?" Rhett asked.

"I just talked to Yukari and Kazura. We're all leaving Yukijma for Goa Kingdom tomorrow. Pack your bags," Amelia explained. Edmund then jumped up onto the couch a la Tom Cruise.

"Fuck yeah! We're going home!" Edmund yelled. Amelia's iPhone then rang.

"Hello?" Amelia asked. "No, Basil, we're in the middle of packing. We're leaving Yukijima tomorrow. No, I can't do one more ghost hunting mission, let alone at your mansion! Our ship leaves tomorrow, Basil! If I do the damn job, will you shut the hell up and sever all ties with me?!"

Amelia then hung up.

"We have a quick detour to make. Get everyone," Amelia said weakly.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras were approaching the Sarutobi mansion, which was now Basil's mansion.<p>

"Locke, Aurelia, didn't your parents live here?" Jin-Mao asked. He was now wearing his Castiel costume.

"Yes, but now, obviously, Basil and Yuki-Rin own it," Locke answered as he opened the gate.

"Hey, Jin-Mao…" Fernando said as he pulled out a cylindrical container of salt. "Merry not-Christmas. Have some salt, for old times' sake."

Jin-Mao then hugged the container of salt.

"I love you in a non-romantic way, Fernando. We've got this," Jin-Mao said as Amelia knocked on the door. Yuki-Rin and Basil answered.

"Glad you could come, Amelia. Now, can you wait near the fountain? We'll give you the sig –" Basil said before Amelia kicked him in the balls.

"Dishonor on you, dishonor on your family, DISHONOR ON YOUR COW!" Amelia yelled before she threw Basil to the side. Yuki-Rin then drew her katana out. The Libras then backed up to the fountain, with Yuki-Rin approaching them.

"Oh, no, you didn't!" Yuki-Rin yelled.

"Don't bother singing the song when all of your crew is dead!" Edmund yelled. "Well, except for mother. But, I love my mother, and that's a story best saved for Mother's Day."

Yuki-Rin said nothing as she snapped her fingers.

"Yeah. Fucking. Right," Yuki-Rin said. Then, the mansion caught on fire, and the ghosts of the Capricorns appeared.

"Son, why did you leave me to die? I thought you loved me, Edmund!" Ghost!Kartik yelled. Edmund rolled his eyes.

"Did you really just set your own mansion on fire?" Edmund asked Yuki-Rin.

"In the name of revenge, yes," Yuki-Rin said. "You could've saved my nakama."

Jin-Mao threw a pinch of salt, toward the Capricorn ghosts.

"We hate you, and we were too busy having fun up in Portlandia," Kazura explained. Ghost!Heathcliffe glared at them.

"I slept with dozens of people every day and every night before I was brutally tortured and murdered, and this is the legacy I get? A bunch of arrogant hipsters? Fuck you," Ghost!Heathcliffe said. At that moment, Jin-Mao's expression darkened.

"Jin-Mao, fight the fairies!" Daiyu yelled.

"Heathcliffe Sarutobi, I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," Jin-Mao said darkly. At that moment, Castiel's wings sprouted out from Jin-Mao's back. "There was a reason you died so young, and we're going to remind you why…"

* * *

><p>The scene then cut to Nami, who was, of course, telling the story to Cavendish.<p>

"…After that, everybody began to fight. However, the Libras had an advantage – Salt. After some time, Jin-Mao was able to distract the ghosts, and he took the time to pour salt everywhere, eradicating the ghosts of the Capricorns. With Yuki-Rin and Basil defeated and ruined, the Libras were able to flee Yukijima the next day and seek asylum in the Goa Kingdom, never to return to Yukijima under any circumstances," Nami explained, finishing up the epic story.

"Oh, my God. Out of all of the Yukijima stories you have told me, this is the best one," Cavendish commented. Like the previous three times, he sounded like Shay Van Buren from The Most Popular Girls in School. "But, there is one question – How did Yuki-Rin survive the war?"

"Cosplay," Nami answered. "Yuki-Rin somehow snuck out of the Dragon Lady's custody and joined a cosplay brigade. The Dragon Lady never found her and just gave up on looking for her."

* * *

><p>Nami then awoke in her room on the Thousand Sunny.<p>

"Wow… That was such a strange dream," Nami commented. A few minutes later, Nami joined the rest of the Straw Hats at the breakfast table, where Zoro had an announcement to make.

"I like turtles," Zoro said derpily. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Yes, Jodie, it's THAT MEME. I'm actually partial to the 'I like trains' meme, Aoi. Bullet, you should send a Snap Chat of that to A.A.A. Leon, could you make us some more ice cream bread? Yes, Cube, I am aware that George R.R. Martin wrote the Red Wedding scenes in _A Storm of Swords _last because he didn't like them," Maeve said to her personalities.

"Nami-swan, what's the next island?" Sanji asked.

"Yukijima. A hangout for rich people," Nami answered.

"Oh! So it's like the Hamptons?" Maeve asked. The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

"What are the Hamptons? Is it like the Hampton Inn hotels?" Usopp asked.

"The Hamptons are in a place called 'New York', and rich people go on vacation there," Robin - who was now part of the crew this early alongside Chopper, Brook, and Franky - explained.

"Oh! So... We're going to the Hamptons?" Maeve asked. Everyone face-faulted.

"No. But, Zoro has an announcement to make," Zoro said, talking in third-person.

"Why are you talking in third person, Marimo?" Sanji asked.

"Because Zoro does whatever the Fruit Loops Zoro wants!" Zoro yelled. "But, Zoro did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

Everyone sweatdropped.

"So, what's this announcement you have to make?" Usopp asked.

"Make it quick! My soaps are on in five!" Franky ordered.

"We won a free week at the Fancypants Hotel a Hilton Hotel, or the FPHHH," Zoro explained.

"Tee-hee. FPHHH," Maeve snickered, making vaguely-sounding sucking noises.

"Zoro, how and WHY did you win a free week at a hotel?" Nami asked. "_Wait… Yukijima?! No, no, no, no, no! Why, God, why?!_" (5)

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>This was an actual name for a neighborhood in _The Black Isle_.

**(2) - **During Film Cow's Kickstarter campaign to make Detective Heart of America into a movie, they smacked-talked the Kickstarter for Ouya a lot.

**(3) – **"This is my protest sign."

**(4) - **The lead singer of Xiu Xiu really does sound like Kip from _Napoleon Dynamite_. _Bishop, California_, is also a real place. I've been there several times, and it's totally got a small, slightly unhinged vibe.

**(5) - **This is the first scene from the Second Anniversary Special, a.k.a., the first Yukijima story.

**Also, I would like to announce one more thing before we end the chapter - This chapter is going to get a director's cut! This is because I want to put in ALL the things that didn't make it into the final cut of this chapter - Deleted scenes, deleted intermissions, funny lines... You name it, it's going it.**

**So, Happy New Year, and happy birthday to Eichiiro Oda. Next chapter will signal the return of normal chapters/updates for this fic with a good, old-fashioned dodgeball tournament.**


	112. Maeve's Sugar Rush

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the hiatus. Writers' block + trying to make new OCs for Parallel Works + Other fanfics = Hiatus. Don't worry, the hiatus is over.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day on the Thousand Sunny as Sanji made Robin her coffee.<p>

"Fuck the Swearing Police!" Sanji cursed, because he accidentally dumped a lot of sugar into Robin's coffee. "What am I going to do?!"

"Just make a new cup of coffee," Maeve said, not looking up from making origami sculptures of bags of cat food. Sanji turned to Maeve.

"That's actually a good idea, Maeve. In fact, why don't you have this cup?" Sanji asked.

"Okay," Maeve said before she took a sip of the over-sugared coffee.

"**Fact: The Black Keys originally had more members. When the band recorded their first album, much of the band skipped recording to get high and play video games, leaving Patrick Carney and Dan Auerbach as the only band members,**" Cube said as Sanji left the room. After walking a few paces, Sanji realized something.

"I've made a huge mistake," Sanji said in the voice of Gob Bluth from Arrested Development.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, a twitching Maeve finished her coffee.<p>

"Why can't I feel my face?" Maeve asked her personalities.

"**Maeve, how much sugar did Sanji put in that cup of coffee?**" Handles asked Maeve.

"Uhh… A lot?" Maeve asked. Jodie, Aoi, Bullet, Leon, Cube, Scribbles, Handles, and Ottawa grew silent.

"You're screwed," All of Maeve's personalities said in unison. Maeve screamed.

"I'm going to go do stuff so I can win a lobster!" Maeve yelled before she ran from the Hyperion, screaming something about taco salad. The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

"Is Maeve pregnant?" Luffy asked his nakama.

"Monkey D. Luffy, for the last time, Tobias Funke blue-d himself!" Zoro yelled angrily to Luffy.

* * *

><p>On the Coachella, the Libras were watching Parks and Recreation.<p>

"COWABUNGA!"

Right as the theme song to Parks and Recreation started, Maeve ran into the Coachella and started doing the Robot dance to the theme song.

"…" The Libras said as they silently watched Maeve dance. Right when the song ended, Maeve struck a final pose involving jazz hands.

"What shampoo does Gerard Way use?" Maeve said before she left the Coachella. The Libras sweatdropped, too stunned to say anything.

* * *

><p>On board the Hyperion, Yuki-Rin was playing video games.<p>

"**Fact: The woman on the cover for the Vampire Weekend album _Contra _sued the band when they used an old photo of her without permission. The woman found this out when her daughter brought home a copy of the album**," Cube said as he floated over to Yuki-Rin. Yuki-Rin screamed and threw the PS3 controller into the air out of shock.

"Ow! Mommy!" Daisuke yelled off-screen.

"Oh, hey, Cube. Where's Maeve?" Yuki-Rin asked the floating fact cube.

"**She is causing havoc on your ship as I speak**," Cube droned.

"Hi, Yuki-Rin!"

Maeve then ran into the room, holding several pairs of men's boxers.

"Hi! My name is Le-Dash-A!" Maeve introduced herself. "What's your name?!"

"Maeve, what are you doing with all of those boxers?" Yuki-Rin asked with a straight face.

"Oh, these?" Maeve asked. "All of these are Heathcliffe's boxers!"

"Why do you have Heathcliffe's boxers?" Yuki-Rin asked.

"Because he's Heathcliffe Sarutobi!" Maeve yelled before she ran off. Maeve returned a few minutes later. "Oh, and by the way, I don't ship Aki with Heathcliffe anymore. I ship her with Teinosuke the Sheep Terrorist because Sarutobi FANSERVICE. Lemon drop!"

Maeve then left the Hyperion. Heathcliffe then entered the room, only wearing the only pair of boxers Maeve didn't steal from him.

"Why are all of my clothes in the ocean?" Heathcliffe asked. "And why is Maeve shipping Aki with that fucking pig Teinosuke?"

Yuki-Rin blinked in confusion.

"**Fact: There is a town in Japan that looks exactly like the country of Sweden. The town even celebrates Swedish traditions,**" Cube said.

"And now, the weather," Yuki-Rin said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the Revolutionary Headquarters…<p>

"Will you take me to Mount Splashmore? Will you take me to Mount Splashmore? Will you take me to Mount Splashmore? Will you take me to Mount Splashmore? Will you take me to Mount Splashmore? Will you take me to Mount Splashmore? Will you take me to Mount Splashmore? Will you take me to Mount Splashmore?" Maeve repeatedly asked Dragon.

"If I take you to Mount Splashmore, will you shut up?!" Dragon yelled. Maeve cheered.

"A dolla makes me holla, Honey Boo-Boo Child!" Maeve yelled.

"Maeve, we're in the middle of the 'Totally Not Important Conference of the Revolutionaries'. Please leave," Artemis explained. Maeve then left the room, only to return a few seconds later.

"Hi, Cima," Maeve said to the Goth Revolutionary before she left. Cima waved back.

"I don't know what just happened, but we should ban Maeve from Baltigo," Cima said.

"Aye!" The other Revolutionaries said in agreement.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Aldwin was grocery shopping.<p>

"Do I get Pocky or do I get Mikado?" Aldwin asked himself as he looked at the Pocky on display.

"Aldwin, we have to go do random things because Oxysertia D. Yuki-Rin said so!"

Maeve ran up to Aldwin and tackled him to the ground.

"What in the name of [let me tell you about Homestuck]?!" Aldwin cried, his words not matching his lip movements for some reason. Maeve picked Aldwin up.

"Scissor race!" Maeve said before she ran off with Aldwin.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in town, Kaya was walking down the street. Then, Maeve ran up to Kaya, pushed her to the ground, and started to kick her.<p>

"Yay! I'm involved!" Kaya yelled joyfully. Aldwin sweatdropped.

"**Fact: There are no clocks or windows in the casinos in Las Vegas,**" Cube said.

"Maeve, stop it, or you're going to commit homicide," Aldwin said. Maeve looked up and stopped kicking Kaya.

"I will not stop shipping Aki with Teinosuke. Forget that he's a Sheep Terrorist," Maeve said darkly.

"What's a Sheep Terrorist?" Kaya asked.

"The world may never know," Maeve said before she passed out.

"I think we got her."

The Taurus Pirates approached Kaya and Aldwin. Ludovic was holding a tranquilizer gun.

"What the hell happened? Nobody likes Teinosuke because of what he did to Aki, and now Maeve is shipping Aki with Teinosuke," Ludovic asked.

"She also kicked Kaya for no reason –" Cima added.

"And weirded out Miller and his friends –" Annalease added.

"And threw away the clothin' belongin' to Heathcliffe Sarutobi. I wish I was there because the Sarutobis can all go to Hell," Malachy finished.

"What's going on?!" The Revolutionaries asked Aldwin and Kaya.

"I'm partially responsible and I admit my mistakes."

Sanji approached the group.

"What happened?!" The Taurus Pirates asked Sanji.

"I gave Maeve coffee that had too much sugar," Sanji answered casually. Everybody turned to Sanji.

"Get him," Cima said before everybody chased Sanji off, leaving Maeve to sleep off her sugar rush.

* * *

><p>Back on the Coachella, the Libras were still watching Parks and Recreation.<p>

"Did something happen earlier involving Maeve?" Yukari asked everyone.

"It was probably something in one of the episodes we watched," Kazura said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see a Chinese New Year's dinner party from Hell.<strong>


	113. Extreme Couponing

**Author's Note: **So, I was watching Extreme Cheapskates when I got the idea of Doflamingo being an extreme couponer. Next chapter will be all about how much of an extreme cheapskate Crocodile is.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Extreme Couponing.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day in the city of Dressrosa, as Donquixote Doflamingo dusted the items in his pantry.<p>

"Hello, random television show-thingie! I'm Donquixote Doflamingo, and I am the Coupon Shichibukai!" Doflamingo yelled. "Obviously, this is my stockpile, where I keep all of the shit I buy with coupons that may or may not have been gotten through larceny, petty theft, and taking candy from babies."

"_Doflamingo's stockpile includes two hundred cans of cat food, five hundred boxes of tampons, three hundred bags of Oreos, a thousand containers of Tic Tacs, and enough bottles of mace to defend the entire city of Dressrosa, among other items. I don't even get why Doflamingo coupons and hoards all of this crap when he's rich. Can't he just give it to charity or use the food in his stockpile to feed the hungry?_"

"Why don't you shut your face?! I don't think I want to give you a cookie from my stockpile now. You're not being nice to me," Doflamingo asked. Law then entered the pantry and grabbed an oatmeal bar, which caused Doflamingo to scream like a girl. "Put that back! I'll only have 499 oatmeal bars instead of 500 oatmeal bars!"

"You need counseling. This stockpile is getting out of hand," Law stated.

"You shut your whore mouth! I'm trying to make my stockpile bigger so Crocodile can quit extreme couponing and work at McDonald's!" Doflamingo yelled.

"_Dolflamingo is planning his biggest shopping trip ever so he can beat his rival, Crocodile, at which Shichibukai owns the best coupon stockpile._"

"Crocodile's extreme couponing game is weak. If I beat him, I can finally get some bitches all up in this mansion," Doflamingo said into the camera. "Today, my slave labor – I mean, best friends – consisting of Law, Sugar, Violet, and Dellinger, and I will go to the market, where I will proceed to spend a thousand coupons on items I may or may not need."

"You know, some of the food is going to go bad if it's in the stockpile for too long," Law pointed out. Doflamingo then bitch-slapped Law.

"That's it, you don't get any soft pretzels from my stockpile!" Doflamingo yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Doflamingo, Law, Dellinger, Violet, and Sugar arrived at the market.<p>

"Everybody, grab a cart!" Doflamingo yelled, grabbing a cart.

"Hey, there, Donquixote. Looking for a good time?" Kinemon – who was wearing a trench coat and sunglasses – asked Doflamingo.

"Kinemon, since when did you start selling drugs?" Doflamingo asked.

"I'm doing this for my son!" Kinemon sobbed. "Samurai don't coupon like you!"

Law, Sugar, Dellinger, and Violet sweatdropped.

"How did this go from Extreme Couponing to one of those bad movies about the dangers of doing drugs?" Dellinger asked. Law then pushed Doflamingo to the ground.

"No, Doflamingo-ya! Drugs are bad!" Law yelled passionately.

"Doflamingo, we came here to build your coupon stockpile, not to do drugs!" Sugar yelled. Doflamingo then got up.

"Alright, my homies, let's do this shit!" Doflamingo yelled.

* * *

><p>A minute later, the five were inside the grocery store.<p>

"_Today just happens to be a sale because we said so. This store also doubles coupons and price-matches ads. Doflamingo does not know any of this, because he is a stupid monster truck._"

"This store doubles coupons, so we'll buy ALL the things," Doflamingo explained.

"_Yeah, you're a stupid monster truck._"

Doflamingo said nothing as he began throwing bottles of Axe body spray into his cart.

"Who uses this crap anymore?!" Law yelled.

"I put Axe body spray on my huevos rancheros in the morning," Doflamingo explained. "It's selling for five bucks, and we have a dollar-off coupon. If we double the coupons, I'm getting all of this for a buck."

"Maybe that explains why you're so crazy…" Law said under his breath.

"Did you even do any math before we came here?" Violet asked.

"If by 'math' you mean 'power-watched the new season of House of Cards while paying one of those hipsters from the Libra Pirates to do all of the math for me', then, yeah, I did the math," Doflamingo explained.

"You didn't even do the math yourself. You paid Kazura-ya from the Libras to do it for you while you watched stuff on Netflix," Law explained. "By the way, House of Cards is too mainstream. Go watch Portlandia."

Doflamingo ignored Law as they entered the aisle with the cleaning supplies.

"Let's get this mop. I need a new mop," Doflamingo said as he put a mop into his cart.

"It's not even on sale," Dellinger pointed out.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Doflamingo yelled.

"_That mop isn't even on sale and there are no coupons for it. Doflamingo only bought it because he is a nutcase._"

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later, Doflamingo and his entourage were in the medicine aisle.<p>

"Right now, there is a deal where you can buy ten boxes of suppositories for ten bucks. I have fifty, dollar-off coupons, which means that we will be getting fifty boxes of suppositories for free," Doflamingo asked, putting boxes of suppositories into Law's cart.

"Why do I get the suppositories?!" Law cried.

"Because you're the doctor. Shut up," Doflamingo said.

"Law, what are suppositories?" Sugar asked innocently, because she's younger than ten. Law leaned down to Sugar's level.

"It's medicine. When you get sick, you're supposed to stick the suppository up your but –" Law said before Doflamingo cut him off.

"Bacon is on sale, so we get ALL the bacon!" Doflamingo yelled as he threw packs of bacon into the carts. Law grew silent.

"You'll learn about suppositories when you're older," Law said to Sugar in all seriousness.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Doflamingo, Law, Sugar, Dellinger, and Violet were exiting the meatdairy section.

"Oh, yes, wieners. They're gonna make magic happen!" Doflamingo yelled, picking up several packs of hot dogs. "Buy ALL the wieners! Wieners make the world go 'round!"

Perona and Moria then walked by.

"Gee, Sugar, why does Doflamingo let you have TWO wieners?!" Perona yelled. Moria grabbed Perona by the wrist.

"Don't look at them," Moria said before he led Perona off. Doflamingo sweatdropped.

"Got wieners, don't care," Doflamingo said, putting more hot dogs into his basket. Law, Sugar, Dellinger, and Violet sweatdropped.

"I don't want to do this anymore…" Law said to himself.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, it was time for Doflamingo to check out all of the things he bought.<p>

"Another coupon stockpile?! Fuck that shit!" The clerk, Bonney, yelled before she stormed off. Another clerk, Zoro, approached the check-out counter.

"Stockpile?" Zoro asked. Doflamingo slammed his coupons onto the counter.

"Let's do this!" Doflamingo yelled. About ninety minutes of scanning Doflamingo's items later…

"That will be $666.69," Zoro said. Doflamingo slammed more coupons onto the counter.

"Blaze it," Doflamingo said. Zoro facepalmed as he began to scan coupons.

"Stop making marijuana jokes. Just stop," Zoro said as he scanned the coupons. Then, the scanner broke. "Sorry, the scanner broke. It will take a few minutes to fix it."

Doflamingo screamed. A few minutes later…

"Okay, scanner's fixed," Zoro said before he resumed scanning the coupons. "By the way, at least five of your coupons already expired."

Doflamingo slapped Zoro.

"Shun the non-believer! Shun! Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" Doflamingo yelled.

* * *

><p>An hour later…<p>

"Okay, your total comes down to… $4.20," Zoro said. Doflamingo got onto the counter and began pelvic thrusting.

"Four dollars and twenty cents! Blaze it!" Doflamingo yelled. Law, Zoro, Violet, Sugar, and Dellinger sweatdropped.

"_Doflamingo's additions to his stockpile cost $666.69, but he only had to pay $4.20 for a haul of items that included twenty boxes of cat litter, sixty packs of bacon, a hundred bottles of mace, fifty boxes of suppositories, twenty gallons of Calpico strawberry milk drink, a mop, and some drugs from a dealer known as 'Kinemon'. I don't know how much Doflamingo saved, because I am too lazy to do the math. Maybe I'll ask Kazura to do it later._" (1)

Crocodile then walked by, pushing fifty shopping carts.

"Oi, Donquixote, I expanded my stockpile to my office! That's a two-room stockpile!" Crocodile yelled. Doflamingo began to cry.

"I hate my life! I want more stuff for my stockpile!" Doflamingo sobbed.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>Side note: The narrator's identity is up to you, which means it could be anyone, even my OCs. However, the narrator is not Doflamingo, Law, Violet, Dellinger, Kinemon, Kazura, Perona, Moria, Bonney, or Zoro, since they either have speaking roles or they are mentioned.

**Review if you want to see Crocodile as an extreme cheapskate!**


	114. Bad Education

**Author's Note: **I lied about this chapter being the Extreme Cheapstakes chapter. Instead, this will be a parody of the British television show Bad Education. Expect a mini-update spam for this fic because I have quite a few ideas.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Bad Education.**

* * *

><p>It was the first day of school at Grand Line Private High School in Los Angeles, and the Capricorn Class was waiting for their homeroom teacher.<p>

"Good morning, senior class of 2014!" Shanks yelled as he entered the classroom.

"Hell yeah! We got Professor Shanks!" Daisuke yelled from the back. Then, everybody began to talk about how cool Shanks was.

"Anyway, I think you already know each other, so let's go outside and play games! It's a beautiful day!" Shanks yelled. The Capricorns cheered.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, things were different in the Libra Class. Their homeroom teacher, Sanji, showed up fifteen minutes late with Starbucks.<p>

"Is this Junior English? Yeah," Sanji asked. "Anyway, good morning, class of 2015. I'm Professor Sanji, and I'm your shitty homeroom teacher. I'm hungover, so I'm going to half-ass the attendance. Let me know if you're not here or plan to ditch this class later."

"Tu eres un profesor mal!" Fernando yelled from the back of the room. (1)

"What's your name?" Sanji asked.

"Fernando Aguilar," Fernando answered. Sanji said nothing as he checked off random boxes.

"Well, we're missing Miller Pratt, Jin-Mao Xiang, Aurelia Sarutobi, Kazura Miyafuji, and Fernando Aguilar. If you're one of the missing students, you will receive an espresso and a kitten," Sanji announced.

"We're right here!" Miller, Jin-Mao, Aurelia, Kazura, and Fernando yelled. Sanji rubbed his temples.

"Okay, no shitty kittens for you! Go stand outside! I have a shitty hangover and you just made it worse!" Sanji yelled. The five students then got up and left the classroom.

"Profesor Sanji es un tonto vaca," Fernando said to himself. (2)

"I don't know Spanish, but I somehow agree with you," Jin-Mao said.

* * *

><p>During his lunch break, Sanji found himself in the offices of the school's principal, Alvida.<p>

"Why do I still keep you around as a teacher?" Alvida asked.

"Because Shanks can go [hot ham water]," Sanji explained.

"Well… To be fair, his senior class gets away with anything and everything, including jaywalking, littering, walking though patches of grass that have 'Keep off the grass' signs on them, torrenting the latest episodes of Boardwalk Empire, loitering, and – the worst one of them all – operating an illegal bathhouse," Alvida explained. "Also, hot ham water is gross."

* * *

><p>The next day in class…<p>

"If the pizza man truly loves the babysitter, then why does he keep hitting her rear?" Jin-Mao asked Sanji.

"Jin-Mao, we're supposed to be reading _Gone With the Wind _for class, not Supernatural fanfics," Sanji explained. "Now, can anybody tell me the gist of the story? No spoilers, since I'm only on the part where… Uhh… I forgot what part I'm on, but I'm pretty sure it involved a barbecue, people falling asleep, and defenestration."

"What's 'defenestration'?" Mason asked.

"It's where you throw things out of a window. Bitches in _Gone With the Wind _be defenestrating like it's an episode of Arrested Development," Sanji explained. "Now, who can give me a spoiler-free summary of _Gone With the Wind?_"

"Scarlett O'Hara is a rich bitch who is in love with some abusive guy who is named after me. There is also racism that nobody complains about because the film of the book is the highest-grossing movie ever or something like that," Rhett explained.

"Ten points for Gryffindor!" Sanji yelled. "Speaking of which, screw _Gone With the Wind_, we're going to read something else instead. Raise your hand if you like reading pamphlets on hotels."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in Shanks' class…<p>

"I've got good news, everybody!" Shanks said. "The Senior Dance is this Friday!"

The Capricorns cheered. "And, because you're seniors, you get to decide on ALL the things you want for the dance, because nobody cares about how it's unfair to the other classes!"

"A dress code!"

"A live DJ!"

"Free food!"

"Pole dancing!"

"Fancy costumes!"

"An illegal bathhouse, like the one we're operating right now!"

"A screen to project all of the T.V. shows and movies we've downloaded from The Pirate Bay!"

"Hot ham water!"

"Zoo animals!"

"Lawn darts! The dangerous version!"

"People to release doves as we walk in!"

"Us to force the Libra Class to go to the dance."

Shanks looked up to Heathcliffe, who had his legs propped up onto his desk.

"Why the Libras? They're juniors," Shanks asked.

"Because we hate hipsters and we know deep-down that they're going to miss us," Heathcliffe explained.

"Illegal, Heathcliffe!" Shanks said. "However, I will go forward with your idea so we can spite Sanji. What a lazy teacher he is."

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon…<p>

"What?! You can't do that – On television!" Sanji cried.

"I don't give a [fishing license]. Your class is going to this dance, or they will all be suspended for a week," Shanks explained.

"This makes no sense, and I bet the readers are confused!" Sanji argued.

"Come on! This is the Capricorns' last year before college, so they should spend some time with their lowerclassmen!" Shanks yelled. Sanji threw his shoe at him.

"You lie! You just want to break their hipster-ness and make them feel bad afterwards!" Sanji yelled.

"Shanks' decision stays, since he teaches a senior class, and seniors in high school are always entitled to everything their hearts desire."

Alvida then walked by.

"That's biased, Alvida! What about the freshmen, sophmores, and juniors?!" Sanji yelled.

"They'll be seniors eventually," Alvida said before she walked away. Shanks then began to dance.

"Yeah, baby!" Shanks said in the voice of Austin Powers.

* * *

><p>The next day, it was Friday.<p>

"So, kids, if you got suspended for a week for a shitty reason, what would you do?" Sanji asked.

"Start Occupy: Grand Line Private High School," Kazura answered.

"Transfer so I would no longer have to deal with the Capricorns and how they get everything they want," Edmund answered.

"Get our revenge," Mason answered.

"We're going with Mason's idea, since I can't afford to be humiliated by Shanks," Sanji explained bluntly. The Libras sweatdropped.

"This is about the dance tonight, right?" Yukari asked.

"Of course! Have you heard the news about Shanks and the Capricorns forcing you to attend the dance or you get suspended?!" Sanji asked. The Libras grew silent.

"That's it! Who wants to defenestrate with me?!" Edmund yelled. "Wait… That sounded wrong… Who wants to throw things out the window with me?!"

"Hell yeah!" The Libras said before they began throwing various things out of the window.

"Remember me as a vital member of the resistance against the Capricorns!" Jin-Mao yelled before Nigel and Locke threw him out of the window.

"iAdios, Jin-Mao!" Fernando yelled as Jin-Mao fell to the ground. But, since their classroom was located on the first floor, Jin-Mao was able to climb back inside. (3)

"I'm back!" Jin-Mao yelled as he climbed back into the classroom, ducking to avoid a chair Miller threw out of the window. "My turn! My turn!"

Jin-Mao then picked up a chair, right as the bell rang. Jin-Mao said nothing as he put the chair down.

"Have a good weekend! Follow me on Twitter!" Sanji yelled as the Libras exited the classroom. The Taurus Pirates then entered the defenestrated classroom and sweatdropped. "No class today. Go home."

Sanji then ran out of the classroom.

"Why hasn't Professor Sanji been fired yet?" Cima asked everyone.

* * *

><p>That night, the Senior Party started.<p>

"Sanji! Long time no see!" Shanks said as Sanji entered the gymnasium. "How's the Libra Class?"

"They blew off a lot of steam in class today," Sanji said, lighting up a cigarette.

"You can't smoke in here," Shanks said, pulling out a fire extinguisher and using it to put Sanji's cigarette out.

"Woah, woah, woah! That's not okay!" Sanji yelled.

"It's a wonder why you didn't get fired yet," Shanks commented. "Speaking of fired, where are the Libras? They're all going to get suspended."

Then, the Libras entered the gym, _Icky Thump _by The White Stripes playing somewhere in the background.

"iViva la revolucion!" Fernando shouted. (4)

"Wait a minute…" Edmund said as the music stopped with a record scratch. "Where are the Capricorns?! We're here to poison their water supply, burn their crops, and deliver a plague onto their houses!"

"We are?!" The rest of the Libras asked.

"They're in there," Shanks said, pointing to the locker rooms. The Libras said nothing as they entered the locker rooms. Five seconds later, they came out of the locker rooms running and screaming.

"You never told us that there was an illegal bathhouse in there and that the Capricorns were washing up in there!" Mason cried.

"They wanted it for their dance! Shut up!" Shanks yelled. Sanji began to tremble.

"I've made a huge mistake," Sanji said before he fainted.

* * *

><p>On Monday morning, Sanji stopped by Alvida's office.<p>

"Is Shanks fired for what happened Friday night?" Sanji asked.

"No. Everybody loves Shanks and the Capricorns," Alvida answered.

"What about me?" Sanji asked.

"No. We need a Jack Whitehall-type teacher because this was supposed to be an allegory for Bad Education," Alvida answered. Sanji screamed.

"I hate this school!" Sanji yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>"You are a bad professor."

**(2) - **"Professor Sanji is a stupid cow."

**(3) - **"Bye, Jin-Mao!"

**(4) - **"Long live the revolution!"

**Anyway, review if you want to see a parody of a famous, magical girl anime. *Cough*I'mNotSayingIt'sMadokaMagicaBut...*Cough***


	115. The Revolutionaries' Day Off

**Author's Note: **We haven't done a chapter starring the Revolutionaries yet, so here it is.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. I just own my OCs for One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day in Baltigo as the city burned down.<p>

"What?!" Sabo cried, carrying several babies, dogs, cats, elderly people, and containers of sparkly glitter.

"I wanted to ask you if you like fried chicken!" Eneru cried. Sabo then threw glitter onto Eneru.

"It's just you and me, Sparkle Pony!" Sabo yelled as he petted Eneru. The rest of the Revolutionaries sweatdropped.

"So… Who saw last night's episode of Parks and Recreation?" Koala asked everyone, trying to diffuse the awkwardness.

* * *

><p>The next day, somebody robbed a bank in Baltigo.<p>

"Have no fear, Sabo is here to save the day!" Sabo – who was now wearing a towel tied to his neck as a cape – said before he ran up to Buggy, the bank robber, and began to punch him.

"Waaah! I want my mommy!" Buggy sobbed. The other Revolutionaries sweatdropped.

"So… Did anybody see that one cat video on Youtube?" Koala asked everyone.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Dragon Lady and her crew attacked Baltigo.<p>

"Noot Noot!" Sabo yelled before he began to beat the Dragon Lady up with his pipe.

"For once, this mission is sane enough," Cima commented.

* * *

><p>Later that evening, the Revolutionaries had a meeting. However, everybody but Dragon was busy filling out their March Madness brackets.<p>

"Sabo, where's Purdue University?" Koala asked Sabo.

"It's in Indiana," Sabo answered. "Same state as where Parks and Recreation takes place."

"Awesome! Purdue is so going to win March Madness!" Koala yelled.

"Silence!" Dragon yelled. The Revolutionaries then stopped filling out their March Madness brackets. "By the way, I think Duke is going to win March Madness."

"Fuck you!" Everybody but Ludovic, Marnie, Jeremiah, and Merovech yelled. Dragon rolled his eyes like a teenaged girl.

"Anyway, I think we need a day off," Dragon stated.

"To watch March Madness games?" Jean asked.

"No. We need a day off because we've had so many jobs to do recently," Dragon explained. "And, no, ironing and laundry do not count as jobs, Kenneth."

Kenneth frowned. "As I was saying, we've had many jobs – Rescuing people from fires, stopping robberies, stopping invasions, power-watching all of Breaking Bad… We're taking a day off tomorrow, and we won't respond to the people's problems!"

Everybody grew silent.

"When do we get the free food?" Koala asked.

"The pizza should be here at any moment," Dragon said before Dellinger entered with several boxes of pizza.

"I've got a delivery for Monkey D. Dragon," Dellinger announced. "Also, can anybody help me rescue my cat? He's stuck in a tree."

Dragon then gave a large sum of money to Dellinger.

"Here's five hundred bucks. Go get drunk and the clubs and don't ask me any further questions," Dragon requested.

* * *

><p>The next afternoon, a giant Sea King attacked the city of Baltigo.<p>

"Kill it with fire!" Daisuke shouted as the Capricorns ran away from the Sea King.

"Run to the Safe, East Coast Side!" Yuki-Rin yelled to her nakama.

"Fuck! This isn't _Pacific Rim_! This isn't _Pacific Rim_! THIS ISN'T _PACIFIC RIM_!" Gareth yelled. "Where's Chris Pratt when you need him?!"

"Chris Pratt isn't in _Pacific Rim_, you uncultured swine!" Enlai yelled back. The Libras then joined the running Capricorns. "Oh, look! Hipsters!"

"Shut up and keep running! On second thought, stop running and allow yourself to be consumed by the giant Sea King!" Kazura yelled to the Capricorns. Then, the Straw Hats joined the group.

"**Fact: It is possible to drive from Portugal to Vietnam,**" Cube said.

"Why is this happening?!" Nami screamed.

"We're all on drugs. Yipee," Maeve said in a deadpan tone of voice.

"No! We need the Revolutionaries!" Sanji cried.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Revolutionaries were at a family fun center.<p>

"Faster! Faster!" Ivankov yelled as he and the Revolutionaries stood in line for go-karts. Dragon's cell phone then rang.

"Hello?" Dragon asked. "Giant Sea King attacking the city?! Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Dragon then hung up.

"What's going on?" Artemis asked.

"Giant Sea King is attacking the city on our day off. Ignore it, Artemis," Dragon explained. Artemis reached for her rapier. "Ignore the Sea King, or I am going to fire you and take away any stuffed animals you win today."

"But, Dragon, those stuffed animals are my trophies from army," Artemis said.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Revolutionaries went shopping at a mall.<p>

"Dragon, Ivankov, Sabo, Inazuma, there's a giant Sea King attacking the island and we're all going to die!" Chopper yelled as he ran up to the Revolutionaries. Dragon gave the reindeer money in response.

"Here's some money. Go see a Star War," Dragon said bluntly before he pushed Chopper away. The Revolutionaries remained silent.

"Did you know Sbarro pizza chains may be going out of business?" Isaac asked everyone. Ivankov bitch-slapped Isaac.

"You shut your whore mouth when Billy Mays is talking!" Ivankov yelled.

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, the Straw Hats, Capricorns, Libras, and some others managed to trap the Sea King in some power wires.<p>

"There. All done," Kazura said, brushing dust off of his hands.

"**Fact: Michael Jackson wanted to build a 50-foot robot of himself to roam the deserts of Nevada,**" Cube said.

"Kazura, we're not done! What if the Sea King breaks loose?!" Sanji yelled.

"Not our problem," Mason stated.

"Look! The Revolutionaries are here! They can help us!" Maeve said, pointing to the Revolutionaries, who were at a rooftop café high above them. "Hi! Who did you pick to win your March Madness bracket?!"

The Revolutionaries turned to the people down below.

"I picked Ole Miss!" Sabo yelled back.

"That's cute! I picked Oregon State to win March Madness!" Kazura yelled back.

"Excuse me, we actually need your help!" Nami yelled. "How do you defeat a giant Sea King trapped in power lines?"

The Revolutionaries approached the edge of the roof to get a better look at the Sea King.

"You kill it with fire," Cima answered. Nami facepalmed.

"Do you want me to get arrested?!" Nami cried.

"Do you want us to knock all of the power to this island out?!" Yuki-Rin yelled.

"_Do I wanna know if this feeling flows both ways?!_" Mason sang.

"_Sad to see you go; was sort of hoping that you'd stay_," Aleksandar sang.

"_Baby, we both know that the nights are mainly meant for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day_," Aleksandar and Mason sang.

"_Crawling back to you! Ever thought of calling when you've had a few, because I always do? Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new, now that I've thought it through! Crawling back to you!_" The Libras sang.

"Stop singing those hipster songs!" Enlai yelled. "Also, how do we defeat this Sea King?!"

"We're not Animal Control. Plus, it's our day off, so we shouldn't be doing this," Koala sassed. Enlai grew silent.

"That's one of us…" Enlai muttered.

"Okay, I've got a riddle – Why is it a bad idea to use your toaster when you're taking a bath?" Ludovic asked the crowd below. Daisuke then waved his hand in the air and jumped up.

"Because your toast would get soggy!" Daisuke answered. The Revolutionaries facepalmed.

"Yep. We're working with idiots," Cima said to herself.

"Plus, who brings a loaf of bread with them to take a bath?" Cobol asked. Ludovic turned back to the group of people below him.

"Look, guys, it's so easy, a caveman could figure this out – If you use a toaster while you take a bath, you WILL get electrocuted and die!" Ludovic yelled.

"So, we all need to take a bath?" Luffy asked.

"You're close," Sabo answered.

"No, he's not close, Sabo! They need to pour water on the Sea King to kill it!" The rest of the Revolutionaries yelled.

"I'm on it! Gum Gum Soggy Toast!" Luffy yelled before he punched a nearby water tower, soaking the Sea King and electrocuting him. When all was said and done, the people down below were covered in blood and slime from the dead Sea King.

"It's a miracle! We saved the day without help from the Revolutionary Army!" Miller yelled. "Thanks, Annalease!"

"I thought you said we didn't help!" Annalease yelled back.

"It says here that there was some sort of plot hole," Cima said, holding the script for the fanfic up.

"Anyway, let's party!" Daisuke yelled.

"But first, I need a shower! My hair is a mess!" Aki screeched like a pterodactyl.

"Oh, by the way, you guys can clean this mess up," Nami said.

"It's our day off!" The Revolutionaries yelled.

"How do you think WE feel?! All of us need to shower and change clothes!" Heathcliffe yelled.

"Anyway, we'll see you all later at the party!" Maeve said before the large group of people walked away. Dragon turned to the Revolutionary Army.

"Fuck this. Let's go to the movies and see _Divergent_," Dragon said.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see more chapters with the Revolutionaries!<strong>


	116. The Libras' Spring Break Adventure!

**Author's Note: **I've been on Spring Break the past few days, so I needed to post this chapter before it ended on Sunday.

Also, I finished the Third Anniversary Special two or three weeks ago. There's only one thing I'm going to say about this - If this anniversary chapter were a stand-alone fic, it would be a very dark fic. The plot for the Third Anniversary Special is pretty dark in hindsight.

**Disclaimer: I own all of the Libras except Basil and Toru. Basil is from The Procrastination - MasQ, who you better know as luffykotheeevee and Toru is from LazyFoxLover.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal Friday on the Coachella as the Libras got ready for a movie marathon.<p>

"Yaaaassss… It's Wes Anderson movie night!" Fernando yelled.

"So, what movie are we starting with?" Basil asked.

"We'll go chronologically, starting with _Bottle Rocket, _then_ Rushmore, _then_ The Royal Tenenbaums, _then we'll take a break for a late lunch before we start_ The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, _then _The Darjeeling Limited_, then_ Fantastic Mr. Fox, _and _Moonrise Kingdom _will be the last before we all go to the movies and see _The Grand Budapest Hotel_," Edmund explained, setting bowls of popcorn and candy down onto the table. "Any questions?"

Rhett looked up from the DVD rack.

"All of the DVDs are gone," Rhett said.

"You mean all of the Wes Anderson movies, or –" Edmund asked before Rhett cut him off.

"ALL of the DVDs, not just the Wes Anderson movies. All of the Doctor Who and Sherlock DVDs are gone, all of our Parks and Recreation, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, and Portlandia box sets are gone, _Seven Brides for Seven Brothers _is gone –" Rhett listed off.

"I still don't understand why we have _Seven Brides for Seven Brothers_," Jin-Mao pointed out.

"So we can indulge Miller. Now will you shut up?!" Edmund yelled.

"…_Inception _is gone, _Her _is gone –" Rhett continued before he was cut off.

"_Ann Veal – _I mean, _Her_?! Our DVD copy of _Her _is gone?!" Basil cried. (1)

"That's gone, too. So are _Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Amelie, Little Miss Sunshine, _and even _Submarine_," Rhett answered. The Libras screamed.

"No! Not _Submarine_!" All of the Libras but Rhett cried.

"Are you sure they're not anywhere else?!" Kazura cried. Edmund snapped his fingers.

"Game room! I'll check the game room!" Edmund yelled before he left the room. Five minutes later, Edmund returned empty-handed. "The DVDs aren't there! Is this some kind of sick joke?!"

"I'd hate to jump to conclusions this early, but I'm pretty sure the Capricorns had something to do with it," Mason said. Everybody gasped.

"_Should we blame the government, or blame society?!_" Aurelia sang.

"_Or, should we blame the images on T.V.?!_" Rhett, Edmund, Miller, Nigel, Locke, Mason, Aleksandar, Kazura, and Basil sang.

"_No! Blame Canada!_" Aurelia sang.

"_Blame Canada!_" The Libras sang.

"_It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along!_" Amelia sang.

"_Blame Canada!_" Aurelia sang.

"_Blame Canada!_" The Libras sang.

"_They're not even a real country, anyway_," Mason sang.

* * *

><p>On board the Cartago, the Aries sneezed.<p>

"I have the feeling that somebody said some bad things about Canada," Aomame said to herself.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Kazura, Miller, Edmund, Mason, Jin-Mao, Toru, and Basil arrived at the Hyperion.<p>

"Okay, here's how it's going to go – Miller, Kazura, Mason, Jin-Mao, and I will go in and get the DVDs, and Toru and Basil stay outside in case we need to beat the shit out of the Capricorns," Edmund explained.

"Right," Toru said, giving the group a peace sign. Everybody sweatdropped. "I saw it on Spongebob Squarepants. Don't judge me."

Edmund then knocked on the door.

"Oi, Capricorns! You jacked our movies, didn't you?!" Edmund yelled. Heathcliffe then exited the Hyperion, only holding a towel against his crotch.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Heathcliffe asked. The Libra men remained silent.

"We have the wrong ship. Excuse us," Edmund said before he dragged the Libra males away. Heathcliffe sweatdropped.

"Why is the shower still running?!" Holden yelled from inside.

* * *

><p>That afternoon, the Libras' hunt for their missing DVDs ended with everyone coming up empty-handed.<p>

"None of the pirate crews have them. Not even the Capricorns," Kazura stated.

"Actually, we didn't even try with the Capricorns. Something… Not that chill happened that we don't want to talk about," Edmund added.

"It involves Heathcliffe, right?" Yukari asked. Edmund nodded. "That's all I need to know."

"So… What do we do now?" Mason asked everyone. Edmund snapped his fingers.

"Hipster spring break road trip! We're going on a quest to get our DVDs back!" Edmund stated. Everybody blinked.

"I'm in," Kazura said.

* * *

><p>That night, after a long afternoon of travelling, the Libras were setting up camp in a meadow.<p>

"Wait, wait, wait – Since WHEN does Spring Break involve camping?!" Basil yelled. "This is Miller's idea, isn't it?!"

"It was my idea, yes," Miller answered.

"Loser! The only form of camping that's socially acceptable during Spring Break is camping out at a music festival!" Mason yelled.

"Or for concert tickets," Kazura added.

"Or for anime cons, video game releases, video game console releases, or Comic Con," Jin-Mao added.

"Or if we're trying to find stolen property and we can't go on because it's nightfall and there are no hotels in sight. Good night," Edmund added before he fell asleep. An earthquake then woke Edmund up a few seconds later. "Is it breakfast?"

"Uhh… No. It's a random earthquake," Rhett answered. Then, a giant Sea King came up from the ground. "Holy shit! It's a giant Sea King! Run for your lives!"

The Libras screamed as they gathered their things and ran away from the Sea King.

"This makes no sense! Sea Kings die outside of water, right?!" Edmund screamed.

"I think so!" Kazura yelled back. A loud screamed then pierced the air. The Libras turned back, and they saw that the Sea King had Aurelia.

"It has Aurelia!" Locke yelled, stating the very obvious fact that, yes, the Sea King had Aurelia. Jin-Mao then got out a working replica of the 3D-Maneuver Gear from Attack on Titan.

"I'll save her!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"No, you won't. You're just a kid with some random prop from a Japanese anime," Daruma answered. Jin-Mao glared at the tall assassin.

"Watch me," Jin-Mao said before he turned to the Sea King. "Sea King! Prepare to be vanquished!"

The rest of the Libras sweatdropped as Jin-Mao used the 3D-Maneuver Gear to propel himself toward the Sea King. "Wow. Look at all of these big-ass trees."

When he got close to the Sea King, Jin-Mao then cut off all of its tentacles, freeing Aurelia.

"Oh, my God… He actually did it…" Edmund commented.

"Of course, he did. Jin-Mao did NOT learn how to build a working replica for the 3-D Maneuver Gear from Attack on Titan for nothing," Daiyu explained as Jin-Mao and Aurelia came back.

"I thought that was just a cosplay prop," Fernando pointed out.

"Whatever it is, I actually hope Jin-Mao doesn't throw it away," Edmund said. "Now, how about we just go to sleep?"

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras arrived at a huge city, where something was going on.<p>

"No way! It's Anime Expo?!" Jin-Mao and Daiyu yelled. All of the Libras but Jin-Mao and Daiyu sighed.

"No way. It's Anime Expo," Edmund said with no emotion in his voice.

"What's wrong with Anime Expo?" Basil asked.

"Remember the last time we were dragged to Anime Expo?" Edmund asked. Everyone shuddered. "Yeah…"

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Libras left the anime con, all of them in cosplay. Yukari was Yukari Yakumo from Touhou Project, Kazura was Hilbert from Pokémon Black and White, Stella-Rondo was Ryuko Matoi from Kill la Kill, Edmund was in a Prinny kigurumi from Disagea, Rhett was Shinpachi Shimura from Gintama, Amelia was Finland from Hetalia, Bridey was Roman Saotome from Sket Dance, Locke was Shizuo Heiwajima from Durarara, Aurelia was Fiona from Adventure Time, Aleksandar was Rin Okumura from Blue Exorcist, Mason was Death the Kid from Soul Eater, Pearl was Haruhi Fujioka from Ouran High School Host Club, Lien was MZD from Pop'n Music, Daiyu was Homura Akemi from Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Jin-Mao was Eren Yeager from Attack on Titan, Fernando was John Egbert from Homestuck, Angelica was Tsukasa Hiiragi from Lucky Star, Alto was human!Dororo from Sgt. Frog, Miller was Rei Ryuugazaki from Free! Iwatobi Swim Club (however, he wasn't in Rei's butterfly swimsuit), Opal was Aoi Asahina from Dangan Ronpa, Nigel was Lavi from D. Gray-man, Kipton was Zagi from Jyu-Oh-Sei: Planet of the Beast King, Daruma was Elfman Strauss from Fairy Tail, Marlene was Yoshika Miyafuji from Strike Witches, Alton was Vongola Primero from Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Basil was Aoi Miyoshi from Night Raid 1931, and Toru was Firo Prochainezo from Baccano. (2)<p>

"There are bitches I want to murder in this bastardized penguin costume…" Edmund said darkly.

"Edmund, it's not a 'bastardized penguin'. It's a Prinny! Learn the difference!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"I don't watch anime, so, whatever," Edmund said.

"How did we go from a Wes Anderson movie marathon to an anime convention?" Fernando asked everyone.

"I don't know, but I want a shower. No, seriously – I smell like Ramune and Brony tears," Miller said. The Libras laughed.

"Ramune and Brony tears! Good one, Pratt!" Jin-Mao yelled.

* * *

><p>That evening, after showering and changing into cleaner clothes that weren't cosplay, the Libras were leaving a truck stop.<p>

"Is it me, or did we leave somebody behind?" Basil asked everyone. Edmund took a long look at the crew.

"Nope. I believe we're all here," Edmund said before everybody began to walk away. A few minutes later, Rhett exited the truck stop, a drink from Starbucks in his hand.

"What the hell, guys?! How come I'm the one who gets left behind at a truck stop?!" Rhett cried.

* * *

><p>After picking up Rhett, the Libras were looking for a place to spend the night.<p>

"Courtyard by Marriott SUCKS! You ACUTALLY have to pay for breakfast there!" Edmund ranted. "America's Best Value Inn and Suites is too janky, Travelodge is too janky, any motel with the word 'budget' in the name is too janky, some Super 8s are too janky… And the Four Seasons is as pretentious as the color blood-orange!" (3)

"You could have just said 'red'," Miller pointed out. "Also, we could try camping again."

"No!" All of the Libras but Miller screamed. Miller just sighed.

"What about that bed and breakfast we're currently loitering in front of?" Miller asked, pointing to a bed and breakfast behind him. Edmund sighed.

"Fine. But if we get attacked by giant Sea Kings again, we're blaming this on you, Pratt," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>A minute later, the Libras were inside the bed and breakfast, which was owned by Dr. Kureha and her many cats.<p>

"Welcome to Dr. Kureha's Bed and Breakfast," Dr. Kureha greeted the hipsters. "Breakfast will be served between five a.m. and seven a.m. –"

"Who the hell eats breakfast at THAT time?! At least serve us at a sane time, or we will stay at one of the two, janky, Super 8 motels down the road!" Edmund yelled.

"Well, it would be quite rude if you slept through breakfast," Kureha argued. "Speaking of which, breakfast is quiche, a German muffin, and fruit."

Everybody grew silent.

"Guys, how obscure is quiche?" Mason asked. "I know J'aime says 'quiche' all the time on Summer Heights Heigh and J'aime: A Private School Girl, but this is probably going too far."

"Also, what's a German muffin?" Bridey asked everyone.

"This breakfast spread is WORSE than what I would find at a janky Super 8. At least janky Super 8s have the decency to offer up pastries," Edmund pointed out.

"No coffee?! Fuck this place!" Basil yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras were checking out their rooms.<p>

"Wait – There's no television?!" Amelia yelled, gesturing to a sleeping cat on the dresser where a television usually was. "What are we supposed to do?! Read books like we normally do?! I need to catch up on Orphan Black!"

"I'm reading Jeffery Eugenides on my phone. So far, I have not seen one PHYSICAL book in this bed and breakfast, and this is utter sacrilege," Edmund said, not looking up from his iPhone. "Also, have you noticed that I am reading an e-book on my iPhone? Dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. Rubbish. Much bad. Very suck. Wow. Ten out of ten would not recommend."

Edmund's siblings sweatdropped.

"Guys, what's the Wi-Fi password for this place?" Rhett asked.

"I don't think this place has internet," Bridey said. Edmund threw his iPhone into the air.

"There's no Wi-Fi signal. We're better off staying at that Courtyard by Marriott where we have to pay for breakfast," Edmund said. The Abingdons screamed.

* * *

><p>Downstairs, Kazura, Miller, and Basil were forced to listen to Kureha play the piano, with some of her cats surrounding her. Kazura then got up and walked over to the door, where it was locked.<p>

"What the fuck?!" Kazura mouthed/whispered. Miller and Basil just stared at him, the cats surrounding them meowing.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later, the Libras managed to leave the bed and breakfast.<p>

"So… What happened?" Aurelia asked.

"Kureha died when she finished playing the piano," Kazura answered. (4)

"She did WHAT?!" The rest of the Libras said. Kazura said nothing as he began to pull DVDs out from his bag.

"She was sitting on these like a piano bench. I think they may be our DVDs, as I see all the Wes Anderson movies we were supposed to watch," Kazura said. The Libras cheered.

"Finally! We can have our Wes Anderson movie marathon! We can go back to the Coachella!" Edmund yelled, randomly hugging Miller. "Pratt, you're not in trouble! I'm in such a good mood right now!"

"I ship you two, just saying!" Jin-Mao yelled.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras returned to the Coachella from their Spring Break adventure.<p>

"It's good to be home!" Kazura said, pouring some popcorn into a bowl.

"We are never, EVER doing that again!" Edmund said, placing the DVDs onto the coffee table. Yukari then entered the room, crying her eyes out. Since there was major sexual tension going on between the two, Edmund ran over to Yukari. "Yukari, what's wrong? Is it that time of the month where I have to buy you pickles WITH ice cream?"

"No…" Yukari sobbed. "Somebody stole all of our records! They even took our record player!"

A murderous silence fell over the Libras.

"Okay, guys, pack a suitcase with whatever you can carry. We leave in twenty minutes," Edmund said darkly.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>This is a reference to Arrested Development.

**(2) - **If anybody can draw me the Libras cosplaying as those characters, that would be awesome.

**(3) - **The word "janky" means "of inferior, shoddy, or lower-class quality."

**(4) - **No, Kureha did NOT die. The scene was based off of an episode of Parks and Recreation where the parks department stayed at a bed and breakfast and the elderly owner died at the end of the episode.

**The next chapter is going to be inspired by a sketch from Portlandia, so you probably know what that means. **


	117. Happy Birthday, Yukari!

**Author's Note: **This is the second chapter in a row where the Libras go on an adventure... And this one is crazier.

Anyway, this is in honor of Yukari's birthday on May 23rd! Happy early birthday, Yukari!

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. Or Chipotle, _Thrift Shop, Monty Python and the Holy Grail_, or any Vine videos alluded to in the text.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal night on the Coachella as the Libras set up for a birthday party.<p>

"Hell yeah! It's Yukari's birthday today!" Edmund shouted.

"You're more excited for my sister's birthday than you're excited for your own birthday," Kazura observed.

"Because I'm totally not crushing on Yukari!" Edmund said, saying his words so quickly, nobody understood him. Everybody sweatdropped. "Get behind that couch before I make you get behind said couch."

The Libras then got behind a couch so they could surprise Yukari whenever she came in.

"Cool! Somebody left five bucks under the couch!" Jin-Mao said from behind the couch.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, the Libras were still waiting for Yukari.<p>

"Where's Yukari?!" Edmund asked everyone.

"She probably had to go see a man about a dog," Mason theorized. Everybody looked toward Mason. "Well, I didn't want to say that Yukari's dead!"

"I think I'll check our room. Yukari probably forgot that today was her birthday and went to listen to records alone," Kazura said before he left the room.

"We'd know if she was listening to music alone!" Edmund yelled. Everybody grew silent.

"Seeing a man about a dog? Listening to records alone? In hindsight, Mason's theory makes a lot of sense," Jin-Mao asked.

"Mason is stupid and you shouldn't listen to him," Edmund said bluntly. Kazura then ran into the room, a passed-out Yukari in his arms.

"Surprise! Happy birthday, Yukari!" The Libras yelled. Kazura screamed.

"Yukari won't wake up!" Kazura yelled, setting his older sister on the floor. Alto walked over to Yukari and took her pulse.

"She dead. Party's cancelled," Alto said. Edmund bitch-slapped Alto.

"Alto Jarvis, you didn't even try!" Edmund yelled.

"All of you sluts, shut the hell up!"

Isabella then appeared into the room. Everybody screamed.

"Get the fuck off of our ship!" Edmund yelled to the ghost Capricorn. Isabella sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Look, I passed up catfishing Donquixote Doflamingo for some dank-ass weed for this. As much as we hate each other, I need to help you," Isabella explained. Edmund blinked.

"For the love of Ezra Koenig's selfies, what is going on?" Edmund asked.

"Well, it started when I caught Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren showering together. Don't ask," Isabella said. "Then, I went to Starbucks to get myself a Grande skinny Frappuchino caramel latte with soy whipped cream and artisan rainbow sprinkles, beat some dude up because he was a fedora-wearing Brony, took several selfies, marathoned an entire season of Shameless, wondered when sempai will notice me, and then came here."

"That doesn't tell us why Yukari's dead," Alto pointed out.

"She's not dead!" The rest of the Libras yelled. Isabella sighed.

"I sent her soul to the Ghost World because that was a required, first step in my plan to catfish Doflamingo," Isabella explained. "No, I can't help you. I'm going on a date tonight with a man named 'Netflix'. We're going to stream Portlandia together with a bottle of wine. It will be marvelous."

"Netflix is a streaming service," Kazura pointed out.

"Shut up. You don't know my life story," Isabella said bluntly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go see a man about some boxed wine."

"I thought you said you were going to help us," Edmund pointed out. Isabella rolled her eyes.

"Fine. I'll help you, but I demand payment," Isabella said. Edmund said nothing as he pushed Basil over.

"Take him! We're considering this the equivalent to a virgin sacrifice!" Edmund yelled.

"Dude! Not cool!" Basil yelled. Isabella smiled as she grabbed a prop replica of Chell's gun from Portal and shot a portal (duh) into a wall.

"Welcome to my crib, MTV! Isabella Sarutobi be representing the Ghost World, motherfuckers!" Isabella said before the Libras started to enter the portal. "By the way, Basil, since you were used as payment, you're going to watch the ship. Leave the ship and you will be next to go to the ghost world."

Isabella then went into the portal, leaving Basil alone.

"Alright! Now I can catch up on The Simpsons!" Basil yelled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Libras arrived in the Ghost World, which looked exactly like the deserts of Nevada.<p>

"We're not in Narnia anymore, Aslan…" Edmund commented as he looked around.

"I don't see any ghosts. This is supposed to be a ghost world, not the state of Nevada. I've been lied to, and I think I want to sue for false advertising," Mason commented.

"This isn't false advertising. All of the ghosts are in the Ghost World equivalent to Las Vegas," Isabella answered.

"Do you think Yukari's going to be there?!" Edmund and Kazura asked.

"Yes. So will Edmund's cat that died when he was twelve – I mean, ran away while Edmund and his siblings were at summer camp," Isabella answered sarcastically. Edmund began to cry.

"No! Not Mr. Boo Boo Keys! He was the best cat ever!" Edmund sobbed. Everyone but the Abingdons sweatdropped.

"So… Who runs this place?" Kazura asked.

"Donquixote Doflamingo, duh! He runs everything!" Isabella yelled, waving her hands in the air like she just didn't care. "He even runs the IKEA in Ghost World!"

"And I just got Rhett a job at IKEA Ghost World Las Vegas, or IKEAGWLV," Doflamingo said, putting a hand on Rhett's shoulder. Rhett jumped up and screamed.

"Stranger danger! I need an adult!" Rhett yelled before Doflamingo shoved Rhett into a plastic container from – where else? – IKEA.

"Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, and hide yo' husband because Daddy Doflamingo is assembling a futon from IKEA all up in this bitch!" Doflamingo rapped. "Word!"

Without another word, Doflamingo skipped off. The Libras grew silent – First Yukari, now Rhett was gone.

"So… If Rhett works at IKEA now, does that mean we get free, Swedish meatballs?" Lien asked everyone.

"No. We're busting Rhett's basic ass out of IKEA," Isabella answered flatly.

* * *

><p>One long, "Hiking Through the Desert" sequence later, the Libras and Isabella arrived at Ghost World Las Vegas. To their disappointment, Ghost World Las Vegas looked more like Reno, Nevada, than Las Vegas, Nevada.<p>

"Okay, everybody, I've gotten us the best rooms at Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Ghost World Resort and Casino. If you need us, Edmund and I are going to save Rhett's ass," Isabella explained to the Libras, who shuddered at the mere mention of "Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Ghost World Resort and Casino".

"If you find Yukari, call us. If not… Well, I heard reading the pamphlets in the hotel room was fun," Edmund said before he walked off with the ghost Sarutobi.

"So, what do you think of the hotel?" Isabella asked.

"We haven't even been in the hotel yet, Isabella," Edmund pointed out.

"I know, but it was rated the best hotel in Ghost World Las Vegas on TripAdvisor," Isabella answered. "It costs nearly a thousand ghost bucks to stay a night."

"A THOUSAND ghost bucks?!" Edmund cried. "Isabella, my friends and I are a simple group of hipsters with simple means. We are the same crew who manages to somehow keep Miller clean with his Castile soap and shampoo! Fuck TripAdvisor, because it sounds like they're lying."

Isabella laughed.

"Bitch, please. Doflamingo hooked me up when I told him that somebody was in danger," Isabella said. "We're staying in the room for free on one condition."

Edmund shuddered.

"Because this is Garp's hotel and Donquixote Doflamingo we're talking about, do I want to know what my crew had to do for a free stay at an expensive hotel?" Edmund asked. Isabella sighed.

"All your crew has to do is play songs by a certain artist while they are in the room. Do you know the band MGMT?" Isabella asked. Edmund smiled.

"At least we know my crew is in good hands," Edmund mused.

* * *

><p>With the rest of the Libras, they were camped out in their large room, blasting songs by MGMT on a vintage record player.<p>

"I think we need to go harder than this," Fernando said, lifting the needle off of the record. "We need to play _Kids _and _Electric Feel_."

"That's too softcore. We aren't swingers working for Playboy in the Sixties," Aleksandar pointed out. Everybody sweatdropped.

"Fine. Let's go to Panera Bread," Fernando said.

"Fuck yeah! Panera Bread!" The Libras yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Edmund and Isabella arrived at an IKEA.<p>

"_I'm gonna pop some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket_!" Edmund sang as he and Isabella wandered the maze known as IKEA. Rhett approached them, dressed in the IKEA uniform.

"Sir, you are not allowed to sing _Thrift Shop _inside this store. This is an IKEA, not a – Edmund?!" Rhett cried.

"Rhett, my homie, what's good?" Isabella asked. "Listen, we need you to quit your job here and come roll with us."

"I can't. They give me free, Swedish meatballs," Rhett said in a deadpan tone of voice. Edmund's cell phone then went off.

"Hello?" Edmund asked. "Panera Bread? Hell yeah. Buy me ALL the things at Panera Bread, Fernando!"

Edmund then went silent.

"Stella-Rondo and Jin-Mao are getting married?! The artist and the anime fanboy?! What the fucking hell?!"

Rhett and Isabella sweatdropped.

"Locke and Miller are best men and Aurelia and Daiyu are bridesmaids?! Fernando, that's enough! You're tripping out on the broccoli cheddar soup from Panera Bread!"

Rhett sighed.

"Did you guys find Yukari yet?" Rhett asked. Isabella shook her head.

"Don't ask me," Isabella answered.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Rhett – still in his IKEA uniform -, Isabella, and Edmund arrived at a wedding chapel, where Amelia, Bridey, and Fernando were waiting for them.<p>

"Guys, what the hell is going on?! Did you find Yukari?!" Edmund cried.

"No…" Fernando answered.

"Anyway, this is a wedding on crack. Things got kind of intense at Panera Bread, and it ended with Jin-Mao and Stella-Rondo being forced to get married by orders of Doflamingo," Amelia explained. "Jin-Mao picked Miller and Locke as his best men, and Stella-Rondo picked Aurelia and Daiyu as her bridesmaids. On the bright side, the clerk at Panera Bread gave us free cake pops for the occasion."

"Also, we may or may not be eating Panera Bread every night for dinner for the next month, just so you know," Bridey added. Edmund facepalmed.

"Let's get this crack wedding over with so we can give Stella-Rondo and Jin-Mao a crack divorce," Edmund said as they entered the wedding chapel, where Miller, Locke, Jin-Mao, Stella-Rondo, Aurelia, and Daiyu were standing around the altar, and the rest of the Capricorns were seated. Miller wore a white dress shirt, a black bow tie (because bow ties are cool), a dark-green waistcoat, black dress pants, and black dress shoes, Locke wore the clothing he got dressed in when he woke up that morning, Jin-Mao was cosplaying as Ash Ketchum from Pokémon, Stella-Rondo was in a Ginjinka Solrock dress, Aurelia wore a blue, prom dress, and Daiyu was cosplaying as Misty from Pokémon, Togepi plush included.

"Do I wanna know?" Rhett asked.

"Are you mine?" Jin-Mao asked Stella-Rondo.

"Was it a Mecca Dobber or a betting pencil?" Edmund asked everyone.

"_Fake tales of San Francisco echo through the room!_" Mason sang. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I still don't get what's going on," Edmund stated. "Isabella, did you plan this entire trip into Ghost World, Arctic Monkeys lyrics included?"

Isabella looked up from her iPhone.

"Fuck you. I was this close to beating my high score on 2048," Isabella said.

"What's up, sluts?! Guess who just got out of prison!"

Kuma then entered the room, carrying his ubiquitous LOLCat Bible.

"Let me guess – You're officiating the ceremony," Edmund said.

"Duh!" Kuma said before he opened up his LOLCat Bible. "Cyrus top cat of Persia sayz Ceiling Cat doen gotted meh awl kingdoems of urth; and him wantz me make him a house at Jerusalem, srsly, in Judah. Oh, Hai? Who iz of LOLcats? Ceiling Cat bez wif him, go gets him up tu Judah an maeks a houz for teh Ceiling Cat of Israel, (him iz Ceiling Cat,) which is in Jerusalem. And whos stayz where him goed, let tems gives him silber, bling, an cheezburgers, besides teh other stuff gives tu teh Ceiling Cat house dat iz in Jerusalem…"

A few minutes later…

"a mam iz kwl…" Kuma said, closing his LOLCat Bible. "You may kiss the bride."

Jin-Mao and Stella-Rondo stood there in silence.

"Yay! What a fun, sexy time for you!" Isabella cheered. Everybody sweatdropped.

"I think we should never eat at Panera Bread again," Kazura said as he ate a salad from Panera Bread.

"Kazura, the salad you're eating right now IS from Panera Bread," Edmund pointed out. Kazura gave the salad to Fernando.

"Why do I have a random salad?" Fernando asked everyone. Kazura then dragged Edmund outside of the wedding chapel.

"I didn't sign up for Rhett becoming an IKEA employee, I didn't sign up for Jin-Mao and Stella-Rondo's crack wedding, I didn't sign up for a Capricorn helping us out, I didn't sign up for Yukari ending up here, and I sure as hell didn't sign up for that Panera Bread salad!" Kazura yelled.

"Imagine the honeymoon," Edmund said sardonically. "They'd have a good honeymoon at an anime convention."

"No, imagine the shippers. Would the ship name be 'Jin-Rondo' or 'Stella-Mao'?"

Isabella then approached Kazura and Edmund.

"Found Yukari yet?" Edmund and Kazura asked.

"No. We got booted from the hotel because of the wedding. We're going back on the road," Isabella answered.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras were walking through a forest.<p>

"Watch out for the Drop bears, guys," Isabella said.

"Drop bears? What are those?" Edmund asked. Several koalas then dropped down from the trees. The Libras screamed.

"No! Not the Drop bears!" The Libras cried.

"Kill it with fire!" Mason shouted as a Drop bear picked for lice in his hair.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras defeated the Drop bears and they exited the forest. Nigel and Kipton now wore T-shirts that said "I survived a Drop bear attack and all I got was this T-shirt" and they carried two Drop bears each. Kipton even had a lightsaber in his hand.<p>

"Are we near Yukari yet?" Edmund asked as they approached a castle. Sanji was standing on the roof of the castle.

"Maybe after this castle that reminds me of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail _for some reason," Isabella answered.

"Oh, great. We're going to get taunted in French," Edmund said sarcastically.

"Where do you want to get a healthy snack, Rebecca?" Sanji asked the Libras, who sweatdropped.

"I don't know. Maybe Chipotle," Edmund answered. Sanji then snapped.

"I said a healthy snack, Rebecca!" Sanji shouted a la Billy Mays. A cow then landed on top of Locke.

"Chipotle is healthy…" Locke said before he passed out. Rebecca then approached the group, talking on a cell phone.

"Bitch, I'm trying to go eat at Chipotel today because everyone online said it was good," Rebecca said into her phone.

"You mean 'Chipotle'?" Isabella asked.

"Thank you, bitch, for the autocorrect!" Rebecca screamed into the phone before she threw it at Sanji's head. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Can somebody pull out their iPhone and ask Siri for an ambulance?" Locke asked everyone.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras continued on. Locke was now riding the cow that landed on him like how one rides a horse.<p>

"Yukari, come here! We have food from Chipotel!" Mason yelled.

"It's 'Chipotle', not 'Chipotel'!" The rest of the Libras yelled.

"Did somebody say 'Chipotle'?"

Yukari then appeared, and the Libras cheered.

"Yay! Now we can go home!" The Libras cheered. However, Yukari began to laugh when she saw the outfits Rhett, Jin-Mao, Miller, Daiyu, Stella-Rondo, Aurelia, Nigel, and Kipton were in, the Drop bears, and the cow Locke was riding on.

"What the heck happened while I was gone? Mad party on drugs?!" Yukari asked in-between laughs. Edmund turned to his brother.

"I have failed as Yukari's sempai," Edmund said darkly.

* * *

><p>Edmund then woke up on a couch inside of the Coachella, with Rhett standing above him.<p>

"What happened?" Edmund asked.

"You slept through forty-five minutes of Yukari's birthday party," Rhett answered. Edmund buried his face in his hands.

"I have made a huge mistake," Edmund said to himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Twenty-three days until the Third Anniversary Special!<strong>

**Also, to any Arrested Development fans reading this, happy Cinco de Cuatro.**


	118. Bonney and Law Rent Out Things

**Author's Note: **Bonney and Law's motel centered around electrical outlets burned down, so they had to turn to another hobby Bryce and Lisa from Portlandia took up.

Also, two chapters within an hour. Yay me.

**Disclaimer: I still don't own One Piece and I still don't own Portlandia. However, I wish I could go to Portlandia.**

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day on some island as Law and Bonney sat on a bench in front of some guy's house.<p>

"Hi, I'm Trafalgar Law!" Law introduced himself.

"I'm Jewelry Bonney. Times have gotten tough, and less people are buying things. Know what they do?" Bonney asked.

"Rent it out!" Bonney and Law yelled. Mihawk then exited the house, shotgun in hand.

"Now j00 get off mah lawn!" Mihawk yelled. Law gave him the finger – A finger sandwich.

"Here, we're renting out this sandwich to you. You must be very hungry, Dracule-ya," Law explained. Then, Luffy and Zoro walked by. Zoro was wearing a wedding dress and he was carrying Luffy, bridal-style.

"I'm renting this dress and this fake husband!" Zoro yelled happily.

"Faster, Zoro, faster!" Luffy yelled.

"No, Straw Hat-ya, that is NOT how marriages work!" Law yelled as he chased Luffy and Zoro into the house, where many people were renting things out.

"Mihawk is renting out his staircase because I want to sit on it and contemplate existentialism," Annalease said as she sat on Mihawk's staircase and contemplated existentialism. Chimney then slid down the banister of the staircase.

"Mihawk is renting this staircase banister, because fuck the police!" Chimney yelled. Law and Bonney then walked into the living room.

"Mihawk rented out his chimney so I can be a chimney sweep so I can be considered for a role in a Panic! At the Disco music video!" Heathcliffe said as he came out of the fireplace, covered head-to-toe in soot and dressed as an Edwardian Era chimney sweep.

"I'm renting out this room because the Authoress told me to!" Kazura announced joyfully, dramatically motioning to the living room. "Sorry, ladies, Trafalgar Law and Heathcliffe Sarutobi are not included because Law is running this scam and Heathcliffe is filthy punk. I'm also not included with the room, since selling myself is too mainstream."

"Good Kazura-ya, best hipster…" Law said to himself.

"Also, we can't rent people out, since that's technically slavery or prostitution," Bonney added. "But, we can cut to some paid testimonials."

The scene then cut to the Buggy Pirates, who had censor bars over their eyes to protect their identities.

"I'm usually given these censor bars and voice changers before these chapters start, but now I can rent them for half the cost! Thank you, Law and Bonney!" Buggy said, his voice altered to protect anybody and everybody doing a paid testimonial.

"Buggy-ya, we need those censor bars and voice changers back. Your rental period is over."

"Fuck your couch, Law!" Buggy yelled. "I'm not going to give these back unless we do another parody of _The Black Isle_!"

"We can't. We already did a parody with Amelia-ya. If I'm correct, you and your crew play one of her apartment roommates in the upcoming director's cut."

Buggy said nothing as he gave Law the finger – The lyrics to the Vampire Weekend song _Finger Back_.

"Finger back, bitch!" Buggy yelled.

The scene then cut to Bonney, who was in a car. K-9 from Doctor Who was in the seat next to her.

"Am I a taxi dancer? No, I'm just a girl with some guy's car," Bonney said. "I also found ten bucks and twelve cents in the cup holders, but that's another story."

"We are in a car," K-9 stated.

"Yes, we are in a car. A car that Mihawk is renting out to me because he cares and he is filled with happiness, rainbows, and fluffy kittens," Bonney said.

"We are in a car," K-9 stated again.

"Fat lot of good you are," Bonney said in a fake, British accent.

"We are in a car," K-9 stated yet again.

"Wait a minute… We ARE in a car!" Bonney said before she accidentally crashed the car through Mihawk's house.

"What the hell did you do to my rental house?!" Mihawk cried, waving around a baseball bat.

"I made it prettyful!" Akainu yelled from down the hall.

"I'm now renting out your television so my friends and I can watch Parks and Recreation!" Mason yelled from a few feet away.

"_I crashed your car into your house! I don't care, I love it_!" Bonney sang angrily to Mihawk, who facepalmed.

"Mason…" Mihawk muttered to himself.

* * *

><p>A few days later, Law was renting out his own house.<p>

"Rent it out!" Law yelled before he slid down the banister and crashed into Mason, who was sleeping on the couch.

"What the fuck, man?!" Mason yelled as he woke up.

"Wake up, man! We were going to rent this place out for the big, Cinco de Cuatro party!" Law yelled. Mason then gave Law a cheesy smile and a thumbs-up.

"I approve," Mason said as the rest of the Libras entered, carrying food and drinks.

"Viva Cinco de Cuatro!" Jin-Mao yelled, fist-pumping Jersey Shore style. Bonney then entered the room.

"I rented out this Cinco de Cuatro party before it was cool!" Bonney yelled to the hipster Libras.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, the Cinco de Cuatro party escalated into a very large house party.<p>

"Who rented all of these party goers?!" Law shouted, ducking to avoid a flying office chair.

"I rented that office chair out from Koala!" Nami yelled from across the room. Law facepalmed.

"I'm calling the cops. This party is getting too out of hand," Law said. The Marines then entered the house, riding on Segways.

"Hi! We understand that we needed to be rented out to arrest several dozen people!" Kizaru said from his Segway.

"Who did you rent the Segways from?" Bonney asked. Doflamingo then ran into the room.

"Steve Holt!" Doflamingo yelled before he picked up Bonney's hat and threw it across the room like a Frisbee. "I'm renting out Bonney's hat because it's Cinco de Cuatro!"

Mason then caught Bonney's hat.

"Rent it out!" Mason yelled before he threw the hat towards the Libras. Bonney looked to Law.

"At least the front lawn hasn't been rented out," Bonney said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Bonney and Law sat on a couch on the sidewalk outside of the house. They were watching television.<p>

"God, Ryan Gosling is so mainstream," Law commented in disgust as he ate some Pringles. Blueno then took Law's can of Pringles.

"Pringles – Once you pop, the fun don't stop," Blueno said before he walked away. The house then caught on fire.

"Why does this always happen to us?!" Law asked flippantly. Bonney sighed.

"Wow. SOMEBODY wants to end this chapter," Bonney commented as she watched the Cinco de Cuatro partygoers evacuate the burning house. (1)

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>I did want to end the chapter there, since I got major writers' block with writing the chapter. Had I not had writers' block, this chapter would have been up two months ago.

**Anyway, review because I posted two chapters within an hour.**


	119. Third Anniversary Special!

**Author's Note: **Happy Third Anniversary to this fanfic, and happy first anniversary to the first Yukijima special! Doesn't it feel like I was working on the Second Anniversary Special yesterday?

Speaking of Yukijima specials, here is the order you should read them: Second-and-a-Half Anniversary Special (_The Black Isle _parody), Second Anniversary Special, 100th Chapter Special, Christmas Special, and this chapter. How long is this chapter?

About 16,856 words. Have fun with that, guys.

**Disclaimer: One Piece belongs to Eichiiro Oda. Maeve and her personalities, Basil, and Aldwin belong to The Procrastinator - MasQ. Toru belongs to LazyFoxLover. The Teamocil song belongs to the creators of Arrested Development. I don't own everything else.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day on the Conejo, as the Taurus Pirates docked somewhere. Dragon, Ivankov, Sabo, Koala, and Inzauma waited for them.<p>

"Of course, the Epic Fail Revolutionaries show up first!" Inazuma cried. "I wanted the Pieces Pirates!"

"Inazuma, that is no way to talk to your subordinates!" Artemis yelled.

"It's not my fault!" Inazuma cried. "I hope Merovech-senpai notices me!"

"You're an okama, and Merovech is a Fishman – it's like the best hentai game ever, except neither of you are girls," Kintaro pointed out. Cima turned to the camera.

"This feels like a bad episode of Parks and Recreation. I just wish April Ludgate were here to give me spiritual guidance," Cima said into the camera.

"Did somebody just ship me with Inazuma?"

The Pieces Pirates then approached the group.

"Wegman, Meyer, Kowalski, Wee, Sarutobi, Rondo, Cullen, Goodsprings, Hinshaw, Poulain, Gansevoort, Dimandis, welcome," Dragon said to the Pieces Pirates.

"For the last time, I am NOT named after that penguin from Penguins of Madagascar!" Merovech yelled.

"And I am not a whore!" Helena yelled. Inazuma sweatdropped.

"Anyway, I have brought all of you here today, because… Well… A.A.A. fucked up again," Dragon said bluntly.

"How can A.A.A. fuck up? She's the one that usually takes over this place," Cima asked.

"Well… She may or may not have stolen the Constitution for Yukijima, allowing her to take over the island successfully," Inazuma said nervously. The Revolutionaries grew silent.

"I have the sudden urge to throw Hancock in prison," Cima stated.

"You can't. She's a Shichibukai," Dragon stated.

"We can. We're Revolutionaries," Cima argued.

"Shut up, Cima," Dragon stated.

"When do we get lines?" Koala asked Sabo.

"When I say you can have lines," The Authoress bluntly stated.

* * *

><p>That night, the Revolutionaries got dinner at a Chinese buffet.<p>

"Okay, here's what we need to do," Sabo said, hooking his laptop to the projector. "I want everybody to take notes during this presentation. No drawing parts of the male anatomy and no drawing dinosaurs."

Sabo then turned on the projector, which revealed his desktop picture – fem!Ivankov. The Revolutionaries sweatdropped. "Shut up! It's not like I like Ivankov when he's female! B-B-Baka!"

Sabo then threw his water into Ivankov's face like a classy lady on The Real Housewives of The Revolutionary Army.

"Stop being a boss-ass bitch! It's not fair to my fellow okama!" Ivankov sobbed. A pair of sunglasses then floated onto Sabo's face. Levi from Attack on Titan then entered the room and stood next to Sabo.

"Deal with it," Levi said as he flashed a peace sign. Levi then walked away, with Eren following him.

"OMG, Levi! I thought I was special! Notice me, Heichou-senpai!" Eren cried as he followed Levi. Mikasa and Armin followed Eren as the Revolutionaries sweatdropped.

"I think we're done here. Why did we need to reference Attack on Titan?" Tobias asked. Sabo said nothing as he brought up a Powerpoint, which only said the following in rainbow-colored Comic Sans font:

**I think it would be a good idea that we get the Straw Hats, the Capricorn Pirates, and the Libra Pirates to help us. We can defeat A.A.A. with the power of friendship!**

The Revolutionaries sweatdropped for the billionth time that day.

"I don't get paid enough for this," Cima stated.

"Ditto. I'd rather bring back My Chemical Romance than save Yukijima from a crazy girl," Tobias said in agreement.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras were docking at Yukijima.<p>

"_Hello, darkness, my old friend…_" Edmund sang to himself as he got dressed.

"Edmund, your breakfast is getting cold!"

"I'm not going to Yukijima!" Edmund yelled back.

"Miller made pancakes! Lumberjack-style pancakes!"

"Okay, fine, Rhett! I'm in!" Edmund yelled back as he made his way down the hall. When he got into the kitchen, he saw Rhett washing the dishes. "Rhett, do you think this is a fucking game? Where are my pancakes?!"

"There were no pancakes. That was a lie to get you out of your room," Rhett explained. "But, breakfast has started. There may be pancakes."

Edmund sighed as he and Rhett walked over to the dining area, where the rest of the Libras were eating breakfast.

"Good morning, everybody," Edmund greeted everyone as he and his brother sat down. The Libras remained silent.

"So… I think you already know where we're docked…" Rhett said.

"Don't remind us," Kazura stated. Edmund said nothing as he put some pancakes onto his plate.

"By the way, Fernando actually made the pancakes, not Miller," Rhett whispered to Edmund.

* * *

><p>On the Thousand Sunny, the docking at Yukijima was met with the same enthusiasm.<p>

"**Fact: In the 1990's in France, a rock band got together and broke up shortly afterward. Half of the members became Daft Punk, and the other half of the members became the indie-electro band Phoenix,**" Cube said.

"Sugoi! We're back in Yukijima! I hope we'll have fun this time!" Luffy said. Nami then bitch-slapped Luffy.

"How dare you say that, Luffy! Yukijima is anything BUT fun!" Nami yelled.

* * *

><p>Back with the Libras, they were having a crew meeting before they set out.<p>

"I've been thinking…" Yukari said. "Isn't today day one of the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival?"

Upon mention of the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival, the Libras became interested.

"I like where this is going…" Mason said. Yukari then pulled out some tickets.

"I just spent tons of the Capricorns' money on these tickets! Now who's laughing?!" Yukari announced. Everybody cheered.

"Good, because if you didn't get those tickets, I would've gate-crashed the festival," Mason said. Edmund hugged Yukari.

"Good Yukari. Best Miyafuji," Edmund said to himself.

* * *

><p>That night, in the ballroom at the Yukijima Marriott…<p>

"Captain's Log, starting 90210!" Sabo announced to Koala, Dragon, Ivankov, Inazuma, the Taurus, the Pieces, the Aquarius, and the Sagittariuses. Everybody sweatdropped.

"Can I be Ryker?" Togo asked.

"No, because I'm already Ryker!" Wu-Ren yelled.

"Can I be whoever Benedict Cumberbatch played in _Star Trek: Into Darkness_?" Kenneth asked.

"You mean Khan? No, you can't," Cima answered. "You can be a Red Shirt."

"I don't want to die! I'm not a Red Shirt!" Kenneth yelled.

"I'm still Ryker! Anybody who wants to be Ryker can fight me for it!" Wu-Ren yelled. Dragon slammed his fist onto the podium.

"Everybody, shut up!" Dragon yelled. The Revolutionaries grew silent.

"Can I be Ryker?" Togo asked again.

"No!" Everyone else answered back.

"Now, I'm sure you've heard what happened in Yukijima. If not – Well, A.A.A. stole the Constitution for Yukijima, and the Constitution for Yukijima dictates that whoever has it rules Yukijima," Dragon explained.

"That's bollocks! Bollocks!" Malachy yelled.

"Shut up!" Dragon yelled. In response, everybody turned quiet. "I'm sure you're also aware of the Three-Pirate Alliance we have formed to bring down A.A.A. No, it is not any of you."

Artemis raised her hand.

"Dragon, you DO know which two crews are in the alliance, right?" Artemis asked.

"I'm aware of that, Artemis. That's why there are three crews in the alliance – One of those crews has to make sure the two crews get along," Dragon explained. "Our first meeting will be in an hour. Please bring your weapons, and maybe some pepper spray."

* * *

><p>An hour later…<p>

"I don't get why random parts of the room are partitioned off," Nami commented as the Straw Hats entered the room.

"**Fact: The city of Chongqing, China, has the distinction of 'Most Heavily Bombed City in the World'**," Cube said as the Straw Hats sat down.

"Ooh! Maybe it's part of some show!" Luffy said.

"Isn't the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival going on right now? Maybe this is part of the festival," Sanji asked.

"No, because the Libras would be here," Robin answered.

"Maybe we're going to see a movie!" Chopper guessed.

"Why would the room be portioned off for a movie?" Usopp asked.

"It's probably one of those movies where they show three different endings," Maeve said with a shrug.

"Do you think this may be some magic trick?" Brook asked.

"I don't think so, Brook. It has to be an illusion, not a trick. Tricks are what whores do for money," Maeve explained.

"Or cotton candy," Chopper added. Before anybody could react to Chopper, Dragon walked onto the stage.

"Welcome, everybody!" Dragon announced. Luffy then stood onto his chair.

"Hi, dad!" Luffy yelled before Nami pulled him back down. Dragon sweatdropped.

"Anyway, you're all here tonight because of what recently happened – A.A.A. stole the Constitution for Yukijima, and she now rules over Yukijima," Dragon explained.

"Of course," Sanji said under his breath.

"Of course, it's my Sitcom Arch-Nemesis," Maeve said under her breath.

"With that in mind, the Revolutionary Army has created a Three-Pirate Resistance Cell system to bring down A.A.A. There are two other pirate crews in this room beside you, and they will serve as your alliance," Dragon explained. "Lower the partitions!"

The partitions lowered, revealing two, familiar crews.

"Are you kidding me?! I'm not working with them! I want out of this alliance!"

"Do we seriously have to work with that arrogant bunch of hipsters?!"

"Will the two of you just get along for once?!" Nami yelled to both of the crews who joined them – the Capricorns and the Libras. Everybody grew silent, save for crickets chirping somewhere.

"Oh, and we have two others who wanted to do this," Dragon said.

"I want no part in this."

"I never wanted to do this!"

Two more, familiar faces came into the room.

"Aldy! Baby brother!" Maeve yelled. "I didn't know you were in town!"

"We were bribed by the Revolutionaries," Basil explained. "And, by 'bribed', we mean 'blackmailed with embarrassing photos of us at that Christmas party'."

Maeve turned to Aldwin.

"Aldy, do you know what this means?!" Maeve asked.

"The Capricorns and Libras are going to kill each other out of hate?" Aldwin asked. Maeve smiled.

"Nope! This alliance is like the best episode of Arrested Development ever! I call dibs on Maeby and you be George-Michael, 'kay?" Maeve asked.

"What about me?" Basil asked. Maeve pointed to her baby brother.

"You're Egg," Maeve answered.

"Who's Egg?" Basil asked.

"Her," Maeve answered.

"Who's Her?!" Basil yelled.

"Egg!" Maeve shouted.

"Is Egg Her?" Aldwin asked.

"Her is Egghog – I mean, Herhog – I mean, Egg – I mean, Her!" Maeve yelled. Aldwin and Basil sweatdropped.

"Don't you mean Annhog?" Aldwin asked.

"Of course, I meant Ann," Maeve answered.

"Her?" Basil asked. Maeve slapped her forehead.

"Ann Veal is Her! Ann Veal is Egg! Ann Veal is Annhog! Ann Veal is Egghog! Ann Veal is Herhog! Got that?!" Maeve yelled. Basil and Aldwin grew silent.

"So… If Ann Veal isn't Her, then who is Her? Is she that iPod from the movie _Her_?" Basil asked. Maeve slapped Basil in response. (1)

"Ask the Libras that question! They've seen _Her_ four times!" Maeve yelled as she pointed to the Libras, who were sitting in a circle and listening to records. Locke looked over and waved to Aldwin, Basil, and Maeve. "Hey, guys!"

"Hi, Maeve!" Kazura said before he turned back to his crew. "Fuck this. Fuck this entire trip to Yukijima, save for the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival."

* * *

><p>The next afternoon, the Libras arrived at the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival, various items in tow.<p>

"Where is everybody? I expected to see more people," Edmund asked.

"Well, the main acts don't start until three," Yukari said.

"We call mosh pit!" Aleksandar and Mason yelled as they ran closer to the stage. The rest of the Libras sweatdropped as they followed the two Sarutobis.

"So… What act are we seeing first?" Edmund asked as the Libras laid down some vintage quilts. Not blankets, since blankets aren't vintage enough. "Let's see Parent Teacher Conference (PTC) first."

"Parent Reaper Conference," Yukari said.

"You Sank my Battleship," Kazura said.

"SixMouth," Stella-Rondo said.

"Door Number Two," Rhett said.

"Jump 5," Amelia said.

"Connect Four," Bridey said.

"Scarecrow Boat!" All of the Libra Sarutobis said.

"Doom Engine Nine!" Jin-Mao said.

"Average Fish," Marlene said.

"Bear Wolves," Miller said.

"Mouse Rat!" All of the Libras said. They then laughed.

"Alright, alright, alright. Scarecrow Boat it is," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the Yukijima Marriott…<p>

"**Fact: Peanut butter was once served as slices like Kraft singles,**" Cube said as the Capricorns barged into Maeve's room.

"Family bonding time!" The Capricorns announced. Maeve blinked.

"…Do you want my crew to come over?" Maeve asked, not looking up from her iPhone.

"_Maeve, are those the Capricorns? Why are they –_"

"Baby brother, I'll explain everything later. Remember that you still owe me a chemistry set, unleaded gasoline, a beaker of Paradichlorobenzene – yes, like the Vocaloid song -, and some Double Stuf Oreos. I'll see you soon," Maeve said before she hung up on Basil. "So, what's up?"

"Have you seen those annoying hipsters anywhere? We need them because we're in deep trouble, and hipsters make the perfect scapegoats," Wolfgang asked.

"You mean Law and Bonney? I think I saw them in town. Let me go look for them," Maeve said before she left the hotel room. Wolfgang facepalmed.

"I meant the Libras!" Wolfgang shouted after Maeve. Maeve returned five seconds later.

"Oh, yeah! Come to think of it, I haven't seen or heard from the Libras all day! Thanks for reminding me that I should go find them!" Maeve said before she left. The Capricorns sweatdropped.

"I like Maeve. She's my spirit animal," Daisuke said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, with the Libras…<p>

"Has anybody seen Teru anywhere?!" Edmund asked everybody.

"Teru? She wanted to go see Catnapped. You know, that one, hipster band that uses a cat using a scratching post as an instrument," Kazura explained.

"That's all I needed to know," Edmund said blankly. "Say, I'm going to go get some snacks. Who wants something?"

Kazura handed Edmund five bucks.

"Buy us some artisan pretzels with that organic, cheese dip," Kazura requested as Edmund walked away from the Libras' camp. Kazura then turned to Yukari. "I lied to Edmund. Teru went to go find Soren so they could have sex together. Edmund is better off not knowing this."

Yukari just nodded.

"I hope Edmund comes back in time to see The Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals," Yukari said.

* * *

><p>Back with Maeve…<p>

"I couldn't find Law and Bonney, nor could I find the Libras. But, I found these guys," Maeve said to the Capricorns as Aldwin and Basil followed her.

"I don't even understand what's going on," Aldwin stated.

"I don't, either. I'll never understand what goes on here in Yukijima," Basil said.

"You wanted to see us?"

The Straw Hats then entered the hotel lobby.

"We're in trouble," Yuki-Rin stated. "A.A.A. stole the Constitution for Yukijima, and her reign over Yukijima begins today."

Everybody grew silent.

"So… We can just get it back, like what Nic Cage did in _National Treasure_," Maeve said. Yuki-Rin facepalmed.

"This has nothing to do with Nicolas Cage! We're in legitimate trouble!" Yuki-Rin yelled.

"What's so bad about A.A.A. stealing an artifact, Yuki-san? It's just a piece of paper stating what Yukijima is," Robin asked. Wolfgang slapped Robin.

"And YOU'RE the historian?!" Wolfgang cried. "I've seen better historians on Wikipedia, and they're the ones who edit Wikipedia pages!"

Kartik sighed.

"Basically, whoever has the Constitution of Yukijima runs Yukijima. A.A.A. is now running Yukijima," Kartik calmly explained. The Straw Hats grew silent.

"**Fact: A young Bill Clinton met former United States President John F. Kennedy,**" Cube said.

"A.A.A.? Running Yukijima? I can take that. We'll defeat her like we did the last four times," Maeve said apathetically.

"Last three times. The last time was just some dream I had where the Capricorns were a resistance cell that got whored out, Amelia saw ghosts, and lots of references to Supernatural and Parks and Recreation were made," Nami corrected. (2)

"That dream sounds more fucked up than it does in context," Heathcliffe stated.

"It was. It was so fucked up, Basil even ran a home shopping network," Nami said. Everybody grew silent.

"So… How are we going to get the Constitution back from A.A.A.?" Aldwin asked everybody.

"We need the Libras for this. We tried to get a hold of my Revolutionary friends, but they were busy," Aria explained.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Revolutionaries were… Doing arts and crafts.<p>

"I made a birdhouse!" Annalease yelled, holding out a birdhouse. Everybody "oohed" and "aahed".

"I hope Pratt-sempai notices my bird feeder," Sabo said to himself, looking at the colorful bird feeder he painted. Sabo then looked up to the camera. "'Bird feeder' is not a euphemism for anything. Get your minds out of the gutter."

* * *

><p>Back with the Straw Hats and Capricorns…<p>

"We don't even know where the Libras are!" Kartik and Sanji yelled.

"Too bad! We're sending you two because you're dressed classy!" Nami yelled. Usopp raised his hand.

"I Volunteer as Tribute!" Usopp yelled. Nami turned to Usopp. "I mean… I think I know where the Libras are. Let me go with Kartik and Sanji."

* * *

><p>A half-hour later, Kartik, Sanji, and Usopp arrived at the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival.<p>

"The Yukijima Hipster Music Festival?!" Kartik cried. "I knew my kids would be here for some reason!"

"Of course they would be here," Sanji said. "Where else would they be? Hancock's brothel/nightclub?"

Sanji, Kartik, and Usopp walked up to the festival gates.

"Oi! You don't even have passes!" Bartolomeo, one of the security guards, yelled.

"We're a band!" Sanji yelled.

"What band?!" Bartolomeo asked. Sanji grew silent.

"The… The…" Sanji stuttered.

"We're called 'The…' It's named after that one gag from that one Spongebob episode where Spongebob procrastinated on an essay about what not to do at a stoplight," Usopp explained. Bartolomeo blinked.

"Head on in," Bartolomeo said. Sanji, Usopp, and Kartik proceeded into the festival.

"Wow, Usopp, how did you come up with the name?" Sanji asked.

"Netflix," Usopp answered. "I also considered naming our band 'Treat Yo' Self', 'The Girlie Show With Tracey Morgan', 'Eat the Rude', 'Lawrence, Kansas, Twenty-Two Years Ago'. 'Put a Bird on It', 'Bluth's Banana Stand', 'Attack on Titan', 'The Tributes of District 12', 'The Authoress Hates Jace Wayland from Mortal Instruments', 'Sherlock Scan', 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo', and 'Wibbley-Wobbley, Timey-Wimey Stuff'."

Sanji and Kartik grew silent.

"Okay… Now, will you take me to my kids from the future?" Kartik asked.

* * *

><p>With the Libras, they were watching The Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals, Law, Bonney, and Sabo's post-indiealternative band.

"_Yvan eht nioj!_" Law angrily screamed/sang into the microphone. (3)

"_Wait… Wasn't I just making arts and crafts with the Revolutionaries?_" Sabo thought to himself. A few feet away…

"I think I found Edmund! I recognize that Vampire Weekday T-shirt anyway!" Kartik yelled. Edmund was exactly a foot away from his father.

"It's Vampire Weekend, dad!" Edmund yelled.

"Son, there you are!" Kartik yelled over the loud music. "We need to have a talk!"

"Don't tell me something happened involving A.A.A.!" Edmund yelled back.

"Something did happen involving A.A.A., and we need your help," Sanji stated. "She stole the Constitution to Yukijima, and now she rules Yukijima. We need to take Yukijima back from her."

Edmund blinked.

"Wasn't that the plot of the movie _National Treasure_? You know, the one where Nic Cage stole the Declaration of Independence," Edmund asked. Sanji, Usopp, and Kartik sweatdropped. "Anyway, my friends and I are actually busy right now. Try again after the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival ends."

Edmund walked away. Kartik grew silent.

"We'll take you back to your hotel," Usopp said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, A.A.A. gathered up her many, villain friends for a secret meeting.<p>

"Captain Morgan, Kuro, Don Krieg, Arlong, Baroque Works, Chessmarimo, Wapol, Crocodile, Doflamingo and his family, Eneru, Cipher Pol 9, Spandam, Gecko Moria, Bartholomew Kuma, Magellan, Hody Jones, Van Der Decken, Caesar Clown, Blackbeard Pirates, Stockholm Syndrome Pirates, Dracule Mihawk, Shikari, Professor Bixby, Captain Kuro of the Tuxedo Penguin Pirates, Gen Farraday, the Dragon Lady, and – last but not least – Boa Hancock, I welcome you all," A.A.A. said.

"Where's my porn?! You promised me porn!" Moria yelled. A.A.A. sighed.

"I never promised you porn," A.A.A. said. "Also, where are Saint Sarutobi II and his wife?"

"They – apparently – live in 221B Baker Street with their adopted sock monkey son. I visited them yesterday, and they aren't evil anymore," Mihawk explained.

"I thought they died in a house fire," Yuriko said.

"You don't know that!" Arlong yelled, leading to an argument.

"Everybody, shut up!" A.A.A. yelled. All the villains grew silent. "Now, for our initial plan, the Dragon Lady, Hancock, and I will do it, since we were all villains of Yukijima specials. The rest of you… Go book the venue and pay the catering companies. And, some of you may have to be on clean up duty afterwards."

Van Der Decken then raised his hand.

"A.A.A. recognizes her friend, Van Der Decken!"

"Pastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Van Der Decken said in the voice of Italy from Hetalia.

* * *

><p>Back at the Yukijima Marriott…<p>

"I am so sick of this bullshit!" Sanji yelled as he and Usopp entered the hotel.

"Having fun yet, Dartboard Brow?" Zoro asked.

"Fuck no, I am not!" Sanji yelled. "I am sick and tired of those shitty hipsters! We have been nothing but nice to them, and this is the thanks we get! We're all going to die, and it's all because the Libras wanted to go to a shitty, hipster, music festival!"

"Cook-san, don't hate the Libras because they're hipsters," Robin said sternly.

"Robin's right, Sanji. The Libras are always doing cool things," Maeve said. Sanji grew silent.

"Everybody, get into my room! We're having a Roman-styled or[waffle breakfast]y!" Sanji yelled. Everybody gasped.

"Sanji, you are a terrible excuse for a father! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Zoro yelled.

"I hope I can put ice cream on my waffles!" Maeve yelled angrily. Sanji sweatdropped.

"I mean – We're having an emergency crew meeting in my room! No waffles!" Sanji yelled. Maeve frowned.

"**Fact: A radio station played the N.W.A. song _Express Yourself _on a twenty-four hour loop to protest the fact that they got banned from playing another N.W.A. song – _Fuck Tha Police_**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>With the Capricorns…<p>

"There, there. I'm sure we'll think of something," Matsu said to Kartik, who was crying.

"How can we?!" Kartik sobbed. "We're all going to die! My son from the future doesn't want to help us!"

"That's because he, his siblings, and his friends are arrogant-as-fuck hipsters! They can't be bothered to help us!" Wolfgang yelled.

"For one of the few times in my life, I ACTUALLY agree with Shitty Katsuragi! I am sick of going to Yukijima, only for Hancock and A.A.A. to kidnap us, dress us up like lambs to the slaughter, and attempt to pimp us out as the Libras and Maeve rescue us! This makes me wish that the Libras were the ones being pimped out!" Enlai ranted.

"Except they'll bitch about how being pimped out is 'too mainstream'," Karin argued.

"I'm sure there's something we can do to save Yukijima ourselves," Yuki-Rin said. Then, her cell phone went off.

"_Baka, baka, baka –_"

The Capricorns sweatdropped as Yuki-Rin picked up the phone.

"Hello? Yeah, we'll be right there. Thanks, Sanji," Yuki-Rin said before she hung up. "That was Sanji. He needs us for an important meeting right now."

"Why is your ringtone _Triple Baka_?" Daisuke asked.

"That's not important right now, Daisuke. Right now, there are more important things at stake," Yuki-Rin explained as the Capricorns filed out of the room.

"Yep. Like a lamb to the slaughter," Daisuke remarked before he followed his nakama.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, with the Revolutionaries…<p>

"Good evening, and welcome to Denny's. May I take your order?" Spandam asked.

"Can we get some coffee to start?" Dragon asked.

"Okay. Anything else?" Spandam asked.

"What's the special for today?" Dragon asked.

"Dragon, no!" Artemis yelled.

"It's the Grand Slammich. It consists of two eggs, a sausage, some bacon, some ham, some mayonnaise, some cheese, and maple spread, all inside of a sandwich. They're very popular," Spandam explained.

"That sounds gross!" Kintaro yelled.

"I'm putting you down for a Grand Slammich," Spandam stated.

"I want pancakes," Sabo said.

"I can slip some pancakes into your Grand Slammich," Spandam said. The Revolutionaries got up.

"We're going to go order some pizza instead. Good night," Dragon said before the Revolutionaries left the Denny's.

* * *

><p>Back at the meeting of the villains, A.A.A sneezed.<p>

"I think we need to kick Spandam out of our plans," A.A.A. stated.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Leos were docking at Yukijima.<p>

"I've made a huge mistake…" Leo said to himself as he got off of the boat and noticed that he and his crew docked at Yukijima. A.A.A. and Hancock then approached them, carrying handcuffs.

"Peony Chung, Leo Sarutobi, Jessamine Vanes, Sawyer Lockyer, Yvonne Imlay, Cary Morgenstern, Alabama Sarutobi, and Keating Cullen, you are all under arrest under the new management running Yukijima! As I take the time to put handcuffs on you, Hancock will read you your rights," A.A.A. explained before she began putting handcuffs on the Leos.

"I've made a huge mistake!" Leo sobbed.

* * *

><p>Later that day, the Aries Pirates were watching a movie at the revival theater – <em>Dudley Do-Right<em>.

"Why must feel-good family movies about the Canadian Mounties always make me cry?!" Beal sobbed. The movie then paused and the lights turned on.

"What's going on?" Aomame asked everybody.

"_Will Terrance Katell, Leira Aries, Donovan Tan, Aomame Kirigaya, Stanton Milliken, Kim Tyrell, Yohan Katsuragi, Indie Van Horn, Beal Myles, and Llewellyn O'Dair please report to the lobby? You are all arrested under A.A.A.'s new regimen._"

The Sound of Drums then went off.

"Oh, terrific. Somebody voted Harry Saxon into office," Beal said sarcastically as the Aries proceeded to the lobby. (4)

* * *

><p>That night, Linus decided to visit a sketchy, Motel 6 in the bad part of town.<p>

"I'm Tom Bodette and we'll leave the light on for you," Coby – the security guard – said as Linus walked past him. Linus then approached a room and opened the door, revealing… Daft Punk. Linus sweatdropped.

"Daft Punk? You two were the hookers from the Craigslist ad?" Linus asked. "Daft Punk" then removed their helmets, revealing Hancock and A.A.A. "Okay. Now we're talking."

A.A.A. then pulled out a gun.

"Linus Forsythe, under my new reign over Yukijima, you're under arrest!" A.A.A. yelled.

"Wait – What?! All I did was respond to an ad asking for a good time! Are you a cop?! If you are, you have to tell me!" Linus yelled.

"Linus, what are you doing at this sketchy Motel 6?"

The rest of the Geminis entered the room. A.A.A. turned to Linus' crew.

"Pomponia Crowley, Jack Yuen, Greta Chalfant-Richelieu, Arvin Pinark, Yue Song, Deuce Greendale, Percy Hightower, Fallon McLaughlin, you're all under arrest for association to Linus Forsythe," A.A.A. explained.

"What?! Linus, were you involved with another prostitution ring?!" Pomponia cried. A.A.A. and Hancock sweatdropped as Fallon snuck off in the background.

"Ma'am, do we look like we run a prostitution ring?" Hancock asked. A.A.A. said nothing as she began to handcuff the Geminis.

"I'm in charge of Yukijima now. You will be held in prison until I say so," A.A.A. explained.

"Umaasa ako mamatay sa iyo sa isang kahon factory sunog, asshole!" Arvin yelled, flipping off A.A.A. (5)

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Fallon ran to the Scorpios' ship, hoping his other crew could help him.<p>

"Guys, I –" Fallon yelled before he noticed his crew getting handcuffed by A.A.A. "What the hell?!"

"Oh, and Fallon McLaughlin is arrested for evading capture," A.A.A. said, sounding very bored.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Leos, Aries, Geminis, and Scorpios were bonding together in their jail cell.<p>

"Royal flush, bitches!" Keating yelled, showing off the Royal Flush hand he got while playing poker.

"Fuck you! This game isn't fun anymore!" Souma yelled as he threw his hand of cards to the ground.

"Hi, guys! We're going to have so much fun together in this prison cell!"

A.A.A. then pushed Meggie, Thorn, Dane, Hugh, Patrick, Alistair, Asa, Briony, Siobhan, Citron, and Cable into the jail cell. A.A.A. then returned five seconds later.

"On second thought, everybody BUT Thorn can go. However, you may not leave Yukijima under any reason," A.A.A. explained. Thorn pouted as the rest of his cell mates left.

"_And now, a word from our sponsors!_"

The scene then cut to Aldwin, Jodie, and Maeve, who were standing on a stage at a dive bar. All three of them wore hippie/60's clothing.

"_There's no 'I' in 'Teamocil', at least not where you'd think. So, together, let's make a choice –_" Aldwin sang.

"_And for once, we'll be in sync!_" Maeve sang.

"_Teamocil…_" Aldwin sang.

"_I never thought I knew you well…_" Maeve sang.

"_Teamocil…_" Aldwin sang.

"_But now I think we're really gel…_" Maeve sang.

"_Teamocil!_" Maeve and Aldwin sang.

"Teamocil is no longer available. Please try either Groupug, Bondat, or consult with your Wellness Guide," Jodie said into the microphone before she began hitting a woodblock aggressively.

"More cowbell!" Somebody in the audience yelled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Straw Hats and the Capricorns were having a secret meeting.<p>

"Is mayonnaise an instrument?" Daisuke asked Nami.

"No, Daisuke, mayonnaise is not an instrument," Nami said flatly. Daisuke blinked. "Horseradish is not an instrument either."

"Is this the part where we start kicking?" Luffy asked.

"No, Luffy, that a chorus line," Nami answered.

"Kicking?! I want to do some kicking!" Enlai said before he got up and kicked Wolfgang in the crotch.

"You bastard!" Wolfgang yelled before he chased Enlai out of the hotel. Enlai returned a few minutes later, his entire body stuffed inside of a trombone.

"Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on," Enlai announced. Nami sighed.

"We'll try this again later! Go get lunch or something!" Nami yelled.

* * *

><p>Later, that evening, the Capricorns and Straw Hats tried their meeting again.<p>

"I brought the snacks," Daisuke announced, carrying in several boxes of food.

"Hey, I brought snacks, too!" Sanji said, pulling out more boxes of food.

"What did you guys bring?" Usopp asked. Sanji and Daisuke then took out several bags of Chex Mix from the box.

"_Chex Mix – Number one food snack in the land! It's the cereal taste you eat with your hand! Chex Mix – At the local grocer, buy a box! Your family will all say 'Chex Mix rocks'!_" Sanji and Daisuke sang. Everyone else sweatdroppped.

"Chex Mix sucks," Dewey said trollingly. Daisuke shot a dirty look to the shota.

"You sit on a throne of lies," Daisuke said darkly.

"Anyway…" Nami said, changing the subject away from Chex Mix. "What are we going to do about A.A.A? She sent several crews to jail for no reason, then she released them. That's how outrageous her power is."

"Knowing her, she's going to hire us as prostitutes, then fire us before we meet our clients," Heathcliffe said.

"Yeah, something like that," Nami said.

"Excuse you," Heathcliffe said under his breath. Nami glared at Heathcliffe. "I mean, what are we going to do?"

"Let's get naked!" Luffy suggested.

"No, Luffy, you and I agreed to do that if we were going to sell real estate," Zoro stated.

"We could form a protest rally," Robin suggested.

"No, because those hipsters known as the 'Libra Pirates' will do that," Zoro stated.

"We could form a resistance movement," Heathcliffe suggested.

"No, Heathcliffe, you can't have cookies right now. You'll spoil your dinner," Zoro stated.

"Fuck you! I already ate dinner!" Heathcliffe asked, a bag of Oreos appearing on his lap.

"You know, Heathcliffe has a point, Zoro. A resistance cell is –" Nami said before Robin cut her off.

"Heathcliffe-san gets us. His plan will be the only one that works," Robin explained bluntly. Zoro then screamed like a little girl.

"But I was going to force A.A.A. to listen to Justin Bieber!" Zoro cried.

"Fuck Justin Bieber! Make her listen to Bring me the Horizon!" Heathcliffe yelled. "No, wait – Make A.A.A. listen to the entirety of _Welcome to the Black Parade_. Wait until she gets to _Mama_."

"Believe me – I don't even listen to My Chemical Romance, and I still cried during _Mama_," Aki said in agreement.

"Plus, afterwards, I can help you hide the bodies," Heathcliffe said cheerfully. Everybody else sweatdropped.

* * *

><p>Maeve sneezed.<p>

"I think I missed something important," Maeve said. It was the next afternoon, and she was at Starbucks with Basil and Aldwin.

"**Fact: Capybaras can stay submerged in water for five minutes,**" Cube said.

"Yeah, the Capricorns and Straw Hats were gone for no reason last night," Aoi said in agreement.

"And the Libras were too busy at their hipster festival," Bullet added. As if on cue, Yukari and Kazura entered the Starbucks. "Speak of the Devil – I spy several hipsters."

"You guys look cheery," Maeve commented.

"Guess who we just met!" Yukari said.

"Some obscure music artist I don't know about," Aldwin answered sarcastically.

"Yep! We just met The Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals, and they invited us to some party tonight!" Kazura said. Maeve blinked.

"That's just a band Law, Bonney, and Sabo are in because of the last Yukijima special. You know, the one where Basil turned into Ron Swanson," Maeve explained.

"I turned into Ron Swanson?" Basil asked.

"It's a long story. You also ran a home shopping network," Maeve explained. Yukari, Kazura, Aldwin, and Basil sweatdropped.

"**Fact: Michael Cera voiced Brother Bear in the animated adaptation of The Bernstein Bears**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>That night, the Straw Hats and Capricorns, all decked out in formal, Strong World-esque wear, attended a party at a swanky hotel.<p>

"Okay, who invited the hipsters?" Enlai asked, pointing to the casually-dressed Libras, Maeve, Aldwin, and Basil entering the hotel.

"I don't think they're going to our party, so we're good," Sanji said.

"I feel bad that we didn't invite Maeve, but then again, not inviting her was for our own good," Nami explained.

"Hey, this place has bacon-wrapped shrimp!" Luffy said, using his Devil Fruit powers to grab an entire tray of bacon-wrapped shrimp from a table. Nami sighed.

"I just hope everything goes well tonight," Nami said to herself.

"Why didn't we get lines yet?" Chopper, Franky, and Brook asked.

"Because everything about the shitty place known as 'Yukijima' sucks," Sanji answered.

* * *

><p>Upstairs, with the Libras' party…<p>

"We'll be right back. We have to do an encore of last night's set, so we should be back in an hour. Don't be naughty children," Law explained before he left with Bonney and Sabo.

"Naughty children? Really?" Basil asked everyone.

"They must think we're going to do something drastic, like, I don't know, shoplift from American Apparel like that Tao Lin novel," Aleksandar said. (6)

"Or, that we're going to go out onto the street and perform _Wonderwall _for money," Edmund added.

"Why would we even do that?" Miller asked.

"Because I don't want to attend a party overlooking a party the Capricorns are attending," Edmund explained.

"What are you talking about?" Yukari asked. Edmund motioned to the balustrade overlooking the lower floor, where the Capricorns' party was going. Curious, the Libras walked over, watching the spectacle.

"They can see you guys!" Aldwin whispered. Maeve and Basil said nothing as they joined the Libras.

"I don't think they care, Aldwin. Now, do you want to come spy on the Capricorns with us, or do you want to just sit there and be bored?" Edmund asked. Aldwin sighed as he walked over to the group of hipsters.

"If they see us and talk behind our backs about this, I'm out," Aldwin explained. Everybody grew silent.

"What's A.A.A. doing here? Isn't she supposed to do evil stuff toward Yukijma?" Maeve asked.

"And why is Yuki-Rin talking to her?" Aldwin asked.

"I bet she's pleaded NOT to be prostituted by her," Kazura said. Edmund snickered.

"God, this party is a farce," Edmund remarked to himself before speaking a bit louder. "Oi, Yuki-Rin, that's not going to work! You'll still be prostituted because it's A.A.A.!"

The Libras laughed, and Yuki-Rin looked up. A few seconds later, Yuki-Rin looked away because reasons. Or because cake, but the cake was a lie.

"Wouldn't that hurt Yuki-Rin's feelings?" Aoi asked.

"Who cares?! It's the Capricorns! We hate them, remember?" Edmund asked.

"And, it's my Sitcom Archnemisis who just took over Yukijima. There's no telling what will –" Maeve said before Cube interrupted her.

"**Fact: It snows metal on Venus,**" Cube said.

"Shut up, Cube!" Everybody yelled.

"Maeve… What's your crew doing here?" Aldwin asked, pointing to the Straw Hats doing the Bluth Chicken Dance from Arrested Development. The Libras looked down.

"What the hell is going on?! Are they seriously THAT desperate to win A.A.A.'s approval?!" Edmund cried.

"Looks like it," Maeve commented. Edmund just walked away from the group.

"Where are you going?" Stella-Rondo asked.

"Downstairs. I have had enough of this farce, and we're going to be in trouble if it keeps up," Edmund said before he left the party. The Libras remained silent.

"I can make everybody crepes. Who wants one?" Leon asked.

* * *

><p>Downstairs…<p>

"Stop the party right now!" Edmund yelled. Everybody grew silent as they turned to the casually-dressed hipster Abingdon.

"I didn't know they allowed hipsters who dress like lower-class peasants to this party," Heathcliffe commented. Edmund glared at Heathcliffe.

"You say something, pretty-boy?" Edmund asked. "I can't believe you're ACTUALLY stooping so low as to support these people. They're trying to kill us."

"Oh, bitch please!" Heathcliffe yelled. "A.A.A. has been nothing but nice to us – Parties, lots of expensive food, and all of the world on a silver platter! I mean, have you used the expensive shampoo A.A.A. gave me?! My hair –"

"You shut your whore mouth!" Edmund yelled, causing Kartik and Matsu to faint. "What about us?! The hipsters who want absolutely nothing to do with any of this! All we want is to see the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival in peace FOR ONCE!"

"You'll be glad to know that A.A.A. cancelled it. She is doing wonders for Yukijima," Heathcliffe commented. Edmund grew deathly silent.

"Come at me. Come at me RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" Edmund yelled. Heathcliffe pulled out his scythe. "Compensating for something?! What are you going to do, Sarutobi?! Stab me?!"

Heathcliffe then ran up to Edmund and stabbed him right in the chest. Edmund then fell over dramatically and in slow-motion as the _Dear Sister _song played.

"Edmund!"

As Edmund landed on the floor, his siblings ran up to him.

"Edmund, say something!" Bridey yelled in an overly-dramatic fashion.

"He… He…" Edmund said before he sat up and picked a button up off of the floor. "He didn't really hurt me at all. The worst he did was slice a button off of my shirt."

Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey glared at Heathcliffe.

"If you're going to hurt our brother, you're going to be in a world of hurt," Rhett said to Heathcliffe.

"Be my guest," Heathcliffe said apathetically.

"Don't you dare mess with Edmund!"

Yukari, Kazura, Stella-Rondo, and Miller approached the group. The Capricorns approached Heathcliffe, standing behind him.

"Edmund provoked Sarutobi-kun," Aki said darkly.

"It was just. There was a reason mom named him after Edmund from _Chronicles of Narnia_," Amelia explained.

"Who said the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival was cancelled?!"

The rest of the Libras approached them.

"Under my jurisdiction."

A.A.A. and her gang of villains approached the group, standing behind the Capricorns.

"You're working with THEM?!" Kazura cried. "Can I just say how much I hate all of you - except my sister and my friends - right now?!"

"Why are we all doing this?"

The Straw Hats approached the two groups, standing in-between them.

"Because we're five seconds away from a Mexican Standoff," Edmund answered.

"**Fact: If the city of Brooklyn were separate from the rest of New York City, it would be the fourth most populous city in America**."

Maeve and her personalities approached the three groups.

"Stay out of this, Maeve!" Nami yelled.

"Please, don't hurt everybody, A.A.A.!" Maeve sobbed. "_Well, that's not going to work. Son of a [shoe horn butter]._"

"Kazura-ya, what the hell is going on here?!"

Bonney, Law, and Sabo entered the room.

"Law, it's not what you're thinking," Kazura stated. "I swear, we did not start this."

Every single person in the room grew silent.

"Hey, guys, the crepes are ready. Who wants one?"

Aldwin and Basil approached the groups, pushing a cart with plates of crepes on it. Everybody glared at the two boys with crepes.

"Sick 'em!" A.A.A. yelled to her group of villains, Capricorns, and Straw Hats.

"Raise your weapons!" Yuki-Rin yelled to her crew.

"Get out of here!" Kazura yelled to his crew.

"I'm sorry for all of this!" Ottawa yelled to everybody in the room before Maeve and Edmund ran from the hotel.

"Fight the fairies!" Jodie yelled as Maeve ran out of the building.

* * *

><p>Sometime later, Edmund found himself sitting by the pool at his hotel.<p>

"_Hello, darkness, my old friend…_" Edmund sang to himself.

"Edmund? What are you doing out here?"

Yukari approached Edmund and sat down next to him.

"Does everybody hate me for what I did during the party?" Edmund asked. Yukari put her arm around Edmund.

"That was actually pretty awesome. Except when we thought you died, but all Heathcliffe did was slice a button off of your shirt," Yukari explained.

"Eh. It can be sewed back on," Edmund said apathetically. "Anyway, where's everybody else?"

"Back inside. We managed to escape during the big fight," Yukari answered.

"I bet Law, Bonney, and Sabo hate us now – We caused a fight during their party," Edmund said. Police sirens then went off.

"Hold it right there, peasants!"

Alissa, who was riding a Segway, then approached the two hipsters. Edmund and Yukari sweatdropped.

"Good evening, officer. What seems to be the problem?" Edmund asked. Alissa bitch-slapped him in response.

"This OTP is displaying too much sexual tension! When are you going to hook up already and do the sex?!" Alissa yelled.

"We're not concerned about that. Right now, we're concerned about how serious the situation with A.A.A. ruling over Yukijima is," Yukari explained. Alissa sighed.

"Fine. But, by this time next year, you have to be together. Because you're in a good mood, I'll let you off with a warning. Don't piss off the Shipping Police again," Alissa said before she left. Edmund and Yukari sweatdropped.

"Should we go in?" Edmund asked.

"Yeah, we should," Yukari said as they got up from the ground. She then hugged Edmund. "Please don't beat yourself up over starting that massive fight. We all know it was the Capricorns' fault."

"_Yaasss… Keep hugging me, Yukari. You're slaying it right now, Yukari. Yaaasss…_" Edmund thought to himself.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Yukari and Edmund arrived at Edmund's hotel room, where the rest of the Libras were waiting.<p>

"We're back," Yukari said. Everybody remained silent.

"Do you guys… Hate me because I started that big fight?" Edmund asked everyone. Kazura smiled.

"Nope! We got kicked out of the hotel for the fight, but it was okay! Let's throw our own party!" Kazura said. A few minutes later, the Libras' party started.

"See? They don't hate you," Yukari said to Edmund.

"_Okay, Edmund, now is your chance to tell Yukari how you feel about her before you get fined by the Shipping Police or something,_" Edmund thought to himself.

"Anything wrong?" Yukari asked. Edmund stuttered.

"_Tell me, have you seen the marvelous Breadfish swimming in the ocean waters? Have you see the marvelous Breafish? It's like an inverse sandwich. An awe for fishermen and sharks_," Edmund sang. Yukari sweatdropped.

"_Either Edmund's drunk, or he likes me and can't get his feelings together. If I were speaking out loud, I would probably be arrested by the Shipping Police,_" Yukari thought to herself.

"Anyway, Yukari… Uhh… Seen any good television shows lately?" Edmund asked.

"I tried watching The Office, and it wasn't that funny," Yukari answered. "In my opinion, Parks and Recreation is funnier."

"Parks and Recreation will always be flawless," Edmund said. "Anyway, have you seen Bad Education yet?"

"Nigel probably showed me a clip of it. Does it have some British guy saying 'Illegal, Chantelle'?" Yukari asked.

"Yes, that's the one! Isn't Bad Education quiche?" Edmund asked. Yukari sweatdropped. "It's okay, I need to show you Summer Heights High and J'aime: A Private School Girl."

"I saw Summer Heights High. It wasn't that funny," Yukari explained.

"_Now, kiss her, Edmund. Don't make me sing that song from 'The Little Mermaid',_" Edmund thought as Kazura ran up to him.

"Edmund, I've been calling you five times. Your dad is on the phone," Kazura explained. Edmund sighed.

"Can it wait? Yukari and I were discussing quality television shows," Edmund asked.

"I'll fill in for you while you talk to your dad. It's urgent," Kazura said. Edmund sighed.

"Yukari, I'll be right back," Edmund said before he left the room. Kazura turned to his older sister.

"When should we tell Edmund that The Decemberists are going to be on Parks and Recreation?" Kazura asked.

"I think he already knows," Yukari answered.

* * *

><p>Outside of the hotel…<p>

"Dad, I told you that we weren't going to help you! I told you all about the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival, and how that was going to be a huge commitment for me and my friends!" Edmund yelled into his iPhone.

"_Edmund Francis Shirley McYOLO Abingdon, how many times do I have to tell you that Yukijima is in grave danger?! You need to help save Yukijima instead of going to some hipster festival with your friends!_" Kartik yelled. "_Add to that, your mother is furious at you for the scene you caused at the party!_"

"It was justified! Heathcliffe started it, and you'd better not defend that stupid pretty-boy because he is Heathcliffe Fucking Sarutobi!" Edmund yelled.

"_Son, I am very disappointed in you! You won't help us out, and you always leave us to be pimped out by Boa Hancock!_ _Why can't you _–"

"Fuck no, I won't!" Edmund yelled before he hung up.

"Hey, buddy, watch the language," Franky – who was walking by with the Straw Hats – yelled. Edmund glared at Franky.

"Fuckity bye, you fat fuck," Edmund said in the voice of Peter Capaldi before he ran back into the hotel.

* * *

><p>Two minutes later, Edmund came back to the party.<p>

"Hey, guys, what did I miss?" Edmund asked as he entered the room. Everybody remained silent.

"Were you the guy who dropped at least four or five F-bombs? We could hear you from inside," Jin-Mao asked. Edmund began to sweat.

"I've made a huge mistake…" Edmund said to himself.

"Oh, and by the way, I think the police may be coming because of 'noise pollution'. You brought this on yourself," Mason explained.

* * *

><p>At the Yukijima Marriott, Basil, Aldwin, and Maeve were sitting in the lobby and playing Monopoly.<p>

"**Fact: Women are often excluded from psychological studies because of their menstrual cycles,**" Cube said. Basil and Aldwin then inched further away from Maeve.

"So, how are things with the Straw Hats?" Basil asked.

"Weird. They won't let me have waffles," Maeve answered. Basil and Aldwin got up.

"We're taking you to Denny's. Make one mention of the Grand Slammich, and I will take you to Panera Bread instead," Basil explained.

"Oh, boy! I get my waffles!" Maeve said, jumping up and down. Aldwin sweatdropped.

"I wonder what Anton is doing…" Aldwin said to himself.

* * *

><p>With the Straw Hats and the Capricorns, then were in a fancy dining room, holding court with none other than…<p>

"A.A.A.?!" Daisuke cried. Yulia then kicked Daisuke in the shins.

"Silence!" A.A.A. yelled in the voice of Dumbledore. "I have gathered you all here this evening for an important announcement!"

Everybody grew silent. Then, the dark music started.

"_I'm not wearing underwear today,  
>No, I'm not wearing underwear today<br>Not that you probably care  
>Much about my underwear<br>Still none the less, I gotta say  
>That I'm not wearing underwear today<em>," A.A.A. sang. Everybody sweatdropped. Then, Sanji began clapping.

"I love you, A.A.A.-chawn!" Sanji yelled. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I just got war flashbacks to the time when A.A.A. and Thorn ALMOST got married. Keyword: Almost," Hana announced. A.A.A. cleared her throat. (6)

"Anyway… You are all now members of A.A.A. and Her Super Friends of Evil," A.A.A. announced. "What do you think about THAT?!"

"It's wonderful. We are going to restore Yukijima to its former luxury and glory – No more hipsters," Heathcliffe answered.

"For once, we do NOT need to be saved, for we are the rulers of Yukijima!" Yuki-Rin yelled.

"Exactly!" A.A.A. answered.

"How are we going to go about our plans with getting rid with the hipsters?" Heathcliffe asked.

"You mean the scum known as the Libra Pirates?" A.A.A. asked. "I know exactly what we're going to do."

* * *

><p>Back with the Libras…<p>

"_A duck walked up to a lemonade stand  
>And he said to the man, running the stand<br>"Hey! Got any grapes_?'" Edmund sang as Nigel strummed his guitar. Five seconds later, Edmund stopped singing and Nigel stopped playing.

"Play _Wonderwall_!" Mason yelled.

"The point of the story is this – Street hustling is bad. One day, I am going to take all of you to Bed-Stuy in New York and show you how Vampire Weekend got started," Edmund explained. "There's even a college there called the Pratt Institute, and it's named after Miller! Isn't that quiche?!"

Everybody sweatdropped.

"You stopped making sense the moment _Wonderwall _was brought up," Fernando sassed.

"No, you stopped making sense when you decided to sing that song about that duck," Kazura argued. Everybody grew silent.

"Well, I think we should get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be a long day without the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival," Edmund suggested. "Fucking Heathcliffe Sarutobi…"

* * *

><p>"Where are we?"<p>

"Oh, great, this is straight out of Doctor Who or something!"

"Stella-Rondo, hold my poodle!"

When Edmund awoke, he discovered that he and the rest of the Libras were in a white room with blinding, fluorescent lights.

"I swear to God, I'm tripping out on non-existent drugs," Mason commented to himself.

"Where are we?" Kazura asked everyone.

"Surprise, bitches."

A.A.A., the Capricorns, and the Straw Hats entered the room. Edmund rolled his eyes.

"Of course, the Capricorns do this," Edmund commented. Heathcliffe said nothing as he grabbed Kazura by the collar of his shirt. "Hey! Put my best friend down, or so help me God!"

"You're all going to be held here for interrogation, imprisonment, and torture," Heathcliffe explained. "When we're done with the hipster dweeb, Pratt is next. I have a score to settle with him."

"No! You can't take my other best friend! Miller and Kazura are my bestest friends ever, and I will fucking murder you in cold blood IF you do anything to them!" Edmund pleaded as Heathcliffe dragged Kazura off.

"I need an adult!" Kazura – in an OOC moment – yelled. The Libras sweatdropped.

"Let's do the right thing and find the exit to this place," Yukari suggested.

"But first, we're going to get Kazura back, obviously," Edmund said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in an interrogation room…<p>

"_Mama, we all go to Hell. Mama, we all go to Hell. I'm writing this letter and wishing you well. Mama, we all go to Hell_," Heathcliffe sang in a dark, disturbing, and unsettling manner. Kazura screamed.

"No! My Chemical Romance is too mainstream! Nooo!" Kazura cried.

"Too mainstream? Who did you listen to during those rough, teenage years?" Heathcliffe asked.

"The Vaccines. They're an obscure, indie rock band you don't know about," Kazura answered. "I also listened to a bit of Fall Out Boy, but I grew out of them and into Two Door Cinema Club."

Heathcliffe then grinned a sexy, evil grin.

"You are going to be a wonderful propaganda tool. Together, we can save rock and roll," Heathcliffe said. Kazura then got up.

"Fall Out Boy is too mainstream. I prefer Bo Ningen. You've never heard of them," Kazura said before he kicked Heathcliffe in the crotch and ran out of the room.

"Kazura!"

Kazura then ran faster.

"You'll never take me or my obscure Spotify playlist alive!" Kazura yelled as he ran down the hall.

"Kazura, it's Maeve!"

Maeve then caught up to Kazura.

"Maeve, what the hell is going on?! Where am I?! What time is it?! Why are the Capricorns doing this sick joke?!" Kazura cried.

"You're in Dystopian Torture, Interrogation, Imprisonment, Labor Camp, Mental Asylum, and Hunger Games Arena Building #600. It is about seven in the morning. Unfortunately, this is not a sick joke the Capricorns are pulling. It's much worse," Maeve explained.

"**Fact: There is a Coca-Cola vending machine in Singapore that gives you free soda when you hug it**," Cube said.

"Tell me everything when we meet up with my crew!" Kazura yelled.

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later, the Libras and Maeve were having breakfast at Denny's.<p>

"Info Dump time!" Maeve announced. "You know – Jin-Mao, Daiyu, get away from that skill crane!"

"We're trying to win a Captain America doll!" Jin-Mao yelled back as Daiyu tried to get a Captain America doll from the skill crane game.

"Alright! See if you can win me an Iron Man or Loki doll!" Maeve yelled back. "Anyway, I've got good news and I got bad news. Obviously, the bad news is going first, since that's how we roll."

"I wanted the good news first," Edmund said. Maeve ignored him.

"The bad news is that the Capricorns and Straw Hats have teamed up with A.A.A. to rule over Yukijima and terrorize people. But, you probably already knew that," Maeve explained.

"We know that, Maeve!" The rest of the Libras yelled. Daiyu and Jin-Mao then approached the table with various plushies of the Avengers.

"We got an extra Thor doll. Who wants one?" Daiyu asked.

"Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!" Maeve yelled. Daiyu then gave Maeve a Thor plushie. "Yay!"

The Libras sweatdropped.

"What's the good news?" Kazura asked after a long period of silence.

"Oh, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico," Maeve said casually. The Libras sweatdropped again. "But, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

The Libras facepalmed.

"Tell us some REAL news," Kazura requested.

"The good news is that I am the only Straw Hat who refuses to side with A.A.A. I'll be working with you guys, since you guys are too awesome to be enemies with. I mean, you give me free food, Jin-Mao and Daiyu watch anime with me, and we have so much fun together. When was the last time I did that with the Capricorns?" Maeve asked.

"The last time they were good. Or, the last time you tried to spy on the younger versions of dad and his brothers in the shower," Mason answered.

"Ah, yes, the Capricorns' Illegal Bathhouse and Illegally-operated Starbucks Coffee. That was the place to be," Maeve said wistfully. "The Panda Love shampoo, peeking at the men taking their baths, the moment when a hot guy's towel would drop, shampooing Heathcliffe's hair, buying Starbucks coffee so I could be fifteen minutes late to an event… Good times."

The Libras grew silent.

"**Fact: Neuticles are synthetic testicles for pets. The tagline is 'It's like nothing ever changed',**" Cube said. Everybody sweatdropped.

"Anyway, Aldwin and Basil are coming by your hotel later to discuss strategy. And Fish Stick Fridays," Maeve explained.

* * *

><p>That night…<p>

"We need to talk," Nami said as the Straw Hats entered Maeve's room. Maeve paused the anime she was watching.

"Make it quit. I'm watching Gintama, and it's the episode with Kyuubei's Tower of Babel," Maeve said. The Straw Hats sighed.

"Maeve… You're out of the crew," Nami announced. Maeve then dropped the box of Pocky she was holding.

"WHAT THE [HEATHCLIFFE DOING MY LAUNDRY IN HIS BOXERS]?!" Maeve cried. "What the [Heathcliffe not wearing a shirt] do you mean by 'you're out of the crew'?!"

"Because you are an enemy of Yukijima, and we punish naughty children like you!" Robin yelled. Maeve just blinked.

"What are you going to do?! Spank me and put me in time out?!" Maeve yelled. The next thing she knew was that Sanji literally kicked her out of the hotel.

"And, stay out unless you want to die!" Nami said before she threw a suitcase with Maeve's stuff toward her.

"**Fact: Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age produced the Arctic Monkeys song _Crying Lightning_**," Cube said.

"Yep. We're screwed," Aoi commented.

"What are we supposed to do?" Leon asked. Maeve got up from the ground.

"I know just who to turn to!" Maeve yelled. Bullet facepalmed.

"Maeve, I swear to God, if you take us to the Capricorns, I will kill you before they do. They're evil, too," Bullet explained. Maeve shrugged.

"All I want is to see Heathcliffe shirtless one last time before they kill me," Maeve said.

"They'll kill you before Heathcliffe starts to take his shirt off," Bullet pointed out.

"I'll make Heathcliffe take his shirt off," Maeve argued.

"Maeve, they'll kill you before you can make Heathcliffe take his shirt off," Bullet facepalmed.

"Goddmanit, Bullet! This is a Yukijima story, not Pay-Per-View porn!" Maeve yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve arrived at the Hampton Inn Yukijima.<p>

"You aren't even a guest here," Coby, the night security guard, pointed out as Maeve walked down the hall.

"You don't even work here. You work at a crack motel," Maeve said, continuing down the hall. A minute later, she arrived at the room she was looking for and knocked on the door. "Aldy! The Straw Hats kicked me out of the crew and I need a place to crash! Hit me up before I tear the door off!"

"Door's open!"

"Thank you, Aldy," Maeve said before she entered the room. Inside, the Libras, Aldwin, and Basil were waiting. "How's it hanging?"

"We have to get out of here. The Capricorns and Straw Hats are going to kill us if we don't get out of here," Edmund stated.

"No, duh! I just got kicked out of my crew, and they want to kill me! Logic no longer makes sense in Yukijima, and I want Pop-Tarts!" Maeve cried.

"The past version of dad disowned me and Yukari earlier today. Now I can rest easily at night knowing that in six months, Yukari and I can probably be adopted by Miller and Opal if everything goes well," Kazura sarcastically explained. Miller and Opal sweatdropped.

"Pratt, Rinaldi, do the sex already!" Jodie yelled. Miller blushed as he grabbed Opal's hand. "Faster! Faster!"

Opal slapped Miller.

"I-It's not like I like you… Baka!" Opal yelled. The rest of the Libras sweatdropped.

"This is the crackiest I have seen the Libras," Bullet commented.

"Bullet, you need to go chew some more scenery," Maeve ordered.

"Will do," Bullet said before he walked over to the window, grabbed a piece of the sky (with the moon included), and began to eat it. "So… Why does the moon taste like cheese?"

Everybody sweatdropped.

"Anyway, we leave Yukijima for greener pastures tomorrow. Who's with us?" Edmund asked.

"I'm in, or my name isn't Maeve (Middle Name Redacted) Foley!" Maeve yelled. "I will be doing this in loving memory of (First Name Redacted) Desmond York!"

"And I will come, or my name isn't Aldwin (Mother's Maiden Name Redacted) Yorkson!" Aldwin yelled in agreement. "I am doing this for Shen (All Names Redacted Except for the First Name), since his loss is a painful one."

"Aww," The Libras said sadly.

"But, he told me he was kicking ass at the slots in Reno, Nevada," Aldwin added. The Libras cheered.

"I will join in the quest, or my name isn't Basil (Last Name Redacted) Le'Ursa!" Basil yelled triumphantly.

"Hell yeah!" Bullet yelled.

"For Narnia!" Aoi, Jodie, and Ottawa yelled.

"**Oh, yes!**" Handles and Scribbles yelled.

"Vive en France!" Leon yelled.

"**Fact: The average American eats about eighteen pounds of bacon per year,**" Cube said.

"Okay, here's how it's going to work," Edmund announced. "One by one, we'll each go back to the Coachella and grab our things. Come right back here to the hotel after you get everything. Understand?"

The Libras nodded.

"At least I have all the stuff I need," Basil said under his breath.

"Basil, I still don't understand why you're trying to help. Alissa, Ren, Jade, and Mason Foley have all been arrested under this regimen, so we're screwed," Maeve said.

"Trust me, I'm a rebel," Basil said before he pushed Maeve over to Aurelia. "In fact, why don't you go help Aurelia get her things from the Coachella?"

"Yeah, Maeve! You can help me get all of the records and the record player from the Coachella!" Aurelia said before she dragged Maeve off. Aldwin sweatdropped.

"I still have no idea what's going on," Aldwin said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Aurelia and Maeve were on the Coachella, packing various records.<p>

"Let's see… We've got Tame Impala, The Black Keys, Imagine Dragons, Flogging Molly, Two Door Cinema Club, Foster the People, The Decemberists, Chvrches, Bastille, St. Lucia, Capital Cities, Franz Ferdinand, The White Stripes, The Strokes, Modest Mouse, The Shins, Gogol Bordello, Sufjan Stevens, Vampire Weekend, The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, Daft Punk, Arctic Monkeys, Lana Del Rey, Skinny Lister, The Vaccines, The 1975, One Republic, Passion Pit, Albert Hammond Jr, MGMT, Julian Casablancas, Queens of the Stone Age, The Last Shadow Puppets, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Interpol, Cold War Kids, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The xx, Drowners, Phoenix, Coldplay, Fitz and the Tantrums, Jack White, Neon Trees, The Libertines, Bon Iver, Japandroids, LCD Soundsystem, Tokyo Police Club, Miles Kane, Dan Auerbach, Mumford and Sons, Colin Meloy, AWOLnation, Bloc Party, Matt and Kim, The Hush Sound, Freelance Whales, Rizzle Kicks, Marina and the Diamonds, The Avett Brothers, Alabama Shakes, City and Color, The Neighborhood, Sigur Ros, The Joy Formidable, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, Arcade Fire, Ellie Goulding, Broken Social Scene, The Lonely Forest, American Authors, and, last but not least, Death Cab for Cutie," Aurelia said as she went through the Libras' massive record collection. Maeve blinked.

"I don't know who any of those artists are. Except Daft Punk and Imagine Dragons," Maeve said. "You guys can be so blatantly hipster sometimes."

"And, we own a record player," Aurelia said, picking up a vintage, record player and putting it on top of the stack of records.

"I bet you also own a coffee percolator," Maeve said.

"Yep! Franky gave it to Kazura last Christmas," Aurelia explained.

"So, what other hipster things do you guys do?" Maeve asked as they left the Coachella.

"Well…" Aurelia said. "Stella-Rondo once put her hair into rag curls, Edmund owns a lot of vintage books, we get all of our clothes from Urban Outfitters and some other, more obscure stores nobody's heart about, we've been to countless music festivals and concerts, we've seen old movies, and we hate a lot of mainstream stuff, like twerking and _Blurred Lines_."

"Wow. That's so hipster." Was all Maeve could say.

* * *

><p>Back at the Hampton Inn Yukijima…<p>

"If Aurelia does not get my vinyl copy of _Modern Vampires of the City_, I am going to kill A.A.A," Edmund said right as Aurelia and Maeve walked in.

"**Fact: The McDonald's in Sedona, Arizona, has turquoise-colored arches instead of the Golden Arches,**" Cube said.

"We're back!" Maeve announced. Basil pushed Jin-Mao toward Maeve.

"Here, go with Jin-Mao," Basil said.

"You just want to get rid of me, big brother," Maeve stated.

"It'll take your mind off of getting kicked out of the Straw Hats," Basil said.

"Who the [Irish punk ugly sweaters] gave you that right?!" Maeve yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Maeve was back on the Coachella, helping Jin-Mao pack his many DVDs, manga volumes, figurines, and cosplay costumes.<p>

"Let's see… I've got my Tenth Doctor coat, Loki helmet, Thor hammer and cape, Scouting Legion jacket, 3-D Maneuver Gear, John Egbert's Prospit outfit, the Heir of Breath costume, the Warhammer of Zillyhoo, my human Doctor Whooves costumes, my Eleventh Doctor fez, my Eleventh Doctor Stetson, my Sherlock scarf, my Hunger Games arena outfit, my Harry Potter robes, my Ash Ketchum hat, my Hand of the King pin, my Daft Punk and Deadmau5 helmets, Night's Watch cloaks, and, of course, my Castiel trench coat," Jin-Mao said.

"You have the best room on the Coachella. At least there are no random triangles, lens flares, wolves, galaxy images, landscapes, cityscapes, and/or quotes from books for me to figure out what they mean," Maeve explained. Jin-Mao sweatdropped.

"I have to deal with random triangles, lens flares, wolves, galaxy images, landscapes, cityscapes, and quotes from books on a daily basis. You think you're confused?" Jin-Mao asked. "And, no, those have nothing to do with anime."

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Jin-Mao and Maeve returned to the hotel.<p>

"We're back!" Maeve said before Basil pushed the Abingdons toward her. "I'm not doing this again."

"**Fact: In Japan, it is illegal to dance after midnight. Nightclubs are routinely raided by the police so they can check and see if anybody is dancing after midnight,**" Cube said. Maeve pushed Aldwin toward the Abingdons.

"You think I want to do this?" Aldwin asked. Maeve shrugged.

"At least I don't have to go back," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>Early the next morning, the Libras, Aldwin, Basil, and Maeve prepared to leave Yukijima.<p>

"So… Where are we going?" Maeve asked everyone.

"I'd prefer if we stopped in 221B Baker Street for the night," Miller answered.

"When do we get snack breaks?" Maeve asked. Miller looked toward Maeve.

"Don't tell me you already ate the food in your pack," Miller said.

"What are you talking about?" Maeve asked, wiping pieces from a granola bar off of her sweatshirt.

"**Fact: According to research, your 5th sexual partner will be the one you are most likely to have a long-term relationship with**," Cube said. Miller sweatdropped.

"Thanks for taking the blow for Maeve," Jodie whispered to Cube as she stroked him.

"**You creep me out, Jodie Walker**," Cube said.

"Umm… Excuse me, Miller Pratt, who died and made YOU leader?!" Basil yelled.

"Excuse me, Basil Le'Ursa, Miller is an experienced hiker! He knows this shit!" Edmund yelled.

"And an experienced hipster," Basil said under his breath. Miller ignored him.

"And, so, let us begin our hike to 221B Baker Street! Yay!" Miller announced.

"Yay," Basil said half-heartedly.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in A.A.A.'s government office – a penthouse suite above Hancock's nightclubbrothel -, Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren were hosting their pro-A.A.A. morning talk show.

"Bad news from the zones, Tumbleweeds – It looks like the Libra Pirates, Aldwin Yorkson, Basil Le'Ursa, and Maeve Foley had a clap with an exterminator that went all Costa Rica and… Uhh…Got themselves ghosted. Dusted out on Route Guano. So, it's time to hit the Red Line, and up-thrust the volume out there. Keep your boots tight, keep your gun close, and die with your mask on if you've got to," Heathcliffe announced into the microphone. Holden and Soren remained silent.

"Here is the traffic," Soren announced.

* * *

><p>With the Revolutionaries, they were listening to the Sarutobis' radio broadcast.<p>

"My Chemical Romance references? Really?" Ludovic asked everyone. "God, for a propaganda radio station, they suck."

Cima glared at Ludovic.

"I hate you. My Chemical Romance is talented," Cima said to Ludovic. Everyone grew silent.

"So… Uhh… Awkward silence is awkward," Sabo said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, with the Libras, Maeve, Aldwin, and Basil…<p>

"_But, I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles just to fall down at your door!_" Edmund, Locke, Miller, Nigel, and Basil sang as the Libras walked along the road.

"This beats referencing My Chemical Romance in a totalitarian city!" Aldwin yelled.

"Why can't we be Libras, Aldy?!" Maeve cried.

"Because Basil is the closest to the three of us who is a Libra," Aldwin explained. "In six months, Basil is going to be full-on hipster. Sure, he may listen to The Killers and Vampire Weekend, but in six months, we won't know what artists he'll be listening to."

"Plus, he shops at Urban Outfitters. Make what you will of that," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>After an uneventful, overnight stop in 221B Baker Street, the Libras were on the road to Old Viridian City the next evening.<p>

"**Fact: One of Queen Victoria's wedding gifts was a three meter-wide block of cheese that weighed half a ton,**" Cube said.

"Are we there yet?" Maeve, Basil, Jin-Mao, and Daiyu asked everyone.

"We should be in Old Viridian City soon," Edmund said before they got to the top of the hill and were overlooking the bright lights of everybody's favorite Las Vegas rip-off, Old Viridian City.

"Land ho!" Maeve yelled before she ran toward the city.

"Give me hoes!" Basil yelled as he chased after Maeve. Aldwin and the Libras sweatdropped.

"Huzzah?" Edmund said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras were checking into the Casino Resort of the Daleks.<p>

"Okay, before we go out, I want everybody to take a shower and to change into cleaner clothes. I don't feel like getting judged anymore by Capricorn wannabes. Plus, we're all dusty after the long trek from 221B Baker Street," Edmund explained.

"Wait – Are you implying that we take a group shower?" Mason asked. Edmund sighed.

"No. Take showers in your own rooms, alone. That's how showers were meant to be," Edmund explained.

"Can I at least have all of your shampoos, conditioners, lotions, and soaps?" Mason asked.

"Why?" Edmund asked.

"How else am I going to smell like 'Defunct Cucumber Melon Scent Only Nineties Kids Will Remember'?" Mason asked. Everyone grew silent.

"He brings up a really good point. You can't get Defunct Cucumber Melon Scent Only Nineties Kids Will Remember anywhere," Stella-Rondo pointed. Edmund sighed.

"Fine, but don't come crying to me when we're charged for taking stuff from the rooms," Edmund said.

"Who died and made him leader?" Maeve asked Aldwin and Basil.

* * *

><p>An hour later, after showering and changing into cleaner clothes, the Libras, Aldwin, Maeve, and Basil were having dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet.<p>

"Cheddar Bay biscuits!" The Libras chanted as Maeve brought a plate of cheddar biscuits to their table. "Yay!"

Aldwin and Basil sweatdropped at this out-of-character display.

"Since when do the Libras like the cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster?" Aldwin asked Basil.

"We're not even at Red Lobster," Basil pointed out.

"Then why are we eating Cheddar Bay biscuits?" Aldwin asked. Then, he realized his mistake. "Oh, no… I've made a huge mistake."

A waiter approached the table.

"Since when do buffets have waiters? This seems inconsistent," Basil asked everyone.

"Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Hometown Buffet. Can I take your order?" The waiter asked.

"Umm… We already have food," Basil pointed out, motioning to the many plates of food on the table.

"Why don't you order the daily special?" The waiter suggested.

"Wait… Does Hometown Buffet even have daily specials?" Jodie asked, with Maeve shushing her in response.

"Jodie, no!" Maeve whispered. The waiter then tore off his face, revealing that Spandam was wearing a mask of a generic waiter.

"Today's special is the Grand Slammich. They're very popular," Spandam answered. The Libras, Aldwin, Maeve, and Basil screamed.

"No! Cut to intermission! Cut to intermission!" The Libras, Maeve, Basil, and Aldwin screamed.

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

Saint Sarutobi II, Mrs. Sarutobi, and Louis the Assassin Sock Monkey stood in their kitchen, entertaining guests that included the Authoress' OCs for Dangan Ronpa, The Hunger Games, and Pokémon, all of the other Sarutobis, and several of the Revolutionaries.

"What's up, sluts?! Guess who just got out of prison?!"

Shanks then entered the kitchen, wearing sunglasses and carrying coffee from Starbucks. Everyone sweatdropped.

"This intermission makes no sense. I want to quit," Cima stated.

"Well, you can't, you ratchet –" Shanks said before Mr. and Mrs. Sarutobi cut him off.

"Frozen booze!" Mr. and Mrs. Sarutobi announced. Everyone grew silent.

"And now, the weather," Louis said in the voice of Cecil Gershwin Palmer from Welcome to Night Vale.

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>Three weeks later, A.A.A., the Capricorns' and the Straw Hats' reign of terror was in full swing. For a dystopiantotalitarian/fascist dictatorship, life continued on as normal in Yukijima.

Take for instance the Revolutionaries, who were listening to a wholesome, radio program.

"_Sightings of a mysterious void were reported near the Night Vale fairgrounds last night. However, this isn't going to deter the crowds expected for Night Vale's monthly swap meet this Saturday. Everything from household appliances to toys and even mysterious pieces of glowing rocks will be sold at the swap meet. Fortunately, the glowing rocks have tested negative for nuclear waste and other toxic chemicals, but they are a steal at fifty cents per rock._" (7)

The Revolutionaries sweatdropped.

"I think we have the wrong radio station," Sabo pointed out. "Aren't we supposed to listen to 'Generic Propaganda Broadcast With the Hot Sarutobis, Not the Hipster Sarutobis'?"

"I don't think so. It's not even on right now," Isaac commented.

"_Mayor Pamela Winchell has weighed in on the subject of Yukijima's new government with the very brief statement of 'That's cute'. When asked to further elaborate, Mayor Pamela Winchell levitated off of the ground and floated away, as if her soul left her body._"

"Since when is a dictatorship 'cute'?! This is NOT some sort of video about fluffy kittens!" Tobias yelled.

"Since My Chemical Romance broke up," Koala sassed.

"You shut the hell up!" Cima and Tobias yelled.

"_And now, a community health tip – All bagged salads have been recalled, due to trace amounts of wheat and wheat by-products. If you have a bagged salad in your house, throw salt on it and then burn it. After you have salted and burned the bagged salad, please report to the abandoned mine shaft for further instructions._"

"Okay, since when do salads contain wheat?" Ludovic asked everyone.

"_This week at Night Vale Community College, an exciting guest speaker will host a lecture as part of the college's exciting series of lectures. Can you guess who it is? It's beautiful, perfect Carlos and his luscious and perfect hair. On Tuesday night, Carlos will speak about the history of Radon Canyon, including its history as a site to bury dead bodies and the blood of the innocents._"

The Revolutionaries sweatdropped.

"_And now, the weather._"

* * *

><p>With Heathcliffe, Holden, and Soren, they were recording another episode of their pro-A.A.A. radio show.<p>

"And right here, right now, all the way in Yukijima, little children raise their open, filthy palms, like tiny daggers up to heaven. And, all the juvee halls and Ritalin rats ask the angels made from neon and fucking garbage scream out, 'What will save us?' And the sky opened up –" Heathcliffe said. However, he was cut off, since there are more important things in this story.

* * *

><p>A few days later, the Revolutionaries were on the doorstep of Leon's okama father and Wiffles the Flamethrower.<p>

"What do you want? If you've come for my Italian tires, you can't have them," Leon's okama father spoke to the Revoutionaries.

"Are the Libra Pirates here?" Sabo asked.

"They went grocery shopping. Come back later," Leon's okama father answered.

"Also, how is it that you and a flamethrower can reproduce together and have a child?" Annalease asked. Everyone sweatdropped. "Uhh… I mean, tell Miller I said 'hi'."

The Revolutionaries then left.

"When can we leave All About Halifax?" Cima asked as they walked down the street.

"When we blow up Yukijima's parliament building like in _V For Vendetta_, April Ludgate," Dragon curtly answered.

"Cheer up, guys! We're in NEW France!" Kiri yelled.

"I swear to God – No, I am not tripping out on drugs. I swear on my life that this is not an alternate universe that takes place in France, with Monaco as Yukijima," Sabo said to himself. The Revolutionaries grew silent.

"Wanna go watch ducks swim around and do duck stuff?" Koala asked everyone.

* * *

><p>With Aldwin and Maeve, they were leaving the grocery store.<p>

"Supermarkets in New France are so much fun! They give out more free samples than Costco!" Maeve said, stuffing an entire block of cheese into the pocket of her jacket.

"**Fact: On average, a Costco employee makes around $50,000 a year,**" Cube said.

"So, what are the Libras and Basil up to right now?" Aldwin asked.

"New France Hipster Music Festival. It has the same lineup as the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival, so they didn't miss much," Maeve answered.

"Good for them," Aldwin said before the Revolutionaries stepped in front of them. "Can we help you?"

A few minutes of exposition later…

"The Capricorns and A.A.A. are doing WHAT?!" Maeve cried.

"Their swearing-in ceremony is in a few nights, and they plan to use the festivities to kill you, Aldwin, Basil, and the Libras," Artemis explained. Aldwin and Maeve immediately grew silent.

"**Fact: When puppies play together, male puppies will let female puppies win mock fights so they can get to know each other,**" Cube said.

"I can't believe Yukijima has gotten so low, that there's going to be a few murders. Why am I not surprised?" Maeve asked. Ivankov then bitch-slapped Maeve.

"You have to take this seriously! You could die!" Ivankov yelled. Maeve just shrugged.

"It's A.A.A. Of course, we're going to kick her ass," Maeve said.

"Then why did you and the Libras run away to New France when you could have kicked her ass three weeks ago?!" Cima asked. Maeve grew silent.

"Because they're my best friends now that A.A.A. has made the Capricorns evil," Maeve said darkly.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Aldwin and Maeve arrived at Leon's house, where Maeve and her gang were camped out for the past three weeks.<p>

"Leon's okama dad whose name I don't know, Aldy and I are going to join Ivankov and the Revolutionaries in an epic quest to bring down the government running Yukijima!" Maeve yelled as she entered the house. Leon's okama father then glared at Aldwin and Maeve.

"You have twenty minutes to pack your things. If you aren't done by then, I will call the police on you. How dare you mention Emporio Ivankov!" Leon's okama father yelled. Maeve shrugged.

"Okay. Cool," Maeve said apathetically.

"Alright, alright, alright," Leon's okama father said darkly.

* * *

><p>A few nights later, after a long quest, the Revolutionaries, Aldwin, and Maeve arrived in 221B Baker Street.<p>

"I hope you don't mind that Aldwin, a bunch of Revolutionaries, and I are crashing at your house. I mean, you're a World Noble, his wife, and their adopted son who is an assassin sock monkey," Maeve explained to Saint Sarutobi II.

"No problem. All you need to do is not kill me for being a World Noble," Saint Sarutobi II said.

"Deal!" Maeve said before she turned to Aldwin. "Aldy, get me some none pizza with left beef."

Aldwin sweatdropped.

"How do I ask for none pizza with left beef at Domino's?" Aldwin asked. Maeve shrugged for the billionth time this Yukijima special. "Speaking of No Fourth Wall, what happened to the Libras and Basil?"

"They'll be fine at their hipster thingie. I don't think they want to do the final battle for this trip to Yukijima," Maeve said. Aldwin sighed.

"Maeve, I don't think we should have left them behind in New France. The Capricorns, A.A.A., and all of those villains DID say they wanted to kill the Libras," Aldwin said. Then, the television turned on by magic. On it was A.A.A.

"_Good evening, Yukijima. This is A.A.A. with a government-mandated update. We have just murdered the following traitors of this regimen: Yukari and Kazura Miyafuji, Stella-Rondo, Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey Abingdon, Locke, Aurelia, Aleksandar, Mason, Pearl, and Lien Sarutobi, Jin-Mao Xiang, Daiyu Lung, Alto Jarvis, Miller Pratt, Daruma Hideyoshi, Marlene Grey, Alton Cheung, Fernando Aguilar, Angelica Fischer, Opal Rinaldi, Nigel Crawley, Kipton Lim, Toru Sky, and Larry Gerguch._"

Aldwin and Maeve screamed.

"_Correction: His name is Jerry Gergich – I mean, Basil Le'Ursa. We now return you to your previously-scheduled episode of Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Vacation Timeshare Infomercial_."

Maeve and Aldwin shuddered. Then, Maeve screamed.

"Jerry Gergich is dead! My crew killed him!" Maeve sobbed.

"Maeve, Basil is NOT Jerry –" Aldwin said before Maeve ran out of the house, shouting "Jerry Gergich". Aldwin sweatdropped.

"**Fact: All figs have dead wasps in them. Wasps burrow into figs to lay their eggs, but some of them die inside of the fig**," Cube said. Aldwin looked to the fig he was holding and screamed.

"I'm eating dead wasps and their eggs?! What the hell?!" Aldwin cried.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Maeve ran into the deserts south of town.<p>

"The hipsters are dead… A.A.A. has total control of Yukijima… My crew and the Capricorns are evil and want to kill me next… I don't know where the Aries, Geminis, Leos, or Scorpios are… Basil is now Jerry Gergich from Parks and Recreation…" Maeve muttered to herself. "We're doomed! We're all going to die!"

"We still have the Revolutionaries. It's not like they got Put on a Bus like Mark Brendanowicz," Bullet pointed out. (8)

"But, all of my friends are either dead or Jerry Gergich!" Maeve sobbed. Loud, indie rock music then cut her off. "Who the hell is interrupting my angsty monologue?!"

Maeve followed the music, until she hit a campsite. There, the Libras and Basil were sitting around a campfire and singing along to whatever song was playing.

"Hey, look! It's Maeve!" Basil yelled. Maeve ran up to Basil and kicked him in the crotch.

"Never scare me like that again, guys! I thought the Capricorns either killed you or turned you into Jerry Gergich from Parks and Rec!" Maeve yelled. Edmund silently turned to his crew.

"Guys, you made Maeve cry. I am seriously ashamed of all you! Even Miller Pratt!" Edmund yelled. Basil crossed his arms.

"It's not my fault that A.A.A. made the announcement that we were all executed," Basil pointed out.

"That's not the point, and – What?! A.A.A. did WHAT?!" Edmund yelled.

"She made the announcement on television that the Capricorns and Straw Hats executed you. Basil was even called 'Jerry Gergich'," Maeve explained.

"Aw, hell naw! I want no part in the Capricorns' tight-ass country club, ya freak bitch!" Basil yelled. The Libras laughed.

"Well… I guess we know what we need to do," Edmund said, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Why are you crying?" Rhett asked, wiping tears off of his glasses.

"I'm not crying, Rhett… It's that Siracha-topped candy Fernando bought back in New District 12," Edmund sobbed. Amelia then started to cry. "Why are you crying?!"

"Because you made my twin brother cry!" Amelia sobbed.

"And you made my older brother and sister cry!" Bridey sobbed.

"Stop crying! You've already made me cry!" Kazura sobbed. Yukari then started crying as well.

"You guys made Kazura cry! Way to go!" Yukari sobbed.

"Aww… You guys! You're starting to make me cry, too!" Miller sobbed. Then, all of the Libras but Daruma began to cry. In response to Daruma's stoicism, Marlene pulled out her harpoon gun and pointed it to Daruma's crotch.

"Why are n't you crying?!" Marlene sobbed.

"When I was eighteen, I was given drugs to keep me from crying. Quite frankly, that was the best drug deal I ever participated in," Daruma explained flatly. Maeve and Basil sweatdropped.

"Way to go, Maeve! You just made all of the Libras but Daruma cry! How do you feel now?!" Basil asked Maeve.

"Glad that they're alive," Maeve said. "Say, why don't we get some pizza and cheer the Libras up?"

"Can we get none pizza with left beef?" Basil asked.

"Of course," Maeve said.

* * *

><p>By sunset the next evening, the Revolutionaries, Libras, Maeve, and Aldwin arrived in Yukijima.<p>

"**Fact: The Beatles released their first album the day before the first episode of Doctor Who premiered,**" Cube said.

"Now, we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous situation. There could be physical violence, there could be gun play, and there could even be death," Dragon explained to everyone. "If you want out, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Everyone grew silent. Ludovic raised his hand.

"Can I use this toppling of the Yukijima government to get married to Cima?" Ludovic asked. Cima then got out a pocket knife and pointed it to Ludovic.

"Can I use this toppling of the Yukijima government to cut this creeper?" Cima asked.

"No, Cima, Ludovic, you may not get married or cut people up," Dragon explained.

"But, you said 'speak now or forever –'" Ludovic said before he was cut off.

"Be quiet, Tiffany!" Dragon yelled in the voice of Tyra Banks. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Well, then…" Maeve said before she stuck out her hand. "All for one…"

The Revolutionaries and Aldwin then put their hands over Maeve's hand.

"One for all…" The Revolutionaries said. The Libras then put their hands on top of the Revolutionaries' hands.

"And none for the Capricorns!" The Libras yelled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Capricorns – decked out in badass, Strong World-esque formal wear - were doing one last pro-A.A.A. radio show before their inauguration into the government.<p>

"Now, come one, come all to this tragic event – The death of those fucking hipsters known as the Libra Pirates! You're all going to love what I have in store for them, especially for Miller Pratt!" Heathcliffe announced. Kartik approached Heathcliffe and took the microphone from him.

"Now, Heathcliffe, stop with those references to your Fall Chemical Romances and your My Out Boys," Kartik said. Heathcliffe facepalmed.

"It's My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy, you uncultured swine!" Heathcliffe yelled. Kartik cleared his throat.

"My fellow residents of Yukijima - Tonight our country, that which we stand for, and all we hold dear, faces a grave and terrible threat. This violent and unparalleled assault on our security will not go undefended... Or unpunished. Our enemy is an insidious one, seeking to divide us and destroy the very foundation of our great nation. Tonight, we must remain steadfast. We must remain determined. But most of all, we must remain united. Those caught tonight in violation of curfew will be considered in league with our enemy and prosecuted as a terrorist without leniency or exception. Tonight, I give you my most solemn vow: That justice will be swift, it will be righteous, and it will be without mercy," Kartik said into the microphone. The Capricorns, Straw Hats, and A.A.A. and her team of villains grew silent. (9)

"**Fact: Viagra dissolved in water can make cut flowers stand up straight for a week beyond their natural lifespan.**"

The Capricorns looked behind them, and they saw… Maeve.

"Uhh… Here's a new song from the band Mouse Rat. It's called _Sex Hair_, and it's all about how you can tell somebody's had sex by the way their hair is messed up in the back," Heathcliffe said into the microphone before he turned to Maeve. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Maeve then approached Heathcliffe, pushing several Capricorns to the ground in the process. When Maeve got to Heathcliffe, she bitch-slapped him.

"I've come to take Yukijima back for the people! The revolution needs me!" Maeve said before she grabbed the microphone. "We interrupt your sex hair for this important broadcast! We've come to take Yukijima back! We're kicking the bad guys out and bringing in the good guys! Also, does anybody know where the nearest K-mart is? I need to go to K-mart because reasons."

"In the unsafe area of town. If you've hit a Motel 6, then you're about three blocks east of the K-mart," Hana said.

"By the way, can you pick me up some shampoo?" Aki asked. Maeve sighed.

"I don't have time for that, but I will pick your shampoo up," Maeve said. Before Aki could open her mouth, Maeve continued to speak. "Don't bother. I will buy you ALL the shampoos and you have to use all of them. That's what you get for becoming an evil dictator and for having sex hair because you did the sex with Heathcliffe."

Maeve then got up from the spinny chair she was sitting on and grabbed the microphone.

"By the way, invoice me the microphone."

Maeve then dropped the microphone onto the ground and walked out of the room. A few minutes later, Cecil Palmer from Welcome to Night Vale entered the room, put the microphone back onto the table, and sat down.

"And now, the weather," Cecil announced.

* * *

><p><strong>Intermission<strong>

Maeve strolled the aisles of K-mart, nonchalantly knocking bottles of shampoo into her shopping cart.

"Nailed it," Maeve said as she approached the food section of K-mart.

"You didn't even try. I don't know what shampoo Aki uses, and if she has a bad hair day in the future, it's all your fault," Aoi pointed out.

"She probably uses Panda Love shampoo. I know her boyfriend does, so… Birds of a feather flock together," Maeve said. A panda (or, a guy in a panda costume) walked in front of Maeve's cart. "Holy [Kazura's secret stash of gummy bears]! It's a panda!"

The panda then stared Maeve down for a few moments. Then, he knocked over Maeve's cart and began kicking the items around. Maeve sweatdropped.

"_Panda cheese – Buy it, or a panda is going to come to your house and wreck your shit._"

"I know, Bullet!" Maeve yelled.

**End Intermission**

* * *

><p>With the Revolutionaries and Libras, they were fighting crowds of villains to get to Hancock's nightclubbrothel.

"Move, bitch! Get out the way, bitch! Get out the way! Move, bitch!" Sabo yelled as he pushed random members of Baroque Works to the ground.

"I have glitter used in over five hundred strip clubs across the world, and I am not afraid to use it!" Ivankov shouted to the Cancer Pirates.

"Finally! We made it!" Artemis yelled, pointing to the building that housed Hancock's nightclub/brothel. The Straw Hats, Capricorns, and A.A.A. exited the building.

"Ah, yes, it's those peasants. I thought we executed all of you on live television," A.A.A. commented. Kazura laughed loudly.

"No," Kazura said seriously. Everybody grew silent.

"We will win this for Mother Russia!" Toru shouted. The Straw Hats, Capricorns, and A.A.A. sweatdropped.

"What's up, sluts? How does it feel to have your government toppled?"

Maeve then approached the groups, carrying a shopping bag from K-mart in one hand and coffee from Starbucks in another.

"Did you get my shampoo?" Aki asked Maeve.

"Maeve, you traitor! What the hell did you do?! Did you seriously just side with the totally mainstream Capricorns?!"

Edmund then stepped out of the crowd. He was now wearing a T-shirt that had Lestrade from Sherlock wearing the "Don't Kermit Suicide" Kermit the Frog T-shirt on it.

"Edmund, I honestly don't think I can take your T-shirt seriously," Maeve said before she began to laugh very hard.

"What the hell is wrong with my T-shirt?!" Edmund cried.

"I watch Sherlock. I know what happened in a certain episode. Lestrade thought it was a big no-no," Maeve explained. Everybody grew silent.

"**Fact: 'Fancy' ketchup is actually a USDA grade, meaning that it's thicker than standard ketchup**," Cube said.

"Anyway, back to the whole 'I was a traitor' thing – It was to distract the Capricorns and to get away. Aki, I never bought you shampoo," Maeve said.

"_Bless your beautiful hide! Wherever you may be, we ain't met yet! But, I'm willing to bet that you're the gal for me!_" Miller sang. The rest of the Libras sweatdropped.

"Instead, I bought this! Cue music!" Maeve announced. Then, as _The Final Countdown _played, Maeve pulled her mystery item out of the shopping bag. Some people gasped, but most had neutral expressions on their faces.

"Kinder Surprise eggs?!" Aldwin cried, pointing to the Kinder Surprise eggs Maeve held. "Maeve, those are illegal in Yukijima! You just got us into major trouble!"

"That's why I brought them," Maeve answered. Everybody grew silent except for Jin-Mao, who was cheering.

"Hell yeah! Maeve just smuggled Kinder Surprise eggs into Yukijima! I knew she was awesome!" Jin-Mao yelled. The rest of the Libras – save for Daiyu and Basil – facepalmed.

"We're all going to die," Edmund said through gritted teeth. Jin-Mao said nothing as he got out a piece of jade.

"Not on my watch," Jin-Mao said, throwing the piece jade into the air, triggering an anime-esque transformation where Jin-Mao was now wearing Loki's outfit, helmet and scepter included.

"Sugoi! Loki!" Maeve yelled. Aoi sighed.

"Loki," Aoi said.

"Aoi, its Jin-Mao cosplaying Loki. Turn that frown upside-down!" Maeve said. Jin-Mao then cleared his throat.

"Kneel, you peasants!" Jin-Mao yelled. Nobody moved. "I said, kneel! Kneel before me, peasants!"

"Yep, I was right. We're all going to die," Edmund said to himself.

* * *

><p>A few days later, Nami told her story to – you guessed it – Cavendish.<p>

"Of course, those Kinder Surprise eggs saved our asses. We let Maeve back onto the crew, and the revolution ended without any bloodshed," Nami explained.

"Cool story, but…" Cavendish said in the voice of Shay Van Buren from The Most Popular Girls in School. "You do realize that the Capricorns and A.A.A. are still running Yukijima?"

Nami screamed.

"Oh, no! We're all going to die!" Nami screamed.

* * *

><p>Maeve then awoke screaming in her bedroom on the Thousand Sunny. The Straw Hats then ran into the room.<p>

"What happened, Maeve? Did you have a nightmare?" Usopp asked.

"I had a nightmare that A.A.A. stole the Constitution for Yukijima and took over the city. And you guys and the Capricorns were part of her evil cabinet of villains. You guys even tried to kill the Libras and Aldy," Maeve explained. The Straw Hats grew silent.

"Maeve, we would never be a part of A.A.A.'s government, not even for a Klondike Bar," Nami explained. Zoro then entered, carrying the morning paper.

"Hey, guys, it says here that A.A.A. stole the Constitution for Yukijima and she sold it to a bunch of hipsters for five bucks at a thrift shop," Zoro explained. The Straw Hats looked at the paper and screamed.

"No! This is worse than A.A.A.'s totalitarian state!" Nami screamed.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in Yukijima, the new leaders of Yukijima were wondering what they were going to do with their new positions.<p>

"So, it's our first day in office, apparently. What will our first act be?" Kazura asked the Libras, who grew silent.

"Let's play some Cards Against Humanity, then we'll talk," Edmund answered.

"But, first…" Kazura said, pulling out several tickets. "Who wants to go to the Yukijima Hipster Music Festival?!"

The Libras cheered.

"Government business can wait! We're going to a music festival!" Basil announced.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>The entire "Ann/Her/Egg/Annhog/Plain" joke is from Arrested Development.

**(2) - **If you want to know the story about Amelia seeing ghosts and the Capricorns being pimped out, read the Second-and-a-Half Anniversary Special.

**(3) - **"Yvan eht nioj" is a joke from The Simpsons. "Yvan et nioj" spelled backwards is "Join the Navy".

**(4) - **This is a Doctor Who reference.

**(5) -** Filipino for "I hope you die in a box factory fire, asshole!"

**(6) - **See the "Christmas in Yukijima" chapter of **The DysFUNctional Christmas **for Thorn and A.A.A.'s wedding.

**(7) - **Yes, that is Cecil from Welcome to Night Vale speaking over the radio.

**(8) - **In the show Parks and Recreation, Mark Brendanowicz was a character who was on the show for two seasons before he left the Parks Department for another job. He was never mentioned again after that.

**(9) - **Kartik's speech is from the movie _V For Vendetta_

**Anyway, our next special chapter will be the 150th Chapter Special. Chapter 125 will be the "125th Chapter Mini-Special", and it will introduce the cast of "In Argo" to this fic.**

**Review, since I had a lot of fun working on this chapter.**


	120. Doflamingo's Brother

**Author's Note: **So, recent events in the One Piece manga inspired me to write this chapter. That is all I am going to say.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day at one of Doflamingo's many mansions, as Doflamingo cut random things out of a Sears catalogue.<p>

"_Bacon wieners…_" Doflamingo sang to himself as he cut out a stock photo of a woman smiling and laughing alone with a salad. "One day, I am going to marry this woman in the stock photo, and we are going to have a dog, 2.5 kids, and a nice house in the Bay Area of San Francisco."

Violet then entered the room.

"You have a letter for you," Violet said as he held up a paper cutout of the letter D.

"Give me that D!" Doflamingo yelled. Violet sweatdropped. "It's the first fucking letter in my name! I didn't mean the OTHER D!"

Violet sighed.

"Your brother, Corazon, got out of prison earlier this week. Bellamy is throwing him a party, because 'you got out of prison' parties are, in Bellamy's words, 'the new thing you don't know about'," Violet explained.

Doflamingo screamed like a little girl.

"No! Corazon can't be out of prison yet! He ripped the tag off of a mattress!" Doflamingo sobbed. Violet sweatdropped.

"Doflamingo, that's –" Violet said before Doflamingo cut her off.

"Fuck this! I'm hiding out at Crocodile's house!" Doflamingo sobbed before he ran out of the room. Violet sweatdropped as Sugar and Dellinger entered.

"Violet, Dellinger doesn't want to watch Boku no Pico with me," Sugar said. "Also, who got arrested for ripping the tag off of a mattress?"

"Doflamingo's brother, Corazon. He's being released from prison today," Violet explained.

"What's up, sluts?! Guess who just got out of prison for ripping the tag off of a mattress?!"

Corazon then entered the room, carrying coffee from Starbucks.

"Sluts?" Dellinger asked.

"Fifteen minutes late with Starbucks?" Sugar asked.

"He's back, Jack," Dellinger and Violet said.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Doflamingo family decided to throw a "Welcome Home From Prison" party for Corazon.<p>

"I don't get it. Why are you throwing a welcome home party for somebody who just got out of prison?" Ace asked Violet.

"The leprechaun tells me to burn things," Violet answered. Ace sweatdropped.

"Oh, look! Capricorns!" Ace yelled, motioning to the Capricorns.

"So, if I rip the tag off of a mattress, I'll go to prison and you'll throw me a party like this when I get out of prison?" Daisuke asked. The Capricorns laughed.

"No. We aren't siblings to a rich, crazy pimp," Yuki-Rin said. Daisuke sighed.

"Can we at least stop at Gamestop on the way back so I can get the new Mario Kart?" Daisuke asked.

"Too late, sucker! I got the last Mario Kart game! Suck it, Daisuke Saburo!"

The Libras then approached the Capricorns. Jin-Mao was holding up a copy of Mario Kart 8. Daisuke then screamed like a little girl.

"Fuck the hipsters!" Gareth yelled.

"Fuck! The hipsters!" Yulia screamed.

"Fuck the hipsters? Don't we hate them?" Daisuke asked. Both the Capricorns and Libras then glared at Daisuke.

"Yes, Daisuke, we hate hipsters," Yuki-Rin said.

"Yes, Jin-Mao, we hate shallow, rich people," Kazura said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at Impel Down…<p>

"When was the last time I appeared?" Magellan asked the readers. Doflamingo then ran into Impel Down.

"Can any of you please arrest me and hold me overnight?!" Doflamingo yelled. Magellan sweatdropped.

"I'm afraid we can't do that," Magellan said slowly. Doflamingo then bitch-slapped Magellan.

"Arrest me now! I bitch-slapped a Marine!" Doflamingo yelled.

"Is this because your brother got released from prison?" Magellan asked. Doflamingo bitch-slapped Magellan again.

"I just want to hide from Corazon, even if it means I get arrested!" Doflamingo sobbed.

"Actually, we can't arrest you tonight. Corazon bribed us with cheese fries to not arrest you," Magellan explained. Doflamingo then snapped Magellan's neck, but Magellan lived because reasons. Doflamingo then began to walk back and forth.

"Stepping on the beach! Do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach! Do-do-do-do!" Doflamingo yelled as the M83 song _Midnight City _played in the background. Magellan sweatdropped as he turned to face the readers. (1)

"Is this why I haven't appeared in over a hundred chapters?" Magellan asked the audience.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, back at Corazon's welcome home party…<p>

"I actually hate hipsters," Corazon said to the Libras. "One time, in prison, a hipster bitch shanked me, so I shanked him back and now he's dead."

The Libras remained silent.

"No offense, but you scare me," Miller said.

"Good, because I also hate lumberjacks," Corazon said. "One time, in prison, a lumberjack bitch stole my cigarettes, so I shanked him and now he can't have kids."

The Libras remained silent.

"How was your sentence not extended if you killed a man and maimed another man to the point where he can't have kids?" Edmund asked.

"I didn't tell anybody about it until now," Corazon answered. "Also, I hate the Abingdon family. One time, not in prison, Kartik Abingdon made a rude comment about me in a liquor store, so I followed him home and ripped the tag off of his mattress, so that's why I went to prison."

The Libras sweatdropped.

"Are you the one who made Kinder Surprise eggs illegal in America?" Jin-Mao asked.

"Probably," Corazon answered. "One time, in prison, another hipster bitch stole my Kinder Surprise eggs, so I shanked him. He's fine now."

The Libras said nothing as they walked away.

"I'll tell you more stories from prison! It was just like the show Orange is the New Black!" Corazon yelled to the Libras.

* * *

><p>As Doflamingo entered the party, the Libras were exiting the party.<p>

"So, is Corazon cray-cray or what?" Doflamingo asked the Libras.

"He's telling us stories from when he was in prison. Not surprised, since his party was for his release from prison," Kazura explained. "Also, where's Law? You'd think that he'd attend his party for his legal guardian."

As Kazura talked, Law walked by.

"He's here, isn't he?" Law asked everyone.

"Surprise! Corazon got out of prison today!" Doflamingo shouted. Law screamed before he ran down the hall, with Kazura following him.

"What the heck is your damage with this Corazon guy, Law?!" Kazura yelled as Law climbed up onto a water fountain and dived into an air vent. A few seconds later, Law emerged with a large backpack.

"Watch my submarine, since Corazon-ya hates hipsters! He once put me in the hospital because I went to a Vampire Weekend concert!" Law yelled to Kazura. "Godspeed, Kazura-ya! You're one of the good ones."

Law then sprinted down the hallway, pushing Violet out of his way.

"Eat the rude!" Violet yelled to Law. Kazura sweatdropped.

"It's okay. The cops are coming to arrest Corazon in three, two, one…"

Kazura turned around, and he saw Doflamingo. Police sirens then went off.

"Good," Kazura answered.

"Yes, it is good that Corazon is going back to prison," Doflamingo said. "However, I think you should leave before the SWAT team arrives."

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>This scene is hard to explain, so go on Youtube and look up "Stepping on the M83".

**Our first, Rad Bromance chapter in a while will be next chapter, so review!**


	121. The Dystopian Choo-Choo Train!

**Author's Note: **Sorry for not updating recently. First, **In Argo **demanded much of my attention, since a lot of stuff happened, then I got writers' block on all of my fics but this one.

I know this chapter was supposed to be a Rad Bromance chapter, but I promise it will be the next chapter. I saw the movie _Snowpiercer _last night, and it was so epic, I had to do a parody of it.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _Snowpiercer_.**

* * *

><p>It was the year 3000, and the world ended because of that Jonas Brothers song of the same name. Because of it, the survivors of the apocalypse were forced onto a huge-ass train that travelled around the world. The rich people were in the front cars, the middle-class people were in the middle cars, and the poor people were in the back cars, like any other dystopian fiction piece.<p>

One fine day, one of the poor people, Donquixote Doflamingo, decided to start a rebellion against the rich.

"I like trains," Doflamingo said derpily. His fellow peasants – the Libras, Maeve, Aldwin, Law, Bonney, Sabo, Koala, the Straw Hats, Cima, Ludovic, Makino, Yasopp, Isabella, Ace, Marco, and Dellinger – sweatdropped. True to their poverty, everyone was dressed in hipster clothing (save for the Libras, since hipster clothing was their street clothing).

"**Fact: The creators of Adidas and Puma shoes were brothers**," Cube said.

"So, who here likes the Jonas Brothers?" Doflamingo asked. "Because I want to win the revolution with the Jonas Brothers."

"They're all dead. It's a dystopia," Cima pointed out. Doflamingo covered his ears.

"_I've been to the year 3000! Not much has changed, but they lived underwater! And your –_" Doflamingo sang before he was cut off.

"Silence, peasants!"

The rich people – the Capricorns, Sengoku, Aokiji, Kizaru, Akainu, Baroque Works, CP9, and Hancock – entered the room. True to their wealth, the rich were dressed in extravagant, designer, formal wear.

"Who's been eating cookies from the cookie jar?!" Akainu asked everyone.

"We can't even afford cookies! Just off-brand Oreos!" Edmund yelled. Yuki-Rin then bitch-slapped Doflamingo.

"Donquixote Doflamingo, you are going to be executed for starting a revolution, because rich people don't like revolutions," Yuki-Rin explained. "You will be executed by being locked into a room and being forced to watch _Frozen _on repeat."

Doflamingo screamed.

"No! I don't want to build a snowman!" Doflamingo yelled as he was dragged away. Everyone sweatdropped as Zoro turned to the group.

"Oi! Which one of you plebeians want to start a Communist takeover of the train?!" Zoro yelled. Everyone grew silent as Yuki-Rin re-entered the car.

"Oh, by the way, your outfits are hideous. If you want to at least be allowed in the rich people's train cars, get yourself some better clothing," Yuki-Rin said before she left.

"But, shit, it was only ninety-nine cents," Yasopp said, tugging at his hipster coat. Everybody grew silent.

"Hey, Macklemore, can we go thrift shopping?" Luffy asked everyone.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Zoro began leading his revolution crew through the train cars.<p>

"**Fact: 154 languages are spoken in the city of Los Angeles,**" Cube said.

"Are we there yet?" Luffy asked.

"No," Zoro answered.

"Are we there yet?" Luffy asked again.

"No, Luffy," Zoro answered.

"Are we there yet?" Luffy asked. Zoro then bitch-slapped Luffy.

"Luffy, I swear to Anime Jesus, WE AREN'T THERE YET!" Zoro yelled. "We're still in the peasant sections of the train!"

"Is this the part where we start kicking?" Jin-Mao asked.

"No, Jin-Mao. That's a chorus line," Miller answered.

"Kicking?! I want to do some kicking!" Maeve yelled before she kicked Aldwin in the crotch.

"Maeve, stop! I'm one of the peasants!" Aldwin pleaded.

"Snitches get stitches!" Maeve yelled as she continued to kick Aldwin in the crotch. Everyone else slowly began to walk away.

"**Fact: Chipotle buys some of their avocados from singer Jason Mraz**," Cube said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the group arrived in the room where the water is stored. To celebrate, they all decided to recreate various scenes in anime that took place in hot springs.<p>

"This is too mainstream! I want to recreate scenes from The Office!" Law whined.

"The Office isn't even that funny," Nami pointed out. Law then left the train car before things got too risqué to show.

* * *

><p>After washing up, Zoro and his party of merry peasants continued to push on towards the front of the train.<p>

"You know, none of this would have happened if the Jonas Brothers didn't make that one song," Cima pointed out.

"Shut the hell up! The Jonas Brothers are too mainstream!" Law yelled.

"You know, Law, Cima does have a point. The world ended because it's the year 3000, like the Jonas Brothers song of the same name," Koala explained.

"I swear to God, if I hear the Jonas Brothers mentioned again, I will fucking cut a bitch!" Law yelled. Everybody grew silent.

"**Fact: Joe Jonas starred in the music video for the Vampire Weekend song _Giving Up the Gun_**," Cube said. Law then screamed as he pulled out his sword.

"Why doesn't anybody listen to good music?!" Law yelled.

"We do," The Libras answered.

"We catfished some of the rich people for tickets to see The Libertines," Kazura explained. "In fact, we have an extra ticket. Want to come with us?"

"Hell yeah, I do. The Libertines, Carl Barat, Pete Doherty, and all associated parties are dope as shit," Law said unironically.

"What does some hipster band have to do with the revolution we are starting?" Makino asked everyone.

"Is this some sort of punchline?" Nigel asked Makino.

"No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night," Makino answered.

* * *

><p>Several cars later, the group finally made it to the middle-class train cars.<p>

"Freeze, peasants!"

CP9 and Baroque Works then dropped down from the ceiling. Nami screamed.

"Distract them!" Nami yelled before she ran to the other side of the train car.

"I'm pregnant, everybody!" Marco announced. Everyone in the train car grew silent.

"Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad," Kaku introduced himself. Ace punched Kaku in the face in response.

"And I'm the father of Marco's fake, M-preg baby!" Ace yelled before he ran out of the train car. Everyone else followed suit a few seconds later.

"Hi, The Father of Marco's Fake, M-Preg Baby! I'm dad!" Kaku said before he passed out.

* * *

><p>Several scenes of running through the train cars later, Zoro's resistance arrived at the front car, where the Capricorns were waiting for them.<p>

"Dad, first off, let me just tell you how much I hate you for making us live on this train," Kazura explained. "Second off, why didn't you help the people in the back cars out? And, third, I HATE THE JONAS BROTHERS, DAD! Why did you buy me the latest Jonas Brothers CD for my birthday? I asked for Bon Iver on vinyl records!"

"First off, how dare you," Kazuma said to his son from the future. "Second off, I was having too much fun drinking, clubbing, and having sex to help all of you out. Third, it's the year 3000 like the Jonas Brothers song of the same name."

Kazura facepalmed.

"Anyway, you're going to be a Communist now. No more clubbing for you, since clubbing is not very Marxist of you," Zoro explained to the Capricorns.

"Karl Max was Socialism, not Communism, you uncultured swine!" Edmund yelled to Zoro.

"How do you know that?!" Zoro yelled back.

"I at least paid attention in my history classes!" Edmund retorted.

"At least we survived the Jonas Brothers apocalypse with all of our riches!" Yuki-Rin yelled.

"Then how come you didn't give us some money?!" Yukari asked Yuki-Rin.

"_Attention, all passengers. We are arriving in New York City. Please remain seated until the train comes to a complete stop._"

Everyone grew silent.

"We were on a train to New York this whole time and nothing happened?!" Everyone asked.

"Ayyy! Did I miss anything?!"

Shanks then entered the room, carrying a drink from Starbucks.

"Well, you're fifteen minutes late to the revolution, among other things," Cima pointed out.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you finally want to see that Rad Bromance chapter.<strong>


	122. The Rad Bromance's Rad Summer

**Author's Note: **And so, we finally have a Rad Bromance chapter! As you all know, summer unofficially ended on Labor Day, so... I guess the Rad Bromance had a good summer.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or any Black Keys songs.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal day in the city of I Heart Gintama, Louisiana, as the local postman, Pell, began his delivery route.<p>

"_Everybody in the club getting tipsy!_" Pell chanted as he threw random jury duty notices into the air.

"Sir, you can't do that," Sengoku, the police chief, pointed out. "You're not even in the club right now."

"**Fact: The most-played song on Spotify is _Wake me Up _by Avicii**," Cube said.

"Yay! Lithuania!" Daisuke yelled as he ran down the street. Pell then tazed Daisuke. "Nooo! Don't Taze me, bro!"

"You're supposed to be in school, young man!" Sengoku yelled. Daisuke flipped his hair.

"It's summertime!" Daisuke yelled. "Take me to Candy Mountain, Charlie!"

The rest of the Rad Bromance said nothing as they approached Daisuke.

"Uhh… Daisuke, we're not going to the Candy Mountain Water Park. Somebody found a sandwich in the park, and it didn't have mayonnaise on it," Gareth explained.

"Plus, I'm blonde. The water at the water park is chlorinated, and it will turn my hair green," Soren added.

"Nobody cares about you or your pretty-boy brothers, Soren," Gareth said. "Plus, it's my turn to pick something fun."

"I'm with Soren. I'm blonde, too. If my hair turns green, I'll look like Roronoa Zoro, which will make me want to seriously smack a bitch," Kazuma explained.

* * *

><p>Several hundred miles away, Zoro sneezed.<p>

"I think I have to go to Louisiana and shut a bitch down," Zoro said to himself.

* * *

><p>Back in Louisiana, the Rad Bromance was assembling a bed from IKEA.<p>

"Yay! Summer fun!" Daisuke cheered.

"We're assembling a bed from IKEA, you vaporwave aesthetic!" Gareth yelled. Showtarou then entered the room.

"What are you doing?" Showtarou asked slowly. "I don't think IKEA exists in Louisiana, let alone in the 1930's."

Gareth said nothing as he walked up to Showtarou and touched his face.

"420, vaporwave, soft grunge, minimalist, retro, vintage, lesbians," Gareth said like a robot. Showtarou then slapped Gareth across the face.

"Where the hell do you keep your drugs?!" Showtarou yelled. Ajax then flew into the room.

"'Murica!" Ajax yelled as he flew out the window. Everyone in the room sweatdropped.

"If you need me, I'm going to go Google all the things you said so I can use it against you in a court of law," Showtarou said before he left the room. The Rad Bromance sweatdropped. Then, Daisuke began to sing the bass line from Seinfeld.

"_I'm singing the bass line from Seinfeld!_" Daisuke sang to the tune of the Seinfeld bass line.

* * *

><p>After finishing assembly of the IKEA bed, the Rad Bromance decided to stage a musical adaptation of the book <em>Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood <em>in the local park.

"I AM the one who knocks! I am the danger!" Daisuke – who was dressed as Walter White from Breaking Bad – yelled into the audience.

"Oi! If I wanted wasted minstrels and fallen countesses, I would have gone home and listened to The Decemberists on Spotify!" Edmund yelled from the audience.

"Say my name!" Crocodile yelled in the voice of Walter White.

"Lumberjack Cumberland – I mean, Benedict Cumberbatch!" Heathcliffe yelled. "Whoever his name is, yeah!"

The audience then cheered.

"Hooray for everything!" Kalifa yelled.

"Hettienne Park is the reason why I'm here tonight! Beverly Katz did not die in vain!" Daisuke yelled to the audience. Mihawk then ran onto the stage and grabbed the microphone from Daisuke.

"Yo, Taylor Swift wannabe, I'm really happy for you. I'mma let you finish, BUT BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!" Mihawk yelled into the audience. Everyone grew silent.

"Marimba solo!" Daisuke yelled before he aggressively began to play a marimba.

* * *

><p>To close out their day of summer fun, the Rad Bromance decided to go to Target.<p>

"Save rock and roll!" Daisuke yelled as he pushed his card through the aisles. Gareth then threw several wheels of cheese into the cart.

"Cheese!" Gareth yelled. The Rad Bromance then laughed for exactly five seconds.

"**Fact: The faces featured in the opening sequence for the show Orange is the New Black are faces of women who have been incarcerated before,**" Cube said as Maeve walked past, carrying gummy crayons.

"Maeve! Come join us! We're shopping at Target because everyone loves Target for some reason!" Daisuke yelled. Maeve slowly turned around and looked at Daisuke.

"You mean I don't get to wear pants?" Maeve asked. "Because I can wear shorts if I want to. They're comfortable and easy to wear."

"But, Youngster Joey is in the top percentile of ALL Ratattas," Daisuke argued.

"I want Pizza Hut. It was in Code Geass," Gareth said.

"There's no Pizza Hut in Target," Wolfgang said.

"Uhh… Yeah, there's, like, a Pizza Hut Express in every freaking Target," Gareth said, flipping his hair in an awkward fashion.

"Uhh… No, there's no Pizza Hut in Target," Wolfgang said.

"Where's Maeve?" Kazuma asked, suddenly forgetting about Maeve for no reason.

"I went to go steal some IKEA catalogues," Maeve said as she passed out copies of the latest IKEA catalogue to the Rad Bromance. The Rad Bromance said nothing as they flipped through their IKEA catalogues.

"I don't know about you guys, but I think I want to redo my room based on the Black Keys song _Little Black Submarines_," Gareth commented.

"Why would you redecorate your room based off of that hipster shit?!" Heathcliffe asked.

"Because you're not my mother and I like grilled cheese!" Gareth retorted.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Daisuke returned home after a fun, summer day.<p>

"School tomorrow!" Nami, Daisuke's mom, announced as Daisuke entered the house.

"That's cute. It's summer," Daisuke said.

"Actually, today is Labor Day, you uncultured Drake and Josh episode!" Nami yelled. "School starts up tomorrow!"

Daisuke then got onto the ground and curled up into a fetal position.

"Future!" Daisuke yelled in the voice of Squidward Tentacles. Daisuke then got up and began to pole dance as the Black Keys song _Howlin' For You _played in the background.

"I'm so glad school starts up again tomorrow," Nami said to herself.

"Ditto," Nigel and Kipton said in unison. Nami screamed.

"Get out of my house or something! I don't like this song!" Nami yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Review if you want to see the cast of "In Argo".<strong>


	123. You Could Stop at Five or Six Stores

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry that this chapter is so crappy. I wanted to do a chapter based on my new favorite video/meme, "You Could Stop at Five or Six Stores, Or Just One".

Anyway, you could read five or six chapters, or just ONE. Let's start this.

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. **

* * *

><p><strong>Doflamingo<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Doflamingo said into the camera. "I feel like a deer in the headlights of love."

Doflamingo then began doing high-kicks a la the Radio City Rockettes, kicking Law in the crotch in the process.

"I can't stand it when she touches me!" Law yelled, clutching his balls in pain.

* * *

><p><strong>Miller<strong>

"Hi, I'm Miller Pratt. You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Miller said. "_Well, I'm not paralyzed, but I seem to be struck by you! I wanna make you move because you're standing still! If your body matches what your eyes can do, you'll probably move right through me on my way to you!_"

* * *

><p><strong>Nami<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Nami said. "I don't need friends. They disappoint me."

Nami then began to break-dance to _What Does the Fox Say_?

* * *

><p><strong>Urouge<strong>

Urouge blinked.

"I can see the Statue of Liberty from here," Urouge commented before he passed out for no reason.

* * *

><p><strong>Yuki-Rin<strong>

"I am the Queen of the Universe!" Yuki-Rin proclaimed. "The waves part, they engulf me and the water is warm!"

Yukari and Kazura laughed hard.

"Yeah right!" Kazura yelled. "Queen of the Universe my ass!"

Yuki-Rin then bitch-slapped Kazura, but he kept on laughing.

"I AM the Queen of the Universe! Bow to me, hipsters!" Yuki-Rin yelled.

"No thanks. Sucking up to you is too mainstream," Kazura said before he and Yukari walked away.

* * *

><p><strong>Zoro<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Zoro said before he threw out his back. As in, Zoro ripped his spinal cord out and threw it on the ground as the Lonely Island song _I Threw It on the Ground _played in the background.

Thankfully, Zoro survived because this is a non-canon crack fic.

* * *

><p><strong>Cima<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Cima said. "I can't stand it when Ludovic touches me."

Ludovic then ran up to Cima and tapped her on the shoulder. Cima then broke Ludovic's fingers.

"Mommy!" Ludovic cried.

* * *

><p><strong>Nikolai<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Nikolai said. "That always puts the fear of God in me."

Nikolai then stabbed Doflamingo for no reason. Thankfully, Doflamingo lived! Yay!

* * *

><p><strong>Ecru<strong>

"Look. Peter, look at the sky," Ecru said. "What a lovely, lovely day. Aren't the clouds beautiful?"

"We're inside of some sort of studio, Ecru. I don't have time to look at the sky! Ain't nobody got time for that!" Peter yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Princess Mansherry<strong>

"Ahhh!" Princess Mansherry screamed. "My Lord! My Lord, I have been so frightened!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Dellinger said. "Can I ask you kind of a weird question? Were your parents ever on crack?"

"No. Why?" Princess Mansherry asked.

"Because who the hell would name their kid 'Princess Mansherry'?" Dellinger asked. Princess Mansherry then punched Dellinger in the face.

"And that is why you always leave a note!" Doflamingo said in the voice of J. Walter Weatherman from Arrested Development.

* * *

><p><strong>Mr. 3<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Mr. 3 said. "_Salt Lake Community College barbering and cosmetology school!_"

Mr. 3 then grabbed Dellinger, and the two of them made jazz hands.

* * *

><p><strong>Koala<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Koala said. "What the frick frack diddly dack patty whack snick snack crack pack slack mack quarterback crackerjack biofeedback backtrack thumbtack sidetrack tic-tac does she think she's doin'?"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"It never ends," Sabo said to himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Monet<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Monet said. "You asked for it, and now we've got a whole video dedicated to the Rainbow Sponge!"

Monet then sat down on the ground and began to do sponge art with Cima, Koala, Ludovic, and Sabo. Monet then began to pant sexually.

"Calm down, Monet," Monet said to herself as she painted a rainbow onto a blank piece of paper with her paint-soaked sponge. "Oh! A virgin inch!"

The four Revolutionaries sweatdropped.

"Me too, sex lady," Cima said slowly.

* * *

><p><strong>Smoker<strong>

"...Or just one," Smoker said dramatically. Then, the Dramatic Chipmunk turned its head toward the viewers.

* * *

><p><strong>Robin<strong>

"Oh, that's really disgusting. Get that filthy thing away from me," Robin commented, looking at a laundry basket filled with adorable kittens. Zoro then took the laundry basket filled with kittens away. "You could stop at five or six stores, or just one."

* * *

><p><strong>Momonosuke<strong>

"Who in the hell are you?! And why are you looking at me?! I don't like old people, and I wish that you, old woman, would stop looking at me!" Momonosuke yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>Tashigi<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Tashigi said. "He's inside the closet... I had him stuffed."

Tashigi then kicked Mason in the jaw.

"My leg!" Mason yelled in the voice of the "My leg" fish from Spongebob.

* * *

><p><strong>Amelia<strong>

"Hi, I'm Amelia Abingdon. You could stop at five or six stores, or just one!" Amelia said. "Whole Foods is corporate!"

* * *

><p><strong>Maeve<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Maeve said. "Oh, my God! Wiggles! Wiggles!"

"**Fact: Unlike the rest of the state of Nevada, which is in the Pacific Time Zone, the town of West Wendover is in the Mountain Time Zone, as it is on the border with Utah**," Cube said.

* * *

><p><strong>Sanji<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Sanji said. "You're either in Sheen's Corner, or you're with the trolls!"

* * *

><p><strong>Dellinger<strong>

"You could stop at five or six stores, or just one," Dellinger said. "I like shorts. They're comfortable and easy to wear."

Dellinger then kicked Mason in the crotch.

"Hey! How come Dellinger-ya got to do this twice?!" Law cried.

"Because I made him do it at gunpoint," Doflamingo said.

* * *

><p><strong>Mason<strong>

"People say that time heals all wounds," Mason said, holding back tears and clutching his balls in pain.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: You could review five or six chapters, or just ONE.<strong>


	124. Another Hunger Games Chapter!

**Author's Note: **I wrote this in two days. Then, the "Angela from Appleton, Wisconsin, Rants About Bath and Body Works" video got famous and gave this chapter a new life. Also, I wanted to do another Hunger Games-verse chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_.**

* * *

><p><strong>District Aries (Transportation)<strong>

"The Tributes for District Aries are Aomame Kirigaya and Beal Myles!"

Aomame rolled her eyes as Beal began ranting about pears. Aomame was a talented doctor who wanted to open her own hospital, and Beal randomly showed up in the District one day in a blue phone box a la the Doctor.

A few feet away, their mentor, Franky, was drunk as fuck.

"Nipple lights!" Franky yelled as he flashed his Nipple Lights on and off.

* * *

><p><strong>District Taurus (GrainFood Processing)**

"The Tributes for District Taurus are... Cima Vu and Ludovic Swansea!"

Cima then began to strangle Ludovic.

"I'll kill you before we get to the arena!" Cima yelled. "You are the literal definition of a creep!"

Their mentors, Princess Mansherry and Fukurou, sweatdropped.

* * *

><p><strong>District Gemini (MasonryPeacekeepers)**

"The Tributes for District 2 - I mean, District Gemini - are Linus Forsythe and Greta Chalfant-Richelieu!"

Linus then took off his shirt and began to fist-pump Jersey Shore-style.

"Party rock is in the house tonight!" Linus chanted. His mentor, Capone, sighed.

"Memes are so over!" Capone yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>District Cancer (Textiles)<strong>

Kuro said nothing as he dragged Sanji onto the stage.

"Here. He Volunteers for me," Kuro said.

"Sir, the Reaping was rigged so you would go into the Hunger Games and die," The District's escort, Pwngoat, explained.

"Fuck this shit. I'm getting a Starbucks," Kuro said before he left. Pwngoat said nothing as he pulled the female's name out of the Reaping bowl.

"The female Tribute is Nico Robin," Pwngoat announced.

"Not my daughter, you fucking bitch!" Olvia yelled as Robin went onto the stage.

"Am I the closest thing to Michelle Pfeiffer that you've ever seen?!" Robin cried in the voice of the Australian singer/songwriter Vance Joy.

* * *

><p><strong>District Leo (Agriculture)<strong>

"Your Tributes are Yvonne Imlay and Keating Cullen!"

Leo then began to cry.

"Why are you crying? You're not going into the Hunger Games," Cary asked Leo. "Plus, this is your last year in the Reaping. You're never going into the Hunger Games, homeboy."

"I've made a huge mistake!" Leo sobbed.

* * *

><p><strong>District Virgo (Technology)<strong>

"Your Tributes are Desdemona Sheffield and Griffin Gethard!"

Desdemona smirked.

"Honey, you've got a big storm coming," Desdemona said to the audience.

"Oh, please, that shit was so last chapter," Nikolai, Desdemona's mentor, said to her. Griffin slowly turned to Nikolai.

"I don't need friends. They disappoint me," Griffin said slowly.

* * *

><p><strong>District Libra (Lumber)<strong>

"Your Tributes are Miller Pratt and Yukari Miyafuji!"

As the audience cheered, Yukari began to cry.

"I don't want to go!" Yukari sobbed.

"The Tenth Doctor didn't want to go when he was Regenerating, and that is why Matt Smith and Peter Capaldi have been playing the Doctor," Yukari's mentor, Edmund, explained.

"Golly, Edmund, this is why I don't watch Doctor Who," Miller said. Edmund then gave Yukari and Miller money.

"Why are you paying us?" Yukari asked. Edmund said nothing as he threw the rest of his money into the air.

"Cash money! I'm gonna make it rain!" Edmund said in the voice of Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec. Miller and Yukari blinked. "No, seriously. I'm paying you to kill the Capricorns. Go see a movie or something in the Capitol before you go into the arena."

* * *

><p><strong>District Scorpio (PowerScience)**

"Your Tributes are Lana Strider and Gareth Archer."

"Turn down for what?!" Lana and Gareth's mentor, Shanks, yelled as he flipped over the escort's podium. Everyone in the District sweatdropped.

"What?" Gareth asked.

"Turn down for what?!" Shanks shouted back.

"What? What do I have to turn down for?" Gareth asked.

"Turn down for -" Shanks yelled before Lana bashed a metal folding chair over his head.

* * *

><p><strong>District Sagittarius (LivestockFarming)**

"Your Tributes are Portgas D. Ace and Isaac Bjorklund."

Everyone sweatdropped.

"Are they gay for each or something? I thought I was supposed to go into the Games," Sukie asked.

"I'm not talking to you!" The Escort, Bon Kurei, yelled.

"Rainbow! Blergh!" Ace yelled before he threw up rainbow-colored puke.

* * *

><p><strong>District Capricorn (Luxury Goods)<strong>

"Your Tributes are Aki Chung-Feng and Heathcliffe Sarutobi!"

Aki and Heathcliffe broke down crying because they're in love and they're going to die.

"Oh, shut the fuck up! I can't hear the episode of Parks and Recreation that I'm streaming!" Isabella, Heathcliffe's mentor, yelled from the audience.

"Shut up, you basic bitch!" Aki yelled back.

"You shut up! Streaming shows on Netflix is more important than your bullshit love story!" Isabella yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>District Aquarius (Fishing)<strong>

"Your Tributes are Thorn Sarutobi -"

The audience cheered because Thorn was going into the Games and nobody liked him.

"Hi, my name is Thorn Sarutobi, and Conor Oberst is my Lord and Savior," Thorn introduced himself over the loud cheers of the audience.

"...And Maeve Foley!"

The audience then booed because Maeve was going into the Games.

"[Parrot casinos] all to [my left street tacos]!" Maeve swore.

"**Fact: Pineapples were such a status symbol in England in the 1700's, that you could rent one out to take to a party,**" Cube, Maeve's mentor, said.

* * *

><p><strong>District Pieces (Coal Mining)<strong>

"Your Tributes are Keela Rondo and Tobias Gansevoort!"

"Yeah! That's right! That's fucking right!" Tobias yelled, fist-pumping a la Jersey Shore. In the audience, Cobol shed a single tear.

"Keela... I thought I was special!" Cobol yelled.

* * *

><p>A day later, the Tributes and their mentors arrived in the Capitol. Aki, Heathcliffe, Greta, Linus, Desdemona, Griffin, Maeve, Thorn, Lana, Gareth, Aomame, Beal, Yukari, Miller, Robin, Sanji, Cima, Ludovic, Ace, Isaac, Yvonne, Keating, Keela, and Tobias gathered at the city square to hear President Doflamingo give his speech.<p>

"Sixth grade isn't just a school year, it's the beginning of WOMANHOOD," Doflamingo said to the Tributes. "Periods, sex, drugs, drinking, friends, foes, and love."

The Tributes sweatdropped.

"Finland!" Gareth yelled, motioning with his arms in a confused manner.

* * *

><p>Upstairs, the Tributes' mentors - Dylan, Isabella, Capone, Arvin, Hettienne, Nikolai, Tashigi, Cube, Shanks, Ajax, Llewellyn, Franky, Edmund, Law, Zeff, Kalifa, Annalease, Sabo, Luffy, Garp, Alabama, Sawyer, Stella-Rondo, and Apis - gathered to discuss pre-Games strategy.<p>

"**Fact: During the filming of the movie _Borat_, the FBI assigned a team to Sacha Barat Cohen due to numerous reports of a 'Middle Eastern man travelling the Midwest in an ice cream truck',**" Cube said.

"I'm just going to say it - My Tributes are going to win, because they're Capricorns and their District has the most Victors," Dylan said bluntly.

"My Tributes can go fuck themselves," Isabella said.

"We have the same Tributes, Isabella," Dylan pointed out.

"My Tributes can go fuck themselves!" Isabella repeated herself.

"That's sexual harassment!" Kalifa yelled to Isabella.

"That wasn't sexual harassment, and your statement mocks those who have actually been sexually harassed!" Isabella yelled back.

"When did you become a social justice warrior straight out of Tumblr?!" Law cried.

"When you won the Hunger Games last year, dingus!" Isabella yelled. Law sighed.

"Oh, yeah," Law said.

* * *

><p><strong>*Begin Flashback, A Year Ago*<strong>

_Law stood in the middle of the arena, which was Candy Mountain, when Vergo approached Law and punched him in the face._

_"We're going to Candy Mountain, Charlie!" Vergo yelled. Law said nothing as he punched Vergo in the face._

_"The Dream of the Nineties is alive in Portland, bitch!" Law yelled before he pushed Vergo into the Candy Mountain Candy Cave. "Bye, Charlie-ya! I hope you lose your freaking kidneys!"_

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

><p>"I hate all of you," Law said. "Except Stella-ya, Edmund-ya, and Isabella-ya. They're still cool."<p>

"Really?" Stella-Rondo asked. "Because I haven't washed my hair in four days, this is the same shirt I wore yesterday, I'm wearing a bikini under my clothes because all of my underwear is in the laundry, and I've been listening to the same Lana Del Rey song all day long because Lana Del Rey is amazing."

"As long as we're confessing shit - I placed bets for Heathcliffe and Aki to lose and for either Miller, Aomame, or Robin to win," Isabella said.

"That's illegal," Edmund said.

"You do it all the time, Edmund," Isabella argued. "You even voted that Aki would get horrifically tortured to death by Aomame, Beal, and Linus."

Everyone else glared at Edmund.

"I've made a huge mistake," Edmund said in the voice of Gob Bluth from Arrested Development.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Hunger Games began. This year, the arena was Doflamingo's large-ass estate.<p>

"Yeah, bitch!" Linus yelled in the voice of Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad as he shoved crayons down Beal's throat. Beal then spat the crayons out and kicked Linus in the crotch.

"Ow! I want my mommy!" Linus sobbed before his death cannon went off. Everyone then realized something.

"Hey! Let's go after Thorn! Nobody likes him, anyway!" Sanji yelled. Thorn laughed nervously as he got his guitar out.

"Can I sing you a song?" Thorn asked.

"No _Wonderwall_!" The other Tributes yelled. Thorn cleared his throat as he began to strum his guitar.

"_I was lost for a while -_" Thorn sang before Heathcliffe grabbed the back of his shirt and stabbed Thorn. As Thorn fell, Sanji, Miller, Beal, Tobias, Cima, Gareth, and Maeve took turns kicking Thorn in the crotch.

"Bye, bitch!" Sanji yelled to Thorn before he ran off with Robin.

"My mom says I'm cool," Thorn said before he died and his cannon went off. Everyone cheered.

"Hell yeah! Thorn's finally dead!" Ludovic yelled before Cima ran up to him and stabbed him.

"Hell yeah! Ludovic's finally dead, too!" Cima yelled before she ran off. Then, the Tributes split up.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, with Sanji and Robin...<p>

"_Let me be your everlasting light,_" Sanji sang to Robin.

"Please, don't," Robin said emotionlessly. Miller and Yukari then jumped out of some bushes.

"Give me my Winter Candy Apple and Frosted Gingerbread candles from Bath and Body Works right now, or Jen from Appleton, Wisconsin, gets fucking fired!" Miller yelled, holding his axe to Robin's neck. Robin and Sanji sweatdropped.

"You shop at Bath and Body Works?" Sanji asked. Miller nodded in response. "Tell me, do you like the Peach Bellini candles?"

"No, because Jen needs to check her shit," Yukari answered. Everyone grew silent.

"Want to go kill Aki and Heathcliffe together? We're in the Hunger Games, after all," Sanji suggested.

"Only if I get my Winter Candy Apple and Frosted Gingerbread candles, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, and bubble bath," Miller said.

"We have a deal," Sanji said. "District Capricorn ain't gonna win shit this year."

* * *

><p>At the end of the Games, everyone but Heathcliffe, Aki, and Thorn won due to some legal loopholes, bribes, getting pimped out on Aki and Heathcliffe's end, and Miller finally getting his Winter Candy Apple and Frosted Gingerbread candles, body washes, shampoos, conditioners, and bubble baths.<p>

"These are the worst fucking Games ever," Doflamingo commented as he watched the end of the Hunger Games with the mentors.

"You're just jealous that you couldn't return your three, Peach Bellini candles to Bath and Body Works, Doflamingo-ya," Law retorted.

"Shut up," Doflamingo said as he changed the channel.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: If you hate the Twilight saga, then you're going to love the 125th ChapterHalloween Special next chapter, just saying.**


	125. The 125th Chapter Halloween Special!

**Author's Note: **Happy Halloween, everyone! Since this year, Halloween was going to coincide with the 125th chapter of this fic, I decided to do a 125th Chapter/Halloween Special! The scary movie we'll be parodying this chapter?

The Twilight saga by Stephanie Meyers. A book series so horrible, that it doesn't deserve proper italics when I type it.

Also, just so we're clear on things, this fic will go on hiatus in exactly one month so I can update **The DysFUNctional Christmas **in honor of the holidays. This is the forth year of our cracky holiday spin-off, and I can't to start working on it again.

**Disclaimer: One Piece is the property of Eichiiro Oda. Foley Maeve is the property of The Procrastinator - MasQ. The Luna Pirates are the property of Nyx Penderghast. The song _Feel-Good Hit of the Summer _is the property of Queens of the Stone Age. Lastly, the Twilight saga is owned by Stephanie Meyers.**

* * *

><p><strong>Alt. Title: "The Best Parody of Twilight Ever"<strong>

It was a normal day in Las Vegas, Nevada, as Nico Olvia saw her "adopted" daughter, Isabella Sarutobi, off at the airport.

"Be strong for mother," Olvia said, tears falling from her eyes. Isabella rolled her eyes.

"If this turns into another parody of _The Black Isle_, don't come crying to me. Come crying to Amelia, since she was the protagonist of that adventure," Isabella explained.

"You're moving to South Lake Tahoe, not Yukijima. Yukijima doesn't exist in this AU," Olvia explained. "Now, remind me why you're moving out when Funkfreed is doing alright as a step-father."

Isabella facepalmed.

"Do I have to remind you that Funkfreed is an elephant?" Isabella asked.

"Nope. It's because I'm..." Olvia said before she paused and put on a pair of aviator sunglasses. "...Ignoring the elephant in the room."

_Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!_

Isabella sweatdropped.

"I'm gonna now. My new dad is waiting for me," Isabella said.

"Drive safe!" Olvia yelled as Isabella strutted into the airport.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, Isabella arrived in Lake Tahoe with her father, Smoker.<p>

"Sorry that we're late. I was binge-watching Toddlers and Tiaras," Smoker explained as the two entered Smoker's condo.

"I understand," Isabella said.

"Also, we may have to stay at a hotel every weekend or so," Smoker added. "This is a timeshare and I rent it out to skiiers, snowboarders, bored hipsters on vacation, and the creators of the hit show Where Are my Pants?"

Isabella sweatdropped.

"I'm down with that," Isabella said with an apathetic shrug.

* * *

><p>The next day, Isabella started class at her new school, Queens of the Stone Age High School.<p>

"Hi, my name is Isabella," Isabella introduced herself to her cooking class. "I'm not like other girls, because I'm a basic bitch. I'm also not like other basic bitches, since I am not basic. Any questions?"

A hipster named Trafalgar D. Watel Law stood up.

"My name is Ingio Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die," Law said.

"Law, sit down before I go Gordon Ramsay on your ass," Caesar Clown - the teacher - threatened. Law crossed his arms.

"Gordon Ramsay is too mainstream. I prefer Betty Crocker, the Batterwitch," Law said. Caesar Clown said nothing as he walked over to Law and began to eat the cupcakes he made.

"These cupcakes are so sugary, Fall Out Boy pulled the song _Sugar, We're Going Down _from their concert setlists and replaced it with _I Slept With Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me_!" Caesar Clown shouted in the voice of Gordon Ramsay. Isabella said nothing as she began to eat the cupcakes.

"They're fine," Isabella said. Caesar Clown screamed.

"I want my rent money now, bitch!" Caesar Clown shouted. Law and Isabella sweatdropped.

"Let's blow this Tupperware party and get Starbucks," Isabella said.

"Starbucks is too mainstream. Let's get coffee from the school cafeteria," Law said.

* * *

><p>At lunch, Law and Isabella got coffee.<p>

"So, you're a new kid, huh?" Law asked.

"Fuck yeah, I am," Isabella said.

"If you're the new kid to Queens of the Stone Age High School, what is our school's motto?" Law asked. Isabella took a deep breath.

"_Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol. Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol. Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol. Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol. Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol. C-C-C-C-C-C-Cocaine,_" Isabella sang. "But, seriously, why is your school's motto the entirety of the song _Feel-Good Hit of the Summer _when there is an anti-drug policy here?"

"Because Queens of the Stone Age is one of the best bands ever, duh!" Law pointed out.

"Did we just become best friends?!" Isabella asked.

"Hell yeah, we did!" Law said before he and Isabella fist-bumped.

* * *

><p>The next day, Isabella was walking to school when a van almost hit her.<p>

"Oh, no! I have so much to live for!" Isabella yelled as the van sped toward her.

"Van! Prepare to be vanquished!"

Law then pushed the van away. As Law pushed the van, Dellinger got out of the van and climbed onto the roof of the car.

"I almost hit Bella Swan with my car! Everything's coming up Millhouse!" Dellinger yelled. Isabella sweatdropped.

"Bitches be crazy..." Isabella said to herself. "I think I'll show up fifteen minutes late with Starbucks tomorrow."

* * *

><p>After school, Law and Isabella went to go hang out at a random clearing in the forest because they were the cool kids.<p>

"I know what you are," Isabella said.

"Say it," Law said.

"It," Isabella said with a smirk on her face. Law sighed and threw his hands in the air like he just didn't care.

"I'm a vampire, Isabella-ya!" Law yelled.

"Oh. Okay," Isabella said with a shrug. "Do you sparkle in direct sunlight like that douche bag Edward Cullen?"

"Fuck no!" Law yelled. "Also, I'm a vegan vampire, which means I only drink animal blood. You're safe."

"Good, because I have no romantic feelings for you, so, therefore, I will not become a one-dimensional Mary Sue like Bella Swan," Isabella explained. "However, it sucks that I have the same name as Bella Swan."

"That's rough, buddy," Law said with a whistle. "Wanna meet my family? I'm adopted."

"Adopted?" Isabella asked.

"I was turned into a vampire at the end of World War I," Law answered. "Coincidentally, I was turned into a vampire on a weekend, which explains why I like the band Vampire Weekend."

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Law and Isabella arrived at the resort across the street from where Isabella lived. A gas station and a convenience store were in front of the resort for some reason.<p>

"Why do you live in a hotel behind a gas station?" Isabella asked.

"It's not a hotel, it's my fucking mansion, Bella Swan-ya!" Law yelled as they entered the mansion.

"Don't call me that, Trafalgar D. Watel Law!" Isabella yelled.

"Cootie Queen?! Who are you calling 'Cootie Queen', you lint-licker!" Law yelled back. Isabella then bitch-slapped Law.

"There. That's what's up," Isabella said. "Where's your family?"

"They all died in World War I. Morgan Freeman narrated their death scene, and Wes Anderson directed their tragic story. They played _There is a Light That Never Goes Out _by The Smiths when my family died," Law explained sarcastically. Isabella sweatdropped.

"I meant the family that adopted you," Isabella pointed out. Law cleared his throat.

"Yukari, Kazura, Hunter, Stella-Rondo, Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey, Locke, Aurelia, Mason, Aleksandar, Pearl, Lien, Fernando, Daiyu, Jin-Mao, Miller, Opal, Alto, Daruma, Marlene, Alton, Nigel, Kipton, Basil, get the fuck down here before I break some of your records!" Law yelled.

"They went on strike!"

"Why?!" Law yelled back.

"Because they said that the Twilight saga was the worst!"

Law sighed.

"Fine!" Law yelled. "Eta, Desdemona, Hettienne, Griffin, Matilda, Peter, Ecru, Arrowe, Eliezer, Enoch, Hatori, Gaerik, Ada, Odette, Hadrian, Madison, Nikolai, Etsuko, Dylan, Showtarou, Gareth, get the fuck down here before I murder all of you a thousand times!"

The Virgos then came down the stairs.

"Look, Law, we're not your family," Desdemona pointed out.

"Shut up, Mona-ya. You're my family until the Libras come back," Law said. "Anyway, I'd like you to meet Isabella-ya, my new friend."

"Are you guys vampires?" Isabella asked. The Virgos laughed.

"Hell no!" Griffin yelled. "Because I, Griffin Dane Cook Gethard, am not a gay, emo fairy played by Robert Pattinson!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"So, Madison-ya, what's for dinner?" Law asked the chef of the Virgos.

"Processed food," Madison answered in a monotone tone of voice.

"Cool," Law said in the voice of Abed Nadir from Community. "Cool, cool, cool."

* * *

><p>Outside, the Libras were on strike.<p>

"Am I the only one who thinks that the Capricorns are behind this parody of the worst book ever?" Kazura asked everyone.

"You're not alone," Edmund said. "I think they play the Volturi."

"OMG! Like, how did you know?!"

The Capricorns then approached the Libras. Rhett said nothing as he got out a pocketknife.

"Hi. Get lost or I stab you with this," Rhett threatened.

* * *

><p>Inside the mansion, the Virgos, Isabella, and Law sat down for dinner, ready to feast on...<p>

"Nature Valley granola bars?! Oh, boy!" Isabella shouted with joy.

"Yep! Dig in!" Dylan said, attempting to slice the thick, hard, granola bar with his knife. Dylan laughed nervously as everyone else stared at him trying to cut up a granola bar. "What? We're rich, so we're supposed to eat everything with silverware."

Nikolai said nothing as he put his feet onto the table and lit a cigarette. Law then put out Nikolai's cigarette.

"Niko-ya, there is a gas station in front of our mansion. Please don't smoke here, or we're all going to die in a Michael Bay explosion," Law explained. Nikolai rolled his eyes like a teenage girl - I mean, like the badass, Russian, bounty hunter that we all know and love.

"So... Anything good happen in your lives?" Isabella asked.

"I killed a guy for science," Desdemona said.

"Tell me more," Isabella said.

"LOL. Just kidding," Desdemona said. "We actually made friends with werewolves."

"I thought werewolves and vampires hated each other," Isabella said.

"Nah. These bitches are cool," Law said. "They're coming over later tonight because... Because. Yeah, because. Because, because, because."

Everyone else sweatdropped.

"So, who wants cake?" Law said.

"The cake is a lie. I made pie," Madison said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, In France...<p>

"Oi, when's the next flight back to California?" Zoro, one of the werewolves, asked his fellow werewolves, the Straw Hats.

"**Fact: Wilford Brimley, the 'diabeetus' guy, was the bodyguard to Howard Hughes,**" Cube said. Everyone sweatdropped.

"How did we fuck up this badly?" Nami asked Sanji.

"We gave the Marimo free reign of the GPS system," Sanji answered. "Now, if anybody knows where we can get a shotgun, Molotov cocktails, a chainsaw, every season of Rugrats on Blu-Ray, bottles of mace, and a Costco-sized tub of Oreo cream frosting, let me know."

* * *

><p>The next day, Law and Isabella were walking to Law's house from school.<p>

"...So, do you want to go to homecoming with me?" Law asked Isabella.

"Fuck no. That shit sucks orange creamsicles," Isabella said.

"You're right. Let's not go to homecoming. We've got other shit to do," Law said.

"Such as?" Isabella asked, pointing to the Libras, who were still on strike.

"Oi, Libras, can I join in?! I don't want to be Edward Cullen anymore!" Law yelled.

"You signed yourself up for this shit! Join another protest group!" Edmund yelled as the Virgos exited the mansion, carrying glasses of Tang orange juice and trays of Rice Krispie squares.

"We made Tang and Rice Krispie squares!" Hettienne yelled.

"Hell yeah! That's the shit! Tang and Rice Krispie squares!" Edmund yelled, slowly putting down his placard.

"Tang and Rice Krispie squares suck. Give us... Pancakes? Dartbrow Brow, quit changing my lines!"

"Maeve did it!"

"My personalities said so!"

"Honhonhon, baugette, Eiffel Tower, French resistance, Gerard Depardieu."

"**Fact: Reno, Nevada, was the first city in America to legalize and relax divorce proceedings.**"

The Straw Hats then approached everyone.

"What are you guys doing here?" Kazura asked.

"We're werewolves!" Luffy said.

"Wait... So, Isabella is Bella, Law is Edward, but who's Jacob? You?" Edmund asked Luffy.

"Nope! Zoro's Jacob, but he's not here!" Luffy said.

"Luffy, Zoro's... Not here?!" Sanji cried. "Where the [Queens of the Stone Age] did he go?!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Zoro ended up at Niagra Falls, Canada.<p>

"Oi, can you tell me where I am?" Zoro asked Tashigi.

"I will, but you have to defeat my Seven Evil Exes first," Tashigi said as she motioned to Hawkins, Perona, Buggy, Yvonne, Mihawk, Rhett, and Bullet.

"Wait, isn't Rhett supposed to be back at Lake Tahoe with everyone else? This parody of the Twilight saga makes no sense!" Buggy cried.

"It's not supposed to make sense. All of us hate the Twilight saga," Bullet explained.

"Are we not going to talk about how Tashigi apparently went through a quote-unquote 'sexy phase' with Yvonne and me? Bisexual erasure in the media is not cool, yo," Perona asked everyone.

"How did we go from Zoro getting hopelessly lost to a rant on social justice?" Tashigi asked.

"I don't know, I don't want to know, and I don't want to be in this parody anymore," Rhett answered.

"Hey, I like you," Zoro said, pointing to Rhett. "We both hate the Twilight saga and we're both confused as fuck. Now, can you tell me where I am before the giant chicken inside of me spontaneously combusts?"

Rhett sweatdropped as he pulled out his iPhone.

"Edmund, it's Rhett. I'm going to be late for our next protest against being in this Twilight parody. Hella late. Get Miller to fill in for me," Rhett said before he hung up.

"In the meantime, does anybody at least want to re-enact _Scott Pilgrim vs. The World_? Because it's still a better love story than the Twilight saga," Buggy asked everyone.

"As long as I call 'dibs' on Ramona Flowers," Zoro said.

* * *

><p>The next day, Rhett and Zoro re-joined the Straw Hats, Libras, Virgos, Law, and Isabella.<p>

"**Fact: During the Great Depression, none of the banks in the city of San Francisco closed,**" Cube said.

"Rhett, Zoro, where did you go?" Luffy asked Rhett and Zoro.

"We went to Canada, Luffy," Rhett said.

"Did you see the Aries? They're from Canada," Luffy asked.

"I think we saw Beal," Zoro said. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Yeah. I want out of this parody," Kazura said to Edmund.

"Oi, peasants! We came for Law!"

The Capricorns approached the group.

"You can't have him, you... You cereal-eaters!" Zoro yelled. The Capricorns then gasped in shock.

"Oh, the indignity!" Kartik yelled before he passed out. Heathcliffe then slapped Zoro across the face.

"What the [fudge HoHos] is wrong with you?!" Zoro yelled as he lunged toward Heathcliffe. However, Sanji grabbed Zoro and pulled him back. "What the hell, Shit Cook?!"

"What are we supposed to be, Zoro?" Sanji asked.

"Werewolves, not swearwolves," The Straw Hats said in unison. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Sorry, guys, but this does not change the fact that I want to kill the Capricorns," Kazura said.

"Kazura, I want the Capricorns to go away too, but killing them doesn't really solve anything," Miller said.

"Miller-ya, your parents aren't even part of the Capricorns. They're, like, a lumberjack and his wife or some shit," Law pointed out.

"Umm... We're supposed to kidnap Law," Heathcliffe pointed out.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, pretty boy-ya," Law said. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"I don't think this is how the Twilight saga went. I read the books when I was twelve, and I regret it," Amelia said. Kartik then threw the entire Twilight saga and all related merchandise at his kids.

"Read this or I'm disowning you from the Abingdon family," Kartik threatened.

"Dad, no. The Twilight saga makes me want to take a shower because it's so wrong," Rhett explained.

"READ IT!" Kartik yelled in a demonic tone of voice as he handcuffed Law.

"This is very sexual and I'd prefer if you stop this," Law explained to Kartik, who bitch-slapped Law with a spatula.

"Where the [Leslie Knope porpise call goes here] did he get that spatula?!" Sanji cried as the Capricorns carried Law off.

"Isabella-ya, fight the fairies!" Law yelled. Everyone grew silent.

"So, I think it's in our best interests to do a rescue mission," Kazura said.

"I have to ask my dad first. He's a cop, and he works a night shift tonight. Plus, it's a school night," Isabella explained.

"Isabella, it's Thursday. It's okay to skip school on Fridays," Dylan explained.

"Fridays be damned. We're getting Law back," Isabella said.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Isabella returned to her condo to pick up some mace, a baseball bat, and the book <em>And as It is Such, So Also as Such is it Unto You<em>.

"Dad, I'm going to go kill some sparkly vampires while trying to save my friend who is a hipster vampire!" Isabella called out to her dad.

"Have fun! If you get home early, there's money for pizza!" Smoker yelled from the other room.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, Isabella met up with the Virgos, Libras, and Straw Hats in the parking lot of Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Ski Resort and Casino. Everyone shuddered.<p>

"Never again," Griffin said.

"You've actually been here before?!" Hettienne asked. Griffin then sushed Hettienne as he patted her face.

"Never again," Griffin whispered. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"**Fact: More billionaires are born in New York City than in any other city in the world,**" Cube said.

"So, what's our plan of action?" Kazura asked everyone.

"Kill ALL the Capricorn vampires!" Isabella said. Everyone sweatdropped again.

"Uhh... We'll see," Edmund said. "For now... For Law!"

The Libras, Virgos, Straw Hats, and Isabella then charged into the hotel and into an elevator. As their elevator slowly went up, elevator music played in the background.

"So... This music is catchy," Fernando said. Then, the elevator doors opened onto an expensive penthouse, and the search party stepped inside. Inside the penthouse, Law was tied to a chair and the Capricorns were standing behind him.

"Of course, you show up to the battle fifteen minutes late with Starbucks," Yuki-Rin commented. Isabella then looked down at the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks she had and threw it in Yuki-Rin's face.

"Bitch, we want Law back!" Isabella yelled.

"Well, you can't have him," Yuki-Rin said. Everyone raised their weapons. "Okay, you can have Law, but on one condition."

"I am not going to pimp myself out," Kazura pointed out. Yuki-Rin facepalmed.

"Look, we don't always pimp people out!" Yuki-Rin yelled. "All you have to do to get Law back is to attend Heathcliffe and Aki's wedding on Saturday!"

"Yes, you pimp - Wait... What?! They're only teenagers!" Kazura cried.

"You're worse vampires than the Cullens from Twilight!" Law yelled to the Capricorns. Edmund sighed.

"Well, I guess this is going to be a..." Edmund said before he put some sunglasses on. "...Vampire Weekend."

_Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh!_

* * *

><p>Come Saturday afternoon, Aki and Heathcliffe had a fancy wedding on the shores of Lake Tahoe. The Capricorns wore their best formal attire, and the Libras, Virgos, Straw Hats, Law, and Isabella came in their street clothes.<p>

"This wedding sucks donut holes," Isabella said. Law leaned closer to Isabella, bearing his vampire fangs.

"You know, if I turned you into a vampire right here and right now, this wedding could be interesting," Law suggested. Isabella shrugged.

"To be fair, turning me into a vampire like you is totally not a romantic gesture, but -" Isabella said before she was cut off.

"What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?!"

Hawkins then appeared, wearing the Sassy, Gay Friend's scarf around his neck.

"Uhh... Law is a vampire, and he wanted to turn me into a vampire to make this stupid wedding more exciting," Isabella explained.

"So we talk about turning other people into vampires?! TURNING OTHER PEOPLE INTO VAMPIRES?!" Hawkins cried.

"I wasn't going to have sex with Isabella-ya or anything! I know better than that!" Law cried. "Plus, we're not even dating!"

Hawkins facepalmed.

"Honey, you've got a big storm coming," Hawkins said to Law. "Look at your life, look at your choices."

"You should really be giving Heathcliffe and Aki this pep talk. I mean, they're getting married, and they're still teenagers," Isabella explained. Hawkins turned to Heathcliffe and Aki.

"Look at your life, look at your choices!" Hawkins yelled. "You're getting married at SEVENTEEN?!"

"I've always wanted to get married and have children," Aki argued. Isabella faceplamed.

"You need Jesus," Isabella said bluntly to Aki.

"I don't even know what the age of consent in Lake Tahoe is!" Hawkins argued.

"Hawkins, you do know that two-thirds of Lake Tahoe is in California and the other third is in Nevada, right?" Kazura asked. Hawkins facepalmed.

"You're a stupid bitch," Hawkins said to Aki and Heathcliffe before he left. Everyone sweatdropped as Aki burst into tears.

"Yeah, this wedding sucks donut holes," Isabella said.

* * *

><p>That night, as Heathcliffe and Aki's wedding reception went on, Law and Isabella ditched everyone else to hang out at Law's mansion alone.<p>

"So... The Capricorns have been defeated, you saved me, and we're all living happily ever after," Law explained. Law and Isabella grew silent.

"I have an idea," Isabella said. "Let's order pizza and stream Parks and Recreation on Netflix. If anything romantic happens, I still have the mace from when we rescued you, and I'm not afraid to use it."

Law smiled.

"Sounds awesome!" Law said. "Afterward, can we go to Denny's?"

"Sure. America's diner is always open," Isabella said.

* * *

><p>The scene then cut to the Valkyrie, where the Luna Pirates were telling each other scary stories while waiting for trick-or-treaters.<p>

"And, Law and Isabella lived happily ever after. They didn't fall in love, because Law thought that shit was too mainstream. The end," Nyx said. Only Lea clapped.

"That was the worst Halloween story ever!" Aeris yelled. Nyx shrugged.

"I like it. Suck it up," Nyx said. "Now, I believe it's Cloud and Levi's turn for their parody of Twilight."

"You'll like it. Heathcliffe and Aki play Edward and Bella, and there's lots of sex," Levi explained. Hermes then got up and walked out of the room. "Come on! You don't have to like sex to enjoy our story!"

"Twilight is shit!" Hermes yelled back. Cloud shrugged.

"Fair enough. We shall begin," Cloud said. "The year was 1937, and the city was Shanghai..."

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>And that, kids, is the best parody of Twilight ever.

**Review if you want more parodies of bad books!**


	126. The Libras Go to Dashcon

**Author's Note: **Welcome, everyone, to Dashcon! Everyone who reads this will get an extra hour in the ballpit!

Now, before we begin the convention, I need to go over something - Next week, the day before Thanksgiving I will post the last update to **The DysFUNctional Pirates **for the year. Why? Well, you know what time of year it is... Time to update **The DysFUNctional Christmas**! You know the drill: **The DysFUNctional Christmas **will update between next Wednesday and just before New Year's, with **The DysFUNctional Pirates **returning to its normal update schedule after New Year's.

Anyway, let's start Dashcon.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, Dashcon, or the Luna Pirates. Nyx Penderghast owns the Lunas.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal morning on the Coachella as the Libras had breakfast.<p>

"So... The Lunas gave us tickets to Dashcon," Jin-Mao said. Everyone grew silent.

"Dashcon? You mean that Tumblr convention that fucking failed?" Mason asked.

"Yep! The Lunas are going to try to run a better version of Dashcon!" Jin-Mao said.

"Jin-Mao, burn those tickets. We all heard about how much of a disaster Dashcon was," Kazura explained.

"Uhh... No. Would you rather go to the Brony Con the Lunas are doing to get out of doing community service with Garp?" Jin-Mao asked. Nobody answered. "I thought so."

"Good. I met a Brony on Tinder once and it didn't end well," Stella-Rondo said. Everyone grew silent.

"You're on Tinder?" Miller asked slowly.

"Yeah. Hit me up, Pratt," Stella-Rondo answered. Everyone sweatdropped.

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, the Libras arrived at the hotel Dashcon would be at.<p>

"You know, if this turns out to be the worst event ever, there's supposed to be a very obscure ping-pong tournament going on down the street if you want out," Edmund said to everyone.

"But, Edmund, if we go to that, we won't get the extra hour in the Dashcon ball pit!" Jin-Mao cried.

"I don't need an extra hour in the Dashcon ball pit!" Edmund argued.

"Be glad we didn't have to pay $17,000 to attend this convention!" Jin-Mao argued.

"At least I put $17,000 to more useful things, such as concert tickets, thrift shopping, Sunday brunches, and to maintain our chill, hipster aesthetic," Edmund explained. "Technically, we shouldn't even be here. Even Tumblr is too mainstream sometimes."

"I came to kick ass and ruin people's chill, hipster aesthetics, but there are no hipsters to ruin."

The Lunas approached the Libras.

"Hello, Lunas," The Libras greeted emotionlessly.

"Hello, hipster peasants," Cloud said seductively. Everyone sweatdropped.

"I'm straight," Hunter said in a deadpan tone of voice. Lea then got out a Taser and tased Cloud.

"Ignore him, because come next month, he may be in sex rehab," Lea explained.

"Anyway... What are we supposed to do here for an entire weekend?" Kazura asked.

"Give us $17,000 dollars," Nyx requested.

"What?!" The Libras cried.

"I mean, have fun! There's going to be a ball pit..." Nyx said.

"If you aren't a fucking idiot, you get an extra hour in the ball pit," Hermes added.

"...A live Welcome to Night Vale show..." Nyx said.

"It got cancelled!" Rina said cheerfully.

"...Trivia..." Nyx said.

"Grand prize is those mints you get in fancy hotel rooms," Klaus added.

"...And fun and engaging panels!" Nyx said.

"We allow children in the BDSM panels!" Levi said.

"You can't do that! That's against the law!" Miller said to Levi. The Lunas then sent death glares to Levi.

"Yeah, Levi, when a lumberjack hipster who uses outdated slang terms such as 'bless your beautiful hide' and 'gee whiz' calls you out on your shit, you know you've fucked up big-time," Aeris explained.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, all of the Libra males but Alton, Daruma, Edmund, and Kazura ended up bathing together at the hotel's bathhousehot springs.

"I feel so uncomfortable..." Hunter said. "I hope I get an extra hour in the ballpit for this."

"Also, where are Edmund and Kazura?" Rhett asked.

"They're lucky. They're missing out on bathing in a hot spring with several of their guy friends," Hunter said.

* * *

><p>Up in Edmund's room, Edmund was playing the trombone while Kazura was slamming an oven door open and closed.<p>

"Edmund, why are we re-enacting that one Vine?" Kazura asked.

"It gets us out of going to the hot springs with everyone else," Edmund answered before he resumed playing the trombone and Kazura resumed slamming the oven door open and closed.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras regrouped and decided to attend a panel.<p>

"Welcome, everyone, to our panel on the country of Canada!" Beal announced to a crowd that mainly consisted of the Libras, the Straw Hats, Vivi, and Smoker.

"Show me your boobs!" Smoker yelled, too drunk to know what was going on. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"I'm sorry. What?" Indie asked Smoker.

"**Fact: The actor who played Crabbe in the Harry Potter movies was arrested for growing marijuana, participating in the 2011 riots in London, and posessing a Molotov cocktail**," Cube said.

"I have no clue what's going on," Kazura said.

"Welcome to my world," The other Libras said in unison. Beal cleared his throat.

"Be quiet, or you will not get an extra hour in the ballpit," Beal announced.

"I don't want an extra hour in the ballpit! There is only Doc McStuffins!" Zoro yelled. A pair of headphones was taped to his ears.

"Zoro, why are there headphones taped to your ears? Why is there only Doc McStuffins?" Kazura asked.

"Says the hipster in the Joy Division T-shirt!" Zoro yelled back.

"You're being obtuse as shit right now, Zoro, and it isn't actute," Perona pointed out. Several people in the room who like math jokes and/or puns laughed.

"That didn't answer my question," Kazura said. "Why are there headphones taped to Zoro's ears? Why is there only Doc McStuffins?"

Zoro pulled a vintage iPod from out of his haramaki.

"Usopp put all of my records into this rectangle! It's an excellent rectangle!" Zoro yelled.

"That still doesn't answer Kazura's question of why your headphones are taped to your ears," Beaker stated.

"These aren't my headphones. They belong to Princess Sparkle Pony," Zoro said.

"Why are they taped to your ears?!" Kazura cried.

"I'm going to go play rugby! Don't forget to tape your ears!" Zoro yelled before he hopped out of the nearest window. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Nobody gets the extra fucking hour in the ballpit!" Hermes yelled.

* * *

><p>After the panel on Canada was done, the Libras walked down the street to Denny's to get some dinner.<p>

"I think we need to re-think our plans," Edmund said as he and Kazura played the skill crane game at the front of the restaurant.

"Such as?" Kazura asked. Edmund leaned in to whisper something to Kazura.

"We take control of the ballpit. Enough of this extra hour bullshit," Edmund said.

"Why us?" Kazura asked.

"Because this con sucks, and nobody else on the crew deserves the extra hour in the ballpit. Except Yukari," Edmund answered. "Do you have any ideas?"

Kazura grew silent.

"Hurry up with my damn croissants!" Smoker yelled from behind Kazura and Edmund.

"I've got an idea, but you won't like it," Kazura said as he pulled out his iPhone and called someone. "Hi. I can't believe I'm calling you assholes, but I need a favor. No, I won't do anything in return, because fuck you."

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Capricorns arrived at the hotel Dashcon was being held, dressed as though they were going to a fancy wedding and not Dashcon.<p>

"Hello, Capricorns," Nyx said.

"We're here for the wedding of Aeris Rockbell and Levi Greyback," Yuki-Rin announed.

"Perfect. That'll be $17,000," Nyx said. "Per person."

"And what will our entry fee cover?" Yuki-Rin asked.

"A multi-course dinner, drinks, and a chance to spend the night with the world's most expensive courteaseans," Nyx explained.

"We're in!" Heathcliffe yelled.

* * *

><p>With the Lunas distracted by the fake wedding, the Libras made their way back to the main hall with the ballpit.<p>

"So... Who's going to get that extra hour?" Edmund asked everyone.

"It would be me, since I am a man of character," Rhett answered.

"You got that from Azumanga Daioh, didn't you?" Daiyu asked.

"What's that?" Rhett asked.

"I get the extra hour because I'm the one who brought all of you here!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"That's no reason to get the extra hour in the ballpit!" Everyone else yelled.

"I'm willing to go to war over this!" Locke yelled. "I get the extra hour in the ballpit!"

"You don't deserve the extra hour in the ballpit!" Hunter yelled, raising his crowbar.

"Hush up, Hunter, and put the crowbar down!" Miller yelled, pulling out his hatchet.

"iSilencio, Pratt! iTu eres una puta!" Fernando yelled as he pulled his cleaver out. (1)

"Kazura, run! Grab the ballpit!" Edmund yelled. Kazura and Edmund then ran over to the ballpit and picked it up.

"Hey! They're makin' off with the bloody ballpit!" Nigel yelled.

"Lock the doors! Lock the doors!" Locke yelled. Before anybody could lock the doors leading into the hall, Edmund and Kazura ran out of the room. "Damn it! Why didn't anybody lock the doors?!"

"You puta! You puta!" Fernando yelled. The Libras then followed Edmund and Kazura, only to end up at the Lunas' fake wedding.

"Uhh... Hi," Amelia said.

"Do you guys have $17,000?" Nyx asked.

"No. But, can you give all of us an extra hour in the ballpit?" Mason asked.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at a park far away from the hotel, Edmund and Kazura were sitting in the ballpit doing nothing.<p>

"Remember how Fernando kept calling us 'bitches' in Spanish because we made off with the ballpit?" Edmund asked.

"Yep," Kazura answered. "But, you should've seen Miller get all angry and say 'hush up' like an old-timey prospector."

Edmund and Kazura laughed as an alarm on Kazura's iPhone went off.

"Your phone went off," Edmund said. Kazura got his phone out, looked at his screen, and stopped laughing.

"Oh, no," Kazura said seriously.

"What happened?" Edmund asked.

"The Lunas are planning another Dashcon. Dashcon2," Kazura said. "That, and they just sent the rest of our crew to find us."

"Run to the safe, East Coast side!" Edmund yelled as he and Kazura got out of the ballpit, picked it up, and ran off.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) - <strong>"Silence, Pratt. You're a bitch."

**Review if you want to see the Thanksgiving/Black Friday special!**


	127. The Black Friday Episode

**Author's Note: **Well, this was originally going to be just a normal chapter where the Libras go shopping during Black Friday. I had no idea that it would turn out like this, and I may have to do a longer fic about it.

Well... This is also our last chapter of the year. Bittersweet, I know. But, hey, at least **The DysFUNctional Christmas **is back for the holidays. Because the holidays are so awesome, we made a spin-off of this fic just for the holidays.

**Disclaimer: Nyx Penderghast owns the Lunas, The Procrastination - MasQ owns Aldwin and Maeve, Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece, and I own everything else.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal Thanksgiving as the Libras - all decked out in their ironic, hipster, holiday sweaters - were preparing for their Thanksgiving feast.<p>

"Sweaters off, we're going Black Friday shopping!" Edmund announced. Everyone then took off their sweaters, revealing their coats, scarves, and jackets underneath.

"What about Thanksgiving dinner?" Kazura asked.

"That was to confuse the Capricorns. We're going to Denny's later, because America's diner is always open," Edmund answered. Everyone grew silent.

"Denny's is open on Thanksgiving? I thought America's diner was always open," Zoro asked.

"Where did you come from?!" Jin-Mao cried.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras arrived at the mall, which already had a long line.<p>

"Oi, Usopp, thanks for holding our place," Edmund said as they approached Usopp, who was standing at the front of the line.

"No problem. The rest of my crew was under police order to not celebrate Thanksgiving this year," Usopp explained.

"What happened?" Kazura asked. Usopp's expression darkened.

"Last year, William Shatner told me to burn things," Usopp said. "He told me to burn down the Sunny by deep-frying the turkey."

The Libras sweatdropped.

"We'll get you a William Shatner bobblehead this year for Christmas," Edmund said as the Libras took their places in line.

"Hey! They can't line-cut! This isn't Grandpa Garp's Bauhaus Shopping Arcade!" Doflamingo yelled. Everyone shuddered.

"Last time I checked, you supported the Capricorns," Locke said.

"Last time I checked, the Capricorns wanted to pimp all of you out," Doflamingo said. The doors of the mall then opened, and Locke kicked Doflamingo in the balls.

"Punk-ass book jockeys!" Locke yelled as the Libras ran into the mall.

"Okay, are we splitting up?" Kazura asked.

"Of course," Edmund said. "Pair up. Yukari with Kazura, Stella-Rondo with Miller, Hunter with Beaker, Amelia with Rhett, Bridey with me, Locke with Mason, Aleksandar with Lien, Pearl with Aurelia, Fernando with Alto, Jin-Mao with Daiyu, Daruma with Marlene, Nigel with Kipton, Basil with Toru, and Opal with Alton. Meet back here in an hour."

"Where? In front of Macy's or in front of the bridal gown store that's right behind me?" Mason asked sarcastically. Edmund sighed.

"Macy's," Edmund answered. "Because... Uhh... It's Macy's."

"Motherfucking Macy's sale!" Nami and Nojiko yelled as they ran past Edmund.

* * *

><p>After splitting up, Jin-Mao and Daiyu went straight to the video game store.<p>

"_Swingin' in your backyard, pull up in your fast car whistlin' my name!_" Jin-Mao sang as he held up a Playstation 4.

"Hey! That's mine!" Luffy cried.

"I put my fingerprints on it first!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"I ran over to it first!" Luffy said as he pulled out a butter knife.

"A knife?! You want to stab me over a game console?! How much crack cocaine did you put in your Lucky Charms this morning?!" Jin-Mao cried. Luffy then stabbed Jin-Mao in the torso.

"They're always after me Lucky Charms, bitch!" Luffy yelled before he ran off with the Playstation 4. Daiyu then grabbed the butter knife from Jin-Mao and threw it into Luffy's straw hat. As soon as the knife hit the straw hat, Luffy stopped to take his hat off.

"L'eggo my Eggo, bitch!" Daiyu yelled as she took the PS4 from Luffy and ran out of the store. Everyone grew silent.

"Can somebody call an ambulance over?" Jin-Mao asked everyone in the store. "I think I'm going to bleed to death."

* * *

><p>In Nordstrom, Locke and Mason were browsing the women's section.<p>

"So, why did we come here?" Locke asked.

"To find a cheetah-print coat," Mason answered, looking at a liger-print coat.

"Why?" Locke asked.

"My Christmas gift to Stella-Rondo. It's some crazy, sex fantasy you wouldn't know about," Mason explained. Locke sweatdropped.

"I wouldn't know about your weird, teenage urges," Locke said slowly. Mason grabbed the cheetah-print coat from the rack.

"You'd know if you listened to Arctic Monkeys more," Mason said before he strutted out of Nordstrom with the coat, setting off the shoplifting alarms.

"Sweet Mother Theresa on the hood of a Mercedes Benz..." Locke commented to himself.

"Can I offer you an egg in this trying time?" Brook asked in the voice of Danny DeVito.

"No. I want out," Locke said.

* * *

><p>Upstairs, Daruma and Marlene were boarding an escalator.<p>

"What did Edmund make us get?" Marlene asked.

"He never said anything, so I assume we're getting his Christmas presents," Daruma answered.

"I'm getting him season four of Game of Thrones and -" Marlene said before she was pushed out of the way by Yuki-Rin.

"Move out of the fucking way, Lean Cuisine fish sticks! I need that Prada bag for Karin!" Yuki-Rin yelled before she pushed Marlene down the escalator. Daruma got his crossbow out and loaded a bolt.

"The Lannisters send their regards," Daruma said before he shot the crowssbow, hitting Yuki-Rin in the stomach. As Yuki-Rin fell to the ground in slow motion, the _Mmm, What'cha Say? _song played in the background.

"Yuki-Rin! Don't die! You're too much of an interesting villain to die!"

Kazuma ran up to Daruma, brandishing his katana in the process. Daruma then grabbed Kazuma and threw him off of the bridge connecting two sides of the mall.

"I got all of her money. Let's go blow it on gifts for everyone."

Daruma turned back and saw Marlene, who was holding a giant wad of cash.

"Next stop - That random place that sells Shamwows and knife sets," Daruma said.

* * *

><p>At Bath and Body Works, Stella-Rondo and Miller were trying to buy candles.<p>

"Hey, since it's Black Friday and all, I was wondering if you could exchange my Peach Bellini candles for me," Stella-Rondo said to Lea, who was working the cashier and wore a nametag that said "Jen" on it.

"What candles do you want?" Lea asked.

"Winter Candy Apple and Frosted Gingerbread, both with three wicks," Stella-Rondo explained.

"Basic bitch..." Lea muttered as she turned to the wall of candles behind her. After looking at the candles for exactly five seconds, Lea turned back to the two hipsters. "I'm sorry, but the candles you have requested are in an off-site warehouse."

"You didn't even try," Miller pointed out as he put random stuff onto the counter. "As for me, I'll take these Peach Bellini, Winter Candy Apple, and Frosted Gingerbread candles, soaps, shampoos, and bubble baths."

Stella-Rondo grew deathly silent.

"How does Miller get those candles and I don't?!" Stella-Rondo yelled.

"There's an 800 number you can call," Lea answered. Stella-Rondo then grabbed Lea's throat.

"Lea... You need to check your shit out," Stella-Rondo said.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the mall had descended into chaos due to the Black Friday deals. Inside the Barnes and Noble located just outside of the mall, Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, and Bridey had taken cover inside of the Starbucks.<p>

"Edmund, when I said I wanted a break from book shopping, I didn't mean get attacked!" Rhett yelled.

"I didn't ask for this either!" Edmund yelled back. The four grew silent as they watched Enoch get out a large club and attempt to whack Koala in the head.

"I need that limited-edition copy of _Pride and Prejudice _for my niece!" Enoch yelled as Koala held a book to her chest.

"I need this book! Get your own!" Koala yelled.

"Uncle Enoch, no!" Bridey yelled as she and Amelia ran up to Koala and took the book from her. As Koala started kicking at the two, Amelia bitch-slapped Koala. "Uncle Enoch, run!"

Enoch said nothing as he picked up a rack of DVDs and threw it through the nearest window. Enoch then jumped out of said window.

"Shut the fuck up, Donnie! You are way out of your element!" Koala yelled as she hit Amelia in the head with a copy of _Twilight. _Amelia pushed Koala off of her, took Bridey by the hand, and took off running.

"Punk-ass book jockeys!" Amelia yelled as she and Bridey pushed over a bookshelf to block Koala. A few feet away...

"Here. Lick this until the end of it looks like a prison shiv," Edmund explained as he handed a candy cane to Rhett.

"Don't worry. I am the king of licking candy canes until they look like prison shivs," Rhett explained before he began to lick the candy cane.

"Amelia and Bridey are going to go find an exit. I'm going to patrol the store. You stay here and make those prison shivs," Edmund explained to Rhett before he ran off.

* * *

><p>Back inside the mall, Nigel and Kipton were both cornered by Baroque Works inside of Red Robin.<p>

"You told me we would be safe at J. Crew!" Kipton yelled as he held back Baroque Works members with his cricket bat.

"I didn't bloody know Baroque Works liked preppy sweaters! Edmund is goin' to bloody hate us!" Nigel yelled. Miss Doublefinger then grabbed the sweaters from Kipton's hands.

"Bye-bye!" Miss Doublefinger yelled as she ran off.

"You vile cow! I hope you get knocked down by a car!" Kipton yelled as he chased after Miss Doublefinger. Crocodile and Miss Valentine's Day inched closer to Nigel, who grabbed two plastic knives from the counter behind him.

"Piss off!" Nigel yelled as he stabbed Crocodile in the hand with one of the knives.

"Or else what? You'll play One Direction songs? You'll call the Doctor? You'll spill scalding hot tea on my balls?" Crocodile asked. Nigel then kicked Crocodile in said balls.

"That's the closest I can bloody do without wastin' the good, Darjeeling tea!" Nigel yelled before he grabbed the waffle maker Miss Valentine's Day was holding and ran off.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Kipton had barricaded himself in the Lego store and was now assembling a large, Lego wall with Law, Tashigi, Aldwin, the Aries Pirates, and Kaku.<p>

"Have you guys seen any of the Libras around?" Kipton asked.

"I saw Mason-ya running toward Lady Foot Locker with a Molotov cocktail," Law answered. "It was awesome."

"Yukari and Kazura are hiding in Urban Outfitters," Aomame answered. "I hid there earlier after Kumadori left me for dead over several bras. Several bras!"

"I think I saw Beaker and Hunter run out of a Payless shoe store. Part of the store was on fire, so I don't know if they set the fire or if the leprechaun told them to burn things," Kaku explained.

"How did things become so lawless and crazy?" Kipton asked.

"It happens every year at this mall. Thankfully, nobody has died in any of these riots," Tashigi explained.

"Oi! Who's behind the wall?!"

Everybody behind the Lego wall crouched down.

"Who's there?!" Beal asked.

"It's Soren and Teru!"

Kipton clutched his cricket bat even tighter.

"Piss off, you wanker!" Kipton yelled.

"Ooh! Soren, one of the British Libras is behind the wall!"

"Break the fucking wall, Teru! We need those Lego sex toys!"

Everyone sweatdropped as Soren and Teru began to take apart the Lego wall. The Aries Pirates screamed.

"Run! Bloomingdales has several mini-stores inside of it, so we'll be safe there!" Indie yelled before the Aries Pirates ran off, taking extra measures not to step on any Lego bricks.

"Surprise, bitch!" Soren yelled as he stepped over the last of the Lego wall. As Teru began to build some type of Lego prison around Tashigi and Kaku, Law began throwing Duplo bricks at Soren. "Duplo bricks?! I can't make a decent sex toy out of fucking Duplo bricks!"

"That's the point!" Law yelled as he threw Lego bricks onto the floor. Law then took Soren's shoes and socks off, and slammed his foot onto the Legos.

"What the [Duplo sex toy bricks]?!" Soren cried. Kipton then began to sneak away. "Hey! The British Libra is sneaking off!"

"Real original, Duplo Sex Toy-ya," Law commented.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Eta, Desdemona, Hettienne, and Griffin were trying to make their way into Target.<p>

"Des, I'm scared!" Eta sobbed. "Why is everybody fighting?!"

"This happens every year, Eta. It's Black Friday," Desdemona explained. As the four got into Target, Eta screamed and held onto a shopping cart.

"No! Don't make me go in there! Alex from Target is going to kill me!" Eta sobbed. Griffin said nothing as he ran over to Monet, took the box she was carrying from her hands, opened the box, and pulled out a toaster.

"Hettienne, Desdemona, go on without us! It'll be better if we split up!" Griffin yelled.

"Where are we supposed to meet up?!" Hettienne yelled.

"Orange Julius! Nobody there is crazy!" Griffin yelled.

"We'll see you in the a.m.!" Hettienne yelled as she ran further into the Target.

"For science!" Desdemona yelled as she hopped into Violet's cart and up the shopping cart escalator. Griffin turned back to the mob that was congregating outside of Target.

"Oi! Looks like you Black Friday shoppers..." Griffin said before he put on a pair of sunglasses and held up his toaster. "...Are toast."

_Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh!_

* * *

><p>Back with Locke, he was frantically searching Nordstrom for Mason andor the cheetah print coat he shoplifted for Stella-Rondo.

"Mason?! I swear to God, if you're fucking Stella-Rondo right now, I'm going to kill you!" Locke yelled before he heard a familiar song being played on the piano. "Wait... Why do people play the piano at Nordstrom?"

Locke ran downstairs, where Brook was playing a piano and singing.

"_Been around the world, don't speak the language. But, your booty don't need explaining. All I really need to understand is when you talk dirty to me,_" Brook sang as he played the piano. Arlong then came out of nowhere and started to play a saxophone.

"Never mind..." Locke said as he exited the store, only to run into Maeve. "Maeve, have you seen the rest of my crew?"

"Yukari and Kazura are hiding in Urban Outfitters, Stella-Rondo is in Bath and Body Works beating somebody to death with a faucet pipe, Kipton is chasing Miss Doublefinger around with a cricket bat, Daruma almost killed Yuki-Rin, and Miller is hiding in Bath and Body works like the little bitch he is," Maeve explained. Locke sweatropped.

"**Fact: Heineken beer bottles can also function as bricks to build houses in impoverished countries,**" Cube said.

"Thanks, Maeve," Locke said slowly as he left the Nordstrom. As Kipton ran past, Locke stuck out his foot and made Kipton trip.

"Bloody hell!" Kipton yelled before he looked up. "Locke? Where is everybody?"

"Uhh... Mason shoplifted a coat and said something about Stella-Rondo and some weird, sex fantasy," Locke said. "I just know that Yukari and Kazura have been hiding in Urban Outfitters."

Kipton pulled out his cell phone.

"Say no more. We're going to liberate Urban Outfitters," Kipton said. "However, we have to be quick. The Capricorns have taken control of Victoria's Secret, and they're using it as a brothel to get more shopping money. We're most likely targets."

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Libras arrived in Urban Outfitters, unusual weapons in tow. Stella-Rondo had burning candles, Hunter had a snowboard, Edmund had a replica of the Eleventh Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver, Rhett had two candy canes that looked like prison shivs, Amelia had a hardback copy of <em>Gone With the Wind<em>, Bridey had a hardback copy of _A Dance With Dragons_, Locke had a map of the mall, Aurelia had several necklaces, Aleksandar had ear piercing equipment, Mason had a Molotov cocktail, Pearl had steel-toed boots, Lien had golf clubs, Fernando had kitchen equipment, Beaker had an antique mace, Jin-Mao and Daiyu both had prop katanas, Miller had bath bombs from Lush, Opal had plastic swords that go into people's cocktails, Daruma had his crossbow, Marlene had the purse Yuki-Rin almost killed her for earlier, Alto had a vase that looked like a bong, Alton had several flip-phones, Nigel had the plastic utenstils from red Robin, Kipton had his cricket bat, Basil had a toaster over, and Toru had a baseball bat.

"Yukari! Kazura! We're coming for you!" Edmund yelled as they ran into the Urban Outfitters, where Yukari and Kazura were nonchalantly looking at records at the back of the store.

"What's going on?" Kazura asked.

"Well... Uhh... The mall went to Hell," Edmund answered. Yukari and Kazura sweatdropped.

"What?" Kazura asked. Edmund said nothing as he picked up Yukari and Kazura.

"Everyone's rioting, people are killing each other over Black Friday deals, and the Capricorns have taken over the Victoria's Secret downstairs and turned it into a brothel!" Edmund answered as the Libras ran out of the store.

"Wait... What?!" Kazura cried as he and Yukari watched the rioting going on around them.

"Stay back! I have candy cane-flavored prison shivs!" Rhett yelled.

"They won't work, Rhett! We only had two candy canes on hand!" Edmund yelled as the mob closed in on them.

"I don't want to die! I haven't even played Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"I haven't even had sex with Stella-Rondo while she wears this cheetah-print coat that I shoplifted for her from Nordstrom!" Mason yelled.

"You WHAT?!" Stella-Rondo cried.

"It's not relevant right now!" Mason yelled.

* * *

><p>About an hour later, the Libras were recovering from their Black Friday adventure at Denny's.<p>

"I am never doing Black Friday again," Edmund said to everyone.

"Yeah. Let's go on a road trip or some shit next year," Mason suggested.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: This fic will be back sometime around New Year's. In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving, and happy holidays!<strong>


	128. The Fourth of July Block Party

**Author's Note: **And, after a full-filled holiday season for **The DysFUNctional Christmas**, we're back with a Fourth of July-themed story! I have also started work on the upcoming **Fourth Anniversary Special**, which, as you know, won't be posted until May. Just know that it will be another long story set in Yukijima with references to Denny's, Charlie the Unicorn, and past Yukijima specials. I have also begun working on the upcoming **150th Chapter Special**. Yes, we're going to get to 150 chapters soon. Yes, it's a Yukijima special. Yes, there are going to be scenes in New France.

Also, I may be re-writing the **First Anniversary Special **because it sucked. It's nowhere near as cool as the other Yukijima specials.

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs for One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a warm, sunny, Fourth of July, as the Libras made their way to some place.<p>

"Guys, why do we have to go to Doflamingo's Fourth of July block party?" Hunter asked.

"Theoretically, we don't have do," Kazura answered. "But Doflamingo sent us death threats and live crows, so we have to go."

"Oh, so that's why we got a bunch of crows in the mail last week," Edmund said.

* * *

><p><strong> *Begin Flashback, A Week Ago*<strong>

_As the Libras ate breakfast, Edmund entered the room with a large box._

_"Guys, what's in this box?" Edmund asked as he set the box on the floor. Grabbing a knife, Mason cut open the box, only for several crows to fly out of the box._

_"What the fuck?!" Mason cried as the crows flew around the room, pecking at the hipsters._

_"I'm allergic! I'm allergic!" Locke cried as he broke into hives._

_"Please go away," Rhett said as he attempted to pick up a crow sitting on the record player._

_"This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to put birds on things!" Amelia yelled._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

><p>"Well, better we got live crows in the mail than getting Ajax in the mail," Jin-Mao said.<p>

"No, it's not better. It's been a week, and I'm still finding crow feathers in our food," Hunter said as they approached the neighborhood where the block party was being held.

"What's up, sluts?! Guess who was asked to run this party?!"

The Lunas approached the Libras.

"I thought this was Doflamingo's party," Yukari pointed out.

"Oh, hon," Nyx said sweetly. "You don't know how easy it is to forge signatures."

"But, how did you get the live crows?" Hunter asked.

"Craigslist," Lea answered.

"Plot twist!" Jin-Mao yelled.

"How much were the crows?" Charlotte asked.

"Charlotte, no!" The other Libras cried.

"Only ten bucks a pop. I spent seventy bucks all together," Lea answered. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Charlotte said with a shrug.

* * *

><p>Down the street, the Straw Hats were learning how to make their own, illegal fireworks.<p>

"**Fact: Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy is half-Jamaican,**" Cube said.

"How are we not getting arrested for this?" Jodie asked everyone.

"I don't know, but if we make a sacrifice of all of my pudding to Frosty the Snowman, we're in the clear," Maeve said. Everyone looked to Maeve.

"George Glass goes to our skule, right?" Sanji asked everyone.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the Lunas and the Libras were getting ready to have a water balloon fight against each other.<p>

"Okay, Lunas, this is for the forged letter, the death threats, and the crows. The crew with the most members standing wins," Edmund explained.

"Fair enough. If my crew wins, you have to host my birthday party. If your crew wins, we host a birthday party of your choice," Nyx explained.

"If we win, you're hosting Mason's birthday party. Because you fucked-up the last one," Aleksandar explained.

* * *

><p><strong>*Begin Flashback, Several Months Ago*<strong>

_It was Mason's birthday, and the Libras and Lunas celebrated by going to Walt Disney World. Currently, the group of pirates were walking through Epcot Center._

_"Can we go to Disney World? It's my birthday," Mason asked._

_"No. We're only going to Epcot because it's cheaper," Nyx answered._

_"Screw you! I'm going to Disney World anyway!" Mason yelled before he climbed the wall behind him that separated Epcot from Disney World._

_"Step away from the wall! Step away from the wall!" A security guard that sounded like Mickey Mouse yelled as Mason climbed the wall into Disney World._

_"Excelsior!" Mason yelled as he dropped down into Disney World. He then ran up to Eneru, who was running a churro cart. "One churro, please."_

_"That will be fourteen dollars," Eneru said. Mason started to cry._

_"Why, God, why?!" Mason sobbed._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

><p>"Well, the kid wanted a churro," Hermes pointed out before he was hit by a water balloon. "Hey! I didn't say that the fucking water balloon fight started yet!"<p>

The Libras then threw the rest of their balloons at the Lunas, soaking them.

"Guys, run!" Edmund yelled.

"Punk-ass book jockeys!" Mason yelled as he dumped a bucket of water on Killian, Cloud, Levi, Kida, and Lea. The Lunas sweatdropped.

"We're nominating the Capricorns for the Ice Bucket Challenge," Kiba said to the Lunas.

* * *

><p>Down the street, the Virgos were making their own, illegal fireworks.<p>

"You're getting too into this," Hatori observed as Desdemona made another firework. Hundreds of fireworks were piled behind Desdemona.

"It's Fourth of July. I'm doing this for science!" Desdemona yelled.

"You made over three hundred fireworks in the past hour. I counted," Hatori pointed out. "Let Griffin or someone else make some."

"Why would we trust Griffin with fireworks?" All of the Virgos but Griffin said.

"Hey, Virgos. Building fireworks?"

Smoker walked up to the crew.

"Relax, bitch. I have a permit," Isabella said as she handed a piece of paper to Smoker.

"This just says 'I can do what I want'. This permit isn't even official," Smoker pointed out. "Besides, whose block party is this?"

"Doflamingo's, apparently," Eliezer answered. Smoker's jaw dropped in shock, letting his cigar fall from his mouth.

"He's looking at twenty to life," Smoker said to himself before he slowly walked away. The Virgos sweatdropped.

"That was fun. Let's make like a Strokes song and scram," Isabella said.

"He didn't question us over all of the illegal fireworks Desdemona made?" Hettienne asked everyone.

"Smoker doesn't give a single fuck anymore. We're lighting these illegal fireworks up tonight," Desdemona answered.

* * *

><p>Back with the Libras, they were in somebody's house, and Koala was serving them ice cream.<p>

"Here, have some of those red, white, and blue-colored popsicles in honor of Fourth of July. Please don't eat them in a sexual manner," Koala said as she handed out Firecracker popsicles to the Libras. Immediately, Mason began to lick his popsicle in a sexual manner.

"Goddamnit, Mason!" The rest of the Libras yelled.

"Well, this will be the subject of my new children's book, _If You Give a Teenage Boy With an Under-Utilized Sex Drive a Popsicle_," Koala observed.

"Oi! Who's having sex?!"

Aokiji came downstairs.

"Nobody. We're eating popsicles," Kazura answered. Mason then stopped licking his popsicle in a sexual manner.

"Are any of you supposed to be in my house?" Aokiji asked.

"No, but I wanted ice cream," Koala answered.

"No, but I want to get laid now," Mason said.

"No, but I want to call the police on all of you," Aokiji said. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"You're a Marine. You ARE the police," The Libras said.

* * *

><p>That night, the Fourth of July fireworks show was about to begin.<p>

"Oi, Des, how many fireworks are you blow up tonight?" Nyx asked.

"Well... I don't know. Probably enough to blow up Marineford. Science is amazing," Desdemona said.

"Oi! We are shutting down this Fourth of July party!"

Several Marines then arrived on Segways.

"Why? I'm about to light these fireworks," Desdemona asked.

"I'm about to get lit up, too," Alto said, holding a marijuana blunt up.

"We have an arrest warrant for Donquixote Doflamingo. He was never supposed to throw this party," Tashigi explained. The Lunas looked to each other.

"Run! Run to the safe, East Coast side!" Nyx yelled before everyone ran off.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: Next chapter may or may not be a parody of a Portlandia sketch. Either way, you know I'll be releasing a chapter based on the new Bryce and Lisa sketch for this season of Portlandia.<strong>


	129. The Libras' Hipster Music Band For Kids

**Author's Note: **This isn't the chapter based off of Portlandia, but I wanted to do a oneshot where the Libras form a kids' band.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

><p>It was a normal night on the Coachella as the Capricorns threw a formal birthday party for Yuki-Rin.<p>

"This party sucks! When do we get to steal shit?!" Nyx asked.

"I am stealing shit," Klaus said as he stuffed expensive silverware down his pants. A second later, Klaus froze. "Uhh... Guys, I think we need to leave early. I think I accidentally stabbed my crotch with several forks and knives."

The rest of the Lunas sweatdropped.

"We're having fun," Cloud and Levi said in unison.

"That's because there's a lot of expensive booze, drugs, and the type of slutty sex only rich people seem to have," Lea explained as she stuck a bottle of wine up the skirt of her dress. "Now, are you going to help me hide the booze, or am I going to die of alcohol poisoning tonight because I wanted to get my drink on?"

Across the room, Kartik cleared his throat.

"Attention, ladies and gentlemen," Kartik announced. "Our entertainment for the evening has just arrived. Please give a very warm welcome to... The Libras?!"

Kartik laughed nervously.

"It's probably just a swing band with a similar name. No relation to those hipsters at all," Kartik said nervously before he walked away. Then, the Libras - clad in their usual, hipster wear - came onto the stage, holding various instruments ranging from guitars to portable DJ booths. Charlotte even had a large, Chinese gong.

"I like where this is going," Kiba commented as he ate a bag of popcorn.

"Where did you get that?" Piper asked.

"I snuck it in on the off chance that something exciting would happen," Kiba answered as the loud, discordant music started up.

"Rejection!" Mason screamed into the microphone.

"I wanna die!" Charlotte screamed into the microphone, causing some of the Capricorns to cover their ears. "_I wanna die! I wanna die! I wanna die! I wanna die!_"

"This music is better than sex," Asami said to herself.

"I'd listen to these guys over Taylor Swift any day," Nyx observed.

"_Everybody leaves me! Everybody leaves me!_" Charlotte sang/screamed into the microphone before she began to furiously bang the gong behind her. As the song ended, only the Lunas cheered.

"Encore! Encore!" Kiba yelled from the back of the room.

"Play my birthday party!" Nyx yelled.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the party ended, as the Libras had "ruined" the party.<p>

"How could they do this to us?!" Aki sobbed. "We've been nothing but nice to the Libras, and they ruined our party!"

"They ruined my party! Those dirty hipsters ruined my party!" Yuki-Rin screamed.

"Too bad. I hope Pitchfork gets a chance to listen to their stuff. They were awesome," Strife explained. Yuki-Rin then bitch-slapped Strife and grabbed him by the collar.

"The Libra Pirates ruined my party! I'll kill them!" Yuki-Rin screamed.

* * *

><p>On the other side of the island, far from the Capricorns, the Libras were returning to their ship.<p>

"That was so cool! I want to ruin another Capricorn party again!" Charlotte said as everyone made their way up the gangplank.

"Did you see half of the crew cry?! That was my finest hour!" Edmund asked. "Oh, Charlotte, I think we need to leave the gong behind. It won't fit in the Coachella."

"I'm taking it with me! I didn't blow twenty-five bucks on this gong earlier today only to leave it behind!" Charlotte yelled.

"Fine. We'll put it in Miller's room," Edmund said as Nigel and Locke carried the gong onto the deck.

* * *

><p>The next morning at breakfast, the Libras were discussing their musical performance from the night before.<p>

"So, whose party do you want to ruin next?" Charlotte asked.

"Let's ruin another one of the Capricorns' parties. It's so much fun to ruin them," Mason answered.

"But, first, we need songs to cover," Fernando said. "I don't want to get sued because we covered The Beatles or something."

"_Wrecking Ball_. You can't go wrong with _Wrecking Ball_," Mason pointed out.

"Mason, I hope by '_Wrecking Ball_', you mean The Vaccines song _Wreckin' Bar _and not that God-awful Miley Cyrus song. The last thing I need is Stella-Rondo riding naked on a wrecking ball," Kazura explained.

"That's the first thing I need," Mason argued. "My second choice for a song was _Birthday Sex_."

"We could have sang that last night," Edmund pointed out. "It was Yuki-Rin's birthday."

"Did we even get her anything for her birthday?" Yukari asked.

"Of course not. Last year, she almost burned down the Coachella because we got her a sack of coal for her birthday," Kazura answered. "I didn't want to put our lives on the line."

"Anyway, back to our apparent stint as an indie band," Edmund said. "What songs are we going to perform?"

"I want to piss off more people, so let's do the song we did last night," Charlotte said.

"I don't think so. I think the Capricorns want to kill all of us over that song," Miller answered.

"They're not going to kill us. We'll go into the Witness Protection Program before that happens," Edmund explained.

"Well, golly, Edmund. It was an expression," Miller said.

"Miller's right. The Capricorns are going to kill us. We need a plan B," Charlotte said.

"Stop believing what Miller Pratt says! Miller Pratt is a liar and a lumberjack who didn't take me to the Black Keys concert!" Edmund yelled.

"You never went to a Black Keys concert. Patrick Carney dislocated his shoulder, and they had to cancel several concerts," Kazura explained calmly.

"They cancelled the concert?" Miller said. "Oh, peaches and cream!"

"I still say we get Stella-Rondo to ride naked on a wrecking ball," Mason argued.

"I can kind of get behind that, if you don't play Miley Cyrus," Stella-Rondo said.

"Fuck yeah! Stella-Rondo's going to get naked!" Mason yelled before he ran out of the room. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Where did Mason go?" Aurelia asked slowly.

"You know where he went and what he's doing," Charlotte answered bluntly. "Now, onto Plan B - We form a kids' band. Like The Beatles' Yellow Submarine, but we're not on drugs."

"The Beatles weren't on drugs when they made the Yellow Submarine movie," Rhett said.

"It was made in the Sixties, Rhett! Of course, John, Paul, George, and Ringo were on drugs!" Nigel yelled.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Libras were ready to debut their kids' band at a birthday party for Sugar.<p>

"I thought Sugar was, like, in her twenties or something," Lien said as the Libras hung out in the kitchen of Doflamingo's mansion, waiting to perform.

"I thought so too, until Dellinger flashed me what appeared to be a paternity test on our way in," Kazura answered. "Apparently, Doflamingo is not Sugar's dad, and Baby 5 isn't her mother."

"Why would Doflamingo be a dad, anyway? His dad jokes suck," Edmund asked.

"Anyway, what song are we supposed to perform?" Rhett asked. "I assumed we picked _Two Weeks _by Grizzly Bear, but Henrietta texted me saying that we were doing all three parts of _King of Carrot Flowers _by Neutral Milk Hotel."

"We're doing neither. As the lead screamo guy in the band, I picked a song called _Sex Hair_," Mason said. Everyone sweatdropped. "Guys, it's from Parks and Rec."

"Mason, we're at a kids' birthday party, not Coachella," Yukari pointed out.

"Fine. We'll sing _Sex Bears _instead," Mason said. The Libras grew silent.

"Mason, the word 'sex' is the reason why we can't sing that song here," Kazura said. "Come to think of it, the songs Rhett suggested are also too inappropriate for this party."

"At least I didn't suggest a song about sex hair!" Rhett yelled.

"Then tell me how a song that goes 'I love you, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, I love you' is appropriate for a children's birthday party!" Kazura yelled.

"By the way, Rhett, your hair has always looked like sex hair. Is there something that you and Henrietta aren't telling us?" Mason asked. Rhett then bitch-slapped Mason.

"Says the kid whose hair looks more like sex hair than my own hair!" Rhett yelled. "And, by the way, leave Henrietta out of this! At least I didn't bring up Stella-Rondo!"

The rest of the Libras went "Ooh".

"Well, howdy doody," Miller commented.

"Yeah, Rhett, you fucking burn Mason!" Charlotte yelled.

"I don't like where this is going," Edmund said as he pulled out the novel version of _A Game of Thrones_.

"Says the hipster lumberjack who talks like it's the Forties, the girl who bought a fucking gong, and Edmund Abingdon!" Mason yelled. "Oh, Edmund, spoiler alert - The Boltons kill Robb, Talisa, and Catelyn."

"Well, howdy doody!" Miller cried.

"What the fuck, Mason?!" Charlotte cried.

"I know about the Red Wedding, Mason! All of us watched the episode together and cried!" Edmund yelled.

"You know, kids' bands aren't supposed to fight with each other," Miller pointed out.

"Shut up, Pratt!" Charlotte, Rhett, and Mason yelled.

"Last time I checked, The Wiggles probably got into a few fights!" Nigel yelled.

"Did their British accents save their show from getting cancelled?! No, they didn't, you teabag!" Charlotte yelled. Everyone "Oohed" again.

"The Wiggles are Australian, you putrid musk ox," Kipton said darkly before all of the Libras but Edmund and Kazura got into a fight.

"I told you we should have picked _R U Mine? _by Arctic Monkeys," Edmund whispered to Kazura.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, the Libras were ready to perform for Sugar, her friends, and the Doflamingo family.<p>

"Uhh... Hi, there," Edmund greeted. "We regret to inform you that our performance this afternoon has been scaled back a bit. Some things were said between us, and we got into a huge fight. We regret the things we have said, and we have since apologized to each other. We will now spend the next five minutes standing here in silence with our heads bowed in shame. There will be no instruments played or songs sung. Thank you."

The Libras went silent, bowing their heads in shame. A few minutes later, Sugar and her friends cheered.

"Encore! Encore!" Dellinger yelled.

"I love you! Marry me!" Baby 5 shouted from the back.

"I thought we were supposed to get married! I thought I was special!" Buffalo yelled before he ran out of the room sobbing. The Libras said nothing as they followed Buffalo and exited the mansion, away from the party.

"I think they liked us," Charlotte said.

"So, what's next for our kids' band?" Mason asked. "More fighting about Game of Thrones and The Wiggles?"

"We're supposed to be at Crocodile's by five. We have another one of the Capricorns' parties to ruin," Edmund answered.

"Hell yeah! Music!" The Libras shouted.

* * *

><p>Back inside, away from all of the people attending her party, Sugar was on her laptop.<p>

"What are you doing? It's your birthday party," Doflamingo asked as he walked into the room. Sugar slowly turned her head toward Doflamingo.

"Everything that the Libras did during their performance said what needed to be said about music," Sugar explained.

"They just stood there and did nothing!" Doflamingo cried. Sugar sushed Doflamingo.

"Exactly. Their performance said everything that needed to be said about music. Because of that, Pitchfork Magazine is now over," Sugar explained.

* * *

><p><strong>Ending Note: <strong>So, yeah, the Libras formed a kids' band, got into a fight, and now Sugar shut down Pitchfork.

**Next chapter may be that Portlandia chapter.**


End file.
